nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 27, 2012

    let the hollow points commence to pop pop pop 

    next month is the 20th anniversary of The Chronic.

    even though i felt i had been there forever, 20 years ago i was still new to the xbi

    so they sent me to new orleans for some, uh, training.

    jeanine and i were super in love so i brought her, against their wishes

    but whatevs, everything worked out. and today jeanine reminisced on facebook

    I’m finally getting caught up on my LA Weekly reading, re: “The Making of the Chronic” article. Somewhere there exists a VHS tape of me n’ Tony on a Spring Break vay-cay, in the one and only town of Gretna, LA, on our way to the French Quarter, listening to Dr. Dre’s just-released album. During the course of eight days,we had Popeye’s Chicken, tried Hurricanes and muffalettas for the first time, went to that restaurant where they filmed the Folger’s Coffee commercial, ate beignets at Cafe Du Monde, and in the midst of many downright tropical rainstorms, found a killer guitar shop that had a super awesome Herb Ellis ES-165 Gibson, vintage sunburst (I think) that I actually got to play for a while, a la Joe Pass style. Throughout, we agreed that The Chronic was a totally freakin’ awesome album.

    today she told me the nicest thing:

    we’ve known each other longer than we havent known each other

    humble brag: a few years ago Geoff Boucher took me to meet Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine. apparently they had decided that they were going to get into the headphones business. beats by dre or something crazy. they wanted geoff to listen to them. so he brought me.

    i got to meet everyone, i listened to the headphones. i handed them over to geoff

    and then i took this picture:

    proof that real life is often stonier than the green stuff.

    sometimes moreso in retrospect.

  2. Thursday, September 27, 2012

    lil wayne is my spirit guide 

    he has turned the american justice system on its badunkadunk

    the threatens the prosecutor to his face on camera in front of the judge


    thats how gangsta he is.

    you know that reggae guy Chingy? dudes names not Chingy

    its Montgomery.

    he has a monocle and an unironic ivory cane with a gold tip.

    he pretends to be Chingy.

    Lil Wayne is not pretending. Thats why he cant remember anything.

    that’s why he psycic.

    thats why girls love to dance to him.

    thats why Nikki Minaj wants to be the female Weezey.

    and thats why this video is going viral right now

    because so many people are so phony baloney full of macaroni

    that we’ve forgotten what its like to keep it real when the pressures on.

    Wayne feels no pressure.

    For pressure is not real.

  3. Wednesday, February 22, 2012
  4. Wednesday, February 8, 2012

    karisa was all lets do something we aint never done 


    i was all screw that hippie!

    she was like all we ever do is the same thing: eat drink be merry. im bored!

    i was like me too, this weathers boring, yr pretty hairs boring, this jay-z and kanyes boring, this fast car’s boring!

    she was all why are we yelling!!!!

    karisa and i are workaholics. we’re gonna die before we die.

    and still at 930pm we looked fantastic. especially me.

    all summer ive been playing around with this beard. i dont know what to do.

    when i had a secret girlfriend i grew it, now ive got a makebelieve fiance so i grew it.

    karisa btw hates that i dont take facebook seriously. hates it. called me names about it.

    she was all lie in yr blog if you want, but facebook is for serious.

    i said the only thing serious is how seriously imma eat that crazy sushi deal that has

    little baby eggs with a quail egg on top.

    she said imma drink that sake and beer and sake and beer and sake

    and soon we had forgotten whatever idealistic dreams we had

    and just went back to the same ole boring same ole merriment

    and drove home listening to kelly clarkson

  5. Friday, January 31, 2003

    Public Enemy 

    It Takes A Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back

    Def Jam Records

    “Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos”

    I got a letter from the government

    The other day

    I opened and read it

    It said they were suckers

    They wanted me for their army or whatever

    Picture me given a damn I said never

    Here is a land that never gave a damn

    About a brother like me and myself

    Because they never did

    I wasn’t wit’ it but just that very minute…

    It occured to me

    The suckers had authority

    Cold sweatin’ as I dwell in my cell

    How long has it been?

    They got me sittin’ in the state pen

    I gotta get out – but that thought was thought before

    I contemplated a plan on the cell floor

    I’m not a fugitive on the run

    But a brother like me begun – to be another one

    Public enemy servin’ time – they drew the line y’all

    To criticize me some crime – never the less

    They could not understand that I’m a Black man

    And I could never be a veteran

    On the strength, the situation’s unreal

    I got a raw deal, so I’m goin’ for the steel

    They got me rottin’ in the time that I’m servin’

    Tellin’ you what happened the same time they’re throwin’

    4 of us packed in a cell like slaves – oh well

    The same motherfucker got us livin’ is his hell

    You have to realize – what its a form of slavery

    Organized under a swarm of devils

    Straight up – word’em up on the level

    The reasons are several, most of them federal

    Here is my plan anyway and I say

    I got gusto, but only some I can trust – yo

    Some do a bid from 1 to 10

    And I never did, and plus I never been

    I’m on a tier where no tears should ever fall

    Cell block and locked – I never clock it y’all

    ‘Cause time and time again time

    They got me servin’ to those and to them

    I’m not a citizen

    But ever when I catch a C-O

    Sleepin’ on the job – my plan is on go-ahead

    On the strength, I’ma tell you the deal

    I got nothin’ to lose

    ‘Cause I’m goin’ for the steel

    You know I caught a C-O

    Fallin’ asleep on death row

    I grabbed his gun – then he did what I said so

    And everyman’s got served

    Along with the time they served

    Decency was deserved

    To understand my demands

    I gave a warnin’ – I wanted the governor, y’all

    And plus the warden to know

    That I was innocent –

    Because I’m militant

    Posing a threat, you bet it’s fuckin’ up the government

    My plan said I had to get out and break north

    Just like with Oliver’s neck

    I had to get off – my boys had the feds in check

    They couldn’t do nuthin’

    We had a force to instigate a prison riot

    This is what it takes for peace

    So I just took the piece

    Black for Black inside time to cut the leash

    Freedom to get out – to the ghetto – no sell out

    6 C-Os we got we ought to put their head out

    But I’ll give ’em a chance, cause I’m civilized

    As for the rest of the world, they can’t realize

    A cell is hell – I’m a rebel so I rebel

    Between bars, got me thinkin’ like an animal

    Got a woman C-O to call me a copter

    She tried to get away, and I popped her

    Twice, right

    Now who wanna get nice?

    I had 6 C-Os, now it’s 5 to go

    And I’m serious – call me delirious

    But I’m still a captive

    I gotta rap this

    Time to break as time grows intense

    I got the steel in my right hand

    Now I’m lookin’ for the fence

    I ventured into the courtyard

    Followed by 52 brothers

    Bruised, battered, and scarred but hard

    Goin’ out with a bang

    Ready to bang out

    But power from the sky

    And from the tower shots rang out

    A high number of dose – yes

    And some came close

    Figure I trigger my steel

    Stand and hold my post

    This is what I mean – an anti-nigger machine

    If I come out alive and then they won’t – come clean

    And then I threw up my steel bullets – flew up

    Blew up, who shot…

    What, who, the bazooka was who

    And to my rescue, it was the S1Ws

    Secured my getaway, so I just gotaway

    The joint broke, from the black smoke

    Then they saw it was rougher thatn the average bluffer

    ‘Cause the steel was black, the attitude exact

    Now the chase is on tellin’ you to c’mon

    53 brothers on the run, and we are gone

    matt welch