nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, July 2, 2016

    i had such a good day yesterday i could cry 


    it started out with me getting to interview this guy who has made movie posters for decades.

    designs, art directs, sketches, creates, pitches and then makes some of your favorite movie posters

    he’s worked with spielberg, saul bass, schwarezenneger, ron howard, you name em.

    i was all, i hear ron howard is a monster IRL

    people like jokes.

    then i started driving.

    on thursday uber had some technical problems. neither the drivers or the passengers could use the app

    so i switched over to lyft where because of the surge of new businesses, the prices were multiplied

    to fit demand. it was great. doubly great because lyft is offering me a bonus right now

    because soon they will introduce their luxury car level of pricing and they want me to get ready

    so i think i get double the fare no matter what the fare is, so needless to say ive been driving lyft.

    most drivers who do both say the lyft passenger is nicer and more laid back and its sorta true.

    tommy burrito

    i never met any passengers like Bobby Tortilla on Uber. So thanks Lyft.

    Bobby is a heavy metal stage manager who told me some of the best stories.

    We both talked about some weird ass times at Irvine Meadows.

    I told him about sneaking into the ACDC / Queensryche show in ’86 where while they were playing Operation Mindcrime we traversed across the abandoned Lion Country Safari and eventually hopped the fence into the rock

    And he told me about being chased by a cop and a K9 while carrying a twelve pack of Coors Light – a story that we both agreed would make an excellent music video.

    He told me that he was going to be doing a show where Alice Cooper is playing and I told him about “Supermench” and he was stoked to hear about it. When I dropped him off there were two white vans in his driveway. He told me one was the old one and one is the new one. If those tour vans could talk.

    Drove a shy french girl from one side of town to the other. She was here for two weeks, staying in a tall apartment building in West LA where I had previously picked up 5 swedish girls and while I was waiting for her there were two scantily clad black girls and if i was still in the LA news biz i’d stick my nose into that building, because what the

    tonight i will be driving more Lyft because Uber still hasnt paid me my bonus from last week and they know theyre wrong and wont even answer my emails, pretending that Manilla celebrates the fourth of july.

    but the best was lunch.

    i had just dropped off this young lady at LAX who was flying to vancouver for the weekend. it took us a half hour to get from the venice blvd chase drive thru next to the cvs next to where the Good Hurt used to be next to where theres a bowling alley i think. it took us a half hour to get from there to the airport door.

    so i figured, im not on a bonus, i dont have to be super hustling,

    so i did something i never do, i went to kanpai and sat at the sushi bar and just treated myself.

    they have a lunch menu before 6pm of enough food the fill you up for sure.

    i paid $45 after tip and it was seriously the best lunch ive had all year.

    i nearly cried in the parking lot.

  2. Sunday, June 26, 2016
  3. Saturday, June 25, 2016

    some of us were meant to stand out 

    stand outand when we dont we spit in the face of destiny

    some of us were meant to fit in

    ive never met any of those people.

    everyone ive ever met was unique and interesting and flawed and superb and

    just as fucked up as me.

    yesterday i met this beautiful young lady who grew up around people who were so different than she was

    that she never learned the beauty in herself

    because all of her friends growing up

    either didnt see the beauty in her or felt uncomfortable admitting how much they were into her.

    no one ever told her when she was a little girl

    that some of us were meant to stand out

    which is good and bad

    for one, you cant hide.

    for two, all eyes are on you

    for three all the girls are gonna stare and all the boys are gonna make fun.

    except for those who also stand out


    embrace your uniqueness

    it’s how the angels above can point you out

    from waaaaaaaaaay

    up there.

  4. Friday, June 24, 2016

    even though nothing in here is true, this is true 

    lindsay lohanas you know, on the side i drive a little for Uber, the ride sharing company who continually claims they are not a transportation company but instead they are a technology company.

    from time to time they have bonuses for the drivers if we hit certain goals.

    the most common bonus they have is one that says if a driver picks up 30 trips over a three day period of time the driver will get a $150 bonus. there is also a fare guarantee that says if you pick up 1 1/2 rides (on average) a day during peak hours of that day then you will be guaranteed $30/hr gross,

    which even for Uber Select drivers (those of us with luxury cars) is typically better than our regular hourly gross.

    three weeks ago i participated in the bonus and achieved the goals. i have done this several times and each time i have received my bonuses. every now and then i will hit a snag with the customer service email person who says i didnt hit my goal, but after emailing them back and asking them to check their records again they admit they were wrong and i got my bonuses.

    two weeks ago i hit my bonus but got an email saying i didn’t hit it. after a few back and forths they admitted they were wrong and gave me half of my bonus. i wrote back and said, dudes you admitted, properly, that you were wrong, wheres the other half. to that they did not respond AT ALL.

    so i wrote back the next day, and the next day and the next day. this has now been going on for 11 days.

    this technology company, valued at several tens of billions of dollars, seems hell bent on keeping the $135 that is owed to me. in a way they know they have me over a barrel because who sues for $135 and as a driver of a mercedes, i dont have any other ride sharing companies i can jump to very easily because Lyft doesnt offer the Select platform YET in LA.

    but they will. and i will never forget how uber has treated me, someone who has driven for them for years, who has maintained a 4.9 rating out of (the impossible) 5.0 score, signed up passengers AND fellow drivers.

    it makes me think if this is part of their profit plan: rip off 10,000 drivers on average of $150 and boom youve made $1.5 million dollars. and all you have to do is not answer their emails.

    it couldnt be more frustrating and going into another weekend with an identical bonus dangling in front of my face it makes me wonder if im a jackass for going for it again. (yes i am a jackass if i go for it again).

    yesterday i went to the LA office where they handle all sorts of Uber business. i dont know if they handle pay disputes. it was my lunch hour. i noticed how packed it was in there. when i signed in the machine told me the wait would be approximately one hour and twenty minutes. so obviously i didnt want to be late for my actual real job, so i stewed and wrote another letter to uber saying how unprofessional this is to freeze out a man who has driven for years for you.

    and of course, received zero response.

    today my real job is giving us a half day so i will venture into the HQ again. hopefully the line will be less than an hour’s wait.

  5. Monday, June 20, 2016

    call me a princess but i dont drive if someone owes me money 

    king of the avefor most of last week i wrote Uber emails telling them that they shortchanged me about half of my paycheck from the week previous.

    they replied, as they usually do, with some dude from a foreign country, where English is a second language, that i was wrong and they were right.

    i replied, as i usually do, with, a stern but polite, you cray kanye, give me my money or i dont drive this week.

    they replied two days later, as they usually do, with an omg look at this it appears we do owe you some money, but of course it was not the entirety of what should have been remitted.

    and then two days after that i wrote them again to remind them that it was at that point Friday and if they were going to put their customer service to bed for the weekend that would be a bad idea because i was not going to drive unless i was fully paid

    and they didnt reply, because for some reason, this so called technology company valued at several tens of billions of dollars, do not employ customer service reps over the weekends, which means the correspondences pile up

    which means i will be writing them again today to tell them that they still owe me about $150 and im not going to drive this week unless it is given to me.

    it’s weird to work in partnership with someone who doesn’t want to give you their phone number, who is currently working on ways to have robots replace you, who pawns off all correspondences to people who are either mentally challenged or intentionally dragging their feet because others might either give up or assume that they were incorrect.

    but the thing is i am neither incorrect or worn down by emailing. emailing is simple. proving my point is even simpler. and because this customer service org is obviously not owned nor operated by Uber, it is clearly a cash grab based on multiplying the replies so as to triple and quadruple-charge the cash cow. thus a simple “omg we didnt pay you correctly, heres the money” turns into 8-10 emails of which the third party can charge Uber for each and every email.

    this is not how the so called technology company should be doing customer service.

    as someone who worked for an actual tech company who did actual customer service from 1998-2000 i know first hand how much money Uber is wasting by trying to do things the cheapo way.

    but it was relaxing having the weekend off.

    now its time for me to write another email.

  6. Wednesday, June 15, 2016

    im a little nervous i might get screwed out of my uber bonus 

    bambias i have written on here before, occasionally Uber offers bonuses to some of its drivers to drive a bunch of a trips on the weekends.

    what this does is gets a bunch of drivers on the road for Uber

    and it prevents Lyft from having the drivers.

    and, best of all, it give us drivers a boost of about $300-$400.

    last week’s bonus was simple: get 30 rides from Friday – Sunday, average 1.5 trips an hour, have an acceptance rate of over 80% and you will get $30/hr and a $150 bonus.

    so i drove 8 hours on Friday and 8 hours on Saturday (sunday is the Lord’s Day) and to play things safe i took 32 trips

    today Uber is saying I only took 28 trips which knocks my trips per hour down to 1.45

    and they dont round up.

    one of the more frustrating things with this self-described technology company is they only communicate through email and often times you have to write to reps whose English is not their first language. also everything is shady.

    example: they swear they are a technology company but as you are driving you have no clue what any of the metrics are. you dont reeeealllly know how many trips youve taken – you sorta do – but clearly it’s debateable. and for sure you dont know your acceptance rate nor do you really know how you are doing per hour.

    on top of all of that, how is it the driver’s fault those last two hours if he has his phone on but there are no passengers requesting him?


    so right now i am in email hell. ive written them like four times and all ive gotten back from them is “thanks for your email, we’ll get back to you.”

    hopefully that means there is a glitch in the system and theyre being bombarded with drivers like me who are all wtf bros.


  7. Sunday, May 29, 2016

    uber has been having these promotions for drivers 

    three dollarsbasically if you drive a lot of hours and take a lot of trips they’ll give you a bonus.

    in order to take a lot of trips i have to take uber x calls instead of just uber select calls because there arent enough select calls for me to get that bonus.

    so the majority of the rides i gave this week were uber x and when i do these deals i see how little uber x drivers are making on a ride and it makes me wonder who could afford to drive any more.

    $3 for a 3 mile ride that took probs 5 minutes to get there, 3 minutes to wait and 11 minutes of travel? the calls are not bam bam bam by the way, on weekends like this, there are a lot of drivers out there, and the good people are pacing themselves so they might not be going out every night.

    fortunately for me my longest ride was on select and i made as much on that one ride as i made most of the night.

    i loved pretty much everyone i drove. thats what makes it worth it.

    – super dark skinned swedish(!) model here in LA for the first time. “just take me to the stars on the sidewalk”. as we drove she told me she wanted to go dancing. i said white or black music. she said black. i said playhouse. she said where is it. i said theres stars in front. when we got there the marquee said Puff Daddy she said i love you. i said i know. and when she got out i said “hey dough” and she was all Very Good!

    – pretty girl from buffalo grove who says manny pacquio’s entourage works out at her gym and they are quite manly.

    – two gay gentlemen all dressed up, one with a cape, on their way to a wedding at the Arboretum in pasadena. we all discovered that none of us had ever been there before. they all met at the LA gay mens choir. i told them hurry tell the Dodgers you wanna sing the anthem. how could they say no?

    – two laughing teens (14, 15) getting out of the Starbucks. we devised ways of robbing banks. they said small banks are key. i asked what about the ink exploder, how do you prevent that? they said, lots of coins. COINS?!

    – a well dressed woman who had just had dinner with her ex at the Desert Rose on Hillhurst, there was an old man jazz trio AND they were showing the game inside.

    – a beautiful woman who had worked at uber since pretty much the start and who had just left the company who had nothing but good things to say about everyone. she thanked me for my service.

    – two bros headed to a sports bar. i said are you from The City? they said yes. i told them i lived on Haight back in the day. they asked lower or upper. i said lower, near noc noc. they said across from Molitovs? i said it was called The Midtown then. they said holy crap, we sat on your porch! and they just may have. they said did you ever go to the liquor store? i said the liquor store ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE, DO I LOOK MORMON? they said yea. i said the place run by Mohammaed and his son Mohammed? they said yes and laughed and laughed.

    and i hit my goal by 12:45am.

  8. Saturday, May 28, 2016

    they were loud, there were too many of them, they were late 



    they took all my water, they pouted when i said i didnt have an AUX cord

    they lied about their age

    the one next to me said she was going to UCSB, i asked which dorm are you in

    she said 3B

    they refused to tell me who they were voting for

    when i passed by Loyola Marymount High i said, hey isn’t that the school that teacher was accused of sex crimes?

    they said no no no thats Marlborough get your facts straight!

    they said they were going to a white party

    i said that sounds racist

    they said no its because there will be a black light there and the white shows up better

    i said that still sounds racist

    they asked for gum

    they said tell us everything about you.

    i said im old enough to be your granddad.

    they said noooo you look 30.

    i said drake is 30, are you saying i look like drake?

    for once they were quiet.

    they left the bottles in the back of the car like it was the garbage

    they begged me to add and tag them on instagram

    and then they unfriended me after i did.

    i miss them all.

  9. Monday, May 16, 2016

    why i will never uber a Rose Bowl event again 


    it seems like every year i try a few times to take people from Rose Bowl events

    and every year it becomes a total waste of my time.

    im not sure if it’s the government of Pasadena or the police of Pasadena or Rose Bowl officials

    but every time there’s a concert or a game there they act as if it’s the first time anyone has ever been there

    which is weird because the 100,000 capacity stadium is 6 years shy of celebrating its 100th birthday.

    the stadium is tucked away in a wealthy neighborhood and up aside a mountain range

    it’s also very close to two freeways.

    rose bowlthat makes it both hard and easy to get to depending on whether officials decide to close or open freeway on ramps.

    for some reason the geniuses in control close all but one road going into the rose bowl about an hour before the concert is about to end

    and they keep it closed NO MATTER WHAT up to two hours after the event is over.

    so let’s say you’re an Uber driver and you get to the show early and you sit in the golf course and you get a passenger and take them home

    and then let’s say you want to go back to the venue to pick up someone else: forget about it.

    not only are the roads closed going in, but the cops, the rentacops, and the security will treat you like you are a terrible ignorant person up to no good.

    meanwhile inside and all around the rose bowl the cell reception is horrible because no one has ever thought about putting a cell phone repeater in there. or whatever it’s called. so guess what? everyones phones are dying and you cant tell them “walk two miles to the Jack in the Box where hundreds of people in their sexiest Beyonce outfits are stranded, waiting for ANYONE to drive them home.”

    the whole thing is a extremely fixable disaster. and here’s how they can fix it.

    there are temporary barriers surrounding the location with guards letting residents in.

    let Uber / Lyft and limos through too. we are not trying to rob anyone. we are just trying to get to the Rose Bowl and pick people up.

    it really is that simple.

  10. Saturday, May 14, 2016

    did i almost die yesterday? probs 


    did it feel like it?


    it didnt even feel like a two hour ride.

    the weirdest thing is we drove 21 miles. made several stops.

    and all i got out of it, other than the incredible conversation with the

    gang member drug dealer and his bff sorta girlfriend

    was $79 and a far better understanding of south central

    and which liquor stores i should go into and not go into

    and where in koreatown i should

    just completely avoid

    because death awaits

    my negro.