nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, January 16, 2017

    i wanna say thats not joey ramone 

    but that equipment looks like the real thing.

    those are like four Marshall headers

    but who’s that on guitar?

    i ask because Joey’s neck looks suspicious

    wasnt he always a twig?

    even the hair looks like a wig.

    was listening to end of the century for a while and now im on the clash sandinsta because its my least favorite class record

    three albums of experimentation if you ask me

    aint nothing wrong with trying things out


    tonight i got an uber select call from a little mexican guy named juan

    we talked about tacos when i saw we werent going very far away

    i said ive been to england ive been to france but they aint got tacos. he told me i need to go to mexico city. i say so thats where the real deal is? he goes, no, you gotta go to the towns around it, especially in the south.

    im like do they have chips there and good salsa? he goes yeah. i say whats your thing right now?

    he goes i really like a good quesadea.

    he’s all, youre not spelling it right.

    i go, its not spelled queseda?

    he laughs and says, its not spelled that either.

    we were getting close to his house. huge craftsman right near pico and western. pretty much the house i wanna buy for zulekia and marry her and raise her kids at.

    dropped him off and he paused, dug into his pants

    now believe me when i tell you he looks exactly like a busboy and hes ordering mercedeses

    and tipping!

    gave me three bucks.

    and i was like muchas gracias amigo. and he was all later!

  2. Monday, January 9, 2017

    picked up a guy at usc who had a complicated knee brace 

    i was all, snowboarding?

    he said, skiing.

    i was like, kids still ski?

    he goes

    but before he could i answered for him, not well.


    id been driving for about two hours around SC. today was their first day back from break.

    after so many days of getting very few rides i just wanted to do like 15 or 16 in a couple of hours and get the mojo going again.

    did 22.

    this guy was the last one.

    he goes, hold on got my buddy coming.

    im all, youre the invalid and you got here first?

    his friend arrives with a jovial, hey cripple.

    i slide the iphone and start the ride. Arabian Nights? whats that?

    he goes, we’re gonna buy a bong!


    his buddy is like, all the guys on our floor chipped in and we’ve got $100.

    i go, what sort of flooring is happening in this dorm?

    he’s like hardwood.

    im all well you cant get glass.

    he’s like i cant use a plastic bong.

    i go dude one bong and an entire floor of freshmen dudes? that things gonna break.

    he goes, theres carpet in the rooms.

    and im well alright then, but maybe you should rubberize it or something. get creative.

    and his buddy murmurs, the old one did break. glass.

    i said SEE!


  3. Sunday, January 8, 2017

    gonna try something new this week while driving 

    works simple. first half hour of each hour try to get a Select ride.

    if no rides appear by the second half of the hour just take any old ride.

    the goal is $20 an hour. if you can do that for 20 hours that gets you $400 a week.

    my goal last year was $250 a week which i hit but i rarely took any old ride.

    its gonna rain pretty hard tomorrow they say

    everyones probs gonna croak.

    then tuesday Casie from Canadas gonna be in town.

    but i will try this experiment, have no fear.


  4. Sunday, January 1, 2017

    stand out once in a while 

    the night started slow, it was cold, it had rained, but there i was driving a french dude and his rich girlfriend from brentwood to hollywood

    and they were fighting.

    every now and then he’d switch from english to french

    but i parlez frances une petite peut


    at issue was the fact that he had texted an ex gf something along the lines of “it’s too bad you have a bf or else i would…”

    the girl in the car said, “or else what? what would you do?”

    he was cornered. he answered the only way he could – by not answering

    “zo, you are checking my phone now? voila!” he fired back.

    she ignored him. “what would you do? did you tell her you had a girlfriend? how many other exes do you say these things to?”

    at some point he successfully changed it to how she didn’t seem pleased with the expensive meal he had just treated her to.

    “of course i liked it. i even gave you money because you overspent on me. it was unnecessary,” she said.

    we were getting off the freeway and exiting on a long off ramp. as i slowed down to the stop light to fairfax he rolled down his window, which was odd because it was so cold outside and nice and toasty in my ride.

    he reached into the breast pocket of his blazer and removed his wallet. then he took out $40 and threw it out the open window!


    “i dont need your money, im not with you for your money. i only want you to be happy. you take lobster, i pay for the lobster. you take champaign, i pay. you take a nice dessert, d’accord. i have my own money. i dont need yours.”

    we still had 5 more minutes to go to get to the restaurant and i promised myself that if jean marc threw out any more money i was going to run out and collect it. i wasnt driving out in these wet streets for blog material.

    but it was nice to have some.

    for once.

  5. Saturday, December 31, 2016

    dear tony, im thinking about driving for uber and or lyft 

    omg sounds fun.

    heres a few things you should know.

    your car is gonna get dirty on the inside and outside.

    youre gonna use more gas than you expect.

    youre gonna put a bunch of miles on your car.

    repairs are going to be needed.

    not everyone is gonna be nice (but most will be).

    so the first tip i have for you, especially now that the new year is moments away: Get a small notepad, something that will fit in your glovebox. This will be by your side as you drive.

    What to write in it: every trip write down the time you got to the spot, what time you dropped them off, and how much you are supposed to get paid. (Sometimes the payouts are wrong and omg mysteriously they are never in favor of the driver.)

    Also write in it your odometer when you start driving for the day and when you have stopped. (There is software you can buy too, an app called Sherpa Share, which is good, but this is an analog log.)

    Also write in any time you do repairs, get gas, get a car wash, pay tolls or parking or buy water for the passengers or aux cords or anything for the car that you are using for ridesharing.

    Once a week take a picture of the pages for that week so you have this backed up digitally in case your notebook gets lost, stolen, burned up in a terrible fire.

    Yes this notebook is good for taxes, but it will also show  you if what youre doing is profitable. Which may be a goal of yours.

    Get SiriusXM and play either Metal or Jazz. 

    the majority of your passengers will say they don’t care when you ask them what music they wanna hear and thats exactly why this country is in the toilet.

    young people today can name a half dozen kardashians but not one ted nugent record. wtf is that?

    so basically if you’re under 60 i have the station on Ozzy’s Boneyard. if you’re older i’ll put on Real Jazz which is old school Monk, Trane, Bird…

    the ride can be and should be an education. and as with most things in life, it starts with the sweet tunes.

    best of all you can write off the subscription.

    sometimes people, particularly young people, will ask for the AUX cord.

    heres my question, if they asked for the steering wheel would you give it to them? of course not.

    never let anyone grab your aux cord because the first thing they want to do when they get it is ask you to crank it.

    trust me when i tell you, you do not want to crank their music.

    not even for the 15 minutes that the average drive consists of. of all the tips, this may be my best one.

    do not do it.

    they will pout, they will threaten your beautiful driver rating, but trust me. ignore the plea.

    instead, say: i have every channel on sirius, which one do you wanna hear.

    and then play ozzy when they say uhhhhhh.

    Babies are OK if they have a car seat.

    if they don’t have a car seat they don’t get a ride.

    if anyone complains just say, “look im on probation. i can’t go back.”

    they’ll understand

    dogs are ok if they can do a trick or if i can take a picture.

    most people who bring dogs are women. no one knows why. they usually smell a tiny bit because they’re dogs, but they magically bring joy to you and your ride and it lingers.

    have some air spray or some orange peels or something that can get that dog smell out of there once he leaves because i promise you it will smell like a dog a little no matter what their owner says.

    you will be hit on. resist.

    if one thing leads to another and your passenger wakes up with her uber driver next to her and doesnt remember how it all happened, her memory will never create a romance story. it will be a horror film. slow mo. you will go to jail. no one believes the uber driver about anything. no one. give her your number if she insists, but don’t call her back until the next day.

    if you must.

    the media is obsessed with uber drivers and i have yet to read the story about juliet meeting her romeo the uber driver.

    get a dash cam, preferably one that has two cameras, one that points forward and one that goes backwards. i have the Falcon. it costs about $140, sometimes you can find it as low as $100. i only have the camera pointing forward recording most of the time. but if trouble lurks i tap two buttons and the rear camera is on along with my announcement, “for your safety and mine, the dashcam is now recording audio and video and its being stored in the cloud.” shit mellows out quickly when they hear that. bad news: it’s not really being stored in the cloud. good news: it’s usually drunk people being verbally abusive that you have to say this to and they don’t know.

    why do i have the forward facing camera rolling at all times? because people cray and if someone hits me in the front of my car i have video of it. because, no one would believe the uber driver without it. you can write this off too.

    take a lot of pictures. youre gonna see some weird shit.

    only let people eat in your car in the daytime. people spill. if they spill at night you might not ever see it and sploosh theres some ketchup on the white jeans of your next passenger. no good for anyone.

    if its not busy i will take you through the drive thru. but you have to buy me a shake. and let me take a picture. and give me some fries.

    but only if its day time.

    you can try to be a nice guy who goes in the burger king drive thru at 2:15am on a friday night but one person is gonna barf which is gonna make everyone else barf.

    you are the boss of your life. my life has very little puke.

    you can cancel rides you know. sometimes you should.

    when the passenger orders the uber it tells them how far away you are. it tells them how many minutes it will be. rarely in LA are you further than 10 minutes away (btw don’t take rides where you have to drive more than 10 minutes to get to them).

    so when you show up, and you are waiting and waiting, what i like to do after waiting two minutes is i text them this: “hi this is uber, i am [in the driveway/in front of 1234 Boogie Woogie Ave/in valet] is that where I should be?”

    two things may happen. sometimes they never respond. hard to believe since they just used that very same phone to order the uber. or they will text back with “coming” or “be right there”.

    if after 5 minutes of waiting they are still not there (and you know the time because you have written it in your notebook) you can cancel and you will get $4.

    even if they say, “turn on the meter” do not. the meter on uber/lyft rolls slower than you would ever imagine. it’s pennies. not a lot of pennies. maybe 5 pennies. a day. for waiting. fuck that. cancel. the server took forever? no, YOU took forever. thanks for the money.

    drive at all hours of the day and night.

    but know the worst time is from 1:30am – 3:30am. why? it’s a vomitpalooza, no one gets to your car in a reasonable time, the roads are filled with drunks and cops, people are cold hungry and have to pee, some people are crying, some are trying to have sex in your car, some fall asleep, some try to get violent. nowadays it only surges for 20 minutes or so around when bars close – it’s not worth it. go home at 1am.

    and often the best time is at 6am. theres little traffic. often it’s rides to the airport. have a clean trunk at all times.

    Once you start driving you will get a referral code for new drivers. They will ask you questions. Answer them. The best way that they can thank you for your knowledge and ongoing tips is for them to sign up using your referral codes (yes you should drive for both Lyft and Uber)

    My Uber code is https://partners.uber.com/i/8q88tl

    My Lyft code is https://www.lyft.com/drivers/TONY3772

    The robots will take this away from us one day. Until then, enjoy the ride.

  6. Friday, December 16, 2016

    im not like them, i cant pretend 

    it was raining, but it was surging so i said fuckit and drove after work

    we’re all gonna die anyways.

    got this rich businessman coming out of a beverly hills hotel.

    we were talking about this mixer he just came outta.

    i says, so you guys buy companies

    he goes, invest, buy, sell, real estate too.

    i go whats your game plan for weed?

    he says oh we’ve got a couple companies into it. big time.

    i go, ok heres my question. i heard these dispensaries cant put their money in the bank because its federally against the law and banks have to answer to the feds.

    he goes yeah.

    i go, ok you said you also do real estate. so if a dispensary has lets say $10 million, can they buy a damn mansion through you, rent it out for a little while, then flip it?

    he says no because even if you buy a house with cash, which you can do, the seller has to put that cash in a bank and youve gotta explain where you got anything over $10k.

    so i say so what do you do with the weed money from those companies you own

    he says we buy old cop cars and make them look as close to cop cars as possible and we use those to transport the cash to the safe house.

    then he tells me how much weed is selling for in pounds, then he converted it down to the gram.

    i asked are you a math wiz?

    he said, no, ive always been interested in weed.

    then he asks me, ask me how many grams are in a pound?

    i go, how many grams are in a pound.

    and he goes 453.6

    we approached a gate he said drive over to the box.

    we roll slowly, he rolls down his window, he punches in a code into the box

    the gate slides open, and we drive up

    and up

    and up.

  7. Thursday, December 15, 2016

    drove a guy from beverly hills to newport beach yesterday 

    we had our work company party yesterday at BOA steakhouse and when it was over they let us go home early which is always nice.

    but instead of going home i started Ubering and the first ping i got was on Uber Select and it was a mental health doctor who wanted to go to Newport Beach which was almost 2 hours away.

    it was gonna cost him about $175 and i would keep about $135 of it. thats the good news, the bad news was the traffic would be brutal and he didnt wanna talk that much. but when we did talk it was great.

    first thing i asked him was if he thought Kanye was crazy. he said he grew up with Texas hip hop and reeled off a half dozen names, said he saw the Watch the Throne concert at Yankee Stadium which was Kanye vs Jay Z. and he said yes Kanye was probably a little sick and could def use help. but he also said that massive creativity edges insanity.

    crazy people are just hyper sensitive to the things around them, the doc said. it was nice.

    i told him about a girlfriend i had who was probably bipolar and how much i loved her but there wasnt anything i could do about it. he said there isnt anything people can do. we can recommend things like diet and exercise but if they dont want therapy on their own, they’re not going to trust anyone.

    this doc was against meds. he thought meditation and hypnotherapy does wonders. he said theres a theory that 85% of our consciousness is subconscious and we can tap into it, but only if we can numb the conscious and the best way to do that is to hypnotize it, not in a magic trick way but in a temporary clinical way. he said he had done it and it was fantastic. he said so much of the unproductive things in the sub conscious are learned and can be unlearned and lead us to clarity.

    then he asked me what i did when i wasnt driving.

    i said i fight crime.

    he said, yeah but what do you do for fun?

    i said, social media for the academy. and we talked about targeted facebook ads.

    but then we got back to craziness. he said he has offices all over the country and he said ppl on the East Coast are waaaaay crazier than those on the West. i asked is that bc our weed is better out here? he said, a little!

    but he also said the weather can psychologically fake you out. he said imagine you live in Boston and 10% of the year you literally cannot get out and do things, after a while you’ll start believing that 10% of the things in your life are impossible to overcome.

    meanwhile in California theres never a day where you cant go out there and go for it. because of that people out here think theres nothing they cant do. and that positive outlook bleeds into other aspects of their lives.

    also he says families can make you crazy because its so ingrained. he said people back east who never move away from their families get rooted down and stymied. whereas if you are on the west coast away from your past you can reinvent yourself or — be your own kind of crazy, which is way healthier.

    he took my business card because he wanted to talk more about social media.

    and i was all, take two, i might be bipolar too :)

  8. Monday, December 12, 2016

    picked up a ballerina in south central, dont ask 

    i was trying to drive over at USC but i got caught up at this Church’s Chicken drive thru.

    the squawk box was broke so everyone had to wait in line and order at the window – in your car – it was a mess

    and the weird thing about having your Uber Select radar on in the hood is you might be the closest person to a

    smokin hot, super skinny, probably on coke, wild-minded, sex-on-the-brain new yorker

    who is going on a blind date in Beverly Hills.

    David? I asked whe she got in.

    David is the gentleman who did the right thing and ordered this car, I’m Carla.

    within minutes we were talking about sex, models, not eating at fancy restaurants, anorexia, bulimia,

    and threesomes.

    “im the star of the show, honey, it’s all about me.” she laughed.

    and it was.

    some drives i have to lead the conversation. sometimes i have to pry.

    with Carla i found myself going backwards

    now wait, you just said XYZ, lets delve into that more.

    she laughed a lot. so much energy. she asked for a water. people never do that. of course i had it.

    when i dropped her off she walked a few steps in front of my car, incredibly tight jeans.

    turned around and winked.

    and i was all, David, i hope to hell you’re ready.

  9. Thursday, December 8, 2016

    pretty girl says she wants to come over and clean my house 

    and i look at myself in the mirror and i think, now i could understand if i got this offer at 20, 30 or even 40

    but how is this happening now that im knock knock knocking on heavens door?

    maybe shes trying to get in my will.

    right now my will is being rewritten because previously i had left all of my worldly possessions to the Cubs so they could sell them and buy a left handed starter

    but now that we’re world series champs, all i want for Christmas is my sink of dirty dishes cleaned.

    so i appreciate her, and what i hope are some inappropriate uniforms, coming over to take care of them.

    last night i drove around USC, and speaking of inappropriate, it was an Uber Pool, meaning you pick up someone and before you drop them off you pick up someone else.

    in the front seat was this frat boy surfer dude

    in the back were two chinese computer science majors.

    surfer bra goes what sort of weed do they have in china?

    guys in the back laugh and say they have never smoked pot.

    we’re heading to the off campus apartment complex called the Lorenzo.

    surfer goes, you live in the Lorenzo and youve never smoked pot?

    china guy says, only the Americans smoke that.

    i laugh. Americans.

    chinese guy says, isn’t that addictive?

    surfer says, havent you ever been addicted to a video game? like you cant stop thinking about it. your hands get sore playing? or what about a girl, have you ever been obsessed by some hot chick? both of those are way more addictive than weed.

    then the chinese guy goes our parents told us not to do it.

    surfer says, didnt your parents tell you not to wack off?

    everyone laughs.

    loudest of all: a muffled voice in the trunk.

  10. Tuesday, December 6, 2016

    we’re all gonna die so i went with the flow 

    harry carayi dont usually do x rides that early in the evening because theres a good chance the consultants have yet to leave the building

    but i have no patience any more and i just turned it on and got this movie producer from the international over to this steak house in beverly hills.

    turned out we knew some of the same people. small world.

    uber has this thing where it will hook you up with a new ride sometimes before youre finished with the ride you’re still doing, which is what happened

    dropped off the producer picked up this quiet businessman who lived in the val.

    encino i said and i said it in a happy way, like hey just going with the flow is working out. long trip and we end up somewhere i hardly ever am.

    first waze said take the 405, but you know who takes the 405 at 7pm on a monday? sucker MCs.

    i aint no sucker MC and neither is my passenger so we took Sepulveda and wound over and to the side of the 405 and it was smooth sailing.

    climbed up the hill and boom i was good. figured id be like tom petty and just take ventura blvd back to hollywood but id turn on the Select Only and see if i got lucky. called my mom to ask her what she thought about Jimmy Kimmel being the host of the show and before i knew it i was getting a Select ping.

    picked up a beautiful Puerto Rican music exec at a restaurant in Encino. she comes out with two suitcases and friends. suitcases? down here in the Val? to the airport?

    to the airport.

    and it was so nice. 405 south, sucker MCs, but we were a carpool going the right way. carpool lane was empty. maybe 400 cars all going south, all solo. so weird. we talked about Cuba and JLo and Pitbull.

    Uber is the best invention ever, she said.

    and told me about how she was in a rush at the Miami airport and just said fuckit and got a cab and it was hot and she had her french bulldog with her and she asked the cab if he could turn on the AC

    and he said, i dont turn on the air for


    i gasped.

    she said, that’s my baby!

    i said, i know.

    and i knew.