nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, August 21, 2015

    LA is a city on the planet and the NYT is on it! 

    terrible tweetheres the problem with the New York Times, they have this foolish desire to cover Los Angeles.

    actually that desire isn’t terrible unto it self, but what’s dumb is they take new yorkers and move them to LA and have them write about it AS IF THERE ARE NO ACTUAL LOCALS WHO COULD DO IT BETTER.

    case in point, adam nagourney, who is the NYT’s LA bureau chief, who today blocked me on Twitter (?!) because I called him out on his shitty non-story about some new Sunset Strip hotels and his shittier tweet to hype it (above).

    the thesis of his far-too-long piece is OMG THEY SHUT DOWN THE HOUSE OF BLUES WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE ON THE SUNSET STRIP and guess what, guys, THEYRE BUILDING A LUXURY HOTEL !!!!11!1

    anyone who has lived in LA for more than a handful of years knows that the House of Blues was not a go-to club. it was a place you reluctantly went to because Bad Religion or Social D or GWAR was going to play there. Maybe you’d take some out of towners there to see Steel Panther or the Gospel Brunch.

    on the raaaaare occasion someone actually good would be there, but for the two dozen or so times that I’ve been there my favorite show was probably when Britney Spears did a 15 minute comeback lipsync secret show there billed as the M+Ms.

    at it’s heart, House of Blues was a corporate chain that eventually got bought by the most corporate of all chains, Live Nation, who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing called Ticketmaster.

    dudeONLY the NYT would try to make us shed a tear over a mediocre club owned by Ticketmaster being razed to build a high rise hotel.

    by the way, none of this has to do with The Doors, who played in LOTS of places in LA a half century ago, and yes one of the venues they rocked was The Whiskey which is a curvy mile away. Big whoop. (also the strip hasnt been “gritty” in decades.)

    If a local journalist would have written about it instead of someone who parachuted  in a couple of years ago, it might have been about how a) no one really loved that club anyways b) how after seeing the renovation of the Riot Hyatt into the Andaz across the street from the HOB and the ongoing success of the Mondrian next door or the Standard two blocks away OF COURSE a ticket corporation like Ticketmaster who actually doesn’t care about music would turn their club into a luxury hotel and c) this is more proof that the Sunset Strip is less about music (that trend has been moving east to Echo Park and DTLA since before poor adam moved west) and more about luxe.

    instead NY Adam interviews a nearby hotelier who claims the sky is now falling (because omg competition) and the Roxy’s Nic Adler who rightfully says this is a non story. BUT WHY WOULD YOU EVER BELIEVE THE SON OF THE MAN WHO HELPED PUT ROCK ON THE MAP ON THE SUNSET STRIP?!

    instead let’s publish another trend piece about LA that people in LA will laugh about because as Curbed LA wrote perfectly earlier this yearNew York Times stories about Los Angeles are amazing because they’re like seeing the city through the eyes of a dorky time traveler from 1992.”

    add one more to the list, boys, but be careful, nyc adam might omg block you from the twitters.



  2. Thursday, October 17, 2013
  3. Wednesday, October 16, 2013

    left nyc as the sun was setting 


    flew across the country and because al gore is amazeballs i got to see the dodgers beat the cards

    from my seat in the plane

    then got to watch the congress stop acting like pouty little crybaby idiots

    then got to watch the pouty little whiners on fox news complain that the president spiked the football

    because he omg said lets not legislate by crisis anymore.

    hannityduring my job interview the other day they asked me what news shows i watch on tv

    and because i didnt wanna sound like sarah palin i resisted saying ALL OF THEM even though that is the correct answer

    but my favorite thing to do is to watch Fox when the GOP bungles and watch MSNBC when the Dems f up

    i like bob shaeffer on cbs on sundays followed by stephanopolis because george will cracks me up

    fox n friends on the weekday mornings makes me laugh because theyre cartoon characters, right?

    muppets. animatrons.

    people forget that when i was in college so was sean hannity.

    and i was one of the few who argued that he should have a daily show on kcsb

    because even though it was the era of grunge we pretended that we were an alternative radio station

    my argument was whats more punk rock and alternative than this crazy conservative kid ranting about clinton?

    instead they played it safe and didnt give him a show, and yay we got a few more hours of reggae that no one listened to.


    the correct answer is i tivo the daily show, rachael maddow, bill maher and cbs2 because paul magers and pat harvey relax me

    and theres no finer weather caster than jackie johnson and jim hill is my homeboy.

    pretty much the best local LA lineup since fritz n fred colleen and john beard in the 80s.

    but because all of that was spinning in my head all i said instead was

    The McLaughlin Group.


  4. bring your own lampshade, somewhere theres a party 

    will be open

    well i had my big fancy interview yesterday with the big fancy company and the big fancy people.

    because i never want to let down my mom, instead of keeping it real by wearing an AC/DC shirt and flip flops, i had my khakis cleaned and pressed at the chinese laundry lady down the street along with a dress shirt.

    even though my feet were complaining about all the awesome NYC walking i was doing i switched from normal shoes to hard dress shoes at the mcdonalds across the street. so i looked like a common day sell out.

    met the nice people, we walked through the big building, sat in a nice office and did the interview. somewhere along the way i sang for them.

    nycswinging party by the replacements, to be specific. as covered by 16-year-old ingénue Lorde.

    Bring your own lampshade, somewhere there’s a party
    Here it’s never ending, can’t remember when it started
    Pass around the lampshade, there’ll be plenty enough room in jail

    If being wrong’s a crime, I’m serving forever
    If being strong is what you want, then I need help here with this feather
    If being afraid is a crime, we hang side by side
    At the swingin’ party down the line

    i’ll admit it’s weird to fly across the country for a job you dont know much about.

    for people who are interested in you but who don’t truly know your resume. and who still don’t know how much they wanna pay you.

    for a job that will make you pick up and move to a brand new city that is pretty different from the one you’ve been living in for quite a while.

    but i guess im not the most normal person nor do i live the most normal life. #thankGod

    however somewhere near the end of the interview we all learned that they were looking for someone who actually had experience doing something that i have no experience with.

    im no dummy (usually), im a fairly good communicator, and sales is near and dear to my heart which is good because sales is life. but one reason i have done pretty well in the last couple jobs ive had is because i was perfect for those jobs and i had a bit of experience before i was called up to the big leagues.

    this is definitely a big league gig and if i were to succeed i would have to become the rookie of the year. which isn’t impossible, but it’s a risk im not sure any of us wants to take. which is a bit sad because they are fantastic people and it seems like a kickass project.

    but if theres one thing i hate hate hate hate it’s when people are in jobs they have no business being in. especially after they realize that they suck at it. by staying they are hurting other people’s dreams, and theyre only there out of selfishness laziness and the fear of moving on.

    i never want to be that sort of asswipe.

    the way i look at it i have about 20 more years to rock. which isnt that long. time flies. so during that time i want to use all of the priceless experience ive garnered that led up to whereever we’re at today and then kick it up to the next level. that way when i peace out i can look back at this long strange trip and say f yeah that was killer.

    and i didnt ruin anything for anyone else. and i helped good people along the way. and i grew as a person. and when st. peter lists all the cruddy things i did he takes a deep breath and says But and lists off all the amazing things i did.

    and little cherubs drop from the sky, the gates open, and in the faint distance i hope to hear jimi say, welcome to the swinging party.

    so sorry LA, i guess you’ve gotta put up with me for a little while longer.

  5. Tuesday, October 15, 2013

    Ate at McDonald’s again today 








    Then ate some delicious salmon with Scott

    Then drank pumpkin beer with Matt

    Then had a super fun time with many secret ppl while we sorta watched the Dodgers lose.

    Took the train lots. That might be my favorite part of NYC.

    The smells and the trashy things are the least.

    The weather has been great.

    And ALL of the conversations.

    Every time I come here I love it.

    Tomorrow imma eat at momofuku and then fly the momofuku back homofuku.

  6. things i like and dont like about nyc, a film 


    i like that whereever you go theres people. i like people. especially on the streets. especially when theyre going somewhere. especially when theyre dressed all crazy. especially when theyre napping on a park bench as squirells are seriously eating nuts like in the cartoons.


    i like that stuff is for sale everywhere. its capitalism like al gore intended. stuff stuff stuff even though everyone has little places. no bother. they still want stuff and the city has lots of stores and lots of things and they all cost money and somehow people have money. maybe cuz they dont have cars.


    the food is good but a lot of the food is not good. you need Sass to make you a google map or Amy to take you to the right pupusa truck or matt to cook up some duck or the rice pudding lady to make you a huge bowl of rice pudding but eventually you will have really delicious food in your belly and you’ll forget all your cares. as if you had any in the first place. because the bars are open till 4am.


    friends are here. lots of them. some youve never met. some youve known forever. and then there are those who pop into town because all roads lead to nyc at some point for everyone and sometimes those roads are subway stops and sometimes those roads are streets where theyve got 5-6 traffic cops making sure the traffic is flowing. LA could learn a lesson in keeping the flow flowing. maybe the 405 needs traffic cops at the 101 somehow. maybe in space ships. or jet packs.


    the street art is incredible and plentiful and colorful which in a city thats very dirty is a welcome relief. it makes you forget about the rodents and the terrible smells and the fact that theres not a good national league team anywhere nearby. if michaelangelo was around today, no doubt he would be plastering posters of young naked boys on the walls and tagging the ceilings of busses GELO FOOL!


    theres always transportation. be it a cab or an Uber or a subway or a bus or a gypsy cab or a space ship or someones car or a ferry or a tank or a moped theres always a way to get to where you need to go. and people are always going there. its a zig zag ballet. and even if you miss your subway in brooklyn at 1am because youre drunk and you were startled by vermin and it made you think that F train wasnt YOUR f train another F train will come through in just a few. cleaner than the first. or a cab with a half naked rihanna picture will cruise past. or a limo or a sedan with an italian pisan. or you could always hitchhike like in olden times.


    they have not forgotten. they have built it better and sleeker. theyre taking their sweet time, true, but this one aint ever coming down. theres an old bible story about the stairway to heaven. they called it the tower of babel. its where douglas adams got the babblefish idea from. even back then God knew that if people worked as a team they could make a tower that could go straight to heaven like jack and the beanstalk. something tells me this new tower will have everything any building ever wanted plus one very important thing: love. which most super towers dont. a few blocks from the new wtc is a store that sells I <3 NY tshirts and all the money goes to charity because the <3 is blue and it signifies 9/11. that store is always busy and people buy tons of the shirts that are never discounted and even i bought one because how cant you <3 NY when youre at ground zero because thats not aboot <3ing NY its about <3ing <3.

  7. Monday, October 14, 2013