nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, July 27, 2015

    took an Australian girl to the airport 


    eighteen, nineteen, who knows. she was impressed by everything i did and said.

    and the whole night was like that it seemed.

    i only like to do one or two long rides on weekend nights for a few reasons.

    mostly my hands and arms but as soon as i dropped her off i got another ping.

    then im driving across town to koreatown heading home and i get another

    this one was a traveling salesman from milwaukee. we hit it off too.

    micktalk talk talk.

    to the airport marriot. fine.

    then as im fixin to get on the 105 i get pinged again! what madness is this?

    monday night?!?!

    headed to inglewood. close to the forum. dark street.

    its a black girl and her aunt and her mom. big suitcases.

    big suitcases make me think they meant to get an Uber XL and not an Uber Plus.

    XLs are mini vans. perfect for luggage.

    well we put one of the suitcases in the passenger seat and the women squeeze in the back.

    as soon as we are in i say

    ok the most important question of the day: what sorta music would you like to hear?

    they laugh and say what i have on is fine.

    i hit go on the app and it says we’re going to LAX, no duh.

    so i say, ok are we going somewhere fun?

    almost in unison they say JAMACIA!

    so i say oh well lets hear some reggae mon!

    and we listen to reggae and talk about weed and sitting by a pool

    and soul food and jerk chicken

    and tacos

    when it was over they tipped me $5 and i turned off the app

    took the 105 to the 110 to the 101

    and sang bob marley all the way to hollywood.

  2. Sunday, July 26, 2015

    yesterday was the day, boy 


    all weekend really. friday i picked up two black lesbian dominatrixes from their nail appointment in beverly hills.

    we drove to south central and they told me about the femme-ey ones sugar daddy

    and how he likes to wear her panties because its been so close to privates.

    it was uber x and it was surging so i was making decent money and they wanted to stop off to get some money at a house

    then go to the smoke shop then go home. all the way we were listening to power 106

    talking about how we liked rihanna over beyonce, eminem over jay-z

    these were my people. i was their man. but they didnt need no man.

    only man they needed was the guy paying for the uber as we drove an hour across town.

    then i met a mexican director who i picked up at the riot house.

    he told me that leo dicaprio will win an oscar.

    not this, but next, antonio.

    downtown LA

    everything i tried worked. the music sounded good. my hands didnt get sore.

    i barely peed. and when i did i did it from an overpass in downtown.


    do you let people do coke in your car? the tougher looking black girl said.

    i said, i was put reflect freedom.

    she said, am i crazy to let my girl get with old rich white men?

    i said, we are nobody’s. we are everybody’s.

    uh huh!

    seriously, im 100% into this ride. i dont want to be with anyone else.

    but when we’re done, i’ll miss you, i’ll think about you and you.

    but whoever’s next i’m with them, one hundred.

    shouldnt i be?

    the snooty fox

    but then yesterday. oh man, yesterday.

    i liked to be out there at 8am on saturdays. airport runs. but i slept in. i was turrred.

    my body’s all confused from drinking then not drinking coke.

    i was on a strict one can a day diet. but then i read all this nonsense about

    just how bad it is to drink even one can of coke a week!

    so i got out there at 11am and i was rolling.

    i had only made $175 all week and i really wanted closer to $400 because i was about to buy my tickets to chicago in september

    and i wanted to fly Virgin and not Spirit.

    for some reason i decided to go downtown since i had such fun there on friday.

    soon as i get there i get a ping from a hotel and its a nice couple from santa fe springs

    who want to go to the Grove.

    they were having a cute staycation in the big city.

    they wanted to do all the things they never did when they were in college here.


    but the best ride was also the one where i got the lowest rating.

    some guy ordered a porn star hooker to come down to this beach resort an hour away

    she was wearing this see thru number, looked amazing.

    she texted the whole time and made a few phone calls. it was from them that i deduced her profession.

    we barely talked which is sad because i was super curious about her and i had picked up another porn star on her block about a year ago.

    do they own the whole block?

    pretty much the only thing we talked about in any depth was which way to go.

    waze was telling me to take La Cienega through Inglewood

    but the way she was dress, and the fact i knew the Phish show was about to let out, thus heavy traffic

    plus i knew the 10 to the 405 would be way faster, made me ask

    hey do you mind if i take the freeway?

    she said she didnt care.

    naturally when we approached the fancy resort she got a text from the dude who ordered her

    and me

    that i had “taken the long way”.

    after checking my last rides, sure enough, i got 7 5-star reviews, 1 4-star (you cant win em all), and 1 1-star

    i guess that was the guy who was mad that his smoking hot hooker pornstar

    cost him $118 just for the ride.

    and chose to take it out on my ratings.

    girls girls girls

    an hour from hollywood to rancho pv on a saturday night is “the long way”?

    it was Only an hour and i even pulled over at a gas station to buy her a pack of gum

    because she didnt have her ATM card on her.

    she had very little on her.

    after i dropped her off i figured what the heck maybe someone is trying to get out of this gorgeous sea side resort

    and boom, a mom, her son, and his girlfriend had just spent all day there at a wedding

    so we uber x’ed it a half hour away and i made another $10

    used that money on jack in the box and took the 110 back to DTLA for one more ride.

    got lucky by taking some sweet kids from the Nokia, sorry, the Microsoft Theatre to Sunset Junction

    aka right by my house.

    the Lord was looking out for me, thats for sure.

    and i ended the week with $450.

    so i bought the tickets.

  3. Friday, July 17, 2015

    are you tired of these uber stories yet? 

    poutine rufflestoo bad.

    yesterday i did two rides after work and hit my goal and went home.

    the first were this lovely couple in a rich part of town.

    because the gas prices are so high a lot of uber drivers arent driving and i dont blame them. it cost me $57 to fill up yesterday and i wasnt even on E when i got gas (i usually fill up at 1/4 E because of earthquakes).

    and because there are fewer ubers on the road it was surging. and when it surges, uber plus drivers take the bait and take uber x calls. i was almost one of those drivers when i got pinged by these nice rich people who had brought an expensive bottle of wine to enjoy with their meal.

    we got on the 10 and fought traffic to get to DTLA to a fancy restaurant. but first we had to traverse through skid row which was interesting to them, but not delightful. how could it be?

    it took 35 minutes to go 12 miles. not bad considering it was rush hour. Uber charged them $48, I got about $33, xtx.

    i like being downtown at 7-8pm because theres still business people down there. the surge was way over and i drove down 6th to figueroa and got nothing so i looked on my passenger app and saw there were no uber plus cars by the bonneventure hotel and boom there was a parking spot so i got in there, turned off the car and checked my email.

    before i was able to make it through all the fan mail i got beeped by a businessman at the standard.

    picked him up, he was going to the airport.

    as always i said, “is the jazz ok or would you like something else?”

    he was a very serious guy so i was a bit shocked when he said, “jazz sucks”.

    ahahaha i laughed. well youre the boss, i said, what would you like to hear.

    we listened to heavy metal and talked football.

    just shows to go ya, you can never assume anything in this world.

    dropped him off for his red eye, called jeanine to see what she was up to as i drove through south central back home. satisfied.

  4. Thursday, July 16, 2015

    i had a great day driving yesterday – what a relief 

    tumblr_misodrzJ451qbuwpuo1_500my work had a summer picnic, an anual affair, i even won a pair of expensive sunglasses at the raffle.

    filled up with bbq, ice cream, and pop i hit the road a little earlier than normal and the gods were with me

    almost every ride i took led to another ride.

    not super long ones, except one to LAX with someone who wouldnt reveal who they were, but he loved the jazz i was playing so that was nice.

    usually people will open up to me right away and i learn where they are from, what they do, their social security numbers, etc.

    others are either very very private or very involved with their phones and offer up little info.

    the latter are very rare. out of ten rides, eight will tell me everything. the number is higher with uber x.

    one young lady yesterday totally loved me and i loved her right back. infact if i wasnt on such a roll i would have gone hiking with her as she lived right next to runyon and had never gone there (!) she was new in town from NYC and ran into some bad luck with flakey roommates and flakier so-called bffs.

    she came here with her friends but then they bailed on her leaving her on her own in a city she knew little about.

    22. adorable. a few tattoos. i picked her up at whole foods – something most drivers would never do because it almost always guarantees a short ride back to their house to drop off their groceries. but i got lucky, she wanted to run a few errands and didnt have a car, so she ordered uber plus? a mercedes? what?

    one of the stops was to go to this deli because they had this special milk. i think it was persian milk. she had a little exotic flavor to her.

    sometimes strangers can just click and she and i clicked and even though she was a sorta femme fatale on one hand (no friends, no job, no schooling) she was also shopping at expensive places and buying weird things. anyways usually id offer my phone number, but im a million years old. ive had enough of the 22 year olds. no matter how smart they are.

    and funny.

    and pretty.

    enjoy LA on your own, just like i did. no one saved me. i came here alone. went to ucsb alone. ended up ok.

    you can too.

  5. Sunday, July 12, 2015

    and they say theres no chicks at comicon 

    charlie's wookies

    i took a day off from ubering yesterday. probably first saturday i didnt drive since forever.

    i did do one ride.

    i got up late, headed to beverly hills, picked up three girls in bikini tops,

    but they were just going to a friends pool party.

    minimum fare: $10.

    they wanted to use the Aux cord, which i dont have in my benzo. the ride couldnta been more than five minutes.

    you really cant just listen to the radio for five minutes?

    driving is an emotional thing. when it’s slow it’s depressing. when there are no surges: even worse.

    gas priceswhen it’s busy you’re motivated, you want to go all night. remember when i would go all night?

    now i just dick around in my little spots and if someone else is there i leave.

    it will take an hour to get a ride. i should just stay put for an hour but im impatient.

    i’ll walk around george michael park across from the beverly hills hotel and get my steps in.

    but sometimes its too hot and i’ll build up a little sweat, which isnt good for a driver, so i’ll stop.

    cant win!

    then somehow gas prices soared by a buck almost over night.

    obama how is this possible?

    how can they take forever to sink but if you blink they’re higher than they have been in years? all of them. at the same time?

    they all get their gas from exactly the same guy? OBAMA ISNT THIS COLLUSION?

    i love my benz but i miss my ford. that car sipped gas. it scoffed at stations. it had pick up. i could talk to it.

    it would remember the bands i liked and alert me if one of them was playing on a station i wasnt listening to.

    hell yeah it had an aux jack, and a spot for a memory card for even more music.

    but damn it got dirty easy. and it didnt look cool. and it would be very difficult these days to make $100 on a ride in that thing.

    tradeoffs. who needs em.

    ive been getting involved in internet sports gambling. way easier on the constitution.

  6. Sunday, July 5, 2015

    i had such a good night last night 

    venice on the fourth of july

    the morning was a fakeout so i got back, took a nap, and just held back resting my arms and hands.

    i have this great compression sleeve that sends blood to the arms from a distant galaxy.

    i wore a dress shirt so i could cover it.

    from looking at the trips i did last fourth of july i saw that it really didnt start surging until after 8:30pm and then it skyrocketed a few hours later.

    not being out there at 5pm was hard, 6:30p even harder, but it was still sunny out there and bad traffic near the beaches, so i played NBA Jam and trusted the imagined Bill James numbers which is: why be out there driving, burning gasoline, if the odds are very low that you will make good money. sit back. wait for your moment.

    internsand sure enough at 8:30pm it got above 2x for the first time in weeks. then at 10 it was 5x. even Uber Plus was 1.2x then 1.4, even 2x. double uber plus? yes please!

    and everyone was fine with the prices. no one griped. how could they? it was either use us or use cabs which were super busy too.

    i got a 1.4 uber plus ride from manhattan beach to culver and they were super nice. it was a joy. and $58 later they told me how great i was.

    uber, do not be ashamed of allowing surges when there is actually demand. (some think the company has been manipulating the surges, preventing them from happening. but who knows.)

    once in culver i didnt want to go back to the beach cities even though it was surging there. the reason it surges there is bc no one wants to go there. typically shorter rides because those people dont leave their bubbles. and the frat boy percentages skyrocket the closer you get to hermosa.

    i made my money there and was glad to be out. even when uber x was down to 2.0 i was all, im in venice, who knows maybe i’ll get some hipster who wants to get back to dtla.

    instead i got two cute young ladies in the marina wanting to go to another party across the canals of venice.

    strange fact: i’d never been across the canals of venice, california, but id been across the canals of venice, italy twice. once when i turned 21 an once a decade later.

  7. Friday, July 3, 2015

    one of the rules of uber is dont get your hopes up 

    chicagobecause they’ll be dashed.

    today i had very few rides but they were all good

    and then my hands started hurting

    then my arms.

    then it got hot.

    then my legs got tired.

    somehow i put in 100 miles.

    somehow i picked up a cross dresser in a poor part of town and drove her all the way to beverly hills.

    then i took four college girls, all under 21 to the beach, which was jam packed.

    they had never heard of pee-wee’s big adventure.

    why am i on this planet?

    yesterday i had a really long ride with two very cool people who lived in bel air

    we talked about music the whole time because they go to shows a lot

    they were probably in the music biz

    but when im driving uber plus i dont ask any personal questions like “what do you do”

    it never came up.

    they were on their way to see television.

    traffic was bad and we had to take a long way

    so it was $84.

    i got some tacos after that to celebrate.

    im gonna get some sleep tonight so that im ready for tomorrow

    but im not going to get my hopes up

    (secretly theyre as up as they could possibly get because last year fourth of july was the busiest ive ever been)

  8. Sunday, June 21, 2015

    yesterday i had a really good day driving the people around the world 

    kourtney and kendallit started early. on fridays my real job has half days in the summer, so i was able to put in six hours of ubering and still have a decent personal life.

    i went to bed before midnight which meant i was up at 6am on saturday.

    also the cats were scratching at the door and some asswipe had his car alarm blaring.

    as jesse jackson once said at ucsb “where there is oppression there is opportunity.”

    so i ate a muffin, showered, read the paper and was out of the house at 7am.

    the goal for ubering that early is airport trips. on uber plus the rides can be about $50 to LAX which is still cheaper than cabs, and the ppl get to cruise in a sweet ass benzo. the driver gets about $35 and everybody wins.

    i like it also because theres no traffic and not a ton of competition because all the other dudes are snoozing because they drove all friday night.

    also theres no pukers.

    usually i drive up the sunset strip to pacific palisades in hopes of catching some of the hotel guests but ive rarely gotten any of those, weirdly, so i went down santa monica heading west.

    around Hancock Park i got a ping from a big house. first comes a lady with some luggage and after a while her husband appears. he looks like a pro soccer player: dark skinned, incredible shape, tattoos on his arms. they had a range rover and a porsche in the driveway.

    they talked to each other, i barely said anything during the 20 minute ride, which is rare, but early morning if a couple wants to talk to themselves, fine, i’ll just listen to the jazz i normally play on plus rides.

    we get to the mouth of LAX the woman says “merde, the flight is delayed.”

    they debate whether they want to sit in the terminal for two hours. here, for sure, im keeping my mouth shut.

    “take us back home please,” the woman finally says.

    we get back to their house, i take the bags out of the car, i think about giving them an offer to drive them back to LAX in an hour for a discounted rate, but theres no such option in Uber

    plus i dont know where im gonna be. so we shook hands, i told them, “sometimes these delays are times for them to fix something important on the plane.”

    they smiled. and i did too when i saw the fare was over $100.

    i went to mcdonalds to eat an egg white delight meal. the cashier guy said, are you a Cubs fan?

    i said, yes, are you?

    he said, no but i really respect their youth movement.

    is this real life?

    as i ate i left the phone on in the rare case that i got a ping, and half way into the sandwich it beeped.

    former supermodel heading to the mexican rivera and then europe.

    so glad i didnt commit myself to the soccer star.

  9. Thursday, June 18, 2015

    E3 is in town, which means a lot of foreign people are here 

    donald trump and neil youngthe good news is they tip when they get Ubers.

    the bad news is they think it’s ok to say things like “my friend isnt here yet, would you mind waiting 5 minutes?”

    why, yes, yes i would.

    heres my question: what makes you think i have nothing better to do than wait for you and your friend to get it together?

    heres my other question: why cant you wait for him THEN summon me?

    confusing. it almost makes me think that some people are selfish with their time and yet think i should be totally generous with mine. do people really act that way?

    finally, heres something they dont tell you much when you move from Uber X to Uber Plus: your rating is going to go down.

    i think this is because some people dont realize when they order a Plus and then get sticker shock when the fare is 2.5x more than they expected.

    even though they just took a ride in a super clean Mercedes Benz with water, cool jazz, and the greatest driver ever.

    when it comes time to rate they give me a 1 or a 2 because theyre pissed at the price.

    this week im at an all time low of 4.1

    while driving all the drunk kids around a year ago on Uber X i’d average a 4.9 or 5.

    needless to say this has not been the best Uber week for me.

  10. Saturday, June 6, 2015

    picked up a big black dude yesterday 


    smelled of weed, had a sweet pad, showed me pics of all these women he’s “dating”

    he made me wait as he did a wire transfer and when people do that i always assume its a bank robbery

    not a bank robbery, instead we drove over to the wesssside

    went to my favorite hotel to powder my nose then as i was pulling out got pinged

    three nice canadians wanted to go to the airport

    third airport run of the day

    first was a lawyer from caa flying to seattle

    second was a 17 year old german lass who when i asked

    whats your favorite part of LA

    she said, everything.

    i said danke and she giggled.