nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 18, 2014

    The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) 

    grand budapest

    “You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that’s what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant… Oh, fuck it.”

  2. Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    The New York Times reviews “Male and Female” nearly 100 years ago 

    male and female

    Of course, if any one is profoundly impressed by the solemn assurance that the best looking, most competent man and the prettiest girl of a party shipwrecked on an island will, in two years, gravitate toward each other, regardless of the fact that in England one was a butler and the other a “lady,” for that one “Male and Female” is apocalyptic. But the same person should ponder deeply over the revelation that two and two make four.

    - NY Times, November 24, 1919

  3. Friday, November 7, 2014

    was in the Vons parking lot at 8pm across from the Vista 


    i craned my neck to see if dumbass Gone Girl was still playing there and i saw it was Intersteller

    i was all, say whaaaa? for it was Thursday and I didn’t think it was coming out till Friday.

    still in my car i checked the listings in Fandango and sure enough it was playing the Vista and in 45 mins it was gonna screen.

    also it warned me that the running time was an epic 2 hours and 45 minutes.

    so i went into the store and bought four huge deals of kitty litter, some banannas, a couple of avocados

    and one of those sushi meals in a plastic box.

    while waiting in the checkout line i also grabbed three 20 ounce bottle of Coke.

    got home, pet the cats, made sure they had food and water. changed into a Tsar tshirt and sweat pants

    and walked to the movies.

    all of that was far more exciting, believable, and interesting than the movie.

    Christopher Nolan may be a genius and there were elements of this film that were creative

    and i will give him points for being so G-D ambitious in a time where everyone plays it safe safe safe.

    but it was a ghost story wrapped in space epic constantly being haunted by those who did it much better

    namely mr stanley kubrick and his 1968 masterpiece 2001.

    in fact the best thing i can think to say about interstellar is it reminds us all how superbly fantastic 2001 was.

    and still is.

    because if 46 years later, one of the absolute top directors in the world

    can’t even shine your shoes

    then you have made something beautiful that deserves all the praise forever and ever amen.

    and nolan needs to get a few friends who will say, no, bro, this aint happening.

  4. Tuesday, October 28, 2014

    the irony in this statement is ironic 

    cameron diaz something about mary

    “I remember seeing There’s Something About Mary in the theaters when I was in my 20s, and there’s Cameron Diaz, who looks like Cameron Diaz, but she’s also a doctor, and she also loooves hamburgers, and she starts out playing golf in the morning, and all she wants from a man is a guy who wants to take her to a football game, and she wants to eat hot dogs and drink real beer. Real beer! And I thought, Wow, that’s a cool girl! And then I thought, Oh, right. She’s been invented by guys.”

    – Gillian Flynn, author of Gone Girl
    via vulture

  5. Tuesday, October 14, 2014

    anyone heard of Simon of the Desert? 


    heres what wikipedia has to say about it.

    Simon of the Desert is a 1965 film directed by Luis Buñel.


    It is loosely based on the story of the ascetic 5th-century Syrian saint Simeon Stylites


    who lived for 39 years on top of a column.


    maybe im a crazy person but id actually love to see a movie about a dude who spent 39 years on top of a column.

    fortunately for all of us it’s only 42 minutes long.

    maybe he fell off.

  6. Friday, October 3, 2014

    what if it’s my destiny to do exactly what im supposed to be doing? 

    the blues brothersfor most of my life ive felt the urge to be doing something else.

    but then when i start doing that something i get weirded out and want to do something else.

    even when i was in my dream job of being the boss of LAist i wanted to work at the LA Times

    then when i got that job, an office, an amazing assistant, and all the coolest blogs, i wanted to be somewhere else.

    is there any wonder i am not married with 2.4 kids with a two story house in the suburbs?

    but weirdly when i see my friends with those things im all: want!

    im already tired of my kittens, even though they are ridiculously cute and get so excited when i come home.

    kittens arent supposed to be like that, but they are to me. they follow me to the bathroom

    they sit on the sink and watch me read from the toilet.

    they follow me to the kitchen and hop on boxes and watch and watch.

    when i finally make it to the couch they hop on my chest and give me boob massages which is their way of saying omg how was your day?

    still, im not crazy that the house smells of kitten and they like to rip things up and track dirt on my shiny new white sink and tub.

    but they do eat bugs spiders and weird flying things and they entertain me while my tv is not working so

    theres still something wrong with me.

    my car has this great radio. it lets you program your 10 favorite rock bands in there and it tells you whenever they are on the radio.

    doesnt matter what im looking for if it says Led Zeppelin is on channel 25, i’ll switch over.


    im seriously thinking about cutting my cable and my home internet. it’s just too much money and it distracts.

    this last week ive been getting to sleep on time. i wake up earlier. it’s quieter.

    and im reading like crazy: paper products. isnt that what al gore wanted?

    the blues brothers didnt have the web and they did just fine.

    until they got thrown in joliet state prison.

  7. Thursday, August 21, 2014
  8. theres a scene in Barfly where Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway meet at a bar 

    amber at thai

    they have a few drinks, eat some food, fall asleep at his apartment and at some point he has to run

    but before he does he gives her a copy of his keys

    she’s all, you trust me with these?

    he says, sure, it’s easier that way.

    pretty sure amber smith blog follows that same lifestyle. if we’re driving down the road

    and she says lets have some thai, i’ll say where do you wanna go? she’ll say somewhere off the beaten path.

    for some reason i like that.

    last night all of her plans went haywire so i picked her up after work.

    i said id really like to take you to the movies. so we went to my place, heated up last nights thai.

    played with the kittens and jeanine. and then ubered to the arclight.

    she didnt even ask what movie we were gonna see.

    we sat down and took in Boyhood. a movie that was filmed for two weeks a year for 12 years.

    really different. a little weird. three hours long. and pretty enjoyable.

    when it was over she said, i will go to any movie you want anytime any where. you know movies!

    i was all, you know where i work, right?

    she said the xbi, duh.

  9. Thursday, August 14, 2014

    i was all whattya wanna see? she said how about Mrs. Doubtfire? 

    fisher king

    but for some reason Netflix doesn’t have it. Obama!

    so i was like, have you seen The Fisher King? she was all, never even heard of it.

    i said oh it was directed by the guy who made the Monty Python movies and it’s a little weird.

    she went, lets get weird.

    so ordered some chinese, put on some movie-watching clothes, hypnotized the kittens to fall asleep

    and was disappointingly underwhelmed with how The Fisher King has held up over the years.

    for some reason i remember it being trippier and weirder and… deeper than it felt last night.

    totally forgot that Jeff Bridges’ character was a Howard Stern ripoff (tribute?)

    and was bummed that a lot of the zest and creativity from Brazil, Time Bandits, and Baron Munchausen wasn’t there.

    the young lady fell asleep after a few hours and woke up for the end

    and yours truly also was lured to the land of nod before the film was over.

    not at all what i would have expected from a Robin Williams movie directed by Terry Gilliam.

    Williams, however, was terrific, but was pretty much just Robin Williams.

    not that theres anything wrong with that, but come on bros!

  10. Monday, August 11, 2014

    movie review: guardians of the galaxy 

    guardians of the galaxylast year i was unemployed. heres how it went emotionally, in stages.

    1. shock
    2. devastation
    3. utter fear
    4. loss of self esteem
    5. resignation
    6. denial
    7. re-resignation
    8. total depression
    9. whoo hoo vacation
    10. never going outside
    11. terrible money making schemes
    12. tons of tv watching
    13. hiking in the heat
    14. candy crush addiction
    15. high blood pressure
    16. headaches
    17. binge watching all the tv series i never had time for
    18. falling head over heels in love with Parks & Rec
    19. deciding, fine, i will move to NYC
    20. landing a job at the academy (thankfully, in beverly hills)
    21. relief

    two reasons i loved Parks & Rec: the loveably clueless Andy and his wickedly beautiful girlfriend April. also, the writing was fantastic. #TreatYourself. actually i liked all the characters. but Andy was and is my favorite. and then April. ok maybe April is first.

    so to see Chris Pratt get a superhero role i was all, whaaaa? was Marvel in a deep dark depression last summer too? did they also start to see the light when the healing powers of comedy swept over them?

    did they go and ask him to lose a bunch of weight and hit the gym to bulk up to star opposite a raccoon and a spiritual giving tree in a summer blockbuster?

    i was distracted through the film but i loved it. i might have to see it again.

    but i probably will have other things to do. like see Boyhood. which is nothing like this, im told.

    whateves, it only cost me $6 because the vista rules. so i got a hotdog a popcorn and a water ($12.50). and still it was cheaper than if i had seen it in 3D.