nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 14, 2014

    anyone heard of Simon of the Desert? 


    heres what wikipedia has to say about it.

    Simon of the Desert is a 1965 film directed by Luis Buñel.


    It is loosely based on the story of the ascetic 5th-century Syrian saint Simeon Stylites


    who lived for 39 years on top of a column.


    maybe im a crazy person but id actually love to see a movie about a dude who spent 39 years on top of a column.

    fortunately for all of us it’s only 42 minutes long.

    maybe he fell off.

  2. Friday, October 3, 2014

    what if it’s my destiny to do exactly what im supposed to be doing? 

    the blues brothersfor most of my life ive felt the urge to be doing something else.

    but then when i start doing that something i get weirded out and want to do something else.

    even when i was in my dream job of being the boss of LAist i wanted to work at the LA Times

    then when i got that job, an office, an amazing assistant, and all the coolest blogs, i wanted to be somewhere else.

    is there any wonder i am not married with 2.4 kids with a two story house in the suburbs?

    but weirdly when i see my friends with those things im all: want!

    im already tired of my kittens, even though they are ridiculously cute and get so excited when i come home.

    kittens arent supposed to be like that, but they are to me. they follow me to the bathroom

    they sit on the sink and watch me read from the toilet.

    they follow me to the kitchen and hop on boxes and watch and watch.

    when i finally make it to the couch they hop on my chest and give me boob massages which is their way of saying omg how was your day?

    still, im not crazy that the house smells of kitten and they like to rip things up and track dirt on my shiny new white sink and tub.

    but they do eat bugs spiders and weird flying things and they entertain me while my tv is not working so

    theres still something wrong with me.

    my car has this great radio. it lets you program your 10 favorite rock bands in there and it tells you whenever they are on the radio.

    doesnt matter what im looking for if it says Led Zeppelin is on channel 25, i’ll switch over.


    im seriously thinking about cutting my cable and my home internet. it’s just too much money and it distracts.

    this last week ive been getting to sleep on time. i wake up earlier. it’s quieter.

    and im reading like crazy: paper products. isnt that what al gore wanted?

    the blues brothers didnt have the web and they did just fine.

    until they got thrown in joliet state prison.

  3. Thursday, August 21, 2014
  4. theres a scene in Barfly where Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway meet at a bar 

    amber at thai

    they have a few drinks, eat some food, fall asleep at his apartment and at some point he has to run

    but before he does he gives her a copy of his keys

    she’s all, you trust me with these?

    he says, sure, it’s easier that way.

    pretty sure amber smith blog follows that same lifestyle. if we’re driving down the road

    and she says lets have some thai, i’ll say where do you wanna go? she’ll say somewhere off the beaten path.

    for some reason i like that.

    last night all of her plans went haywire so i picked her up after work.

    i said id really like to take you to the movies. so we went to my place, heated up last nights thai.

    played with the kittens and jeanine. and then ubered to the arclight.

    she didnt even ask what movie we were gonna see.

    we sat down and took in Boyhood. a movie that was filmed for two weeks a year for 12 years.

    really different. a little weird. three hours long. and pretty enjoyable.

    when it was over she said, i will go to any movie you want anytime any where. you know movies!

    i was all, you know where i work, right?

    she said the xbi, duh.

  5. Thursday, August 14, 2014

    i was all whattya wanna see? she said how about Mrs. Doubtfire? 

    fisher king

    but for some reason Netflix doesn’t have it. Obama!

    so i was like, have you seen The Fisher King? she was all, never even heard of it.

    i said oh it was directed by the guy who made the Monty Python movies and it’s a little weird.

    she went, lets get weird.

    so ordered some chinese, put on some movie-watching clothes, hypnotized the kittens to fall asleep

    and was disappointingly underwhelmed with how The Fisher King has held up over the years.

    for some reason i remember it being trippier and weirder and… deeper than it felt last night.

    totally forgot that Jeff Bridges’ character was a Howard Stern ripoff (tribute?)

    and was bummed that a lot of the zest and creativity from Brazil, Time Bandits, and Baron Munchausen wasn’t there.

    the young lady fell asleep after a few hours and woke up for the end

    and yours truly also was lured to the land of nod before the film was over.

    not at all what i would have expected from a Robin Williams movie directed by Terry Gilliam.

    Williams, however, was terrific, but was pretty much just Robin Williams.

    not that theres anything wrong with that, but come on bros!

  6. Monday, August 11, 2014

    movie review: guardians of the galaxy 

    guardians of the galaxylast year i was unemployed. heres how it went emotionally, in stages.

    1. shock
    2. devastation
    3. utter fear
    4. loss of self esteem
    5. resignation
    6. denial
    7. re-resignation
    8. total depression
    9. whoo hoo vacation
    10. never going outside
    11. terrible money making schemes
    12. tons of tv watching
    13. hiking in the heat
    14. candy crush addiction
    15. high blood pressure
    16. headaches
    17. binge watching all the tv series i never had time for
    18. falling head over heels in love with Parks & Rec
    19. deciding, fine, i will move to NYC
    20. landing a job at the academy (thankfully, in beverly hills)
    21. relief

    two reasons i loved Parks & Rec: the loveably clueless Andy and his wickedly beautiful girlfriend April. also, the writing was fantastic. #TreatYourself. actually i liked all the characters. but Andy was and is my favorite. and then April. ok maybe April is first.

    so to see Chris Pratt get a superhero role i was all, whaaaa? was Marvel in a deep dark depression last summer too? did they also start to see the light when the healing powers of comedy swept over them?

    did they go and ask him to lose a bunch of weight and hit the gym to bulk up to star opposite a raccoon and a spiritual giving tree in a summer blockbuster?

    i was distracted through the film but i loved it. i might have to see it again.

    but i probably will have other things to do. like see Boyhood. which is nothing like this, im told.

    whateves, it only cost me $6 because the vista rules. so i got a hotdog a popcorn and a water ($12.50). and still it was cheaper than if i had seen it in 3D.

  7. Tuesday, July 22, 2014
  8. Saturday, July 19, 2014
  9. Monday, July 14, 2014

    dawn of the planet of the apes at the vista 

    dawn of the planet of the apes at the vista

    it was sunday at 1pm. the world cup final was on but a surprisingly lot of us decided to watch CGI monkeys run around the screen.

    i didnt get there early enough so i had to sit in the back row next to a grandmother on one side of me and a hyper active child on the other.

    nothing in here is true.

    i went because ppl on twitter were freaking out about how good andy serkis was as the main ape.

    i was bored. grandma was bored. we were all bored. sure it was great special effects

    but so what

    what did we learn in this one that we havent in the other seven of them other than stop going to them?

    ape with gun at the vista

    the one bright spot was the theatre manager dressed up in a monkey suit.

    the other bright spot was because it was before 6pm it was only $6.50.

    the price a picture should cost, dag nabbit.

    there was plenty of legroom and even way in the back the sound was still terrific.

    but meaningless.

    rotten tomatoes is giving it like a 94 or something. i dont know why.

    ive never felt so alienated from the rotten tomatoes before.

    i also thought the human acting was the pits, PS.

    no one clapped at the end and some of waited for nick fury to appear after the credits

    but, alas, no.

  10. Sunday, July 13, 2014

    James Cameron wrote an early version of the Spider-man script 

    it’s a little more daring than what we ended up seeing on screen

    She stands with her back against a girder, needing to feel
    something solid. Spider Man stands before her, a
    perfectly formed male silhouette with a soothing low


    Courtship among the spiders is highly

    ritualized. It varies from species to

    species. The male spider may circle the

    female, or wave his front legs… to

    signal that he is not prey.

    Spider Man moves in a hypnotic arc around her. He raises
    his hands in a dance-like movement. Lowers them.


    The female usually signals her

    willingness by an uncharacteristic


    MJ takes a deep breath. Her lip trembles. Her knees are
    weak. Her eyes, though, are steady, gazing at the
    silhouette before her. She doesn’t move of speak. He
    moves closer.


    In certain crab spiders, such as Xysticus,

    the male will attach strands of silk to

    the female… tying her limbs…

    Spider Man moves his hand gracefully across her, and she
    sees the sheerest silk webbing glinting in the moonlight.
    First one wrist. Then the other. Hypnotic movement in
    the moonlight. Her arms are bound to the wall. Her
    breathing gets more rapid.


    Since the female can break free at any

    time, the bonds have only symbolic



    The male must be very bold… to take

    such liberties with the predatory female.


    Yes. He is very bold. But he must also

    trust her.

    (he moves very close)

    Close your eyes.

    He removes his mask and kisses her. Their mouths very
    slowly and very sensuously devour each other.
    Peter and MJ are locked together. He is mesmerizing,
    gentle, powerful. He pushes up her skirt. They make
    love, high above the world.
    She doesn’t look.