nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, September 15, 2014

    what a crazy wonderful nearly perfect weekend 


    one of the bonuses of living in Hollywood is we get things that we dont deserve like special secret concerts

    this weekend we were treated to three nights of Hollywood Bowl performances celebrating The Simpsons,

    which is pretty much my favorite tv show of all time.

    Conan, Weird Al, the people behind the voices, and even creator Matt Groening was there

    it was fantastic and even had fireworks.

    great rundown of highlights on Franklin Ave!


    my buddy Chris who i watched the original four seasons with in college was there along with the Miller sisters

    who could recite pretty much any line from any of the first 10 seasons.

    i wore my Pin Pal bowling shirt and was so full of excitement and happiness that i literally puked with glee

    during the live performance of The Bartman which lead into the fireworks.

    really? yes. it was hot, i was drunk, i had eaten a sandwich with pickles, and i was overwhelmed.

    now do you believe me that im a sensitive poet?

    or was it the xbi….?


    then yesterday there was the Miss America show. which was so amazing that if i had anything to puke i woulda puked too


    it was a cross between Pop Up videos, and the worst portions of Toddlers and Tiaras.

    no one should have won because there was very little to love about any of them except for how bizarre they were.


    why did i watch it? oh because i love Miss America/Miss Universe but also I was on a super huge high after watching Da Bears

    UPSET the San Francisco 49ers in an amazing comeback on Sunday Night Football.

    there really is something absolutely wrong with me.

    not women, not food, not even a live showing of The Simpsons can get me as emotional as a Chicago Bears football game

    i get superstitious, i wont move, i cant drink, i can barely pee. im screaming at the TV

    im live tweeting like a mad man. and finally im stomping around the house hugging the cats

    and screaming to the church members jogging outside


    i’m still flying high.

    im weird.

  2. Sunday, February 24, 2013

    2013 oscar picks 


    best picture
    who will win: Argo
    who i wanna win: Django

    Argo was a good movie where we learned that a superhero named Tony is one of the unsung legends in U.S. history. but Django was funny, raw, weird, brutal, and masterful in telling a story about slavery that no one has either had the guts or insanity to attempt. rarely is absurd creativity and courage rewarded except in the hearts of beautiful women around the world, and award shows. sadly the kudos usually happens far too late in an artist’s career. hopefully QT will get his in an upset tonight.

    best actor
    who will win: Daniel Day-Lewis
    who i wanna win: Joaquin

    DDL’s Honest Abe was subdued and chill. Not really what many were expecting. He was more zen than zombie killer and the fact that he kept our attention through the super long film is an achievement, but Mr. Phoenix had audiences enthralled in a movie that made zero sense and had an even worse ending. He took lemons and made lemon meringue pie.

    best actress
    who will win: Jennifer Lawrence
    who i wanna win: Quvenzhané

    Emma Stone is my girlfriend but Jennifer Lawrence can come over to borrow a cup of sugar any day. she was way better in SLP than Hunger Games, but she had a lot more to work with. still, you can’t give her an oscar for that. give it to the 9 year old with the unpronounceable name for the movie no one saw.

    best supporting actor
    who will win: Robert De Niro
    who i wanna win: Christoph Waltz

    the only reason Alan Arkin is on this list is because he had two of the best lines of the entire year. other than that the rest of the noms all deserve to win. in the first two scenes alone in Django is why i think Waltz should get his second oscar. but people feel bad that De Niro hasn’t won an oscar in 33 years, and only 2 total. but they don’t feel so bad that they wont give it to tommy lee jones… or waltz.

    best supporting actress
    who will win: anne hathaway
    who i wanna win: anne hathaway

    i still feel bad her husband was cheating on her with another man in brokeback mountain.

    best director
    who will win: steven spielberg
    who i wanna win: ang lee

    people love steven and they should. he makes way more good movies than bad ones and lincoln was def a really good movie. but ang lee had a way harder job to do and he pulled it off. THERE WAS A TIGER ON A BOAT WITH A DUDE. AND THE TIGER WAS HUNGRY! plus it was a beloved book that no one ever thought could be made into a movie. Lincoln is basically what youd expect from a biopic but surprise surprise it didnt suck. you shouldnt get an oscar simply because it didnt suck. tarantino and affleck should be on this list but life isnt fair. and because of that the conservative pick will win.

    best animated film
    who will win: Brave
    who i wanna win: Wreck-It Ralph

    some movies are just way too good to win awards. Wreck-It Ralph should have been the 10th nominated film for best picture. it’s perfect. even its details are perfect. plus it’s exactly the direction Disney should be making for its kids films: smart, funny, empowering, lovable, unpredictable, and original. but Brave will win for the same reason Spielberg will beat Ang

    best animated short film
    who will win: Paperman
    who i wanna win: The Longest Daycare

    Paperman screened right before Wreck-It Ralph in theaters and busblog readers overwhelmingly loved it, and they’re the real tastemakers out there. When I posted The Longest Daycare no one even cared. Sure it’s just a mini simpson’s segment that has been allowed to breathe, but it’s more than just a sappy little trick.

  3. Wednesday, February 20, 2013
  4. Friday, December 21, 2012

    once again the media let us down 


    the world didn’t end as scheduled.

    the mayans’ reign of terror has ended in a whimper.

    the winter solstice has come and gone and i ask you,
    was there even a half decent hashtag for the apocalypse?

    who was even the face of the End of the World?

    this could have been the worst marketing fail since the invention of mitt romney.

    where was the guy from the 700 Club saying, “I just prayed and all will be well, so chill”?

    but the biggest lesson we learned from all of this:

    orgies are hard to plan around the holidays.

  5. Friday, October 26, 2012

    love halloween, hate dressing up 

    Milhouse Van Houtendont know what the problem is with me and clothes

    but we have a huge problem.

    im even told i dont wear shorts well.

    i’ll wear a nice hawaiian shirt and some plaid shorts and some white socks and sneakers

    and im told that my shirt is wrinkled, and it doesnt match the shorts

    and my socks are old and white and have lost their elastic

    and that my shoes are too big for my feet.

    so the other day i was thinking, maybe i should just dress as a Blues Brother for the rest of my life

    black suit, white shirt, black tie, raybans, hat

    and a harmonica.

    but im sure someone would have a problem with that too.

    halloween is the worst of them all.

    no matter what i wear people are all, who the hell are you.

    so this year im thinking about either being Tom Morello: Cubs hat, done!

    or an Insane Clown Posse dude: white and black facepaint and orange soda!

    i went to one of those Halloween Stores last night.

    what a crazy world that was. they took over this abandoned mexican grocery store

    and even though the place was packed, they only had two registers open.

    so i put down my mask that had nothing to do with what i was gonna wear

    and went home.

    i hate waiting more than i hate clothes.

  6. Thursday, March 3, 2011

    look ma im famous 

    when i was at laist the american version of the Economist is called The Week.

    thats how it was sold to me, at least.

    today i learned from Jeremy Oberstein, former writer of LAist, that The Week named my description of the controversial logo for the London 2012 Olympics the second best interpretation of alllll tiiiimmmmes.

    2. The Lisa Simpson interpretation
    When the logo was unveiled, many said they could see beloved cartoon character Lisa Simpson engaged in decidedly family-unfriendly behavior. “Was there nobody in the room who snickered when this new logo was revealed today?” wrote Tony Pierce at LAist, back in 2007. Perhaps this is “just some brilliant underground viral marketing for the upcoming Simpsons movie.”

    im just happy to be nominated. especially since i was Just showing this to today’s birthday girl just a few days ago.

    trippy coincidence, batman.

    and call me pervy but i still think it looks more like that than a swastika or a secret way to spell out Zion.