nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, January 29, 2016

    saw the Martian on weds and the Revenant last night 

    revenantthe Martian was pretty good. actually really good and im very happy that i saw it before i saw The Revenant because omg

    Chibo and Inuerudo and Leo

    and mother nature

    and Tom Hardy

    and that rapey bear

    and wow wow wow

    i was totally blown away.

    i had heard mixed reviews so my expectations were low. which is a great place to be. but through lots of it my mouth was wide open

    like wow look how pretty things are and woah whats happening is he gonna die? mama mia.

    but when i got into work today some of the people were like me: give them all the oscars

    and others were like the critics: meh

    and i was like, were you in the same theater as i was? but they were. which shows to go ya: you cant please everyone.

    speaking of, my laptop is on its last legs, so if i dont busblog this weekend dont fret, im alive, im just trying to figure out how to fix that bad boy.

  2. Tuesday, January 19, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do. 


    i also love movies. and music. and sitting all weekend in my bed doing jack.

    but starting next week imma catch up on all the Oscar nominated films that i havent seen yet.

    heres my gameplan

    tuesday – Room

    wednesday – The Martian

    thursday – The Revenant

    friday – Trumbo

    saturday – The Big Short (in the day)
    saturday – nominated Animated Shorts (at night)

    wish me luck

  3. Sunday, December 20, 2015

    the new star wars movie is just meh and everyone knows it 

    image3 which is so disappointing because they knew everyone was gonna go. they knew the kids needed something to have them believe in magic. they knew everyone is still alive and wondering what this guy JJ can do with blacks and women and other minorities and all this new technology and dudamel and social media and ATMOS and seats that shake and gay marriage and obamacare and bath salts and a chicago cubs team thats image4poised for a dynasty.

    so what did the new star wars give us?

    it’s easier to list what it didnt give us



    a super evil villian

    an super cool story

    plot twists


    a great new soundtrack

    a deep subplot about good v evil or racism or sexism or how no matter what edge of the galaxy we are all from, deep down we’re all the same. but no, they played it safe. they figured we got a whole bunch more of these puppies lets keep the gravy train rolling. lets not upset the apple cart. let’s not create a disturbance in the Force.

    i hate when things are played safely. nothing great comes from mediocracy. plus it’s a terrible example for the kids. the kids need to know that the reason why music sucks today is because it’s so tame and uncreative. that it neither celebrates the mastery of an instrument or any real knowledge of the technology.

    same can be said for The Force Awakens.

    fortunately i only spent $6.50 because The Vista is incredible, and i didn’t have to wait out in the rain or cold like so many other true fans did.

    was there anything i loved? the desire of the audience to cheer at any uplifting moment.

    bless their hearts.


  4. Monday, December 7, 2015

    quentin tarantino is my favorite director 

    the hateful eight

    so of course i went to the academy screening of his new film.

    unfortunately i had so many high expectations and only a few were realized.

    its a three hour movie which is ok in the daytime but this one started at 7:30pm

    and because im an olde man i was very worried id fall asleep in my chair.

    but fortunately that didnt happen because this is a very subtle movie in parts (and not at all in others)

    id give it a solid B because Sam Jackson and JJL give spectacular, nomination worthy, performances

    and the others in the ensemble are very good as well.

    70mm projection, for this, didn’t really sell me on the technology.

    for some reason i thought django was prettier was better to look at.

    afterwards kurt russell, JJL, Sam, QT, the editor, the costume designer and the producer had a panel

    so QT explained how he decided to make this film. he said he watched a lot of TV westerns like Bonanza.

    but it didnt feel like that. it felt like Reservoir Dogs in a cabin. but a little more refined.

    QT deserves a screenwriting nomination as well, but overall, i was slightly disappointed.

    i know, im weird.


  5. Sunday, December 6, 2015

    saw Joy last night 

    jennifer lawrence

    starring jennifer lawrence, robert di nero, and bradley cooper

    the whole time im thinking, “i bet jennifer lawrence would be a cool girlfriend.”

    and then they played this springsteen song

    on the piano.

    just the piano.

    not even the words

    except through your heart.

    and i was all, fuck yeah david o.

  6. Wednesday, November 25, 2015

    i dont think people realize, im very shy 

    the night before

    super true.

    the blogging, the journalisming, the ubering: it’s all ways for me to help me break out of my shell because if i had my way id just move to maui, learn how to mix drinks, and just work at a hotel bar and call it a day.

    why bother with all of this hoo ha?

    but i know that the good lord put me in this place for a reason and it isn’t to take the easy way out and get wrinkly in a tropical paradise and marry a hula girl and be a massive sellout.

    still, it’s a struggle when im at a roulette wheel sipping on my rum n coke and a pretty girl sits a few stools down from me and she smiles. is she a hooker? is she a man? does she have some terrible diseases? does she think i have a wallet full of cash?

    one guy after another sits by her and loses in one way after another and finally after they leave she scootches over to me.

    i like your system she says. shes been watching. of course she has. it’s so simple. bet one chip on black. if you lose, bet two on black. if you lose again bet four on black. if you lose again bet eight on black. eventually it’s gonna be black and when it does, take the winnings and bet one on black again.

    the night beforemeanwhile the rum n cokes keep coming and either the frat boys win big and leave with the girl or they lose and try to woo her anyways but, come on. yr a loser. and just look at her.

    she starts betting along with me. one on black. two on black. four on black, drink.

    she asks me where im from. i tip my cubs hat. she looks confused. i say the c is for canada.

    i think shes from japan, but her english is better than mine. id ask her, but im very shy and i dont wanna be racist. she has sparkly jewelry. i expect her big strong husband to arrive any minute but no one ever comes.

    she says, wanna get out of here?

    i say, whats better than this? free drinks, we’ve hit black like five times in a row, and theres a pretty girl who keeps bumping her knee against mine.

    she apologizes. more drinks come. i tip the waitress for both of ours. she was doing wine, now shes on to cosmos. if i wanted to get drunk id have ordered some shots for us but im still not entirely sure shes not a man.

    after a while she says, if you could do anything right now, what would it be?

    i say, what, it’s like 7pm? vegas. prettiest girl in this whole casino? tony pierce, fresh from canada with like 5-6 drinks in him? well, id see the new seth rogen movie.

    she says what movie is that?

    i say, “the night before.”

    she says the night before what?

    i say, i think its the night before Christmas. i think it’s a Christmas movie for adults.

    and she says, id love to see a Christmas movie for adults.

    and she did for about a half hour, and then she fell asleep on my shoulder.

    was probably a man.

  7. Tuesday, November 17, 2015

    the jingle jangle of a thousand lost souls 

    rev james brown

    last night i had a very pretty young lady over my house. how does this keep happening!?

    first she tried to woo me over to her house by claiming there was a jack in the box nearby. good try!

    but i countered by saying that i wanted to watch my favorite film of all time, The Blues Brothers at my crib.

    she said k, which is french for “i will leave my underwear at home.”

    so i picked her up, we drove over to my house and as we parked an Adam & the Ants tune came on and i told her about the time I met Adam while i was pumping gas in Century City back in the day. when it was over she asked omg how old are you?

    note to self: never tell a beautiful young lady that you met an ’80s star in the ’80s.

    we got to my house and did what a man and woman should do on a windy school night and when that was over i turned on my xBox and purchased the HD version of the blues brothers because – as mickey roarke said in Barfly “it’s just easier this way.”

    i could not sit down. the blues brothers does something to me. it fills me with the spirit. she had never seen the film before and i wondered what she thought when the Rev. Cleophus Brown (played perfectly by James Brown) delivered his sermon:

    And now, people… And now, people… When I woke up this mornin’, I heard a distubin’ sound. I said When I woke up this mornin’, I heard a disturbin’ sound! What I heard was the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls! I’m talkin’ ’bout the souls of mortal men and women, departed from this life. Wait a minute! Those lost angry souls roamin’ unseen on the earth, seekin’ to find life they’ll not find, because it’s too late! Tooooo late, yeah! Too late for they’ll never see again the life they choose not to follow. Alright! Alright! Don’t be lost when your time comes! For the day of the Lord cometh as a thief in the night!

    when i turned around she was fast asleep.

    she had a smile on her face, but she was out.

    so i turned off the movie and since the xBox was on i dialed up NBA Jam and made the Beastie Boys play President and Hillary Clinton.

    i have the most fascinating life.

  8. Monday, November 16, 2015

    last night i saw “Spotlight” 

    Spotlight the Movie

    i was underwhelmed.

    it had gotten some good reviews. there were a few good performances.

    mark ruffalo was fantastic.

    the dude from Mad Men made me miss Mad Men.

    other than that there werent that many surprises because we all know what happened.

    i didnt think it was shot with much artistry.

    i may be its only current critic as it’s getting a whopping 98% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes

    id give it a b- or c+

    but the one really good thing about it is it shows how important long form investigative journalism is.

    newspapers continue to struggle, so i would be interested to see if television news rooms will pick up the slack and start delivering the type of scoops that newspapers have given us over the years.

    i hope so

  9. Sunday, November 15, 2015

    spike accepts his oscar and does the right thing 

    spike lee, wesley snipes, samuel jackson, denzel washington

    Brooklyn in the house! Last night the trailblazing director Spike Lee received an Honorary Academy Award for his unique and creative career which told a story about a vitally important part of the United States that very few before him showed on screen.

    At 17 minutes there’s a lot going on in here: how Spike got his first camera, what he did with it, how he was getting Ds in school before film found him and then his grades turned around, how important historically black colleges and education was/is to him and his family, how he changed the Teamsters, the importance of the selflessness of his grandmother, and current experiences with “diversity”.

    Then he looked Hollywood in the eye and spoke truth to power – something so few people do when they’re given the opportunity. Spike said, “this industry is so behind sports, it’s ridiculous. It’s easier to be president of the united states as a black person, than be the head of a studio… or head of a network.”

    Spike was wearing a special edition Jordan 6 air jordans which he told me were specially made just for him. “One of one” he said. “The Oscar Edition.”

    That too is mentioned early on. I think he was equally proud of those.

    Yes it’s the shoes, Mookie! The shooooooes!

    Many more videos and photos from the night are here

  10. Monday, November 9, 2015

    i’m not getting old but my back sure is 

    back exercises

    got one of those two way cameras for my uber so i can video the crazy ppl in the back seat and the crazier ones driving ahead of me.

    one of the things i had to do was hide the wires in the windshield and down along the door. i did this while i was at the Coin Laundry because im a multi tasking FOOL

    unfortunately when i was bending in the passenger side my back was all, yeah no. from time to time it tried to go out on me but i usually catch it. this time it tweaked and i had to get on my knees so as to not agitate it. its quite a look in a ghetto parking lot, lemme tell you.

    the xbi texted me “agent are you down?” i was all I DONT WORK FOR YOU! they were all, “we can send help, whats the problem?”

    for all i know theyre doing something to me so they can fix it and then i’ll magically love them forever. FAT CHANCE.

    the only people i love forever is my momma and the Cubs. maybe AC/DC. and the Nexus, who printed my FU UCSB Students Get It Together post this weekend.

    what was i yakking about? who knows. saw the first 10 minutes of the new james bond flick. why just the first 10 minutes?

    i was with a pretty girl. surprise! actually theres nothing but pretty girls in LA. and we were about to head into the theater and i said, look i know its not cool to say this but got damn girl you are looking incredible, can i just see whats doin? and she spun around for me real quick and i let it all soak in and hubba hubba.

    and she said, hey can we sit on the aisle so if i have to pee or if it sucks we can just, you know, leave.

    i said fine as you is, we can do whatever.

    so the movie starts and its incredible. james bond is shooting fools, hopping in a helicopter, fighting both the pilot and this other guy and below are all these mexicans in day of the dead makeup. its quite a scene. and one thing leads to another and BAM! then the opening credits. then 007 gets yelled at by his boss. JUST LIKE HOW THE XBI DOES ME. and i feel this tap on my shoulder and she says “ok lets split.” and i say now? it was 11 minutes into the film. and she winks at me.

    so we split. she says im hungry. i say ok. she says, lets go to mcdonalds. i say you know me so well. but i say, you’re a skinny little white girl, what do you eat at mcdonalds? she says “the ice cream cone.”

    and america, she ate that ice cream cone right in front of me.

    fixed my dumb back, thats for sure.