busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, January 16, 2016

    as you know i rarely have dreams 

    Taylor Swift but last night i did.

    and the guest star was Taylor Swift, who my mom does not like AT ALL.

    and we were talking and i had lots of questions and because i keep it real i told her that when i first heard “Shake It Off” i hated it and couldnt understand what was going on in her life that she felt like she had to make that song

    and her face scrunched up

    and i told her, it reminded me of the first time i visited LA. the year was 1984. i was here for the Rose Bowl to see Illinois play UCLA and – i’ll never forget – i was in the parking lot at the little outdoor mall in Marina Del Rey. they used to have an arcade there. now it’s a movie theater.

    and i was in the parking lot and the dj said, “and now get ready because we have something here that you wont believe, but it’s true, it’s the new song from Van Halen. you have to believe me that it’s really them, because this sounds like nothing youve ever heard before”

    and they played “Jump” and at first i was all, what the hell is wrong with eddie that he thinks he needs to put synthesizers in Van Halen of all things. and it was weird and poppy and it turned out to be their biggest hit of all. just like Shake it Off became your biggest hit of all.

    and taylor unscrunched her face and smiled and said some stuff that i couldnt hear BECAUSE DREAMS ARE RETARDED.

    and when i woke up i thought to myself, holy crap, taylor swift is going to do a surprise set at Coachella this year!

    thats what this dream “means”. thats why Coachella hired Calvin Harris. that’s why they dont care if Guns n Roses turns out to be terrible like they were when they opened for the Stones way back when at the Coliseum. taylor swift is gonna full on do a little show and of course it will be a surprise because if they booked her for realsies everyone would take shit about Coachella, but if she just la la la oh hi im here, whats this a mic, whats this my guitar? oh hi. heres a little song you might know

    and they do Shake it Off in the desert and then Bad Blood and all her mfing squad shows up and struts around

    and then Slash struts around

    it will be the biggest thing of all.

    weekend one only, naturally.

    and the only thing that could ruin this great plan is if i actually get tickets for weekend one, so to preserve this, i will just stay at home so all the kids can have their minds blown. youre welcome. ps f dreams.

  2. Monday, September 21, 2015

    i am the most complicated man 

    chicago

    i try to avoid the past but half of my thoughts are about the past.

    i try to live in the now but i cant help but try to predict the future.

    when i go to chicago i love love love it but when i come back home i love it even more.

    the kids love me and i love them but if i never have any thatd be fine with me but if i ever had some im sure id be an incredible dad or the worst of all because i would keep it real with them and say things like

    bill murray and carrie fisherlife isnt fair dont ever think it is.

    i wouldnt tell them shit about santa claus id point to the portrait over the fireplace of a black Jesus and id say its that guy’s birthday coming up and we should do stuff for OTHER people instead of asking for a barbie dream house. its not even your birthday! how do you think you should get a bunch of stuff and chop down a tree and leave cookies out for reindeers we live in Hollywood, how many reindeers you see here baby?

    but then id probably buy them the biggest barbie dream house of all and sign it, happy my birthday – jesus.
    my cats missed me. they came running to me when i got home last night. they were all hey man thought you croaked or something.

    xbi texted me while i was on the FlyAway bus asking how the Feel No Pain remedy worked on my arms and hands and i dont wanna tell them that it totally worked but they know.

    lord knows, they know.

    today is bill murrays birthday and i dont know what to do about it. drink without a shirt? walk down Hollywood Blvd. and just congratulate everyone I pass?

    he had the best advice about being rich and famous, he said if thats what you really want to do, just be rich. and then be super generous to everyone without telling them youre rich. no one has to know. he said that would cover most of what you get out of being famous.

    and the best is you avoid the people who just want you cuz yr famous.

    guess bill screwed that part up.

    do you know  something that i love today?

    i love that Ryan Adams covered Taylor Swift’s entire album, 1989, which was pretty terrible, but a band called Father John Misty covered Adams’ cover of Blank Space in the style of Lou Reed.

    THIS is a record I want.

    I’d buy a damn record player just to play it if it only came on vinyl.

    i also love that i have today off so i can do my laundry and read the bible and order thai and maybe take a nap with the window open and the fan blowing

    knowing that Jay Cutler wont lose the game for the Bears next Sunday or probably the Sunday after that

    and the Cubs are peaking at exactly the right time.

    timing, as you know, is everything.

  3. Tuesday, February 10, 2015

    should Jay-Z accept Taylor Swift’s invitation to brunch 

    taylor swift asks jay-z to brunch

    oh hell no.

    when you’re currently married to the most amazing woman in pop music,

    the last thing you wanna do is screw that up in any way.

    i dont wanna say that women get jealous, but ive met some jealous women

    and it doesnt matter if you’re out with a truck driver or a beauty queen

    when you get home you’ll have some ‘splaining to do.

    and there are no correct answers in that interrogation.

    if youre smart you wear a police body camera, but even then a jealous woman will question your every laugh, your answers, the way you didnt proclaim your undying love to your betrothed.

    it’s lonely on top and jay-z knows this. he didnt go after kanye when kanye

    rightfully

    ascended the stage sunday to challenge Beck’s win over Beyonce.

    jay obediently stood by his queen.

    he has 99 problems.

    if he goes to brunch with anyone  else he’ll have 99 more.

    aint nobody got time for that.

  4. Tuesday, August 5, 2014

    why i love taylor swift 

    how does taylor swift write this song at 20 years old

    on her third record.

    after she has already written all the good songs youre supposed to write

    but then she goes and writes this one.

    nbd

    tell me that tom waits’ is that much better

    [ducks]