how mtv can stop losing viewers during the vmas

whywhen i was in junior college selling televisions on commission they turned a hard job into a very hard job by making us sell extended warrantees on everything.

it was tough enough to get people to give you their money for a big box of electronics, but then you had to shake them down for even more money for a big box of air.

the best technique i learned was to make the warrantee part of the package. and you had to talk about it early and often as part of the pitch.

the worst thing you could do is pitch the item, demonstrate, close AND THEN start talking about the warrantee.

but thats exactly what MTV is doing when they pitch and sell reality tv and mindless candid camera shows

and then all of a sudden once a year try to get everyone to buy the idea that Music Videos is something of importance to the channel.

hell, pop culture isnt even of importance to the channel any more.

they dont have a news program on that station any more. they dont have a talk show. when do they ever really truly talk about all the stupid things of the day (kardashians, trump, taylor swift’s squad, hover boards, emojis): NEVER

but then every fall they coerce a handful of pop stars to show up at some stupid arena, round up some new talent, a couple of movie and tv stars, and pretend that MTV is still important?

basically ALL they’re selling at the VMAs is the warrantee. its vaporware. its bread and circus.

video of the year goes to who the fuck does it matter

at least this year mtv kept it somewhat real and gave away a majority of the awards during the pre-show when no one was watching and left the real show for what people nowadays care about: performances and entertainment.

if MTV wants the VMAs to be relevant again they’re going to have to make some serious changes.

firstly theyre gonna have to start showing some damn videos. which will be tough because MTV seems to fucking hate videos.

protect mesome people hate success, and MTV will do anything they can NOT to show the world images of Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Beyonce, Nikki Minaj, Selena Gomez and all the rest. which is insane because the kids love these people and are FORCED to go to youtube to watch them.

you’re telling me kids seriously would rather see these videos on their stupid tablets than on $400 50″ tvs?

how about this MTV: give away two tvs every day for a year if you want to start some hype. YOU CANT SPELL MTV WITHOUT TV, DUMMIES!

the next thing they gotta do is get a tv show. i couldnt stand TRL but it served a purpose: it helped establish the channel as the center of pop culture. are you telling me theres no value in that?

it doesnt need to cost a fortune. it doesnt need to be on the beach or in times square. just have cool kids talking to other cool kids about snapchat and minecraft and get out of your own way.

go back to the programming that made you great. so what that things changed so many years ago. theres no way it was worse than today. today the station is an absolute joke. it’s like what would have happened if Tipper Gore had taken it over.

Straight Outta Compton has been the #1 movie for the last three weeks. where is MTV jumping on that bandwagon? have they forgotten that the first time America ever saw Dre and Eazy and Ice Cube was on MTV? Express Yourself! Yo MTV Raps!

and now they’re not going to reap some of those rewards? WTF MTV?

the surprise musical guests of this years VMAs should have been N.W.A kicking off the whole damn thing. THEN people would have been talking about something more interesting than that fake beef between miley and nicki. shit, they could have done a live remote FROM compton if they gave a shit about ratings but they hate ratings

and ratings hate them now which is why theyre in the gutter.

start by playing kendrick lamar.

also if nicki minaj wants to fight Anybody, pick her up, carry her to said person, and let them brawl.

todays bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24

bukowski, madonnahad a good hot weekend. it was hot. like hottern itd been all year.

slept over the covers with the windows open and the fan twirling and the cats purring and the moon looking down saying it dont look that hot from up heres

and the earth saying who the hell asked you anyways

friday ali said what are you up to tonight i said imma see a one woman show. she said no way. i said i know i never do that.

she said i wanna come. i said fine meet me at my place and we’ll take a lyft over there. she said not an uber?

i said, its good to keep the competition going.

the show was The Mermaid who learned how to Fly. kyla garcia. she was incredible. did like 20 different characters. two of them were in love with her. so basically she made out with herself twice.

once even as a lady.

it took me a little while to get into it because i dont go to plays. and it was hot. and you have to suspend your belief and just let go. but once you do, it gets fantastic.

so at first i didnt like her irish narrator fairy lady but as the play went on i kept hoping for her to come back, and when she did i was so happy. also of interest was the narrator was sorta falling apart physically as the play went on. bad back. it was funny. kyla was very surprising.

after that ali and i went to malo and ate tacos and drank margueritas. im not crazy about that place but its close and they had an outside so we cooled off.

saturday i ubered a little. hit my goal and then went to the academy to see Straight Outta Compton. it needs to be stated that since that record dropped back when i was in college, NWA and that record have been super important to me.

so to see it for free in the best theater in LA was incredible.

ice cube and the fans

full house. and almost everyone stayed afterwards to hear Ice Cube, his son, the director, a producer, and the dudes who played Dr. Dre and Eazy talk about it.

ive never seen that many people stay.

or cheer so many times at the end.

i give the movie a B+ but i give ice cube an A+ for staying after the talk and taking pictures with everyone who asked. which were hundreds. he didnt care. he soaked it in.

and the movie won the weekend. making something like $60 million. smash hit of the summer. a movie about black gangsta rappers whose music is not played on the radio. and yet one of the rappers turns into a movie star another tuns into a billionaire and a third dies of AIDS. so freaky.

xbi texted me when i was still in the theatre. they wanted a favor i said no. they said order an uber and we can help you out.

tanya and freedai said i didnt need any help. i was happy. i was in great spirits and i wasnt gonna do squat on sunday. they said dont be a dope, order an uber.

and when i did a toyota avalon appeared with this great reggae singer as a driver

and two swedish girls in the back

and the whole trip i thought, theyre gonna kill me, arent they?

this is how it ends?


reggae in swedish probably means good bye i thought but no

id been to sweden and i knew that hej då meant good bye

or did it mean hello?

the girls were just laughing at me.

they kept calling me Chicago.

hey Chicago, why dont you change your clothes and meet us at the Chateau

i said how do you say nothing ever good happens to chicagoans

late at night at the chateau

in swedish

the ever wise ashley rose once told me that im never satisfied

case closed

at the time she was 19 and i was in my 30s and some of my female friends would judgingly ask me

what could you two possibly talk about?

little did they know that we actually talked a lot about everything all the time

possibly because she was eerily insightful, particularly about the things she obsessed about

and for that little stretch of time it was me.

i thought of her last night as i was at the so-called N.W.A reunion

so-called because Dr. Dre chose not to attend

which made it an Ice Cube MC Ren DJ Yella reunion, which is nice but come on.

with Eazy resting in peace you really need Dre there even more and without him there,

well let’s just say that even with incredible seats, i was a pouty little disappointed man.

not even three huge beers helped.


it’s not wrong to want things. or expect what is being advertised.

but of the surviving members of Niggaz Wit Attitudes,

Dr. Dre is just as important as Ice Cube

and the fact that he took what he learned as their DJ and producer

and parlayed that into a legendary solo record and incredible post- NWA producing efforts

makes his fans want him to show up with the ganstas who got him there

that much more.

bus drinking water

his buddy snoop dogg was the opener for Ice Cube and MC Ren and Yella

yes snoop dogg, who probably would NOT be on the stage if it wasnt for Dre

snoop dogg, dre’s sidekick immediately after leaving the worlds most dangerous group

Dre’s “The Chronic” is just as much Snoop’s coming out party as it is Dre’s.

the only person missing was Eminem, and guess what, he doesn’t like to leave the house neither.

so yes i was disappointed

just hours after being hugely satisfied and thrilled about marriage equality becoming law.

it was nice to feel that feeling of satisfaction because it’s nice to know that im capable of it.

but man was it sad to be let down by and decent rap show at the basketball stadium.

Ice Cube


the girls were pretty

and the cookie tasted good.

im seeing N.W.A tonight, snoop dogg and kendrick lamar opening

nothing in here

picked up a pretty girl today while ubering and she wanted to hear hip hop

one thing led to another we start talking about how Ice Cube is headlining the BET Experience tonight

and he’s gonna rock out with DJ Yella and MC Ren

and maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe

Dr. Dre

(a dj on the mic, ask what its like its like we getting hyped tonight)


on one hand its Cube giving it up to the kids who love his music

but also in a month or two theres gonna be an n.w.a movie coming out

the one that suge knight was on the set of

when he got pissed at someone and ran him over with his escalade.

and will probably get life for murder.

so why not celebrate the worlds most dangerous group

in DTLA, killer seats,

on a saturday night in the


states of america


she said im flying to poland and i cant go.

i was all why are you doing that

she said im a model and i hardly ever get to go home.

i said how could i ever thank you

she said get me to the airport as fast as you can so i can get on the plane.

she told me the food in LA is terrible

too salty or two sweet.

i wanted to tell her about soul food, but she was on a roll.


ive seen ice cube once, maybe twice

snoop dogg once

kendrick once

and n.w.a never and i love them and they love you right back

and dr dre better get his black billionaire ass on that stage.

let the hollow points commence to pop pop pop

next month is the 20th anniversary of The Chronic.

even though i felt i had been there forever, 20 years ago i was still new to the xbi

so they sent me to new orleans for some, uh, training.

jeanine and i were super in love so i brought her, against their wishes

but whatevs, everything worked out. and today jeanine reminisced on facebook

I’m finally getting caught up on my LA Weekly reading, re: “The Making of the Chronic” article. Somewhere there exists a VHS tape of me n’ Tony on a Spring Break vay-cay, in the one and only town of Gretna, LA, on our way to the French Quarter, listening to Dr. Dre’s just-released album. During the course of eight days,we had Popeye’s Chicken, tried Hurricanes and muffalettas for the first time, went to that restaurant where they filmed the Folger’s Coffee commercial, ate beignets at Cafe Du Monde, and in the midst of many downright tropical rainstorms, found a killer guitar shop that had a super awesome Herb Ellis ES-165 Gibson, vintage sunburst (I think) that I actually got to play for a while, a la Joe Pass style. Throughout, we agreed that The Chronic was a totally freakin’ awesome album.

today she told me the nicest thing:

we’ve known each other longer than we havent known each other

humble brag: a few years ago Geoff Boucher took me to meet Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine. apparently they had decided that they were going to get into the headphones business. beats by dre or something crazy. they wanted geoff to listen to them. so he brought me.

i got to meet everyone, i listened to the headphones. i handed them over to geoff

and then i took this picture:

proof that real life is often stonier than the green stuff.

sometimes moreso in retrospect.