nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 8, 2015

    was very nervous to go to the tax man 

    Jose the tax man

    i did nearly 1,000 rides last year. I saved a little money to pay taxes this year, but it didn’t feel like I had saved enough.

    I walked into my neighborhood H&R Block office in Los Feliz next to the American Apparel and saw a huge cardboard cutout of my man Jose… or so I thought. I didn’t want to be racist and assume that all husky Latino men look the same, so I blew it off.

    We did my taxes: stocks, real job, some freelance work i did at the beginning of the year, and then my Uber.

    Jose was amazing, deducting this, asking about that, doing all the things he do.

    turned out i made a profit of two grand buying and selling stocks last year (true).

    turned out Uber swears I made $19k last year (so not true).

    Jose and I figured out how to tell the actual truth on the taxes and still not have to write a fat check.

    when it was over i shook his hand vigorously and took a picture with him next to his cardboard.

    turned out it WAS him and he is the face of H&R Block en Espanol

  2. Thursday, March 27, 2014

    before i went to the tax man i went to the atm to see how much i could afford to pay 

    darth everything

    i hadnt worked most of the year, but at the beginning i got some lump payments

    and then none of my unemployment was taxed, plus i sold a bunch of stock to keep the spring break rolling.

    surely i was going to have to pay a few grand to uncle scam

    but alas, the xbi “h&r block” turned my frown upside down and ive got over a grand coming back to me

    just from the golden state. so thank you jerry brown for not taxing unemployment.

    i will be toasting you from the vip tent at coachella right before the replacements take the stage.

    even though i know i’ll never play the lottery i do it anyways because lucky days happen

    the only question is how much do you have on the table when your number hits.

    i drive around and look at abandoned buildings and think of what id do if i bought it.

    there used to be this place on fountain and normandie – a mud wrestling place.

    its been shuttered for years and years. strange, because you can see it from the hollywood freeway

    youd think any advertisement you could paint on your wall would pay the rent all by itself.

    but no it sits there empty maybe because its right up against a residential neighborhood

    and people would whine if drunks made too much noise in the parking lot.

    found out from my pee doctor that the pee test i took was fine

    he was a little disappointed that i delivered 2.5 liters of urine during the 24 hour test.

    he says 2 is normal and i might be over doing it with the water, which is nice.