nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 1, 2015

    i love Mad Men but 

    mad men

    if you’re Don Draper handsome and have a few bucks you get to:

    be a terrible boyfriend,

    a horrible cheating husband

    a miserable dad

    a pathetic drunkard

    a horrible boss

    an unreliable partner

    and an all-around grumpy guy to cross paths with

    especially if you’re an idealistic hippie trying to fight The Man.

    i love it not because i want to be Don Draper

    but because i never want any part of that.

    and i cant wait to see him die.

  2. Wednesday, March 4, 2015
  3. Wednesday, February 18, 2015

    saw that new show The Slap last night 

    there is nothing

    didnt really care very much about any of the people

    and especially not the little kid who got slapped.

    and then he got slapped i was supposed to feel something?

    the recipe in telling a story is super dooper easy:

    introduce likable characters,

    screw them over royally,

    see if they can overcome it.

    if they can, great, if they cant


    the problem with the first episode is who cares about the overachieving yuppie guy

    or his brother with the awkward crush on the babysitter?

    the other problem is the bratty kid who got slapped is fake:

    he is always mean to everyone all the time

    unless he is being breastfed by his mom even though he’s like 8.

    the whole thing is in this alternate universe that we’re supposed to understand and relate to but sorry, these are tv figments

    they will go live in their own unwatched universe and something will happen that i will never know about and thats ok with me.

    fuckers even went so far as to pretend there are still

    actual, physical airline tickets any more.

    as if.

  4. Wednesday, February 4, 2015

    when animals teach us why being human is great 

    lefty sharkthe shark during the katy perry super bowl halftime show immediately jumped into our hearts.

    he was off beat, out of sync, didnt know the moves, but instantly endeared the entire globe and then internet

    Left Shark reminded us that to err is not just human, but adorable when you clearly dont give a damn.

    sadly we live in a Right Shark world: an idealized place where every move, though manufactured, is better because it is predictable. cooler because it is straight.

    in Left Land whatevers a way of life.

    practicing would kill the spontaneity, and Lord knows being dressed as a dancing shark isn’t interesting enough: now do it without knowing the routine.

    that’s what separates us from apes.

    blatant unpreparedness.

    on tv.

    dressed like a sea monster.

    long live the left shark revolution!

  5. Tuesday, January 20, 2015
  6. Friday, December 19, 2014
  7. Tuesday, December 16, 2014
  8. Wednesday, November 26, 2014

    figured out what the movie im writing is 

    david lynch

    every week on hbo there will be four 15 minute uber tales shown
    every week it will be four different actors
    every week it will be directed by a different director

    some of the segments will be traditional television: guy picks up a passenger, they hit it off, theres laughs and then they drop them off.

    but some of the segments will be


    what does the uber guy do during a break
    why did he take a break
    why does he stop his break

    a 15 minute drive where no one talks

    robert de niro is the uber driver
    two girls get in the back
    all they do is talk to each other
    de niro doesnt talk
    but we do see his facial expressions now and then
    as he listens to their stories

    the beauty with this format is you never know who they will pick up
    and you never know who’s gonna drive.

    as the weeks go on, some of the same drivers are featured
    will de niro say anything this week?
    hey arent those the same chatty girls as two weeks ago?
    but this time mike tyson is the driver
    or al gore
    or pee wee herman

    maybe pee wee is the driver and some old lady wants to talk about mike brown.
    or some saudi guy wants to talk about how he just smoked weed yesterday for the first time.
    or prince wants to play a 15 minute guitar solo
    because he has a battery operated amp he just bought
    and wants to know how good it sounds in a car

    maybe some great actress wants to show how great she is
    and delivers a 10 minute soliloquy
    and when we finally see the driver
    it’s stephen hawking
    or hologram tupac
    or borat

    who just says
    very niiiice
    and then they run into a bus.

    i think thats what the show is.

  9. Monday, November 24, 2014

    saw mockingjay last night 

    american music awardsit was fine. nothing amazing. a placeholder but a perfectly fine placeholder.

    the biggest applause at the end was when they put Phillip Seymore Hoffman’s name on the screen at the beginning of the credits.

    i must say, it is nice to hop in a car, drive a half hour and see a brand new movie, free, in one of the best movie theaters in the world. perfect sound and picture. nobodys talking. it wasnt even as packed as i thought it would be. maybe because there was no panel afterwards. who knows.

    this is gonna be a short work week. i plan to drive though. not sure if i wanna drive on wednesday. the paper says its going to be super crazy terrible traffic like omg.

    might go see dumb and dumber to on wednesday if thats the case. imagine you get a ride to the airport and the guy is late and the traffic is terrible and then you have to deal with LAX.

    theyd have to give me triple pay to do that.

    and be super nice.

    last night i watched playboy after dark. whoops i mean the american music awards.

    dont get me wrong, im a red blooded straight american man.

    sexy or slutty, which was it? guess it all depends on who you ask. to me it made me a little happy because the women were very pretty and i enjoyed the songs.

    but it made me a lot sad because pop music is usually horrible, but occassionally you can see some hope there. like everythings gonna be ok.

    lorde was good.

    but can she save rock n roll?

  10. Sunday, November 2, 2014