nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, June 1, 2012

    never underestimate the internet 

    apparently a comic book company has decided that a fictional character is gay

    so they announced it today and this otherwise unknown morality group, One Million Moms,

    wrote on their facebook wall a warning about the news. hilarity ensued:

    i heart facebook

    god bless the web.

    meanwhile their sister brother site, One Million Dads, appear to be slackers

    in the last three years they have only had four things bother them,

    and one is playboy being sold in 7-11s. thats all youve got, dads?

  2. Sunday, May 27, 2012

    hugh hefner is 86 and is having more fun that you are this Sunday 

    hef on Sunday

    i look at some people and i think, i could do that.

    ive never said that about Hef.

    here he is well along the back nine of life and he’s still got it.

    when i was in vegas a few weeks ago they told me at the Palms that theyre gonna shut down the Playboy Club soon and i was all well no duh

    cuz who cares about Playboy if Hef isn’t fully involved?

    just like who’s gonna care about the mansion once he isn’t there any more?

    im sure his sons are fine and his daughter they say is one reason the magazine is still afloat

    but if a party is going on there without the patriarch on the grounds

    i’d hesitate to call it official.

    LA is so much better with Hef.

    i think thats why God keeps him here.

  3. Saturday, October 25, 2008

    dear canadah 

    you know i love you, right? you know i think of you fondly whenever hockey season starts – when does it start, btw?

    you know i love your rock stars and values and party mentalities. i love your cabins and your poutine, and all of your kickass bloggers.

    well, last night i met the 2008 playboy playmate of the year and shes from a tiny town north of TO and shes in her early 20s and looks younger, she has a tattoo right above her yahoo and it says Respect. in goth. and i love her almost as much as i love you.

    i was at the mansion for their annual haunted house. i dont know why. maybe they liked my scary mask. anyways i got to meet a half dozen playmates and i got to interview them. i even got to interview 2/3s of the girls next door and mr hefner himself.

    i learned a lot about the change of seasons at the mansion, including the fact that hef not only has two new girlfriends who are twins (one is named karissa), but he has two more, cuz why not?

    they had the whole mansion decked out with crazy lights and scary monsters and look someone dressed up like amy winehouse!

    they had funny tombstones everywhere. crazy crashing sounds. and a killer haunted house.

    i got to interview pretty much anyone i wanted. everyone was super nice and funny.

    but, friends, when i got to interview hef, hero to all men, i swallowed my tongue, so to speak, i froze up, i got cold feet, i saw the legend and i was blinded.

    i may have access now to some legendary people and places. even more than ever before. but i have a lot to learn about being a good reporter, especially on video. but if you will be patient with me i promise to learn from these mistakes and kick ass next time.

    reporting from heaven, tony

  4. Monday, February 27, 2006

    don knotts is dead 

    and he never got to see the cubs win the world series. don knotts is dead and he never got to see ac/dc play for the president of the united states. don knotts is dead and he never got to see Tsar get a grammy.

    bono is singing bullet the blue sky and i wonder if don knotts ever saw U2.

    i saw don knotts get out of a limo at the gas station i worked at 19 years ago and he looked old as fuck then. with him was former playboy playmate barbie benton and she was falling out of her dress and i was very curious if she was falling out of it because of don knotts or because she had a loose fitting dress.

    either way when he climbed out of the limo and asked if our bathrooms were open i said yes even though i had just given them a nice sweep and a mop so they could be closed.

    then i worried that he would slip and die and it would be all my fault but he was floating on air riding around in a limo with barbie benton so he didnt die till 19 years later.

    when i was a kid we didnt have this fancy cable tv that you people have. we got whatever stations came in clear thanks to whatever antennae we had attatched. if you were at your grandmas house you were lucky if she even had an antennae so odds were if you were at her house over the holidays or stuck at some cousins house or some friend of your mom’s you were bound to watch a heaping helping of some beverly hillbillies and or the andy griffith show.

    in many ways those were simpler times, however in more ways those were times that made you want to stick your head into an oven. i firmly believe that silvia plath would be around today if they had the internet around back then. and better crazy pills.

    instead all they had were a handful of tv stations, far too many black and white shows, and no music videos. people who say television bores them get a nice stomp on the foot if they say it to me.

    so don knotts, dude who made threes company funnier than expected, dude who wasnt allowed to carry a loaded weapon when he was the deputy in mayberry because he had accidentally shot himself in the leg, dude who was a very convincing fish

    dude we will miss you and im glad you didnt split your head open at my gasstation back in the 80s when you were showing us all how its done.