nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, August 22, 2016

    was driving home through the fairfax 

    shooting star

    minding my own business. only had it so i would pick up Uber Select. really i was driving from one Pokemon gym to the other. it was night.

    got a ping and this guy comes out and says, hi youre gonna take my friend Mo. he needs to go to the Westin LAX.

    awesome. a saturday night run to the airport? why not.

    one of the more fascinating rides ive ever had. dude is Jewish from Chile but has been studying the New Testament his whole life. Bro is 70+ years old.


    because his parents were so worried that the Nazis would find out that he was Jewish that he would kill him.

    me: were there lots of Nazis in Chile after WWII?

    him: no. but my parents were very cautious.

    turns out he teaches the bible. lectures. mostly at churches. hes a scholar.

    then he asks me if i know where any street hookers are. i say, thats the most interesting question ive ever been asked. i say, yes. he says, im not interested in their business, i just want to tell them about the bible. i say i think they know about the bible. he says, yeah i know, but thats also what i do, i try to tell them about the bible.

    so i say, weirdly theres not a lot of street hookers at midnight. the last time i saw a bunch of them was at 6:30am in DTLA right by this strip club. apparently the men are all horned up and the club is emptying and there are all these hookers ready to finish them off.

    Mo says, you have quite a way with words.

    i say, gratzi.

    as we’re driving he tells me how much he likes black women.

    so i say, lets go through Inglewood. you never know we might get lucky.

    and sure enough, right by a knock off Motel 6, there we see a tall latino street hooker and i say, the thing is, you never know if thats a man or a woman until all becomes revealed.

    when we get to the Westin he tips me $20.

    thanks God!

  2. Friday, August 19, 2016

    it’s very important to have the right music going when you pick up ppl 

    lou reed

    got a ping in westwood, which was fine. normally im taking consultants from the hotels near UCLA to LAX on thursdays.

    yesterday, no such luck. a bunch of short and medium trips around beverly hills and westwood, which is actually better because im trying to lose a few pounds so zulieka will love my nude snapchat pics and any time i drop someone off at LAX late on a thursday i always make a run to in n out for my long drive home because there really isnt much business around there.

    so i got the call. the name sounded arabic. usually i’ll put on old school jazz like wes montgomery or miles or art or thelonious. but this place was south of wilshire so i threw on some solo lou reed. a nice little mix i made. you know.

    couple appear. they apologize for being late to the car. say they had problems putting their kids to sleep.

    i was all, say no more. (as if i knew what that was like) (i would let them cry. LIFE ISNT ALL THREE WAYS AND ICE CREAM ORGIES, KIDS, CRY ME A RIVER) and they giggled. then i made the worst mistake of all, i asked them how old their little darlings are.

    they said, “fine.” and then started bickering with each other about how they need to be tougher on their kids. then they argued about moving one of the kids from one class to another because he had no friends (this is day three of the school year) and none of the kids are persian and the teacher might be great but the class is too big.

    sometimes theyd argue in english but as i turned Sweet Jane up they started fighting in persian.

    it was very uncomfortable.

    finally they asked me if i had any kids.

    i said, the people i drive are my pride and joy and i hope they feel safe and loved on our trips.

    calmed them right the hell down.

  3. Thursday, August 4, 2016

    drove a young man last night who fought in iraq and afghanistan 

    The Hurt Locker movieso naturally i had a lot of questions

    Q: what movie about the Iraq / Afghanistan war was most realistic?

    A: Restrepo (2010)

    Q: what movie about Iraq was the least realistic?

    A: The Hurt Locker (2008). Remember when James Bond was dragging those six 155mm shells through the sand? Those weigh over 100 pounds each. Not even an NFL lineman could have done that.

    Q: Were you over there when Bin Laden was killed?

    A: Yes.

    Q: Did you guys party super hard that night when you found out?

    A: Yes, we drank many non-alcohol beverages.

    Q: O’Douls?

    A: There was also a Heinekin or Becks non alcohol option there as well. If I recall correctly.

    Q: Are there any towns in the USA that remind you of any of the towns in Afghanistan?

    A: We were in Northern Afghanistan in the mountainous region. If it wasn’t for the assholes around us it looked a lot like Flagstaff, AZ: beautiful trees, even white water rivers.

    Q: So if there wasn’t a never ending war, someone could white water raft?

    A: Oh yeah.

    Q: Back to movies, did you see American Sniper?

    A: No.

    Q: In the film there’s a sniper who could shoot a guy a mile away. Didn’t that freak you out?

    A: The only people who could do that would be our guys. The enemy were usually weekend warriors who weren’t capable of that sort of accuracy, thankfully. They had different ways of being annoying.

  4. Friday, July 29, 2016

    the best part of ubering people is you learn 


    picked up two saudi moms near rodeo drive. we passed a tiny park next to the montage hotel. the park was packed with people. it was 7pm but still super sunny because its summer.

    the two ladies exchanged some words to each other in arabic and laughed. i said, i think it’s a free jazz concert. they said, no it’s an arab meet up. one of the women told me that everyone gets dressed up and “casually” meets at the park and gets to know each other and they talk about all of their homes and cars and great schools their kids are going to and they show off their jewelry.

    the other woman told me that they both like to wear more subtle clothes and not try to be show offs.

    i said, ive been keeping it real my whole life. ignore the shiny benz. they laughed and told me how funny i was.

    i said and? and?

    they paused, not understanding.

    i said, and handsome…?

    they laughed.

    one of them got a phone call. two of her kids were fighting and the nanny was calling for advice. the advice was separate them, make them each read a book. they will be talked to when she returns.

    shiny porcheit was super intense and clear and i would be a little scared while reading my dumb book waiting for my mom to come home.

    the other lady continued saying how much she loves Americans. how nice we are. how helpful we are.

    it made me feel so guilty harboring all these bad 9/11 feelings.

    weirdly she was comparing us to the french. apparently they have a summer pad in the south of france and they demand that everyone speaks french even though they know english and they are not at all welcoming.

    i said, sounds like my inlaws. hey now!

    miles davis was playing on the radio because thats what i drive on the expensive platform.

    we made a stop at a fancy wilshire condo skyscraper and dropped off the scary mom. in the driveway was a porche suv but it had gotten customized so that it was metallic looking. and on closer inspection it had its rims Bedazzled. from afar they looked like diamonds.

    “see! see!” they said to each other. “arabs!”

    i had already taken a snapchat picture.

    more things the nice mom told me:

    even though she doesnt obsess over fancy things, she loves diamonds, great purses, shoes, nice dresses, and good hotels.

    she said shes never been to nyc but is going there in the winter because her son has three weeks off for christmas break. he goes to a british school. she told me she doesnt know how to drive. i told her i should start a school called “saudi lady driving school”. she said she would sign up immediately! she said she takes uber all over the world. she said life was so much harder before it was around because not all cabs were cool with driving way out to nowhere to pick her up.

    she said her husband loves jewelry and watches and good cars. and has them shipped to them if theyre going to spend a lot of time somewhere.

    after i dropped off the other mom, the nice one said she wished i was always her driver. i was all, meeeee toooo.

    i wished her a good trip to nyc. and she said Inshallah. i asked what does that beautiful word mean?

    she said, oh, it means if God wills.

    i said As-salamu alaykum

    and her mouth dropped.

    thanks ice cube.

  5. Saturday, July 2, 2016

    i had such a good day yesterday i could cry 


    it started out with me getting to interview this guy who has made movie posters for decades.

    designs, art directs, sketches, creates, pitches and then makes some of your favorite movie posters

    he’s worked with spielberg, saul bass, schwarezenneger, ron howard, you name em.

    i was all, i hear ron howard is a monster IRL

    people like jokes.

    then i started driving.

    on thursday uber had some technical problems. neither the drivers or the passengers could use the app

    so i switched over to lyft where because of the surge of new businesses, the prices were multiplied

    to fit demand. it was great. doubly great because lyft is offering me a bonus right now

    because soon they will introduce their luxury car level of pricing and they want me to get ready

    so i think i get double the fare no matter what the fare is, so needless to say ive been driving lyft.

    most drivers who do both say the lyft passenger is nicer and more laid back and its sorta true.

    tommy burrito

    i never met any passengers like Bobby Tortilla on Uber. So thanks Lyft.

    Bobby is a heavy metal stage manager who told me some of the best stories.

    We both talked about some weird ass times at Irvine Meadows.

    I told him about sneaking into the ACDC / Queensryche show in ’86 where while they were playing Operation Mindcrime we traversed across the abandoned Lion Country Safari and eventually hopped the fence into the rock

    And he told me about being chased by a cop and a K9 while carrying a twelve pack of Coors Light – a story that we both agreed would make an excellent music video.

    He told me that he was going to be doing a show where Alice Cooper is playing and I told him about “Supermench” and he was stoked to hear about it. When I dropped him off there were two white vans in his driveway. He told me one was the old one and one is the new one. If those tour vans could talk.

    Drove a shy french girl from one side of town to the other. She was here for two weeks, staying in a tall apartment building in West LA where I had previously picked up 5 swedish girls and while I was waiting for her there were two scantily clad black girls and if i was still in the LA news biz i’d stick my nose into that building, because what the

    tonight i will be driving more Lyft because Uber still hasnt paid me my bonus from last week and they know theyre wrong and wont even answer my emails, pretending that Manilla celebrates the fourth of july.

    but the best was lunch.

    i had just dropped off this young lady at LAX who was flying to vancouver for the weekend. it took us a half hour to get from the venice blvd chase drive thru next to the cvs next to where the Good Hurt used to be next to where theres a bowling alley i think. it took us a half hour to get from there to the airport door.

    so i figured, im not on a bonus, i dont have to be super hustling,

    so i did something i never do, i went to kanpai and sat at the sushi bar and just treated myself.

    they have a lunch menu before 6pm of enough food the fill you up for sure.

    i paid $45 after tip and it was seriously the best lunch ive had all year.

    i nearly cried in the parking lot.

  6. Sunday, June 26, 2016
  7. Saturday, June 25, 2016

    some of us were meant to stand out 

    stand outand when we dont we spit in the face of destiny

    some of us were meant to fit in

    ive never met any of those people.

    everyone ive ever met was unique and interesting and flawed and superb and

    just as fucked up as me.

    yesterday i met this beautiful young lady who grew up around people who were so different than she was

    that she never learned the beauty in herself

    because all of her friends growing up

    either didnt see the beauty in her or felt uncomfortable admitting how much they were into her.

    no one ever told her when she was a little girl

    that some of us were meant to stand out

    which is good and bad

    for one, you cant hide.

    for two, all eyes are on you

    for three all the girls are gonna stare and all the boys are gonna make fun.

    except for those who also stand out


    embrace your uniqueness

    it’s how the angels above can point you out

    from waaaaaaaaaay

    up there.

  8. Friday, June 24, 2016

    even though nothing in here is true, this is true 

    lindsay lohanas you know, on the side i drive a little for Uber, the ride sharing company who continually claims they are not a transportation company but instead they are a technology company.

    from time to time they have bonuses for the drivers if we hit certain goals.

    the most common bonus they have is one that says if a driver picks up 30 trips over a three day period of time the driver will get a $150 bonus. there is also a fare guarantee that says if you pick up 1 1/2 rides (on average) a day during peak hours of that day then you will be guaranteed $30/hr gross,

    which even for Uber Select drivers (those of us with luxury cars) is typically better than our regular hourly gross.

    three weeks ago i participated in the bonus and achieved the goals. i have done this several times and each time i have received my bonuses. every now and then i will hit a snag with the customer service email person who says i didnt hit my goal, but after emailing them back and asking them to check their records again they admit they were wrong and i got my bonuses.

    two weeks ago i hit my bonus but got an email saying i didn’t hit it. after a few back and forths they admitted they were wrong and gave me half of my bonus. i wrote back and said, dudes you admitted, properly, that you were wrong, wheres the other half. to that they did not respond AT ALL.

    so i wrote back the next day, and the next day and the next day. this has now been going on for 11 days.

    this technology company, valued at several tens of billions of dollars, seems hell bent on keeping the $135 that is owed to me. in a way they know they have me over a barrel because who sues for $135 and as a driver of a mercedes, i dont have any other ride sharing companies i can jump to very easily because Lyft doesnt offer the Select platform YET in LA.

    but they will. and i will never forget how uber has treated me, someone who has driven for them for years, who has maintained a 4.9 rating out of (the impossible) 5.0 score, signed up passengers AND fellow drivers.

    it makes me think if this is part of their profit plan: rip off 10,000 drivers on average of $150 and boom youve made $1.5 million dollars. and all you have to do is not answer their emails.

    it couldnt be more frustrating and going into another weekend with an identical bonus dangling in front of my face it makes me wonder if im a jackass for going for it again. (yes i am a jackass if i go for it again).

    yesterday i went to the LA office where they handle all sorts of Uber business. i dont know if they handle pay disputes. it was my lunch hour. i noticed how packed it was in there. when i signed in the machine told me the wait would be approximately one hour and twenty minutes. so obviously i didnt want to be late for my actual real job, so i stewed and wrote another letter to uber saying how unprofessional this is to freeze out a man who has driven for years for you.

    and of course, received zero response.

    today my real job is giving us a half day so i will venture into the HQ again. hopefully the line will be less than an hour’s wait.

  9. Monday, June 20, 2016

    call me a princess but i dont drive if someone owes me money 

    king of the avefor most of last week i wrote Uber emails telling them that they shortchanged me about half of my paycheck from the week previous.

    they replied, as they usually do, with some dude from a foreign country, where English is a second language, that i was wrong and they were right.

    i replied, as i usually do, with, a stern but polite, you cray kanye, give me my money or i dont drive this week.

    they replied two days later, as they usually do, with an omg look at this it appears we do owe you some money, but of course it was not the entirety of what should have been remitted.

    and then two days after that i wrote them again to remind them that it was at that point Friday and if they were going to put their customer service to bed for the weekend that would be a bad idea because i was not going to drive unless i was fully paid

    and they didnt reply, because for some reason, this so called technology company valued at several tens of billions of dollars, do not employ customer service reps over the weekends, which means the correspondences pile up

    which means i will be writing them again today to tell them that they still owe me about $150 and im not going to drive this week unless it is given to me.

    it’s weird to work in partnership with someone who doesn’t want to give you their phone number, who is currently working on ways to have robots replace you, who pawns off all correspondences to people who are either mentally challenged or intentionally dragging their feet because others might either give up or assume that they were incorrect.

    but the thing is i am neither incorrect or worn down by emailing. emailing is simple. proving my point is even simpler. and because this customer service org is obviously not owned nor operated by Uber, it is clearly a cash grab based on multiplying the replies so as to triple and quadruple-charge the cash cow. thus a simple “omg we didnt pay you correctly, heres the money” turns into 8-10 emails of which the third party can charge Uber for each and every email.

    this is not how the so called technology company should be doing customer service.

    as someone who worked for an actual tech company who did actual customer service from 1998-2000 i know first hand how much money Uber is wasting by trying to do things the cheapo way.

    but it was relaxing having the weekend off.

    now its time for me to write another email.

  10. Wednesday, June 15, 2016

    im a little nervous i might get screwed out of my uber bonus 

    bambias i have written on here before, occasionally Uber offers bonuses to some of its drivers to drive a bunch of a trips on the weekends.

    what this does is gets a bunch of drivers on the road for Uber

    and it prevents Lyft from having the drivers.

    and, best of all, it give us drivers a boost of about $300-$400.

    last week’s bonus was simple: get 30 rides from Friday – Sunday, average 1.5 trips an hour, have an acceptance rate of over 80% and you will get $30/hr and a $150 bonus.

    so i drove 8 hours on Friday and 8 hours on Saturday (sunday is the Lord’s Day) and to play things safe i took 32 trips

    today Uber is saying I only took 28 trips which knocks my trips per hour down to 1.45

    and they dont round up.

    one of the more frustrating things with this self-described technology company is they only communicate through email and often times you have to write to reps whose English is not their first language. also everything is shady.

    example: they swear they are a technology company but as you are driving you have no clue what any of the metrics are. you dont reeeealllly know how many trips youve taken – you sorta do – but clearly it’s debateable. and for sure you dont know your acceptance rate nor do you really know how you are doing per hour.

    on top of all of that, how is it the driver’s fault those last two hours if he has his phone on but there are no passengers requesting him?


    so right now i am in email hell. ive written them like four times and all ive gotten back from them is “thanks for your email, we’ll get back to you.”

    hopefully that means there is a glitch in the system and theyre being bombarded with drivers like me who are all wtf bros.