nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, August 21, 2014
  2. theres a scene in Barfly where Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway meet at a bar 

    amber at thai

    they have a few drinks, eat some food, fall asleep at his apartment and at some point he has to run

    but before he does he gives her a copy of his keys

    she’s all, you trust me with these?

    he says, sure, it’s easier that way.

    pretty sure amber smith blog follows that same lifestyle. if we’re driving down the road

    and she says lets have some thai, i’ll say where do you wanna go? she’ll say somewhere off the beaten path.

    for some reason i like that.

    last night all of her plans went haywire so i picked her up after work.

    i said id really like to take you to the movies. so we went to my place, heated up last nights thai.

    played with the kittens and jeanine. and then ubered to the arclight.

    she didnt even ask what movie we were gonna see.

    we sat down and took in Boyhood. a movie that was filmed for two weeks a year for 12 years.

    really different. a little weird. three hours long. and pretty enjoyable.

    when it was over she said, i will go to any movie you want anytime any where. you know movies!

    i was all, you know where i work, right?

    she said the xbi, duh.

  3. Thursday, August 14, 2014

    i was all whattya wanna see? she said how about Mrs. Doubtfire? 

    fisher king

    but for some reason Netflix doesn’t have it. Obama!

    so i was like, have you seen The Fisher King? she was all, never even heard of it.

    i said oh it was directed by the guy who made the Monty Python movies and it’s a little weird.

    she went, lets get weird.

    so ordered some chinese, put on some movie-watching clothes, hypnotized the kittens to fall asleep

    and was disappointingly underwhelmed with how The Fisher King has held up over the years.

    for some reason i remember it being trippier and weirder and… deeper than it felt last night.

    totally forgot that Jeff Bridges’ character was a Howard Stern ripoff (tribute?)

    and was bummed that a lot of the zest and creativity from Brazil, Time Bandits, and Baron Munchausen wasn’t there.

    the young lady fell asleep after a few hours and woke up for the end

    and yours truly also was lured to the land of nod before the film was over.

    not at all what i would have expected from a Robin Williams movie directed by Terry Gilliam.

    Williams, however, was terrific, but was pretty much just Robin Williams.

    not that theres anything wrong with that, but come on bros!

  4. Monday, August 11, 2014

    movie review: guardians of the galaxy 

    guardians of the galaxylast year i was unemployed. heres how it went emotionally, in stages.

    1. shock
    2. devastation
    3. utter fear
    4. loss of self esteem
    5. resignation
    6. denial
    7. re-resignation
    8. total depression
    9. whoo hoo vacation
    10. never going outside
    11. terrible money making schemes
    12. tons of tv watching
    13. hiking in the heat
    14. candy crush addiction
    15. high blood pressure
    16. headaches
    17. binge watching all the tv series i never had time for
    18. falling head over heels in love with Parks & Rec
    19. deciding, fine, i will move to NYC
    20. landing a job at the academy (thankfully, in beverly hills)
    21. relief

    two reasons i loved Parks & Rec: the loveably clueless Andy and his wickedly beautiful girlfriend April. also, the writing was fantastic. #TreatYourself. actually i liked all the characters. but Andy was and is my favorite. and then April. ok maybe April is first.

    so to see Chris Pratt get a superhero role i was all, whaaaa? was Marvel in a deep dark depression last summer too? did they also start to see the light when the healing powers of comedy swept over them?

    did they go and ask him to lose a bunch of weight and hit the gym to bulk up to star opposite a raccoon and a spiritual giving tree in a summer blockbuster?

    i was distracted through the film but i loved it. i might have to see it again.

    but i probably will have other things to do. like see Boyhood. which is nothing like this, im told.

    whateves, it only cost me $6 because the vista rules. so i got a hotdog a popcorn and a water ($12.50). and still it was cheaper than if i had seen it in 3D.

  5. Tuesday, July 22, 2014
  6. Saturday, July 19, 2014
  7. Monday, July 14, 2014

    dawn of the planet of the apes at the vista 

    dawn of the planet of the apes at the vista

    it was sunday at 1pm. the world cup final was on but a surprisingly lot of us decided to watch CGI monkeys run around the screen.

    i didnt get there early enough so i had to sit in the back row next to a grandmother on one side of me and a hyper active child on the other.

    nothing in here is true.

    i went because ppl on twitter were freaking out about how good andy serkis was as the main ape.

    i was bored. grandma was bored. we were all bored. sure it was great special effects

    but so what

    what did we learn in this one that we havent in the other seven of them other than stop going to them?

    ape with gun at the vista

    the one bright spot was the theatre manager dressed up in a monkey suit.

    the other bright spot was because it was before 6pm it was only $6.50.

    the price a picture should cost, dag nabbit.

    there was plenty of legroom and even way in the back the sound was still terrific.

    but meaningless.

    rotten tomatoes is giving it like a 94 or something. i dont know why.

    ive never felt so alienated from the rotten tomatoes before.

    i also thought the human acting was the pits, PS.

    no one clapped at the end and some of waited for nick fury to appear after the credits

    but, alas, no.

  8. Sunday, July 13, 2014

    James Cameron wrote an early version of the Spider-man script 

    it’s a little more daring than what we ended up seeing on screen

    She stands with her back against a girder, needing to feel
    something solid. Spider Man stands before her, a
    perfectly formed male silhouette with a soothing low


    Courtship among the spiders is highly

    ritualized. It varies from species to

    species. The male spider may circle the

    female, or wave his front legs… to

    signal that he is not prey.

    Spider Man moves in a hypnotic arc around her. He raises
    his hands in a dance-like movement. Lowers them.


    The female usually signals her

    willingness by an uncharacteristic


    MJ takes a deep breath. Her lip trembles. Her knees are
    weak. Her eyes, though, are steady, gazing at the
    silhouette before her. She doesn’t move of speak. He
    moves closer.


    In certain crab spiders, such as Xysticus,

    the male will attach strands of silk to

    the female… tying her limbs…

    Spider Man moves his hand gracefully across her, and she
    sees the sheerest silk webbing glinting in the moonlight.
    First one wrist. Then the other. Hypnotic movement in
    the moonlight. Her arms are bound to the wall. Her
    breathing gets more rapid.


    Since the female can break free at any

    time, the bonds have only symbolic



    The male must be very bold… to take

    such liberties with the predatory female.


    Yes. He is very bold. But he must also

    trust her.

    (he moves very close)

    Close your eyes.

    He removes his mask and kisses her. Their mouths very
    slowly and very sensuously devour each other.
    Peter and MJ are locked together. He is mesmerizing,
    gentle, powerful. He pushes up her skirt. They make
    love, high above the world.
    She doesn’t look.

  9. Thursday, July 3, 2014

    the prisoners ending 


    she was all come over im scared.

    i said im ubering tonights a huge night.

    socksshe went but i hate the fireworks and my dog keeps barking and the gangs are on the street and im having a panic attack.

    i was all its just little explosions in the sky, nothing bad happens.

    she said maybe i didnt make myself clear: come. over. now.

    i was having a great night. the rides were long, despite the traffic, all was good.

    i had even eaten sushi for lunch where the waitresses were all

    we never see you here in the daytime.

    i said thats cuz i never come here in the daytime.

    almost had too much food. salmon collar, rice, soup, mashed potatoes(!), broccoli.

    one passenger even gave me concert tickets to the indio girls and joan baez.

    i can come over on sunday.

    she was all now. arent you in the xbi? isnt this what you people do? help people?

    i laughed and told her im not in the xbi! thats all – why do you insist on believing the buttblog?

    what do you want me to make.

    i said, im full. seriously. so full.

    she was all i’ll make brownies in those socks you like.

    i said im watching my weight.

    she said hurry up, i want to see the prisoner. we can watch the prisoners.

    i nearly fell asleep. the brownies were good. and thats how i saw the prisoners.

  10. Saturday, June 28, 2014

    do the right thing looks just as great today as 25 years ago 

    do the right thing

    just as vibrant, just as shocking, even funnier, and if anything: more def defying.

    spike not only wrote a great story, but somehow the barbs and disses just

    slide out of the actors mouths

    so naturally.

    the audience, a tenth of which admitted they had never seen the film before, howled during the comedy and applauded throughout the special screening.

    when i was young this movie meant everything. back then in the back page of Jet they would show all the names of all the people who were on tv or in the movies that week. it was a small magazine and that page rarely filled up.

    and here was spike with a major movie? about race? dropping the same summer day as Batman with Jack Nicholson?

    tony pierce and chuck d at the do the right thing 25th anniversary screeningdefiant.

    today i learned spike has public enemy’s “fight the power” in the film eight times. who does that?

    it was filmed on one city block in bed-stuy on a $6.5 million budget.

    tonight we screened it at LACMA and i stood in the back of the red carpet reception was and Spike walked in and just stared at me as i got closer.

    photogs snapped away and he just stood there and stared. finally he says The Cubs? Oh Man. Da Cubs?

    i shrugged and smiled.

    one reason i wore the cap was because he always represents his teams no matter how old he gets, so i should too.

    then he smiled and said Nine Teen Oh EIGHT!

    click click click

    amazed, i retreated back to the back of the room. i was there to take a few pics and tweet a few times.

    so there i was in the back, chatting with the social media woman from LACMA when i see Chuck D walk into the room. he talked with a few people and then turns around and i say, hi Chuck. and instead of just waving and cruising over to the red carpet, he comes over shakes my hand and starts talking with me.

    i say hey im here with the academy, can i take a picture of you for our instagram?

    and he says only if it’s us together.

    elvis was a hero to most, but they never met chuck d.

    everyone adjourns to the packed Bing Theater and jon singleton (boyz in the hood, poetic justic, 2 fast 2 furious) moderates the panel of the casting director, the studio head, spike, roger guenveur smith (smiley), the younger brother at the pizza shop, and chuck. its only supposed to go a half hour, it nearly goes an hour.

    its insightful, fascinating, funny, and real. the crowd is laughing, everything was perfect.

    then the movie is about to start and spike says first he wants to show us something special, and its a video from the white house from the president and the first lady congratulating spike on the anniversary of the film. and they say their first date involved seeing the film. and then the president thanks him for being part of what helped him woo michelle.

    the film was non stop great lines, foreshadowing, and build up.

    but the whole time i was nervous that the last tweet i had out there might have had a typo or something. i was paranoid. but i was right in the middle of row in the middle of the house, of all people I cant be diddling around on my phone.

    so i said a little prayer like yo can you guys please make sure that tweet was ok, my hands are tied right now.

    and i tried to enjoy the movie and not worry, and i pretty much succeeded.

    i watched to see if you could tell it was all filmed in one block but ernest dickerson is a genius too. damn.

    on the way home bought a jack in the box munchie meal: breaded chicken nuggets with melted cheese drizzled over them, curly and regular fries, two tacos and a coke for $6.

    and couldnt believe chuck d (who was wearing an all black detriot cap) was so nice to me