busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, April 10, 2017

    anna knows im a sucker for pictures 

    woke up hurling this morn

    she had left me a few texts

    i texted i cant right now

    she kept pushing me but it was embarrassing

    what man vomits from allergies?

    was it the meds i took?

    the flonase?

    the benadryl?

    why was i feeling so miserable?

    made a bagel, cleaned the toilet

    last night i had cleaned the tub

    everything has seemed gross to me.

    drank some oj, turned on the tv and then i was back at the toilet letting loose. was this the work of the xbi?

    crazy thing happened last week. i was at a mcdonalds taking a leak and when i came out this black dude went into this whole story about how he was stranded. his family was in a car on the side of the road and he was looking for some money to call a tow truck blah di blah blah. who knows the truth these days.

    i pretty much always will give someone a buck because the bible says we should.

    so i give him a buck and he says aw thanks man. and he tries to shake my hand.

    i usually have hand sanitizer in my car, but i was out and i had just washed my hands seconds ago, no way was i gonna shake this dudes hand and have dude germs all over as i drove around the world

    so i go, no thanks im good.

    and i felt a little bad because im generally a nice guy, but come on, i already gave you a buck.

    and murphys law, i get sick a few days later anyways.

    as anna says, just shows to go ya, its always something.

  2. Monday, February 6, 2017

    i get it, no one wants to have their good thing taken away 

    everyone likes to stroll into the Super Walmart with their sweetie all duded up on a Saturday night

    everyone likes to think, i could buy whatever i want and not have to look at my account balance first

    everyone likes to know the milk wont be sour and the avocados will be nearly ripe

    and the people who are working there are

    acceptable

    to me an my friends.

    america isnt that different than most places. we get comfortable in our little routines and after a while we resist change.

    i hate that the record stores have left Westwood, it ticks me off when rock clubs shut down, and if theres one thing that makes me crazy it’s not knowing any of the fucking bands i see on the marquee of the Wiltern. so i can understand why others dont like it when their neighborhoods “change”.

    but no matter what the world famous busblog thinks or wants, those marquees keep moving. names i aint never heard of end up on there and sometimes they play for omg three four nights in a row.

    sting can barely sell out the palladium but some dipshit dj can sell it out all week and you know what, the answer isnt to fuck up their shit, it’s on me to adjust.

    i thought i was good at this hockey game ive been playing for the last little while so i got cocky and went online to play against some stranger, knowing full well it would be some little kid and sure enough the little kid whipped my ass.

    sometimes we need our ass whipped. sometimes we need to know that our neighbors dont want hope and change they want fear and rewind. sometimes we need to get sick so we can vomit up all the dank resin in our dangly bits.

    it’s just weird that we’re all sick after just 12 days of this shit.

  3. every day i write the book 

    today i woke up sicker than the day before.

    i didnt wanna be on the computer. i didnt wanna lay down. i didnt wanna fight crime. i didnt wanna walk in the rain.

    i wanted to clean. i felt gross. i am gross. im fat and hairy and disgusting.

    my phone battery wont charge all the way. its these chords. these cheap cords.

    my back hurts. i have a broom stick i use to play air guitar sometimes. i put it behind my back and roll it on my back and it works for a few minutes. i shower. i scrub

    i was listening to lena dunam get interviewed by howard stern while i scrubbed my dull dough and i blew my nose like farmers do. like football players. like mountain men.

    and i started bleeding.

    the maroon blood drops mixed with my grimey shower water and i thought i could die right here and people would think i was a coke head

    let the record state that i dont even like cocaine. i did crystal once at ucsb to stay up to read moby dick before a final and even then i was all wtf this is stupid. so if you do cut me up on my death bed and theres coke in my system it was Putin!

    one of the best things about my mom is she studied russian in college to show off. she knows about things.

    i was super sad when i realized i was not gonna be able to make it to the Nominees Luncheon today

    and at the bottom of the sadness i checked my mail and my mom had sent me a calendar of the Cubs.

    made everything better.

    turns out my whole work is sick too.

    if i have to host the Oscars get ready for some unbelieveable ratings.

  4. Saturday, February 4, 2017

    20 20 24 hours ago 

    last night at this time i couldn’t look up

    i could barely breathe.

    i had the worst headache i had ever had in my life.

    i thought, wow God, you’ve never shown me this level before.

    i had the tv on but i had to look at the carpet. my dirty carpet.

    everthing looked dirty in my house. everything was the cause of my illness.

    my heater was on full blast, i was in my robe, trying to remember if i ate the cold pill already or if i needed one.

    i could barely look at the computer but i did a search for Drixoral which was the one pill i knew could defeat the XBI poison

    but, alas, the XBI forced it off the market years ago.

    i took a sip of water. i tried a bite of a banana. nothing. i’d not eat for another 15 hours.

    i slept. i woke. i slept more. i blew my nose into rally towels and tissues and wash rags.

    in the morning i rose. would i barf? no.

    i awoke to (in)appropriate photos on my phone, well wishes from dignitaries and my neighbor left a box of Girl Scout Cookies on my porch.

    my mother reminded me that i always get sick around the Oscars and i do remember that one time that i had kidney stones around this time, so maybe shes right.

    all of it was healing to me and i could lift my head.

    i walked outside and around the block to the dry cleaners to get my suit for Monday’s Oscar Nomination Luncheon which I hope to work, and i saw a cockroach on its back, legs wiggling in the air

    Death was indeed near

    and when i returned a minute later

    it was dead.

  5. Thursday, December 1, 2016

    fucked up and went to whole foods yesterday 

    stare down

    theres been pros and cons to jeanine not sleeping on my couch any more.

    pros are when a dallas cowboy cheerleader tap tap taps on my window i can whisper

    meet me at the front door gurl!

    cons are: my house is a mess, i havent eaten well, i go out to buy lunch, the dishes are piling up, and the cats are very very sad.

    so yesterday i went to lunch with the new girl and i saw whole foods had turkey dinners in the hot serving area. i got turkey breast, mashed up sweet potatoes, green beans, and my favorite: a whole boiled egg.

    poleswithin minutes of eating it i knew something terrible had happened in my belly.

    it was as if the electoral votes in my gut had decided that they were going to turn into rocks instead of energy and my poop chute blocked up and my pee hole went on strike.

    then i had to do some top level computer back end business and the only guy who could help me was in an all day and all night meeting

    i could feel myself aging right there at my cubicle.

    i wanted to go straight home but it was ben’s bachelor party at the HMS Bounty next door to the Gaylord Hotel.

    i knew a lot of my friends who i hadnt seen in a while would be there like ken and ken and brendan and when i got there i got a text message from gregg who was in town and had scheduled a time for us to talk about the busblog redesign.

    had i double booked?

    where has my mind gone? could i blame the stomach? could i blame the cubs? trump? i could only blame myself. we rescheduled. but boy did i feel like a huge jerk. and my belly felt like there was a black hole spinning in there. something was happening but it was hollow and refused to get extracted.

    WHO WANTS TO END UP IN THE TOILET WHEN YOU GET TO MAYBE BE COVERED IN BASEBALL STEAKS?

    i threw it a curve by ordering the fish and sticks. it was hipster night at the bar and mama mia did a few of the ladies dress up perfect. but my belly was all, we may not even let you stand up straight, whaddya think of that?

    got to bed early.

    woke up late. got cleaned up, drove thru BK Lounge and ate some breakfast sandwich.

    as i drove to work i saw a young woman pushing a cart with recyclables. she was garbage picking. i stopped when i got to her and offered her my hash browns. she gladly accepted.

    that made me feel good. but a mile away my gut woke up. angry. Nebraska was on the cd player. you were in my heart. i called my boss and said i was gonna have to work from home. she was cool with it. so i turned around and here i am in my pjs listening to Dylan and thinking of some good stuff to post.

    and dreaming of a quickie nap soon.