one day the cubs were playing the philadephia phillies and for some reason i was at the game.
i dont know why but i didnt hate pete rose. if anything i was on the fence about him because he had never hurt the cubs, and he beat the AL in the world series all the time i bet on him.
later in his career they moved him over to first base and in the first inning, after the cubs had made their last out on a ground out, Pete spiked the ball super hard in the grass and it rolled over to the mound
and everyone booed like crazy.
and i thought this is the greatest thing ever.
because you can get people to react when you get a hit or snare a line drive, or bowl over their catcher or injure their shortstop
but who knew you rile them up a second after the inning was over?
this, the game pretty boy Bryce Harper thinks is boring.
your obsession with hair care products are boring, Bryce, not the national pasttime.
there was never anything boring about Pete Rose, not when he was in the box, on the bases, or running off the field to a torrent of summertime chicago hate.
so of course he would autograph a baseball to Donald Trump.
for the right price he’ll autograph a baseball to you
and he’ll write anything youd like him to say
and run straight to the bank with that goofy smile of his
A: Mom jeans, chewy chips ahoys, left handed scissors
Q: If you could shadow any designer for a day, who would it be?
A: Betsey Johnson
Q: Would you be a better center fielder for the Nats or point guard for the Wizards?
A: Hitting a baseball is nearly impossible at the professional level. That’s why we should forgive Pete Rose. I’d put him on the $3 bill if I could.
Q: How do you handle stressful situations and working under pressure?
A: The first job I ever had I got paid $3.35 an hour to mop puke (and worse) out of a McDonald’s bathroom. All jobs since then have paid more and were far more fun. Any time I feel stress at work I think this is still more fun than that.
Q: What was the first Grateful Dead song to really flip your wig?
A: I’ve always been fascinated by Friend of the Devil. It was playing in the car when i was little and my mom turned it off. Is it wicked? Is it super loving? Who knows? Recently I heard Tom Petty cover it in LA and I thought it was fantastic.
ive been drinking this whiskey called Red Breast, i was gonna get everyone shots of Jameson but this dude was all, get Red Breast it’ll make Jameson feel like a dirty ho. So i went to the bar and ordered up a bunch and while the bartender was pouring it
and keep in mind this was a fancy place, no sneakers no cubs hats, the types of joints i dont regularly frequent.
so i go so is this hootch any good?
and he looks up and says makes Jameson taste like spent jet trash.
and id say yes it is way smoother than Jameson, but it has this magical ability to just guide you to a happy place instead of rushing you there.
and once there my friend you’ll say yes to pretty much anything.
the Dems should break some out in Congress.
Monkey: What do you do when the things that are supposed to be good for you are only presented by the universe in ways that are bad for you?
the reason you should send your kids to party schools is the answer to this question.
lets say youre a college aged kid. someone lets say too young to drink legally. and youve got all these pressures on you, and youre broke, and you have a girlfriend but you realize youre in a party school surrounded by sexually awaking beautiful young cohorts. and almost at every party you discover something new in the categories of sex booze rock.
and lets say you are also learning from the masters about the masters in art war poetry science and red tape.
and then lets say something gnarly happens while youre out of your mind, not because youre drunk or anything, but because your heart just got broke for the first time and this is a downer that a good nights sleep after a barfing wont cure.
in the pit you discover certain truths.
and in the party they come to life.
and they usually revolve around one theme
rock rock n dont ever stop.
you’ll never learn that in dartmouth.
Wesley: tony do you listen to the only band that matters?
one of the Buddhas preached from a whorehouse. he argued that if enlightenment could be attained anywhere, then why waste time in a stuffy temple.
while i appreciate his idealism, i doubt you’ll ever find me in a place like that, but i think there can be spiritual moments from any band.
even bands with bad intentions or limited skills.
this morning im listening to the Smiths, MGMT, Titus Androgmafopdspoiao, Weezer, Gaga, and Pavement.
MGMT will not go down in history, but watching Rivers so contently dancing around to Kids reminds us
Although it was great to ask Hugh Hefner questions about Tiger Woods and Jesse James at the mansion,
and even though I loved interviewing Bruce Willis at the Roosevelt Hotel and asking him if his vodka takes off would he consider expanding to wine, and if he did would he come out with a Yippe Chianti;
we’ll ive competed in a few half marathons. and this is how i made it past the first 10 miles, which to me are the hardest because theyre the easiest and it f’s up what the last few do to you.
i pretend theres an in n out burger at the finish line. a double double with cheese. and theres only one left on the planet
and if i eat it the aliens wont blow us up, indeed they will keep us around because no other universe was crazy enough to spend all that water to feed all those cows to produce something we’d market as hamburger.
1. abraham lincoln, freed the slaves
2. chuck berry, invented rock and roll
3. elvis presley, embodied rock and roll
4. bob dylan, legitimized rock and roll
5. hugh hefner, embodied the american dream
6. martin luther king jr., legitimized america
7. muhammed ali, greatest of all times
8. benjamin franklin, did it all
9. jackie robinson, legitamized baseball
10. michael jordan, set the standard of excellence
11. charles bukowski, greatest american poet
12. j.d. salinger
13. frank sinatra
14. les paul
15. jimi hendrix
16. philo t. farnsworth
17. henry ford
18. bill gates
20. larry flynt
21. norman lear
22. harry caray
23. bill veeck
24. willie mays
25. mark twain
26. howard stern
27. hank williams sr.
28. johnny cash
29. john coltrane
30. john f kennedy
31. louis armstrong
32. magic johnson
33. charles mingus
34. charles r. drew
35. ted turner
36. jack daniels
37. eli whitney
38. pete rose
39. edward r. murrow
40. george hallas
41. william t. sherman
42. thomas jefferson
43. thomas edison
44. henry aaron
45. fredrick douglass
46. the wright bros
47. steven speilberg
48. benjamin banneker
49. timothy leary
50. jesse owens
51. matt groening
52. lenny bruce
53. richard pryor
54. sammy davis jr.
55. evil knievel
56. ron popeil
57. tiger woods
58. spike lee
59. kurt vonnegut
60. ernest hemingway
61. jerry garcia
62. steve dahl
63. tom dowd
64. walter payton
65. johnny carson
66. howard cosell
67. bill murray
69. bill clinton
70. babe ruth
71. miles davis
72. chris berman
73. lewis & clark
74. chick hearn
75. rick rubin
76. robert oppenheimer
77. the sugar hill gang
78. john belushi
79. col. harland sanders
80. charlie parker
81. thelonious monk
82. kurt cobain
83. berry gordy
84. mike royko
85. tom waits
86. quentin tarantino
87. al davis
88. pt barnum
89. duke ellington
90. andy warhol
91. buster keaton
92. doc ellis
93. mel blanc
94. hunter s. thompson
95. branch rickey
96. steve jobs
97. ev williams
98. eddie rickenbacher
99. william carlos williams
100. rodney bingheimer