nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, November 23, 2014

    ended up in the most exclusive neighborhood in So Cal 


    tooling around hollywood, minding my own business, i got a request from a guy who it turned out is a movie producer with some DUIs who wanted me to drive him all the way to the most northwest part of the valley: the star studded Calabasas.

    he was attending a party of an long-time chum, a gentleman who is basically running the most impressive production company in movies. to get there we went through a lot of traffic, picked up a half dozen bags of ice for the party, and had to go through some pretty serious security gates before we slowly climbed the hill to the guy’s mansion.

    because there were so many bags of ice, the passenger asked me if i could bring in three bags with him.


    here is where i should tell you the only recurring dream nightmare ive ever had. one thats haunted me since i was a little kid. i dream that im in someone’s house who i dont know, uninvited. and i can’t get out.

    we walk into the house, theres people everywhere, we go through two living rooms, and then the huge kitchen. the homeowner is cutting some meat, people surrounding him, helping, but our bags of ice are now freezing our arms, so we are let out into the back yard, which is also huge, tables, table settings, ah an outdoor bar, also huge, and behind it a huge ice chest, which we fill.

    as i walk to exit, my passenger disappears among his friends and i realize im not only in a house where no one knows me, but in the backyard and i have to go back through that huge, home, wearing a hawaiian shirt and cubs hat, by myself, obviously guilty of something

    and all my nightmares gave me such a flashback. it was cool and creepy at the same time.

    got in the car, saw the whole trip was only $45. for an hour drive? didnt see right. i paid more than that in a cab from LAX to Hollywood. whatever. at least i saw the same block Bieber and the Kardashians lived in.

    asked Siri where the local Jack in the Box was, and while i was heading there, got beeped by a rich persian mom and her daughter who wanted to go to Brentwood. thanks, Obama.

  2. Saturday, November 22, 2014

    they thought they could bury us, they didnt know we are seeds 

    BEYONCE TWERKINGeons ago i sold tvs and stereos on commission. i loved getting paid commission only because the smarter i got, the more money i made.

    im still not sure if uber, which is also commission only, is pure luck or a tiny bit smarts, but last night i was busy doing relatively long trips all night.

    sad thing: i barely made my quota despite working a full shift. and getting tipped: twice.

    first tip was from a canadian man here on business going from staples center to Boa near beverly hills. he said he was from winnepeg. i said, now thats in manitoba, right? he was shocked at my knowledge. it was his first uber ride. we talked hockey and hoops and listened to latin jazz. the ride took nearly a half hour, i drove on side streets and at the end he said “may i ask how much it cost?” i said give the phone one sec, ah yes here it is and it flashed $18. he smiled, amazed, and dug into his pocket for two crisp dollar bills. hmmmm. whatevs.

    then i took a lady from beverly hills to the airport. she was taking a red eye to visit her husband who was on a movie shoot. she told me a tale of Nicki Minaj being quite a diva and i was all omg i never knew it was that bad. BUT IT WAS BAD.

    the best trip i took was i was at the airport again after a different person was going to the bahamas. i stopped off at the mcdonalds to relieve myself and get a $1 coke. as i was pulling out i got a beep. he dropped the pin in the wrong place (a scary hidden hood near the airport) so i called him and he said he was at Thrifty car rentals. turned out it was a rich old jewish doctor. he and his wife had just returned from hawaii and figured out the sneaky way to get an uber: take the free shuttle out of LAX to the rental car place and call and uber from there (we are blocked from LAX proper).

    we drove down the 405 listening to the 50s station and he sang along with every tune. at Getty Center we were at a stand still at midnight and we all cursed the 405. the wife asked me to just take sepulveda. i did for a mile and got back on and it was smooth sailing to the valley. they lived super close to where Ali’s dad lives. great house, sweetest people.

    they tipped me $10. now thats how you do it!

    off to drive bruins and trojans to the rose bowl.

  3. Friday, November 14, 2014

    of course sad things happen to me, but 

    tears on my pillowthere was a time when i would write sad things and for a little while i was the sad poetry world champion writer of all time.

    for some reason i thought it was cathartic. or Real. or true.

    inspired by Springsteens “The River” album and song, it was my belief that a real writer expressed his emotions, all of his emotions right out there on the page and blah blah blah.

    but what happened was the darker i wrote the sadder i got and it was a very slipper slope. which is one reason i try not to get too morose on the busblog or negative or angry.

    because really what am i saying when i do that: wahhhh i’m not getting all the things i want in life. waaahhhh i deserve better.

    the truth is im the luckiest bald man in hollywood. i have miraculously good health, i look 10 years younger than i am. i am surrounded with great friends. and i have two fun jobs that i love love love. any little bump in the road is just that: little. move on, whiner.

    yesterday my maid came after 2-3 months of not being here. for a while i had jeanine on my couch and she would clean but it wasnt like maid-clean. then jeanine left and amber broke up with me and i was all f this apartment. let the mess grow!

    which the kittens loved because kittens are basically rats with cuter fur. so they would roll in the ripped open newspaper bags and explore through the mountains of paper bags and hide beneath piles of dirty clothes. and play soccer with dust devils.

    all of that came to an end yesterday after i paid my maid double to unbury me from my crud.

    and it feels glorious.

    and i have almost forgotten the uber ride i made yesterday where i drove 10 minutes to wait 10 minutes to pick up a wealthy man who appeared to be an athlete, so i could drive him THREE BLOCKS so he could get a subway sandwich which he asked me to WAIT for him to get so i could drive him back three blocks to his luxury beverly hills apartment. the total trip on the clock was 15 minutes. but in reality it was 25 minutes of which i made, net, $5.

    pretty sure Uber doesnt read the busblog, which is a shame because i am amazing and my tips are priceless but heres two suggestions for the multi billion dollar company who would prefer that their drivers dont lose their minds and go apeshit on passengers who request such soul sucking trips.

    if a ride is during “surge” as this one was, and it amounts to less than a $10 far, as this one did, Uber should give their commission to the driver as a courtesy including the $1 “safe rider fee”. that way drivers don’t verbally abuse the passenger for being a lazy bastard (which i didnt, but my ESP sure did) and so they don’t quit this unprofitable gig after more and more $6 and $7 rides that account for an increasingly larger portion of our nights and days.

    fortunately i got a longer ride later in the night of three european gents who wanted to talk soccer and baseball the whole time which i reluctantly did, but of course when they asked me why the States isnt into soccer, i replied “big ball, huge net, yawn.”

    install a tip button into the app, Uber.

  4. Tuesday, November 11, 2014

    hot babe in santa monica gets in and says how do you feel about taking me to redondo 

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo2_400i was all, long hair, dont care, plus you smell like you robbed a perfume store.

    buckle up.

    zig zagged through stragglers, honked at the stoned, rolled down the windows

    and felt it all.

    whats your day job she asked with an accent i couldnt immediately place.

    alaskan? new hampshire?


    i work for an undercover super hero agency that steals from the thieves

    and gives to the poor.

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo4_400oh, the xbi she said and i adjusted my rear view.

    she said, it’s on your license plate.

    oh yeah that.

    why would you give everything to the poor she asked, applying lip gloss and checking her work in a tiny mirror she snapped closed when she was satisfied

    because no one else is gonna do it i said and turned onto the 10 east.

    she looked out her window and yawned, every vacuum must be filled.

    is there a vacuum in your life i asked her, and turned down the pink floyd.

    yeah, im starving

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo3_400beep beep bop she excused herself and called her boyfriend.

    hey im in an uber, i will be home in about 30 minutes, should i pick up something?

    i hate hate hate making stops i esped her but it wasnt working. she wasnt xbi.

    chinese? how about something healthy for a change? no that place closed. i dont know why. they were terrible?

    for some reason no one was in the carpool lane of the 405 so i sped.

    they decided he would order something and it would be ready when she arrived. good boy, i thought.

    i looked back in the rearview.

    she saw me looking.


    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo1_400what are you gonna do when you grow up? she asked.

    i was thinking about doing red carpet interviews for VH-1

    she stopped chewing the gum she was chomping.

    how did you know thats what i do? she asked.

    everyone knows what you do

    i told her.

    and turned up the radio.

    cuz fuck growing up.

  5. Monday, November 3, 2014

    only in my mind am i old 

    my house

    my body feels amazing, my spirits are high, but when people ask me how long ive been in LA

    and i tell them 30 years they say wait a second

    just HOW OLD are you?

    had a lady, 88 years old, get into my car. she was going to the Disney Hall.

    do you know where that is? she asked.

    i said, probably the prettiest building in all of LA.

    she said, maybe the world.

    i said, well, something tells me that mr. naploean and marie antoinette would argue differently.

    she said, well let them eat cake.

    and we were off.

    she had an old tymie name like Lulabelle or Henrietta or Petunia. a wealthy aunt left her a fortune when she was 50 and was able to send her daughter to Juliard, where she went.

    are you sure you know how to get there, dear, she asked as i zig zagged through Westwood on my way to the 10.

    it’s the pink building by the beach, i joked. but you shouldnt joke with an old lady.

    she asked me about 5 more times as we were going there if i knew the way.

    finally i pointed to my phone and i said, even if i didnt know, ma’am, this thing does and shocks me if i go off the path.

    she mumbled that technology has ruined everything and complicated our lives and i said you mean you yearn for the days when the tv had three stations and thats it? me too!

    but i was lying. i love you technology with my very last proton.

    she was so old she couldnt do math any more.

    and as we got to downtown she apologized ahead of time before complimenting the president.

    she said, im sorry if this offends you, but i think Obama is doing a splendid job.

    i said, what sort of world are we living in where a woman can’t feel confident saying something nice about our president?

    she said, well what if you were a Republican?

    i said even if i was a dirty Commie, the gas prices are low, unemployment is low, the stock market is at a record high, interest rates are low, and a big chunk of the nation now has health insurance. who could have a problem with any of that?

    she squeezed my arm with her bony fingers and said yeah you’re right.

    what was she calling me, buster? dearie?


    she i dropped her off at the valet, he didnt smile. he asked if i was going to pick her up. as if maybe she had done him wrong some how. or he didnt like her.

    wasnt the whole hall senior citizens? why give her the stink eye?

    i liked her and i was driving around westwood later that night and i hoped she had gotten home ok because she was lovely.

    married a man, when she was 20, that the family didnt approve of because he was not rich, but she did it anyway, she admitted to me, because he was so handsome.

    it lasted 30 years she said. which is fine unless you end up back on the market at 50 as a recent divorcee.

    but then all the money came her way, so maybe that helped soften the blow.

  6. Sunday, November 2, 2014

    this weekend was the busiest ive ever encountered as a driver 


    these people threw around the N-word like it was no big deal

    and then the girl behind me asked me for my phone number

    but the best was when the girl next to me said she likes to hook up with Uggs

    i said who?

    she said, ugly guys.

    she said they treat her better


    these nice people went to a hip hop show in echo park and wanted me to take them to Boyle Heights

    i was all, hell yeah, why not, who cares


    Duff Man and his girl were sweet. for some reason they parked over by the Hollywood Bowl and asked me to drive them to The Abbey in WeHo

    everyone wanted to go to the Abbey in WeHo.

    these two are from the LBC though and I was all, mmmmm ok?


    one of these guys was into guys and said he showed a guy his schween at the party i picked them up at

    and said he was a show-er, not a grow-er

    and for once in my life i had no witty comeback


    hollywood blvd is my favorite place in the whole world next to wrigley field and las vegas

    and it was beautifuler than normal i just wanted to hug everyone.


    bree olson, famous movie star, and former charlie sheen goddess was so sweet and pretty

    after i dropped her off my mom called and i said ma i picked up a porn star!

    my mom asked, you watch porn?

    i said, for science.


    this lady is a lawyer.

    suddenly halloween is my favorite holiday of all.

  7. Saturday, November 1, 2014

    the morning after 

    girl walker

    halloween is the greatest of all.

    i drove from 6pm to 3am last night, in the sprinkles and then rain and then wind.

    some places were slightly flooding but only in a cute way like the streets saying

    what can we be for halloween, oh how about a sweet little puddle

    oh look at that one, its a huge puddle.

    the demand for ubers was so crazed that i was getting requests from 20 minutes away

    even though the rate was five times the base fare.

    someone paid me $100 to go from culver city to los feliz.


    the skinny girl in the back dressed as a teenage runaway kissed me on the cheek.

    another dude from saudi arabi wanted to go “to the light house”

    the light house?

    “the coachhouse.”

    say what?

    “one minute.” and he called his friend. we were waiting in the drive through of his luxury high rise in westwood.

    the playhouse?

    ah yes, hollywood blvd., my home.

    he’d only been here two months. so i asked him if he still dated persian girls

    or was he seeing what the rest of the world had to offer.

    he didnt understand.

    i said, you know, have you met any japanese girls or canadians. italians?

    he said oh yes im dating a brazilian girl.

    i was all, my man!

    and i turned on some gangsta rap and we drove over the 405 on halloween night

    then east on the 101

    and he said, can you increase the volume.

    and i went, increased, bad boy.

  8. Sunday, October 26, 2014

    after awhile you know whats going on 

    tumblr_ncgricQjyS1socxyho1_500theres an intuition, a confidence.

    theres no need to be cocky about it. thats for the sucker mcs.

    but in your heart you know before you do it how its gonna turn out and as it unfolds you really cant blame anyone but yourself when it plays out the way you always knew it would.

    it was about 1:20am. it wasnt surging yet in DTLA but i knew it would in about 15 minutes.

    i was parked on 7th street near Broadway and if i was a smoker i woulda hopped out of the car, found a friendly nook in a building to lean against and burned my fag.

    instead i failed at the game of Patience, turned on the app and got dinged over by the Arts district. instead of refusing it to wait for the rates to double, i thought, you know, it’ll probably be a short ride to the other part of DTLA and you’ll be perfectly situated for bars to close.

    but a part of me said, it’s not worth it for a $5-$10 ride.

    it took 11 minutes to get there and then they made me wait for 5 minutes. all of it was torture.

    you dont really Uber *for* the money, but there are certain times of the night where you can easily make $80-$100 in one ride. if you’re patient: and lucky. i was neither. i could have canceled the ride after five minutes but i was already way over there in the arts district and i didnt wanna be the reason someone hated uber.

    of course we had to drive all the way to hollywood. of course then the guy wanted his friends to get dropped off first and then he wanted to go to silver lake.

    misery misery misery as he just texted and tweeted the whole time as we drove cheap miles eating away at the clock.

    and i reminded myself no one was gonna get rich with uber except the founders and the pre-ipo stock holders. just enjoy the yeah yeah yeahs playing on sirius.

    finally dropped him off and saw DTLA was surging at 4x the rate and i said never again. and suffered.

  9. Saturday, October 25, 2014

    driving to watts with a guy dressed as a naked dude at 2:15am 


    Last night I picked up this group in DTLA at the Mayan at 2am during a 1.75x surge, meaning the ride would cost nearly double the normal rate.

    They punched in their destination in the app before I arrived. When I started the ride I saw on the map it was gonna be a long one to the South. 114th street I asked? They said yep. We were currently on 11th.

    I asked what sorta music they wanted to hear. They said 105.5 FM which is a spanish music channel. And we were off.

    Drove south on the 110 and when we went east on the 105 I realized we were headed to Watts.

    watts nbd

    When we got there I asked is this really Watts? They said yep. I asked which way is the Watts Tower (I’d never been). They pointed.

    The guy in the black shirt said “but wear a helmet” and chuckled.

    Dropped them off in a mighty scary area. Two guys were selling drugs at the corner like in the movies. Cars were speeding by abandoned buildings. But as I was driving away from my passengers, they yelled to me.

    They then gave me a $10 tip.

    Amazing how sometimes the poorest people living in the scariest parts of town will be the most generous after a $30 ride. Whereas some of the richest people living in the lap of luxury will whine about a $10 ride and not even consider tipping (or even being polite) to the guy driving them home in the middle of the night.

    Long live Watts.