nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, November 22, 2015

    remembering how different things were just a few years ago when Obama ran against Mitt 

    “Uhh, Lately I’ve been listening to alot of Jay-z..” If you’re having bank problems, I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but mitts not one. I got, protestors saying, “our economy blows”, and my wallstreet brothers wanna occupy (Clothes?) if you bitches keep saying, “No change, no votes”, I work for the banks, stupid, what types’a threats are those? The gas pump’s where your whole paycheck goes, Been a long time since you was  havin’ cash flows. So, FUCK my critics, you can kiss my “Gas”-hole, if you don’t like my lyrics, then you can hit the road. Who cares about the polls, this election (may show?), if you wanna vote for mitt? I don’t give a SHIT. So, (Newsmags try to use my ass?), So advertisers give them more cash, for ads. Fuckers, I don’t know what you take me as, but understand the intelligence Obama has! Riches to rags bitches, I ain’t dumb, I got 99 problems but Mitt’s not one! huehuheuhe 99 Problems, but mitt ain’t one! with all your bank problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but mitt ain’t one! Hit me! The year’s 2009, and the White House is mine, but the economy’s in full-motherfucking-decline, My choices at the time were to shit on the poor, or to fellate the banks to get elected once more. Now, I’m not trying to fight, J.P Morgan-Chase got their campaign dollars so I could win the race. So I, sucked their dick and watched the country implode, I heard “Son, do you know how to cheat the Tax code?” Well, I’m young and I’m rich, and my tax rate’s low, don’t I look like a 1%’er? Mitt, you would know! Did I pass your test, or should I get some mo’? “No, just tell us what you sent down to mexico!” Eh, If you think I’m stepping down from office for trafficking weapons in their drug cartels, war, I ain’t steppin’ down from shit, because this president’s legit. “Well, do you mind if we see that birth certificate?” All my records are blocked you conspiracy hack, and I know my rights, so you gon’ need a warrant for that! “Wow, aren’t you sharp as a tack, are you some type of lawyer or something?” Well I’m not a lawyer for nothing! I passed the bar, so I know quite a bit, enough that you don’t stand a fucking chance mitt! “Well lets see how smart you are when the election comes.” I got 99 problems, but this bitch ain’t one! huehuheueh 99 problems, but mitt ain’t one! With all your bank problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but mitt’s not one! Criminal, fraud, repression, deceit, I murder and I plunder through the world elite! We invade countries so we have all they own! “I have a dream!” Well, I have a drone. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  2. Wednesday, August 12, 2015

    yr welcome 

    obama hoops

    racists run around saying dumb crap like

    i want my country back

    which everyone knows just means progress scares you

    and you’re uncomfortable that theres a black president steering the ship

    where everything is going exactly as you feared:


    the u.s. was so low when obama took over that some people thought the republicans werent even trying

    “lets let things get worse before things get better and then we can re-take the white house and everyone will love us again.”

    but the stock market is up, housing is back, unemployment is down,

    bin laden dead, people have health insurance, and the cubs are playing incredibly.

    and people can try to discount all of those achievements and say this or that about them

    but one thing they cannot deny

    under obama we have felt safer.

    we are not hyper paranoid about every little thing.

    we have gotten our country back.

    theres no more ridiculous terror alerts. theres no more

    fear fear fear

    being shoved at us. which no one believed anyway, but still.

    i appreciate that.

    quality of life means something to me, so thank you for not lying all day to me

    so i would buy into your malarkey.

    am i thrilled about the government spying on me?


    but im enjoying pretty much everything else.

  3. Wednesday, August 5, 2015

    yesterday was the president of the usa’s bday, he’s 24 


    we probably shouldnt see race in things, i should probably eat better, i should probably go to the gym

    i should probably buy better clothes.

    and i should probably say how happy i am about soul brother number one.

    it is nice to have someone in the white house who

    isnt completely full of shit

    isnt a total fucking knob

    and even if hes spying on us all, every one of us, all the time

    and lying about it

    at least he’s probably looking for actual terrible people

    and cruising right over the typical embarrassing stuff

    like how bad i am at fantasy baseball.

    things i wish he would do more of:

    television speeches

    beer summits

    interviews with howard stern.

    you promised us change.

    anyway, happy birthday!

  4. Tuesday, July 7, 2015
  5. Friday, June 26, 2015

    why am i so happy this morning? 

    gay marriage legalthe supreme court just legalized gay marriage across the land and i’m super stoked?


    i have no skin in this game.

    i dont even know any gay people


    jk i know lots of gay people and i’m very happy for all of them.

    but im happier for america and people who pay attention to america because this is exactly what this country is supposed to be about


    today we have.

    the cranky ass cranks on the right on the supreme court have outted themselves as being asswipes

    calling people hippies

    and turning their back on what this country was founded on: the pursuit of happiness, freedom, love, liberty, equality

    not politics, not the bible, not conservative jibber jabber

    and most of all, not big government.

    so yes i am thrilled that restrictive, backwards, anti-american discrimination has lost yet another battle under Obama.

    what a week it has been for the president: he busted with the N-word on a podcast, he passed his trade agreement, and now that he has “evolved” in his feelings about gay marriage – so has the court.

    not bad for a half black lame duck with a republican congress.

    let freedom ring, you beautiful hippies.

    it is so ordered

  6. Thursday, June 11, 2015

    when bad things get better 

    14 year old black girlthis weekend we were all shocked as a little hyper white cop barrel rolled into a community in texas

    where a white woman was having a fight with a black kid after the woman told the kid and other kids to “go back to their Section 8 neighborhoods” and swim in the pools there.

    the cop is seen in the video handcuffing black kids left and right

    and then forcing a 14-year-old black girl in a bikini face down into the grass as she cried to whoever was listening to call her momma.

    the cop has since quit the force. for some reason he will get to keep his benefits and pension.

    and now the news is that he has left town because he’s getting death threats, which is sad, because no one should be killed for having a bad day.

    however no kid leaving a pool party should have a gun pointed at them either.

    especially by someone who is supposed to protect and serve.

    i’m critical of all the presidents of the united states because, simply put, they work for me. they work for you too. and i realize that President Obama is working on trade deals and Isis and a ton of other things

    but as the first half black half white president, how about doing something that only a mixed race president can do: bring the discussion of race front-and-center to the American people.

    im not saying Obama has to have any solutions, but he can be the one that starts a sober, organized chat that could lead to something that could improve race relations in a country that clearly still has a lot of work to be done.

    people talk about presidents and their legacies all the time. Obamacare is great and all, but what have you done for us lately? let’s work on race while we still have a brother in the white house.

  7. Friday, May 22, 2015

    am i sad that the president wears moms jeans and is a sox fan? 


    when i was young the xbi taught me how to meditate while i played a ghetto version of Tetris

    i think it was called Bloxx. doesnt matter, it helped me work with patterns and lack of uniformity

    which helped me identify things from the skies in chopper one.

    but it also settled my mind because all of these good and bad thoughts would float up to my conscious.

    it’s one reason i dont like shooting video games: i cant learn when i play.

    anyways the other day i was playing a different video game, a new one that one of my fellow ex-xbi colleagues made.

    he asked me to try it out and i did and it was fantastic.

    as i was playing all of these thoughts flooded my mind:

    what are you doing with your life? where are you going? what are you wearing?

    who do you think you are? why arent you in the agency any more? why dont you quit blogging?

    why havent you tried screenwriting? why havent you moved? when are you going to clean up?

    why are you driving that car? what about your hands? what about your health? what about yr hair?

    which was all understandable because it was just the drill digging deep past the bilge into

    the hard material that keeps us down.

    and then this one bubbled up: are you sad the president is a sox fan that wears mom jeans.

    and i laughed and i died in the game cuz i couldnt stop laughing.

  8. Thursday, May 21, 2015

    remember that time we got invited to the white house 

    obamaand we got all dressed up and you said omg lets bring the kids

    and i was all what kids?

    and you said OUR kids and i was like Them? they’re too little. they wont behave and they wont remember anything.

    and you said how many times are we gonna have this chance again. god sometimes i wonder about you

    and i said fine.

    so we dressed them up and you said that wasnt good enough so you ran to the store


    and came home and gave them Another bath

    and got them dressed and we went there

    and the president was super cool about everything

    and then when it was time to go, little sally was like

    no mommy im not leaving. no i like it here. NOOOOOOO!!!

    and the president was all, yeah i have that effect on some people

    and michelle was like seriously?

    and Bo the dog just casually strolled out of the room and down the hall

    and laid down next to the kitchen.

    and the secret service guy was all, i know yr xbi but we’re gonna have to get her out of here

    and i was all, if you tase her, no one will blame you

    and michelle laughed

    and obama laughed

    but i wasnt kidding.

  9. Friday, March 13, 2015
  10. Saturday, November 29, 2014

    Dear Elizabeth Lauten 


    I get you’re in those awful 40something years, you look at your life so far and you think, “wow i’ve sold out for most of my life helping the rich get richer and the poor poorer and the best i can say for myself is I’m the communications director for Rep. Stephen Fincher (R-TN).”

    I understand your frustration of having to try to think of ANYTHING you can to get people to believe that this administration is evil despite the economy miraculously turning around (with no help from Congress), Obamacare being beneficial to millions (and not the end of the world as the GOP promised), the real estate market bouncing back, and even gas prices shrinking.

    So you went to the third rail: you went after the president’s teenage daughters.

    For looking at each other as their dad pardoned a turkey.

    And wearing skirts.


    I get it that when you see other young women you get jealous because you’re no longer young and full of promise.

    But must you attack their mother as well?

    The First Lady’s whole agenda is to attract attention to living a more healthy lifestyle. Somehow that doesn’t fit into your worldview as respecting her position or being a “good role model”?

    I wonder how many of your boss’s opponents’ children you communicate such hate toward.

    Or is it only towards the black ones?

    Try to be a better human being in the second half of your life.

    Step one: write about policy, facts, and the actual politicians the people voted for.

    I’m sure your momma raised you better than this.