nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, June 21, 2015

    yesterday i had a really good day driving the people around the world 

    kourtney and kendallit started early. on fridays my real job has half days in the summer, so i was able to put in six hours of ubering and still have a decent personal life.

    i went to bed before midnight which meant i was up at 6am on saturday.

    also the cats were scratching at the door and some asswipe had his car alarm blaring.

    as jesse jackson once said at ucsb “where there is oppression there is opportunity.”

    so i ate a muffin, showered, read the paper and was out of the house at 7am.

    the goal for ubering that early is airport trips. on uber plus the rides can be about $50 to LAX which is still cheaper than cabs, and the ppl get to cruise in a sweet ass benzo. the driver gets about $35 and everybody wins.

    i like it also because theres no traffic and not a ton of competition because all the other dudes are snoozing because they drove all friday night.

    also theres no pukers.

    usually i drive up the sunset strip to pacific palisades in hopes of catching some of the hotel guests but ive rarely gotten any of those, weirdly, so i went down santa monica heading west.

    around Hancock Park i got a ping from a big house. first comes a lady with some luggage and after a while her husband appears. he looks like a pro soccer player: dark skinned, incredible shape, tattoos on his arms. they had a range rover and a porsche in the driveway.

    they talked to each other, i barely said anything during the 20 minute ride, which is rare, but early morning if a couple wants to talk to themselves, fine, i’ll just listen to the jazz i normally play on plus rides.

    we get to the mouth of LAX the woman says “merde, the flight is delayed.”

    they debate whether they want to sit in the terminal for two hours. here, for sure, im keeping my mouth shut.

    “take us back home please,” the woman finally says.

    we get back to their house, i take the bags out of the car, i think about giving them an offer to drive them back to LAX in an hour for a discounted rate, but theres no such option in Uber

    plus i dont know where im gonna be. so we shook hands, i told them, “sometimes these delays are times for them to fix something important on the plane.”

    they smiled. and i did too when i saw the fare was over $100.

    i went to mcdonalds to eat an egg white delight meal. the cashier guy said, are you a Cubs fan?

    i said, yes, are you?

    he said, no but i really respect their youth movement.

    is this real life?

    as i ate i left the phone on in the rare case that i got a ping, and half way into the sandwich it beeped.

    former supermodel heading to the mexican rivera and then europe.

    so glad i didnt commit myself to the soccer star.

  2. Thursday, June 18, 2015

    E3 is in town, which means a lot of foreign people are here 

    donald trump and neil youngthe good news is they tip when they get Ubers.

    the bad news is they think it’s ok to say things like “my friend isnt here yet, would you mind waiting 5 minutes?”

    why, yes, yes i would.

    heres my question: what makes you think i have nothing better to do than wait for you and your friend to get it together?

    heres my other question: why cant you wait for him THEN summon me?

    confusing. it almost makes me think that some people are selfish with their time and yet think i should be totally generous with mine. do people really act that way?

    finally, heres something they dont tell you much when you move from Uber X to Uber Plus: your rating is going to go down.

    i think this is because some people dont realize when they order a Plus and then get sticker shock when the fare is 2.5x more than they expected.

    even though they just took a ride in a super clean Mercedes Benz with water, cool jazz, and the greatest driver ever.

    when it comes time to rate they give me a 1 or a 2 because theyre pissed at the price.

    this week im at an all time low of 4.1

    while driving all the drunk kids around a year ago on Uber X i’d average a 4.9 or 5.

    needless to say this has not been the best Uber week for me.

  3. Saturday, June 6, 2015

    picked up a big black dude yesterday 


    smelled of weed, had a sweet pad, showed me pics of all these women he’s “dating”

    he made me wait as he did a wire transfer and when people do that i always assume its a bank robbery

    not a bank robbery, instead we drove over to the wesssside

    went to my favorite hotel to powder my nose then as i was pulling out got pinged

    three nice canadians wanted to go to the airport

    third airport run of the day

    first was a lawyer from caa flying to seattle

    second was a 17 year old german lass who when i asked

    whats your favorite part of LA

    she said, everything.

    i said danke and she giggled.

  4. Friday, June 5, 2015

    what did i even do yesterday 

    alioh yeah: everything.

    my real work has been busy, which is great. i love my job especially when theres lots to do.

    in college i had four jobs, in frisco i had three, i guess because im elderly now i only have two.

    it’s not the money im seeking, otherwise i would just go into real estate, it’s the experiences, the people you meet, the things you learn.

    money is the biggest fakeout. most of us make the same amount, relatively, so the question is what did you even do yesterday and usually most of that has to do with what you did at work.

    one thing i did yesterday was go to our incredible library to research something im writing.

    i was so overwhelmed with how much good stuff is there i nearly fell asleep. which was weird. particularly because i had just had a coke. then i took a quick walk around the library and i was back.

    a lesson i learned researching three really good movies was how brutal some of the negative criticisms can be. mixed reviews are common

    but mama mia some very big newspapers can just tear apart something that later is considered great

    while at the same time some other very big papers praise it.

    i guess the takeaway is never read the reviews.

    afterwards i listened to the nba finals on the radio while ubering. all i wanted was a trip to the airport.

    at 8:30pm i gave up and as i was driving home got a ping from a huge fancy condo off wilshire in westwood

    down came someone who looked like a supermodel heading to the airport.

    she discovered her flight was being delayed an hour and decided not to turn around. as we headed to the airport i was trying to figure out how to say

    “hey how about you and i have some quick sushi at kanpai for a half hour” but uber drivers are creepy enough.

    i did tell her about it, but she wasnt interested.

    then we passed In N Out and I said, i can drive you through there if you want.

    and she said the saddest thing, “in a different life, i’d love to eat dinner there.”

  5. Wednesday, June 3, 2015

    met two dudes who had never seen true romance 

    true romance

    picked them up in hollywood, late, and they wanted to go to burbank.

    one of them had been in LA for a few years the other one only a few months.

    as we passed the Safari Inn in north hollywood i was all, hey thats where they filmed some of true romance.

    they were all what?

    i was like the tarantino movie with patricia arquette.

    never heard of it.

    brad pitt’s in it too, briefly, hes stoned.

    one of em goes theres a tarantino movie i havent seen?

    i go, well he wrote it, but it does feel like one of his.

    they were very excited and even though it was like 12:30 at night the one guy says

    now i know what we’re doing tonight.

    i was almost jealous.

  6. Tuesday, May 26, 2015

    everyone knows youre not supposed to smoke in a man’s uber 

    dave smokingespecially when its an uber plus ride and the man’s mercedes pulls up to your country club to collect you.

    but this guy wasnt everyone, he was special.

    at least thats how he carried himself and how he talked to his groveling son in law.

    the two had been playing golf with another pair of men who they analyzed on their way to a fancy hotel in the back of my car.

    the younger man told his father in law quietly that he couldnt smoke in the uber

    the older man held the cigar out of the window

    and ashes blew all over the back seat and the carpet.

    sand from the traps that had gathered in his shoes mingled with the ashes.

    because uber plus rides are more expensive i play the sinatra channel

    and when they’re over i inspect the back seat area for lost personal items

    when i saw the sand and ashes i was grateful that we could rate our passengers.

    it’s sorta a heads up to the next driver.

    you’re not gonna really refuse a ride from anyone these days, but at least you know, oh, this guy is entitled

    and thinks the world is his ash tray.

    so you drive a few miles away and vacuum it up, and get a car wash.

    and remember who you wont be when you grow up.

  7. Sunday, May 24, 2015

    have i mentioned im a huge whiner 

    doingi turn on the plus and drive down sunset blvd. its crowded because of memorial day weekend and i dont expect any dings for a mercedes at 6:30pm in hollywood and i dont get any. didnt get any in beverly hills either so i kept moving west. circled around the village a few times and nothing.

    then i get one from up near the freshman dorms at ucla.

    way up there.

    an asian guy and girl get in and i start the trip to see where we’re going and it says san gabriel, which is farrrr. i guess it will probably be $90.

    they speak chinese to each other, him way more than her. and every now and then he’ll lean over and kiss her.

    and then he goes off again. she listens.

    on plus rides i have jazz going on. it seems classy enough for the more than double fare theyre paying. and it is a benz, so go with it.

    and bonus: everyone loves it.

    sometimes the old people sing along.

    these two ignored it the whole time which was fine because some of it consisted of a 20 minute buddy rich solo.

    san gabriel is east on the 10, east of east LA, keep going then get off on san gabriel blvd and head north for a few miles.

    drop them off at a hot pot that doesnt look all that different than hot pots in ktown

    but bro just spent $90 to get there and even if he takes uberx back, it’ll cost another $30-50 to get back.

    something told me it was worth it.

    it got my night going and it was a good night after all.

    got home by 12:30 like a reasonable person. warmed up some boneless wings.

    called it a night.

  8. Saturday, May 23, 2015

    its becoming harder and harder to uber 

    rolling stones set list

    it’s their company so they can do what they want, but it’s weird to work for someone who

    straight up spends whatever time and money that they have to squeeze you

    and take as much as they can from you

    all while literally building robots to replace you so they can have All the money.

    i know this wont end well, which is sad because it started so nicely:

    they made billions, drivers made so much they upgraded their cars

    but now the demand for the higher priced rides are low

    and for some reason the company has flooded the market with drivers.

    i always knew the bottom would fall out but i never thought it would happen so quickly.

    and now ive got this big car payment and no real way to figure out a second side hustle.

    i always have wanted to make a magazine

    or write a real book

    or sell a screenplay.

    but all of that takes time and what i love about uber is if you have a good week,

    you get paid for it that Wednesday. right in your bank account.

    life is very weird. today i hit the road at noon

    got zero rides by three.

    here it is 6:15p and im gonna go out there again for a couple hours.

    lets see if some incredible magic happens.

  9. Friday, May 15, 2015

    even though im a devout Christian, i also tend to be a tad superstitious 

    adam and evemostly because i think the Lord has better things to do than answer my prayers about playoff basketball.

    so i decided to drive around ubering in the rain last night so i could listen to the Clips game on the AM radio.

    in the grand scheme of things, im sure the Almighty cares very much about sports, and is thrilled that the cathedrals of yore have been replaced by sports palaces in cities around the world. but still does he really want me saying

    thanks for letting the Cubs stay above .500, but could you make sure Lob City knocks out the Rockets tonight?

    mortal, please.

    one of my favorite spots has been blown up, the CAA building in Century City, theres uber plus dudes all over that place where there used to be just lil ol me. so you have to adapt.

    so lately ive been chilling in westwood near the condos hoping some of the richies want a ride to the airport.

    last night i ended up with a very jewish young lady with her traditional garb on who was visiting her mother in the UCLA hospital.

    as we were driving i asked her if she had lived in westwood her whole life. she said yes, that her dad was a rabbi at the big temple.

    she added that she was also married to a rabbi.

    so as we passed P’tit Soleil, the best place to eat poutine in LA, i asked her if it was cool for conservative jews to eat poutine.

    she asked what was in it? i said, french fries, cheese curds, and gravy.

    she said well we’re not supposed to mix meats with dairy and the gravy would violate that rule.

    as we kept talking about the Torah she told me that the forbidden fruit actually has a backstory. in the notes of that tale was some detail that Adam and Eve would have been allowed to eat it if they had waited an hour, but they were instructed not to eat it on the Sabbath.

    because the snake tempted them, they ate it too early and thus they were shunned from the Garden.

    it was raining cats and dogs as we drove down Westwood Blvd.

    i could talk about the bible with people all day, so i loved it.

  10. Monday, May 11, 2015

    with uber plus youve gotta find your spots, but its worth it 

    drugsthe good thing about uber plus is you make twice the amount of money per ride.

    the bad thing is theres a lot less rides.

    so youve gotta be patient and learn where the rides are gonna come from. which is a fun little game because when youre right you can make $50 for a 20 minute drive.

    the weird thing is i never know what music to play. these are well-heeled people requesting a mercedes or beamer and they probably dont wanna hear all the booty shaking music the ladies of uber x usually respond to,

    or the classic rock or grunge the fellas seem to prefer.

    so i usually put on sirius 67: Real Jazz. monk, coltrane, miles, etc.

    every single time i ask them “is jazz ok or would you like something different?” they say, omg this is perfect, thank you!

    and then we talk and barely hear the music.

    except for last night i picked up two russian dudes at mr chows and a beautiful young lady. they made me wait a whopping ten minutes which is 5 mins more than id wait on regular uber but whatevs, so i didnt even ask them if the music was ok.

    it was late at night, what else could they have wanted.

    but the 60ish year old guy next to me says “can you put on something with a beat? edm or rap or something?”

    so i turned the dial to BPM and he started singing along telling his friends in the back that he had just been to Ultra in Miami and it was fantastic.

    after a while the selena gomez / zedd tune came on and he said, hey can you turn it up and really got into it.

    this is why i dont do drugs. the world is a trip all by itself.