nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, May 22, 2015

    am i sad that the president wears moms jeans and is a sox fan? 


    when i was young the xbi taught me how to meditate while i played a ghetto version of Tetris

    i think it was called Bloxx. doesnt matter, it helped me work with patterns and lack of uniformity

    which helped me identify things from the skies in chopper one.

    but it also settled my mind because all of these good and bad thoughts would float up to my conscious.

    it’s one reason i dont like shooting video games: i cant learn when i play.

    anyways the other day i was playing a different video game, a new one that one of my fellow ex-xbi colleagues made.

    he asked me to try it out and i did and it was fantastic.

    as i was playing all of these thoughts flooded my mind:

    what are you doing with your life? where are you going? what are you wearing?

    who do you think you are? why arent you in the agency any more? why dont you quit blogging?

    why havent you tried screenwriting? why havent you moved? when are you going to clean up?

    why are you driving that car? what about your hands? what about your health? what about yr hair?

    which was all understandable because it was just the drill digging deep past the bilge into

    the hard material that keeps us down.

    and then this one bubbled up: are you sad the president is a sox fan that wears mom jeans.

    and i laughed and i died in the game cuz i couldnt stop laughing.

  2. Thursday, May 21, 2015

    remember that time we got invited to the white house 

    obamaand we got all dressed up and you said omg lets bring the kids

    and i was all what kids?

    and you said OUR kids and i was like Them? they’re too little. they wont behave and they wont remember anything.

    and you said how many times are we gonna have this chance again. god sometimes i wonder about you

    and i said fine.

    so we dressed them up and you said that wasnt good enough so you ran to the store


    and came home and gave them Another bath

    and got them dressed and we went there

    and the president was super cool about everything

    and then when it was time to go, little sally was like

    no mommy im not leaving. no i like it here. NOOOOOOO!!!

    and the president was all, yeah i have that effect on some people

    and michelle was like seriously?

    and Bo the dog just casually strolled out of the room and down the hall

    and laid down next to the kitchen.

    and the secret service guy was all, i know yr xbi but we’re gonna have to get her out of here

    and i was all, if you tase her, no one will blame you

    and michelle laughed

    and obama laughed

    but i wasnt kidding.

  3. Friday, March 13, 2015
  4. Saturday, November 29, 2014

    Dear Elizabeth Lauten 


    I get you’re in those awful 40something years, you look at your life so far and you think, “wow i’ve sold out for most of my life helping the rich get richer and the poor poorer and the best i can say for myself is I’m the communications director for Rep. Stephen Fincher (R-TN).”

    I understand your frustration of having to try to think of ANYTHING you can to get people to believe that this administration is evil despite the economy miraculously turning around (with no help from Congress), Obamacare being beneficial to millions (and not the end of the world as the GOP promised), the real estate market bouncing back, and even gas prices shrinking.

    So you went to the third rail: you went after the president’s teenage daughters.

    For looking at each other as their dad pardoned a turkey.

    And wearing skirts.


    I get it that when you see other young women you get jealous because you’re no longer young and full of promise.

    But must you attack their mother as well?

    The First Lady’s whole agenda is to attract attention to living a more healthy lifestyle. Somehow that doesn’t fit into your worldview as respecting her position or being a “good role model”?

    I wonder how many of your boss’s opponents’ children you communicate such hate toward.

    Or is it only towards the black ones?

    Try to be a better human being in the second half of your life.

    Step one: write about policy, facts, and the actual politicians the people voted for.

    I’m sure your momma raised you better than this.

  5. Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    is the Internet screwed? no. just the American Internet 

    obama with FCC chairman Wheeler

    all over the world, the web is fine, because in most parts of the world big business isn’t treated like Royalty.

    here in the home of the brave, there’s a political party that pretends that if giant conglomerates aren’t allowed to

    do whatever they damn well please

    then all the jobs will disappear.

    we quickly forget that all of these businesses began as start-ups that filled a hole in the market.

    Apple didn’t need any special treatment when it was competing against IBM, Microsoft, Xerox and countless other giants.

    Apple, omg, invented shit, stuck to their principles of innovation, and for decades struggled before they broke out.

    Now they’re bigger than big, mightier than anyone, and the hottest store in every mall lucky enough to have them.

    Time Warner, Comcast, AT&T and all these other Internet providers and cable companies lie right to our faces

    and tell us that if they are not allowed to slow down web speeds to smaller companies like Netflix and programs like BitTorrent

    then their businesses will falter and omg jobs jobs jobs and profits will magically evaporate.

    now there are a lot of things i like about our president. he turned around the economy

    millions of people now have healthcare. the stock market is breaking records every day.

    and he seems to give a shit about the environment.

    but when he fucks up he does so in such a huge way it’s like he made some weird deal with the GOP

    “i’ll throw you a bone, no matter what it is, a few times a year.”

    even though all they do is try to cockblock him Every. Chance. They. Can.

    for some hairbrained reason Obama named the BFF of the cable industry as the head of the FCC.

    Some douche named Wheeler.

    Wheeler is not going to have some amazing revelation in the near future.

    He’s not going to tell all of his country club brethren that they’re going to have to stop throttling the web.

    He’s going to lie and say he wants to listen to both sides.

    And then he’s going to do exactly what we know he’s going to do.

    Why? Because he is a Scorpion and we are Frogs.

    He can’t help it.

    He and all of his friends are addicted to money.

    And the people who keep voting for this nonsense are addicted to fear and ignorance.

    But I’m not angry. And do you know why?

    Because you cannot stop American ingenuity, particularly when porn is involved.

    The web will be fast one day because teenage boys, the keys to digital technology, won’t stand for slow connections

    to see boobs.

    bless their hearts.

  6. Friday, March 21, 2014
  7. Tuesday, January 21, 2014
  8. Sunday, January 19, 2014
  9. Tuesday, December 10, 2013

    barack obama, diplomat 


    this morning i saw this photo of president barack obama at Nelson Mandela’s tribute chit chatting

    with Denmark’s Prime Minister Helle Thorning Schmidt

    and i couldnt stop looking at michelle obama’s scowl


    even after PM Schmidt made her program totally disappear like David Blaine, FLOTUS was not impressed


    meanwhile the president was seemingly only getting more into whatever jokes she was telling cuz he LOLed like mad


    and then the PM of the UK wanted to get in on it and as Michelle frowned, the world leaders took a selfie for FB


    but soon the fun times were over and it looked like the Danish PM was apologizing for something


    And then Michelle seemed to be saying, watch i can make him disappear just like that, girlfriend


    and poof there was a first lady in between Denmark’s Prime Minister Helle Thorning Schmidt and Barry O


    and then he was making sweet-like to his number one BFF in chief.

    and all was well again.

    thanks but no thanks Denmark!

  10. Saturday, November 23, 2013

    mr cub gets the presidential medal of honor 

    ernie banks and obama

    i was so tired last night and not feeling 100% so i didnt go to katies bday party, i stayed home.

    our office is in this old department store thats being renovated and maybe it was the dust that got in my nose?

    maybe it was the gigantic computer screen that i stared at all week?

    maybe it was the change of seasons (aka rain and cold we had the last couple of days)

    who knows but on friday i left work went to the grocery store and while i was on the phone with sass

    i went to the blood pressure machine and it said i was at 177 over 100 or something

    so i figured that katies party would probably be so fun id have a heart attack so i just stayed home

    today i just lazed aboot too and now i feel fantastic which is good because i have to go to this press club awards tomorrow

    my kingdom for two days off in a row. but you should be careful what you ask for.

    im very grateful to be employed again. so grateful i worked a little late last night and today.

    its fun and interesting work so who cares. id work tomorrow too but its against the bible.

    i havent been this happy in a really long time. i think the happiness killed the would be illness.