nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, August 12, 2016

    i may not be a huge success but im not a fucking sellout asshole liar 

    head of the DEA

    this is Drug Enforcement Administration chief Chuck Rosenberg.

    just look at him.

    his whole life he has seen people smoke weed.

    he knows people who have smoked weed.

    but one thing we know for sure: he has never ever ever seen someone smoke weed and die.

    he hasn’t even read about it.

    but yesterday he got on the mic and said that, indeed, marijuana should be considered just as dangerous as LSD and heroin.

    heroin, of course, is a drug where if someone takes too much of it they will die.

    but Drug Enforcement Administration chief Chuck Rosenberg doesn’t want to do the right thing today.

    he doesn’t want to say, weed has never killed anyone. it’s easy to stop doing. and it’s easy to regulate.

    it’s as easy to deal with as booze or cigarettes, and in fact we could make a ton of money off sales tax and other sorts of taxes if we wanted.

    but instead of that we want to lock people in jails, and take their shit, and take their money and ruin their lives.

    Drug Enforcement Administration chief Chuck Rosenberg basically said yesterday that the laws surrounding marijuana are more dangerous than the plant itself

    and thats ok with him

    because he’s a fucking tool

    on the take

    just like his predecessor

    and the one before that one.

    this is the biggest thing im disappointed in obama about.

    because he fucking knows too.

  2. Thursday, July 28, 2016

    why did we let anyone try to convince us that Obama wasn’t great 


    last night the first black president stepped up to the plate
    and did what he normally does
    he looked around, pointed to deep centerfield
    and hit the ball exactly where he pointed
    and ran around the bases casually
    as the whole world cheered.

    yet for nearly eight years we sat there
    and listened to nincompoops and idiots
    bitch and whine that
    Nobama didn’t do this or did that wrong or foolishly.

    people have the shortest memories.

    things were so bad in 2007 that when Obama won his first presidential election
    some speculated that the Republicans didn’t even really try to win
    because they knew that no one could lift us out of the
    shitty stinky fucked up hole
    that eight years of Bush / Cheney sank us into.

    and even though for most of his 8 years he had a do nothing Congress
    who said straight up that they were going to do everything they could
    to make sure he would only be a one-term president
    he ended up being one of the greatest leaders
    an America ever had.
    twenty million people now have health insurance
    millions of gays and lesbians can get married now
    and be in the armed forces without having to pretend
    our national debt has been reduced
    millions of people who were unemployed now have jobs
    the stock and real estate markets are booming.

    and best of all, the Cubs are on their way to becoming a Dynasty.

    if some grumpy old white Republican dude with gray hair and a big belly
    had done this
    they’d be talking about adding him to Mount Rushmore

    never let them convince you
    even for a minute
    that Obama isn’t spectacular.
    they are jealous,
    and they should be
    on so many levels.

  3. Monday, July 4, 2016

    happy birthday, America 

    Happy birthday to my favorite country
    a place where a man born to an African man and a midwestern woman
    can go to Harvard, run for president, become president
    and despite unprecedented Congressional cockblocking and cowardice,
    miraculously pull a nation from a deliberating recession,
    while killing tyrants, ending wars,
    making the nation freer, healthier, and more prosperous
    with style and eloquence.
    As a Cub fan I look the other way when I remember he’s a Sox fan.
    One day I hope his detractors can look the other way
    when they remember
    he’s not like them.
    yours in rock,

  4. Sunday, May 29, 2016


    obama air force

    Rolling Stone: How do you make sense of the Donald Trump phenomenon?

    Louis CK: I’m not gonna tell Americans how to feel — I think you gotta get out of the way of people’s feelings. It’s a self-cleaning system. Whenever anybody says, “The voters are stupid” – well, the voters elected Obama against a war hero and a multimillionaire, which are classic choices for the other side. I have faith in the American people because of that. And if Trump does win, I feel like we will figure it out.

  5. Monday, March 21, 2016

    do you know i love you, i do 

    obama trumpi also love that Obama is having a nice victory lap. he deserves it. no one thought that he could do the things he’s done.

    in fact when he won the first time i thought, they just let him win because they didnt wanna clean up the mess that W left him.

    but he did clean it up. by himself. and he didn’t even make it look tough. the GOP did their best to obstruct him but he just smiled and said pick a card any card.

    and they said we’re not playing this stupid game

    he said why not.

    they said because if you guess the card you look like Cool Obama always picking the right cards and we look like Dumb Old Sticks In The Muds

    he said, cut the pack then.

    they said no. because if we cut the pack then you will do something amazing and we’ll look like Dumb Old Bumps on a Log.

    and President Obama said, we are all in this together. i ALREADY won the presidency. you’ll never be able to impeach me and i’m not gonna quit, so, you know, if you work With me, it will look like we are both doing this magic and you can add it to the reasons people should re-elect you, because you

    actually helped the people who voted for you

    and they thought about it for a minute and said, no, we will not pick a card, we will not cut the deck

    then Obama said, thats ok, i understand, i mean im just a half white half black man from kenya who


    i said im half black and half white


    he said, oh that, well i actually wrote it down on a card, pick one and it’ll be written on it.


    you’ll see when you pick it, the president said and they leapt at the deck

    they took a card, it was the Ace of Spades

    they frowned and threw it on the ground

    of course it landed face up and read:

    <3 Hawaii In Da House <3

  6. Friday, December 18, 2015

    if joseph and mary were looking for a place to deliver Jesus 

    new joseph and marywould you let them crash at your place?

    the Good Book has many stories about traveling strangers needing a roof over their head temporarily, but none is more powerful than the Son of God’s origin story.

    not even the motel had somewhere for A PREGNANT LADY TO SLEEP

    who refuses a pregnant lady?

    i need to get in the movie making business and exclusively tell bible stories because the problem with the bible is people think that these are just old fashioned tales that have zero relevance to today,

    but the reason that they connect with me so well is because, to me, the bible shows me that human nature is something that hasn’t changed much over the years.

    we are still nervous about immigrants.

    we are still untrustworthy of strangers.

    our hearts want to be full of love and kindness and generosity but our brains and our culture tells us to fear and destroy and shun.

    what i love about the Bible is God and Jesus and King David and Moses and all the heroes get dissed left and right by humans who would rather melt down gold into the shape of a goat and pray to IT as opposed to give it up to the miracle maker right in front of them.

    that has not changed to this day. so quickly some diss people like Barack Obama who miraculously steered the economy away from the brink of disaster, who got gays and lesbians the right to marry, who killed osama bin laden, who inspired Wall Street to rebound, who got health insurance to millions who wouldn’t have it due to normal things like “pre-existing conditions.

    so the question i need to ask myself is who am i dissing who is performing good deeds around me? who am i foolishly ignoring in favor of something ridiculous. and most importantly, who am i refusing, who very well might be the mother and father of peace?

    history is there for us to learn from and build upon. we cant ignore it. but sadly i think even the smartest of us do.

  7. Sunday, November 22, 2015

    remembering how different things were just a few years ago when Obama ran against Mitt 

    “Uhh, Lately I’ve been listening to alot of Jay-z..” If you’re having bank problems, I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but mitts not one. I got, protestors saying, “our economy blows”, and my wallstreet brothers wanna occupy (Clothes?) if you bitches keep saying, “No change, no votes”, I work for the banks, stupid, what types’a threats are those? The gas pump’s where your whole paycheck goes, Been a long time since you was  havin’ cash flows. So, FUCK my critics, you can kiss my “Gas”-hole, if you don’t like my lyrics, then you can hit the road. Who cares about the polls, this election (may show?), if you wanna vote for mitt? I don’t give a SHIT. So, (Newsmags try to use my ass?), So advertisers give them more cash, for ads. Fuckers, I don’t know what you take me as, but understand the intelligence Obama has! Riches to rags bitches, I ain’t dumb, I got 99 problems but Mitt’s not one! huehuheuhe 99 Problems, but mitt ain’t one! with all your bank problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but mitt ain’t one! Hit me! The year’s 2009, and the White House is mine, but the economy’s in full-motherfucking-decline, My choices at the time were to shit on the poor, or to fellate the banks to get elected once more. Now, I’m not trying to fight, J.P Morgan-Chase got their campaign dollars so I could win the race. So I, sucked their dick and watched the country implode, I heard “Son, do you know how to cheat the Tax code?” Well, I’m young and I’m rich, and my tax rate’s low, don’t I look like a 1%’er? Mitt, you would know! Did I pass your test, or should I get some mo’? “No, just tell us what you sent down to mexico!” Eh, If you think I’m stepping down from office for trafficking weapons in their drug cartels, war, I ain’t steppin’ down from shit, because this president’s legit. “Well, do you mind if we see that birth certificate?” All my records are blocked you conspiracy hack, and I know my rights, so you gon’ need a warrant for that! “Wow, aren’t you sharp as a tack, are you some type of lawyer or something?” Well I’m not a lawyer for nothing! I passed the bar, so I know quite a bit, enough that you don’t stand a fucking chance mitt! “Well lets see how smart you are when the election comes.” I got 99 problems, but this bitch ain’t one! huehuheueh 99 problems, but mitt ain’t one! With all your bank problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but mitt’s not one! Criminal, fraud, repression, deceit, I murder and I plunder through the world elite! We invade countries so we have all they own! “I have a dream!” Well, I have a drone. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  8. Wednesday, August 12, 2015

    yr welcome 

    obama hoops

    racists run around saying dumb crap like

    i want my country back

    which everyone knows just means progress scares you

    and you’re uncomfortable that theres a black president steering the ship

    where everything is going exactly as you feared:


    the u.s. was so low when obama took over that some people thought the republicans werent even trying

    “lets let things get worse before things get better and then we can re-take the white house and everyone will love us again.”

    but the stock market is up, housing is back, unemployment is down,

    bin laden dead, people have health insurance, and the cubs are playing incredibly.

    and people can try to discount all of those achievements and say this or that about them

    but one thing they cannot deny

    under obama we have felt safer.

    we are not hyper paranoid about every little thing.

    we have gotten our country back.

    theres no more ridiculous terror alerts. theres no more

    fear fear fear

    being shoved at us. which no one believed anyway, but still.

    i appreciate that.

    quality of life means something to me, so thank you for not lying all day to me

    so i would buy into your malarkey.

    am i thrilled about the government spying on me?


    but im enjoying pretty much everything else.

  9. Wednesday, August 5, 2015

    yesterday was the president of the usa’s bday, he’s 24 


    we probably shouldnt see race in things, i should probably eat better, i should probably go to the gym

    i should probably buy better clothes.

    and i should probably say how happy i am about soul brother number one.

    it is nice to have someone in the white house who

    isnt completely full of shit

    isnt a total fucking knob

    and even if hes spying on us all, every one of us, all the time

    and lying about it

    at least he’s probably looking for actual terrible people

    and cruising right over the typical embarrassing stuff

    like how bad i am at fantasy baseball.

    things i wish he would do more of:

    television speeches

    beer summits

    interviews with howard stern.

    you promised us change.

    anyway, happy birthday!

  10. Tuesday, July 7, 2015