nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, February 6, 2016

    most drivers dont enjoy doing Uber pools, but i make due 

    brazilians and brunchers

    what drivers dont like about pools is you dont get paid for the time there are two sets of people in your car.

    meanwhile you have to get to two different places, wait for each group, and then drop off two times.

    so basically double the work for half the rate.

    “smart” drivers will never accept an uber pool, but heres what i think.

    i think none of us are getting rich anyways, and some money is better than no money

    so if you decline certain rides or all rides in hopes for the great big payday

    that you psychically know is gonna happen, then thats you.

    me, im here to drive, lets drive and see what happens.

    today what happened was two very funny brentwood brunchers uber pooled to arena on main and on the way we picked up a brazilian mom daughter team going to the beach.

    i made $17, it took about 17 minutes

    and i woulda driven them for the rest of the day but

    i needed to get back to hollywood

    to pick up my xbi suit.

  2. Saturday, January 9, 2016

    today uber slashed their rates by 30% 

    sean penn and el chapo

    my car freaked out and broke something

    sean penn published his interview in rolling stone with el chapo

    and i partied with todd and sass in dtla

    full, crazy, weird, sad, and scary day

    im so pissed at uber i cant even begin to tell you

  3. Thursday, January 7, 2016

    sometimes you forget how fun it is to drive 

    rae sremmurd

    never forget.

    sometimes after a super profitable night, like new years, it’s hard to get back in the saddle and drive for normal rates.

    but then you get some sorority girls or a fascinating man

    or best of all the assistant to two of the hottest rappers to ever come out of Mississippi and you realize, oh yeah, this is why ive been doing it for so long: because of the people.

    picked up a nice girl, a white girl, in mid city who said we’re going to Burbank. after a short while it was revealed that we were going to a recording studio.

    eventually she clued me in to who she was and who she worked with: a duo of southern rappers who she grew up with called Rae Sremmurd. i told her that i was very old and didnt know who she was talking about.

    so i turned on my Spotify (RIP Rdio) and as we played the tracks i realized not only did i know one of their tunes, i knew about four of them. i became very excited and had lots of questions for her: where have they toured, what are they like, where will they play in LA, etc etc.

    she said i was the coolest 40-year shes ever met.

    i said flattery will get you everywhere.

    and even though the ride was a long one, it ended far too quickly. but now im def a fan.

  4. Friday, January 1, 2016

    lets start this year off with the truth: i dont know squat 

    uber surge

    i thought tonight was going to be dead. i thought all the new drivers were gonna drive and all of the passengers would be terrified of giant surge rates and this year would turn into what happened last year which was awfulness.

    but just the opposite happened. hardly any drivers drove because they all got burned last year. meanwhile the last few weeks with Uber have been pretty much surge-free. ALSO lyft has pretty much the same rates and if you drive 30+ hours with lyft, you get a bonus. uber has no bonus.

    therefore drivers who work both platforms stayed with lyft tonight. and straight up uber drivers either didnt work or made bank.

    and here lies a huge problem with uber that i hope they see: because they’re sooooo inconsistent they are the same as being untrustworthy. lyft is always consistent, thus on big nights like new years, drivers are going to drive for lyft.

    and because lyft does nice things like allows (and encourages) tipping, and has frequent driver bonuses, drivers drive for lyft. all night. and that causes a lack of supply on uber on a night of unprecedented demand.

    THERE WERE VERY FEW CARS ON THE ROADS IN LA TONIGHT. why? because we have become used to ride sharing and we are tired of paying $15 for parking, and we want to drink. thus anyone who was going out was taking uber or lyft.

    i was jetting around from the east side to the west side up to inglewood to usc to culver city, then out to venice to ring in the new year with ali and the roads were beautiful. only uber and lyft drivers pretty much, which also meant very few accidents or drunk drivers. we dont need no robot cars.

    did someone try to puke in my car? yes. someone actually did puke in it, but i had the barf bag ready and i whipped it to her and she used the bag and all was well. nerve-racking, but a huge success. here it is now 4:40am and i still cant believe what went down. no car accidents, no insanity, no puke, and i got home and jeanine had some indian food and i warmed it up and now imma pass out and sleep my first sleep of this year with the realization that every day is a new day. respect it for what it is: a blank slate.

  5. Thursday, December 17, 2015

    picked up the cutest lil blonde girl 

    jerseyshe said she wanted me to take her to this tanning salon up the way.

    she works there.

    i told her i know nothing about tanning salons. i asked her to please tell me everything there is to know.

    she said you can get spray tans starting at $30, but most really good ones can cost $70 which is why many people do an all-you-can tan membership of $100 a month.

    she told me that the thing that surprised her the most was how many normal looking DUDEs regularly get a tan. not body builders, not male models, not Vinny and the Situation, but just normal bros.

    speaking of the Situation, she said that on Halloween lots of people come in to get orange tans so they can rock the Jersey Shore Halloween costume.

    but heres the thing i wanted to tell her. she was beautiful. naturally beautiful. her skin was not tanned and that was perfectly ok. better than ok. she was exactly who youd think of if you thought California Girl.

    i wanted to tell her, what are you doing? you dont need to change one thing. you cannot improve. you have what all these other girls are trying to get and so many dudes want in their gf. but i didnt say nothing because who knows why she does it. and it’s none of my beeswax.

    so i told her shed see me in there soon. and she LOLed.

  6. Friday, December 11, 2015

    dear tony, but i dont want to tip my uber driver 

    when uber was fun

    Tony, I love you. But I really don’t support your request that people tip drivers. If the official policy is there is no tipping, I am not going to believe you if you say you pay taxes on that income like everyone else who makes tips. Of all the laws Uber wants to circumvent, you don’t want to pay taxes on tips either? When Uber changes its policy, I will tip well as I always do. Until then, no. What am I missing? – KB

    Dear KB,

    If your concern is people paying taxes on tips, do you question every other person you tip and wonder what they’re doing at H&R Block?

    Uber’s policy was “the tip is included” but after years of slashing fares it was obvious that on a $4 minimum ride there was no longer a tip included so Uber quietly changed its policy to “no tip is necessary.”

    tip your uber driverMeanwhile Uber has raised its commissions on drivers (in my case from 5% to 28%) and it’s own tip from passengers (hilariously called The Safe Riders Fee) from $0 to $1.80 per ride. Uber also raised its fee if two people want to Split The Fare from $0 to 50 cents on each of the passengers. AND they have now started to charge 50 cents more if you bring a friend with you in an Uber Pool.

    So Uber has figured out more and more creative ways to increase their revenue on rides while drivers’ income has dramatically declined.

    They have never explained why they don’t have a tip button on their app. Lyft implemented one and you’ve never heard passengers say that feature created a poor experience. If anything drivers prefer to drive for Lyft primarily because after a 20 ride day theyve earned enough in tips to fill up their tank of gas.

    But if you are waiting for Uber to change its tip policy – or any policy – into something beneficial for its drivers, you’ll be waiting a long long time. Uber, a company valued at several tens of billions of dollars, does not do things to help drivers. It only does things to help itself. Which is why when I use ridesharing I almost always use Lyft. Mostly because it’s easier to tip the hard working drivers who are using their own cars, paying their own gas, paying their own insurance, and being paid less today than they were a year ago to do the same exact job.

  7. Saturday, December 5, 2015

    had a beautiful persian princess in my car last night 

    persian princess

    she was sitting on the curb when i got to her.

    she was depressed. immediately she told me she was bummed.

    i said, well your luck has changed because you are in the greatest uber car of all.

    she said whats your name?

    i said fidel castro the third.

    i asked, water? she said, better music.

    so i switched from jazz over to Venus on Sirius which is like female R&B.

    she told me ppl in LA shady. i said they’re just very shy and cant even.

    she asked me my name i said i just told you, pauly shore.

    she was a little drunk. and a lot upset. coulda been on drugs too. who knows.

    i said what do you do. she said im a famous movie producer.

    i said do you read a lot of scripts. she said every day.

    i said ok tell me the one you passed on that made the most money.

    she said 50 Shades of Gray.

    at no point did she give me her address, she kept telling me to turn left here or turn right there.

    i asked, how long have you lived at your home?

    she said, too long.

    i said, and you havent memorized the address.

    she said, i thought you were gonna turn left here?

    i said thats a dead end, but the customers always right, and i slowed down to turn.

    she said, you know what i really need?

    i said, a delicious pie?

    she said, i shouldnt even ask.

    i said, TWO delicious pies?

    she said, a cigarrette.

    i said, oh i have no cigarettes in here. they’ll kill ya.

    she said, no, can i smoke in here?

    i said, id lose my job. ubes doesnt allow it.

    she said you’re all right, pauly. pull over here. let me smoke with you.

    so i pulled over and i said, i’ll drink this water instead.

    she opened her pack of smokes and as she was lighting it, the cigarette fell from her hand onto the street.

    she reached for another, so i picked up the cigarette and put it in a little stash box in my trunk.

    she said thats gross. i said, to you, and to me, but i may get a drunk, sad beautiful persian princess in here one day and she might say omg my kingdom for a Parliment and i’ll pull over, go in the trunk, and produce this very special nicotine delivery device. and she will say, you sir are the greatest uber driver in all of the land.

    and when she was done with her cigarette she asked if she could sit up front with me

    and i allowed it.

  8. Tuesday, December 1, 2015

    when you drive the rich to their homes in the palisades at night 

    planet terror

    and you overhear their conversations and the things that are important to them

    it makes you think, would i be any different if i was in their shoes?

    would i care about getting 5% more off new tenants than old tenants?

    would i care about the new jet that goes from miami to LA on the 7am flight.

    and how the old jet was better?

    last night i had the perfect odd couple. two neighbors who had been eating in the 90210.

    dudes. a little older than me in age but total dads. rich dads.

    the one was all about business and control. he questioned everything my GPS was suggesting.

    the other only wanted to talk about his kid in little league.

    i drove them to huge homes.

    christmas lights were all over the neighborhood already.

    really really nice ones.

    priorities are everything.

    im glad you’re mine.

    and by you, i mean freedom.

  9. Sunday, November 29, 2015

    someone asked me if i was a political junkie 

    ccr at the taco bell in slo

    im not a political junkie. im no a heroin junkie. im not a tv junkie.

    i like things in reasonable amounts.

    i like buffets because you dont have to deal with all of the nonsense. pay your money, sit down, walk over, fill your plate, get sick.


    for a while i was an uber junkie. i wanted to be driving at all times. it was crazy. i was crazy.

    its still in my head. if you ask me when we can hang out, i’ll say sundays because every other day i want to uber.

    this weekend i didnt wanna uber but i did anyways. the roads were empty but so were all of the hotels.

    no one wanted a ride and there were like triple the uber drivers in my regular spots than normal.

    so i drove home and reconsidered things i should be a junkie about.

    drive thrus


  10. Tuesday, November 24, 2015

    dear tony, i am an Uber driver in Las Vegas, how do i get rich? 

    sheri's brothel

    Dear Tony,

    I am a beautiful young female Uber driver living here in Las Vegas. I haven’t driven much for them but I am a regular reader of your blog and you probably have some good advice. What would you do if you drove here?

    Cubs in 2016!


    dear d’arcy,

    i have only been here two days and i’ve taken about 5 rides on both Uber and Lyft and talked to all of the drivers and they all tell me the same thing: most of their rides are about $10 or less because even if they get someone at the airport, the Strip is sooooo close, there’s no way they’re going to make any real money unless they do a gazillion rides.

    Uber is all about the long ride and if the majority of your trips are from one hotel to the other there’s no honest way that it’s going to do very much for you financially. also there seems to already be a Lot of cars out there.

    so i recommend working with the places that are at least an hour away from the strip, namely the Bunny Ranches.

    as you well know, prostitution is not legal in Vegas, but it is legal about an hour out. so i would recommend that you go to Moo.com and get yourself some business cards and drive out to Parhumph or whereever else there are such legal houses of repute and introduce yourself and drop off some cards.


    the saddest thing i heard about the Lamar Odom tragedy at that one Bunny Ranch where he nearly died was that he took a cab! does he think he’s made of money? he really shoulda taken an Uber. YOUR Uber.

    now i’ve met sad husbands, lonely businessmen and college virgins who, when they visit Vegas, take that long ride out to the middle of nowheres.

    if i was a vegas Uber driver id ask every group of guys or solo guys if they were going to partake. some might be to shy to tell me, but thats where the card comes in. id tell them if they did do it they really should text me to see if i could drive them there. AND if they did. AND if they allowed me to wait for them to take them back, i’d give them a little treat (figure out a nice gift, like a funny Vegas mug). and take them out there and bring a book and wait for them to finish and take them back. Boom TWO one-hour rides which is about $100 each way.

    i dont know about you, but id be way into making $200 in two and a half hours, AND getting to read a book for a half hour.

    is it dangerous? isn’t everything? is it legal? yep. do people take that trip every day and every night? yup. should you go into the place about 15 minutes after the passenger does? yes, say hi, drop off some more cards and say, “your customer Maury, i brought him here. help me bring more people here.” and they will.

    who knows, they might even set you up with driving some of the ladies who work there who fly into the airport and need a ride to work.

    Uber on!