nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, November 25, 2015

    i dont think people realize, im very shy 

    the night before

    super true.

    the blogging, the journalisming, the ubering: it’s all ways for me to help me break out of my shell because if i had my way id just move to maui, learn how to mix drinks, and just work at a hotel bar and call it a day.

    why bother with all of this hoo ha?

    but i know that the good lord put me in this place for a reason and it isn’t to take the easy way out and get wrinkly in a tropical paradise and marry a hula girl and be a massive sellout.

    still, it’s a struggle when im at a roulette wheel sipping on my rum n coke and a pretty girl sits a few stools down from me and she smiles. is she a hooker? is she a man? does she have some terrible diseases? does she think i have a wallet full of cash?

    one guy after another sits by her and loses in one way after another and finally after they leave she scootches over to me.

    i like your system she says. shes been watching. of course she has. it’s so simple. bet one chip on black. if you lose, bet two on black. if you lose again bet four on black. if you lose again bet eight on black. eventually it’s gonna be black and when it does, take the winnings and bet one on black again.

    the night beforemeanwhile the rum n cokes keep coming and either the frat boys win big and leave with the girl or they lose and try to woo her anyways but, come on. yr a loser. and just look at her.

    she starts betting along with me. one on black. two on black. four on black, drink.

    she asks me where im from. i tip my cubs hat. she looks confused. i say the c is for canada.

    i think shes from japan, but her english is better than mine. id ask her, but im very shy and i dont wanna be racist. she has sparkly jewelry. i expect her big strong husband to arrive any minute but no one ever comes.

    she says, wanna get out of here?

    i say, whats better than this? free drinks, we’ve hit black like five times in a row, and theres a pretty girl who keeps bumping her knee against mine.

    she apologizes. more drinks come. i tip the waitress for both of ours. she was doing wine, now shes on to cosmos. if i wanted to get drunk id have ordered some shots for us but im still not entirely sure shes not a man.

    after a while she says, if you could do anything right now, what would it be?

    i say, what, it’s like 7pm? vegas. prettiest girl in this whole casino? tony pierce, fresh from canada with like 5-6 drinks in him? well, id see the new seth rogen movie.

    she says what movie is that?

    i say, “the night before.”

    she says the night before what?

    i say, i think its the night before Christmas. i think it’s a Christmas movie for adults.

    and she says, id love to see a Christmas movie for adults.

    and she did for about a half hour, and then she fell asleep on my shoulder.

    was probably a man.

  2. Tuesday, November 17, 2015

    the jingle jangle of a thousand lost souls 

    rev james brown

    last night i had a very pretty young lady over my house. how does this keep happening!?

    first she tried to woo me over to her house by claiming there was a jack in the box nearby. good try!

    but i countered by saying that i wanted to watch my favorite film of all time, The Blues Brothers at my crib.

    she said k, which is french for “i will leave my underwear at home.”

    so i picked her up, we drove over to my house and as we parked an Adam & the Ants tune came on and i told her about the time I met Adam while i was pumping gas in Century City back in the day. when it was over she asked omg how old are you?

    note to self: never tell a beautiful young lady that you met an ’80s star in the ’80s.

    we got to my house and did what a man and woman should do on a windy school night and when that was over i turned on my xBox and purchased the HD version of the blues brothers because – as mickey roarke said in Barfly “it’s just easier this way.”

    i could not sit down. the blues brothers does something to me. it fills me with the spirit. she had never seen the film before and i wondered what she thought when the Rev. Cleophus Brown (played perfectly by James Brown) delivered his sermon:

    And now, people… And now, people… When I woke up this mornin’, I heard a distubin’ sound. I said When I woke up this mornin’, I heard a disturbin’ sound! What I heard was the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls! I’m talkin’ ’bout the souls of mortal men and women, departed from this life. Wait a minute! Those lost angry souls roamin’ unseen on the earth, seekin’ to find life they’ll not find, because it’s too late! Tooooo late, yeah! Too late for they’ll never see again the life they choose not to follow. Alright! Alright! Don’t be lost when your time comes! For the day of the Lord cometh as a thief in the night!

    when i turned around she was fast asleep.

    she had a smile on her face, but she was out.

    so i turned off the movie and since the xBox was on i dialed up NBA Jam and made the Beastie Boys play President and Hillary Clinton.

    i have the most fascinating life.

  3. Monday, November 16, 2015

    last night i saw “Spotlight” 

    Spotlight the Movie

    i was underwhelmed.

    it had gotten some good reviews. there were a few good performances.

    mark ruffalo was fantastic.

    the dude from Mad Men made me miss Mad Men.

    other than that there werent that many surprises because we all know what happened.

    i didnt think it was shot with much artistry.

    i may be its only current critic as it’s getting a whopping 98% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes

    id give it a b- or c+

    but the one really good thing about it is it shows how important long form investigative journalism is.

    newspapers continue to struggle, so i would be interested to see if television news rooms will pick up the slack and start delivering the type of scoops that newspapers have given us over the years.

    i hope so

  4. Sunday, November 15, 2015

    spike accepts his oscar and does the right thing 

    spike lee, wesley snipes, samuel jackson, denzel washington

    Brooklyn in the house! Last night the trailblazing director Spike Lee received an Honorary Academy Award for his unique and creative career which told a story about a vitally important part of the United States that very few before him showed on screen.

    At 17 minutes there’s a lot going on in here: how Spike got his first camera, what he did with it, how he was getting Ds in school before film found him and then his grades turned around, how important historically black colleges and education was/is to him and his family, how he changed the Teamsters, the importance of the selflessness of his grandmother, and current experiences with “diversity”.

    Then he looked Hollywood in the eye and spoke truth to power – something so few people do when they’re given the opportunity. Spike said, “this industry is so behind sports, it’s ridiculous. It’s easier to be president of the united states as a black person, than be the head of a studio… or head of a network.”

    Spike was wearing a special edition Jordan 6 air jordans which he told me were specially made just for him. “One of one” he said. “The Oscar Edition.”

    That too is mentioned early on. I think he was equally proud of those.

    Yes it’s the shoes, Mookie! The shooooooes!

    Many more videos and photos from the night are here

  5. Monday, November 9, 2015

    i’m not getting old but my back sure is 

    back exercises

    got one of those two way cameras for my uber so i can video the crazy ppl in the back seat and the crazier ones driving ahead of me.

    one of the things i had to do was hide the wires in the windshield and down along the door. i did this while i was at the Coin Laundry because im a multi tasking FOOL

    unfortunately when i was bending in the passenger side my back was all, yeah no. from time to time it tried to go out on me but i usually catch it. this time it tweaked and i had to get on my knees so as to not agitate it. its quite a look in a ghetto parking lot, lemme tell you.

    the xbi texted me “agent are you down?” i was all I DONT WORK FOR YOU! they were all, “we can send help, whats the problem?”

    for all i know theyre doing something to me so they can fix it and then i’ll magically love them forever. FAT CHANCE.

    the only people i love forever is my momma and the Cubs. maybe AC/DC. and the Nexus, who printed my FU UCSB Students Get It Together post this weekend.

    what was i yakking about? who knows. saw the first 10 minutes of the new james bond flick. why just the first 10 minutes?

    i was with a pretty girl. surprise! actually theres nothing but pretty girls in LA. and we were about to head into the theater and i said, look i know its not cool to say this but got damn girl you are looking incredible, can i just see whats doin? and she spun around for me real quick and i let it all soak in and hubba hubba.

    and she said, hey can we sit on the aisle so if i have to pee or if it sucks we can just, you know, leave.

    i said fine as you is, we can do whatever.

    so the movie starts and its incredible. james bond is shooting fools, hopping in a helicopter, fighting both the pilot and this other guy and below are all these mexicans in day of the dead makeup. its quite a scene. and one thing leads to another and BAM! then the opening credits. then 007 gets yelled at by his boss. JUST LIKE HOW THE XBI DOES ME. and i feel this tap on my shoulder and she says “ok lets split.” and i say now? it was 11 minutes into the film. and she winks at me.

    so we split. she says im hungry. i say ok. she says, lets go to mcdonalds. i say you know me so well. but i say, you’re a skinny little white girl, what do you eat at mcdonalds? she says “the ice cream cone.”

    and america, she ate that ice cream cone right in front of me.

    fixed my dumb back, thats for sure.

  6. Sunday, October 18, 2015
  7. Monday, August 17, 2015

    finally saw Dr. Strangelove last night 

    dr. strangelove

    im a huge kubrick fan, but im a weirdo so of course i hadnt seen this 1964 classic yet.

    i have this strange quirk where if i really like something i wont watch or read all of it so i can save a little something for a rainy day.

    recently i realized i live in LA. it never rains here. so i may as well get to seeing all the things i know id like and get it over with.

    sundays are a good day for that because i try not to book anything on those days and just leave it to bible reading and sitting on my fat ass.

    so yesterday after reading the book of Daniel, in which Shadrach, Meshack and Abenedigo danced in King Nebuckennezer’s firey furnace, i noticed that Dr. Stragelove was on Amazon Prime so i turned on my xBox and watched it like the founders intended.

    i thought it was ok. not spectacular. kubrick hadnt discovered his symmetry but def had the humor down. it was interesting thinking about the battles in Full Metal Jacket compared to the battles here. but moreso he nailed the officer class in this one. dont ask me why i know.

    peter sellers was incredible, but i didnt even know george c scott was in this. and how great was he.

    but the best was the russian scare. we used to be terrified of them. and bombs. and world destruction.

    im so glad we arent ruled by our fear of phantoms any more.

  8. Sunday, August 16, 2015

    todays bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 

    bukowski, madonnahad a good hot weekend. it was hot. like hottern itd been all year.

    slept over the covers with the windows open and the fan twirling and the cats purring and the moon looking down saying it dont look that hot from up heres

    and the earth saying who the hell asked you anyways

    friday ali said what are you up to tonight i said imma see a one woman show. she said no way. i said i know i never do that.

    she said i wanna come. i said fine meet me at my place and we’ll take a lyft over there. she said not an uber?

    i said, its good to keep the competition going.

    the show was The Mermaid who learned how to Fly. kyla garcia. she was incredible. did like 20 different characters. two of them were in love with her. so basically she made out with herself twice.

    once even as a lady.

    it took me a little while to get into it because i dont go to plays. and it was hot. and you have to suspend your belief and just let go. but once you do, it gets fantastic.

    so at first i didnt like her irish narrator fairy lady but as the play went on i kept hoping for her to come back, and when she did i was so happy. also of interest was the narrator was sorta falling apart physically as the play went on. bad back. it was funny. kyla was very surprising.

    after that ali and i went to malo and ate tacos and drank margueritas. im not crazy about that place but its close and they had an outside so we cooled off.

    saturday i ubered a little. hit my goal and then went to the academy to see Straight Outta Compton. it needs to be stated that since that record dropped back when i was in college, NWA and that record have been super important to me.

    so to see it for free in the best theater in LA was incredible.

    ice cube and the fans

    full house. and almost everyone stayed afterwards to hear Ice Cube, his son, the director, a producer, and the dudes who played Dr. Dre and Eazy talk about it.

    ive never seen that many people stay.

    or cheer so many times at the end.

    i give the movie a B+ but i give ice cube an A+ for staying after the talk and taking pictures with everyone who asked. which were hundreds. he didnt care. he soaked it in.

    and the movie won the weekend. making something like $60 million. smash hit of the summer. a movie about black gangsta rappers whose music is not played on the radio. and yet one of the rappers turns into a movie star another tuns into a billionaire and a third dies of AIDS. so freaky.

    xbi texted me when i was still in the theatre. they wanted a favor i said no. they said order an uber and we can help you out.

    tanya and freedai said i didnt need any help. i was happy. i was in great spirits and i wasnt gonna do squat on sunday. they said dont be a dope, order an uber.

    and when i did a toyota avalon appeared with this great reggae singer as a driver

    and two swedish girls in the back

    and the whole trip i thought, theyre gonna kill me, arent they?

    this is how it ends?


    reggae in swedish probably means good bye i thought but no

    id been to sweden and i knew that hej då meant good bye

    or did it mean hello?

    the girls were just laughing at me.

    they kept calling me Chicago.

    hey Chicago, why dont you change your clothes and meet us at the Chateau

    i said how do you say nothing ever good happens to chicagoans

    late at night at the chateau

    in swedish

  9. Tuesday, August 4, 2015

    who goes there 

    baloonim gonna try something this week while driving the uber. an experiment of sorts. im not going to say anything about my real life. im gonna be quiet.

    i feel like i talk too much. some people hate it when drivers talk to much, especially about themselves.

    i had a beautiful asian young woman in my uber last week. she said how great the ride was, but still i blew it.

    at the end i asked her how you say Goodbye in Taiwanese.

    she told me and i was all what?

    she told me again and i remembered i cant speak any foreign language.

    not even if you tell me the word twice.

    im an idiot.

    last night i took this old businessman from beverly hills to his hotel in the val.

    we had to go through coldwater canyon which is twisty turny. i dont like it cuz theres always some jackhole tailgating me.

    we were doing well until we started talking about meryl streep

    i told him i heard an interview with her where she said as soon as she turned 40 all the roles she was getting were for witches

    eventually she took one

    (“Into The Woods”)

    but still, shes meryl freaking streep.

    suddenly this affable man was like

    people shouldnt complain. if you dont like something do something about it. stop whining.

    i was all, whoa.

    he said, if i dont make a sale i dont blame anyone but myself.

    it seemed to have struck a nerve.

    i hope i dont get 1 star from how that ended.

  10. Monday, July 20, 2015

    it was hot and rainy so i saw three movies 

    ant-manAnt-Man, Irrational Man, and Trainwreck

    Ant-Man was a surprisingly funny Marvel super hero film that stars Paul Rudd as an unlikely leader among ants.

    Crazy premise co-starring Michael Douglas and Evangeline Lily of Lost.

    I liked it more than the typical Marvel movies because this one had a sense of humor along with it’s typical shoot em up action.

    Irrational Man was sort of a disappointment because it is Woody Allen’s latest starring Joaquin Phoenix, my girlfriend Emma Stone and my other girlfriend Parker Posey. sooooo much talent on the screen and yet Woody mailed this one in. so sad.

    in a way it’s a reverse murder mystery which is sorta interesting on paper but we play the game between the lines.

    It would have been more interesting if Joaquin’s character had a little depth, if he changed a little, and if Emma Stone’s character would have been a little less predictable. Parker, weirdly, had a lot more to work with.

    Also the music was lacking. I think I heard the same little jazz riff five times. I thought you loved jazz, Woody.

    Trainwreck was the best of the three. Amy Schumer wrote and starred in this film that was directed by Judd Apatow. Perfect combination. Co-stars Lebron James, Bill Hader and a long list of former SNL regulars.

    Very funny, very raunchy. But the climatic scene had many of us thinking the same thing Bill Hader’s character says “you dont have to do this.”

    Why Apatow and Schumer thought it was necessary to put such a tired Act 3 in a movie that broke down so many stereotypes is confusing and disappointing.

    But whatever, it was a movie starring a female who isn’t defined by falling in love with a successful, basically perfect man.

    Oh wait.