nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, June 15, 2017
  2. Friday, April 14, 2017

    my problem is i want to do everything 

    for example kirsten dunst is one of my favorite actresses and sofia coppola is one of my favorite directors and i love marie antoinette

    but last night for some reason i was fact checking it and trying to determine if she really did say “let them eat cake” or not and the more i learned about the Last Queen of France the more i realized coppola’s movie didn’t really tell us the whole thing.

    for starters, marie was 14 when she got hitched to the Heir Apparent of France


    you can’t cast 30something kirsten dunst in a movie about a 14 year old.

    also, in the coppola movie we are led to believe that her 15 yr old hubby is gay or something and thats why he doesnt wanna have sex with her.

    but according to the internet, he had some weird disease that prevented him from getting erect. so he probably shied away from activity where he would have to reveal his mighty sword.

    legend has it that her mom summoned her older brother to move to France to coach the young pair about the ways of being in a loving relationship and voila a year later marie was knocked up. everyone praises her brother for setting the two straight. but in truth it was a medicinal cure that allowed the future king to become the man everyone hoped he would be.

    but that medicine also made him very sleepy at night, which is when marie would sneak off and party into dawn – or noon depending on how good the soiree was.

    am i crazy to think that these are facts that would make for a better film? and what about her trial, the one that led her to get her head cut off. the trial where she was falsely accused of having incest? shouldn’t that have been a huge part of the movie? do i have to do everything? do i have to find a 14 year old actress (or a young looking 16 year old) to play the role?

    then what am i supposed to do about the bible? can i really turn it all into Black Mirror episodes? i havent read any of the books about screenwriting yet. how am i supposed to be a screenwriter unless i learn?

    all im gonna be is an uber driver, lets face it. it’s the one thing im actually good at.

    and theres no shame in that, not everyones good at even that. my coworker said her driver dozed off for a brief second at a stop light.

    id never do that. nor have i. its why God created classic Coke.

    but what if i doze off before i fix cinema?

    then what?

  3. Wednesday, February 22, 2017

    pretty girl came over with a screener of Loving 

    it’s surprising how quickly i can clean up my house when the price is right

    she said she had some lobsters. i said i have some mashed potatoes, broccoli and carrots.

    i didnt tell her that the potatoes were pre mashed and the veggies you can nuke in the bag.

    when she came over she saw a huge Groupon box that was just delivered.

    whats that she asked?

    not sure, i said, nervous that it might be some inappropriateness that i’d bought for another.

    she said arent you gonna open it?

    i said, it wouldnt be a surprise if i open it.

    the food got made fast, we sat on my couch. the cats behaved.

    finally she said, are you seriously not going to open the box?

    the movie was boring.

    so i said, fine. but you have to know, sometimes i order things as gifts for people

    and they’re completely jokes.

    uh huh, she said and retrieved a pair of scissors from my wall.

    i hang scissors on my wall, ok?

    opened the box and it was this Egg Cooker where you can hard boil up to 7 eggs at one time.

    i was relieved.

    she said, im stuffed but maybe we should see if this works.

    it worked.

    we sprinkled some salt on the eggs, ate them, and i said, i fucking love eggs

    she said me too and took off her sweater.

  4. Tuesday, February 21, 2017

    me and aj met in santa monica to see moonlight 

    aj in collegethis is the Oscar home stretch so i have to see all the rest of the Best Picture films before Sunday

    so when AJ was all, lets go, tonight! i was all f yes!

    i have this Uber subscription that gives me 20 rides all around LA for $4. even though i knew i wasnt gonna get drunk and even though it was President’s Day, who doesn’t like getting a ride for $4 across town?

    we met at The Landmark on Pico which has very fancy theaters.

    i was starving but i got there early so i walked through my new favorite store, Nordstrom, and on to the Food Court.

    it was empty in the Westside Pavillion. Super empty. Sad empty. People were cleaning things that were already clean.

    Ordered some food at the Panda Express. They never have panda. Weird.

    Walked back and AJ arrived. We got a Mexicoke and a popcorn and the film began.

    Soooo many black people in the film. When was the last time you saw something like that? And a story told very slowly. Also good. But in the end I was all, what happened? Did anything really happen? And what was i supposed to learn from it? Stay in school, don’t do drugs?

    I couldn’t understand why this is getting so much Oscar buzz. Same with La La Land. But that’s me, Mr. Critical. Mr. Meh. Ashley so many years ago was right, I cannot be pleased.

    But what was pleasing was AJ and I walked around West LA. Just walking and talking. Catching up. We tried to eat at Islands but they were closing and didn’t like the looks of us. I tried to eat at Jack in the Box but AJ was all, come on Tone. So we settled for a donut or two at this Donut store.

    We walked more, talked more on the quiet streets. It was very nice. Very. Sometimes friends youve known for a long time are better than Oscar nominated films.

    Sometimes always.

  5. Monday, December 5, 2016

    saw two big time movies this weekend 



    Denzel was fine, but whatever. He shouldn’t be directing himself. He needed more emotion instead of memorization of August Wilsons fantastic words.

    Viola was fantastic though. And great ending.


    Natalie Portman was pretty, but did Jackie O really sound like that? It seemed like she was doing a Marilyn Monroe imitation.

    It had no Act 3.

  6. Wednesday, April 20, 2016

    sometimes i know whats going on 

    ice cube and axlsometimes i dont know whats happening at all

    last night a pretty girl came over and said lets make crazy love.

    i said omg lets watch this movie about Tower Records first.

    this is what happens when you get super olde, btw

    so she was just happy to be there so she said fine and we turned on the tv and she made popcorn and we watched the movie

    just as i thought, she fell asleep about 20 minutes into it because she was too young to remember when record stores mattered, you know when they were the center of the universe and if you really loved music youd know where they all were in every part of town and which ones were great at used records and which ones were great at singles and which ones were cheap and which ones were perfect for imports

    the tower records story was fascinating. i didnt know anything about it. it pretty much mirrored the trajectory of records in general. the dude started by getting a part of his dads drug store and he bought 45s in frisco and drove them to Sacto and sold them and drove back and bought twice as many and sold twice as many

    then one day he was all fuckit, let me get a big ass location in frisco and make “the biggest record store in the world” and he did and it was a success and every time he built a record store it was pretty much a success. and everything went well until the industry a) stepped away from singles and got greedy and tried to shove albums down everyones throats for $16.99

    and b) didnt pay close enough attention to napster and itunes and the ipod.

    but one magical thing happened: Japan. tower figured out how to make it happen in Japan early on and there are still Tower Records stores there to this day.

    which is something no one would have predicted (none in the US and tons there) which tells me its ok not to know things. its ok to rise and fall. its ok to live life filled with love and wonder.

    and rock n roll may die, but all those great tunes never will.

  7. Monday, April 18, 2016

    i am a half million years old 

    work of artand on this journey i have seen a million beautiful images. these eyes. oh boy. what theyve seen.

    ive gone to museums, rock shows, wonders of the world.

    some of the most amazing women have said hi busblog and stripped down and hugged me.

    ive read amazing books, been taught by some of the brightest teachers.

    and living in california most of my life ive seen more than my fair share of gorgeous landscapes, sunsets, and skateboard tricks.

    most of the time i say, why have you given me this, Lord, why me? who am i?

    and every now and then a little voice will whisper: because you will write it down.

    im reading Acts right now which is one of my favorite books of the bible because shit gets cray in there. some weird magical stuff goes down and people are all wtf! after all of that i went to the movies with a pretty girl who in the middle of the movie asked me to squeeze her bare leg, so i did. it was the best part of the film.

    i get disappointed easily because i have high hopes. especially for movies. especially for movies directed by ppl who rarely make bad movies.

    but perhaps one reason i am so thankful for when i get to see or experience something super good

    is because i sit through so much crud.

    Everybody Wants Some was crud.

    if bro wanted to make a gay movie, he should have. but maybe he thought it would be ok. it’s ok bro.

    that movie i sat through last night was not ok.

  8. Friday, January 29, 2016

    saw the Martian on weds and the Revenant last night 

    revenantthe Martian was pretty good. actually really good and im very happy that i saw it before i saw The Revenant because omg

    Chibo and Inuerudo and Leo

    and mother nature

    and Tom Hardy

    and that rapey bear

    and wow wow wow

    i was totally blown away.

    i had heard mixed reviews so my expectations were low. which is a great place to be. but through lots of it my mouth was wide open

    like wow look how pretty things are and woah whats happening is he gonna die? mama mia.

    but when i got into work today some of the people were like me: give them all the oscars

    and others were like the critics: meh

    and i was like, were you in the same theater as i was? but they were. which shows to go ya: you cant please everyone.

    speaking of, my laptop is on its last legs, so if i dont busblog this weekend dont fret, im alive, im just trying to figure out how to fix that bad boy.

  9. Tuesday, January 19, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do. 


    i also love movies. and music. and sitting all weekend in my bed doing jack.

    but starting next week imma catch up on all the Oscar nominated films that i havent seen yet.

    heres my gameplan

    tuesday – Room

    wednesday – The Martian

    thursday – The Revenant

    friday – Trumbo

    saturday – The Big Short (in the day)
    saturday – nominated Animated Shorts (at night)

    wish me luck

  10. Sunday, December 20, 2015

    the new star wars movie is just meh and everyone knows it 

    image3 which is so disappointing because they knew everyone was gonna go. they knew the kids needed something to have them believe in magic. they knew everyone is still alive and wondering what this guy JJ can do with blacks and women and other minorities and all this new technology and dudamel and social media and ATMOS and seats that shake and gay marriage and obamacare and bath salts and a chicago cubs team thats image4poised for a dynasty.

    so what did the new star wars give us?

    it’s easier to list what it didnt give us



    a super evil villian

    an super cool story

    plot twists


    a great new soundtrack

    a deep subplot about good v evil or racism or sexism or how no matter what edge of the galaxy we are all from, deep down we’re all the same. but no, they played it safe. they figured we got a whole bunch more of these puppies lets keep the gravy train rolling. lets not upset the apple cart. let’s not create a disturbance in the Force.

    i hate when things are played safely. nothing great comes from mediocracy. plus it’s a terrible example for the kids. the kids need to know that the reason why music sucks today is because it’s so tame and uncreative. that it neither celebrates the mastery of an instrument or any real knowledge of the technology.

    same can be said for The Force Awakens.

    fortunately i only spent $6.50 because The Vista is incredible, and i didn’t have to wait out in the rain or cold like so many other true fans did.

    was there anything i loved? the desire of the audience to cheer at any uplifting moment.

    bless their hearts.