nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, September 16, 2015

    the busblog approach to money 

    snoopydonald trumps favorite book, the bible, pretty much lays out how i feel about money

    one day Jesus was minding his own business, being rad, when someone asked him about taxes.

    i forget if it was about a flat tax or progressive tax or what, but

    Jesus was in the business of souls, he wasnt too concerned about how the 1% could hang on to a few more shekels while shaking down the poor

    near him was a handful of coins.

    he asked the questioner “who’s this?” and flipped him one of the coins.

    “That’s Caesar,” the guy told Jesus.

    so Jesus said, “give to Caesar what’s Caesar’s and give the Lord what’s the Lord’s.”

    which is probably the greatest f u in the good book, but it’s also an excellent way to live.

    so much of life on earth can be about the wrong priorities, especially when it comes to money.

    and i dont know precisely how it works, but i’ve noticed that the more i share things like who i am, or my crap, or my time, or “my money”, the more others share back.

    and isnt that way funner than just hoarding everything, alone, in a freaky selfish way, like a dick?

    we’ve all had ups and downs financially. it doesnt matter who you are. even trump had to declare bankruptcy on some of his stuff sometimes.

    but we always end up ok.

    why? because money doesn’t rule us unless we let it. they keep printing more. theres always interesting ways to get it. and theres tons of fun ways to share it.

    we will be ok.

    the thing we should worry way way way more about is our soul.

    how are we treating it? and if thats too weird of a concept, how about our hearts? what are we doing to them?

    trumps favorite book says the good lord will judge us by our heart. is our heart obsessed with doe-ray-me?

    or is it way more concerned about taking care of others and learning more about far more abstract things like



    and the theory that the pitcher should bat eighth in the lineup so that the number nine hitter gets better pitches?

    we are on this funky ass globe for a blink of an eye

    fuck caesar’s stupid little coins

    unless they can be shared with the angels, saints, and the poor, in fascinating ways.

  2. Friday, April 12, 2013

    minding my own business trying to get Dodger tickets for Monday 

    dodgers tickets

    so i can boo the crap out of Carlos Quentin

    who today was suspended a paltry EIGHT games for charging the mound

    so he could perform violence on Zach Greinke.

    he succeeded and Greinke’s collarbone was broken and he’s now out eight WEEKS.

    but because Quentin is an asshole on top of being a terrible person he has the gall to appeal the “suspension”

    which means that when the Dodgers come home from their road trip to play San Dieger at Chavez Ravine on Monday

    Public Enemy Number One will be on the field.

    rolling stoneswhich means i would like to be in the stands to boo him like i booed Lee Elia way back in the day.

    problem is you dont know if he’s gonna play left field or right field,

    so how about sitting right behind the visitor’s dugout so as to boo and flip off the dude after every inning?

    whats the worst it could set me back: $75? $100? $150?


    F O R O N E T I C K E T

    for a baseball game in april in los angeles.

    that’s more than Rolling Stones tickets!

    Dodgers Padres in 2013 is not better than a Rolling Stones show ever.

    magic johnson, i realize you come from the world of basketball where it’s perfectly ok to shake down ticketholders

    especially those who dare sit near the action.

    but thats because your arenas are often 1/2 if not 1/3 the size of baseball parks

    and you only play 1/2 as many home games.

    baseball is a sport you used to be able to take your whole family to and not have to go back to slangin cane

    but im not Breaking Bad. i dont have stacks of crisp bills hiding in a vent in the baby’s room

    $400 baseball tickets? Thats that ish I don’t like

  3. Wednesday, September 5, 2012

    one of my summer interns is moving to London 

    oh god why

    so we were thinking of business ideas for her, since shes only 19
    and the world is her oyster.

    so we decided she should make a U.S. style dental practice

    we also decided that “European style” is rarely a good thing.

    here were the names we thought of for such a dentistry place.

    Duke of Snaggletooth!

    Mind The Gap!

    Give us a smile, Mum!

    Yankee McYankers!

    Then we ate pancakes.

  4. Sunday, May 27, 2012

    this little Canadian girl has so much right 

    except for the part of Jesus and the moneychangers.

    Jesus didn’t care that the moneychangers were influencing the value of the markets

    He was upset because temples are for prayer, study, community and enlightenment,

    not for the trivial pursuits of mortal finance.

    “Render unto Caesar what’s Caesar’s” is what Jesus said when he saw the Roman coin, totally dissing the human concept of money.

    And let’s not forget what he said about how hard it is to get the rich into Heaven.

    In fact, the New Testament is almost all about ignoring worldly goals and instead focusing on the spiritual.

    “Rejoice, and be exceeding glad,” He taught in “the meek shall inherit the Earth” speech because “great is your reward in heaven.”

    h/t James Dornan’s facebook wall

  5. Thursday, April 19, 2012

    sometimes things just get miserable 


    and you say oh remember that one time when things were so fun

    remember that time in vegas?

    remember that other time in vegas?

    if you were smart you would have collected all the nicest comments youd received over the years.

    or all the flirty emails that filled your in box.

    because every now and then someone will say something to do, or do something to you

    or look at you funny

    or send you a letter that says oh yeah we dont owe you a few hundred dollars

    YOU OWE US $7,000!

    so if you agree with us, PAY

    and if you dont agree with us, thats right, thats not an option.

    wheres the box that says i dont owe you squat?

    wheres the other box that says matter of fact now you owe me for harshing my mellow?

    your snail mail is faulty, internal revenue service,

    it didnt come equipped with a $7,000 check

    to pay that ridiculous $7,000 bill

  6. Friday, April 6, 2012

    xbi sent a pie over today 

    they said their sensors had reported that earlier this week
    i had suffered from post mega millions depression
    and my levels and emotions were way down.

    and say what you want about the absolute lack of privacy
    but i was all, was that what the hell that was?

    worked from home today on a secret project and
    wanted to blog but had zero time as in zero – barely had time to eat.
    but during those weeks when the lottery kept climbing and climbing
    i had plenty of time to day dream about what id do with $100, $200, $300 million dollars

    for a while i couldnt think of a damn thing.
    after all of this bible reading, i was being taught that money was a small game
    a waste of time, a con, a ruse, a red herring, a suckers gambit, a fraud a phony
    a lie

    but then the weird ass sliver of a chance that i could win $640 million appeared
    and suddenly i knew exactly what i would do with the money

    i would remodel motels. every room would be different.
    but theyd all be spotless, quirky, and $100 a night.
    with free wifi, amazing beds, and a 1pm check out.
    the pools would be warm, and the hot tubs would be tepid.
    every property would have a bar.
    also unique and tacky and delicious.

    we live life once and usually roam around a relatively small space.
    but during our most memorable times we get to expand our perspective
    by traveling.

    how nice would it be to stoke vacationers
    with a comfy bed, a stiff drink,
    and a hot tub that never closes?

    i gave the pie to the mailman.

  7. Friday, March 30, 2012

    the new madonna record is better than the new ting tings record 

    motorhead shiraz dont you find that odd?

    dont you think that when youre young and impressionable you should be more creative and fantastic?

    maybe madonna has more to prove. maybe madonna has more help. maybe madonna is just a little bit better than yr average bare.

    im gonna see the los angeles clippers play basketball tonight.

    there are so many things i have to do before i get to do that. mama mia.

    i have to write like 5-6 more blog posts for work. im covering for some writers.

    i have to shave my march beard off.

    i have to eat a lunch consisting of more than wheat thins.

    i have to write like 5 people emails.

    have i mentioned i have the greatest tax man of all times? fyi?

    the other day i got this scary letter from the IRS saying i owed $8,000. if you havent noticed, the busblog doesnt have ads, so how was i supposed to scrape up an extra 8 gs? instead i went to H&R block and met a pleasant gentleman named Walter Huberwald who not only made it so I didn’t owe no $8,000

    but i would be getting close to $3k back.

    he said the gov’t may ask me to pay a small penalty.

    yesterday i got a letter from the state and yes i owed a penalty:


    God bless you Walter.

    you will be getting a bottle of red very soon.

  8. Monday, March 19, 2012

    the lottery is 241 million dollars 

    mega million

    figure fifty million goes to taxes

    and any good Christian gives half to charity

    and half of that to their mom

    191 / 2 = 95.5 / 2 = 47.75

    any good College of Creative Studies grad gives $8 million to CCS

    and even if you bought a couple $3 million dollar houses here

    and one in canada, you’d still have $30 million to live off of

    and start a poutinery in echo park.

    and of course buy back the rights to all of Tsar’s records

    and come out with a remastered box set.

  9. Saturday, October 15, 2011