nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 20, 2020

    went to the americana at brand today 

    believe it or not i was looking for a brownie.

    am i pregnant? probably.

    im sure men can get random cravings too. but this was severe

    typically im a cheapskate and if i want something i can talk my way out of it by saying dude those are so expensive

    for example while i was there i strolled past a Tesla dealer.

    theyre in the malls y’all.

    i have been watching a lot of youtube videos about them, and last month when we ordered a lyft, we got picked up by one.

    they seem incredible.

    naturally the $35k version gets magically turned into $50k after tax if you want the cool features like Self Driving Mode and Bigg Ass Batterryy

    it was dead at the mall so i went in and talked to the nice woman who answered all of my questions

    you can tell when people truly know their shit

    and those who are faking.

    serena was not faking.

    she was wearing a mask i was wearing a mask

    she said, so can i schedule a test drive for you?

    i said absolutely not!

    she laughed and said why not

    i said cuz then i’ll buy it!

    walked past the amazon store and then the apple store

    i tried to thank the manager there who helped me the day before the store had to shut down

    apple has always been great.

    nearly bought a cupcake while looking for brownies

    at that cupcake atm

    but it looked like it had covid all over the buttons and the drape.

    then i met this woman and asked if i could take her picture

    nobody says no to a man in a Cubs cap.


  2. Tuesday, February 6, 2018

    two south african immigrants made news today 

    the first was Elon Musk who sent a rocket ship containing a Tesla car into space this morning

    and then had his rocket boosters fly back to earth safely so he could use them again

    and again and again.

    moral of the story: surround yourself with people who believe that anything is possible

    and you will create miracles.

    the second was the richest man in LA, Billionaire Patrick Soon-Shiong,

    who might take $500 million of his $7 billion fortune to buy the best paper west of Manhattan

    your Los Angeles times.

    moral of that story: sometimes good things happen to good cities.

    always do the right thing, Mookie.

  3. Thursday, June 2, 2016

    billionaire thinks we are probs characters in an advanced civ’s video game 


    yes really

    non billionaire thinks if this was a video game
    a) we’d have better cars
    b) we’d be boning way more often
    c) we’d all be dressing like Prince
    d) there’d be more fire
    e) far fewer people would be starving and walking to get water
    f) dinosaurs would roam hawaii
    g) we’d read a lot less
    h) hockey and Aussie Rules Football would be more popular
    i) intellectuals would be murdered more often
    j) Fox would be the #1 tv network
    k) Playboy playmates would make up half of Congress
    l) Farmers Markets wouldnt exist
    m) PBS wouldn’t exist
    n) hipsters would make better music
    o) we’d have jetpacks
    p) weed would have been legal decades ago
    q) Coldplay would be in jail
    r) 9/11 would happen all the time
    s) Russia would have more dominance
    t) there would be no pollution in China
    u) Bo Jackson would still be playing sports
    v) radio would be better
    w) MTV would have never gone the way of the Dingo
    x) MDMA would be legal
    y) more babies would end up in zoos
    z) freeways would look a lot cooler