nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, October 29, 2018

    busy philipps’s book is good, you guys 

    a long time ago i dated a wonderful young woman whos bff was busy philipps’ bff and in 2005 i interviewed her on my short lived podcast and she was a delight.

    so needless to say, i have been rooting for her.

    her book is really good you guys. she tells it all. perfectly. and if you get the audio book she reads it and it just flows.

    i listen to a lot of “books on tape” because im a busy gentleman and im in my car a lot and even with all the channels that Sirius delivers, often i just want to hear someone reading a book to me.

    i prefer the ones where the author reads it themselves but sometimes those are bad too because the author isn’t great at reading.

    busy being a longtime actress is fantastic at reading and it’s her life and so it should be great. but on top of that she has weirdly interesting tales to tell about her rise to fame and the struggles she had getting there.

    for example did you know that she wrote the concept for Blades of Glory, the comedy starring Will Ferrel and Jon Hader? i didnt either. and the reason we dont know about it is a very sad story that she describes perfectly right down to someone telling her that no one cares who the writer is… and how that plays out at the hollywood premiere.

    sorry, writers.

    there were some tragic moments, some happy moments, and even if you watch her Instagram story every day like i do, there was one surprise about her relationship with her husband that i for sure didnt see coming. mama mia.

    but best of all are her impersonations. when she reads the quotes of her mom, michelle williams, and her other bff Emily BB, they are hilarious and perfect. especially how softly she delivers michelle and Emily’s words.

    the release of her book came at the perfect time because she just taped her new talk show for E! yesterday and maybe im not her demographic but i wasnt crazy about the first episode, but i am for sure crazy about the book because it is a very good look at the inside of hollywood from a person who is super honest and has done big things on tv and film and was right there for some really interesting moments.

    i wish busy all the luck on the tv show. i will continue to watch it and im sure it will get better. first shows rarely tell you what it will look like in the future. i clearly remember not being gaga over the first shows of Trevor Noah or Colbert’s Late Show and now i cant get enough of them. so maybe it’s me.

    anyway, if i ever do a podcast again i would love to interview her because the book had me asking lots of questions that didn’t really seem resolved.

  2. Wednesday, May 30, 2018

    the funny thing about twitter we pretend it’s not dangerous 

    bloggers could have told you decades ago that writing what you really feel

    in public

    is a risky proposition, especially if you are a bad person deep down.

    now im one of the few people who didn’t vote for the president who liked the new Rosanne reboot.

    sure it was cheesy at times and dumb at others, but for the most part it was funny

    and a few of the people wore Cubs stuff.

    also, Rosanne was an Uber driver, which is hilarious to me, now more than ever.

    the fact that her character was a Trump supporter, i thought was punk rock

    because the majority of Trump supporters have this weird false idea that this allegedly rich dude

    who has never done anything for working people like The Connors

    is suddenly looking out for the average American family.

    and the new Roseanne show painted that twisted image beautifully in all of its shabby chic pathetickness.

    but TV Rosie would have never known what Real Life Rosie was all about because TV Rosie didn’t use Twitter or get shoutouts from the president or did she have 685,5000 followers.

    she was just a grandma with bad knees with a decent one-liner every 2 minutes.

    Real Rosie believes in conspiracy theories, thinks racist jokes are funny, and just tweeted millions of dollars down the drain.

    which is to say nothing about her cast and crew who are now jobless.

    the funny thing about twitter is it is fire and it can burn those who don’t respect it

    and one way to respect it is to respect others.

    Rosanne is old enough to know that comparing black people to apes is like suicide by cop.

    she waved her gun around hoping to get shot and they shot her down.

    what i wish she would have done is taken that devil-may-care attitude to having her character express


    why she, who prospered during Obama, suddenly is backing the opposite of that.

    but sometimes intellectualism doesn’t reach across the aisle.

    even if it would have meant even bigger ratings.


  3. Monday, April 30, 2018

    theres a big bru-haha over some jokes and i have a hot take 

    if you cant take a joke about you, then fuck you.

    if you invite a comedian to your event and you have dressed up and all your friends dressed up and if theres some serious parts, some boring parts

    and then a part for 19 minutes where what amounts to the court jester points his or her stick at you

    and lampoons you in exactly the same way that they have been doing for centuries and centuries

    and you sit up there and make a face like you just ate a bad lemon

    and in reality you are a very not nice person in your actual job and the jester is IN JEST talking about it

    then fuck you, your friends, the people you work with and the people who raised you

    because you have not learned shit about life and your peers have not supported you in how to behave.

    we have a president who says and does whatever the fuck he wants to do and no one is apologizing for his behavior

    likewise we have had a White House Press Whatever dinner for decades

    and man after man after man after man has got up on there and played the role of the court jester

    but now that a woman does it in a comedically whiny scratchy delivery



    fuck that, fuck you, fuck this

    i decide whose head gets chopped off and for now i want everyones head on

    and looking at each other and when the funny lady says the funny things, fucking laugh

    like a human fucking being for once in your stupid life.

    flint still doesnt have clean water.

  4. Tuesday, November 21, 2017

    is everything terrible 

    will the sun come out ever again

    will the moon rise?

    do the birds even wanna chirp chirp chirp in the morning for us

    do we even deserve it?

    CBS the Morning was my jam, it woke me up.

    i loved it because there wasn’t any fucking bullshit in there.

    it was gale and nora and old man charlie rose

    and charlie had seen it all so he sat there a little slumped over, smiling , cute little southern drawl slipping out

    and nora and gayle pretended to flirt with him every now and then

    sometimes theyd bring in the new kids from different CBS news shows but no one wanted them around.

    i loved how only now and then all three were there.

    i loved how one of them was always on vacation.

    i loved it because it made me thing, i wanna be super famous one day.

    so famous that i get to take vacations every six weeks.

    yesterday charlie wasn’t there and that was ok with me.

    but last night we learned why. we learned that Charlie liked to invite female staffers to his home in long island

    and then casually walk around naked. allegedly.

    one woman said he reached down in her dress and she cried the whole time.


    will the stars ever twinkle again?

    are me and my friends the only gentlemen alive?

    are we from a faraway land where we feel slightly ashamed of our not 20yearold bodies

    and thus we would never invite a super model we barely know to watch us shower

    and we would be heartbroken if we made anyone cry.

    at our house.

    in long island.


    and allegedly.

    and all



  5. Monday, June 5, 2017

    when youre as old as i am, very few things will impress you 

    also all of my friends are amazing and have accomplished great things

    either they were in bands, or are in bands

    or theyve created adorable little humanoids who will cure all our ills

    or they have big smokin fancy jobs

    or they are super talented in amazing ways

    or they have hearts of literal gold, which is not as easy as it looks.

    so when i go through my day and i learn about things i usually say meh

    the simpsons did it first.

    when i was at the Times i used to have lunch with Sarah A and sometimes also Ali M in Metromix

    and sometimes Ali would say blah blah blah Katie

    and i would say Katie who?

    and ali would say omg she has the most beautiful hair and shes a great writer, surely you saw her in our office?

    and i would said that office is filled with beautiful haired writers

    which was an understatement.

    well now Katie has done something that will make me remember her forever

    tonight she is appearing on the world famous




    and i hope she wins a fortune.

    and i also hope i can watch it somehow now that ive cut the cord.

  6. Saturday, June 3, 2017

    Bill Maher isn’t the only House Nigga 

    When you think about what the term House Nigga is —

    the House Nigger (if we are to OMG keep it real) was the one who didn’t have to work in the fields because he or she tended to the owners of the plantation, kissed their ass, and pretended everything was a-ok.

    Shit wasn’t a-ok. The House Nigger’s brothers and sisters (often literally) were being abused, raped, treated as animals and objects, and had to watch as their children were raped and used and sold and abused.

    But the House Nigger would fan the Massa and make lemonade and soul food and play the piano and violin and encourage and enable the slave owner to continue its tyranny… all so the House Nigger could avoid the hard work of the fields and enjoy the House food and House comfort.

    So I ask you, is everything a-ok today in your world?

    And if it is not, what are you doing to let Massa know it’s not A-OK?

    The worst answer is: Nothing, I’m smiling and encouraging him as if this is the sunniest day of the year

    Even though it’s raining cats

    and dogs.

    So if we are to get all pissed off about the use of a single word by a white comedian

    Perhaps we should consider the entire phrase, which is worse

    and tragically so when we consider

    that some of us

    may be the embodiment of it.

  7. Wednesday, May 31, 2017

    I have cut the cord 

    My life is now complete.

    went into the store during my lunch.

    dude said forget what they told you on the phone, if you dont want anything but internet, i will get you just internet.

    bing bang boom, im a free man.

    i feel like I just took a $250 dump.

  8. Monday, May 29, 2017
  9. cut the cord today 

    tried to do it online but they make you call

    so i got on the phone and the lady was nice

    was from the midwest but lives in orange county

    for some reason she tried to make that the reason why i would keep cable and my landline.

    i pay $245 a month for those two plus internet.

    so i called to find out how much just internet is.

    i have very good internet.

    what i was thinking about doing is just going internet and trying out the YouTube or Sling or whatever package that gets you like 40 channels for $35, but you need internet to make it happen.

    the lady asks me all these questions like what do i watch.

    i say i pretty much just watch Rachel, PTI and the most hardcore porn you could imagine.

    she wasn’t paying attention.

    she tried to move me to a smaller assortment of channels that would knock my bill down to $199 a month and i was all, yeah nah.

    and then she said, oh i see something, you have 300 mbs and you say it’s just you in the home?

    i said yep.

    she said, well thats far too much for just one person. ten devices could be sharing that.

    heres a few things no one should ever say to me:

    im cancelling our date

    why do you eat so much fast food

    Cubs? oh did you jump on the bandwagon last year

    i would like to slowly murder you

    these gentlemen are here to slow down your internet speed

    so i told her to transfer me to her boss and we agreed to just basic channels and then leave the internet alone for $120 total.

    now i gotta buy a tivo.

  10. Saturday, May 27, 2017