nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, September 29, 2016

    why journalists shouldnt worry about how many friends they have online 


    this week i saw people who have 60,000 twitter followers who averaged 2 likes on each of their tweets

    and i saw a couple of people with 500 followers who had a tweet retweeted 8,000 times.

    there is a quiet elegance about what happens on twitter where

    you have to produce.

    just because youre someones favorite tv star or soccer player or dumbass

    people arent going to retweet you unless they love what you said and they want their friends to see it.

    thats it.

    so even if marilyn monroe was around, people might “like” a tweet she put out there, even if it was crap

    but if she totally busted with some wisdom

    or posted a picture of a particularly adorable kitten

    she’d get some damn retweets.

    journalists should worry about doing their job first and foremost.

    then they should tweet it out 3 or 4 times with a variety of super fascinating headlines.

    one of em will catch if it’s a good story.

    and guess what, if no one is retweeting your stuff,

    don’t worry about it. some people are working and dont have time for fucking twitter.

  2. Wednesday, August 24, 2016

    the cincinnati zoo killed its twitter just like they killed Harambe 

    cincy zooeven though i have been doing social media for a long time, i dont fancy myself as an expert.

    sure there are some who call themselves Social Media Gurus but i have always thought that was a not-so-subtle way to belittle the profession by not equating it to what other people do in similar jobs.

    i prefer Social Media Editor or Social Media Director.

    or in my case, Prince of Darkness.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo, who you may know as the establishment that found its way into the news cycle in May of this year when a 3-year-old child ended up in the cage of a giant gorilla named Harambe.

    all the photos and videos showed the gorilla being kind to the little kid as he dragged him toward a moat. within minutes, zoo officials shot and killed the gorilla.

    the child was found to be unhurt. and the internet erupted in anger and sadness at the zoo for killing the beautiful animal who did nothing wrong.  over a half million signatures were gathered in days demanding Justice for Harambe. donations were raised for the family of the child but the family re-directed them to the zoo.

    which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo’s Twitter account which has been the target of Harambe fans, particularly young fans who couldnt give a crap about Clinton or Trump but who care very much about the dead gorilla who was executed because of a curious three year old whose parents looked the other way for a brief second.

    over the last few months, any time the Zoo would post something on Twitter, the replies would quickly fly in to make it something about the dead ape.

    if the zoo wrote about an Otter, fans would reply by tweeting “Harambe loved otters”.

    repliesif the zoo tweeted about a weasel, the Twitterverse would reply by stating how much Harambe fucking adored all of his rodent friends.

    at one point the Zoo had enough and pleaded for the madness to end, but you can’t tell the Internet what to do any more than you can tell a gorilla not to eat a banana.

    so today the Zoo did the absolute worst thing it could do in this situation,

    they decided to delete the troublesome Twitter account.

    and the response was predictably brilliant.

    “the @CincinnatiZoo killed its Twitter, just like how they killed Harambe,” the kids tweeted.

    some are taking it a step further by writing

    “the @CincinnatiZoo just Harambed their Twitter just like how they Harambed Harambe.”

    because this world is so complex and confusing, it’s hard to really KNOW anything.

    but one thing we know for sure is Harambe loved Twitter especially the Cincinnati Zoo’s twitter account because that was the first place to feature him.

    and even though i’m no expert, even i know you don’t delete your account because people are interacting with you. Interaction is what it’s all about! if you were a sailor on a sailboat and all of a sudden there’s a lot of wind you don’t stop sailing. You sail faster! You thank the Lord for the wind and you zip around that ocean like crazy.

    what the kids were doing was loving one of your animals. Let them do it! Include them! Join in the weird mourning. Make every other post about how much Harambe loved weasels and goats and giraffes and tiger sharks.

    don’t quit.

    not even donald trump quits.

    never quit!

    did Harambe quit?!

    we were put on this crust to rock. in some cases we were put here to rock out with our cocks out. or in this case we celebrate by saying #DicksOutForHarambe

    which is Latin for #WeMissYouBub

    (Harambe loved Latin)

    so in summary, stop killing zoo animals and stop deleting your social media feeds no matter who tweets at you.

    all they’re doing is expressing love.

  3. Thursday, June 23, 2016

    shout out to the inventors of periscope 

    periscope founderswhen kayvon beykpour and joe bernstein invented periscope, the simple way to record and stream video through a mobile device,

    they probably never thought that their little app would find its way in the Well of the House of Representatives so lawmakers could document their peaceful protest after that brave Republican Paul Ryan shut down the C-SPAN cameras

    because he’s such a great leader

    and should probably be president of the united states.

    a few years ago periscope was acquired by Twitter which was a match made in digital Heaven because periscope piggybacks perfectly on twitter, alerting all of your twitter followers that you are broadcasting

    which is what happened yesterday when a few of the Congresspeople realized that they could bypass the Speaker Ryan bravery by simply broadcasting themselves

    from their phones.

    i dont know why kayvon beykpour and joe bernstein arent doing a victory lap around tv shows right now

    their invention helped make the #holdthefloor protest something that people around the world could see

    even the courageous Paul Ryan who probably watched it on CSPAN

    (who, once their cameras were shut off by the GOP, linked up to the periscope feed and broadcasted that).

    bros deserve some props today.

    the busblog salutes them.

  4. Saturday, March 12, 2016

    i have many faults 

    gwen stefaniand one of them is that when someone calls me out on twitter or facebook or whereever, i have a very hard time ignoring them.

    as a gentleman, i believe it’s proper form to return a volley

    but last night something interesting happened. a troll who had trolled me once before was up to his old tricks and every now and then id pull over and reply to his nonsense.

    early in the conversation i realized that he had 68 followers, which is nearly impossible.

    just by signing up and alerting all of your “friends” you should immediately have a few hundred followers

    unless you are full of crap and not who you claim to be.

    so instead of engaging him with his bizarre attempt at mockery as he suggested i was unemployed and collecting benefits, i told him that those were exactly the types of things that prevents one from having a healthy twitter presence and that i would like to enter into a wager with him that my two adorable cats could gain a larger twitter following in a week than this fellow currently has.

    i drove and moved on but an hour or two later a friend asked he who was that troll? so i checked his twitter to see if he had said something new to inspire that question, when i discovered he had completely deleted his account!

    and then it occurred to me what i had suspected all along: if you have fewer than 200 followers you are probably a fraud or a phony or someone up to no good and you should be ignored. this man “Dan” had obviously created the account to rant at strangers and then when the going gets tough he deletes his deal and runs home.

    what a waste of time for all parties involved.

    so thats my new rule: no bickering with fools with less than 250 followers because it’s probably dick cheney.

  5. Wednesday, October 28, 2015
  6. Thursday, December 18, 2014

    last night live tweeting so many ppl were all oh yeah tony go! 

    fingerand then there was one guy who was all wait

    are you really sad that the drunk driver who stole the car

    and led the cops from hollywood to malibu

    while recklessly driving on sidewalks and the wrong direction of the pch

    did get shot to death at the end?

    i wanted to explain to him how there are a lot of other ways a car chase can end that would properly entertain and satisfy me.

    i wanted to type that blood and guts are not the only outcomes of car chases in fact any experienced car chase watcher knows that most endings dont conclude with blood.

    did i want the cops to shoot him? hell yes.

    but not because im blood thirsty, in fact the opposite.

    i wanted the cops to shoot him because i was afraid he was gonna kill innocent people.

    bro was speeding faster down Melrose than I ever saw any one drive.

    and you realize this is 2014: people have headphones on, theyre looking at their stupid phones, they’re high, they’re drunk, there are so many ways a clueless Los Angeleno can accidentally walk out in the middle of a sleepy Melrose Avenue at 10pm, never thinking that a car could be barreling down the road at 100 MPH

    yes, shoot that guy.

    and if you dont kill him, maybe you will let him know you mean business. remind him that this isnt a video game. and let the next guy know you’re not just gonna get a few traffic tickets.

    ironically, right as this anonymous negative tweeter was calling me names, down in redondo beach over a dozen pedestrians including a baby were hit by a car driven by a drunk driver. four people died.

    im sorry Occupy LA didn’t work out for you. im sorry you’re butthurt that sometimes cops do bad things. im black, you dont have to remind me that cops arent always the superheroes of the world.

    but you know who are villains every single time: drunk drivers speeding around pedestrians.

    if you want to debate me about that, put your name next to your dumbshit tweet and we can have a real debate between two human beings. until then you’re just a dumbshit troll with his head up his ass trying to kill my vibe on twitter.

     previously: live tweeting the car chase of the week

  7. Wednesday, December 17, 2014
  8. Saturday, June 21, 2014

    best LA Times Shareline ever 

    dov charney LA Times

    one of the smartest things about the new LA Times redesign is Sharelines.

    most websites have one suggested twitter headline that’s usually a dull version of the original web hed

    but one of the new duties (I imagine) for LAT web producers is to think of three alternative headlines that would work best on Twitter to encourage retweets and clickthrus.

    these three on today’s story about recently booted always entertaining American Apparel CEO Dov Charney show how different suggested tweets would fit three different types of readers.

    that last one tho: instant classic.

  9. Sunday, March 23, 2014
  10. Monday, March 17, 2014