nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, December 16, 2014

    whiplash is the movie of the year 

    whiplashthere was a time when studios would send over pretty girls to deliver me tapes of their films so i could write about them for the busblog and reach the smartest and most worldly readers in the world.

    when theyd come over and pour drinks and give me massages they would tell me they were from the academy but once i started working here i learned they werent from the academy, they were from the studios: or worse, hired by the studios to seduce me and influence my virgin mind into thinking that thier films were amaze times ten

    so when i got a knock on my door last night as the drizzle came down and it was two young ladies dressed in santa suits with revealing cleavage i was all, wrong number

    they were all, tony? tony pierce?

    i was like, he’s across the street, and pointed at the sighentology church.

    they laughed and said come on we’re huge fans simply here to deliver you this dvd from the academy.

    i said, ah HA ive finally caught you in your bed of lies, i work there now and we dont have any such group of runway models who run around hustling screeners to influencers and powerfully handsome bloggers.

    and then they started crying so i let them in because tears.

    right as i shut the door another knock sounded and i opened it and it was italian food being delivered. the ladies whipped out some cash and started playing with my cats as i hunted in my kitchen for clean dishes and glasses. failed and decided we would just eat it out of the box as we watched the powerful film.

    super great, super intense, great music, fantastic acting, and unreal directing by a guy who at 29 years old had never directed before!

    in the morning the girls asked me what my top five list of films were for this year and i said this is actually super easy:

    1. whiplash

    2. birdman

    3. the grand budapest hotel

    4. the lego movie

    5. boyhood

    and each of them kissed my cheek.


  2. Monday, December 15, 2014

    ive seen a lot of bad movies this year 

    inherent vice

    Inherent Vice was one of them

    a waste of good acting by Phoenix and Brolin

    a wtf story that probably should never have been adapted to screen

    muddled dialogue that was intended to mimic stoney thoughts

    all together a mess that i wasted way too much money on.

  3. Monday, November 24, 2014

    saw mockingjay last night 

    american music awardsit was fine. nothing amazing. a placeholder but a perfectly fine placeholder.

    the biggest applause at the end was when they put Phillip Seymore Hoffman’s name on the screen at the beginning of the credits.

    i must say, it is nice to hop in a car, drive a half hour and see a brand new movie, free, in one of the best movie theaters in the world. perfect sound and picture. nobodys talking. it wasnt even as packed as i thought it would be. maybe because there was no panel afterwards. who knows.

    this is gonna be a short work week. i plan to drive though. not sure if i wanna drive on wednesday. the paper says its going to be super crazy terrible traffic like omg.

    might go see dumb and dumber to on wednesday if thats the case. imagine you get a ride to the airport and the guy is late and the traffic is terrible and then you have to deal with LAX.

    theyd have to give me triple pay to do that.

    and be super nice.

    last night i watched playboy after dark. whoops i mean the american music awards.

    dont get me wrong, im a red blooded straight american man.

    sexy or slutty, which was it? guess it all depends on who you ask. to me it made me a little happy because the women were very pretty and i enjoyed the songs.

    but it made me a lot sad because pop music is usually horrible, but occassionally you can see some hope there. like everythings gonna be ok.

    lorde was good.

    but can she save rock n roll?

  4. Tuesday, November 18, 2014

    The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) 

    grand budapest

    “You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that’s what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant… Oh, fuck it.”

  5. Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    The New York Times reviews “Male and Female” nearly 100 years ago 

    male and female

    Of course, if any one is profoundly impressed by the solemn assurance that the best looking, most competent man and the prettiest girl of a party shipwrecked on an island will, in two years, gravitate toward each other, regardless of the fact that in England one was a butler and the other a “lady,” for that one “Male and Female” is apocalyptic. But the same person should ponder deeply over the revelation that two and two make four.

    - NY Times, November 24, 1919

  6. Friday, November 7, 2014

    was in the Vons parking lot at 8pm across from the Vista 


    i craned my neck to see if dumbass Gone Girl was still playing there and i saw it was Intersteller

    i was all, say whaaaa? for it was Thursday and I didn’t think it was coming out till Friday.

    still in my car i checked the listings in Fandango and sure enough it was playing the Vista and in 45 mins it was gonna screen.

    also it warned me that the running time was an epic 2 hours and 45 minutes.

    so i went into the store and bought four huge deals of kitty litter, some banannas, a couple of avocados

    and one of those sushi meals in a plastic box.

    while waiting in the checkout line i also grabbed three 20 ounce bottle of Coke.

    got home, pet the cats, made sure they had food and water. changed into a Tsar tshirt and sweat pants

    and walked to the movies.

    all of that was far more exciting, believable, and interesting than the movie.

    Christopher Nolan may be a genius and there were elements of this film that were creative

    and i will give him points for being so G-D ambitious in a time where everyone plays it safe safe safe.

    but it was a ghost story wrapped in space epic constantly being haunted by those who did it much better

    namely mr stanley kubrick and his 1968 masterpiece 2001.

    in fact the best thing i can think to say about interstellar is it reminds us all how superbly fantastic 2001 was.

    and still is.

    because if 46 years later, one of the absolute top directors in the world

    can’t even shine your shoes

    then you have made something beautiful that deserves all the praise forever and ever amen.

    and nolan needs to get a few friends who will say, no, bro, this aint happening.

  7. Tuesday, October 28, 2014

    the irony in this statement is ironic 

    cameron diaz something about mary

    “I remember seeing There’s Something About Mary in the theaters when I was in my 20s, and there’s Cameron Diaz, who looks like Cameron Diaz, but she’s also a doctor, and she also loooves hamburgers, and she starts out playing golf in the morning, and all she wants from a man is a guy who wants to take her to a football game, and she wants to eat hot dogs and drink real beer. Real beer! And I thought, Wow, that’s a cool girl! And then I thought, Oh, right. She’s been invented by guys.”

    – Gillian Flynn, author of Gone Girl
    via vulture

  8. Tuesday, October 14, 2014

    anyone heard of Simon of the Desert? 


    heres what wikipedia has to say about it.

    Simon of the Desert is a 1965 film directed by Luis Buñel.


    It is loosely based on the story of the ascetic 5th-century Syrian saint Simeon Stylites


    who lived for 39 years on top of a column.


    maybe im a crazy person but id actually love to see a movie about a dude who spent 39 years on top of a column.

    fortunately for all of us it’s only 42 minutes long.

    maybe he fell off.

  9. Friday, October 3, 2014

    what if it’s my destiny to do exactly what im supposed to be doing? 

    the blues brothersfor most of my life ive felt the urge to be doing something else.

    but then when i start doing that something i get weirded out and want to do something else.

    even when i was in my dream job of being the boss of LAist i wanted to work at the LA Times

    then when i got that job, an office, an amazing assistant, and all the coolest blogs, i wanted to be somewhere else.

    is there any wonder i am not married with 2.4 kids with a two story house in the suburbs?

    but weirdly when i see my friends with those things im all: want!

    im already tired of my kittens, even though they are ridiculously cute and get so excited when i come home.

    kittens arent supposed to be like that, but they are to me. they follow me to the bathroom

    they sit on the sink and watch me read from the toilet.

    they follow me to the kitchen and hop on boxes and watch and watch.

    when i finally make it to the couch they hop on my chest and give me boob massages which is their way of saying omg how was your day?

    still, im not crazy that the house smells of kitten and they like to rip things up and track dirt on my shiny new white sink and tub.

    but they do eat bugs spiders and weird flying things and they entertain me while my tv is not working so

    theres still something wrong with me.

    my car has this great radio. it lets you program your 10 favorite rock bands in there and it tells you whenever they are on the radio.

    doesnt matter what im looking for if it says Led Zeppelin is on channel 25, i’ll switch over.


    im seriously thinking about cutting my cable and my home internet. it’s just too much money and it distracts.

    this last week ive been getting to sleep on time. i wake up earlier. it’s quieter.

    and im reading like crazy: paper products. isnt that what al gore wanted?

    the blues brothers didnt have the web and they did just fine.

    until they got thrown in joliet state prison.

  10. Thursday, August 21, 2014