nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, July 3, 2017

    aj was all im house sitting and this pool is so empty 

    so i threw down my Cubs hat and said


    amber was all, can i come? i was like, do you have a bikini?

    she said, do i.

    all of us are straight edge so aj had kumbucha, amber had ice tea and i brought over two bottles of mexi-Fanta Grape soda.

    we stood in the remarkably warm pool and told amber about our first encounters with Os, who we agreed had miraculously only become handsomer as time has gone on.

    and then we adjourned to the hot tub. AJ’s Bose speaker made my Amazon branded bluetooth speaker insecure and pouty. it was not at all as booming and beautiful as her Bose. in fairness the Amazon cost about 1/3 of the Bose, but music is something one should invest in.

    at some point we got hungry. the Oinkster down the street seemed like a perfectly ridiculous option. then i said, i know a sushi joint in Pasadena. the food isn’t great but theres little boats that circle the sushi chefs and it’s funny to watch.

    that one got the most votes and the food was better than i remembered.

    bonus: we got to watch Max Scherzer toss 7 shut out innings on a little tv hanging on a wall.

    today i take the cats to the vet for their annual check up.

    Michael has some bite marks on her neck and i want to make sure they arent the work of Vampires.

  2. Thursday, September 10, 2015

    totally ubered Tara Reid the other day 

    Paris Hilton and Tara Reid at the opening of  Avalon

    here she is pictured with brian urlacher at the opening of the Avalon a few years ago.

    it was a fun ride. picked her up in the hollywood hills, we drove past a chipotle that had the most delicious smells emanating from it. we decided there was no way that was the chipotle smelling so good.

    we talked about LA and strip clubs and sushi and vegas.

    sometimes people are glued to their phones, texting away or looking at facebook but tara was sitting back enjoying the ride and our conversation.

    we took fountain to la cienega and she said the sushi place she was meeting a friend at was the one across from the coronet

    because im from the streets i said, oh the one across from Trashy Lingerie?

    she said yes yes!

    i was going to tell her about Kanpai but the other day young Ali and i dined there and the fish was far less than amazing

    we decided we will return next time to see if it was a fluke, but my fear is that now that they have two locations perhaps they are running out of the magic stuff.


    and the last thing id want to do is steer the girl from American Pie in the wrong direction.

    after our ride was about over i said, hey your name on the app says Tara are you Tara Reid?

    she said yes.

    i said wow, love your movies, and i gotta say you look way prettier in real life.

    she said thank you in that delightful raspy voice and i tweeted and she retweeted my tweet so we’re basically engaged now.


  3. Monday, January 6, 2014

    last night i had sushi and sake with sass (not pictured) 


    she wanted a change of pace from saito and im always down for a change of pace

    so we went up vermont to los feliz to try out starfish which is adorable and close

    the waitstaff were nice but impersonal. is that a sushi thing? dont talk to the ppl?

    i dont get that. how about the tiniest bit of chitchat to see whats up with them

    and then suggestively sell them something or offer recommendations?

    the robots are on your heels and they can easily be programmed to just take yr order and bring your crap.

    the food was aight. i liked the crispy spicy roll. the sashimi was too cold you could barely taste the flavor.

    but of course the company was fantastic. sass doesnt get uptight when i say gross things. thats nice.

    earlier in the day i told someone else something and she was all, why would you even Think that

    because the mind is a fertile land of imagination, bb. let it do its thing. just say no thanks.

    anyways my dreams these last few days under the new xbi meds have been bizarre and colorful.

    as you know i dont like dreams when im sleeping. sleep time is for sleeping.

  4. Wednesday, May 16, 2012

    this is a post i wrote in the past and scheduled for the future 

    bad tummy

    hi future. hope things are going well at 12:22pm.

    yesterday at lunch i had some bad fish. i got it at this sushi place where the food is on little boats.

    the boats float around the place and you grab a little dish and eat it and say ahhhhhhh.

    sadly after few hours the stomach and the fish were all AHHHHHHHHHH

    and i had to leave work about an hour earlier than i wanted to.

    b/c every time i stood up i got dizzy and i felt like my face was turning green.

    my belly and i have a weird relationship. always has.

    when i was a kid it didnt like hardly anything in it. during college i weighed like 120 pounds.

    i could barely eat a whole slice of pizza.

    but soon after college everything was coolio so i ate EVERYTHING. but now i have a gut.

    some of the ladies dont mind. in fact some think its sexy. but of course most dont. nor do i.

    so last night when all my belly would tolerate was saltines that was fine cuz i did eat a bit in vegas.

    however this morning during my morning constitutional it was a bit odd to smell crackers again.

    in the last year the worst my stomach ever felt was in the photo above when etienne and i were eating poutine at mcdonalds

    we were up to something. it was secret. even though im xbi, i really dont like secrets and my belly Hates them.

    and all that cheese and gravy and french fries and happiness and stress and pre stress made me cray.

    strangely i miss all of that, future.

    probs b/c im cray times a zillion.

  5. Wednesday, April 11, 2012

    clear and convincing evidence 

    ive made a lot of mistakes in my life. every day i make them.

    if i had played all of my cards right over the 109 years of my time on earth

    i would have been rich by now, probably married,

    taller, in better shape, and probably still rocking the fro.

    if all of those things happened, however, i bet you id be changing diapers now

    or driving some kids to soccer practice, as opposed to blogging to you today.

    so the question is: would i have been happier if i was perfect.

    probably not.

    there is this thing about perfectionists, rarely do they win.

    they dont win because either theyre too much in their heads

    or they are too afraid of making mistakes – or they fear taking risks.

    meanwhile gunslingers and hotshots dont care if they fail from time to time

    because they have learned that failure doesnt lead to death

    sure theres embarrassment but deep down who cares what the peanut gallery thinks.

    people can boo or cheer but those of us with zero self esteem dont hear either of those things.

    cheers roll off our backs and boos go right through us.

    leaving only the goal on the table of any interest.

    my goal tonight is to convey to you how much i love you.

    and warn the raw fish that im comin to get em.

  6. Tuesday, December 6, 2011

    this is albacore sawara style at kanpai 

    at kanpai

    it has no business tasting like this.

    it’s from another time zone.

    sawara is such a mysterious and impossible fish to prepare perfectly,

    so to find an establishment that knows it intimately

    and who only serves it super dooper fresh, is something to be cherished.

    kanpai is that place. but it doesnt always have true sawara

    so it tricks the albacore into believing that it is sawara

    with help from a tangy sauce, and some light crunchy doo dads on top.

    the entire thing melts in your mouth and you cant even believe such a thing exists.

    sometimes the fake sawara is better than the real deal

    its like the six million dollar man or something.

    because the over all flavor and feeling is overwhelming,

    i usually save it for the end.

    and then ask for a little green tea ice cream.

  7. Monday, November 21, 2011
  8. Thursday, October 27, 2011

    the birthday celebrations continued last night 

    kit kat ice cream at kanpai

    karisa was busy during my birthday weekend so she invited me to dinner, her treat

    where would you like to go she asked?

    anywhere, i dont care. who cares. i was sad for different reasons than aging.

    if you could go anywhere where would you go? she asked.

    i said i dont care. gimme steak. gimme soul food.

    how about vegan soul food she asked trying to help me be a healthier man. but on my birthday i dont wanna be healthy. i wanna be reckless. i wanna be anything but healthy.

    so we decided on italian in marina del rey.

    but anyone who knows me knows that i am one to easily change his mind, and when i do make an audible, it usually ends up being a safe one to something i love.

    thus Kanpai, the greatest sushi place in the world, and maybe the universe.

    last time i was there, saturday, my man Peter wasnt there, so the lights were not turned off, and a big hub bub was not made.

    but last night Peter was there and Karisa whispered in his ear and in a few minutes the lights were off and Peter said “one of our regular customers, Tony is here to celebrate his birthday…”

    it was so sweet. then someone asked, “what makes him a regular?”

    and peter said, he comes here every week, sometimes more.

    which is so true, cuz its so good, and they are so nice.

    its a little sad i need to freelance as an undercover xbi agent once in a while to pay off my kanpai tabs, but its totally worth it.

    so thank you karisa, and thank you peter and denny and errryone at kanpai for the very very nice evening last night.

  9. Wednesday, October 12, 2011

    know what rhymes with a sushi place with cute little boats of sushi floating by? 

    fly in my sushi

    hey bro does that look like a super dooper happy and now sleeping fly?

    ok so that isnt the best rhyme but whatevs, it was decent fish and i’ll be back.

    it was 100 degrees today in LA just like what Jackie Johnson promised.

    98 degrees

    i love LA when its hot but heres what i dont like

    i dont like strip malls that have a mini Post Office

    and a mini Postal Store 200 feet away from each other.

    heres why: dudes like me will type in “post office” in google maps and murphys law

    will walk into the Postal Store instead of the Post Office

    thus when i waltz in attempting to buy a stamp to send a letter across town

    i will get charged 75 cents from the store owner trying to make a profit on stamps.

    “yes but i only want a normal stamp,” says i.

    “yep, normal stamp 75,” says he as he unpeels the forever stamp, places it on my envelope

    and pats it down professionally,

    in a manner that says “this pat alone is worth the extra 31 cents.”

    fly in my boat in sushi

    100 degree temps

    overpriced stamps.

    i clearly need some organic beer at a neux veux vegan brewery that has valet.

    mohawk blend, here i come!

  10. Sunday, February 13, 2011