nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, November 9, 2020

    thank you to the angels 

    a vacation, a respite, a time out, a cool down.

    i needed to control alt delete my shhhh

    Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup

    Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup.

    my ma asked if we wanted to use her timeshare in palm springs and so many years ago i complained when she a) bought a time share and b) bought on in palm springs

    but this was, to quote ferris bueller, so choice

    it was an hour and forty minutes from my driveway

    it was haunted

    there were ducks.

    there were clouds above with angels saying we love you tony

    you too, amber.

    the pools were warm the weather was hot

    and after a few days everything cooled down and there was even some drizzle

    but vacation drizzle like youd get in maui

    just enough to clean off the sidewalks so you could draw new, more intense hopscotch games

    amber and i looked each other in the eyes and expressed love for me

    then we watched the election, then we turned off the election, then we turned it back on

    that went on for several days.

    then i turned on the Queens Gambit which may have been the second best decision of the week

    or was it the sale priced salmon from the Palm Desert Albertson’s that had been driven out by Santa Monica Seafood?

    we went back a few days later for another pound.

    ridiculously good.

    sometimes you get to draw a bath and just soak in it.

    lights off

    phone off.

    just you and your stupid thoughts.

    sometimes theres time and space and you get to let those thoughts have a little bit of a life

    but only as long as a bubble at a zoo blown by a child

    then its popped.

    then more arrive.

    then more.

    finally one giant one emerges.

    where did it come from? how did it get here?

    that is not my beautiful thought.

    it’s better.

    the best thing about taking a bath after swimming is the water doesnt get dirty

    you can just sit there for the entirety of the new ariana grande record

    you can try to get bored but you’ll fail.

    all those idealistic thoughts about the future, the present and the past get rolled up like dough and flattened on the cutting board and shaped like race cars.

    amber woke up and saw me floating in the tub and was startled

    are you alive? she asked.

    way more than yesterday.

  2. Sunday, September 20, 2020

    i got what i wanted 

    i wanted to get the hell out of dodge.

    i wanted to recharge my batteries.

    i wanted a second floor suite with a nice view and a cheap price.

    i wanted the air to be so warm that at midnight, topless, you could just lay down on the outside couch and stare at the stars and scribble notes of world domination down in your 19 year old notebook.

    and it didnt want it to cost an arm and a leg

    and i wanted to dangle my feet in a pool

    and i wanted to escape the unhealthy air of LA

    and somehow i wanted to avoid the COVID

    fortunately i know a guy

    technically shes a she and because she remains friends with everyone she works with

    we were able to get a great deal and i used the money ive been socking away every two weeks

    for the last two years

    so i didnt even feel it.

    savings, what a concept.

    we ate well, we stayed up all night, we had the AC up so high it was cold in the room

    a huge novelty for us.

    for a while we would sit outside then sit inside then sit back outside when it got too frosty.

    i was also doing this thing where i wasnt using my phone or going on social media

    the first couple of days were no big deal.

    but then some crazy things happened, and also amber didnt like me running around without a phone.

    she likes to see where i am and she wants to be able to call me if shes in trouble

    or if im in trouble

    which is sweet.

    but it made the experiment harder.

    eventually i got sucked back into social media because it’s amazing and breaks news and teaches me junk.

    but i did learn a lot from this week in regard to social and my phone.

    1. i use it way too much and i can get distracted by it
    2. i waste time fighting with people on it
    3. i dont need it as much as i thought
    4. theres more to life
    5. i concentrate better on things when my phone isnt near me
    6. i miss my momma when i dont have a phone
    7. even though Waze is great, i know how to get there
    8. the Benz navigation is bad but it does the trick
    9. so much of social is personal/professional advertising and not enough support
    10. no phone means no pictures. i loved not having my phone. i didnt love taking fewer pics.

    the most wonderful surprise came at the AAA office about 3 miles from the hotel

    i have had an expired registration for my car since May

    i tried to make it happen via the mails but the DMV has been closed and they said i was late


    so i sent them a second check and a letter saying i thought the mayor said you cant charge me more because the DMVs are all closed

    and they never wrote me back. they didnt say i was late. but they also didnt send me anything.

    i  was in limbo. i was screwed and they wouldnt let me do anything online.

    meanwhile the DMV had 4 hour wait times.

    i knew AAA could help on some things, but when i popped my head in there they were so nice and so prepared for exactly this type of thing, simply via my ID

    $105 later and i had my registration and i was so happy you have no idea.

    i did screw up and brought along some work which is always a good idea when you want to be productive

    but the next time i go i am going to make sure to bring shorts,

    two pairs of socks, two shirts,

    a big portable speaker,

    and my tooth brush

    anything extra is silly.

    we had a spiritual breakthrough too, which maybe we can talk about one day.

  3. Wednesday, September 2, 2020

    if theres one thing my mom likes to talk about it’s the weather 

    she also likes to talk about her timeshare, probably because she knows that its complexities drive me nuts because it makes me feel dumb.

    many moons ago she got a timeshare in Palm Springs.

    and like a bratty kid i whined PALM SPRINGS SOOOO BORING!

    fast forward to three weeks ago and nearly every day i have been scouring the web for a desert getaway.

    my favorite resort out just re-opened and it’s charging $800 for a weekend stay.

    and even though i am in no way that financially stable to blow $800 on two days of snoozing under a palm tree next to a pool i have no intention of dipping into,

    i keep looking at that price to see if i could will it to shrink.

    i paid $400 a month to live in a closet in Isla Vista in a huge house next to the beach.

    people would say you pay $400 for THIS?

    and i would walk them up to our second floor deck and say, no, i pay $400 for that.

    and gesture at the pacific whose waves would crash one after another to the sound of








    the purpose of life is to live it.

    to wring it out at the end of the day,

    put it on a hook


    sleep the sleep of the just


    and strap it on the next day.


    but you do need that rest.


    you do need to recharge.


    some things are priceless.


    and other things cost $800


    plus food.

  4. Wednesday, August 12, 2020

    a lovely person asked me to remove her mentions from this blog 

    of course i obliged, who wouldn’t? and it was not the first time this has happened.

    this old thing is nearly 20 years old. something i have a hard time believing myself.

    and the things that you might agree to back in the day or the pictures you may have snapped and sent may not be the ones you want up forever and ever amen.

    that does not surprise me.

    what surprised me was how often i wrote about her or linked to her blog.

    she was very good at blogging and was an inspiration to me, in part because she was just

    so damn cool.

    even in my greatest moments i havent been that cool.

    when people are like that i want to study it.

    i want to find the ingredients.

    i want to bottle the seven herbs and spices.

    are there times when i think i should just get rid of this thing, shut it down, close up shop, erase all of this from the sight of the sun?


    but that’s exactly what the devil would want.

    and this is and has always been my joyful noise to the Lord.

  5. Monday, May 13, 2019

    sometimes you just have to go to palm springs 

    and get one of those rooms that has a fireplace next to the tv

    and a patio with another fireplace

    overlooking one of 122 pools, and 121 hot tubs

    you should get there before traffic gets busy

    and before it gets too hot out there

    and before your gf no longer can get that room there for peanuts

    you should

    then you should go to trader joes and get her salad mixins

    bubbly water, fine cheeses, chocolate

    and some mexicokes

    you should also probably go to the in n out and get a double double with a chocolate swirl shake

    and if someone asks how you gonna pay for all this

    you should say shhhhhh shhhhhh

    cuz sometimes you just should

    sometimes you should just let life be life and death be death and all the things in between just be more in between days, mr smith go east, man

    we wont always be here. we wont always be poor. we wont always be rich, we might not always be together

    but right now we are

    and right now the things are nice and the baby lizards climb the white walls outside skirting this way and that

    with the sun peeking out behind fluffy clouds, birds darting from one palm tree to another

    and the toughest thing you gotta think about all day is

    whats the perfect record to play

    hey siri, what should i play?

    hey siri, did i pack my razor?

    hey siri how long does it take for shorts to dry because i didnt pack my swim trunks

    hey siri are there jobs out here cuz this is super nice.

  6. Tuesday, October 23, 2018

    heres how you make me so happy 

    let me drive into the desert after a close Bears game

    with you.

    lets stop off at Trader Joes for everything that’ll fit in a mini fridge.

    it’s almost 5pm? maybe we can get into a 5pm mass after we check in.

    because amber works where she does and its connected to this resort, we only have to pay a fraction of the downright reasonable $400 a night stay in whats called a Starlight Castilla.

    it’s called that because it’s everything a regular room gets you, plus you have your own staircase that leads to a private outdoor deck that includes a cool couch and even cooler outdoor fireplace.

    inside the room is plush, a second fireplace is next to the tv. french windows, carpet, flat screen tv, tile bathroom with a separate shower and bath tub.

    outside there are 41 pools and 41 hot tubs. some bigger than others. each just a little stroll away, so lets say a beautiful young woman with tattoos and a frosty margarita slides into your late night dip, you can escape to a nearby empty hot tub because it’s Sunday, not Sinday, Becky.

    there are many magical things about the desert. the heat is calming, the wind plays with the fronds of the palm trees, the sky is unblemished blue and then black at night. the stars come out one after another to say happy birthday.

    even the lobby of the La Quina Resort smells otherworldly yet somehow familiar. we heard bad things about the mexican restaurant and since neither of us were interested in $20 drinks, we drove and drove towards Palm Springs proper looking for dinner.

    thai? maybe, but we live in Thai Town, Chinese? maybe. italian? sure. and as we were at one of the super long stop lights i turned to amber and said, i could go for anything, even a Red Lobster.

    we laughed. she put Red Lobster into Waze and it was a block away. so we went for it. endless shrimp? endless yes!

    amber is like me, down for pretty much whatever. especially if it is cheesy and probably not the things you “should” do on you 199th birthday. we ate four different kinds of shrimp (regular was the best), devoured those biscuits, ordered sides of broccoli and mashed potatoes, drank pop like kids and ducked out before they could surprise me with a desert and a song.

    amber: but but

    me: xbi can’t have his spot blown up like that

    amber: but

    drove home, the hotel had delivered a nice box of chocolate covered pretzels. the hot tubs were used. the deck was used. the fireplace was turned on and janes addiction’s three days oozed from my wireless speaker. we fell asleep to the grateful dead. gratefully.

    in the morning we packed and said hi to Coachella, which was surprisingly open, so amber rolled around in the grass and told me the sad tale of when she was last there.

    we drove down the freeway back to LA but were starving and i saw these billboards for a vegas style buffet at a nearby casino.

    almost went to in n out but amber loves salad and the good thing about buffets are their salad bars.

    first we stopped off at the dinosaurs from Pee Wees Big Adventure and went into the brontosaurus gift shop and got some gifts.

    then at the casino we met a woman with a tiara that said “it’s my birthday!” i approached her and her daughters (?) and said it’s MY birthday! they said, “she’s 90 today!” i said but IM 90 today!

    we took a picture. she was so tiny it was awesome and she did not look 90 at all. so full of life. such a good sign. proof that one should hang out more in casinos. i mean in the desert. i mean with loved ones.

    and people who understand the value of subtleties

    and down to earth strangers.

    i think that resort is my new favorite.

  7. Tuesday, April 10, 2018

    for some reason amber and i rarely get time off at the same time 

    she likes to get to work an hour early and stay an hour early

    and she likes to take the bus to work

    then on her days off shes either working out at the yoga studio

    or hiking or volunteering or going to baby showers

    so believe it or not we are rarely alone for long periods of time.

    but yesterday was supposed to be the Cubs home opener

    and ever since i was a boy i would either negotiate a day off with my mom or steam in the classroom like a pouty lad.

    you see back in the day the cubs only played day games when they were at home, so…

    so i got the day off at work and she realized she had sunday and monday off too so i said hey lets take advantage of your hotel discount

    and we shuffled off to palm springs because we wanted somewhere warm where we could lay out by the pool and just relax and hold hands and sleep in and braid each others hair.

    one thing that is pretty fascinating about us is neither of us have much of an agenda when traveling or not traveling. amber likes to eat soup and salads while drinking all the tea in china.

    and i like to drive, drink a coke, and eat the most disgusting things man can create. other than that anything goes. so we had a pretty great time just walking around, driving around, and checking out as many hotels as we could so we would know where to stay on our next journey.

    even though amber works at the waldorf we stayed at the miramonte because it was like 30% cheaper. but when we visited the waldorf palm springs we saw that it was 10x cooler looking in real life than it was in the pictures. also it has 40 little pools. so that may make it into the blog at some point in the future if i dont bore amber with my nonsense.

    speaking of nonsense, the cubs got Snowed out on their opening day and it got moved to today but neither of us felt it would have been responsible to also take today off so i will suffer a little.

    but the trip was so good that i will do so with a smile on my face.

  8. Monday, May 26, 2014

    xbi was all we gotta get you out of LA for a day 


    i was like 1) i dont even work for you any more and 2) knock knock there was a knock on my door

    and your bff ali was at the door wearing daisy dukes holding a picnic basket saying

    we gotta get you out of LA for a day

    and before the sun set i was in a place i aint never been a’fore: mt. st. helens washington


    i mean little big horn, montana.

    i was all ali isn’t montana like way far away? i feel like we only drove for an hour an a half.

    she was like shhhh just go with it. why you always gotta be so literal.

    the long cross country drive made me thirsty so we went into the local establishment

    Pappy and Harriet’s Pioneer Town Palace.

    because of the holiday and our lack of plans the woman up front told us there would be a two hour wait for a table

    but if somehow we could find a barstool we could eat at the bar

    that sounded like a fun game so we went to the bar and

    wait a durn second

    is that

    could it be


    no not the rack of ribs just bbq’ing over the open fire

    smelling delicious and looking amazing



    no way




    are my eyes deceiving me?

    victoria williams who wrote such songs as This Moment, Love, Shoes, TC, You Are Loved, Big Fish, Lights, Crazy Mary

    played none of those as far as i heard, but it was still fantastic,

    heres a lil taste of the night, i believe this is Sweet Virginia from some brit poppers:

    did i mention it was free?




    afterwards we wanted to go fishing or play a bassoon but no  one was around to help


    but we did meet two flamboyant young gentlemen who loved us so much they bought us a couple of shots

    that was nice.

    as per mr ken laynes recommendation i ordered the catfish poboy and a side of mac n cheese

    young ali ordered the tacos

    we each had a mason jar of the Corvette Summer which sounded better than it tasted

    but whateves it did the job and before we knew it the jetpacks flew us over to palm springs where we woke up

    and ate at the ace hotel diner


    heres a few things you should know about me: i always try to stay as positive as possible


    i love taking pictures of people


    i hate having pictures taken of me


    and if green eggs and ham are on the menu im gonna order some damn green eggs and ham.

    happy memorial day america.

    tell your momma you love her.

  9. Saturday, May 13, 2006

    its 344am 

    me and lindsay im in palmsprings. theres a gorgeous young tanned girl in my kingsized bed. im tured im drunk. im super tired. i just hurled my dinner. she dint care. i have had both amazing good luck and bad luck while she was here and it seems like she didnt care either way. i dont understand it. seu jorge is playing.

    on friday night we met up with all the canadian and alabama and california bloggers who were at the formosa. it was super nice. im sick. i couldnt be as bubly as i wanted to. ive been sick for two months now. wtf. i hadnt been sick in years now its making up for lost time. im blowing my gnose constantly. im puking all the time. im probably pregnant. i had to check that the girl didnt have a penis again this morning.

    we drove to palm springs in record time. they had rented out a whole motel complex. a sweet one story building with individuall little suites all surrounding a pool and a hot tub. Silly pplayed. theyre coulter, welch, mcilvane, os, brendan and solomon. they were incredible. all covers. feel like making love, love removal machine, white wedding, etc etc etc. american girl. even though i was illin i stood the whole time in amazement. my friends are the best.

    when they were done one of heathers friends make a fake true hollywood story film about them. it was amazingly good.

    the wedding ceremony was great too. bill, heathers husband, has a 8-9 yr old son. he plays keyboards really well. he played here comes the bride and then started playing the imperial death march as heather walked down the aisle. the whole wedding was funny like that. heather cried during her vows. it was cute.

    after the movie i djed for a few hours while everyone twisted by the pool and the dancefloor. then i loaded up a mellow mix and soaked in the hottub for a good hour. now this hot babe is laying next to me and you cant really spoon a girl after youve hurled. even if youre a blogger. i brushed my teeth a bunch and now im sucking on a cough drop. when you see a guy with a hot girl it doesnt mean theyre doing what you think theyre doing. we talk about so many things. she would totally be my friend if she lived here. she lies and says she likes me back but people from the midwest are very sweet.

    in the minifridge there were some slices of cpk that the last people in here noshed on last night, i had a few bites of a bbq chicken slice. and took a few sips of a 7up. i know what its like to be a teenage girl now. its not hot. and this blog is down so this will be the first time i ever post to my blog and have no idea what it looks like. maybe this is how it is for stevie wonder. it was over 100 degrees here today.

    jeff whalen showed up in a fake moustache and wore it all night.