nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 20, 2015
  2. Saturday, October 3, 2015

    my man matt welch was on bill maher last night 

    matt welch with bill maher and the black astronomer

    i was doing shots on the roof of a DTLA hotel the other night and i was talking to a beautiful surgeon

    she was actually the girlfriend of the video guy

    and i asked her, have you ever seen anyone make a mistake in the operating room?

    she said sure

    i said what did you say?

    she said, well i know what i Didnt say. i Didn’t say oops.

    she said, that’s the only word you’re not allowed to say in the O.R.

    and then we cheersed to the Video Guy

  3. Tuesday, September 1, 2015

    how mtv can stop losing viewers during the vmas 

    whywhen i was in junior college selling televisions on commission they turned a hard job into a very hard job by making us sell extended warrantees on everything.

    it was tough enough to get people to give you their money for a big box of electronics, but then you had to shake them down for even more money for a big box of air.

    the best technique i learned was to make the warrantee part of the package. and you had to talk about it early and often as part of the pitch.

    the worst thing you could do is pitch the item, demonstrate, close AND THEN start talking about the warrantee.

    but thats exactly what MTV is doing when they pitch and sell reality tv and mindless candid camera shows

    and then all of a sudden once a year try to get everyone to buy the idea that Music Videos is something of importance to the channel.

    hell, pop culture isnt even of importance to the channel any more.

    they dont have a news program on that station any more. they dont have a talk show. when do they ever really truly talk about all the stupid things of the day (kardashians, trump, taylor swift’s squad, hover boards, emojis): NEVER

    but then every fall they coerce a handful of pop stars to show up at some stupid arena, round up some new talent, a couple of movie and tv stars, and pretend that MTV is still important?

    basically ALL they’re selling at the VMAs is the warrantee. its vaporware. its bread and circus.

    video of the year goes to who the fuck does it matter

    at least this year mtv kept it somewhat real and gave away a majority of the awards during the pre-show when no one was watching and left the real show for what people nowadays care about: performances and entertainment.

    if MTV wants the VMAs to be relevant again they’re going to have to make some serious changes.

    firstly theyre gonna have to start showing some damn videos. which will be tough because MTV seems to fucking hate videos.

    protect mesome people hate success, and MTV will do anything they can NOT to show the world images of Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Beyonce, Nikki Minaj, Selena Gomez and all the rest. which is insane because the kids love these people and are FORCED to go to youtube to watch them.

    you’re telling me kids seriously would rather see these videos on their stupid tablets than on $400 50″ tvs?

    how about this MTV: give away two tvs every day for a year if you want to start some hype. YOU CANT SPELL MTV WITHOUT TV, DUMMIES!

    the next thing they gotta do is get a tv show. i couldnt stand TRL but it served a purpose: it helped establish the channel as the center of pop culture. are you telling me theres no value in that?

    it doesnt need to cost a fortune. it doesnt need to be on the beach or in times square. just have cool kids talking to other cool kids about snapchat and minecraft and get out of your own way.

    go back to the programming that made you great. so what that things changed so many years ago. theres no way it was worse than today. today the station is an absolute joke. it’s like what would have happened if Tipper Gore had taken it over.

    Straight Outta Compton has been the #1 movie for the last three weeks. where is MTV jumping on that bandwagon? have they forgotten that the first time America ever saw Dre and Eazy and Ice Cube was on MTV? Express Yourself! Yo MTV Raps!

    and now they’re not going to reap some of those rewards? WTF MTV?

    the surprise musical guests of this years VMAs should have been N.W.A kicking off the whole damn thing. THEN people would have been talking about something more interesting than that fake beef between miley and nicki. shit, they could have done a live remote FROM compton if they gave a shit about ratings but they hate ratings

    and ratings hate them now which is why theyre in the gutter.

    start by playing kendrick lamar.

    also if nicki minaj wants to fight Anybody, pick her up, carry her to said person, and let them brawl.

  4. Sunday, August 30, 2015

    two years ago today robin thicke peaked and fell in the same night 



    the singer’s “blurred lines” video and single were top of the charts

    it was produced by the red hot pharrell and his video featured the impossibly sexy emily ratajkowski,

    it was cool, it was fun, and perfectly coifed robin thicke stood there as

    the models strutted around him and pharrell counted the money.

    and there he was center stage at the mtv vmas as miley cyrus finished singing her tune

    all about she could do what ever she wanted

    we run things, things dont run we

    billy ray’s daughter then stripped off her clothes revealing a nude two piece number

    and the pair traded lines on blurred lines, namely

    i know you want it.

    robin thicke mileywhile miley touched the Beetle Juice dressed thicke’s nether regions

    with an oversized foam finger

    and then bent over in front of him for about one second

    and minds blew around the world.

    and when it was over he smiled all the way to the backstage,

    changed clothes

    and then posed with a young lady

    and just his luck there was a mirror behind them.

    reflecting her behind, which was being assisted by his giant paw

    sorry, giant married paw.

    and just his luck the young lady posted the photo on instagram, she says unaware of anything more than her face and his face, never noticing the wander hand.

    and then it all fell apart. just that quickly it was over. no one wanted to hear the overplayed song any more. everyone felt skeezy dancing to it. no one wanted to support a handsome pop singer doing what handsome pop singers do when they run across pretty girls backstage.

    thicke apologized so much to his wife he even wrote an apology album and named it after her but that didnt work because sometimes the game is over and it doesnt matter how many times you say Beetlejuice nothings gonna change.

    and then he got sued by Marvin Gaye’s estate for ripping off the late soul singer without crediting him and thicke lost millions.

    the end

    stay in school, dont do drugs

    dont drink and text and drive

    and keep your hands to yrself

  5. Thursday, August 27, 2015
  6. Monday, July 13, 2015

    the one thing i want in the world? easy. hillary vs trump. 


    the last time donald trump was majorly involved in politics i was got to cover it for the biggest political blog at the la times, top of the ticket.

    i was blogging alongside andrew malcolm, which was a treat, but andy wrote from home so i didnt see him very often. he had a small office that over looked grand park, which didn’t look as grand as it does now,

    but it was a view.

    a cozy little airconditioned office with a view.

    since andy worked from home, he allowed me to work there, so as i looked out at feral cats being fed by kind old women

    i got to read and then write about trump claiming the president of the united states wasn’t american.

    pretty much the funnest and funniest thing to write about.

    trump represents all of the dreamy schoolkid fantasies about capitalism and the american dream.

    the biggest being if you work super hard you’ll become super rich and be able to do whatever the hell you want to

    the truth is you can always do whatever you want to.

    me, i just want television to be better

  7. Thursday, July 9, 2015
  8. Thursday, June 18, 2015

    jon stewart had no jokes today because racial violence 

    jon stewart

    the best news comedian in the world today had a very somber opening monologue

    he explained there would be no jokes because today wasnt a day he could joke

    stewart had some biting lines that were ironic and total bulls eyes

    but he was despondent because he knew they wouldnt change anything.

    we’re all doomed. americans. we’re just gonna butcher each other and never grow.

    for why? because some people are different than you. because perceived power.

    because jealousy, fear, idiocracy, and bad parenting.

    what sort of a man gives his son who owns an apartheid jacket at .45 for his birthday?

    what does he think hes gonna do with that gun: save lives or end them?

    God gave up on us once before. not because of sex, dont flatter yrselves

    but because of senseless moronic dumbassery and violence.

    gawker comments

    he probably thought to himself, i made them in my image.

    is that really me?

    thats disgusting!

    it is


    and it’s never gonna end.

  9. Sunday, June 14, 2015

    it’s impossible for me to believe MTV cannot thrive again 

    taylor swift shaking it off

    you cannot tell me that the kids dont love music any more

    or that the artists wouldnt love and be benefitted from being on tv dozens of times a day

    on a real channel, not any of this bs they call music tv nowadays.

    you need vjs, you need trl, you need unplugged. on one meaty channel.

    and how on earth is replaying the new version of Candid Camera all day worthy of MTV

    it clearly doesnt cost nothin but could it possibly be getting any ratings?

    wasnt the lazy excuse of removing videos from MTV the theory that in order to get better ratings you needed original programming at a certain hour so the kids

    would have to tune in at that hour.

    how are four-hour blocks of Ridiculousness and reruns of My Super Sweet 16 appointment viewing?

    and how is that any better for your brand and eyeballs than fresh new music videos from some of the biggest stars music has had in a long time:


    Taylor Swift

    One Direction

    Foo Fighters


    Katy Perry

    these people were MADE to be on your tv.

    how are there not a new Rolling Stones video leading into Miley and Ariana in unicorn pjs?

    does viacom hate success?

    seriously how hard would it be to have  something like

    Monday Open Mic

    where every ten minutes or so one of the biggest stars in music plays a song or two

    a parade of whoever feels like playing their hit.

    all it is is a green screen that they walk in front of and either trippiness gets projected on it

    or kittens playing with yarn.

    because it’s a green screen these artists can be any where. so even though it’s live

    it’s actually being shot all around the world.

    and delivered to your tv.

    your mtv

    for three hours every monday night

    and i bet you people will watch that shit.

    we live in a Selfie World

    music videos were tv’s first selfies

    theres no better time to bring them back.