nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, April 21, 2016

    i knew she was a model right away 

    modelshe was tall, skinny, carefree. made me wait.

    i got pinged about 7 minutes away. i was in venice. i forget why. who knows.

    it was surging almost double the normal price so i accepted it.

    youd think if you ping an uber and 7 minutes later youd be ready, but think again. life isnt like that. youre gonna wait. the pin was dropped on a lifeguard station on the beach so as i went down as far as i could on the street i called.

    hey this is uber

    hi yeah, can you wait just a minute, im in the candy store on the boardwalk.

    did this piss me off? of course. it’s my fatal flaw. it’s the thing that will probably kill me one day. it’ll give me a heart attack. for some reason i believe that if when you order your uber and it says he will be there in 7 minutes, you should be outside waiting when it says he will arrive.

    NOT omg i have 7 minutes, lets browse and then BUY THINGS at the candy store.

    so as i waited in an alley right near the beach i took a snapchat of the scene – which was beautiful – the sun had set – the seagulls had descended – the shops were closing up – the tourists were strolling

    the palm trees were saying just enjoy where youre at, tony,

    not where you think you should be

    so i did.

    and she emerged from the candy store, a tall


    dark figure with good hair and a little bag

    she got in behind me

    said, wanna gummy bear


  2. Saturday, April 9, 2016

    it’s supposed to rain today but i wanna drive 

    eazy e tattoo compton nwalast night was fun but i got tired early and called it quits

    the last ride was a 17 year old girl i picked up at usc. her boyfriend goes there.

    she was pretty dismissive of the school, him, pretty much everything

    except for one thing.

    for some reason i always try to bring conversations to happy places

    and it didnt seem like ours had gotten there as i drove across town to hollywood via side streets at midnight

    so as she texted her friends quietly in the back

    i finally asked

    is coachella still cool?

    she stopped, looked up, and said, omg its the coolest thing ever. im going.

    i should have left it at that but when the silence returned i broke it foolishly with

    are there any bands youre excited about… like guns n roses..?

    she said oh god no. my dad would kill me but, uh no.

    sorry slash

  3. Sunday, April 3, 2016

    im disorientated, im capable of making bad decisions 

    gnr setlistlast night i drove about 12 hours with one break to do a live fantasy draft that took 2 hours. probably shouldnt have done that draft but ive been in that league a long time.

    anyways now im vulnerable to attacks. i put my apple juice glass on the oven and somehow it appeared in the living room. to quote the pixies where is my mind.

    i did 25 rides yesterday. and murphys law some of them went from one end of the world to the other.

    rarely does a driver root for short trips but i sure as hell was these last two days (in order to get the 100 trips in a week = cash bonus) and murphy had other ideas.

    the most classic thing happened in the middle of the night last night when i felt like i needed to do something different to get more than one trip and hour.

    the goal of the day was 25 because i was pretty sure i had 80 going into Saturday but you never know what Ubes might disqualify so basically shoot for 105 if the goal is 100. by 9pm i was at 16. 9 to go.

    so i headed to DTLA in hopes of getting people going from hotels to bars and back again. usually around 9pm if youre in DTLA you’re not like going to the beach or anything – youre staying downtown.

    but before i could get there i picked up two kids near my house who wanted to go to the Roost. well hell, i used to live in Atwater back in the day, so we were talking about earthquakes and Go Bags and everything is fine until i see that i am getting a new ping before i drop off the Roost kids, which is bad news because it’s coming from Glendale and Glendale isnt in the area where the rides qualify for the bonus. it would basically just eat away at my remaining time all for $6. or worse, what if they wanted to go even further out of the area? oy.

    so i drop off the kids and head north to glendale. all the while thinking, please cancel, please cancel. ive heard tell of drivers who will just drive the other way and indirectly force the rider to cancel – that way the trip doesn’t count against the drivers’ acceptance rate.

    but as Christian as i am, i suppose i do believe in a sense of karma, and it’s not like i believe God watches me when i uber (although he Should – it’s hilarious) i do thank him before and after every ride and i do think that if he saw me acting a fool, he’d be disappointed in his favorite xbi agent.

    i have been given a lot of cool things in my life and i treat them as if they were sent from above, which im pretty sure they are, so i do my best not to engage in dickish moves

    so i pick up the guy. he’s much older than my usual late night uber passenger. 55? either persian or armenian. whenever he was speaking his language every now and then id hear “merci” which is not just french, but it’s persian which is even older than french, so maybe he was persian. who cares.

    i see where we are going and its sunset blvd. west hollywood. back in the zone but mama mia, 25 minutes. what you want are 7 minute rides, not whoppers which suck up half of your hour. youre looking for 3 rides an hour knowing you’ll prob get 2. but 2 an hour means you’ll be driving till 1am. and you’re already pooped.

    ok, whatevs, poor me ive gotta go to the sunset strip on a saturday. i fucking love the sunset strip on a saturday. lets rock.

    then he says, oh, we have to make one stop.

    IMG_0267no, no stops. half of my hour. wtf nooooo.

    sure, where are we Stopping

    i say trying not to air my grievance

    turn right here in this alley

    perfect. murdered just 8 trips away from my bonus. actually i had heard glendale does have its share of crime. alright. see you in heaven lemmy!

    we go in an alley. no ones there. i say ghosts cost extra. he goes to his phone and calls someone and a young hot babe comes out. may i interject this older guy does smell really good. a curious blend of talcum powder and old spice, but it works for some reason.

    she gets in and she never stops talking. in whatever language it is. somehow i deduce they’re getting tattoos. somewhere along the way he questions my route. he laughs as he says it. i say, my man, we’ll go any way you want. he says how long you uber? i say two years. he says oh a long time. cool. it’s ok.

    two years is a long time? 25 minutes is even longer old spice guy and on the way i figure out the gameplan: as soon as i drop them off imma go to UCLA and take the sorority girls across campus to the frat houses. probably the most annoying thing when theres not a bonus, but exactly what is needed to get a bunch of short rides, lets just hope a princess doesnt hurl during the journey.

    drop them off and boss gives me a $5 tip. awwwwwww. i flip over to Select Only that way if i do get pinged on my way it’s worth it (3x the price) – and get to UCLA in minutes. lurk down sorority row, nothing. head over to the W because theres no Select cars there and wait. get an X ping from the W at 2x surge. fine. even if its a long ride at least ill get paid.

    very handsome young couple going from the w to a bar on pico. perfect. 7 minutes, theyre talkative, its date night. he could be a male model. shes beaming and dressed to kill. fun. great. Westwood!

    pedrountil i drop them off and i get pinged. the call is coming from inside the bar. awesome. i dont even have to move! they come out, i click to see where we are going. San Pedro!

    im devistated. ive been driving every night all week. and there it is late and night and ive gotta schlep to pluto. home of Watt, but still.

    fine. lets do this. it’s mostly freeway. it’s late. we are a car pool, it’s dark. we’re wearing sunglasses.

    the pair had just been to a murder mystery night where they got fed, drank, solved the murder and then had a nightcap before heading back home down in pedro.

    i ask them if theyve been to bukowskis grave down there, they say no. i try to explain how he was americas finest poet last century but that sounds like he wore a powdered wig so we start talking about OJ.

    dude says he was 12 when the OJ trial was happening and he asked for a got a $30 set of Pogs back then that had all the cast of characters of the OJ trial and Judge Ito was the slammer pog. i told him i am a million years old, i was certainly not 12 during that time and i have no clue what pogs are or were and the most fascinating thing happened, me and the young lady agreed that OJ was probably not the murderer. she says that when she was 12 and the trial was going on she was on vacation and just happened to run into two LA law enforcement ppl who were all, on separate occassions, mind you, OJ was framed. where was all the blood? what was the motive? jealousy? how many celebrities break up and nothing happens compared to how many celebrities break up and theres a double murder: zero.

    so the trip to pedro was worth it because now i dont feel so alone. dropped them off went to the 7-11, got a brownie and a fruit punch Mountain Dew because it was gonna be a long night. and it was. but i got it.

  4. Saturday, April 2, 2016

    i did 22 rides. its now 3am. 


    i did about 11 of them at USC. for some reason you can do a Pool there and get 3 of your friends in there.

    i dont understand that. the purpose of a Pool is so if you and ONE friend are going somewhere and another person and their ONE friend along the way wants to get in too, then it’s sorta like an improptu car pool.

    but when the car is already filled immediately what is the Pool part all about?

    that happened and of course i get pinged a few minutes later and i have to tell the guy theres no room in the inn.

    he understood and canceled but it seems like a major design flaw and im disappointed that Uber never educated us about this.

    whatever, the rest of the night was great. had to go to Pasadena from UCLA near the begining of the night but i didnt let that stop me.

    if anything it inspired me to max out the number of USC rides we are allowed for the bonus (15).

    tomorrow i need 22 to complete it all. but i will do 29 to play it safe.

  5. Thursday, March 31, 2016

    i drove like a hundred miles last night 

    space shuttle mountain

    through canyons no wise driver would drive.

    we have this thing called acceptance rate and just like in life youve gotta keep it up

    so you do dumb things like go up to the top of mountains to pick up who pinged you

    normally youd just cancel that ish because people who live in gazillion dollar homes

    and yet order the cheapest possible uber – well it just seems weird.

    sometimes its a nanny or a kid or someone using air b n b and in those cases its ok.

    but last night i got an Uber Select ping way up on top of old smokey and Waze said it was only 8 minutes

    but just like in life sometimes Waze cray.

    it was more like 15 which is still fine because doing this crazy bonus thing most of your rides net you $2 or $4

    so whenever you can get a Select ride then thats great because not only is that one more ride towards the 100

    but at least this one is gonna be profitable.

    she was gorgeous, wore a cape, i kid you not, was young, smelled like bubble gum and ironically as we were winding down the twisty curvy road she asked me if i had any gum.

    rule number one of being an uber driver is to carry a gun at all times. kidding mom!

    rule number two is have barf bags at the ready.

    but rule number three is never ever ever ever ever ever have gum because you will certainly see it in your carpet or seats in the morn.

    which is why i carry mints, which i found for her and gave to her and youd think youd tip a brother for that

    but the only tip i got was from this drunk dude named pablo who i picked up at a bar who i had picked up there once before

    and we drove to his apartment on the west side and talked about the Lakers the whole time

    and as he was getting out of the car struggled to find money in his fat wallet filled with business cards and promises

    and pulled out one and then two dollars and said thank you amigo

    and i said day nada my friend.

  6. Wednesday, March 30, 2016

    anna keeps sending me pictures as if 

    annalast night when i was driving a nice nanny home jeanine called so i put her on speaker

    she was telling me that she wasnt coming home and i said fine. when it was over she said ok, i love you!

    i replied likewise and when we hung up i explained to my passenger who jeanine was and that she was sleeping on my couch temporarily.

    oh how sweet that you still tell each other you love each other.

    i said yeah.

    the lady told me that where she’s from (el salvador), when a relationship is over there is no i love yous any more.

    i said, america is sorta the same, but there are exceptions.

    it depends, i told her, on how the relationship was and how it ended.

    i told her that when jeanine and i were over we had a breakup party and three bands played.

    maria the nanny had a hard time comprehending it.

    i said, it was a different time. pre 9/11, pre-internet. we were lucky to have cable tv

    she said, but bands? i said yeah, rock n roll was still alive.

    i said but there are other exes that i dont care to hear from any more, like anna.

    then i told her about anna and then handed her my cell phone and opened the text messages.

    almost every day this woman sends you pictures of herself.

    si, i said.

    pretty girl! she said, with a wink and handed it back.

    i said looks are deceiving, as is anna, which is why i dont really respond and why i would have a very hard time trusting her again, which is why it’s best to move on.

    maria’s accent was thick, but she did understand everything

    and as she got out she said, i love you tony

    and winked.

  7. im trying to get that uber bonus again 


    two weeks ago i hit the goal and got the $500 bonus for doing over 75 trips.

    this week they upped it so you have to do 100 trips to get the $500.

    in the small print they say of your 100, you can only do 15 rides at USC so i went there to find out if it was really that easy over there for short rides and sure enough i found this fascinating trend.

    theres a semi-luxury apartment complex where 100s of students live on west adams. and on Fig theres a row of fast food joints.

    if the students can afford to live in the complex they can certainly afford the $4 ride from Panda Express to their home 0.48 miles away.

    usually uber drivers would be frustrated with such a short ride but when youre trying to rack up as many as you can, they’re little blessings.

    i got three of these last night and in the final one i asked the two young men where they were from. China.

    i asked, how do American girls compare to Chinese ones in China. one said he prefers mainland Chinese ladies the other said USA USA.

    then i said, of the Chinese girls at USC do most of them want to date American dudes or do they love the fact that youre from China too? they both said they prefer native Chinese dudes.

    so as they left i said, dont do drugs, stay in school, but they didnt really know what i was talking about so they said, you too!

  8. Tuesday, March 29, 2016

    sometimes you’ll drive for about five minutes 

    bearand you get to their block, and then to their driveway

    and they’ll wave you in.

    and they’ll look at you and then walk into their house

    all three of them

    and you’ll sit there for a few minutes listening to tom petty

    and you’ll think to yourself, what?

    you were right here.

    i was right here.

    i AM right here.

    and you guys went the total opposite way.

    so after another minute i texted them

    i said, hi this is uber, im only required to wait five minutes

    and we are four minutes in…

    and boom they pop out

    and we get going and grandma is sitting next to me and the nine year old is in the back and mom is next to him and young aunt is there. and they say they need another car for the rest of the family

    then they tell me this is their first time in america

    and theyre going to disneyland tomorrow and then joshua tree

    and i think to myself, you are such a terrible person. why cant you be patient? why do you always have to be this way? why cant you just chill you chill in traffic you chill under fire you chill under the most stressful situations

    why cant you just sit in the driveway of life and listen to tom petty

    and wait your damn turn


  9. Sunday, March 20, 2016

    after the concert i was too pumped up to go to sleep 

    kyle schwarber mitt

    so at 1am i got back on the road.

    i had already hit the 75 trip bonus level, but i was worried about my acceptance rate,

    so i didnt mind doing a few more uber x rides, as long as no one puked.

    got the four most beautiful asian girls ive ever seen in my life.

    angels or demons, hard to tell but they laughed as i tried to pronounce the korean club they were going to

    “is there a model convention going on right now?” i asked and they laughed more.

    one of the three in the back said, “we’re not a model but sunny is.” and the girl next to me smiled.

    she wasnt kidding.

    not only was she dressed immaculately but she had this glow – and she was so nice

    they were all so nice.

    after dropping them off i got an asian dude. he too was super nice, complementing my car.

    “benz is for the passenger but bmw is for driver. bmw fast. responsive. quick. mercedes feels like pillows. sturdy but soft. i feel very good back here.”

    then he went on to tell me about how he has a series three bmw and he enjoys drinking and driving with his many girlfriends.

    i told him that i was judging him in my heart.

    he argued that it wasnt his fault, that all of his girlfriends were jealous types and wanted him near them at all times.

    i said, it is tough to be a man sometimes, but we must also be


    men, and step one of that is to

    earn enough money that when it is time to call an uber, an uber is called.

    aint nothing easier at shutting down a braggart than suggesting he acts a fool because hes broke.

    but alas, this young man was also drunk. not dangerously so, but, indeed…

    he went on to tell me that one of his three is european but american and he is considering marrying her

    because he is not an american, and he desires citizenship. in the usa.

    i said, well for sure you shouldnt drink and drive because that might keep you from being able to live here

    the law hates drunk drivers, especially youngins driving expensive imports.

    and the gentleman said

    you are probably the smartest uber driver ive ever had.

    and i said


  10. Friday, March 18, 2016

    tony why do you do the things you do 

    el coyote

    all day, all night, in a dad car, in a smelly shirt, with taco bell tacos in the glove box

    because no one else would if i didnt

    because i dont give two craps why the caged bird whines

    because rock in roll is dying and im a little drummer boy

    rat a tat tat

    my cats are excited im home. i tell them daddy took 24 people places today

    but all they care about is did i bring them treats back from the war

    girl cat is all tony why do you do  the things you do

    i say because pete rose led by example because walter payton died of a broken heart

    because mother theresa was called names by christopher bitchens

    because i know that for once in my life im the best at something

    bettern anyone from sea to shining sea

    and actually it’s the opposite of lonely at the top.

    and she says but seriously did you bring us anything

    and i say heres some 8 hour old sushi rolls and if you dont eat em