nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, October 26, 2014

    after awhile you know whats going on 

    tumblr_ncgricQjyS1socxyho1_500theres an intuition, a confidence.

    theres no need to be cocky about it. thats for the sucker mcs.

    but in your heart you know before you do it how its gonna turn out and as it unfolds you really cant blame anyone but yourself when it plays out the way you always knew it would.

    it was about 1:20am. it wasnt surging yet in DTLA but i knew it would in about 15 minutes.

    i was parked on 7th street near Broadway and if i was a smoker i woulda hopped out of the car, found a friendly nook in a building to lean against and burned my fag.

    instead i failed at the game of Patience, turned on the app and got dinged over by the Arts district. instead of refusing it to wait for the rates to double, i thought, you know, it’ll probably be a short ride to the other part of DTLA and you’ll be perfectly situated for bars to close.

    but a part of me said, it’s not worth it for a $5-$10 ride.

    it took 11 minutes to get there and then they made me wait for 5 minutes. all of it was torture.

    you dont really Uber *for* the money, but there are certain times of the night where you can easily make $80-$100 in one ride. if you’re patient: and lucky. i was neither. i could have canceled the ride after five minutes but i was already way over there in the arts district and i didnt wanna be the reason someone hated uber.

    of course we had to drive all the way to hollywood. of course then the guy wanted his friends to get dropped off first and then he wanted to go to silver lake.

    misery misery misery as he just texted and tweeted the whole time as we drove cheap miles eating away at the clock.

    and i reminded myself no one was gonna get rich with uber except the founders and the pre-ipo stock holders. just enjoy the yeah yeah yeahs playing on sirius.

    finally dropped him off and saw DTLA was surging at 4x the rate and i said never again. and suffered.

  2. Saturday, October 25, 2014

    driving to watts with a guy dressed as a naked dude at 2:15am 


    Last night I picked up this group in DTLA at the Mayan at 2am during a 1.75x surge, meaning the ride would cost nearly double the normal rate.

    They punched in their destination in the app before I arrived. When I started the ride I saw on the map it was gonna be a long one to the South. 114th street I asked? They said yep. We were currently on 11th.

    I asked what sorta music they wanted to hear. They said 105.5 FM which is a spanish music channel. And we were off.

    Drove south on the 110 and when we went east on the 105 I realized we were headed to Watts.

    watts nbd

    When we got there I asked is this really Watts? They said yep. I asked which way is the Watts Tower (I’d never been). They pointed.

    The guy in the black shirt said “but wear a helmet” and chuckled.

    Dropped them off in a mighty scary area. Two guys were selling drugs at the corner like in the movies. Cars were speeding by abandoned buildings. But as I was driving away from my passengers, they yelled to me.

    They then gave me a $10 tip.

    Amazing how sometimes the poorest people living in the scariest parts of town will be the most generous after a $30 ride. Whereas some of the richest people living in the lap of luxury will whine about a $10 ride and not even consider tipping (or even being polite) to the guy driving them home in the middle of the night.

    Long live Watts.

  3. Friday, October 24, 2014

    got beeped in Culver City and this super hot chick comes out 

    shit happensi go Greg?

    she says no, i’m a friend of Greg, he will be out as soon as he settles his check with the waitress.

    and i start cursing this Greg under my breath thinking things like, why would you order an Uber before you have paid for your meal? why is it ok for us to wait and not you? what is wrong with the world???

    a few minutes out comes the hot babe again but with an even hotter and younger woman. in between them is an old man.

    he gives them each some cash and kisses them on their cheeks and he slides into the back seat of my car.

    we start driving.

    i say, tell me your secrets, sensei.

    turns out Greg is a photographer who lived in Haight Ashbury right before it became The Spot in the ’60s.

    i asked, how did you know to live there?

    he said, i didn’t. i got lucky. it was close to the University of San Francisco.

    he told me they smoked weed, dropped acid, and had lots and lots of free love.

    i said, so that was real?

    he said, very real. beautifully real.

    i said, but you still got it?

    he said, no no, im old, no longer good looking. but being a photographer does have its advantages.

    Greg told me that 15% of all models will have sex with their photographers. he advised me never to make the first move. always have wine. and tell them things like, “imagine the man of your dreams just walked into your bedroom. how would you treat him. what would you say. what would you do?” and then keep taking pictures. take too many pictures.

    i said, i take lots of photos and theyre all terrible.

    he said, take twice as many. use good equipment. but never stop.

    we wound our way up the hill in Bel Air, he got out and he tipped me $8.

    it was his first Uber. and it made my night.

  4. Friday, October 17, 2014

    fridays are 16 hour days 


    but for some reason i love them.

    i was born to work hard. and then play hard.

    usually i get tired around 2am on friday nights and 4am on saturdays.

    hopefully i can catch some good long rides before midnight so i dont have to try to hustle super hard from 1-3am.

    your dear girl is finally in rehab but her recklessness and my foolish trust has put me a little in the credit card hole

    which im sure i can get out of but its actually against the bible to have big credit debts so im a little uptight about that.

    even though it was for a good cause.

    but the best part about uber is i should have it all paid off before Christmas if i sock most of my earnings towards the bill.

    and then i can get something cool for myself, like an iPad

    or a Rolls.

    all i really want is some new jeans

    and for my momma to be happy.

  5. Monday, October 13, 2014

    gotta be careful with the drunks when you uber them 


    some will try to strangle you or play with your eyes or steal your cap

    some will barf in the barf bag you hand them when you see them in your rearview, and then they’ll spill the bag on the floor

    some will ask you how old you are and you say 14 and they’ll say nooooo so you say your real age and they’ll say NOOOOOO

    some will try to take you into their house and you’ll be all baby it’s Surging out there!

    some will make you wait forever as they do anything else except leave the club to get the Uber they asked for 20 minutes ago

    some will ask you to go through the drive thru after a wedding at the beverly hills country club and not even offer to get you two tacos for 99 cents

    some will refuse to give you the address or name of the restaurant theyre headed to instead insisting on giving you directions but then they’ll space out while texting and miss turns like crazy

    some will ask you how much money you make some will ask you to turn down the radio some will ask you to crank it.

    some will get in the car after youve cleaned it of vomit and say omg it smells like oranges in here!

    and you’ll say it does

    i mean yes IT DOES!

  6. Thursday, September 18, 2014

    i was a special guest star at a usc journalism class last night 


    mr Drew Tewksbury who ive read in several publications like the LA Weekly invited me to speak to his entertainment journalism class at the famous private school

    id spoken there before but every time i go i get nervous.

    the main theme i told them is: in modern journalism no one really knows what they’re doing.

    we went over a few of the latest scoops and they were all broken by non-traditional outlets, typically digital ones

    ray rice, jay-z and solange, and most importantly the NSA.

    i said newspapers dont know what to do with that type of news any more so people either approach outlets who will pay for the videos or the sources themselves choose to deal with bloggers turned journalists (like glen greenwald) who wont spike the story because it might upset the government (something the new york times has been known to do).

    i said the good news about all of this is there are big opportunities for young journalists to break news as long as you are excited to work for media outlets like Vice, Buzzfeed, Gawker, and LAist instead of struggling to get a spot at a newspaper or tv station.


    not sure if that information actually reached them, the kids tend to keep their eyes on their laptops

    and they smile and they nod but do they understand the words coming out of my mouth?

    who knows.

    i do know that the new annenberg center for journalism is beautiful and wired and wireless and even at 8pm

    there were a lot of kids in there studying or maybe they were escaping the heat?


    afterwards i ubered a kid over to LACMA then picked up a guy going to sushi then took a young lady across town

    then had donuts with amber and her friend

    then watched the first half of the fault in our stars.

    i have a weird life.

    today we are moving back to our academy office in beverly hills.

    it has been remodeled over the summer.


  7. Saturday, September 13, 2014

    protesting against the beverly hills hotel hurts these kids 


    drove a food server and two pool boys of the famous hotel california, probably the most beautiful hotel ive ever been in.

    they were going to a concert downtown.

    couldnta been funnier.

    i turned off the meter after a little while because it was such a joy to be with them.

    i asked if the hotel was being affected by the boycott they said lets talk about anything else.

    finally they said the owner that people are protesting owns lots of things, but mostly oil.

    they said, if you want to boycott something, stop driving your car.

    but the beverly hills hotel is less than 1% of his holdings,

    when you refuse to come the service employees are the ones who feel it the most.

    they totally turned my thinking around.

    and after i dropped them off i turned off my car and walked home.

  8. Tuesday, September 2, 2014

    did 20 rides yesterday in 10.5 hours 


    when i got home i unwrapped a 5 hour old taco bell burrito from my glove box,

    ate it, and passed out.

    can a 108 year old man sustain two jobs, two kittens, a smokin hot girlfriend, an ex-gf on the couch

    and blog regularily?

    according to danielle: no. she called me yesterday to tell me she hates when i blog about uber.

    she also told me that the blue car i gave her a few years ago finally bit the dust.

    “who cares about those people in your car? plus you look like a perv in those pictures!”


    not all of us were born with beautiful long blonde hair and runway model features.

    i simply talk to the people, try not to judge, and smile for the birdy.

    yesterday was labor day, it was supposed to be hella busy. it pretty much was.

    first guy i picked up was the worst (made me wait when i arrived, then made me stop at the 7-11 near his destination, all while wearing a pink polo shirt and pink shorts). gay prostitute? doubt it, gays are more fun.

    last couple i picked up were the best: nice long ride from marina del rey to LAX where a bag was delayed and they had to retrieve it, back to hollywood near my house. bonus: their cute dog was a silent bit of joy.

    along the way there were frat boys, international students, an old british guy who had returned from palm springs early and wanted one more drink at the Old Kings Head, and the usual assortment of sexy ladies who threw themselves at me.

    i surpassed my goal, my arms didn’t hurt, i drove 200 miles, never had to fill up, and only took one bathroom break which happened to be in a freshly cleaned taco bell bathroom (so i purchased said burritos as a thank you).


    but the most interesting ride was a 10th grader named Bermuda who told me she snuck into the Budweiser Made in America concert on Sunday to see her favorite rapper, Kanye West. even though she lives in a pretty fancy house she thought the lineup was terrible and the thought of paying hundreds of dollars to see one act was ridic so she and her friends paid a guy $75 to illegally escort her past the security guard. apparently he had bribed a particular guard and walked people in all day.

    Bermuda said the only other time she had seen Kanye was at the Odd Future festival last year at the Sports Arena.

    i said, you were in 9th grade and you saw the Odd Future show? she was all, yeah. i said, should 9th grade girls be going to an Odd Future show alone? she giggled and said, noooooooo.

    i said, im turning off the meter right now because youre awesome.

    then she told me that the only annoying thing about school are the 6th graders who are into Tyler from Odd Future because it dimishes her love of him.

    hes a genius, like kanye, she said.

  9. Sunday, August 31, 2014

    picked up three at a fancy beverly hills hotel 

    kissingthe two female passengers wore thigh high lingerie and skirts and seemed very drowsy

    their handsome gentleman friend sat beside me and we headed for the sunset strip.

    were they movie stars or rock stars or friends of friends of the famous

    who knows, all i know is they probably needed a pick me up

    cake came on my phone

    short skirt, long sweater

    one of the ladies went, omg my dad listens to this.

    not sure if that was a compliment but kept rolling.

    finally one of them said how sleepy they were again so i said, how about i pull over to that drug store over there and bro can get you guys a mexicoke or something

    they agreed to a pink monster

    normally i dont really like waiting because you dont make very much money waiting, it’s almost like youre losing it.

    but friday was so slow i didnt care.

    in fact these ppl were funner than most everyone else all day

    it was taking dude forever to come back with the drinks

    so i said, hey can i take a picture of you for my uber instagram?

    one of them said, your ubergram?

    and i was all