nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, August 3, 2018

    men are from mars, women like penis* 

    biggest problem i have in sensual relationships is when a sobbing young lady spills her guts to me describing her problems

    i give advice.

    i’ll give you advice even if you arent crying.

    hell, i give advice on here to people who arent even seeking advice.

    bottom line: im garbage and should probably be avoided.

    but some have been unable to avoid my charms and end up in a romantic relationship with me and are bombarded with

    if i was you i woulda said this or

    you shoulda done that

    or have you tried this technique

    or in my day we woulda just done it thisaway.

    amber gets so upset when she is trying to confide in me she has thrown phones, books, and even a tire at me out of frustration.

    a long time ago Etienne would say “stop bossing me, busblog” and i didnt fully grasp what her problem was with me but now it is clearer. im terrible.

    if you tell me it hurts when i do this

    im gonna say stop doing that.

    when all they wanted was someone to listen. but i am not a listener. im a fixer. im michael cohen minus the secret recording devices. i am a problem solving machine. i enjoy fixing. i do not enjoy listening and keeping my mouth shut.

    my innards do not work that way. my brain says “this girl you love is in pain, give her the pain relief no matter what it is. be the hero. use your love gun. put a bandaid on the problem. BEGIN THE BEGUINE.”

    but i am told in more ways than one that a beguine is not being ordered. two ears two eyes and no mouth is whats being ordered. back rubs are being ordered. walks on the beach are being requested. scalp scratches. butterfly kisses. viewings of Blackish. uh huhs and oh nos.

    but i am not that robot. i have two turn tables and a microphone. if anything its a maxiphone.

    im gonna die alone.

  2. Wednesday, May 23, 2018

    you will be misunderstood, sweet angels 

    especially if you’re not a basic bitch.

    you will be unloved and ridiculed and talked about behind your back.

    especially by the ssssssswwww ssssswwwww swwwws in the shadows.

    fly with those wings girl, don’t curse them.

    soar with that courage, don’t shrink.

    yes the multitudes came out to hear Jesus

    but his disciples bailed on him when the shit went down.

    you will be alone when the pressure comes.

    sometimes you will shine

    sometimes you will stumble.

    but we are not judged by how we perform during the lightning storm

    we are known by how much light we reflect every day.

  3. Tuesday, May 15, 2018

    we’re not alone 

    ive seen em

    they look like us

    dress like us

    they even drive around

    poorly, but still.

    they say things

    and i listen.

    they write

    little notes

    scratchy like.

    other day i

    saw one of them

    scribble something

    ball it up

    toss it.

    and write more

    on a new paper.

    for some reason i looked

    at the balled up piece.

    a car drove by.

    a bird cawed.

    i unballed it

    it said

    we’re not alone.

  4. Wednesday, May 9, 2018

    there are ghosts in our minds who are stuck 

    they havent floated up to the good place and they get tangled in tree branches

    heart strings, rooftops, bangs, fishing caps

    and dreams.

    because they’re dead but haven’t risen they think the whole trip is over and ends poorly

    but they haven’t seen the other side.

    they still think Bin Laden is on the run.

    they still believe OJ is guilty.

    for all they know rock is doing perfectly well.

    we have two jobs. one is to usher the spirits to the next Mario Bros level.

    the other is to live by example.

    on the playground where i grew up in the mean streets of the suburbs

    if one kid nailed a 3 pointer then all of us started making shots way down town.

    and if another kid dunked, then we all believed we could too.

    after all, we all chewed the same gum, wore the same Cons, and kissed the same girls.

    so of course we could all dunk.

    which is why to this day you dont wanna see me driving the lane cuz yr gonna be in my poster.

    living by example is the greatest lesson Pete Rose ever gave us. if a slow, stocky, hick, with no college degree can knock more hits than any other person in baseball history

    then OF COURSE those of us with video technology, Jamesian statistics and some talent can make it to the 3,000 hit club, but alas so few do.


    because so few do.

    we are monkeys. we have to see the 100th monkey wash his hands before we do. we have to see the reality tv star ascend to the white house before we believe it can be done.

    and now we have to watch the right people do the right thing to truly drain the swamp.

    the ghosts must be removed from the machine.

    and then the machine needs to be turned into a computer chip.

    and placed in a lock box

    of love.

  5. Thursday, April 19, 2018

    imagine not being trusted for anything 

    imagine people scared of you – of YOU – even though you were the one who was victimized a long time ago

    and forced to come over here and work for free

    and who built this city and country

    and, sure has an attitude sometimes BUT EVERYONE WOULDA

    and along the way you created rock, jazz, blues and hip hop

    taught everyone how to dance

    even how to dance backwards, spin on your head,

    and line dance

    dominated every sport

    imagine people didnt trust you because you were stronger, quicker, faster

    and dare this blog say

    smarter at times.

    is there a better church than a southern gospel church

    does creativity come out of you like a broken water main

    and style, imagine every time you do something that look gets copied not just in suburban malls, but all over the world.

    and yet people fear you, mistreat you, flinch whenever the sunlight shines in your eyes, and tell you to shut the fuck up whenever wisdom comes from your mouth

    when all you are trying to do is share the majesty that is inside of you

    with everyone.

    freedom is the one thing descendants of slaves hold more dear than anything

    for good reason.

    and yet at every turn that freedom is challenged.

    i wonder why.

  6. Wednesday, April 18, 2018

    what do you want, who do you wanna be, 

    how do you want to contribute to this beautiful world

    how do you want to reflect the glory of God

    how can you honor your mother

    where will your name be written when all is said

    do you want to be loved so badly you will sell out

    would amber want to be your friend

    have you forgotten the ideals you had when you were 10

    are you following the path of Basics

    or The Exceptionals

    are you inspiring others to be better

    do you make others better

    are you a cancer or the cure

  7. Wednesday, February 28, 2018

    dear tony, what do you do about haters? 

    this is an interesting question because if you had asked me this 10, 20, or 30 years ago i would have had a different answer each time.

    at this stage of my life, i say pity them and pray for them because as i look back at those who would have fit in that bucket, most of them, a vast majority were hating

    because they were jealous.

    which is crazy because the things that they were jealous about certainly weren’t my material wealth or runway model good looks or style

    they were jealous about things that they could have had in their lives if they didnt have a gigantic stick up their ass.

    indeed i think most of the haters were sad/mad/jealz because they saw me as an extremely happy person who appeared to enjoy ridiculously good “luck”. and while it is true that i have been genuinely happy for most of my life, it wasn’t luck that did it.  it was values

    including the Golden Rule.

    i think one is happiest when one is helping others and trying to lift others to the place where they want to be.

    when i look back at my biggest accomplishments, it’s not great because i made a million bucks or hooked up with Laker Girls, it’s because i helped good people get to where they were probably gonna get anyway but i was able to help them there quicker.

    and while we did it we had a great time and made some cool art or music or news.

    a lot of sad people are only in it for themselves. they might think that theyre being a good bf/gf, employee or friend, but really their motive is all about them. therefore when Satan creeps around trying to figure out what to whisper in their ear to bum their day, he says things about them “youre fat, youre poor, youre dumb, you keep making the same mistakes, youre sloppy, youre dopey, you’re not creative, you are not even using what you learned in school, everyone hates you” and it works on them because they value Self.

    if Satan tried that baloney around someone who sincerely spends their time in a Supporter role none of that matters. who cares if you’re fat if you’re making others less hungry too. who cares if youre poor if you know that money is a fakeout and you give what you have to others, who cares if they call you dumb if you know the secret to turning someones frown upside down, who cares what they say if you know that smile is on your face for the right reason.

    haters are out there just like rain drops and rush hour traffic. it’s part of the environment and once you live a life of service as opposed to a quest for Self Aggrandizement you will discover your true place in this spiritual slam dance

    and it’s right in the center

    where it’s safest

    and most beautiful.

  8. Sunday, February 4, 2018

    my man greg sent me this old Lick flier 

    ive always had good friends

    ive always had fast cars

    ive always had a secret weapon

    and ive always read the bible.

    heres a trick if someone is bothering you or stalking you or acting crazy.

    the crazier the better.

    just like how a bullfighter fights a bull

    if the bull is super feisty and wild and bucking around and is all omg i cant wait to kill you, paulie

    you just wave that red curtain at him

    and watch him run for it.

    if someone, even a stranger, even a demonicly infused wildman on the subway

    is taking up your personal space and saying the worst things with stanky breath and evil intent, heres what you can do and i do it every now and then and im telling you it works.

    it works better if you have a pen, like a pocket sized Sharpie is ideal, theyre also good for signing 8×10 glossies when fans run at you at the airport,

    but this will repel salesmen and gang members, suit wearing men and women asking if youd like to take a personality test, or some drunken slob at the bar who’s cornered you next to the jukebox

    just reach in your pocket, pull out your pen

    and if you want, write it on the palm of your hand, but i prefer a cocktail napkin

    or a free postcard

    or a business card of a stranger

    but the hand isn’t bad

    just write

    john 3:16

    and look them in the eye and smile.

    and the bull will rush

    and the crazy will flee

    and the loud will silence

    and you will go free.

  9. Wednesday, August 30, 2017

    are there things in my life i fucking hate? you betcha. 

    but theres also parts that i fucking love.

    after writing a couple of years of dark poetry in college i realized that looking at the negative sad stupid parts of life is easy.

    anyone could do it.

    worrying about dying, getting fired, getting shot, getting cancer, getting fat,

    is also super easy, reactionary, less-than-superior.

    not what we were meant to do here.

    life is a miracle.

    you can believe in God or not, it doesn’t matter. being alive makes no sense.

    it’s magic.

    for a very short period of time we get to be the embodiment of that magic.

    so what are you going to do with that sliver in history?


    fuck no.

    obsess over the deadends and cockblocking in this giant ass maze called life

    or nah?

    consider me vice president of nah.

  10. Monday, August 7, 2017

    i wish you knew me, she said 

    i said, oh i know you.

    she said if you knew me we wouldnt fight so much.

    if you knew me you would have called me this morning on your way to work.

    if you knew me youd tell me how your day was when i ask.

    if you knew me SHE wouldn’t be in your apartment.

    i said, youre so young you wear purple lipstick and

    lip STAIN, she corrected

    i said youre so young you think theres a difference between lipstick and lipstain

    also, i know you.

    i know what you want (Everything).


    but you cannot have everything and that bothers you.


    and what you need to understand is what you should focus on instead of the things that You want are the things that people less fortunate than you


    oh god.


    i wish you knew me

    she mumbled.