nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 21, 2017

    is everything terrible 

    will the sun come out ever again

    will the moon rise?

    do the birds even wanna chirp chirp chirp in the morning for us

    do we even deserve it?

    CBS the Morning was my jam, it woke me up.

    i loved it because there wasn’t any fucking bullshit in there.

    it was gale and nora and old man charlie rose

    and charlie had seen it all so he sat there a little slumped over, smiling , cute little southern drawl slipping out

    and nora and gayle pretended to flirt with him every now and then

    sometimes theyd bring in the new kids from different CBS news shows but no one wanted them around.

    i loved how only now and then all three were there.

    i loved how one of them was always on vacation.

    i loved it because it made me thing, i wanna be super famous one day.

    so famous that i get to take vacations every six weeks.

    yesterday charlie wasn’t there and that was ok with me.

    but last night we learned why. we learned that Charlie liked to invite female staffers to his home in long island

    and then casually walk around naked. allegedly.

    one woman said he reached down in her dress and she cried the whole time.


    will the stars ever twinkle again?

    are me and my friends the only gentlemen alive?

    are we from a faraway land where we feel slightly ashamed of our not 20yearold bodies

    and thus we would never invite a super model we barely know to watch us shower

    and we would be heartbroken if we made anyone cry.

    at our house.

    in long island.


    and allegedly.

    and all



  2. Monday, June 5, 2017

    when youre as old as i am, very few things will impress you 

    also all of my friends are amazing and have accomplished great things

    either they were in bands, or are in bands

    or theyve created adorable little humanoids who will cure all our ills

    or they have big smokin fancy jobs

    or they are super talented in amazing ways

    or they have hearts of literal gold, which is not as easy as it looks.

    so when i go through my day and i learn about things i usually say meh

    the simpsons did it first.

    when i was at the Times i used to have lunch with Sarah A and sometimes also Ali M in Metromix

    and sometimes Ali would say blah blah blah Katie

    and i would say Katie who?

    and ali would say omg she has the most beautiful hair and shes a great writer, surely you saw her in our office?

    and i would said that office is filled with beautiful haired writers

    which was an understatement.

    well now Katie has done something that will make me remember her forever

    tonight she is appearing on the world famous




    and i hope she wins a fortune.

    and i also hope i can watch it somehow now that ive cut the cord.

  3. Saturday, June 3, 2017

    Bill Maher isn’t the only House Nigga 

    When you think about what the term House Nigga is —

    the House Nigger (if we are to OMG keep it real) was the one who didn’t have to work in the fields because he or she tended to the owners of the plantation, kissed their ass, and pretended everything was a-ok.

    Shit wasn’t a-ok. The House Nigger’s brothers and sisters (often literally) were being abused, raped, treated as animals and objects, and had to watch as their children were raped and used and sold and abused.

    But the House Nigger would fan the Massa and make lemonade and soul food and play the piano and violin and encourage and enable the slave owner to continue its tyranny… all so the House Nigger could avoid the hard work of the fields and enjoy the House food and House comfort.

    So I ask you, is everything a-ok today in your world?

    And if it is not, what are you doing to let Massa know it’s not A-OK?

    The worst answer is: Nothing, I’m smiling and encouraging him as if this is the sunniest day of the year

    Even though it’s raining cats

    and dogs.

    So if we are to get all pissed off about the use of a single word by a white comedian

    Perhaps we should consider the entire phrase, which is worse

    and tragically so when we consider

    that some of us

    may be the embodiment of it.

  4. Wednesday, May 31, 2017

    I have cut the cord 

    My life is now complete.

    went into the store during my lunch.

    dude said forget what they told you on the phone, if you dont want anything but internet, i will get you just internet.

    bing bang boom, im a free man.

    i feel like I just took a $250 dump.

  5. Monday, May 29, 2017
  6. cut the cord today 

    tried to do it online but they make you call

    so i got on the phone and the lady was nice

    was from the midwest but lives in orange county

    for some reason she tried to make that the reason why i would keep cable and my landline.

    i pay $245 a month for those two plus internet.

    so i called to find out how much just internet is.

    i have very good internet.

    what i was thinking about doing is just going internet and trying out the YouTube or Sling or whatever package that gets you like 40 channels for $35, but you need internet to make it happen.

    the lady asks me all these questions like what do i watch.

    i say i pretty much just watch Rachel, PTI and the most hardcore porn you could imagine.

    she wasn’t paying attention.

    she tried to move me to a smaller assortment of channels that would knock my bill down to $199 a month and i was all, yeah nah.

    and then she said, oh i see something, you have 300 mbs and you say it’s just you in the home?

    i said yep.

    she said, well thats far too much for just one person. ten devices could be sharing that.

    heres a few things no one should ever say to me:

    im cancelling our date

    why do you eat so much fast food

    Cubs? oh did you jump on the bandwagon last year

    i would like to slowly murder you

    these gentlemen are here to slow down your internet speed

    so i told her to transfer me to her boss and we agreed to just basic channels and then leave the internet alone for $120 total.

    now i gotta buy a tivo.

  7. Saturday, May 27, 2017
  8. Tuesday, May 2, 2017

    life is so fragile, even at the beginning 

    Jimble Kimble is my favorite late night host

    he is the everyman who worked his way up from radio to the Man Show to somehow making his way as Adam Carolla’s side kick to Howard Stern’s BFF and the host of the Oscars

    he took every step the way you’d want. He hired his high school BFF to lead his band (along with his buddy’s dad), his Cousin Sal does bits, his wife writes his jokes, his ex girlfriend is a regular guest, we hear about his mom, his Aunt Chippy, and he has made his little security guard Guillermo a star on his own.

    the selflessness is beautiful.

    he even built a concert stage behind his studio so when bands play a couple hundred of their fans can enjoy the mini concert.

    last night Jimmy shared something so scary. His newborn son was born with a heart disease. They rushed from Ceders in Beverly Hills to Childrens Hospital blocks from my house.

    This hospital deserves all the praise. I’ve never heard anything but giant praise from them. I need to give them all of my video games.

    So many prayers for Jimmy and his family.

  9. Sunday, March 12, 2017

    i torture myself 

    not with ropes or chains

    or high heeled ladies in catsuits

    and LED lit ears

    spiked boots and gloomy music

    in a dungeon

    far below the earths surface

    as they insult me with lies and fantasys

    where i did this or that

    and now i must be punished

    starting with this

    and then that.

    sooooo much of this, by the way. so much. omg. like woah.

    and then i have to clean up.


    you can always tell how easy a man has it by how soft his hands are.

    how few calluses, scratches, divots, tears.


    the affluent have scars, just not on their hands.

    but i dont torture myself that way either.

    i listen to news stations and political shows all day

    and all night.

    waiting for something juicy to come from the droning and speculation

    and history.

    but it rarely does.

    still, i wait.

  10. Saturday, March 4, 2017