busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, September 25, 2011

    im not saying the boss’s daughter is involved in the cix, canadas xbi 

    mounties in ottawa

    but last night she was giggling aboot something and this morning she woke me up
    saying hear that? hear that?
    i said all i hear is a buzzing in my ears cuz its too early o’clock.
    she was like its bagpipes! the official instrument of the cix!
    i was all, who cares about the cix or anything at this hour other than the zzz?
    but shes so cute, america, it was hard not to look at her beaming and jumping around

    and before i knew it i was dressed (if shorts and an AC/DC shirt counts as dressed)
    and when we got out of our hotel room we saw this:

    mounties in ottawa

    i was all wtf. she was like LOL.
    and i said, ok im going back upstairs to bed cuz this is either a nightmare or a dream
    and when i turned around i saw this:

    special agent in canada

    and i looked back at her and she was smiling so bright it was nuts.
    i was all, Lucho’s daughter isnt cix are you?
    and she just kept smiling.
    and i was like, wait are you trying to get me to be part of canadas undercover superheros?

    and she was all i dont even know what youre talking about. and smiled even bigger.
    then this guy turned around and said, i dont know what youre talking abooot either

    cix agent maple

    and then the bagpipes started going again

    bagpipes

    and then the drums, my beloved drums, started beating

    and then the mounties on motorcycles

    picked me up and drove me to a helicopter

    and took me to this castle

    mysterious castle

    where i write you tonight where i am weighing some fascinating options

    and eating poutine.

  2. ottawa blogger party represent! 

    tina h., one of my favorite ottawa bloggers from way back in the day (pictured, left) noticed i was in town and just happened to be throwing a bash mere blocks away from our hotel

    so we decided to run into a liquor store to pick up some brewskis, wine, and champagne

    but guess what America?

    aint no such thing as a liquor store in Ontario – and all the government run operations (The Beer Store, and the LickBO) close around 2:45pm.

    so we had to arrive at the party empty handed.

    no matter, Tina had some fine cuban rum and some excellent conversations already in the hizzy.

    so we talked movies, sports, politics, and the wonders of Ottawa which people for some reason still dont think id be interested in but of course i am, this place rules.

    not only does the city not punish you for wanting to have a bit of a night life,

    but they cleaned up the heroin hang outs underneath the little mini tunnels,

    there’s poutine around almost every corner,

    and the weather has been spectacularly mild if not perfectly warm.

    tinas party had lots of cool folk, really good music, and i loved how everyone took off their shoes once inside the spacious crib.

    not only that but also in attendance was one of the xbi’s first black canadian agents, colin x. (pictured, far right) who i was so excited to meet because i thought he was only someone the agency made up in our training manuals.

    freakin love ottawa!

    earlier in the day we went to the best Indian food place ive ever eaten at, Indian Express, where we had butter chicken and some veggie dishes and some sweet treats.

    the boss’s daughter used to go there as a child and the dude remembered her and stopped cooking to talk with us for a while.

    all over the walls were business cards of all of his famous customers and polticians and wayne gretzky and erryone.

    i was all, whats your secret?

    he was like, dont skimp on the expensive ingredients.

    speaking of famous customers, earlier in the day we went to the Market and they were selling Obama cookies so i had to try one. they tasted like Canada!

    its what Obama ate when he came up here in 2009.

    they still arent over it.

    it was the perfect dessert after our amazing shawarmas.

    but the funniest moment of the day happened right after we left the hotel for a long walk. we saw this homeless dude RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the Ontario Employment agency begging for change

    with some incredibly effective fishing tackle and a bi-lingual sign.

    the LOLs were definitely worth the Looney i flipped him.

  3. Saturday, September 24, 2011

    acknowledge the peeps who built yr castle or else 

    i learned an excellent little tidbit about the Parliament building in Ottawa id like to share.

    apparently when the building was built the dudes who hand crafted the gorgeous structure were not allowed a place to inscribe their names

    the queen or the king or someone was all, no names will be placed on this building except ours.

    so the rascals dutifully obeyed. no names? fine.

    but no one said anything about faces.

    and now everywhere you look smiling, average, blue collar mini sculptures

    peer out at every one who walks by.

    way better than any dumb name, if you ask me.

  4. Friday, September 23, 2011

    you always learn a little more about the USA when you travel abroad 

    and usually it’s not good.

    for example, most americans believe that anyone who doesnt live in america omg totally would do anything to become americans.

    first off, who the hell are we to even call ourselves “americans”. south americans dont call themselves that, central americans dont either, and our fellow north americans – the canadians – sure as hell dont have the gall neither.

    so the first thing i learned recently here in the great white north is that to be an “american” implies having a certain sense of arrogance from the word go.

    not sure how we fix that, but perhaps we can begin by acknowledging it.

    one thing that made me really embarrassed today was seeing our American embassy here in Canadas capital city of Ottawa.

    everyone else from the Saudis to the Kuwaitis to the British have perfectly fine embassies that mind their own business. but the American one, after 9/11, now has all these huge barriers around it. they even went so far as to abscond two lanes of street so no one could park or drive too close to it.

    the home of the brave, even in canada, has turned super dooper paranoid.

    frankly, it’s embarrassing.

    this is a country where the ambassador’s residence overlooks some of the most beautiful real estate in the whole city and where american flags fly any time someone bigtime visits this beautiful town.

    and yet the one place that is actual american soil is barricaded and looks like a cold, sad prison.

    people in canada play american football, there are baseball diamonds everywhere, and our influence can be seen block after block after block.

    one block id like to see changed is the one around our embassy, and soon, because if you were here and if you were from the States you would probably feel just as crappy about it as i do.

  5. its friday it must be poutine time 

    after i gave the cix some reverse psychology to the groin i skipped merrily down Jack Layton blvd to a truck claiming to be the Best poutine, so i had to check it oooot for my breakfast slash lunch

    for some reason i wasnt expecting nice asian people to serve me the ‘tine but hi there they were.

    men and ladies were ordering poutine with hot dogs or poutine a la carte.

    but one thing i liked was they offered Coke or Pepsi.

    the man told me “coke is for Ontarians and Pepsi is for the Quebecois”

    Best Poutine was pretty good, super melty cheese and very very fast service.

    but the best part about the experience?

    when we walked into the bank where i was to make a “withdrawal” i noticed that i was at a Butt Stop

    i couldnt stop LOLing, butt i did long enough to pose for this photographe

    ok now to walk around and say hi to the london bridges which keep falling down

    cuz fergie etc.

  6. canadas xbi is called the cix – they roughed me up this morning 

     

    so i had to visit a canadian doctor who wouldnt ask too many questions and who could fix me in 5 minutes

    so that i could exact revenge.

    as that is my middle name.

    tony revenge busblog degrassi pierce iii

    so i went online and O M G look at frickin CANADAS HEALTH CARE, AMERICANS

    not only is errrything free, but you can see which doc is taking Friday off, which doc is busy

    and which doc only has a FIVE MINUTE WAIT!!!

    needless to say i am repaired, refreshed, they even tested me for sexual diseases (passed with flying colours, natch)

    and now i can go back ooot into the world ready to eat some poutine and see what there is to see

    so what have we learned?

    a) Obamacare isn’t NEARLY agressive enough

    b) people who talk trash about socialized medicine should seriously just jet up across the border and omg TRY IT

    c) im staying here forever

    kthnxbi

  7. Thursday, September 22, 2011

    just got done eating a beaver tail in ottowa, no big deal 

    they kicked us out of kingston for being too loud and not feeding the ducks so we drove up through the forest to canadas capital city ottowa.

    even though it was only a few hours away we first stopped off in belleville to check out the walmart to see if it was any different from the ones in the states, and strangely the Exact same people you’d see at the walmart in the usa you run into at the walmart in canada.

    pretty amazing.

    we bought some bananas and a couple of $5 dvds of films the boss’s daughter hadn’t seen (pulp fiction, caddyshack, the knights tale).

    even though most hotels have wifi, its usually not strong enough to stream Netflix or Amazon so youre better off saving yourself some frustration and just buying cheapie dvds and popping them in when you get bored.

    we havent been very bored but i Had to show this worldly but cinematically-sheltered young lady some of America’s finest exports. today we watched a few minutes of Caddyshack before someone from canadas parliment rang us up and said we should meet them at The Beaver Tail at Byward Market.

    because my mind is in the gutter i thought it was a tad inappropriate to make a first impression via a rendezvous with an elected official at an adult establishment but i went with the flow, cuz who knows, maybe thats how they roll in Canada.

    turned out the Beaver Tail is a place where they sell piping hot long, wide donut type pastries that actually look like a beaver’s tail and theyre topped with chocolate or maple syrup or a variety of delicious sweet things.

    we had lemon and brown sugar on ours and it was warm and mmmmm. they even had cute little bottles of coke to wash them down with which was quite the pickmeup at 10pm, which lead beautifully into a late sushi supper.

    that establishment was called Kinki which was on the ground floor of a four story building. on the upper floors was a gay bar. next door was a strip club. a block away was the American Embassy and a few blocks away from that was Parliment.

    and i was told that Montreal was wild.

    Kinki was pretty good. the salmon was devine and the outside deck was perfectly heated so we could see the happy people come and go down York street.

    btw its amazing how much french people speak to each other here.

    the market area is much bigger than any nightlife bar and restaurant area in LA and it stays up much later than almost anywhere in the states. 10pm was no big deal for many of the dining stops and the locals were not at all interested in calling it a night that early.

    i felt quite at home.

    tomorrow i believe im scheduled to meet the queen, if shes lucky, so ill have to bid adieu a little earlier than id like to. so bonne nuit.