nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, October 17, 2014

    fridays are 16 hour days 


    but for some reason i love them.

    i was born to work hard. and then play hard.

    usually i get tired around 2am on friday nights and 4am on saturdays.

    hopefully i can catch some good long rides before midnight so i dont have to try to hustle super hard from 1-3am.

    your dear girl is finally in rehab but her recklessness and my foolish trust has put me a little in the credit card hole

    which im sure i can get out of but its actually against the bible to have big credit debts so im a little uptight about that.

    even though it was for a good cause.

    but the best part about uber is i should have it all paid off before Christmas if i sock most of my earnings towards the bill.

    and then i can get something cool for myself, like an iPad

    or a Rolls.

    all i really want is some new jeans

    and for my momma to be happy.

  2. Monday, October 13, 2014

    gotta be careful with the drunks when you uber them 


    some will try to strangle you or play with your eyes or steal your cap

    some will barf in the barf bag you hand them when you see them in your rearview, and then they’ll spill the bag on the floor

    some will ask you how old you are and you say 14 and they’ll say nooooo so you say your real age and they’ll say NOOOOOO

    some will try to take you into their house and you’ll be all baby it’s Surging out there!

    some will make you wait forever as they do anything else except leave the club to get the Uber they asked for 20 minutes ago

    some will ask you to go through the drive thru after a wedding at the beverly hills country club and not even offer to get you two tacos for 99 cents

    some will refuse to give you the address or name of the restaurant theyre headed to instead insisting on giving you directions but then they’ll space out while texting and miss turns like crazy

    some will ask you how much money you make some will ask you to turn down the radio some will ask you to crank it.

    some will get in the car after youve cleaned it of vomit and say omg it smells like oranges in here!

    and you’ll say it does

    i mean yes IT DOES!

  3. Thursday, September 18, 2014

    i was a special guest star at a usc journalism class last night 


    mr Drew Tewksbury who ive read in several publications like the LA Weekly invited me to speak to his entertainment journalism class at the famous private school

    id spoken there before but every time i go i get nervous.

    the main theme i told them is: in modern journalism no one really knows what they’re doing.

    we went over a few of the latest scoops and they were all broken by non-traditional outlets, typically digital ones

    ray rice, jay-z and solange, and most importantly the NSA.

    i said newspapers dont know what to do with that type of news any more so people either approach outlets who will pay for the videos or the sources themselves choose to deal with bloggers turned journalists (like glen greenwald) who wont spike the story because it might upset the government (something the new york times has been known to do).

    i said the good news about all of this is there are big opportunities for young journalists to break news as long as you are excited to work for media outlets like Vice, Buzzfeed, Gawker, and LAist instead of struggling to get a spot at a newspaper or tv station.


    not sure if that information actually reached them, the kids tend to keep their eyes on their laptops

    and they smile and they nod but do they understand the words coming out of my mouth?

    who knows.

    i do know that the new annenberg center for journalism is beautiful and wired and wireless and even at 8pm

    there were a lot of kids in there studying or maybe they were escaping the heat?


    afterwards i ubered a kid over to LACMA then picked up a guy going to sushi then took a young lady across town

    then had donuts with amber and her friend

    then watched the first half of the fault in our stars.

    i have a weird life.

    today we are moving back to our academy office in beverly hills.

    it has been remodeled over the summer.


  4. Saturday, September 13, 2014

    protesting against the beverly hills hotel hurts these kids 


    drove a food server and two pool boys of the famous hotel california, probably the most beautiful hotel ive ever been in.

    they were going to a concert downtown.

    couldnta been funnier.

    i turned off the meter after a little while because it was such a joy to be with them.

    i asked if the hotel was being affected by the boycott they said lets talk about anything else.

    finally they said the owner that people are protesting owns lots of things, but mostly oil.

    they said, if you want to boycott something, stop driving your car.

    but the beverly hills hotel is less than 1% of his holdings,

    when you refuse to come the service employees are the ones who feel it the most.

    they totally turned my thinking around.

    and after i dropped them off i turned off my car and walked home.

  5. Tuesday, September 2, 2014

    did 20 rides yesterday in 10.5 hours 


    when i got home i unwrapped a 5 hour old taco bell burrito from my glove box,

    ate it, and passed out.

    can a 108 year old man sustain two jobs, two kittens, a smokin hot girlfriend, an ex-gf on the couch

    and blog regularily?

    according to danielle: no. she called me yesterday to tell me she hates when i blog about uber.

    she also told me that the blue car i gave her a few years ago finally bit the dust.

    “who cares about those people in your car? plus you look like a perv in those pictures!”


    not all of us were born with beautiful long blonde hair and runway model features.

    i simply talk to the people, try not to judge, and smile for the birdy.

    yesterday was labor day, it was supposed to be hella busy. it pretty much was.

    first guy i picked up was the worst (made me wait when i arrived, then made me stop at the 7-11 near his destination, all while wearing a pink polo shirt and pink shorts). gay prostitute? doubt it, gays are more fun.

    last couple i picked up were the best: nice long ride from marina del rey to LAX where a bag was delayed and they had to retrieve it, back to hollywood near my house. bonus: their cute dog was a silent bit of joy.

    along the way there were frat boys, international students, an old british guy who had returned from palm springs early and wanted one more drink at the Old Kings Head, and the usual assortment of sexy ladies who threw themselves at me.

    i surpassed my goal, my arms didn’t hurt, i drove 200 miles, never had to fill up, and only took one bathroom break which happened to be in a freshly cleaned taco bell bathroom (so i purchased said burritos as a thank you).


    but the most interesting ride was a 10th grader named Bermuda who told me she snuck into the Budweiser Made in America concert on Sunday to see her favorite rapper, Kanye West. even though she lives in a pretty fancy house she thought the lineup was terrible and the thought of paying hundreds of dollars to see one act was ridic so she and her friends paid a guy $75 to illegally escort her past the security guard. apparently he had bribed a particular guard and walked people in all day.

    Bermuda said the only other time she had seen Kanye was at the Odd Future festival last year at the Sports Arena.

    i said, you were in 9th grade and you saw the Odd Future show? she was all, yeah. i said, should 9th grade girls be going to an Odd Future show alone? she giggled and said, noooooooo.

    i said, im turning off the meter right now because youre awesome.

    then she told me that the only annoying thing about school are the 6th graders who are into Tyler from Odd Future because it dimishes her love of him.

    hes a genius, like kanye, she said.

  6. Sunday, August 31, 2014

    picked up three at a fancy beverly hills hotel 

    kissingthe two female passengers wore thigh high lingerie and skirts and seemed very drowsy

    their handsome gentleman friend sat beside me and we headed for the sunset strip.

    were they movie stars or rock stars or friends of friends of the famous

    who knows, all i know is they probably needed a pick me up

    cake came on my phone

    short skirt, long sweater

    one of the ladies went, omg my dad listens to this.

    not sure if that was a compliment but kept rolling.

    finally one of them said how sleepy they were again so i said, how about i pull over to that drug store over there and bro can get you guys a mexicoke or something

    they agreed to a pink monster

    normally i dont really like waiting because you dont make very much money waiting, it’s almost like youre losing it.

    but friday was so slow i didnt care.

    in fact these ppl were funner than most everyone else all day

    it was taking dude forever to come back with the drinks

    so i said, hey can i take a picture of you for my uber instagram?

    one of them said, your ubergram?

    and i was all


  7. Monday, August 25, 2014

    ubers theory was if they lowered the prices far down enough 

    heading to fyfest

    then everyone and their mama would start taking uber everywhere

    and in exchange for cheaper rides, the drivers would have more rides.

    the drivers didnt trust this and were angry and bitter because they thought the volume was plenty and the prices were about half that of a cab, so why change anything?

    something happened saturday and i was busy like allllll day and night.

    i mostly stayed on the westside and even made my way to nobu in malibu

    and the pacific palisades three times, which is odd because im hardly ever there.

    once was to take this sweet british family from moonshadows to an italian joint on sunset

    the second time was to take a pair of latino au peres (argentinian and columbian) back home from Urban Outfitters at Santa Monica Place

    one of them was 17 and had just bought her first record player

    i asked her what record(s) did she get and she said Katy Perrys Prism

    but “im an old soul so i will be getting some Frank Sinatra soon.”

    i told her to check out the Record Surplus store in West LA.

    we drove up to the very top of one of the windy roads where the houses just get bigger

    must be celebs or something, who knows.

    third time was round midnight. i was tired and was considering going home.

    10622122_10152631084668057_463925923_ni was on sunset in the palisades and had just thrown out a bunch of plastic bottles at a gas station when i got beeped like two blocks away.

    pretty caterer girl got in and said Redondo Beach

    what a way to end the night i thought, a loooong ride way down to the beach.

    we drove down the hill to PCH, took that to the 10, then south on the 405 and off at Inglewood

    listening to the beast boys’ solid gold hits all the way because she liked that i was playing paul revere when she got in.

    the day was filled with mostly super sweet people including a semi drunk couple and their friends who had spent all day together and the dude had had enough.

    as we dropped off the friends the friends kept inviting them to polish off a bottle of wine or watch netflix but the pair claimed exhaustion and said bye felicia.

    our conversations were immediately dirty, frank, and funny. weird how things can escalate quickly like that.

    after we dropped off everyone they invited me in to their backyard to drink whiskey and sing songs.

    “our neighbors will hate us,” the young lady said, “they have babies.”

    “babies ruin everything,” i said.

    “we were just saying that!” bro agreed.

    when we got to their really nice little house they asked me again and i said whiskey and ubering dont really mix.

    but it was nice to have that little insta bond.

    two yuppies on separate rides were pissed the whole time and there was nothing i could do.

    and then there was the hot russian woman who had just finished a bad blind date.

    “at least i had a free meal and now have some leftvoers for my daughter,” she said.

    although she may have said “for my dogs”. her accent was thick.

    but the most interesting ride was one with a beautiful Gaucho who worked at the Daily Nexus covering sports and is now in school to be a nurse or a doctors assistant or a surgeon, who knows, we mostly talked sports and how much we miss del playa.

    my arms felt good the whole day. one woman smelled like blueberry perfume.

    and one guy snorted cocaine as his friends berated him and apologized to me.

    probably shoulda made a citizens arrest but like i said, it was busy.

  8. Saturday, August 23, 2014

    who you trying to get crazy with, esse? dont you know im loco? 


    the best part about uber is the money. it just rolls in.
    the second best part are the women. sometimes they just grab the back of your head
    whip it around and make you make out with them.
    and since the customers always right,
    and since it’s important to have as close to a 5 star rating as possible

    but the third best is you get to meet people who are new to LA
    like these three youngsters from india going to grad school at USC.

    whattya studying over there? i asked em.
    engineering! they said.

    so i was all, ok heres what i need. i need an iphone app that tells me when people are lying to me.
    i also need an app that tells me if the girl im talking to loves me
    or just lusts me.
    the boys laughed and said.
    humans can determine if someone is lying, but machines cant.

    i said, fine, then what i need is a jet pack that runs on apple sauce.

    for some reason they said that was impossible too.

    and i said, gents when i was your age

    we didnt even have the innernet.

    i’ll be ready with my applesauce soon.


    then got this guy at ucla who has been in the country a month
    so he could be in a full immersion of english. which i could use one day too.

    he complained that our portions were giant and restaurants dont take care in preparing cooked vegetables.

    therefore the only place he enjoyed eating at was Subway because he could get a six inch sub with
    Switzerland Cheese.

    he was impressed with the varieties of cheeses we have at Subway. over by his house theres only one kind and they give you three tiny little triangles of it.

    he told me that everyone in Thailand carrys umbrellas: men women children.

    because in the summer the sun is super sweltering hot and when its not sunny its raining like a bitch. actually he said raining very hard. i said yeah raining like a b.

    i wanted to complete his immersion.

    he also said our version of chinese food was either way too sweet or way to salty.

    i played motorhead for him and said next time he comes back to LA he needs to meet lemmy


    these kids talked about invisiline, retainers, and korean food.
    they were headed to Pot
    i was all oh over at the Line
    they were a little surprised i had not only heard of it but been there.
    i was all, come on Roy Choi is my Boy!
    (not true)
    they were like then what did you get there.
    i said i got a Dang, Son!
    then we took a picture



    amber was all have you heard the new cypress hill greatest hits

    i was like say what

    she was all totally: all the hits

    she asked me how my day was going.

    no xbi agent ever wants to answer that question because

    the morning is never good.

    and thats part of the day.

    which is why i like to say

    bring on the night



    super hot girl in a dodger cap and her boyfriend flagged me down east of west adams in a part of town that wasnt surging

    when everywhere was surging.

    but i picked them up because i had just had a long fun ride so why not.

    they told me they had just received an uber ride from a lady in a new mercedes in santa monica and

    half way to dodger stadium the woman huffed and said, i need to get to a dinner, imma let you off here.

    he sat up front with me and she sat in the back where i could keep an eye on her.


    his work had gotten him tickets in a suite and a parking pass

    so i just waved the pass at the parking dude and instead of dropping them off at the bottom of chavez ravine

    we drove right up to the door and i drove out



    and thats just some of the things that happened

    on this very very very

    fun and trippy night.

  9. Saturday, August 16, 2014

    today is charles bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 


    last night i drove an 18 yr old kuwaiti kid from marina del rey to newport beach.

    hundred bucks.

    he sat in the front seat and told me about how in kuwait they’ll throw you in jail for life for having a beer

    if a girl dates a guy and they break up and dont get married then shes shunned forever

    that the worse thing you could do to you or your family is say youre an atheist.

    88 minute drive and the whole way was nonstop about the persian gulf, religion and politics as wiz kalifa bumped in the background.

    traffic was light, he had just been to six flags with his buddy, he wants to study engineering out here for college but it’s very hard he says for international students to get into a UC unless they have a 4.0 average.

    so, just like i did, he is going to take two years of junior college and transfer in that way.

    he says he loves LA, was not impressed by San Diego, was too young for Vegas, but thinks Dubai is the coolest place in the world.

    no offense sir, but their taxis are Bentleys.

    i dropped him off at a swanky hotel near fashion island and watched as cars unloaded with the most amazing young women in outfits i had not seen in hollywood.

    and i was, salaam alaikum, g

    and he was like alaikum salaam

  10. Friday, August 15, 2014

    Uber must include Tips in the App NOW 


    A while back when Uber started they incorporated something called “Tips Are Included”, which is cute and plausible back before the ridesharing company started slashing prices and raising their commissions.

    A year ago a ride from Hollywood to LAX in a taxi would typically cost about $70 and that same ride via Uber would cost about $50. The Uber ride would be in a cleaner car, a bottle of water would be available, charging devices would be there for your dying iPhone, and thanks to the Uber App after the ride was over the fare would be instantly deducted from the passengers’ credit card.

    Thus the ride to the airport was cheaper and “better” via Uber and the company could say the tip was included.

    A year later that same ride cost a mere $30 with Uber and in a few weeks it will cost even less. The company claims the price cuts will encourage more passengers to use the service which will give the drivers more rides and thus make everyone more money. But the truth is a driver can only make so many trips in an hour – and will more than likely make less money during those hours than they would have a year ago, even if there are more passengers.

    Why? Because It still takes time to get to the passenger and time waiting for them to get to the car and then time for the ride to be completed. Meanwhile Uber is smiling like a pig in [mud] because they are making the same (or more) commission than they did on each ride a year ago, they are now charging the drivers for use of the phone used to connect them to passengers, and other nickels and dimes end up in their pockets and not in the drivers.

    The tips are included. But they are all tips going to Uber, not the drivers.

    Now that the typical ride from Hollywood to LAX is considerably less, it’s time to stop pretending that the driver has this magical tip baked into the fare, because they don’t. Plus, by definition a tip is something the customer determines AFTER the service has been rendered. The cashless Uber model is ideal, and thus should be implemented into the Uber App so that if a passenger experiences a pleasant, clean, fast, enjoyable $27 ride from Hollywood to LAX during rush hour traffic and wants to flow their driver $5 they should be able to do it with a click of a button.

    But Uber has not allowed this.

    One can only imagine it is because there is no immediate business incentive for them to do it.

    But that is short sided. For if they can advertise that they have the lowest rates AND if they can attract and retain educated, intelligent, drivers BECAUSE at the end of the day the drivers are being rewarded financially, then the fleet of Uber drivers will maintain the level of quality it now sees.

    Once the profit motive leaves the driver ranks and the only people who can afford to drive relatively new cars around cities are those willing to work for close to minimum wage, the quality will drop and Uber will have shot themselves in the foot with greed.

    Now is the time to implement tipping while the quality of drivers is still here and the prices are substantially lower than taxis: who also get tipped.