nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 24, 2015

    dear tony, i am an Uber driver in Las Vegas, how do i get rich? 

    sheri's brothel

    Dear Tony,

    I am a beautiful young female Uber driver living here in Las Vegas. I haven’t driven much for them but I am a regular reader of your blog and you probably have some good advice. What would you do if you drove here?

    Cubs in 2016!


    dear d’arcy,

    i have only been here two days and i’ve taken about 5 rides on both Uber and Lyft and talked to all of the drivers and they all tell me the same thing: most of their rides are about $10 or less because even if they get someone at the airport, the Strip is sooooo close, there’s no way they’re going to make any real money unless they do a gazillion rides.

    Uber is all about the long ride and if the majority of your trips are from one hotel to the other there’s no honest way that it’s going to do very much for you financially. also there seems to already be a Lot of cars out there.

    so i recommend working with the places that are at least an hour away from the strip, namely the Bunny Ranches.

    as you well know, prostitution is not legal in Vegas, but it is legal about an hour out. so i would recommend that you go to Moo.com and get yourself some business cards and drive out to Parhumph or whereever else there are such legal houses of repute and introduce yourself and drop off some cards.


    the saddest thing i heard about the Lamar Odom tragedy at that one Bunny Ranch where he nearly died was that he took a cab! does he think he’s made of money? he really shoulda taken an Uber. YOUR Uber.

    now i’ve met sad husbands, lonely businessmen and college virgins who, when they visit Vegas, take that long ride out to the middle of nowheres.

    if i was a vegas Uber driver id ask every group of guys or solo guys if they were going to partake. some might be to shy to tell me, but thats where the card comes in. id tell them if they did do it they really should text me to see if i could drive them there. AND if they did. AND if they allowed me to wait for them to take them back, i’d give them a little treat (figure out a nice gift, like a funny Vegas mug). and take them out there and bring a book and wait for them to finish and take them back. Boom TWO one-hour rides which is about $100 each way.

    i dont know about you, but id be way into making $200 in two and a half hours, AND getting to read a book for a half hour.

    is it dangerous? isn’t everything? is it legal? yep. do people take that trip every day and every night? yup. should you go into the place about 15 minutes after the passenger does? yes, say hi, drop off some more cards and say, “your customer Maury, i brought him here. help me bring more people here.” and they will.

    who knows, they might even set you up with driving some of the ladies who work there who fly into the airport and need a ride to work.

    Uber on!

  2. Saturday, November 21, 2015

    woke up at 5am, was out there at 5:30 

    comptonthe idea was to get one long ride, a good ride, to the airport but from somewhere far if possible.

    someone HAD to be going to the airport on the saturday morning before thanksgiving

    but no, i didnt get anyone doing that.

    what i did get were two brothas getting out of the strip club.

    the address was south central and that was fine with me, because this was


    the airport.


    as we began driving the bigger of the two calls up a woman. it’s maybe 6am.

    he starts talking about how those cheeks better be ready when he get there

    i was all, this mans booty call game is incredible.

    LA was just waking up the sun was bright it was already 72 degrees

    a few unlucky working folks were waiting at the bus stop in their sad uniforms

    i saw a dog taking a leak

    and a bird.

    compton in the morning is pretty much as youd expect it to be

    saw two houses next to each other that were recently on fire.

    they hadn’t been boarded up yet.

    the one guy got out and told me to drop off the other guy where he lived

    so as we drove i asked him if he had always lived in compton

    he said yes.

    he was probably 25. light skinned. could be mixed with mexican. hella tattoos.

    i said, i gotta ask you, what did you think of straight outta compton

    he said he liked it.

    we got to his place, he called his sister on my phone

    open up the door!

    the electric gate in front of their driveway slid back

    and in a few minutes i was gone like donkey kong

  3. Friday, November 20, 2015

    woke up at 5am to start driving at 6am this morning 

    free acidi was inspired by a passenger who yesterday told me he was gonna be flying out at 5am and asked me if thered be any cars.

    i said the sad thing about driving nowadays is there are about 3x as many cars out there as whats needed, so you’ll be fine.

    but i have noticed that the very early mornings are better for uber select than at any other time of the day. plus theres no traffic so it’s way easier to actually get to the person and take them where they wanna go.

    from 6am to 9:30am i made $92, which made me happy. the best passenger i got was this korean dude who cracked me up the whole time.

    i picked him up on wilshire in DTLA. we were headed to the fashion district near MLK and 15th.

    i asked him how his morning was going he said his little daughter had kept him up. she was 4 months. he told me that all the good things anyone ever said about babies WERE DIRTY LIES.

    “they cry like banshees. they’re not really that cute. terrible conversationalists.” he said.

    and worst of all, he said from the back seat, “my wife wants to have another one now!”

    i laughed and laughed as he went on. it was comedy.

    Guess you’ll have to move to the Valley, I said.

    “seriously,” he agreed, noting that he grew up there.

    i said, “i keep hearing that the next Echo Park is West Adams.”

    he said, “the problem with neighborhoods that are THE NEXT… is that they’re already expensive.”

    i said, yes but fortunately ppl are racist and dont wanna cross the 10 with their bundles of joy.

    then he told me he has no problems with blacks and mexicans because they have been great neighbors. “i had this one tatted up mexican guy on one side, a big black dude on the other side. we would smoke cigars. we would cook for each other. it was great. you know what wasnt great? the korean who lives next door to me now! kimchee smells terrible at all hours of the night!”

    i nearly crashed from laughing.

    from now on im going to bed at 10pm so i can do the early morning shift forevers.

  4. Wednesday, November 11, 2015

    this is why 

    amyive driven about 3,000 rides. most of them are fine. only a few are miserable. but a few are spectacular.

    her name was amy. shes a singer songwriter but mostly songwriter.

    she wanted to go to the salad store.

    shes from nashville.

    right away she was apologizing because it wasnt a very far ride and she wondered if i could wait for her at the shop and drive her back to the hotel she was at.

    i said of course.

    basically when you pay the uber select rate i’m more than happy to do anything as long as its legal.

    waiting for a genuinely nice out of towner who has already pre-ordered her salad is no big deal.

    as is often the case we hit it off immediately. she loved my car, said it smelled good, which was probably due to the previous pretty girl who i dropped off at The Nice Guy who was all perfumed up.

    we talked about music and songwriting and Elvis Presley.

    she told me that she didnt “get” The King and i told her that it took me a long time too. i told her that many black ppl agree with Chuck D who said “elvis was a hero to most but he didnt mean shit to me”.

    but the more i was exposed to him the more i realized that there was something different about him that helped him elevate above his peers like The Killer and Chuck Berry and the others.

    he had a little something special.

    i told her that the thing that really got me over the hump with him was the ’68 Comeback Special when he had on his black leather jacket and was sorta halfway between 50s elvis and 70s vegas elvis.

    she was taking notes which was cute.

    meanwhile she was telling me that she has been writing songs for a while and a couple of years ago someone took one of her tunes to #1 on the country charts. she didnt say it in a bragging way, like i woulda, in fact i had to drag it out of her. thats when i took notes because i didnt know any of the people who had recorded her songs.

    we were having such a solid conversation that she said i think i want you to drive me all around so we can keep talking.

    instead i parked in front of her hotel and we finished up our talk and thats when i swore she said “wanna pray”?

    i said, you wanna pray?

    she said yes.

    so i took off my Cubs hat and i said a prayer out loud to the Lord right there in my Uber on Melrose.

    and those are the types of rides you never forget.

  5. Sunday, November 8, 2015

    read at a story telling + rock show + book release party 

    chris and ramie

    it was in historic Frogtown, as Chris and Ramie were so excited about

    frog spot

    specifically at the Frog Spot which is a beautiful non profit space right by the LA River

    will and his wife

    Will Campbell and his lovely wife were there. Marko 77 (far left) was the DJ, he played a bunch of great tunes from The Replacements to Soul Asylum and the Ramones. Johnny Angel (far right) read and played acoustically.

    os and kim

    Monty, fresh from Nashville was in attendance with Os and Kim

    jeff and monty

    It’s always a good night when Jeff Tsar gets to say hi to a guy with a Jeff Tsar tattoo.

    SW Lauden

    We were all there to celebrate and participate in S.W. Lauden’s debut crime novel, Bad Citizen Corporation, and eagerly awaited to hear him read from it. He did not disappoint.

    books were sold

    Lots of people who hadn’t already bought his book off Amazon snagged it last night.

    basart bill and heather the rabbit

    about nine of us read for 5-8 minutes before SW did. i was super nervous to read and the last thing i wanted to do was follow Heather, and thank God i didn’t have to she was fantastic. she talked about inviting readers to make love to her husband Bill, (center). Ken said she got the most laughs.

    me reading Murder

    i read a new poem that i had just finished that afternoon. one called “a tale of two cities… or Murdurrrrrrr”

    chris said i killed. everyone was so complimentary, heather said i should hustle my work to places and just get over my shyness. i saw all, awwww. thanks everyone.


    afterwards bands played including Champion, which we have all missed.

    below is the poem i read.

    it was tough because i had to make it palatable for kids, but i did my best to make that restriction a part of the tale, so in the end i was actually glad that there was a challenge. and trust me, it was challenging.


    a tale of two cities, or Murduhhhhhhhhhhh

    his name was David
    but he looked more like a Jamaal
    or a Shaquille
    or a Montell
    or a La’Twann
    he was dressed like that one dude from the Black Eyed Peas who writes all the terrible songs.
    but he was shorter.
    had an expensive jacket with crazy patches, baggy pants
    shoes that were untied
    a belt that didnt have a clasp
    his eye glasses were tinted even though it was night
    i had been camped out in my Mercedes in front of the W in Westwood
    waiting for one of the many East Coast consultants
    to ping me on the Uber app.
    theres an option on there that you press if you want a Mercedes or a Lexus
    instead of the typical Prius
    the price is nearly tripled
    which is why I was a little surprised when
    Will.i.am Jr
    waltzed over to the passenger side, while never raising his eyes from his iphone.
    he sat next to me, which is also uncommon, he eased the seat back
    allllll the way
    i clicked my app and looked at the destination.
    Crenshaw and Manchester, i said out loud, steering towards Wilshire. i know that spot, i said
    and he finally turned and looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
    my man the colonel, g!
    there WAS a KFC there, old school. David admitted. Jack n the Box now, he corrected. and went back to his phone.
    i hit wilshire.
    what kind of music would you like?
    93-5 he said.
    KDAY is my jam, i lied. and we made it to the 405.
    he kept to himself and when the station broke to a commercial i said
    oh theres children present?
    i said excuse me, governor, instead of enduring these adverts, allow me to switch over to satellite radio
    shade 45
    gangsta rap, i believe it’s been dubbed.
    after a few minutes i heard him sing along quietly. i had succeeded.
    there was a bit of traffic on the 405 but we sped along without a care.
    yo, cut the track, he ordered and i muted the radio with my thumb
    he spoke into the phone using all sorts of slang and made up words but even though im very light skinned
    not only do i share his race, but i used to live in the neighborhood where we were headed.
    basically he was asking his friend if he was interested in meeting him at the home of an acquaintance for an important matter
    that conversation segued into kidding about something they had both read on another gentleman’s facebook page
    something involving the law, an incident, tears,
    no. a voicemail that they both found amusing
    and how they both agreed the gentleman in question kissed men.
    “but seriously, my friend,”
    my passenger said into the phone which he held up to his mouth–
    palm up like he had just taken a healthy gulp of mead from a chalice,
    i implore you, join me at Lord Leroy’s castle tonight, i shall be bearing inebriants of the highest quality.
    his friend agreed and “David” ended the call by lovingly exclaiming
    My N-word.
    a’ight uber driver, we gonna hit that Jack, then run across the street to the smoke shop,
    normally i dont like to take several stops when im driving an Uber because i really only get paid when the wheels are turning
    but what was i gonna tell mr I Am Jr? No?
    his conversation concerned me because i hadnt overheard what the matter was that they wanted to meet over
    i concluded the worst
    we arrived in Inglewood and i said that’s where Mr. Jims used to be
    It takes no teef to eat Mr. Jim’s beef 
    i offered my hand, which he slapped in approval
    “Old School” he said, and it fit.
    we drove down one of those streets near the Forum
    we turned in the drive way.
    i’ll be right out. chill.
    he left behind his glasses on the seat, next to a paper bag
    OF CASH?
    and the latest novel by S. W. Lauden.
    soon he returned and he showed me a large bag of illegal, but natural, vegetation.
    also inside the bag were three hand rolled
    to be honest, i dont know, what it was, it was dark.
    wanna get hiiiiiiiiiigh uber?
    that’s very generous of you, david, but i’m driving.
    oh come on old school lemme get turnt with my uber dude
    i stopped at a stop sign and turned down the music a little.
    listen my genetic relation
    if the po po see two handsome n-words in a benzo
    high af
    blasting biggie
    there will be no judge. no jury
    they will escort us out of this beautiful ride
    and take it for their own.
    if we’re lucky they’ll only beat us a little bit.
    stay in school
    just say no.
    we headed to the head shop after a wink
    David ran in then out with a bag of this and that,
    it was none of my business.
    we went to another apartment and i waited. and then another.
    i was beginning to become suspicious as to this most unusual ride because every time he would get on the phone or text someone he would ask them to join him in some dalliance and they would decline.
    so whose homes were we stopping by all around South Central?
    finally he said ok, we’re going over to my man Xavier’s house.
    as we approached the address he got on the phone and said
    n-word we here! where you?? im in this fly 250, like what Ray Ray had. n-word’s got his blinkers on
    throw on your blinkers, old school
    the gentleman located us and got in the back, where David joined him.
    they talked about this person and that one, and then Xavier asked about Yolanda.
    bruh Yo Yo has me broken hearted.
    for real, asked Xavier?
    David just shook his head and raised his voice, Old School, you ever fall in love?
    only every other day, i said.
    the gentlemen laughed, slapped hands
    when they laughed they laughed like this
    David followed up with, ever get your heart broken Uber?
    routinely, i said.
    Preach! David challenged.
    i said her name was Anna. i was so in love with her.
    she said if you love me so much why wont you show it in the most disturbing ways?
    MURDAHHH the gentlemen asked?
    no, she wanted me to kiss her in the
    THE MOUTH they said?!!?
    I KNOW!!!!
    Disgusting, X said. Everything goes in the mouth. Food, Drinks. Fingers. And whats on Fingers?
    Newsprint! the boys said
    and i said Exactly!
    totally gross. and she told me all of her other suiters would kiss her there.
    And i said, if the mouth is such a great place to kiss then why did the Good Lord give us two cheeks in which to target?
    and the men rolled around on their backs in the back seat laughing and laughing and omg
    i kept driving and after the laughter ended Xavier coughed a little and said,
    id kiss any white girl, black girl, mexican asian right in the mouth, but thats me
    fo real? David asked.
    100, Xavier confirmed. You telling me you aint never kissed a female in the mouth?
    David smiled sheepishly and said I mean sometimes a brothers gotta do what he gotta do
    Ours is a heavy burden, my n-words
    and we rolled down a back road that cut towards the remains of hollywood park.
    oh, this is where theyre going to kill me, i thought, kill me and steal my car.
    i thought about the girls who wanted me to kiss her there and how much i loved them, still,
    and how if theyd asked nicely, i Would have probs
    gross as that is.
    and i overheard some noise in the backseat.
    well here it is one said to the other.
    A GUN?
    A KNIFE?
    no it was the hand rolled thingamabobs.
    Xavier was looking at it as David was explaining,
    bruh, my heart broke, we gonna sit in my crib and imma have to cry on your shoulder a little bit
    you a real friend. i aint never forget you was here for me.
    now uber turn leff right here.
    we drove towards a typical apartment, one like youve seen a million times.
    you sure you dont wanna partake in this completely illegal activity with us strangers and park your luxury vehicle on this dark street in inglewood always up to no good?
    well, maybe for a minute, i said.
    and David said really?
    i said, next time super fly
    they laughed and as they left, X said, look out for that spot over there,
    full of Crips
    i took note and drove off into the darkness
    and was promptly murdered.
  6. Monday, November 2, 2015

    Taco Bell executive fired for assaulting Uber driver 

    First let’s thank Al Gore for inventing the Internet, dash cameras, and JUSTICE.

    i wonder how things went down many moons ago when people got bitch slapped before cameras were everywhere.

    now they’re even in Ubers and can capture bad drunks being bad drunks.

    i wonder how easy/hard it would have been to get a Taco Bell honcho shitcanned if a mild mannered Uber driver just filed a police report and claimed that the drunk guy in question tried to beat his head up against the window as he was driving.

    for my birthday my momma got me a $100 gift card for Amazon, my favorite store.

    pretty sure imma get the Falcon Dashcam that goes for $139 and install it in my ride ASAP because if this can happen in Newport Beach – a place my mom likes to time share – imagine what happens in Hollywood.

    or, what could happen in Hollywood.

    I’ve had to kick out people before and it’s never a smooth operation. I really wish I had a dash cam back then to document them.

    the xbi frowns upon said technology. we’re supposed to handle problems in the shadows, but thankfully this driver shared his story with the world and now Taco Bell has one less exec with drinking issues.

    which is good news for all of us.

    the scary part is now that Uber had booted the passenger from its system i wonder if he is taking Lyft or drinking/driving?


  7. Saturday, October 31, 2015

    took these century city dudes to a fancy restaurant 


    they all worked together. two of them were gay, one was indian,one kept quiet.

    they were talking about bro names, which i deduced were office nicknames for each other.

    after the ride was over, one of them apologized for the dirty talk that had also transpired

    but i said, i’ll let you know if you say something you should apologize for.

    a few minutes later i picked up this big black dude who was on the phone,

    and he stayed on the phone the whole time.

    he was having the hardest time with this chick he was on the phone with.

    he kept saying hey if youd rather be doing whatever it is that youre doing just call me back

    you keep giving me one word answers

    do you want to just listen to your music

    why dont you just call me back later

    i wanted to tell him bro, let it go. if she wanted to talk, she’d talk.

    then i got a guy in shorts and a headband who was all,

    sorry this isnt that far of a ride, im late for a 5K.

    i drove him exactly 1 mile.

  8. Monday, October 26, 2015

    doug glanville, former cub, phillie, yankee met at racist at LAX 

    doug glanville

    the guy wasnt any normal racist, he was a cab driver working the airport.

    according to glanville, who now works as a MLB analyst for ESPN, he was catching a cab with a white cameraman when something bizarre happened. when the cameraman hailed the cabbie, everything was cool, but when glanville appeared the cabbie told him to go across the street and catch a bus.

    doug told the guy, no no, im with him, we’re together. the cabbie insisted, no, you go across the street, the bus is just $19.

    here. in los angeles. in 2015.

    so i posted the article on a couple of the Uber facebook groups that im on and i said something like, “this is how we will really beat cabs. lets be all the things cabs are not. i hear you talk about cancelling rides on people or not going in certain hoods, etc. if you knock that off and we stop doing the things that people hate about cabs, we will crush them.”

    umand the very first comment that came in said, “this is the beauty of being an independent contractor. you can pick and choose who you want, whenever you want.”

    it sounded like the dude was defending the racist cabbie so i asked him to expound on his comment. he reluctantly did,

    and when he did it sounded a lot like racism. so i flat out asked him, “so you support racism?”

    and he didn’t deny it.

    then some other jackhole chimed in, so i had two guys i had to work with. no matter. im an english major. if i cant handle a competition of words i need to mail back my diploma.

    and then the original guy wrote the most amazing thing, he said, “i am not a racist I believe in segregation.” and i was all, omg even after reading this post about how doug glanville, millionaire tv analyst and former baseball player couldnt get a cab in los angeles california, this guy was basically saying yep, i wouldnt drive him to his ritzy hotel neither.

    part of me blames fox news because they have had a hard on for obama this whole time and some dimwits might think its because obama is half black, but we all know fox news woulda acted this way if john edwards had won, because all fox news cares about is ratings. half of those fuckers probably voted for obama because they’re assholes but theyre not stupid.

    but this guy and the other guy actually believe what they see on tv. they actually believe that black lives dont matter. they actually think that doug glanville and guys who look like him are threats to them in some way,

    and it’s not the other way around.

  9. Sunday, October 25, 2015

    write tales your cats wished you wrote 


    even though it’s happened a couple of times in my life,

    each time a young lady takes off her shirt for me it seems like an absolute miracle.

    sometimes they’re drunk or on drugs or theres a gun in the room

    but when theyres not, and they still do it,

    im like are you sure?

    i feel the same way when i catch a glimpse of LA being spectacularly beautiful.

    this morning i woke up at 5am, dicked around and didnt leave the house until 6.

    drove around and picked up these very tired gay guys up in the hollywood hills leaving a party above the chateau

    and as i climbed up through the canyons the sun was coming up.

    i got closer to the house and spied DTLA in the distance with all the best colors in the world around it.

    the colors of a new day.

    (your favorite colors.)

    so i took a picture but it didnt capture even a fraction of it, and somehow downtown wasnt even visible

    which is fine.

    sometimes it’s nice to just be there, and look at something startlingly sweet

    like a pretty girl in a messy bed.

    or a sunrise over a curb.

  10. Friday, October 16, 2015

    theres an uber strike happening right now, it goes through Sunday 

    lyft tip buttonthe reason many uber drivers are angry is because while the company grows and becomes valued at more and more billions of dollars, drivers have seen their take-home pay diminish.

    over two years ago when i started i was making almost double what i’m making now. i used to have a goal of $250 on a friday driving uber x and even though now i drive uber select, the days of $250 in a night are long long gone.

    the reason is because Uber insists on slashing fares, a technique that barely affects them because they only make about 25% of the fare. so for every dollar the company slashes, 75 cents comes out of the drivers’ pocket. what also comes out of the drivers’ pockets are things like: gasoline, car payments, wear and tear, and all of that “free” bottled water.

    last year Uber swore that the price cuts would increase rider demand and make us all wealthier, but not only did that not happen (how could it), but they also increased the amount of drivers on the roads AND their commissions. they also lowered things like how much $$ you get if you refer a driver. last year it was $500, today it’s $50.

    theres one thing that could mellow out the drivers and wouldnt cost Uber a dime, yet they refuse to do it: add a freakin tip button to the app. if a driver does 10 rides in a day and gets an average of $3 in tips per ride, that right there would pay for our gas. but because Uber does not see a direct monetary gain out of this, they pretend that tips are bad.

    Lyft may be in second place in the ridesharing game, but it isnt because they offer a tip button. it’s probably because of branding. despite the fact that the pink mustaches were striking and instantly made you think of ridesharing, some riders refused to be in a car with a giant fuzzy pink stache on the front bumper.

    Lyft has since removed the stache from cars but Uber has gotten a wide lead due to huge investor cash and a LOT of natural buzz.

    Still, Uber is being shortsided by thinking that there is no benefit to them as a company in making the face of their start-up (the driver) happy. who wants to get into a Prius and hear the guy grumble about how he hates Uber? and no one wants to be shaken down for a cash tip on an otherwise pleasant ride to the airport. as Uber grows their fleet of drivers also needs to grow, which will be a tough trick if the existing driverbase becomes more and more dissatisfied with their place in the success story.

    currently many drivers feel like chumps as they drive for long hours, through traffic, carrying around drunk college kids enjoying themselves while they barely make minimum wage while devaluing their automobiles. all while hearing story after story about Uber being valued at more than GM.

    if Uber simply added a tip button so much of the dissatisfaction who be stymied and the drivers could go on doing what many of them (including me) love to do: drive.

    this weekend, though, the app is off.

    if you have never used Lyft and want to support this weekend’s Uber strike use code TONY80 and get your first ride free (up to $20).