nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, May 9, 2016

    when im not volunteering at the soup kitchen 

    anna kournikovasexting anna or fighting crime for the xbi

    i’m doing my best to be a great son.

    so every mothers day i send my mom flowers and a note and she always takes a picture of the bouquet and regardless of its condition she always says

    soooo beautiful!

    whats weird is it’s very difficult for florists in chicago to actually put together a truly beautiful arrangement and deliver it to my mom so every year i try a different place.

    last year i was satisfied. the place got these great tulips together and got them to the crib and all was good in the hood.

    so this year i ordered with plenty of time and the delivery fee was fine and the price was right but

    in my mind

    they said they had to deliver it on Thursday before Mother’s Day which didn’t bother me. because as long as it’s early thats cool.

    so i called my mom yesterday and i said how are the flowers

    she said, there were no flowers.

    and i nearly crashed the helicopter.

    was all Siri, what the fuck

    and Siri was like, bro the flowers wont be there until Tuesday

    i was all, Tuesday? Why Tuesday? and Siri said because thats when you set the order for n word. and i rewinded my memory but it didn’t go that far back and im telling you, i might be losing my mind. in the history of me being my mothers son ive never snet her a Mothers Day gift late, why would i Schedule something to be late?

    it gets worse.

    my mom was all, i know i told you you didnt have to send anything, but i was on my way to the hairdresser and it was Saturday and you hadnt sent anything and I saw an Amazon truck and sometimes you send me weird things and I had never even seen an Amazon truck before so i turned around and asked the man

    is there something in there for me?

    and he said, no.

    worst son in the entire planet!

    but because shes the greatest mom in the world she said, dont worry you can make it up to me when you come out here in the fall.

    i said i can?

    she said yeah, just get me some Cubs tickets and buy the first few rounds of beers.

    which is 100% true. and why i love her so. and why anna has such a hard time getting me to commit.

  2. Thursday, December 10, 2015
  3. Tuesday, November 24, 2015

    my mom and i got 15,000 steps in yesterday 


    as you know, las vegas has always had, and will always have a very special place in my heart.

    ive been visiting here for years and years starting before i was even born.

    while in college i drove out here several times to experience Comdex back when personal computers were relatively new

    (god im old)

    and so as to see the Grateful Dead play with Steve Miller in one of the most spiritual concerts i’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing (and i wasnt even on any psychedelics).

    over the years ive been back for a variety of reasons including jobs, girlfriends, hospital music,  the xbi and reckless abandon.

    ive nearly died here at least once, and along the way ive had many many many memorable trips.

    i am here this time because my mom decided to have a family thanksgiving here, as she has never visited Sin City

    britney store

    so we went on a walkabout.

    first we headed to Planet Hollywood because i figured it was your typical Vegas strip hotel and casino.

    we walked through it real quick and then i told her about the strange shopping culture on the strip

    how every huge casino also has a giant shopping center wrapped around it with food and stores and bars and stores and shops and boutiques and stores and stores and stores.

    i told her that secretly the strip is the worlds largest mall which is why they let you drink freely


    next door was Paris, one of my favorites, where, if you recall, ashley and i chilled some 14(!) years ago. i showed my mom the pastries and she said they often look better than they taste and i was all, well we should see if thats true. but we didnt. we had lunch plans.


    we walked past the street performers and mom wasn’t at all pleased with the fake playboy bunnies and other scantily dressed women and i was all, everyone needs to get paid.


    we took a free shuttle from Ballys to the Rio for the seafood buffet but it was too early for that so we took a Lyft to the Wynn and my mom loved that even more than Paris. she was blown away.


    when she looked up she was all, hey it’s Colbert’s ceiling!


    for some reason i didn’t know that there was a Jeff Koons just laying in the hall. but lo!


    we stood in line for a minute at the Wynn buffet but the line didnt move and the lady told us it would be about a half hour before we were seated. theres two places i dont stand in line at: sxsw to see bands and vegas to eat. so we were headed out to catch another lyft to go back to paris when i saw this married couple at this asian restaurant at Encore.

    my mom loves chinese food and even though i knew it was gonna cost some good money i asked her if she wanted to try out some Ramen. she had never had ramen served right so she said oui. i got the bigass bowl of pork ramen and mom got a nice plate of salt and pepper shrimp and we shared and she loved it.


    the wynn/encore was all the glitz i think she was looking for in vegas. although she kept saying that it was nothing like what she was expecting, but i think thats cuz television and movies are full of terrible lies, unlike the world famous busblog where everything is true.

    mom at caesars

    so i was all, ok we’ve seen the malls at planet hollywood, paris, ballys, the rio (where i won some money from the robot lady blackjack table) and the wynn/encore, lets go see the mall at caesars the place that started it all.

    she was super amazed. she loved the “sky”, the street, and the fact that all of the luxury brands that she had read about were right there, next to each other: Louis V, Tiffany, Chanel, and on and on and on


    another thing mom wasnt crazy about was all the daiquiri and margarita stands. or the fact that i had a beer in my hand the whole time. one after another. i was all, ma, las vegas is a celebration of freedom. you GET to gamble here, you GET to shoot machine guns in the desert, you GET to walk around a 10 mile long mall with a Miller Genuine Draft in your hand that you tipped the waitress $2 while you were at the tables. and if you are lonely, you GET to have a former stripper come to your room and make sex with you. the daiquiris are sweet symbolism of that freedom. if America was truly free, none of this would exist here because it would be commonplace. so we drink to forget that our real towns are horrible shells of what the founders intended. so drink up.


    when we got home we got stared down by Babe who was ticked that we didnt get her a Shirley Temple.

  4. Wednesday, October 14, 2015

    dear the future, this is what it was like this year for Cubs fans 

    hey cardinals

    even though the Cubs haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years, THIS was not the year they were supposed to do it.

    weirdly this group of young go-getters didn’t get the memo that next year was supposed to be the year.

    so in the wild card game they shut out the 2nd best team in baseball in Pittsburgh against their best pitcher

    and yesterday they completed the shellacking of the best team in baseball with a combo of good pitching and homer after homer after homer.

    scharberthe other day they hit 6 home runs and i know nothing in here is true but that’s true. SIX.

    ive been doing some work at home because my boss is fantastic and a huge sports fan and understands.

    i was so happy yesterday when the Cubs finished off the cards i drove across town Back to work to clean up some stuff i could only do there.

    emotion wise i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to say. im not superstitious – something i feel is an affront to Jesus – but i haven’t been writing much or doing anything weird because i don’t want to be the next Bartman.

    my mom called me today because she wanted to see if i was ok because i hadn’t blogged much during this historic run for the title.

    she told me this beautiful story about how she was listening to the end of the game on her way to my nieces volleyball game

    she got to the school but the cubs were 1 out away from winning, so she stayed in her car to listen.

    she sat there and looked around as she listened and noticed that the lady parked next to her and the guy parked on the other side were also waiting in their cars.

    and then when the Cubs struck out the final dude my mom was so happy she thought about honking her horn but she was raised to be a polite southern gentlewoman

    but then she heard everyone everywhere honk in celebration so she got back in her car and honked like crazy.

    i may have to take some days off and head to chicago if they make the world series because right now im not thinking right, im making some mistakes at work, im saying the wrong things to people, everything feels like a dream world of loveliness. i’ll probably get someone pregnant if i dont watch it.

    or run for the president of the republicans.

    please vote for me.

  5. Thursday, September 17, 2015

    it rained here, and thundered, and lightninged 

    trump facesthe house shook, the roof made noises

    the squirrels bailed. the birds flew to florida.

    but the best was when the skies darkened like the smoke monster in Lost.

    perfectly nice gray got covered with a thick phalanx of fuck you black.

    it was a tremendous parade of doom.

    and unlike when that happens in LA, here in Illinois it paid off: it poured.

    the thunder bellowed and the lightning struck trees and billy goats and volkswagons and corn fields.

    my mom told me to get away from the windows but what are the gonna do, shatter and scar my pretty face?

    the indians didnt run from the plate glass every time the angry gods raged.

    we were headed to ginos east pizza, the finest in the land, but first we needed to stop at the drug store for iphone cables and rum. dicks were outta both. so walmart it was.

    but mom had a better idea, lets speed back home asap and wait.

    i really wanna uber a lot more than i currently do so i can buy her a new car but she likes her crossover SUV and today i realized why: weather. theres actual weather here and it’s nice to have big wheels to go through the puddles and potholes and snow and the fallen.

    i wanted her to have an electric compact car or something but shes right, you need an actual vehicle in these parts. something that can take a punch. but something that will fit in your garage too. she chose well a decade ago and i hope to get her into a safe and sound vehicle soon, but right now shes cool, which is good because my hands and arms are appreciating this rest from eight hours of tap tap tap and three hours of driving.

    i probably shouldnt even be blogging right now

    but momma didnt raise a quitter neither.

  6. Sunday, May 10, 2015

    today i thanked my mom for not tossing me in the garbage 

    me and mom when it began

    i was so little it woulda been easy.

    plus back in the 60s, who woulda missed a little black boy in DC?

    hardly anyone.

    but no, she kept me safe and fed me and clothed me and took me to school and practices and games and recitals and to the movies and to concerts

    have i told you about the time my mom drove me to see AC/DC back in black tour and said, ok call me when its over and i’ll pick you up.

    we did not live near that arena.

    but in the middle of the night my mom drove her Pontiac Grand Prix through the suburbs of Illinois and retrieved her first born.

    she coulda left me at the Rosemont Horizon. who woulda missed a teenage black boy whose mind was freshly blown?

    later she paid off my college loans, listened to my crazy tales of frisco then westwood then hollywood.

    she saw me rise and fall and whatever this is now

    me and mom at the oscars

    she endured the curse words out of my mouth and typewriter

    and my oh my some of the girls she was introduced to.

    at every turn she could have poisoned my fruit punch soda, but no

    she loved me and supported me and sent me easter baskets and birthday cards

    and christmas boxes because i didnt wanna go back to Chicago in the snow and cold.

    there are so many good things that ive learned from her and try to emulate

    i will never gain them all, but i will keep on trying

    because thats what she does.

    i love you mom! happy mothers day!

  7. Tuesday, March 31, 2015

    congratulations mom! 

    me and momeven though she’s technically retired, my mom volunteers at her favorite department store: Nordstrom

    she takes the train into the city a few times a week and shines that sparkling smile and im all ma, youre retired, why you gotta work?

    she says it keeps her young and vibrant, and she likes the deep discounts she gets.

    so does my sweater drawer closet.

    anyway, like any normal person at any normal retail outlet, she meets her fair share of negative situations and complains about them

    to which i usually say quit quit quit!

    today she rang me and asked if i was busy.

    that usually frightens me because i expect the worst: the dog died, the boy has stopped hitting left handed, the cubs are putting up a giant video scoreboard

    when she finally got to her purpose of calling she said

    tony, i am the employee of the year.

    i was all OF COURSE!!

    she laughed.

    i laughed.

    obama and the NSA laughed.

    im so proud of her. shes the best. always has been and they know how lucky they are that she works there.

    and i know how lucky i am that shes my mom.

    congrats ma!

  8. Thursday, February 26, 2015

    sad to see my mom and chris go home 


    mom squeezing hollywood

    last night my mom chris jeanine and i went to kanpai and had a great time.

    it was actually super fun and it was real nice to share with everyone all the good things

    like melt in your mouth sushi fish

    magically delicious vegetables

    and a lobster roll where the lobster tells you exactly what to do to get the most out of it

    lobster roll

    everyone was happy because jeanine is recovering so well and shes so alive and so great again

    we were also in the glow of the oscars which i was so lucky to share with chris and ma

    on our drive through LA we saw big houses and talked and talked and talked

    it  was so nice.

    then i had to drop of chris and we cried inside cuz we still have a magic bond

    and shes still so beautiful and sweet

    me and the truest

    and im still a tshirt wearing dope.

    then me and mom had an hour to kill so we went up and down the beach and then it was time for her to fly back to the snow

    so she did

    and i drove home and ordered a pizza and passed out cuz i was tired.

    im so lucky to have so many special people in my life and they got to hang for a little together.

    now, back to work

  9. Saturday, February 21, 2015

    my mom is here, so is the truest, so are punk rock artists 

    plastic oscar

    it was a little crazy picking them up at the airport today because you never wanna leave the Oscars


    but i did, and it survived and chris and i even ate sushi as we waited for my mom to arrive

    and now we are in the midst of things in Hollywood Blvd

    soon we will be eating the kittens and petting thai food

    i mean eating Thai food and petting Kittens!

    ok, exhausted, must run

  10. Friday, February 6, 2015

    mom, dont look at this post 


    my moms the best mom ever. shes just looking out for her first born.


    she grew up in a time and a place where everyone was nicer and sweeter and way more polite


    except for the crazies discriminating and hanging black people and making them feel terrible about their skin


    so when i swear or use the lords name in vain or put up a “weird” picture, she’ll text me


    “whats going on with all the cursing, are you ok?”


    im totally ok ma, i teller, sometimes you gotta keep it real


    when i was at E! she was very sad because i was cursing like a sailor. same when i was running LAist


    at the Times, my boss advised me to tone it down and man was ma on top of the world.


    where i work now no one cares about this blog because blogging is dead and you know what good


    because even the good book keeps trying to tell us that when you die…


    …you go to heaven


    and in heaven everything is beautiful, even the four letter words