nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, December 4, 2017

    sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen 

    today i couldnt sit still. today i couldnt lay down. today i couldnt walk far. today i sneezed and coughed and puked.

    i am the most sensitive poet youve ever seen. i am such a drama queen.

    if you prick me i will never let you forget it.

    i bled today. a vacuum cleaner arrived at my doorstep and i tried to open it with scissors

    and i pulled it all toward me and


    the cats scattered.

    i coughed and sneezed and bled and wheezed

    yet for some reason the pretty girl in a skin tight captain america shirt

    and booty shorts said, wanna find the f blanket?

    theres this blanket that i wanna write a screenplay about

    we put it down over the comforter on special occasions.

    the movie i wanna make about it will be a short.

    no words, just animation,

    how the f blanket first gets used,

    then the two giggle as they lay it down the next day and next day.

    after a while its there all the time.

    then week after week it falls off the bed, then under the bed.

    one day the boy puts it on the bed and the girl gets a twinkle in her eye

    but he lays one of the cats on it and clips its toenails.

    then falls asleep.

    eventually the blanket goes into the closet.

    and accidentally catches fire, burning down the house.

    only the cats survive.

    all that scatter practice.

  2. Thursday, November 23, 2017

    happy thanksgiving to you and yours 

    for the last several dozen decades i have looked at things that i am thankful for as things pertaining to *me*

    things like job, cars, health, the cubs, are any hot babes loving me, all the things

    but this morning i got a text from my mom and it nearly broke my heart.

    she was happy to have a job but she didn’t want to have to go to work, she wanted to be cooking and watching football and doting on her grand kids.

    but during the Great GOP Recession, just like tons of people, her retirement was wiped out and here she is working for The Man for peanuts on a day she would rather be watching the Macy’s Parade.

    so i am not thankful. i am determined. i need to do something serious so my mom can finally retire.

    and sadly it’s not drive more trips for Uber + Lyft.

    or is it?

    no, it’s not.

    OR IS IT?

    i need to write a script and sell it.

    i gotta learn how to write a script.

    and i know exactly the story i wanna tell: the time Joe got busted in Isla Vista

    music by The Wonderfuls, The Ramones, Rogue Cheddar, Pink Floyd, Mons Pubis, PMS, and Janes Addiction.

    it’ll be called Damn Those Shrooms Strong

  3. Monday, July 24, 2017

    saw a good movie: ‘From The Land Of The Moon’ 

    first the plan was dunkirk but dunkirk was sold out, so we didnt see nothin

    next day amber’s all, lets see ‘From The Land Of The Moon’

    marion cotillard. free at the academy sunday afternoon.

    but for some reason i wanted to see dunkirk even though it was getting mixed reviews.

    problem is im cheap and the ONLY way anyone was recommending seeing dunkirk was in IMax 70MM

    high on cocaine 3D where the chairs move and every 20 minutes ushers douse you with ketchup.

    half hour before the cotillard’s french flick started amber goes,

    lets see if we can get to the academy in time and if we do then great.

    we got there 5 minutes late but still went in.

    sucked me in immediately because shes crazy and who doesnt love crazy french women.

    very french, very romantico in a Bell Jar way if the dude in the Bell Jar was a handsome man from Spain

    super glad i saw it because these are the types of films i used to see with Michele and i miss that.

    also glad because it was good and we should champion good movies.

    not just spectacles.

  4. Monday, July 10, 2017

    the lights dimmed, we were at the movies: A Ghost Story 

    little known fact: theres very little that can scare me


    as a born again Christian, I don’t believe in ghosts

    but the stories freak me out.

    suddenly i wondered what the hell am i doing at a movie called Ghost Story?

    what if it’s super scary.

    what if the hot babe sitting next to me loses all respect for me if i shriek?

    how did i end up here?

    it was cool in the theater, which was refreshing. i dont have AC in my APT

    she had a short tight dress on. i put my hand on her leg, smooth from a recent shave

    smoother still thanks to lotion.

    girls are magic.

    the movie was weird.

  5. Monday, June 26, 2017

    such a full weekend omg 

    ubes had a promotion that i thought i could pull off: 15 rides for $80, so i did 5 on Friday after work, which wasn’t so tough because i was able to start at 1:30pm because they gave us a half day

    which meant i had to do 10 on Saturday, which i figured i could do if i started before noon. but who really starts before noon when theres a long legged blonde walking around your bachelor pad?

    got out at noon. and murphys law every ride was long except one. which i was fine with because the long rides are more money and the name of the game is money so fuckit. after about 6 hours i had my 10 rides


    i had not accepted some so i had to get my acceptance rate up by doing MORE rides but luckily those were around Hollywood. and i was home before the sun went down and i had all that money (about $115, plus the $80 bonus), so i would say it was a successful Saturday.

    and i learned a valuable lesson: a day of uber x rides, if you can get the multipliers working for you, are just as profitable as the 3-4 Select rides that rarely turn out to be long hauls. and i am soooo much happier when i am busy. the people are always great. they love me and i love them right back. two people asked for my card because they wanna be friends and i was all ooooooh, im a terrible friend, but whatever.

    last night amber and i saw Baby Driver and it was fantastic. ed wright is a genius. and now hes great at car chases too. who knew.

    tomorrow AJ and i are seeing Roger Waters at Staples and it should be a spectacle.

    today though i am getting reviewed at work.

    i never do well in work reviews.

    people who have to see me every day, i think i wear on them. i think im too much.

    i try so hard though.

    i wish people knew.

    and i was so great oscars night.

    cross your fingers.

  6. Thursday, June 15, 2017
  7. Friday, April 14, 2017

    my problem is i want to do everything 

    for example kirsten dunst is one of my favorite actresses and sofia coppola is one of my favorite directors and i love marie antoinette

    but last night for some reason i was fact checking it and trying to determine if she really did say “let them eat cake” or not and the more i learned about the Last Queen of France the more i realized coppola’s movie didn’t really tell us the whole thing.

    for starters, marie was 14 when she got hitched to the Heir Apparent of France


    you can’t cast 30something kirsten dunst in a movie about a 14 year old.

    also, in the coppola movie we are led to believe that her 15 yr old hubby is gay or something and thats why he doesnt wanna have sex with her.

    but according to the internet, he had some weird disease that prevented him from getting erect. so he probably shied away from activity where he would have to reveal his mighty sword.

    legend has it that her mom summoned her older brother to move to France to coach the young pair about the ways of being in a loving relationship and voila a year later marie was knocked up. everyone praises her brother for setting the two straight. but in truth it was a medicinal cure that allowed the future king to become the man everyone hoped he would be.

    but that medicine also made him very sleepy at night, which is when marie would sneak off and party into dawn – or noon depending on how good the soiree was.

    am i crazy to think that these are facts that would make for a better film? and what about her trial, the one that led her to get her head cut off. the trial where she was falsely accused of having incest? shouldn’t that have been a huge part of the movie? do i have to do everything? do i have to find a 14 year old actress (or a young looking 16 year old) to play the role?

    then what am i supposed to do about the bible? can i really turn it all into Black Mirror episodes? i havent read any of the books about screenwriting yet. how am i supposed to be a screenwriter unless i learn?

    all im gonna be is an uber driver, lets face it. it’s the one thing im actually good at.

    and theres no shame in that, not everyones good at even that. my coworker said her driver dozed off for a brief second at a stop light.

    id never do that. nor have i. its why God created classic Coke.

    but what if i doze off before i fix cinema?

    then what?

  8. Wednesday, February 22, 2017

    pretty girl came over with a screener of Loving 

    it’s surprising how quickly i can clean up my house when the price is right

    she said she had some lobsters. i said i have some mashed potatoes, broccoli and carrots.

    i didnt tell her that the potatoes were pre mashed and the veggies you can nuke in the bag.

    when she came over she saw a huge Groupon box that was just delivered.

    whats that she asked?

    not sure, i said, nervous that it might be some inappropriateness that i’d bought for another.

    she said arent you gonna open it?

    i said, it wouldnt be a surprise if i open it.

    the food got made fast, we sat on my couch. the cats behaved.

    finally she said, are you seriously not going to open the box?

    the movie was boring.

    so i said, fine. but you have to know, sometimes i order things as gifts for people

    and they’re completely jokes.

    uh huh, she said and retrieved a pair of scissors from my wall.

    i hang scissors on my wall, ok?

    opened the box and it was this Egg Cooker where you can hard boil up to 7 eggs at one time.

    i was relieved.

    she said, im stuffed but maybe we should see if this works.

    it worked.

    we sprinkled some salt on the eggs, ate them, and i said, i fucking love eggs

    she said me too and took off her sweater.

  9. Tuesday, February 21, 2017

    me and aj met in santa monica to see moonlight 

    aj in collegethis is the Oscar home stretch so i have to see all the rest of the Best Picture films before Sunday

    so when AJ was all, lets go, tonight! i was all f yes!

    i have this Uber subscription that gives me 20 rides all around LA for $4. even though i knew i wasnt gonna get drunk and even though it was President’s Day, who doesn’t like getting a ride for $4 across town?

    we met at The Landmark on Pico which has very fancy theaters.

    i was starving but i got there early so i walked through my new favorite store, Nordstrom, and on to the Food Court.

    it was empty in the Westside Pavillion. Super empty. Sad empty. People were cleaning things that were already clean.

    Ordered some food at the Panda Express. They never have panda. Weird.

    Walked back and AJ arrived. We got a Mexicoke and a popcorn and the film began.

    Soooo many black people in the film. When was the last time you saw something like that? And a story told very slowly. Also good. But in the end I was all, what happened? Did anything really happen? And what was i supposed to learn from it? Stay in school, don’t do drugs?

    I couldn’t understand why this is getting so much Oscar buzz. Same with La La Land. But that’s me, Mr. Critical. Mr. Meh. Ashley so many years ago was right, I cannot be pleased.

    But what was pleasing was AJ and I walked around West LA. Just walking and talking. Catching up. We tried to eat at Islands but they were closing and didn’t like the looks of us. I tried to eat at Jack in the Box but AJ was all, come on Tone. So we settled for a donut or two at this Donut store.

    We walked more, talked more on the quiet streets. It was very nice. Very. Sometimes friends youve known for a long time are better than Oscar nominated films.

    Sometimes always.

  10. Monday, December 5, 2016

    saw two big time movies this weekend 



    Denzel was fine, but whatever. He shouldn’t be directing himself. He needed more emotion instead of memorization of August Wilsons fantastic words.

    Viola was fantastic though. And great ending.


    Natalie Portman was pretty, but did Jackie O really sound like that? It seemed like she was doing a Marilyn Monroe imitation.

    It had no Act 3.