nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, May 17, 2015

    rip dave 

    daveback in the early days of civilization, before everyone had televisions in their pockets

    you had to watch tv with your whole  family.

    one christmas i was at my grandparents house in southern georgia. we had eaten dinner, played cards, and after the ice cream had been served, a new show was to air

    late night with david letterman.

    i was excited about this because i had seen his short-lived morning show and it was fantastic.

    i clearly remembered one episode where there was a small marching band on stage next to dave and confetti was falling and a young lady was spinning  a flaming baton

    and as the credits rolled some of the falling confetti kissed the flame from one of ends of the baton

    and caught fire

    and as the credits rolled, a fire extinguisher blew it all out.

    i was all wha????

    that show lasted about a year and a year later there i was sitting in my grandfathers living room and i told him we gotta watch this new show and i was not at all disappointed.

    it was so not johnny carson but just as good, right off the bat.

    everyone loved johnny, myself included, and it wasnt even that johnny was losing steam or anything, he was the essence of class and still had it.

    dave was the opposite of that. but not in a rude way, in almost a cable-access way. and proud of it. still it was like who the hell gave this guy a show.

    which, by the way, was basically my grandpas reaction. he didnt even reward it enough by falling asleep to it in his recliner that winter night.

    he took off his glasses, got up, and retired for the evening.

    which to any teenager was a golden seal of approval.

    dave did shows in hotel rooms, he wore a sweater. paul was in the bed next to him, on a synthesizer. he threw stuff off the roof. he had good bands on.

    but best of all dave wasnt a disgusting sellout suck-up fake.

    you could see that from day one and here he is at the end of his incredible run and he never became one.

    jay and dave

    unfortunately you cant talk about dave without talking about jay

    the judas

    before jay did the one thing he knew he should never do,

    he would come on late night and tell funny jokes with an edge

    some of the funniest were the ones about jay being pissed off about something.

    dave would tee it up by saying, now jay i hear theres something youre a little upset with

    and jay would play it up with a deep voiced, are you saying i have a beef, something stuck in my craw? well yes, dave, i do.

    and he would tell some good jokes.

    the fact that dave had jay on dozens and dozens of times and then jay stole the tonight show from him still baffles me.

    and whats worse about that whole thing is once jay stole it, he brought nothing to it.

    his best bits were howard stern rip offs.

    meanwhile dave had innovated late night right before leno’s eyes.

    how do you just rob a man of his one true goal?

    but in a weird little way, dave not getting his obvious reward made him even more the everyman we always loved about him.

    they pelted us with rocks and garbage.

    weird as he was, you could always relate to dave, in part because so many of us had watched him grow into the staple that he was.

    meanwhile jay was this terribly bland sideshow that reminded us that ratings sometimes just means lowest common denominator.

    drew on dave

    deep down all you want is the coolest girl to notice you

    and say hi.

    bye dave.

  2. Thursday, April 30, 2015
  3. Saturday, April 25, 2015

    im the most boring man in america 

    bruce jenner wheatiesi wont be married three times. i wont win a decathalon. i wont raise the kardashian sisters

    and then kendall and kylie.

    and i dont run around in the shadows wearing womens clothes.

    my needs and desires are simple. i am simple. bruce jenner is 65 and looks better than i do and is more punk rock than i’ll ever be.

    last night i ubered a little after work and as i was on my way to venice ali called me to see if i would uber her from venice to dtla

    for she was going to take in The Game at club nokia.

    got over there and she and her bff claire were prepartying and i hadnt seen claire in a while and when she asked me what i had been doing lately i drew a blank.

    had i been doing anything lately?

    then she told me how she just got back from belize or cabo or somewhere with pyramids which she climbed. and i aint climbed no pyramids.

    i was so tired that after i dropped them off i went home and curled up with a good book.

    today i didnt go out neither. now im watching madonna’s mdna concert on epix

    because the one thing i did do was i switched from Uverse to Time Warner Cable

    bc i can get 300 mb of internet and the dodgers for $90 a month.


  4. Wednesday, April 1, 2015

    i love Mad Men but 

    mad men

    if you’re Don Draper handsome and have a few bucks you get to:

    be a terrible boyfriend,

    a horrible cheating husband

    a miserable dad

    a pathetic drunkard

    a horrible boss

    an unreliable partner

    and an all-around grumpy guy to cross paths with

    especially if you’re an idealistic hippie trying to fight The Man.

    i love it not because i want to be Don Draper

    but because i never want any part of that.

    and i cant wait to see him die.

  5. Wednesday, March 4, 2015
  6. Wednesday, February 18, 2015

    saw that new show The Slap last night 

    there is nothing

    didnt really care very much about any of the people

    and especially not the little kid who got slapped.

    and then he got slapped i was supposed to feel something?

    the recipe in telling a story is super dooper easy:

    introduce likable characters,

    screw them over royally,

    see if they can overcome it.

    if they can, great, if they cant


    the problem with the first episode is who cares about the overachieving yuppie guy

    or his brother with the awkward crush on the babysitter?

    the other problem is the bratty kid who got slapped is fake:

    he is always mean to everyone all the time

    unless he is being breastfed by his mom even though he’s like 8.

    the whole thing is in this alternate universe that we’re supposed to understand and relate to but sorry, these are tv figments

    they will go live in their own unwatched universe and something will happen that i will never know about and thats ok with me.

    fuckers even went so far as to pretend there are still

    actual, physical airline tickets any more.

    as if.

  7. Wednesday, February 4, 2015

    when animals teach us why being human is great 

    lefty sharkthe shark during the katy perry super bowl halftime show immediately jumped into our hearts.

    he was off beat, out of sync, didnt know the moves, but instantly endeared the entire globe and then internet

    Left Shark reminded us that to err is not just human, but adorable when you clearly dont give a damn.

    sadly we live in a Right Shark world: an idealized place where every move, though manufactured, is better because it is predictable. cooler because it is straight.

    in Left Land whatevers a way of life.

    practicing would kill the spontaneity, and Lord knows being dressed as a dancing shark isn’t interesting enough: now do it without knowing the routine.

    that’s what separates us from apes.

    blatant unpreparedness.

    on tv.

    dressed like a sea monster.

    long live the left shark revolution!

  8. Tuesday, January 20, 2015
  9. Friday, December 19, 2014
  10. Tuesday, December 16, 2014