xbi said we need you to go to american apparel hq


i was all, no can do im on vacation.

they said how can you be on vacation if you’re not working for them and not working for us?

i said, i believe you just defined vacation to the t.

they were all, then this is perfect because you dont have to do anything. just take her out to dinner, maybe a drink afterwards.

let me tell you something about “dont have to do anything”, i told the xbi. im on a personal investigation as to the limits and mystical side effects and benefits of doing Nothing, and arranging a time with a stranger, and a place, and things to do or not do, all go against the basic principles of Nothing. once again you seem to have issues with the definitions of words.

then they said something about no strings attached which made me hang up the phone because with them theres always strings attached in some way.


because Nothingness leads to Everythingness her name was Ana she was from Montreal and we ate poutine in Westwood that night. she was the first to spot the canadian and quebecois flags.


because i’m a dorky ugly american i had a Canadian, and because she’s classy she had white wine


the poutine, it was amazing. we had shaved duck, creamy beef, and traditional. the curds were imported from Wisconsin because for some reason Californian dairies don’t produce cheese curds. Say what?


the owner of the place, Soleil, is from Montreal and made half of his bistro dedicated to poutine. we of course mistakenly sat on the fancy wrong side and when we didn’t see one mention of poutine on the menu he politely walked us over to the correct side and we were amazed by the poutine menu and the fact that you could order a threesome of poutines ($19) of any flavor they had. my fave was the shaved duck.


afterwards we drove down sunset blvd and she said lets complete the french theme and have a drink at the chateau marmount. i said id never been there. she said but youve lived here longer than ive been alive. i said i know! she said why? i said i dont know, maybe cuz parking is so bad.


so we drank Chimay (moi) wine (la) and now i have two new favorite haunts.

this is a post i wrote in the past and scheduled for the future

bad tummy

hi future. hope things are going well at 12:22pm.

yesterday at lunch i had some bad fish. i got it at this sushi place where the food is on little boats.

the boats float around the place and you grab a little dish and eat it and say ahhhhhhh.

sadly after few hours the stomach and the fish were all AHHHHHHHHHH

and i had to leave work about an hour earlier than i wanted to.

b/c every time i stood up i got dizzy and i felt like my face was turning green.

my belly and i have a weird relationship. always has.

when i was a kid it didnt like hardly anything in it. during college i weighed like 120 pounds.

i could barely eat a whole slice of pizza.

but soon after college everything was coolio so i ate EVERYTHING. but now i have a gut.

some of the ladies dont mind. in fact some think its sexy. but of course most dont. nor do i.

so last night when all my belly would tolerate was saltines that was fine cuz i did eat a bit in vegas.

however this morning during my morning constitutional it was a bit odd to smell crackers again.

in the last year the worst my stomach ever felt was in the photo above when etienne and i were eating poutine at mcdonalds

we were up to something. it was secret. even though im xbi, i really dont like secrets and my belly Hates them.

and all that cheese and gravy and french fries and happiness and stress and pre stress made me cray.

strangely i miss all of that, future.

probs b/c im cray times a zillion.

the lottery is 241 million dollars

mega million

figure fifty million goes to taxes

and any good Christian gives half to charity

and half of that to their mom

191 / 2 = 95.5 / 2 = 47.75

any good College of Creative Studies grad gives $8 million to CCS

and even if you bought a couple $3 million dollar houses here

and one in canada, you’d still have $30 million to live off of

and start a poutinery in echo park.

and of course buy back the rights to all of Tsar’s records

and come out with a remastered box set.

a look back at 2011, september

sept 1, we have a little earthquake, KTLA shows their twitter feed. apparently Dirty Sanchez is a viewer

sept 4, im still unemployed so karisa and her family get me sloshed near the beach

sept 7, i interviewed for a job at a giant cable network. we agreed to disagree. but it was fun.

sept 8, san diego has a huge blackout. they blame one electrical worker. i call bs

sept 9, we are reminded how far away the GOP has drifted from their bff Ronald Reagan in many regards, including immigration and building a fence on the Mexican border

sept 10, the xbi catches wind that i am considering a trip to canada. and they try to disuade me from going because they know i may be accompanied in part by the leader of the xbi’s daughter.

xbi: tony, seriously you cannot do this. there will be trouble at the border.

tony: we wont have any troubles, any where.

xbi: you’ll have trouble in the South.

tony: we’re not going to the South.

xbi: we know you’re going directly to the South.

tony: then make sure we wont have trouble.

(there ended up being trouble)

sept 11, tenth anniversary of 9/11. these kids make me cry

sept 12, second interview at kpcc. they feed me croissants and apple juice (my faves)

sept 13, andy malcolm, my blogging buddy and one of the main reasons we had huge success at blogs at the LA Times, leaves the paper to blog for someone else.

sept 14, i head to canada. i let two hippies housesit my crib. omg omg awaits

sept 15, hola toronto. hola canadian version of the xbi (the cix). hello snow?

sept 16, for some reason in montreal they insist that you parlez vous

sept 17, im allowed a canadian cix copter so i fly back to TO to have sushi with lowercasecarmen – who is even more delightful than when i first met her in BC

sept 18, the boss’s daughter and i experience trouble at the border. we get a luxury suite in niagra falls, consider getting married, instead spend much of the evening laughing and laughing and laughing.

sept 19, there are funny signs in niagra falls

sept 20, mcdonalds poutine is way better than youd think.

sept 21, the xbi doesnt like that im flying canadian copters, spending much time in niagra falls, or refusing to respond to their esp communiques. whatevs

sept 22, we fly to ottawa and sample kfc poutine which is even better than mcdonalds’

sept 23, food truck poutine aint bad either i discover, but the cix poison me so i have to see a doctor… which is free and a 5 minute wait

sept 24, ottawa is funny. and i see that the USA doesnt always export well.

sept 25, omg ottawa house party – shwarmas and obama cookies, what a day

sept 26, the CIX shows themselves to be polite and well dressed but a tad creepy. so we decide to peace out. the cix then have a party for me.

sept 26, someone sends a limo. dude says where ya wanna go. i say is this free? he says yep. i say, how about quebec. dude says fine. allon-z

sept 27, quebec city turns out to be my favorite everything. the cix put me up at the Lowes, feed me the most delicious foods and booze, its so warm i decide to flash the paparazi. im in love with everything.

sept 28, “one place the xbi wont follow you into is in a church”. and its crazy beautiful.

sept 30, even mall poutine makes me love everything. its super nuts. i fall completely and totally for canada. so the xbi forces me to go home.

its friday it must be poutine time

after i gave the cix some reverse psychology to the groin i skipped merrily down Jack Layton blvd to a truck claiming to be the Best poutine, so i had to check it oooot for my breakfast slash lunch

for some reason i wasnt expecting nice asian people to serve me the ‘tine but hi there they were.

men and ladies were ordering poutine with hot dogs or poutine a la carte.

but one thing i liked was they offered Coke or Pepsi.

the man told me “coke is for Ontarians and Pepsi is for the Quebecois”

Best Poutine was pretty good, super melty cheese and very very fast service.

but the best part about the experience?

when we walked into the bank where i was to make a “withdrawal” i noticed that i was at a Butt Stop

i couldnt stop LOLing, butt i did long enough to pose for this photographe

ok now to walk around and say hi to the london bridges which keep falling down

cuz fergie etc.