why life isnt fair

in the world of youtube 3.3 million views on a video is a smashing success

and even though this one has that many, i still feel like it should have ten times as much

because not only is it an outrageously great tale

but it’s told well, unexpected things happen,

and it lets us peer into a world i, for one, never imagined existed.

ninja from die antwoord is a national treasure. when his group debuted in LA in 2010, even solid journalists like the LA Times’ Chris Lee wasn’t sure if it was a joke or not. turned out it was so seriously great it had no peers.

a couple years later Ninja’s video vision became fully realized in Baby’s On Fire and it catapulted their career

that video has over 220 million views.

which makes me wonder why the top video of Ninja talking about hanging out with Kanye West and Drake can only pull in a fraction of that.

is it appeal of Yo-Landi? is it that great beat? the funny narrative?

these are the things i think about sitting on my couch waiting to be called up to the pros: why are some great videos only worthy of 3 million views, and why do others get 222 million.

which always gets me back to the most pressing one:

How can MTV continue to avoid music videos when they perform sooooo well on YouTube. clearly there’s an audience. why not return to your roots?

if i wasnt so lazy

If I wasn’t so lazy,
I would start a GoFundMe to buy Fox News
I’d change the name and play music videos on it all day
hosted by VJs.
There would be a daily dance show,
one about Hip Hop,
cartoons and a game show called Remote Control.
On Fridays there would be concerts.
First a half hour by a small band
then a half hour by a medium sized band
then an hour from a giant band.
On Saturdays at midnight there would be a midnight movie.
There’d be news but it would be about music.
I’ll need about $5 billion, it seems.

kanye is right about beyonce


shes everything. and mtv knows it and tidal knows it and even jay-z is starting to figure it out.

but here’s my problem with viacom. if you go to the MTV.com page of the VMA video clips

and you click the Beyonce video of her performance from Sunday night

a night that was tape delayed to the West for no good reason at all,

they provide you with an embed code so you can share the video on your busblog.

but when you use the code Viacom

for no good reason at all

blocks the video from being able to be played on your busblog.

several things happen when you do things like this, Viacom

the first is we continue in thinking that you dont know how to Internet.

the Internet is a Web. it’s many sites all sharing in information and linking to each other so as to spread the message.

the message on Sunday was MTV had many of the top female solo acts on one stage

(except for Adele, Kesha, Taylor Swift, Regina Spektor, PJ Harvey, and Banks)

the best way for that message to get spread is via social media, which blogging is still part of.

so when you provide a code to embed the video but then block it you seem bipolar and ridiculous.

sorta like when you stop showing videos on your music video network

but then go right ahead and continue to have music video awards each fall like nothing has changed.

the second thing we assume is you hate us. you dont want us to see Beyonce’s amazing performance.

we think that because, like was mentioned earlier, you tape delayed a Sunday “live” show to the West

and you make it hard for us to see today’s most fascinating and talented performers do her thing.

it give us the idea, Viacom, that you dont care about art or music, all you care about is beans.

the type you want to count. but you forget that the more beans you put out there

the more will be seen, and the more you can count.

but the worst thing you have done is you have played yourself.

and you have given an excuse to pirates to steal the signal that you have failed at protecting.

“stealing” a video transmission is easier today than ever before.

you are building a wall across the border but it is porous and ridiculous.

which makes you ridiculous.

and poor us, you are poor er.

we will see the video.

the mountain will move.

you will die.

and fail to reach paradise.

because what Saint will let you in to Heaven

after it is discovered that for a living you tried to block Queen Bey from her fans?

i pity you.

i pray for you.

you need to repent.

how mtv can stop losing viewers during the vmas

whywhen i was in junior college selling televisions on commission they turned a hard job into a very hard job by making us sell extended warrantees on everything.

it was tough enough to get people to give you their money for a big box of electronics, but then you had to shake them down for even more money for a big box of air.

the best technique i learned was to make the warrantee part of the package. and you had to talk about it early and often as part of the pitch.

the worst thing you could do is pitch the item, demonstrate, close AND THEN start talking about the warrantee.

but thats exactly what MTV is doing when they pitch and sell reality tv and mindless candid camera shows

and then all of a sudden once a year try to get everyone to buy the idea that Music Videos is something of importance to the channel.

hell, pop culture isnt even of importance to the channel any more.

they dont have a news program on that station any more. they dont have a talk show. when do they ever really truly talk about all the stupid things of the day (kardashians, trump, taylor swift’s squad, hover boards, emojis): NEVER

but then every fall they coerce a handful of pop stars to show up at some stupid arena, round up some new talent, a couple of movie and tv stars, and pretend that MTV is still important?

basically ALL they’re selling at the VMAs is the warrantee. its vaporware. its bread and circus.

video of the year goes to who the fuck does it matter

at least this year mtv kept it somewhat real and gave away a majority of the awards during the pre-show when no one was watching and left the real show for what people nowadays care about: performances and entertainment.

if MTV wants the VMAs to be relevant again they’re going to have to make some serious changes.

firstly theyre gonna have to start showing some damn videos. which will be tough because MTV seems to fucking hate videos.

protect mesome people hate success, and MTV will do anything they can NOT to show the world images of Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Beyonce, Nikki Minaj, Selena Gomez and all the rest. which is insane because the kids love these people and are FORCED to go to youtube to watch them.

you’re telling me kids seriously would rather see these videos on their stupid tablets than on $400 50″ tvs?

how about this MTV: give away two tvs every day for a year if you want to start some hype. YOU CANT SPELL MTV WITHOUT TV, DUMMIES!

the next thing they gotta do is get a tv show. i couldnt stand TRL but it served a purpose: it helped establish the channel as the center of pop culture. are you telling me theres no value in that?

it doesnt need to cost a fortune. it doesnt need to be on the beach or in times square. just have cool kids talking to other cool kids about snapchat and minecraft and get out of your own way.

go back to the programming that made you great. so what that things changed so many years ago. theres no way it was worse than today. today the station is an absolute joke. it’s like what would have happened if Tipper Gore had taken it over.

Straight Outta Compton has been the #1 movie for the last three weeks. where is MTV jumping on that bandwagon? have they forgotten that the first time America ever saw Dre and Eazy and Ice Cube was on MTV? Express Yourself! Yo MTV Raps!

and now they’re not going to reap some of those rewards? WTF MTV?

the surprise musical guests of this years VMAs should have been N.W.A kicking off the whole damn thing. THEN people would have been talking about something more interesting than that fake beef between miley and nicki. shit, they could have done a live remote FROM compton if they gave a shit about ratings but they hate ratings

and ratings hate them now which is why theyre in the gutter.

start by playing kendrick lamar.

also if nicki minaj wants to fight Anybody, pick her up, carry her to said person, and let them brawl.

two years ago today robin thicke peaked and fell in the same night



the singer’s “blurred lines” video and single were top of the charts

it was produced by the red hot pharrell and his video featured the impossibly sexy emily ratajkowski,

it was cool, it was fun, and perfectly coifed robin thicke stood there as

the models strutted around him and pharrell counted the money.

and there he was center stage at the mtv vmas as miley cyrus finished singing her tune

all about she could do what ever she wanted

we run things, things dont run we

billy ray’s daughter then stripped off her clothes revealing a nude two piece number

and the pair traded lines on blurred lines, namely

i know you want it.

robin thicke mileywhile miley touched the Beetle Juice dressed thicke’s nether regions

with an oversized foam finger

and then bent over in front of him for about one second

and minds blew around the world.

and when it was over he smiled all the way to the backstage,

changed clothes

and then posed with a young lady

and just his luck there was a mirror behind them.

reflecting her behind, which was being assisted by his giant paw

sorry, giant married paw.

and just his luck the young lady posted the photo on instagram, she says unaware of anything more than her face and his face, never noticing the wander hand.

and then it all fell apart. just that quickly it was over. no one wanted to hear the overplayed song any more. everyone felt skeezy dancing to it. no one wanted to support a handsome pop singer doing what handsome pop singers do when they run across pretty girls backstage.

thicke apologized so much to his wife he even wrote an apology album and named it after her but that didnt work because sometimes the game is over and it doesnt matter how many times you say Beetlejuice nothings gonna change.

and then he got sued by Marvin Gaye’s estate for ripping off the late soul singer without crediting him and thicke lost millions.

the end

stay in school, dont do drugs

dont drink and text and drive

and keep your hands to yrself

my poor momma is distraught about miley

and i was trying to explain to her that the mtv video music awards is great because its shocking

i reminded her that madonna really catapulted her career when she dry humped her wedding dress at the vmas

and then later kissed both britney and xtina while wearing a tuxedo

therefore miley is just an extension of that.

one of the most shocking (at the time) moments though had nothing to do with sex, but with politics

mcawhen in 1998 mca of the beastie boys, three years before 9/11 criticized then-president Clinton that his retaliation to the US embassy bombings was a bad call.

“Those bombings that took place in the Middle East were thought of as retaliation by the terrorists and if we thought of what we did as retaliation certainly we’re gonna find more retaliation from people in the Middle East. From terrorists specifically I should say, because most Middle Eastern people are not terrorists,” Yauch said.

And then he brought it home by warning against Islamophobia: “That’s another thing that America really needs to think about is our racism, racism that comes from the United States towards the Muslim people and towards Arabic people and that’s something that has to stop and the United States has to start respecting people from the Middle East in order to find a solution to the problems that have been building up over many years, so I thank everyone for your patience, and letting me speak my mind.”

the three bad brothers you know so well always knew how to shock in different ways, true.

but when they were miley’s age they were bragging about doing it like this, doing it like that

and doing it with…

which is why i am totally fine with letting 20-year-olds be 20-year-olds,

especially on my MTV

Lolito, hold me kiss me

sometimes i wonder about MTV

sometimes i wonder if they ever remember that they used to be the most influential television station in the world

they basically set the playlists for top 40 and alternative radio stations everywhere

they made bands and broke bands.

they set the tone for style, language, and culture for young people for decades.

and instead of figuring out a way to monetize that unbelievable amount of power,

they decided to take the road most traveled and simply go for the lowest common denominator:

highest ratings at smallest cost.

but tell me, how much does it cost to play videos the music industry funded?

lord knows the VJs werent getting paid, except maybe seacrest, i mean carson daly.

those sets couldnt have cost very much, and yet they swore that people

werent dialing up their channel for music programming any more.

when I was at E! i kept thinking, wow these people are paying all this money on shows like true hollywood stories

and it seems so simple: show music videos by interesting bands and then talk to them.

if MTV doesnt want all that free money access and power by being teenagers’ lifeblood

then you be that person and accept all of the ads from companies who want to reach that demo.

if i was running MTV right now id sneak this video from the french band Lolito when no one was noticing.

i nearly died 4-5 times last year


one of these days it’ll happen. so lets be prepared.

on the day of my funeral

1. i want my corpse to be driven around that square in North Korea

2. i would like madonna and britney and xtina to kiss each other again on mtv

3. i would not like any flags flown at half mast, but thank you.

4. if you loved me, id like you to go into a drive thru, order something good, and pour a little classic Coke out for the brotha who aint here.

5. in lieu of flowers please send donations to the Hollywood Free Clinic, the College of Creative Studies at UCSB, and Wikipedia, even though they deleted me because im a blogger.

6. but most of all i want peace and love for this world that limo ride in North Korea.

h/t eject

people have stopped saying white boys cant rap

i think thats nice.

i also think its nice when a young man decides to make flapjacks

while he delivers his disses to chris brown to the camera.

if only mtv decided to broadcast music videos, whoever this dude is,

who already has 8 million views on this tune thats only been up two weeks

would be a star.

fortunately mtv is busy showing us reruns of the situation.