nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, April 10, 2014

    Me and this lady from Canada were racing to the airport 


    She had to get back to Vancouver. Toot sweet!

    In baseball they teach you to always be thinking what do I do if the ball is hit to me.

    In Uber it’s all “if some nice lady who is a new grandma is rushing to the airport, which is the fastest route

    especially if your Waze suddenly wants to ball up in a scared little ball?

    i was near Montana in Santa Monica. The sun was resisting setting and giving the sky just a smidge more of blue.

    I was thinking of you.

    She came bustling out next to the busy street lined with parked cars and ppl coming home or going out to dinner.

    as i was going south on 11th i was thinking Lincoln all the way? isnt that slow? but what about the freeways? what about that interchange? and who puts their lives on the line with the 405? especially these days.

    me at carls jrher english wasnt good and i was thinking is she muslim? then i thought muslim isnt a dialect you dumbass.

    i headed east a block, then west a block. i was snaking my way to the 10 but the lady didnt understand the double back

    please i must get there by the straightest route.

    she meant quickest, and the music wasnt cooperating either. it was Alien Ant Farm covering MJ’s “Smooth Criminal”

    so much confusion, so much panic.

    then the phone rang. it was “Uber”. i said, oh hey this is probably your daughter calling.

    turned out it was.

    “hi tony, you are driving my mom to the airport. can you tell her the plane has been delayed? no need to rush!”

    and suddenly the Waze started working.

    the lady and i smiled, i called out “sinatra” to my nav system

    and the chairman of the board began singing to us on his Sirius XM channel.

    but then i had to worry about getting a ticket at LAX for being an uber guy.

    tell her to hug you tell her to hug you when you drop her off.

    tell her to hug you the voice kept repeating in my ear.

    circled LAX because i assumed Air Canada is in the Tom Bradley Terminal. turned out it is in Terminal 2.

    no one was on the curb. so no need to hug.

    beautiful night all around.

  2. Thursday, February 13, 2014

    White basketball player, older, Midwest accent 


    Starts talking about Jersey. Then about the mafia.

    I said I didn’t know any connected kids played hoops in Jersey. Or I should say, I didn’t know of any that were any good.

    He was all, ah ha, you’re right. That’s because I’m not from Jersey, I’m from Chicago.

    I was like what part? He starts talking and turns out he was recruited by DePaul back in the day. I was all yeah I know them. He quizzed me.

    I was are you crazy? Mark Aguirre, Terry Cummings, the focal Ray Meyer. I said g I watched them in the little gym before they moved to the Rosemont Horizon.

    Bro was impressed and started showing me pictures if his ladies.

    I said ah yes yes. But I was driving. Why would you want me to not keep my eyes on the road.

    We go from Hollywood to Santa Monica. He says keep the engine running, Rosemont.

    After 5 mins I call. I say you good? He asked, is the meter running? I said affirmative. He goes good. Be down in 5.

    Something tells me it’ll be more than 5. But at least I got to write you.

  3. Thursday, February 14, 2013

    i once had a girlfriend break up with me because we lived too far away 

    awesome welcome mat

    but it was even more pathetic than you think

    she lived on one side of hollywood and i live on the other.

    she would get super frustrated by how long it would take to get to my house

    so when this couple (where the lady lives in Santa Monica, and the dude lives in Silver Lake)

    say they only see each other on the weekends…

    Continue reading “i once had a girlfriend break up with me because we lived too far away”

  4. Saturday, January 15, 2011

    when the editor of livestrong.com invites you to climb stairs 

    in santa monica

    on a perfect summer day in mid january

    you make lemonade.

    watch this guy in perfect shape get out of breath after doing it once. 170 stairs. at around 100 it starts to effect you, i noticed.

    we did the circuit of going up the wood ones, walking a little ways to the metal ones, going down those, then walking to the wood ones and going up those ones: five times.

    about 50 minutes total. super fun. definitely a work out. even though it seems so easy.