nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, June 18, 2015

    jon stewart had no jokes today because racial violence 

    jon stewart

    the best news comedian in the world today had a very somber opening monologue

    he explained there would be no jokes because today wasnt a day he could joke

    stewart had some biting lines that were ironic and total bulls eyes

    but he was despondent because he knew they wouldnt change anything.

    we’re all doomed. americans. we’re just gonna butcher each other and never grow.

    for why? because some people are different than you. because perceived power.

    because jealousy, fear, idiocracy, and bad parenting.

    what sort of a man gives his son who owns an apartheid jacket at .45 for his birthday?

    what does he think hes gonna do with that gun: save lives or end them?

    God gave up on us once before. not because of sex, dont flatter yrselves

    but because of senseless moronic dumbassery and violence.

    gawker comments

    he probably thought to himself, i made them in my image.

    is that really me?

    thats disgusting!

    it is


    and it’s never gonna end.

  2. Sunday, June 14, 2015

    it’s impossible for me to believe MTV cannot thrive again 

    taylor swift shaking it off

    you cannot tell me that the kids dont love music any more

    or that the artists wouldnt love and be benefitted from being on tv dozens of times a day

    on a real channel, not any of this bs they call music tv nowadays.

    you need vjs, you need trl, you need unplugged. on one meaty channel.

    and how on earth is replaying the new version of Candid Camera all day worthy of MTV

    it clearly doesnt cost nothin but could it possibly be getting any ratings?

    wasnt the lazy excuse of removing videos from MTV the theory that in order to get better ratings you needed original programming at a certain hour so the kids

    would have to tune in at that hour.

    how are four-hour blocks of Ridiculousness and reruns of My Super Sweet 16 appointment viewing?

    and how is that any better for your brand and eyeballs than fresh new music videos from some of the biggest stars music has had in a long time:


    Taylor Swift

    One Direction

    Foo Fighters


    Katy Perry

    these people were MADE to be on your tv.

    how are there not a new Rolling Stones video leading into Miley and Ariana in unicorn pjs?

    does viacom hate success?

    seriously how hard would it be to have  something like

    Monday Open Mic

    where every ten minutes or so one of the biggest stars in music plays a song or two

    a parade of whoever feels like playing their hit.

    all it is is a green screen that they walk in front of and either trippiness gets projected on it

    or kittens playing with yarn.

    because it’s a green screen these artists can be any where. so even though it’s live

    it’s actually being shot all around the world.

    and delivered to your tv.

    your mtv

    for three hours every monday night

    and i bet you people will watch that shit.

    we live in a Selfie World

    music videos were tv’s first selfies

    theres no better time to bring them back.

  3. Sunday, June 7, 2015

    matt welch has a solid, unhysterical interview with Rand Paul 

    my man matt welch should have his own tv show.

    maybe just call it


    on it he can talk to politicians, musicians, and baseball people.

    it should be on msnbc and it should follow Maddow.

    why? because when matt talks with people he isn’t trying to be showbiz and crazy

    and omg.

    he just wants to get to the bottom of things in an intellectual and normal way.

    because of that, his guests dont have to – if they dont wanna – put on all of their weirdo little affectations.

    in this week’s interview with the republican frontrunner, they talk about drugs, snowden, and the NSA

    as if they were simply sending and replying text messages

    in lowercase.

    this is what some of us want, american tv programmers.

    we dont need phony baloney hosts getting all cray.

    maybe some of the simpleminded do, but many of us dont.

    we can find our entertainment elsewhere.

  4. Sunday, May 31, 2015

    that night the ramones did a tom waits song on letterman 

    When I’m lying in my bed at night
    I don’t wanna grow up
    Nothin’ ever seems to turn out right
    I don’t wanna grow up
    How do you move in a world of fog
    That’s always changing things
    Makes me wish that I could be a dog
    When I see the price that you pay
    I don’t wanna grow up
    I don’t ever wanna be that way
    I don’t wanna grow up

    Seems like folks turn into things
    That they’d never want
    The only thing to live for is today
    I’m gonna put a hole in my TV set
    I don’t wanna grow up
    Open up the medicine chest
    And I don’t wanna grow up
    I don’t wanna have to shout it out
    I don’t want my hair to fall out
    I don’t wanna be filled with doubt
    I don’t wanna be a good boy scout
    I don’t wanna have to learn to count
    I don’t wanna have the biggest amount
    I don’t wanna grow up

    Well when I see my parents fight
    I don’t wanna grow up
    They all go out and drinking all night
    And I don’t wanna grow up
    I’d rather stay here in my room
    Nothin’ out there but sad and gloom
    I don’t wanna live in a big old tomb
    On Grant Street

    When I see the 5 o’clock news
    I don’t wanna grow up
    Comb their hair and shine their shoes
    I don’t wanna grow up
    Stay around in my old hometown
    I don’t wanna put no money down
    I don’t wanna get me a big old loan
    Work them fingers to the bone
    I don’t wanna float a broom
    Fall in love and get married then boom
    How the hell did I get here so soon
    I don’t wanna grow up

  5. Sunday, May 17, 2015

    rip dave 

    daveback in the early days of civilization, before everyone had televisions in their pockets

    you had to watch tv with your whole  family.

    one christmas i was at my grandparents house in southern georgia. we had eaten dinner, played cards, and after the ice cream had been served, a new show was to air

    late night with david letterman.

    i was excited about this because i had seen his short-lived morning show and it was fantastic.

    i clearly remembered one episode where there was a small marching band on stage next to dave and confetti was falling and a young lady was spinning  a flaming baton

    and as the credits rolled some of the falling confetti kissed the flame from one of ends of the baton

    and caught fire

    and as the credits rolled, a fire extinguisher blew it all out.

    i was all wha????

    that show lasted about a year and a year later there i was sitting in my grandfathers living room and i told him we gotta watch this new show and i was not at all disappointed.

    it was so not johnny carson but just as good, right off the bat.

    everyone loved johnny, myself included, and it wasnt even that johnny was losing steam or anything, he was the essence of class and still had it.

    dave was the opposite of that. but not in a rude way, in almost a cable-access way. and proud of it. still it was like who the hell gave this guy a show.

    which, by the way, was basically my grandpas reaction. he didnt even reward it enough by falling asleep to it in his recliner that winter night.

    he took off his glasses, got up, and retired for the evening.

    which to any teenager was a golden seal of approval.

    dave did shows in hotel rooms, he wore a sweater. paul was in the bed next to him, on a synthesizer. he threw stuff off the roof. he had good bands on.

    but best of all dave wasnt a disgusting sellout suck-up fake.

    you could see that from day one and here he is at the end of his incredible run and he never became one.

    jay and dave

    unfortunately you cant talk about dave without talking about jay

    the judas

    before jay did the one thing he knew he should never do,

    he would come on late night and tell funny jokes with an edge

    some of the funniest were the ones about jay being pissed off about something.

    dave would tee it up by saying, now jay i hear theres something youre a little upset with

    and jay would play it up with a deep voiced, are you saying i have a beef, something stuck in my craw? well yes, dave, i do.

    and he would tell some good jokes.

    the fact that dave had jay on dozens and dozens of times and then jay stole the tonight show from him still baffles me.

    and whats worse about that whole thing is once jay stole it, he brought nothing to it.

    his best bits were howard stern rip offs.

    meanwhile dave had innovated late night right before leno’s eyes.

    how do you just rob a man of his one true goal?

    but in a weird little way, dave not getting his obvious reward made him even more the everyman we always loved about him.

    they pelted us with rocks and garbage.

    weird as he was, you could always relate to dave, in part because so many of us had watched him grow into the staple that he was.

    meanwhile jay was this terribly bland sideshow that reminded us that ratings sometimes just means lowest common denominator.

    drew on dave

    deep down all you want is the coolest girl to notice you

    and say hi.

    bye dave.

  6. Thursday, April 30, 2015
  7. Saturday, April 25, 2015

    im the most boring man in america 

    bruce jenner wheatiesi wont be married three times. i wont win a decathalon. i wont raise the kardashian sisters

    and then kendall and kylie.

    and i dont run around in the shadows wearing womens clothes.

    my needs and desires are simple. i am simple. bruce jenner is 65 and looks better than i do and is more punk rock than i’ll ever be.

    last night i ubered a little after work and as i was on my way to venice ali called me to see if i would uber her from venice to dtla

    for she was going to take in The Game at club nokia.

    got over there and she and her bff claire were prepartying and i hadnt seen claire in a while and when she asked me what i had been doing lately i drew a blank.

    had i been doing anything lately?

    then she told me how she just got back from belize or cabo or somewhere with pyramids which she climbed. and i aint climbed no pyramids.

    i was so tired that after i dropped them off i went home and curled up with a good book.

    today i didnt go out neither. now im watching madonna’s mdna concert on epix

    because the one thing i did do was i switched from Uverse to Time Warner Cable

    bc i can get 300 mb of internet and the dodgers for $90 a month.


  8. Wednesday, April 1, 2015

    i love Mad Men but 

    mad men

    if you’re Don Draper handsome and have a few bucks you get to:

    be a terrible boyfriend,

    a horrible cheating husband

    a miserable dad

    a pathetic drunkard

    a horrible boss

    an unreliable partner

    and an all-around grumpy guy to cross paths with

    especially if you’re an idealistic hippie trying to fight The Man.

    i love it not because i want to be Don Draper

    but because i never want any part of that.

    and i cant wait to see him die.

  9. Wednesday, March 4, 2015
  10. Wednesday, February 18, 2015

    saw that new show The Slap last night 

    there is nothing

    didnt really care very much about any of the people

    and especially not the little kid who got slapped.

    and then he got slapped i was supposed to feel something?

    the recipe in telling a story is super dooper easy:

    introduce likable characters,

    screw them over royally,

    see if they can overcome it.

    if they can, great, if they cant


    the problem with the first episode is who cares about the overachieving yuppie guy

    or his brother with the awkward crush on the babysitter?

    the other problem is the bratty kid who got slapped is fake:

    he is always mean to everyone all the time

    unless he is being breastfed by his mom even though he’s like 8.

    the whole thing is in this alternate universe that we’re supposed to understand and relate to but sorry, these are tv figments

    they will go live in their own unwatched universe and something will happen that i will never know about and thats ok with me.

    fuckers even went so far as to pretend there are still

    actual, physical airline tickets any more.

    as if.