nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, December 2, 2018

    ashley was right, im never pleased 

    etienne was right, im bossy

    emma was right, her dad should kill me

    the favourite was fine, but

    theres always a but

    heres my big problem with so many movies:

    if you have action, you can’t have romance

    if you have powerful women,

    theres no room for powerful men.

    star wars is great because everyone is great

    except for the star troopers

    so they made them look fantastic.

    the favourite looks fine, is fine, is better than most

    but is that what we should be shooting for? B-plusses?

    when you have such fine performances, costumes, framework

    would it kill you to go that extra mile?

    i have spoken. exeunt.

  2. Saturday, November 24, 2018

    i’m a weirdo, i like to see movies at the movie theater 

    i have three giant tvs in my tiny apartment

    i have surround sound systems and sound bars and sub woofers

    i have a beautiful girlfriend who prances around in exotic outfits.

    but almost every week theres a movie out there that i want to see and i want to see it in the theater with the latest sound

    and in comfortable chairs that i would never be able to afford

    and eat popcorn and drink coke and listen to how the audience reacts and then hear them afterwards say this or that.

    i always learn something when i go to the movies.

    when moviepass dropped their prices down to $10 a month last year i got one for my mom, amber and myself. but because amber has an outrageous schedule, we hardly ever went.

    now that moviepass is dunzo (basically) (even though theyre still charging me for something) i sucked it up and bought the AMC theaters $20 a month pass which is good for any movie even the IMAX and 3D ones.

    so yesterday i went and saw Ralph Breaks The Internet in 3D.

    im seriously thinking about getting a website called shouldiseeitin3D.com because who knows unless you see it.

    i really liked the movie but no you dont need to see it in 3D. if anything it’s distracting because its blurry and it takes away from the really good animation.

    since you can see 3 movies a week on this plan i might go to another movie tomorrow after church and then sneak into Ralph afterwards to rewatch the second half.

    heres the lesson i learned yesterday: tim burton, sara silverman, even johnny depp – weird and creatively wild people. probably wouldn’t pass a drug test. have definitely seen some shit, if not been the ring leader to some shit.

    and yet they have made a fortune off Disney and vice versa.

    why? because every story needs Edge.

    and if you can package that edge in such a way, then it fits perfectly into the Disney formula.

    lesson: you are not too weird to sell out and get rich, and it might not even be a sell out.

  3. Tuesday, October 9, 2018

    have i told you that amber loves lady gaga? it’s true 

    but something has happened and she has fallen out of love with her.

    and it troubles me because amber stood in the front row for like 5 hours at coachella enduring all these other acts so when her girl took the stage she would be right. there.

    so if she could fall outta love with her, what does that mean for me? sure i can play the piano and dance in 8 inch stilettos but i cant really hit those high notes any more.

    turns out bradley cooper and gaga are in a movie. not far from my house. and since amber often finds herself here there and everywhere on her days off, to see her come home at a reasonable hour today, and since i had crossed off everything on my to do list (people actually wrote me back today and said yes, one after another after another), i was all, let me take you to a romantico italian early dinner

    and she said yes too. then we walked over to the vista and saw the movie. what a theater, but remind me to stop buying popcorn, i never eat more than a handful.

    tonight i found the only thing i dont like about my favorite movie theater. i like to hold hands. if youre my girl, im touchy feely. so i will hold your hand through the entire two hour deal. unless you have a tight, short dress, and then i’ll have my hand on your leg like a creepy congressman.

    most theaters have those arm rests that you can pull up and get extra close. not the vista, the best theater in all hollywood. they are locked in. so you have to maneuver in such a way. like what they do to homeless guys who are just trying to sleep on a park bench. i just want to feel my girls thigh – is that asking too much?

    gaga sang her tushy off and bradley did a passable kris kristopherson – that low, rumbling, slurring voice coming out of that fuzzy beard. we didnt realize till the end that he had directed it too and i gotta say, hats off there. but to me, and maybe because ive seen every rock movie, fact and fiction, and this one insisted on all the cliches. its shocking to me that it has a 93% positive rating on rotten tomatoes. but story aside, they both acted well together, shes a damn natural. and he is obviously winning people over.

    high marks to andrew dice clay and dave chappelle. dice can really act, but he was mis-cast here.

    every time it was gaga on screen though, she owned it. very impressive. solid b.

  4. Sunday, October 7, 2018

    aliens invaded america today, it was rad 

    but they were detained at the border, separated from their children, and thrown in cages

    so they flew home. and good morning to you!

    im gonna be having a birthday in a few weeks and whats weird is i dont feel my age AT ALL

    i guess that’s a good thing. no it’s a Great thing. but it’s also weird because i eat a lot of foods i shouldnt. i drink a pop every day and i dont exercise.

    the only thing that makes me feel old is my buddy invited me to this rock festival the other day and some of my favorite bands were playing and we were gonna have full on VIP tix but i said, you know what i cant go with you because it’s far away and im gonna wanna go home after an hour.

    which was the gods honest truth. just the thought of it was exhausting.

    does that have to do with attention span or that i dont get supreme court drunk any more or im not interested in watching half dressed young girls who are the same age as my friends’ kids, or ive seen these bands when they were in other, better bands?

    i think part of it’s that. i feel like ive seen it all. theres very little that impresses me because nowadays everything has to be so perfect for me to enjoy it. the mood has to be right, the temperature, i have to have a good seat, it can’t cost an arm and a leg and it has to be close enough to my house that it’s not a gigantic schlep. fortunately i live in hollywood otherwise i probably wouldnt ever do anything.

    today i was watching Hiking With Kevin and he had Bella Thorne on who is 19 and she says she hardly leaves her house either and has nearly two dozen cats. but i think she stays inside mostly because of paparazi and shes uptight about her acne. who knows. my point is i love her and want to stay inside with her and amber forevers.

    ive been watching old movies. today was the karate kid which ive never seen but knew the important parts. but i needed to watch every scene for the special project. it was way better of a movie than i expected and what i liked the most was elizabeth shue wasnt twig-skinny, she looked like a normal but pretty girl from the 80s. ralph macchio was better than i expected too. and the music was crappier. all in all a+ sorry for the spoilers. blame the alien invasion.

  5. Saturday, September 22, 2018

    michael moore’s fahrenheit 11/9 

    we forget about our ideals

    we forget about the things that are important to us.

    we let them deflect away from the concept by demonizing the politician

    even though we all agree that all the politicians are lacking.

    all of them.

    ive loved every single one of my girlfriends so much, so deeply, so intensely, but ive lacked with each one, ive said stupid shit, ive not done certain things that would have made things easier and better and less smelly

    and these are people who are getting naked in front of me

    so of course politicians, strangers really, who cannot continue, they claim, without selling out a little to this one or that one — of course politicians are occasionally going to let us down in a big way.

    this movie reminds us that we have to refocus back to the basic things that we want: a healthcare system that doesn’t bankrupt people, an electoral system where when you vote it matters, gun regulations that are written by people not lobbyists

    but mostly this movie drives home the fact that this country believes in liberal values

    big time

    and the current day GOP has done nothing to change those values

    meanwhile the democratic party has no one to blame except themselves for being such wimpy ass moderates

    and not listening to their supporters who dont wanna be moderate about everything.

    teachers shouldnt have to go on food stamps.

    kids shouldnt have to worry about getting shot while in school.

    the people of flint shouldnt have to worry that their drinking water is going to affect their freaking DNA for generations to come.

    there should be no middle ground there.

    for example, zero kids should be killed in school. if you want to call me a radical for not wanting to budge on that number, then fuck yeah, im a radical.

    and fuck yeah am i happy that michael moore keeps doing what he does,

    we clearly need him.

  6. Thursday, July 19, 2018
  7. Monday, May 28, 2018

    sometimes i forget the magic tricks 

    that got me here

    that make me me

    that make me better than the others

    that make me sparkle a little on the lineup

    and one of those things is


    what happens is i get hella impatient and assume that just because one plus one is working out, that two plus two should be right in the pocket too

    but they are mutually exclusive.

    and constantly changing. see it’s not even 2 plus 2 any more it’s 3 times ten.

    everythings constantly moving and spinning and growing and mutating. youre old enough to know that curveballs not gonna hit you.

    and if it does youve got a helmet on.

    walked through DTLA tonight alone, eating from a bag of funyuns feeling good.

    maybe a little too good.

  8. Monday, May 14, 2018

    i think i know what movie i wanna make 

    oscar levant was a concert pianist who was so beloved at one point he was the highest paid pianist in the world

    he was also so funny and smart that he he wrote books and was a regular guest on all the talk shows and game shows of the time.


    he had incredibly low self esteem.

    George Gershwin, who was writing music at that time, said Oscar, I love you, please be my friend.

    so they became friends and any time Gershwin wrote something new and handed it to Oscar

    Oscar would play it in a more beautiful way than George ever imagined.

    but still Oscar thought George was full of shit whenever he praised him.

    im not very good, he thought to himself.

    in fact im close to terrible.

    so he got involved with drugs. bad drugs. the baddest drug of them all: heroin.

    but it was codenamed Demerol.

    and it ate at his beautiful brain.

    all of his celebrity friends marveled at him, his sense of humor, his quick wit, his vocabulary and his neurosis

    but they always assumed his instability was either a complicated put on

    or something that he could keep in check.

    he couldn’t.

    he was assigned to one mental institute after another. until he finally died in one.


    and alone.

    i think Jonah Hill would be perfect.

    but maybe John Legend would be more perfect because it would be cool to have the piano playing be real and believable.


  9. Monday, April 2, 2018

    fuck what people think 

    50 years ago today Stanley Kubrick’s classic “2001: A Space Odyssey” debuted in Washington DC to mixed reviews, mostly negative ones.

    A few days later at its New York premiere, people booed and walked out.

    “It lacks dramatic appeal to a large degree and only conveys suspense after the halfway mark…. The plot, so-called, uses up almost two hours in exposition of scientific advances in space travel and communications, before anything happens, [including] the surprisingly dull prolog… Film ends on a confused note, never really tackling the ‘other life’ situation and evidently leaving interpretation up to the individual viewer. To many this will smack of indecision or hasty scripting.”  – Variety

    “A small sphere of intellectuals will feel that Kubrick has said something, simply because one expected him to say something.” – NY Daily News

    “It is phony on many points, even for specialists. For a true work of art, the fake must be eliminated.” – Andrei Tarkovsky

    We are here for a heartbeat. We are iPhones with no battery charger. When we die the poor will ravish us for our copper.

    So while we are here we can sit around like a dolt taking orders from this one or that one

    Or we can rock.

    You don’t need confidence, you don’t need talent, you don’t need courage. For even a dog when he sees a cat knows to run after it at high speeds.

    Life is the cat.

    Run after it.

    At high speeds.

    Kubrick had a vision. He worked with the author Arthur C. Clarke. He built props and stages. He never used many of them. He had a vision. Were people who weren’t Stanley Kubrick in his ear telling him that he was spending too much money or that the script was lacking or the music was wrong or there weren’t any stars in the film?

    Were people saying, why is half of this space movie about prehistoric monkeys who don’t say any words?

    Probably. But because Stanley Kubrick was a dog he ran after what he was supposed to run after and we are all luckier because of it.

    And for damn sure we should celebrate that some jackhole didn’t tie him to some tree in the backyard.

    Live your life. Make your art. Make it weird and beautiful and unlike anything that anyone has ever seen.

    Those of you who make art, that is actually your job.

    Don’t be a thief. Be you. Be the most you you can be and if people don’t like it, good. People didn’t like the Velvet Underground or Van Gogh or GG Allin or The Replacements or Tsar or even Pinkerton when it came out.

    But people sure loved Milli Vanilli. A whole bunch of them voted to give Milli Vanilli a Grammy. Where is the list of those geniuses?

    Make art, not friends.

    Make the artiest art you can art. If people say peeee-youuuu, kiss them on the cheek because I bet you those people are not Lou Reed and you need to give those people the kiss of death.

    50 years after you have made your art, no one is going to say “Yes but I wonder what Kathy Lee and Hoda thought about it.”

    They’re gonna say, Tony Pierce made that and I loved it.

    And I love it even more now.

    Now go catch that fucking cat.

  10. Sunday, March 11, 2018

    daylights savings fucked me up today 

    both my tax lady and i canceled on each other

    couldnt sleep.

    felt like a batter who just couldnt get around on it.

    but then i saw on twitter that tiger woods was trending.

    dudes back.

    second to last hole he needed to gain some ground on the leader

    he smacks this huge driver.

    then gets on the green from 220.

    and somehow sinks a 19 foot putt uphill with a curve.

    this weekend wrinkle in time was #2 in the box office behind black panther

    it’s the first time two black directors were 1-2 in the box office in the usa

    im starting to think we can do anything.