nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, October 5, 2015

    picked up the saddest girl at the rose bowl saturday night 

    taylor swiftas soon as she pinged me she called me to make sure i knew where she was

    which was really smart because for some reason the people at the rose bowl are still freaking out that uber is a real thing that thousands of the 80,000 people want to use after a game

    and thus its a damn zoo over there with tons of road blocks and one ways only and curvy nonsense

    and people on a golf course waiting next to signs with numbers on it

    and the smallest gate to get our cars through.

    i said i’ll be there in four minutes stay right there.

    i had driven all the way to pasadena hopefully to get someone who wanted to go back to westwood

    found her, realized it was only gonna be a 15 minute ride, but was ok with it because i could get back there and maybe get a longer ride.

    i asked her how her night was and she tried to be cheery but immediately admitted that it wasnt good.

    she texted a little and while she did i could hear her sobbing quietly

    and then not so quietly.

    i turned up the music a little because she was depressing the hell outta me.

    i havent heard a teenage girl weep in quite a while.

    its way worse than i remember it.

    it was very real.

    maybe because i hear fake crying on tv and in movies all the time but this wasnt fake.

    i wanted to give her advice like,

    now you know!

    but all i could think of was: feel those feelings


    feel them!

  2. Friday, October 2, 2015

    i always get a little sad when i dont win the jumbo lottery jackpot 

    silver lake stay young get stonednow how am i gonna buy my mom a new car?

    i know what the answer is. the answer is waking up at 5am and driving in the mornings. its the only time competition is low and demand is high.

    only problem is, the best way to make money is to drive people to work at surge rates. but do i really want to buy my mom a car on the backs of people who are paying $$$ just to get to work?

    true they have choices. they could wait for the surges to end. they could take the bus. they could carpool. they could simply exchange baked goods for hostages.

    the other day i had a guy who lived 1.2 miles away from his work in century city. he said he was doing an experiment to see how much it would take to uber every day to work. for some reason he wanted to take a mercedes back and forth every day. when we arrived at his house the fare was $10.90. so he said, ok so it will be $21 a day to commute.

    he said that a parking spot at his building was $240 a month, but he didnt want to pay them any more than what he was paying and he is only at the office a few days a week. i asked him if he met clients at his office. he said no.

    i said, do you have a bicycle? he said yes but he didnt want to ride a bicycle a mile, even though the main street had bike lanes or he could ride through the residential streets of westwood.

    sometimes i feel completely detached from the world. i dont understand how people think. either theyre not giving me all the info or they cray or i cray or

    and i think of the beginning of the bible, the only book i read every week. and i think God said you do you adam and eve just dont eat from that tree. and they listened to a snake and ate from that tree.

    you had one rule.

    so the guy doesnt want to ride his bike to work. doesnt want to walk neither. i wanted to tell him that even if he walked each way he wouldnt get all of his steps in.

    and i really wanted to tell him that if he just took Uber X each way it’d only be like $4 each way.

    but some people just want to do them. even if that is the craziest most fucked up thing there is.

    and thats how Ted Cruz gets millions of dollars from the rich to run for president.

  3. Thursday, October 1, 2015

    turns out theres gonna be an uber strike this month for a weekend 

    uber strikeim not sure how i feel about it

    on one hand it would be very nice to have a tip button on the app

    and clearer instructions to the passengers about our ratings (like tell them that anything other than a 5 is bad)

    and it would be nice to communicate with Uber that all of these price cuts freak us out and make us feel stupid for buying cool cars after they tell us we could make $75k a year driving for them.

    personally i dont want to be their employee, i dont want or need benefits, and i dont care that they dont pay for gas

    but it would be nice if they reimbursed us for water and car washes every now and then.

    and for sure i think that for every month that we drive we should get $50 in uber credit to use being passengers

    but thats not why drivers are striking

    drivers are striking because any time we try to communicate with the company we dont really get heard

    or it seems like we dont really get heard.

    sometimes the responses we get via the emails dont even read like they were written by humans

    it feels like they bought robot email answering machine and unless you go crazy you’ll never get a real response.

    will i participate in the strike? i dont know. when i sold beers at Candlestick for the Giants i was part of a union and even though uber isnt a union i would feel weird being a scab during a strike.

    also, not a lot of drivers are as fortunate as i am. i have a real FT gig with benefits. if i decided not to drive that weekend i would really be supporting the FT uber drivers more than myself. i wouldnt mind that. it feels good to help someone else.

    also it might ultimately make Uber a better company. theyve never explained to anyone why theres no tip button (Lyft has one and passengers love Lyft just as much – if not more – than Uber… and they tip their drivers). likewise the ratings are confusing.

    the company has made so many good improvements to the GPS of the app over the years it almost rubs the salt in our wounds because we know how much we’d make off that tip button and it seems almost mean not to put it in there.

    for us. their so-called Partners.

    i do need to drive more and i would make a killing that weekend with everyone not driving, but right now im leaning towards not driving because in my heart it feels like the best thing to do in the long run, for everyone.

  4. Tuesday, September 22, 2015

    it was really a matter of time 


    when you drive thousands of rides of course you’re going to reach someone who has access to writing tools

    and theyre gonna write about you.

    i remember the ride very well.

    it was up in the hills of beverly hills, someplace i would avoid nowadays because often it doesnt pan out.

    but i was already up in there, having just dropped off another.

    four girls, graduating high school seniors, all leaving one party and going to another.

    they “made a rap” for me as i drove them down into the valley, heading to encino

    even though it was a twisty, dark road, somehow a video was made.

    and now a sweet blog post

    yr welcome bb

  5. Thursday, September 10, 2015

    totally ubered Tara Reid the other day 

    Paris Hilton and Tara Reid at the opening of  Avalon

    here she is pictured with brian urlacher at the opening of the Avalon a few years ago.

    it was a fun ride. picked her up in the hollywood hills, we drove past a chipotle that had the most delicious smells emanating from it. we decided there was no way that was the chipotle smelling so good.

    we talked about LA and strip clubs and sushi and vegas.

    sometimes people are glued to their phones, texting away or looking at facebook but tara was sitting back enjoying the ride and our conversation.

    we took fountain to la cienega and she said the sushi place she was meeting a friend at was the one across from the coronet

    because im from the streets i said, oh the one across from Trashy Lingerie?

    she said yes yes!

    i was going to tell her about Kanpai but the other day young Ali and i dined there and the fish was far less than amazing

    we decided we will return next time to see if it was a fluke, but my fear is that now that they have two locations perhaps they are running out of the magic stuff.


    and the last thing id want to do is steer the girl from American Pie in the wrong direction.

    after our ride was about over i said, hey your name on the app says Tara are you Tara Reid?

    she said yes.

    i said wow, love your movies, and i gotta say you look way prettier in real life.

    she said thank you in that delightful raspy voice and i tweeted and she retweeted my tweet so we’re basically engaged now.


  6. Monday, September 7, 2015

    had a good weekend, hope you did too 

    ubering to usc

    the difference between uber plus passengers and uber x ones is night and day.

    uber x people are sooooo happy, on average compared to the more expensive uber plus pax

    why are the rich so serious?

    you’re being driven by the best uber driver, probably in the world.

    everyone should be super happy and chill and amazed and blessed with me

    and any time i switch over from Plus to X i feel like thats how the ppl feel.

    which makes me feel that way too.

    im going to take at least one uber x drive a night, even though theres rarely any money in it.


  7. Wednesday, August 19, 2015
  8. you never know what other people are going through 

    motel suckswhen i drove Uber X my biggest issue was being patient waiting for passengers to get out of their damn houses and into my car.

    at first they could spend all day getting in there and there was nothing we could do. then last year Uber made a new policy saying that if the passenger didnt get into the car after 5 minutes of us arriving at their door we could cancel the ride and charge them $5.

    with Uber Plus the penalty is $10. for some reason Uber figured out how to take $2.50 out of that fine for their own pockets meaning we got $7.50 for arriving somewhere and waiting 5 minutes and then bailing.

    usually it’s not worth canceling because you can make more money driving the person than you can canceling on them. especially if it is surging, which it was the other day as i waited

    and waited and waited outside a swanky beverly hills home which had a Land Rover and a Bentley in the driveway.

    the UberX surge was 1.9 which is a little below the rate of Uber Plus but i like to take my X people around a few times a week because they bring a different sort of energy to the ride and we often drive to very different destinations than my Plus ppl.

    i shoulda known i was in trouble when the passenger called me immediately after i accepted her request and she asked me “how long will it take for you to get here?”

    i told her 1 minute, which I thought pleased her.

    after four minutes of waiting at her driveway i called her back. she said she’d be right out. four minutes after that I looked and saw the 1.9 surge was still happening, meaning I could cancel her, make $4 (it was UberX) for canceling and pick up someone else who had it together.

    but i thought, those cars are hella expensive. im a block away from Rodeo. no way is this woman wanting me to take her up the block for a minimum fare. so i waited a few more minutes when she finally came out.

    very high heels which she had trouble walking in. short dress. frown on her face. oh boy. i shoulda canceled, i thought. ALWAYS CANCEL my head said.

    but i didn’t. because im nice. and you know where nice guys finish.

    guy smokingshe gets in and tells me we are going to west LA. about a $14 ride. so it was worth the wait.

    soon as we get rolling she tells me that the house was her boyfriends house. he is 60. she is 30.

    she tells me that they are breaking up because she found out, via his phone, that he is dating some other girls via a website. he became upset with her for sneaking that info out of his phone. she replied by saying, she wasnt the one at fault: he was.

    he said, why would you ever go into my phone?

    she said his house is so big that she has her own bathroom. it’s pink. he calls it the Girls Restroom.

    she told him, “i found a tampon, a used one, in the garbage in the Girls Restroom!”

    he asked, “how do you know it wasnt the maid?”

    she said, “the maid IS THE ONE WHO EMPTIES THE TRASH!”

    finally he admitted that he was using the website to take young women to dinner but nothing ever happened. that she was his boo. that she was the only girl who was his girlfriend.

    but when she said that is ridiculous, that she was old enough to know when a man was cheating on her, she decided to break up with him.

    so that morning she went to his house to get her stuff.

    and the reason it took her so long to get out of the house was because he wasn’t letting her pack. he was saying “no, sleep on this decision, you’ll regret it because i will never let you come back if you move your stuff out.”

    so as i was waiting patiently she was crying, her heart was breaking, and all she wanted was to be able to pack her things and go.

    which made me very glad that i didnt cancel, because then i would have been an extra $5 charge in her life that would have added to her pain.

    i dropped her off and told her she was too young and too pretty to put up with such nonsense. move on. there are plenty of rich and not-so-rich guys out there who would never cheat.

    seek them out instead.

    and she cried some more and said thank you.

  9. Thursday, August 13, 2015

    im sure im doing it wrong 

    rose macgowan in planet terrorpicked up what appeared to be a sugar daddy and his young girlfriend and drove them across town.

    at first i thought it was a father and daughter but nope, she sat as close to him in the backseat as she could.

    the mercedes back seat isnt all that big. ive had three people back there but i felt bad for them. two fit very comfortably, but three is a squeeze. this one didnt mind. she rode the middle seat intentionally and was right there next to him.

    id say she was 23 and he was more than twice that.

    very pretty, but not overdone. no plastic surgery nothing outrageous. had a hint of a foreign accent but nothing discernable because she spoke to him in whispers. as it should be.

    they were going to a fancy restaurant which we talked about. he said there was a prix fix menu or you could order a la carte. that was nice of him. and it seemed like a reasonable price. we actually had a really good conversation about politics, sports, music, LA in the 80s.

    traffic wasnt bad and they were in no hurry. he was chill. she was chill. im always chill.

    it made me wonder if that was the way to be. rich. with a girlfriend who loved holding hands in the back seat of a car who had a smidge of a foreign accent? was i doing it all wrong? he seemed happy. she seemed happy. i was happy because it wasnt a trip to the airport where i would be without a passenger for a while.

    got downtown, dropped them off, picked up a young lady who had just gotten her nails done and for some reason thought a mercedes was the right option to take home 8 blocks to her apartment. was uberx unreliable downtown? did she have issues with dirty cars? all of it curious. noticed a lot of people with convention badges milling around LA Live so i sat there for a while since it appeared i was the only uber plus guy there at 8:30p.

    sat there till past nine and nothing. listened to kershaw shut out someone. everyone.

    drove home and jeanine had made the most amazing fish tacos. watched Hard Knocks and passed out as the fish sniffed at my mostly clean plate.

  10. Tuesday, August 11, 2015

    i do weird things to make money 

    pigeonsi wake up early, i stay out late. my car has never been cleaner. i listen to jazz. even my trunk is spotless.

    but the weird thing is no matter what i do, theres an element of luck thats undeniable.

    i will say this though, the luck doesnt happen unless the app is on and im in a reasonably spot of potential.

    yesterday after work i had three rides. the first was to a nice rich man who i took from century city to his pad in the hollywood hills. he mostly did business on his phone as we drove through beverly hills. because the ride only took 20 minutes, i turned around to my spot and waited about 15 minutes.

    then i got a ping from a guy at a hotel who wanted to go to the airport. the interesting thing about the airport is it seems like a good ride because you make about $45, but after ubers cut you only make $30. and then you have to figure out what youre gonna do, which means you probably wont get another ride for another half hour, thus youre back to making $15 an hour.

    not complaining, just saying. i probably could make some quick bucks by going to el segundo, hermosa, and/or manhattan beach, but those people just stay in their little bubble and it’s super annoying to do a bunch of minimum fare rides. and then youre stuck over there.

    so after i dropped off the dude, who spoke arab the whole trip on the phone, i remembered that Bernie Sanders was speaking at the LA Sports Arena near USC. they were expecting 20,000 people there and even though theres the Expo Line, no one really uses the subway here. so i took the 105 to the 110 and boom i was there.

    bernie sanderspeople were milling about, walking away from the historic arena where id seen Springsteen during the Born In The USA tour, and U2 for Unforgettable Fire and Joshua Tree, so i drove around to see if maybe some of the stragglers would bite. my Uber app showed me that i was the only Uber Plus there which gave me hope, but the internet was really bad. probably because 20k+ people were tweeting about how great their candidate was.

    so i circled the place and decided maybe it was over. and even if it wasnt over, i couldnt get my internet to truly work so i drove slowly north towards Staples Center. and then i got a ping back at the sports arena.

    turned out it was a family of four, dad wore an orioles hat, mom was from toronto and two kids were college aged. turned out they had been living in switzerland for 6 years. because the internet was so bad, i asked dad to just tell me what direction we were headed so i could get out of the dead zone.

    newport beach, please.

    oh hell yeah.

    we drove down the 110 to the 405. no traffic. we talked about all sorts of things starting with Bernie. they told me it was sold out inside but about 10,000 people including themselves waited outside and listened and cheered. but because they wanted to beat traffic, tapped out a little early.

    $150 later we were at their vacation resort and i talked to my mom as i drove home.

    thanks, Bernie.