nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, August 12, 2015

    yr welcome 

    obama hoops

    racists run around saying dumb crap like

    i want my country back

    which everyone knows just means progress scares you

    and you’re uncomfortable that theres a black president steering the ship

    where everything is going exactly as you feared:


    the u.s. was so low when obama took over that some people thought the republicans werent even trying

    “lets let things get worse before things get better and then we can re-take the white house and everyone will love us again.”

    but the stock market is up, housing is back, unemployment is down,

    bin laden dead, people have health insurance, and the cubs are playing incredibly.

    and people can try to discount all of those achievements and say this or that about them

    but one thing they cannot deny

    under obama we have felt safer.

    we are not hyper paranoid about every little thing.

    we have gotten our country back.

    theres no more ridiculous terror alerts. theres no more

    fear fear fear

    being shoved at us. which no one believed anyway, but still.

    i appreciate that.

    quality of life means something to me, so thank you for not lying all day to me

    so i would buy into your malarkey.

    am i thrilled about the government spying on me?


    but im enjoying pretty much everything else.

  2. Wednesday, August 5, 2015

    yesterday was the president of the usa’s bday, he’s 24 


    we probably shouldnt see race in things, i should probably eat better, i should probably go to the gym

    i should probably buy better clothes.

    and i should probably say how happy i am about soul brother number one.

    it is nice to have someone in the white house who

    isnt completely full of shit

    isnt a total fucking knob

    and even if hes spying on us all, every one of us, all the time

    and lying about it

    at least he’s probably looking for actual terrible people

    and cruising right over the typical embarrassing stuff

    like how bad i am at fantasy baseball.

    things i wish he would do more of:

    television speeches

    beer summits

    interviews with howard stern.

    you promised us change.

    anyway, happy birthday!

  3. Tuesday, July 7, 2015
  4. Friday, June 26, 2015

    why am i so happy this morning? 

    gay marriage legalthe supreme court just legalized gay marriage across the land and i’m super stoked?


    i have no skin in this game.

    i dont even know any gay people


    jk i know lots of gay people and i’m very happy for all of them.

    but im happier for america and people who pay attention to america because this is exactly what this country is supposed to be about


    today we have.

    the cranky ass cranks on the right on the supreme court have outted themselves as being asswipes

    calling people hippies

    and turning their back on what this country was founded on: the pursuit of happiness, freedom, love, liberty, equality

    not politics, not the bible, not conservative jibber jabber

    and most of all, not big government.

    so yes i am thrilled that restrictive, backwards, anti-american discrimination has lost yet another battle under Obama.

    what a week it has been for the president: he busted with the N-word on a podcast, he passed his trade agreement, and now that he has “evolved” in his feelings about gay marriage – so has the court.

    not bad for a half black lame duck with a republican congress.

    let freedom ring, you beautiful hippies.

    it is so ordered

  5. Thursday, June 11, 2015

    when bad things get better 

    14 year old black girlthis weekend we were all shocked as a little hyper white cop barrel rolled into a community in texas

    where a white woman was having a fight with a black kid after the woman told the kid and other kids to “go back to their Section 8 neighborhoods” and swim in the pools there.

    the cop is seen in the video handcuffing black kids left and right

    and then forcing a 14-year-old black girl in a bikini face down into the grass as she cried to whoever was listening to call her momma.

    the cop has since quit the force. for some reason he will get to keep his benefits and pension.

    and now the news is that he has left town because he’s getting death threats, which is sad, because no one should be killed for having a bad day.

    however no kid leaving a pool party should have a gun pointed at them either.

    especially by someone who is supposed to protect and serve.

    i’m critical of all the presidents of the united states because, simply put, they work for me. they work for you too. and i realize that President Obama is working on trade deals and Isis and a ton of other things

    but as the first half black half white president, how about doing something that only a mixed race president can do: bring the discussion of race front-and-center to the American people.

    im not saying Obama has to have any solutions, but he can be the one that starts a sober, organized chat that could lead to something that could improve race relations in a country that clearly still has a lot of work to be done.

    people talk about presidents and their legacies all the time. Obamacare is great and all, but what have you done for us lately? let’s work on race while we still have a brother in the white house.

  6. Friday, May 22, 2015

    am i sad that the president wears moms jeans and is a sox fan? 


    when i was young the xbi taught me how to meditate while i played a ghetto version of Tetris

    i think it was called Bloxx. doesnt matter, it helped me work with patterns and lack of uniformity

    which helped me identify things from the skies in chopper one.

    but it also settled my mind because all of these good and bad thoughts would float up to my conscious.

    it’s one reason i dont like shooting video games: i cant learn when i play.

    anyways the other day i was playing a different video game, a new one that one of my fellow ex-xbi colleagues made.

    he asked me to try it out and i did and it was fantastic.

    as i was playing all of these thoughts flooded my mind:

    what are you doing with your life? where are you going? what are you wearing?

    who do you think you are? why arent you in the agency any more? why dont you quit blogging?

    why havent you tried screenwriting? why havent you moved? when are you going to clean up?

    why are you driving that car? what about your hands? what about your health? what about yr hair?

    which was all understandable because it was just the drill digging deep past the bilge into

    the hard material that keeps us down.

    and then this one bubbled up: are you sad the president is a sox fan that wears mom jeans.

    and i laughed and i died in the game cuz i couldnt stop laughing.

  7. Thursday, May 21, 2015

    remember that time we got invited to the white house 

    obamaand we got all dressed up and you said omg lets bring the kids

    and i was all what kids?

    and you said OUR kids and i was like Them? they’re too little. they wont behave and they wont remember anything.

    and you said how many times are we gonna have this chance again. god sometimes i wonder about you

    and i said fine.

    so we dressed them up and you said that wasnt good enough so you ran to the store


    and came home and gave them Another bath

    and got them dressed and we went there

    and the president was super cool about everything

    and then when it was time to go, little sally was like

    no mommy im not leaving. no i like it here. NOOOOOOO!!!

    and the president was all, yeah i have that effect on some people

    and michelle was like seriously?

    and Bo the dog just casually strolled out of the room and down the hall

    and laid down next to the kitchen.

    and the secret service guy was all, i know yr xbi but we’re gonna have to get her out of here

    and i was all, if you tase her, no one will blame you

    and michelle laughed

    and obama laughed

    but i wasnt kidding.

  8. Friday, March 13, 2015
  9. Saturday, November 29, 2014

    Dear Elizabeth Lauten 


    I get you’re in those awful 40something years, you look at your life so far and you think, “wow i’ve sold out for most of my life helping the rich get richer and the poor poorer and the best i can say for myself is I’m the communications director for Rep. Stephen Fincher (R-TN).”

    I understand your frustration of having to try to think of ANYTHING you can to get people to believe that this administration is evil despite the economy miraculously turning around (with no help from Congress), Obamacare being beneficial to millions (and not the end of the world as the GOP promised), the real estate market bouncing back, and even gas prices shrinking.

    So you went to the third rail: you went after the president’s teenage daughters.

    For looking at each other as their dad pardoned a turkey.

    And wearing skirts.


    I get it that when you see other young women you get jealous because you’re no longer young and full of promise.

    But must you attack their mother as well?

    The First Lady’s whole agenda is to attract attention to living a more healthy lifestyle. Somehow that doesn’t fit into your worldview as respecting her position or being a “good role model”?

    I wonder how many of your boss’s opponents’ children you communicate such hate toward.

    Or is it only towards the black ones?

    Try to be a better human being in the second half of your life.

    Step one: write about policy, facts, and the actual politicians the people voted for.

    I’m sure your momma raised you better than this.

  10. Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    is the Internet screwed? no. just the American Internet 

    obama with FCC chairman Wheeler

    all over the world, the web is fine, because in most parts of the world big business isn’t treated like Royalty.

    here in the home of the brave, there’s a political party that pretends that if giant conglomerates aren’t allowed to

    do whatever they damn well please

    then all the jobs will disappear.

    we quickly forget that all of these businesses began as start-ups that filled a hole in the market.

    Apple didn’t need any special treatment when it was competing against IBM, Microsoft, Xerox and countless other giants.

    Apple, omg, invented shit, stuck to their principles of innovation, and for decades struggled before they broke out.

    Now they’re bigger than big, mightier than anyone, and the hottest store in every mall lucky enough to have them.

    Time Warner, Comcast, AT&T and all these other Internet providers and cable companies lie right to our faces

    and tell us that if they are not allowed to slow down web speeds to smaller companies like Netflix and programs like BitTorrent

    then their businesses will falter and omg jobs jobs jobs and profits will magically evaporate.

    now there are a lot of things i like about our president. he turned around the economy

    millions of people now have healthcare. the stock market is breaking records every day.

    and he seems to give a shit about the environment.

    but when he fucks up he does so in such a huge way it’s like he made some weird deal with the GOP

    “i’ll throw you a bone, no matter what it is, a few times a year.”

    even though all they do is try to cockblock him Every. Chance. They. Can.

    for some hairbrained reason Obama named the BFF of the cable industry as the head of the FCC.

    Some douche named Wheeler.

    Wheeler is not going to have some amazing revelation in the near future.

    He’s not going to tell all of his country club brethren that they’re going to have to stop throttling the web.

    He’s going to lie and say he wants to listen to both sides.

    And then he’s going to do exactly what we know he’s going to do.

    Why? Because he is a Scorpion and we are Frogs.

    He can’t help it.

    He and all of his friends are addicted to money.

    And the people who keep voting for this nonsense are addicted to fear and ignorance.

    But I’m not angry. And do you know why?

    Because you cannot stop American ingenuity, particularly when porn is involved.

    The web will be fast one day because teenage boys, the keys to digital technology, won’t stand for slow connections

    to see boobs.

    bless their hearts.