nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, January 31, 2019

    today the press secretary said that God wanted trump to be president 

    as you know, im a very handsome fellow.

    is that because God wanted me to be this fine?

    as much as i wish it was the case, the answer, according to the Good Book is nah.

    did God want Adam and Eve to eat from the tree? no, he was pissed about it. did God want the people of the Earth to be so fucked up that he flooded them out? did he want Sodom and Gomorrah? did he want the moneychangers in the temple?

    of course not. Earth isn’t a Barbie Dream House where the same guy who invented a fully functioning heart, self focusing eyes, and skin that regenerates when it’s cut, also wrote a script that we all are forced to play along to.

    how boring would that be for the most common dullard, let alone the man who created photosynthesis.

    even Jesus is shocked when the woman in the crowd touches his hem. Jesus, God himself, walking around Earth is surprised. He’s surprised again on the cross when he cannot believe how long it’s taking to die.

    what part of we are made in his image does the press secretary not understand? like us, God is surprised by things; because, like us, God would rather things happen naturally than him having to micromanage everything; because like us, even if you can convince yourself that you control things on Earth something bizarre happens, like the Cubs winning the World Series.

    how do i know this? the bible. theres not one book in the Old Testament with more divine intervention than Exodus and yet spoiler alert Moses doesn’t make it to the promised land. you don’t think God wanted Moses in the promise land? moses was the face of the Jews. the very same tribe that God said he would deliver into the land of milk and honey. Moses was the one who got to talk to the burning bush, deliver the ten commandments, and truly commune with the Most High. and he’s not invited to Coachella?

    but lets come home to Kings, which is really the only place one should go for guidance in regard to earthly rulers. In Kings we see a parade of both good leaders and bad ones.

    the bad ones were often described like this, “He did what was evil in the sight of the Lord and walked in the way of his father, and in his sin which he made Israel to sin. [1 Kings 15:26]”

    the old like father, like son dilemma, which our president has also been accused of being tangled. a sad patter than occurred before Christ and now after. Papa Trump, according to the failing new york times, did crooked deals to increase his wealth and status, and now President Trump follows in those unfortunate footsteps, but now on a grander scale.

    sorry Sarah, the Lord didn’t want bad kings then. and he doesn’t want them now.

    he didn’t want Aaron to encourage the jews to make the golden calf. he didn’t want Lot’s wife to look back. and he didn’t want me to look this good especially at this age with no hair.

    if he wants anything, he wants us to live our best lives minus the training wheels, cheat codes or stolen emails.

    60 million Americans and a handful of Russians wanted Donald Trump to be President, not God.

    which is why Trump’s too chickenshit to have regular press conferences.

  2. Thursday, December 27, 2018

    here comes a regular 

    if theres one thing the Bible’s taught me is to give to beggars

    today after food shopping at the Jon’s, this car pulls up as amber and i were pushing our cart in the dark parking lot

    hey man sorry to bother you i just really need some food for my wife and kids you can write down the license plate of the car if you want

    i asked for a moment. we finished rolling to my trunk. amber gave me two bucks and i gave it to the guy. all warm in his car.

    and he rolled away.

    a drive by begging.

  3. Monday, June 4, 2018

    and sometimes the devil wins 

    i know i write a lot about the Bible.

    i do it because i am surrounded by the most interesting, most well-read and brilliant minds, but they refuse to read the most misunderstood tome ever.

    sometimes the devil wins.

    i do it because i am the least interesting, least well-read, confused mind, and i am fascinated by it.

    for a so-called book of propaganda, page after page reflects a basic human condition: rebellion.

    either corrupt leaders are rebelling against What Is Obviously Right, men are cheating on their wives, the powerful are enslaving the poor, or the privileged are refuting what they have experienced in favor of what is poisonous for them.

    ignorance, fear, foolishness… whatever their motivating roots,  in the Bible, just like in life, people themselves are often their worst enemies.

    and the devil wins.

    some propaganda when chapter after chapter tribes and cultures would rather make wooden idols and pray to them instead of following the God who oversees miracle after miracle.

    some propaganda when the Son of God appears and is ridiculed and mocked and shunned by even those who see him work his magic up close.

    some propaganda when there is rarely an ah-ha moment by any of the main characters in the New Testament, and those who were faithful are portrayed as insane, criminal, and whores.

    i believe the Bible because it keeps it so real that even the impossible to believe parts don’t seem so wild because what is more confounding than to constantly listen to the devil in your head instead of the angel in front of you

    ride or die.

    critics say God shows very little love for his people in the bible: he floods them, shuns them from the Garden, plays deadly games with them, asks them to Believe with zero proof

    and i agree there are very few scenes where Jesus or Moses or David takes a child or a hater or anyone on his lap and strokes their hair and says, “I love you so much, I wish I could connect with you, I wish you could see what I see when I see you.”

    but the Bible isn’t a cheesy movie. it isn’t Hollywood. it isn’t all the phony baloney melodrama we’ve grown accustomed to. it is a reflection of real life, real relationships, and real struggles and rarely do those include some poetic soliloquy

    and ironically there are very few come to Jesus moments.

    what there is is a general theme of patience.

    God is frustrated by his creations from the first couple and then again by their kid who kills their other kid. and on and on and on.

    At first He’s like fuuuuuuuck these people and wipes them almost all out, but realizes that isn’t gonna solve anything. and the rest of the book is about God trying his best not to slaughter every last asswipe himself.

    but damn if the devil doesn’t win page after page after page.

    without even trying.

    just by being there.

    just by being Bad.

    humans are so attracted to Bad and Fear and Sadness and Misery in the good book – and in life – that they feel more comfort and safety in it than with Love or Peace or Unity or even being a good neighbor.

    every ugly violent act is portrayed in the bible – while beauty is rare.

    but when it does happen it startles even Jesus.

    one of my favorite stories, which seems ridiculous out of context, but when framed by all the suspicion and confusion of the Gospels is when a woman makes her way though the throngs to get near Jesus.

    for 12 years she was, basically, a hemophiliac – she couldn’t stop bleeding.

    she thinks to herself, “if I can just touch him, I will be healed.” so when she finally gets close enough, she touches the hem of his clothes and she is instantly healed. he can feel it all through her body.

    Jesus felt the power leave him too and turns around and says to the crowd, “who touched me?”

    some wise guy said – and im paraphrasing, “bro look around at this giant crowd, everyone is touching you.”

    but the woman, knowingly, but afraid, gets on her knees crying, admitting it was her.

    and Jesus, in one of the most loving moments he will have, says,

    “because of your Faith you are healed. go in peace.”

    the devil doesn’t always have to win.

    he wins a LOT but not always and sometimes it’s the smallest things that we are all capable of

    that can bring healing to our lives.

    but what the story of the bleeding woman teaches me is

    sometimes you just have to walk,

    for once,

    towards Good.

  4. Tuesday, June 14, 2016

    remember when i said i wasnt gonna read the bible on sundays any more 

    tumblr_o8irbsPcFR1qz9v0to3_500well that was crazy talk

    i read it last sunday, just like i have every sunday for the last ten years or so

    or twenty? who knows. who cares.

    all i know is its good to have a little routine in your life if youre a somewhat crazy person like i am.

    i have to do my laundry now. this is probably the only sad thing about my life. my landlord and my request to put a washer dryer in my apartment.

    at the beginning of the year i called her to ask her if i needed to do anything to get a washer dryer and she said first of all you cant have one

    i said but everyone else has one.

    and she said and secondly youd have to write a letter asking if you can have one. so i wrote the letter and it was not answered. now a lot of things could have happened. for example it could have gotten lost somewhere between hollywood and santa monica. it was probably routed to downtown and then something crazy could have happened to it like it was burned by clowns on a smoke break.

    or she doesnt really respect me because i pay the lowest rent in the building. and she thinks that if i have to haul my laundry to the laundramat all the time i’ll eventually get fed up with the lack of basic laundry equipment and move.

    but ive lived here over 15 years. the first five of those years i didnt even have a car and i still figured out how to get my clothes to the laundramat. now i have a bad ass german luxurymobile. i can get my cubs shirts cleaned, have no fear.

    you know what the bible teaches about this? it teaches that i should keep asking. moses’s jews were slaves in egypt. he had no leverage, just like how i dont neither. but he kept saying let my people go. of course he also said i will torture you through freaky plagues, but at the root of it – moses was gonna keep asking until it happened.

    part of me wants to say, look i’ll pay $20 more a month, you know, to cover any water costs. but fuck that. she never responded to my first letter. why should she get an extra $140 a year for being rude to me? i dont even spend that in a year in quarters at the laundromat.

    but i will ask again. i will say. hello, tony pierce here. earlier this year i sent a letter about me purchasing a washer dryer. i believe clowns may be involved and intercepted the request. may i please install a washer dryer in my apartment, in the spot where there are washer dryer hook ups ready to go? thank you so much.

    hopefully shes been reading the bible too

  5. Sunday, March 27, 2016

    jesus was all, its cool, chill out, but they didnt 

    runim almost done with reading the gospels. they’re all a little different.

    it makes me think maybe some biographies should be written in four chapters

    all by different authors

    that way if one guy is easily impressed, thats fine,

    but maybe the next guy wont look at all of it the same way.

    one thing that ive noticed is pontious pilate gets a pretty fair shake in each of the books

    every time its his turn he says

    whats the damn deal here

    and jesus is all

    and pp is like, why are all of these people super pissed off at you and wanna kill you?

    and jesus is all

    and pp goes are you the king of the jews

    and jesus is all

    and pp is like who even cares? angry mob i see no crime here, im out. peace!

    and they were all, no peace unless you kill him

    and pp was all omg finnnnnne whatever!

    so i wonder what four writers would write about bob dylan