nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, February 28, 2015

    last night was fun, if you like that sort of thing 

    last ride in uberx

    started at 8 because i went to the mercedes dealer to see if i could trade my ford in for one of their german luxury cars which would allow me to upgrade uber levels and charge double on every ride.

    dude said yes but he wouldnt know for sure until tomorrow.

    tipped the valet $3 and started ubering.

    was worried about the new Uber Pool because i didnt know how it really worked but eventually learned that the app will tell you if theres another person for pickup ready (and where) and all of that, but strangely it never asks the passengers how many are in their party and the only pool i drove last night were three drunk guys from the midwest and then two confused asian guys who ended up canceling because hi, you cant fit 5 passengers into an uber.

    did a lot of short rides but also had some long ones and surges. drove till 3am.

    – drove some moms with seafood breath from delmonicas right next to the beach through west LA, listening to them talk about baseball practice and whose mom brings what treats and what a relief in one league no one brings any.

    – took the manager of amoeba records from his home in a predominantly black neighborhood to a rock show in hollywood. was very impressed that he lived there bc i dont know of any white ppl living there. and its smart bc it’s a good 35% cheaper. we had a great chat about LP sales in places like amoeba. he says it’s a good chunk of their business.

    – picked up four party girls from santa monica to a house party in west hollywood. couldnt be cuter. we mostly talked about chrissy tiegen.

    – the midwestern boys were on vacation and were staying at the not horrible Dunes motel near the freeway. even though theyd been thrown into some seedy parts of hollywood and dtla they thought LA was beautiful.

    – some drunk guys at 2am made me wait as they got street dogs near my favorite DTLA bar Down And Out. I told them if they spilled any food or puked that the ride was over. I was very clear. Two of the guys looked scary, but i was gonna trade in the Ford in mere hours. Before we drove 5 blocks the guy in the back passed his half eaten dog to the guy in the front and it spilled right next to me and I stopped the car and said get out. Cursing, threats ensued but fellas, lemme tell you about the xbi using sign language. as i was driving off they threw their remaining dogs at my car and i screeched to a stop. fortunately for all of us it was surging even higher and i got back in my car and later wiped the ketchup from my window.

    – took the smartest cutest young lady originally from shanghai from a late night dance club to midwilshire and we talked about global economics and how chinese people dont trust chinese businesses selling them coffee or fried chicken and thus starbucks and kfc dominate. i said i smell a huge business opportunity and esped a wedding proposal to her and her fuzzy hat.

  2. Sunday, February 15, 2015

    last night driving the lovebirds was lovely 

    kanye smiling bc he's happy

    traffic was gnarly because of the record breaking warm weather. 82 degrees near the beach where i drove most of the day. and of course valentines day where everyone for some reason thinks it’s their duty to drive their loved one themselves to a far-away restaurant.

    because of the traffic and the warm temps many drivers didnt drive leaving surge prices for most of the day and night. $11 rides were suddenly $28 (as they should be) and guess what: no passenger complained.

    often drivers will say that they dont like to drive during surge hours because ticked off passengers take it out on them with low ratings.

    this week i drove almost exclusively during surge times and i have a perfect score

    so yes it can be done

    Screen Shot 2015-02-15 at 1.07.03 PM

    yesterday i learned a lot

    high school sophomore girl told me that the kids dont hate iggy azelia because she basic, but because she has bad music. meanwhile shes living the dream: grammy nom, million seller, two huge songs (fancy, black widow), dating a laker, so props to her.

    skinny cross fitter told me i shouldnt eat white things: rice, potatoes, wheat, sugar, salt. and something less impossible: start running, just a mile. do 5 pushups a day until you feel like doing 10. but just do that a few times a day. 10% he said is better than 0%. then he offered me some weed.

    party people leaving the Bungalow told me going up California, albeit full of stop signs, is still faster than Wilshire with all its lights.

    gay Aussie dude going to a lesbian wedding told me that in his country the Republicans are called Liberals and are just as determined to stick their dick into nature (for their god, money) as ours are. he said their prime minister recently approved the dredging around the Great Barrier Reef for a coal port. yes whatever you do, fuck with the largest living organism on the globe.

    these sweet asian recent ucla grads told me that asians who get red quickly when they drink booze have a 60% higher chance of getting cancer than their brethren who dont get red quickly.

    i started at 11am, ended at 9pm, took a few breaks in between and surpassed my goal while enjoying driving with the window down for most of the day.

    had to turn on the AC a few times. in mid February, while most of the nation froze.

    life is so not fair.

  3. Thursday, February 12, 2015

    went to carmax last night to buy a mercedes 

    tvCcTnvi dont really care for mercedeses but i want to drive for the higher class uber because basic uber is for basics

    got there met a nice guy who’d been there five years (take a break already!) and together we stumbled into a row of Infinitis

    theyre faster cooler and cheaper than mercedeses and i was sold on one that only had 9k miles.

    when we start crunching the numbers we realize i owe more on my current car than its worth

    because somehow, for some reason, my current ford hybrid has lost nearly half of its value in just over a year!

    meaning i will have to finance about $5k of my current loan into my new loan

    and, little did i know, but even ppl with good credit, like me, can expect to pay 6% interest on used cars.

    meaning my car payment with the infiniti would be about $200 a month more than what i currently pay

    and even though if everything goes right i would be making about $800 a month more driving in the luxury tier

    it would suck to give back 1/4 of that just on a car payment.

    especially because who knows how long i can make $800 more than i am currently making on uber

    and who really wants a $620 car note?

    so now im thinking about getting a cheaper car, which is ok, i dont care, i dont care about anything really

    except who is gonna get me world series tickets in a year and a half.

    at wrigley field.

    but i do know this, friends.

    i am gonna see AC/DC at the friendly confines this september.

    hopefully with my mom and niece and nephew bc who knows how long theyve got to rock.

  4. Saturday, February 7, 2015

    jack white wants eighty grand and fresh guacamole and i want you 

    jack white guacamole

    she got in the car and there was an instant connection.

    sometimes its like that.

    sometimes theyre just ready for you and you’ve been waiting for them.

    sometimes they call you by your first name right away and thats ok.

    music is so important but only if no ones talking.

    sometimes you can go a whole ride and never notice whats on because of the good talk

    she smelled good, sounded good, looked good.

    theres only one size of dress on the weekends: short as hell.

    one size of shoe: tall

    my car is clean, it smells good, theres a faint mood lighting tone in the interior

    usually purple, but it can be changed to any color

    she said im going to silver lake.

    i said who isnt

    and after a while, we were there.

  5. Sunday, February 1, 2015
  6. Saturday, January 17, 2015

    it wouldnt be so bad if the company wasnt worth $40 billion 

    britneyand i realize that start-ups dont typically go around and spread, oh, a half billion of that back to their drivers.

    the face of their company.

    one small reason the concept is working.

    you know, the people who paid for the cars, and the gas, and the auto repairs, and the car washes and the bottles of water

    and the barf bags and the air freshener

    and sit in traffic and wait outside darkened doors

    and drive all night.

    but for a company who seems like a sure thing winner, as long as they can stop shooting themselves in their feet

    maybe they would be interested in having a positive news cycle one day.

    and, i dont know, reward the top 75% of the drivers.

    the people who have given the most rides and those who have the highest ratings.

    divide the number of those people by a half billion dollars

    and give it to them.

    because the weird sad fact about whats happening with all these price cuts is those great drivers are all going to quit and be replaced by people who currently dont even have $11 an hour job

    so they’ll be the ones foolish enough to think that buying a new car and driving 60 hours a week will pay off for them because omg they made $150 on a friday. working 11 hours.

    it wouldnt be so bad if they allowed tips.

    it wouldnt be so bad if they stopped telling people tips were included.

    it wouldnt be so bad if it was easier to quit.

    the problem is theres several things that one quits when they do that

    the passengers, the city, the action.

    it wouldnt be so bad if those things werent always wonderful.

  7. Friday, January 16, 2015

    so busy ubering, made so little money, the days are numbered 

    usc vollyball

    what i love about bukowski is he never whined. real men never do.

    uber has a deal for drivers in LA. if you work and drive around and put up with traffic and hot babes whispering in your ear as youre trying to drive and drunk mexican uncles pointing in front of your eyes as youre trying to drive.

    and cops and cabs and cyclists and fatigue

    then for right now they’ll give you $20 an hour.

    why? because they just lowered their rates Again, and since drivers take home 80% of the fare, when you lower the rates the company only loses 20% of that cut.

    its cutthroat out there cuz ub just keeps cutting and cutting. today i drove for seven hours and made like $14 an hour and i had two long trips.

    it was different driving with a guarantee, you didnt give a shit. want a short ride? fine. as long as i do at least one an hour i get my twenty bucks. want a long ride? who cares, even long rides will only bring in $20 which is the same as a short one so unless we’re going to mexico i’ll just sit here and steer.

    drove four members of the usc womens volleyball team. tall and pretty and funny and nice.

    drove three asian girls to an LMU frat party, which is basically a normal little house in the middle of a regular neighborhood becuase LMU doesnt have a frat row.

    took that drunk uncle, his two hot nieces and one of their boyfriends from the LAX area to Lennox near where that M&Ms burned down.

    man was he drunk. told me he has a 2001 vette that he got six people in. see thats how its done, if youre gonna lie to a man make it fun to think about.


    “we had three in the drivers seat and three in the passengers seat,” uncle told me as the girls laughed in the back and apologized for him. i said no one gets to apologize in this car: your sins were forgiven by the lord on that cross. now is the time to spread love.

    and with that uncle took some tequilla out of his paper bag.

    i was all, im not going to tell you what to do, youre a grown man

    and almost as handsome as me.


    but i will tell you that if the police see you with that booze they will throw me in jail.

    no they wont he said

    i said hands up mike brown life isnt fair for if it was id be about a foot taller and be the clippers shooting forward.

    on the way home ate kfc spicy crispy because we’re all gonna croak anyways.

  8. Tuesday, January 6, 2015

    the cats lay next to my bedroom door 

    bella and they push their paws under my door.

    usually they’re playing with little cat toys, or bottlecaps, or tacks

    and they’ll push it under the door to me and just lay there waiting for me to return it.

    it’s a bizarre version of catch.

    called CatCh.

    pretty sure im selling my car in a week or two.

    yesterday i went to Carmax and looked at a few Mercedes.

    the 250 is cool looking but the backseat was pretty tight.

    the 300 isnt that much more expensive but they only had it in gray and i wanted it in black.

    cuz its beautiful.

    absolutely no pressure. in fact the saleslady told me to call my Ford dealer and see if they could give me a better price for my Cmax.

    my payment for the mercedes would be exactly the same as for my current car, and it has the same mileage (24k) – how is that possible?!?

    but last night i sorta fell in love with the Audi 6. not only is it slicker looking, i think, but for $25 a month it could be its own personal hotspot.

    yes, wifi in my ride.

    what passenger wouldnt love that?

    to me that would be worth the double price id be charging them to ride with me.

    the 2012 Audi 6 is a little more than the 2013 mercedes 300 but it might be worth it.

    only problem: carmax doesnt have any, and dealerships are $$$$

  9. Sunday, January 4, 2015

    drove 500 miles this week 

    physical grafitti

    made $600.

    pretty sure thats not how it should go.

    pretty sure i have to trade in the economobile for a luxury sedan so as to make some real side money.

    pretty sure this is what they call a financial gamble but

    i dont have a house, a kid, or half the financial gambles my peer group has

    and some times it takes money to make money.

    quite a few things boiling in some other kettles.

    excited for those.

    grateful for everything, everyone, anything.

    hard to believe ive been tapping away at this blog for about 14 years now.

    lets make something on here interesting

    for once.

  10. Tuesday, December 30, 2014

    yesterday the plan was, just go to LAX and see what happens 


    mostly because it’s really hard to get passengers at LAX if you’re uberx because all the people who want rides are in the terminals but we are not allowed in the terminal area.

    but the good news is, if you can somehow get someone leaving the airport you’ll probably get around $20, which is nearly impossible to do just driving around the streets of LA during this dead post-Christmas week.

    my goal was $100 for the day, because thats also impossible. and for some reason i like impossible things.

    so i drove towards LAX, which is ridic because you should never do that, you should go somewhere where there are people (DTLA, Hollywood, Santa Monica) and then just sit and wait.

    because it’s dead i drove pretty much from beverly hills to santa monica without a ping, which tells me one of two things, either it’s dead or uber has flooded the market with drivers, who, like me, have this week off of their real jobs. either way, it’s miserable unless you have an impossible dream.

    LAdid a few short rides around Santa Monica/Venice on my way to LAX (one tourist, two locals) and got to LAX and boom, a nice young black lady pinged me from the Hilton. she had taken the free hotel shuttle, summoned me, texted me telling me where she was in the hotel (valet area) and we had a fantastic ride to the Hollywood Hills ($25).

    at this point it was 4:30pm so i decided to go home and take a three hour break.

    played with the cats, played my new NBA2K15, talked to a pretty girl, then took a shower.

    around 7:30pm i was back on the road towards LAX. picked up 3 hot babes in mid city who were headed to the Clippers game. it was already half time. they were drunkish because it was one of their birthdays. they all sat in the back seat and reviewed all the times they had gotten wasted together (mardi gras, various college parties, and a few local bashes)

    an example of their discussion:

    “Mandy, why didn’t you party with us much in college?”

    “Well, freshman year i was shy, sophomore year i was fat, junior year i was skinny but devoted to working out and studying, and senior year i studied abroad”.

    dropped them off at the game, it was only $12, got frustrated that a trip halfway across the city pays so little, so i got on the freeway to LAX to see if i could get another $25 ride.

    got pinged almost right away but it was a guy in the terminal who dropped his pin away from the terminal and asked me if i could pick him up in terminal 2. my facebook uber groups tell me that this is a trap. sure some real passengers do this, but airport cops also do this to trick us and then they impound our cars. so i told the dude no.

    got pinged again but it was a local couple who wanted to go to Dave and Busters. babe was super hot and was excited about beer and video games? mama mia.

    while driving back to LAX got pinged over by Kanpai, it was two groups of college kids who had ordered two ubers. they were going to some rave at the Shrine by USC. thats the good news, the bad news was a kid about 18 with a floppy hat asked if i had an AUX cord so he could blast his bad EDM and good hip hop. i still have a headache, but whatevs, $25.

    thats right, from LAX down the 405 across the 10 and up the 110 is $25.36.

    one of the kids wanted to tip me through the app but i told him it wasnt possible yet, and probably never. whatevs. i only needed one more $25 ride and the goal was mine. didnt really wanna burn gas by going back to LAX and i felt sorta lucky to get the rides i did from there so i drove around DTLA.

    got a hot babe and sort of a dickish dude at a bar. she was drunk and all over him, he was playing it cool but saw my cubs hat and complimented Theo for all of his off season moves. put a smile on my face, but the $4 ride only gets me $2.50 so i moved on.

    right away i got beeped to what seemed like the LA Times. turned out it was. turned out it was a newish reporter who wanted to go to West Covina (!), turned out i know almost everyone he works with, we had a good chat. $28 so i got an in n out and called it a night. goal met.

    150 miles driven to make $100. this is why many consider this once fun and profitable side hustle a grind.