nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, January 19, 2018

    do you know i love you, i do 

    i have been blogging since the begining of time.

    i was handed a macbook pro, and some blazing fast internet

    the Creator said, do your thing my dude

    and right away i was documenting the comings and goings of hollywood, isla vista, and all points in between.

    with a twist.

    in the last 16 years alone i have authored over 11,000 posts and made friends from all around the world due to this humble URL.

    weirdly i tell anyone who will listen that nothing in here is true, and yet they still believe it all and root me on.

    no one more heartily than my dear mother and closest friends.

    i am so blessed i cant even believe it sometimes. it’s disgusting. im sick to my stomach now. hold up. brb.

    the trick to success, as i have seen it, is to utilize the fact that we have two eyes two ears and just one mouth.

    aka listen and learn before type type typing.

    trust me when i tell you this is hard for me. because i have 10 fingers AND 10 toes.

    and believe me when i tell you that there is plenty to see and hear and learn from here in LA,

    so this blog has been a constant battle of waiting and writing.

    for the first 12 years i didnt do much waiting and learning and seeing.

    lately i have been doing a lot of soaking in.

    especially the uber stuff

    which initially was just a way to learn and watch and listen

    but now has turned into something weirder and more loving

    and something that i think about every day

    in a good way.

    which is to say this. if you follow me on instagram, you will know that i have been watching a movie every day. and then writing a sentence or two about it.

    when i am in the theatres the weirdest thing happens: i think about work. never uber, but my real job.

    even last night, during Paddington 2, something that had nothing to do with the innerworkings of my gig, there i was trying to figure out how to be better at it as that cute little bear worked out ways to handle Hugh Grant.

    i dont know why its easier to blog about uber, but it is. and this blog could be 100% that.

    i also dont know why i never think about uber on my down time.

    but i dont.

    maybe it’s because i already know im the best in the world at it.

    no question.

    no offense.

  2. Monday, January 1, 2018

    i drove from midnight to 3:30am, made two mistakes 

    when i told my mom i was driving on new years eve she said


    theres drunks, druggies, freaks, bad people, hookers, pimps, and worse: the underaged experimenting with drugs and alcohol for one of the first times

    but i drove. first to ambers hotel to drop her off as she worked the dreaded graveyard shif

    and then to the Cafe’s 50 on Santa Monica to read the bible from 11pm until the midnight hour, for several reasons including

    i love the bible
    i hadnt read it yet
    and there i was about to drive on sorta Sunday night, but technically Monday morning, but i was nervous because its written there right in stone, dont work on the sabbath. but does that end when the ball drops? would the Lord understand? am i being greedy? am i being lazy since i barely drove all week and there i was doing it on sunday night / monday morning simply because the rates would be very high for a few hours?

    i read. it was about Saul chasing David through the wilderness as Saul’s son did what he could to protect David. it was beautiful. some say they were gay for each other, and i could see how you could see that.

    midnight i was off. 3x surge, four very loud very annoying pretty young women in short dresses, faux furs and Face Time rolling.

    one in the back seat got a FT from this handsome young man in San Diego who was trying to convince her to meet halfway in Orange County. i was all, “i’ll drive!”

    he promised her steak dinner, she said yeah fool Maestros get up here!

    there was much confusion. horns blaring on his side, criticisms being blared on her side from her friends.

    eventually we made it to Culver City, but not soon enough if you ask me.

    already i could see the roads were going to be packed of buzzed drivers and bad uber/lyft dudes.

    my next ride was a $45 lyft premium ride from Baldwin Hills to Inglewood and then a $44 lyft premium from the Dave Chappelle show at the Forum over to El Segundo. on that one the woman wanted to go to Del Taco but her husband, bless him, was all, no no, theres food in our hotel lobby. we settled on iHop.

    right there i shoulda said, “i just made $100 in an hour. go home. you’re safe. no one puked. you werent in an accident. ”

    but of course i didn’t listen to myself. who quits the super bowl in the 1st quarter?

    around 2:45am, after driving little short deals all night in beverly hills, and two cancellations, i got a ping to the Soho House.

    theres two places to pick people up there, on busy Sunset or on the narrow side street next to the garage. so i called as i approached and he was sorta mumbling, which is a RED FLAG to avoid avoid avoid especially at that hour because it means hes drunk or on drugs or up to something.

    he was drunk.

    and he took his boots off immediately.

    and thank god passed out half way there.

    but when we got there he didn’t know where he was and didnt want to get out.

    frail little pup who claimed to work in the fashion industry. his cigarette broke as he gathered his things, but when he called his friend who’s house we were in front of the worst thing ever happened.

    “my phone died. i don’t know where i am. i want to go home.”

    huge problem because i had already ended the ride and they dont let you re-book with a passenger because they dont trust such things. also we were close to my house, it was late and i did not want to go anywhere else with this dude, who i could tell, was VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT HE DIDNT PUKE IN MY BENZ

    so i charged his phone for him as my flashers blinked and cars had to go around us

    and waited and waited, cursing my life choices.

    it charged. he called. and the prettiest black girl i have seen in a very long time comes waltzing out

    with a scruffy white dude.

    they collect my passenger.

    i clean out the back set of trash.

    and call it a night.

    Lesson: I should have just kept my Lyft on exclusively. it was paying better and on a night like that more Lyft passengers were out and drunk and not caring about price.

  3. Wednesday, December 20, 2017

    saw this really good movie last week called Wonder 

    in it is a line that has struck me

    If you have a choice between
    being right and being kind,
    choose kind

    i am definitely guilty of keeping it

    a little too real,

    especially here on the internet.

    but to live up to that quote would be quite an interesting little enterprise, let me tell you

    especially here on the internet.

    theres that other saying that goes,

    take it easy on people bro, you dont know what they’re up against.


    which this movie brings home in a special way. because some people seem like they have it one way, but behind the scenes something is completely different. just  like how pictures of downtown LA make it look so beautiful.

    but when you get in there…

    it’s a different type of beautiful.

    drove this old korean guy across town today. he sat in the front. talk talk talked with a heavy accent.

    told me how he got pulled over by the cops in the 60s in LA and he admitted to the cop that he was too young to drive

    and the cop said, get it together, and sent him on his way.

    told me that he wants his little son to be good at piano.

    i was all i would love to be good at piano.

    and we got to his spot and he said,

    i apologize if i spoke too much. in korean culture, a man should be quiet.

    i said my man you’re in america,

    let it out.

  4. Saturday, December 2, 2017

    there are some people who are rooting against you 

    which is weird because life is short

    and im always gonna win.

    been kicked around from one H&R Block to another these last couple of weeks. have i told you im being audited?!

    whoo boy.

    so at HRB you can get this insurance for $40 that says if the IRS audits you, they will help you win

    and they will even go to court with you if it goes that far.

    as a former electronics salesman who was harassed by management to sell the extended warranties, if someone offers me one these days i just say fuckit and pay.

    life is short.

    render unto caesar whats caesars.

    sometimes you get lucky and the insurance pays off. like right now. only problem seems to be that none of the agents wanted to handle my case because, i dont know, maybe they dont get paid for it?

    so i went to glendale first but they said we’re in glendale, you gotta do this in LA. which im pretty sure isn’t true, but one thing i know about life, if someone doesn’t wanna help you, thats not really the person you want in your corner when taking on the IRS.

    they sent me to k town. but that dude didnt show up. at all. then they sent me to wilshire but then that dude said he had to wash his hair on saturday could i come by during the week before 5? i said i work for a living Leroy, no i cant get in there before 5. so i went in there during lunch and demanded the manager.

    i said what in the hong kong is going on in here? i said every year i give you people $380 plus $40 insurance to do my dumb taxes and now that i actually need you, now that the government is saying you effed up im getting the cold shoulder?

    let it be known i said this in an uncomfortably loud volume so everyone in the joint could hear me.

    i was quickly given an appointment for today. and the woman i got was so good i wanted to hug her. we laughed and laughed and she complimented my attention to detail and i told her that its weird but everything i do for uber lyft i do 100%. super bizarre.

    and she said ok im gonna do what i gotta do and if you come back next week we will submit it and you will probably be perfectly fine. i said, are you kidding? she said nope. i think i already see the problem and all will be well.

    then my car’s engine light went on and i said i guess we’re going to the dealer now. and i went and the guy said we dont have any loaners today can i call you an uber? i said i have a lot of errands to run today will you be paying for my uber all weekend?

    and suddenly a brand new benz rolled out with a bow and my name on it

    for the weekend.

    so fast.

    you steer with your index finger.

  5. Saturday, November 25, 2017

    I get upset easily 

    I have a short fuse. Especially with those closest to me. Which is crazy because those are the best ppl. Why am I like this?

    It’s a terrible condition. I can be so cool, so sweet to strangers in my uber but with ppl who actually know me and Still love me I can be so pouty

    and bratty

    and demanding

    and snotty it’s ridiculous.

    This has to change.

    But I’m not sure how to do it other than seeing a shrink

    and I’m too cheap for that.

    Plus where does that end.

    I’d tell her to read this blog but nothing in here is true other than the uber and the xbi but that’ll distract her

    and then I’ll be pouty with her.

    Seeing a movie tonight.

    Hopefully we both don’t fall asleep first.

  6. sometimes you just drive 

    and the weathers right

    and your car is just floating a little

    and you think, it’s good to have a good car.

    sometimes the radio will play something good

    and unexpected

    like dinosaur jr or janes addiction

    or an old metallica tune will remind you of where



    i was on the radio the other day and the person asked me

    if the fcc destroys net neutrality

    what do you think will happen?

    i said, there was this character in the Firefly movie, Serenity, named Mr. Universe.  he was a reclusive tech nerd who lived on an empty moon with his smoking hot robot “wife”, Lenore.  he was maybe the smartest guy around. so when someone asked him about the bad guys trying to “stop the signal”,

    Mr. Universe said, “you can’t stop the signal.”

    when Uber started appearing in cities, people saw it’s glorious value and unlike many new things, politicians got out of the way because The People were not going to be without decent transportation at the right price.

    The People will not be without fast Internet at a reasonable price.

    the web is not a red blue thing. the web is for everyone.

    not only will the offending ISPs and the politicians who support them go down, but new ISPs will sprout up and leapfrog today’s giants.

    where there is darkness, comes the light.

    and then we took calls.

  7. Wednesday, November 22, 2017

    danielle in san diego asks 

    my love,

    Why do churches have so many white vans? What are they for? Why white and completely non descript.

    It’s suspect.

    To say the least.

    lovely danielle,

    theres an office building on sunset near the beverly hills line in west hollywood. it overlooks bootsy bellows.

    i got a ping today and the passenger was in front and i tried to make a u-turn but i ended up being forced to go into the parking structure, getting a little ticket but then making the u-turn and hoping that there would be no charge, there wasn’t, and finally exiting and seeing her there.

    she was in her 60s, platinum hair. law professor out here on vacation.

    as she talked i thought i heard something.

    do i detect a midwest accent? i asked.

    i’m from chicago, she said. i turned around my cap and said, did you see this?

    she laughed. no, i missed that. and we were off.

    i asked her if she went to the cubs victory parade, she said, not only that but my husband and i went to a world series game.

    it was hot today. 85 or so. the AC was on and when she said that i turned it down one tick so i could hear her clearly.

    he said, im gonna do it. i said if you do don’t tell me any of the details, she said.

    i said, tickets were four thousand dollars. each.

    she said, i told him and now i will tell you, do not tell me the details.

    she laughed.

    later i asked her something about her husband and she paused and said, he’s passed now.

    but he had a long life and got to see the Cubs win the world series after all.

    churches have white vans so they can go to baseball games undercover when they should be doing something dumb like buying wholesale incense.

  8. Monday, November 6, 2017

    are you good at anything? im not 

    imagine you were good at something. like really good.

    imagine you found out you were and someone who mattered said holy crap look at you.

    then imagine you got to do it.

    thats how i feel about uber and lyft.

    i used to think that if i was a great guitar player id be the biggest dick.

    id wear flashy clothes and adopt a british accent and surround myself with weirdos.

    so when i couldnt barely play any chords i was happy.

    because i would never want to be a dick to someone.

    even when people are being mean to me i try to chill for a while

    put myself in their shoes, think about it, look at all the angles.

    when i was a kid i loved art. loved it. every semester of high school i took an art class.

    one of the teachers showed us cubism one day and she said here picassos trying to show you all the sides at the same time. the front the back the left side the right side.

    then in college i had a teacher showing us Tolstoy and she said here he is showing you the fight from the wife’s point of view, then the husbands, then the maids and then God’s

    so i enjoy seeing all the sides and when i drive i try to think, if i was in the backseat of the Benz of the worlds greatest uber driver what would i want?

    the answer usually starts with a clean car that smells fresh, not perfumed, but faintly of orange peels.

    miles davis should be playing softly and the route should be quick and confident.

    if the passengers wanna know some facts about the neighborhoods we are passing by, the driver should not only be able to tell you whats there

    but what used to be there.

    there should be water, mints, napkins, phone chargers, cup holders,

    and wisdom.

    fucking wisdom for days.

    the other day i got my first 3-star rating (out of 5) in over 500 trips. i couldn’t believe it.

    because life isn’t fair i don’t know who gave it to me or why.

    which is sad because im dying to know. not because i wanna fight. but because if there is some feedback that would truly make me the worlds greatest uber driver, i would love to know.

    for example, perhaps they wanted mozart.

  9. Sunday, November 5, 2017

    picked up this guy in West LA on a sunny day 

    it was beautiful, no traffic, i was feeling great.

    picked him up near Bundy, over by The Park Nobody Is Allowed To Use.

    his wife had driven his car to a repair shop that previous night and asked if they could remove the smell of 47 year-old asshole

    when he returned from work later that night, they argued, again, a nightly occurrence, and she finally admitted to him where his car could be found.

    so i was taking him to the shop in Santa Monica.

    it wasn’t a long drive, but in it he told me how they had met in their early 20s, had a beautiful marriage and produced two great kids.

    but over the last 4-5 years she has been unbearable, always snapping at the kids, yelling at him. Doing the weirdest things.

    he thinks she’s bipolar. he’s moved out of the house. but the hardest thing on him is what to tell his teenage kids.

    he was damn near crying in my backseat.

    i said, this is what id say to the kids

    say, you know how when your computer has a virus and the cursor jumps all over the place and the sound won’t work?

    it’s still Your computer, the one that you love, the one that showed you all the cool things

    it’s just sick and needs to get fixed.

    your mom really does love you and always will. she just has to go into the shop.

    and then he really started crying.

  10. Thursday, October 26, 2017

    picked up a guy from what looked like a party 

    i was all were you dudes raging over there?

    he was like, no, im sober, in fact you’re taking me to my halfway house.

    i said, wow, good for you. what was your poison?


    damn bro!

    yeah i know.

    were you guys watching the world series?

    no. fuck Houston!

    let me guess, you’re a Yankee fan?

    Boogie Down Bronx, ride or die.

    dude appeared to be from India but he had a thick East Coast bias.

    do people rehabbing from heroin often come to Los Angeles?

    long story, but sometimes it’s smart to go somewhere that’s less easy to score.

    bro i could drive you somewhere right now…

    oh i know, but it’s not like being in NY and one of my friends coming by with an 8-ball.

    you guys snort H out there?

    in a heartbeat. we get our shit from Bolivia, Colombia, Honduras. it’s the genuine article. LA has the worst heroin, it’s from Mexico. That stuff will kill you.

    well im very proud of you. i can only imagine how hard it was to kick.

    it was a nightmare.

    on Howard Stern, Artie would talk about using some medicine that helped him.

    yeah Subutex. But that was awhile ago. that shit was just as addictive as heroin. it was legal heroin. and getting off that shit was harder than kicking the real thing.

    say whaaaat?

    yeah so theres new stuff now that will make you really sick if you mix it with heroin. 

    we drove through Beverly Hills past Century City. i changed the subject back to the Yankees and filled him in on the game, which was now tied in the 10th.

    i asked him if he had ever read the Basketball Diaries.

    he said, no but he watched some of the movie but nodded off.

    i was all, maybe you’re better off.

    dropped him off in front of a $3 million home, which he swore was his halfway house.

    i said, that looks like a Completely Full House and he laughed.

    then coughed.

    then laughed again.