one day sass brought over her super hot friend candis

me candis and sass

i was the blog editor of the times at the time and i was trying my best to get one of our movie blogs on the map.

it was written by this excellent reporter who traveled around and got these great stories

but he wasnt a critic, he wrote about movie news, which was fine, and he’d write a few features. good features. but the web was yawning.

i was starting to learn that unless a movie blog was something super dooper special and unique like The Hero Complex

it was gonna be a struggle to get it happening.

so i thought of this great idea, i was gonna dress up in costume every week and go to the movies

and invite all of our readers to come with us and afterwards we would interview the readers

and ask them what they thought of the movie

and we would put their videos up a couple days later

and we would call the whole thing The LA Times Movie Club

well of course everyone jumped on board because it was a brilliant idea and i was making good money

so i didnt even expense the costumes or the wigs or the makeup or even the movies

and omg the entertainment editors came up to me and shook my hand and said

“tony god bless you. there are so many lonely people out there and you have

given them a way to see movies with other strangers and our fine paper. you’re amazing!”

so one day i was almost ready to go to the movies. it was robin hood. the remake with kevin costner.

and sass was in the neighborhood and she wanted to introduce me to her friend

and i was all, who cares, fine. i’ll say hi.

and in walks sass who always looks spectacular and who is this wearing a child’s tshirt as a dress

but candis marie from the east side and i was all, trust me i dont always dress like an elf.

she was all, nice tights.

and we took the picture of our shoes because rarely do i have cool shoes on.

tony why, damnit, whyyyyyyyyy?

sass and her friend in my crib

Felicia from Reseda asks: Why are you such a fucking slob? Are you really THAT lazy or does life just have NO meaning for you? Do you not care what others think of you because YOU don’t give a rat’s ass about yourself? Do you have self-respect? Do you LOVE TONY? Is eating right and exercising and grooming yourself and dressing NEAT (not necessarily nice or sexy!) THAT much of a CHORE/EFFORT? Or, does all that shit take up too much of your valuable time and keep you from blogging and social networking?

time is the most valuable thing we have. that and our blogs.

am i a slob? to some. but it’s a messy thing, not a dirty thing. theres no mold. the maid takes care of the dirt and germs.

me, i love print products: newspapers, magazines, polaroids, paper plates, plastic cups, and the like.

me, i dont love wasting my days hiding things. hiding things in rows, in boxes, in clear cubes, in closets. me, i like finding things. and if they are on the floor, awesome. if i can find the camera, for example, and two pretty girls are on my bed pretending to be bored outta their gourds, then hi, click!

does life have NO meaning to me? i have a feeling felicia youre gonna hate this answer, but when you read the Good Book you will see it taught many times that this life does have meaning, but it’s merely a stepping stone for Heaven. our riches, our treasures, our real meaty substance that you probably also yearn for is not here. it cannot be organized from goods at the Container Store. i cherish the friendships and miracles that i experience with my friends and loves but they pale in comparison for what this is all leading to. and on my gravestone i doubt it will ever say, he kept a tidy room or omg you shoulda seen his closets.

do i not care what others think about me because i dont give a rat’s ass about myself? excellent question. early in my life i learned that i could care deeply about what others thought of me OR i could not give one crap about that. i chose the latter, precisely because i care about myself. perfect example: when i was but a lad i saw mr. bruce springsteen write and perform one of the biggest most touching records ever: Born in the USA, a show where he sold out the LA Coliseum 4 or 5 times over. thats like a half million people just in LA loving him. he took time out of the show to bring up volunteers from the LA food bank, he performed an anti-war song, and he spoke sincerely and deeply about love, loss, and pink cadillacs. he played each show for four hours and tickets were only like $30.

and still when we got out of the show there were protesters, on the radio there was hate, and in the paper there were articles about the Springsteen Backlash. it taught me very clearly that no matter what you do or say or sing, there will always be haters. you cannot win over everyone. so simply do your best to win over the Lord. and Jesus don’t care if you have old bottles of beer on the wall. he just wants your heart to be pure.

do i have self-respect? probably

do i love myself? frequently

is eating right and exercising and dressing neat that much of a chore? yes and it’s boring and a waste of money. if someone loves fat bald tony with clothes from target they probably love my heart, not my smoke and mirrors, which is way better because theres gonna be another train coming through with better smoke and mirrors any minute now.

dont be fooled by the outside, young skywalker, close yr eyes and feel the force.

todays sass’s birthday, shes 24

sass in my closetpicked up this 21 year old brazillian dude in my uber on halloween.

first thing he said was im afraid im gonna cheat on my girlfriend tonight.

he was not dressed up in a costume unless he was going as a handsome young brazillian with a nervous conscious.

i said, where is your girlfriend? he said san pablo.

we were at a stop light. i said you wont cheat on her, dont worry.

and just then three young women dressed as sexy cats walked by in their high heels just laughing and laughing

he and i watched. they were probably the prettiest women in the whole wide world.

i said how long have you been dating this girl.

he said, since we were 12.

i said TWELVE!?

he then showed me a picture of them when they were 12.

i said, listen. i know about love. and love is magical. i also know your english is terrible so just listen to the sounds.

your weiner is an important thing. it believes in love too. it followed you to the USA.

here in the USA you might meet a chinese girl from canada named sass, who, im told, loves barely legal brazillian boys.

he said i dont like asian women.

i showed him this photo.

he said, take me to her.

i said, too late amigo shes in paris right now. but my point is you may meet someone like her and 30 years from now you’re gonna be very mad when you see someone like her on tv and you will kick your dog or goat or moose and say WHY DIDNT I MEET THIS SASS!

break up with your girl immediately and start your life.

and he said, youre right. thank you sir. and he tipped me one dollar on a $20 ride.

what do you do with two canadians who want dinner?

poutine menu

sass and emilio had never met somehow even though they went to the same college at the same time and hung in the same circles and knew the same ppl and danced the same dances and wore the same clothes and sang the same songs and played in the same bands and took the same classes and rushed the same sororities.

but you know what brought them together?


i mean the busblog

and hollywood.

and you.

so it was time to celebrate and eat stuffs so we had poutine in hollywood!


it wasnt bad. but as i like to say, the only bad poutine is no poutine.

since emilio is a vegetarian because he “loves” animals,

sass and i chose the duck poutine because jack in the box rarely has duck anything

and i gotta tell you, ted nugent, littlefork’s duck poutine, despite not having actual cheese curds

and technically not even being truly poutine

is damn good american poutine

sass and emilio

afterwards we dropped off sass in a dark street in the hollywood hills

so if she gets discovered in some manson family gang in a few months

just know that her last really good meal was with moi and vous

while a guy played 80s tunes from his laptop

and i drank a margarita.

quebecois everybody!

went to the new kanpai last night with jeanine and sass

new kanpai

the new kanpai is about two miles away from the old kanpai, but this one is on sepulveda on the way to LAX

sass and sushi

sass is being kicked out of america for being too sexy so we decided to celebrate by eating all the fish

while singing

not super crowded

we didn’t disturb anyone because no one knows the new kanpai even exists yet which was great


it meant we could eat these weird baby sardines on top of shrimp wrapped delightfulness

jeanine and sass

only bad thing about new kanpai is they haven’t paid off the powers that be yet so you cant drink there

but you get 10% off your tab which is good because new kanpai still has old kanpai prices

which is why i usually rob a bank before i go there, but damn is it worth it.


Kanpai Sushi Bar & Grill
8736 S Sepulveda Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90045

just look for the bathroom sign that has a typo

the Lord’s Day

sass with my special

even though it was the lords day, i had a full day which started with sass texting me telling me she was back in america did i wanna meet her for brunch

i said sure, where? she said how about by your house. so she drove her mini to me and got a table and texted me which is precisely what you should do and i waltzed over and we started chatting and soon there were grits and eggs benedict and lemonade which is also precisely what i love for brunch.

sass is traveling a lot. globetrotting. and of course in the midst of lots of dramaz so it was fun to talk about all of those things. afterwards she wanted a real juice because the air quality was affecting her sensitive ph balance so we drove over to hipster central and got her some of the Tony Special. it was lovely.

sunset in venice

ali called me out on insta the night before because i was ubering in her neck of the woods and i didnt reach out to her. you just assume a smoking hot single girl who has been toning that sweet bod through crossfit would be up to her eyeballs with male attention, but i suppose everyone wants a little more busblog in their lives, so i texted her back and said lets sushi? she said oui.

because the lovely amber had hooked me up with some uber rides i decided to play it safe and uber over because the large saki large beer combo is just begging for a DUI so for the past few times ive gone ive ubered. it’s nice. thanks amber.

and because it was the Lords day i brought my ipad and read the bible on the way. we were driving right into the sunset and it was a dream. i really am very lucky to live here. especially when i hear about boston’s 100 inches of snow.

ali and i had a great time. peter served us well. the only frustration he and i had was she wouldnt tell us what secret video game she is so busy working on, but in a few months we will all know and she swears we will love it.

soft shelled crab

on my uber ride home i was totally prepared to read more especially when my uber driver was struggling with english, but as we talked i realized he is from Iraq. so he told me all about what it was like to live there his whole life but was forced to immigrate here after the fall of saddam because the violence was unmanageable.

he told me that the two times the US bombed the city we were always careful to only hit military targets, civilians rarely got hurt. but after the fall of saddam other islamic forces started fighting each other. “it would be like Glendale fighting Burbank” he explained. he said he often had to inspect under his car for bombs and eventually the bad people took over his whole block and kicked everyone out of their homes and then blew them up.

fortunately he had been working for an american company for a few years and they helped him move here with his family. older guy. so sweet. answered all of my questions with very little emotion. but i was dying inside. imagine being terrorized by one enemy after another and worst of all the “liberation” of your tyrant turns out to be a bad thing.

when he dropped me off i thanked him for sharing his story, i tipped him well, and even though i was a little buzzed i said, “hold on, wait, i know this phrase, ah yes, a salaam alaikum”

he smiled very warmly and said “Wa alaykum.”

indeed it was the Lord’s Day.

when i woke up i thought the day was going to be a certain way


but then i started reading Job as the sunday bible reading

then i got a text message altering the second half of the day

and then everything spiraled into freeform jazz which was ok

because i was all, i’ll just lay here and watch orange is the new black

until the game of thrones season finale comes on.

and because life is never boring, one minute before the show was supposed to start,

sass texted me and said hey we’re gonna go to the zankou by your house wanna come?

one little weakness i have is chicken, especially if two international superstars are driving


after eating, sass wanted popsicles so we walked across the street to the 7-11

along the way a big black dude sipping on sizzrup yelled something at sass

who was wearing the shortest shorts and he mentioned something about her posterior

so she yelled something back at him.

and he said, but you have no ass.

so she said, but you have no money, and we entered the 7-11 and he followed us in.

one bad thing about being an undercover xbi agent: its hard to stay undercover

in broad daylight, flanked by two hot little women, one of whom is trying to make a point

the ladies were not happy with the selection of icy poles so we exited and as we did

our new friend shadowed us. i turned to him and tried to ESP him but bro was drunk

which made me worried he wanted to fight.


as we crossed the street sass spotted who she thought was an LA county sherrif

but it was actually just a security guard at the chicken joint

so she ran to him shouting behind her at the drunk “MAYBE THIS SHERIFF WANTS TO KNOW”

but i grabbed her before she got through the door

we all piled into the car as bro veered over to the liquor store

and we drove to Vons.

that wasnt a sheriff, sass, i told her.

and it was quiet for a little while in the car.

until i told her a little buddhist proverb for our little situation.

it goes: if a wise man and a fool are arguing, no one can tell who’s the fool.

then we brainstormed It’s Good Day where you write down things that pissed you off

that you’re still carrying around to this very day and it’s bring you down

and you go to the LA colosseum and everyone burns their little paper.

and theres a rock concert and lots of booze

and you judge how successful the day was by how much you barfed.

xbi has a time machine they dont tell anyone about


some agents are actually from the future which is why they can predict it so well.

the only problem with time travel, so ive heard,

is you have to make sure not to affect real change in the future

my trick, i mean their trick is to give advice

since no one ever takes advice

you’ll never have to worry about screwing nothing up.

last night sass and i ate noodles and she told me an amazing story about

a psycho young woman from europe who doesnt even exist.

i was eating a fried catfish.

crazy can text and email and all these other things but shes probably total fiction.

when i asked the waiter if the catfish was whole or cut he said


did you know theres valet at the baskin robbins in silver lake


nothing in here is true. thats how rumors get started. this is sass rocking the napcore stylz.

she asked to see what i was doing for brunch and i realized that the reason canadians love brunch so much

is because theres an unnecessary u in there.

we sat inbetween a bunch of people on the patio who thought it was cute to bring their little dogs along.

im sorry but i love dogs however the last time i checked this wasnt paris.

i dont see kanye up in this piece, leave yr dogs at home.

all they get to do is walk around under your table, smell, and wish they were back home


sass gave me a sticker and i realized i probably need stickers for a variety of reasons besides the fact that ppl should have stickers

this guy has a great sticker. whoever he is. i want stickers of all my friends. id stick a todd francis over here

a ben sullivan over there. a couple jeanine natalies under there.

it could be a thing. faces of people all everywhere.

that would give the under table dogs something to look at.


had the Devil’s Mess: three scrambled eggs with turkey sausage.

because its silver lake not only was everything organic and local, but it was so sustainable that

you only got to eat them right after they gave birth to their replacements.

the egg yolks came from discarded mcdonald yolks from their egg white mcmuffins.

next time i need to remember to ask for no onions because it was fantastic.

sass invited me to go to kung fu with her but im a pacifist.