busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, September 2, 2014

    did 20 rides yesterday in 10.5 hours 

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    when i got home i unwrapped a 5 hour old taco bell burrito from my glove box,

    ate it, and passed out.

    can a 108 year old man sustain two jobs, two kittens, a smokin hot girlfriend, an ex-gf on the couch

    and blog regularily?

    according to danielle: no. she called me yesterday to tell me she hates when i blog about uber.

    she also told me that the blue car i gave her a few years ago finally bit the dust.

    “who cares about those people in your car? plus you look like a perv in those pictures!”

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    not all of us were born with beautiful long blonde hair and runway model features.

    i simply talk to the people, try not to judge, and smile for the birdy.

    yesterday was labor day, it was supposed to be hella busy. it pretty much was.

    first guy i picked up was the worst (made me wait when i arrived, then made me stop at the 7-11 near his destination, all while wearing a pink polo shirt and pink shorts). gay prostitute? doubt it, gays are more fun.

    last couple i picked up were the best: nice long ride from marina del rey to LAX where a bag was delayed and they had to retrieve it, back to hollywood near my house. bonus: their cute dog was a silent bit of joy.

    along the way there were frat boys, international students, an old british guy who had returned from palm springs early and wanted one more drink at the Old Kings Head, and the usual assortment of sexy ladies who threw themselves at me.

    i surpassed my goal, my arms didn’t hurt, i drove 200 miles, never had to fill up, and only took one bathroom break which happened to be in a freshly cleaned taco bell bathroom (so i purchased said burritos as a thank you).

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    but the most interesting ride was a 10th grader named Bermuda who told me she snuck into the Budweiser Made in America concert on Sunday to see her favorite rapper, Kanye West. even though she lives in a pretty fancy house she thought the lineup was terrible and the thought of paying hundreds of dollars to see one act was ridic so she and her friends paid a guy $75 to illegally escort her past the security guard. apparently he had bribed a particular guard and walked people in all day.

    Bermuda said the only other time she had seen Kanye was at the Odd Future festival last year at the Sports Arena.

    i said, you were in 9th grade and you saw the Odd Future show? she was all, yeah. i said, should 9th grade girls be going to an Odd Future show alone? she giggled and said, noooooooo.

    i said, im turning off the meter right now because youre awesome.

    then she told me that the only annoying thing about school are the 6th graders who are into Tyler from Odd Future because it dimishes her love of him.

    hes a genius, like kanye, she said.

  2. Sunday, August 31, 2014

    picked up three at a fancy beverly hills hotel 

    kissingthe two female passengers wore thigh high lingerie and skirts and seemed very drowsy

    their handsome gentleman friend sat beside me and we headed for the sunset strip.

    were they movie stars or rock stars or friends of friends of the famous

    who knows, all i know is they probably needed a pick me up

    cake came on my phone

    short skirt, long sweater

    one of the ladies went, omg my dad listens to this.

    not sure if that was a compliment but kept rolling.

    finally one of them said how sleepy they were again so i said, how about i pull over to that drug store over there and bro can get you guys a mexicoke or something

    they agreed to a pink monster

    normally i dont really like waiting because you dont make very much money waiting, it’s almost like youre losing it.

    but friday was so slow i didnt care.

    in fact these ppl were funner than most everyone else all day

    it was taking dude forever to come back with the drinks

    so i said, hey can i take a picture of you for my uber instagram?

    one of them said, your ubergram?

    and i was all

    click

  3. Monday, August 25, 2014

    ubers theory was if they lowered the prices far down enough 

    heading to fyfest

    then everyone and their mama would start taking uber everywhere

    and in exchange for cheaper rides, the drivers would have more rides.

    the drivers didnt trust this and were angry and bitter because they thought the volume was plenty and the prices were about half that of a cab, so why change anything?

    something happened saturday and i was busy like allllll day and night.

    i mostly stayed on the westside and even made my way to nobu in malibu

    and the pacific palisades three times, which is odd because im hardly ever there.

    once was to take this sweet british family from moonshadows to an italian joint on sunset

    the second time was to take a pair of latino au peres (argentinian and columbian) back home from Urban Outfitters at Santa Monica Place

    one of them was 17 and had just bought her first record player

    i asked her what record(s) did she get and she said Katy Perrys Prism

    but “im an old soul so i will be getting some Frank Sinatra soon.”

    i told her to check out the Record Surplus store in West LA.

    we drove up to the very top of one of the windy roads where the houses just get bigger

    must be celebs or something, who knows.

    third time was round midnight. i was tired and was considering going home.

    10622122_10152631084668057_463925923_ni was on sunset in the palisades and had just thrown out a bunch of plastic bottles at a gas station when i got beeped like two blocks away.

    pretty caterer girl got in and said Redondo Beach

    what a way to end the night i thought, a loooong ride way down to the beach.

    we drove down the hill to PCH, took that to the 10, then south on the 405 and off at Inglewood

    listening to the beast boys’ solid gold hits all the way because she liked that i was playing paul revere when she got in.

    the day was filled with mostly super sweet people including a semi drunk couple and their friends who had spent all day together and the dude had had enough.

    as we dropped off the friends the friends kept inviting them to polish off a bottle of wine or watch netflix but the pair claimed exhaustion and said bye felicia.

    our conversations were immediately dirty, frank, and funny. weird how things can escalate quickly like that.

    after we dropped off everyone they invited me in to their backyard to drink whiskey and sing songs.

    “our neighbors will hate us,” the young lady said, “they have babies.”

    “babies ruin everything,” i said.

    “we were just saying that!” bro agreed.

    when we got to their really nice little house they asked me again and i said whiskey and ubering dont really mix.

    but it was nice to have that little insta bond.

    two yuppies on separate rides were pissed the whole time and there was nothing i could do.

    and then there was the hot russian woman who had just finished a bad blind date.

    “at least i had a free meal and now have some leftvoers for my daughter,” she said.

    although she may have said “for my dogs”. her accent was thick.

    but the most interesting ride was one with a beautiful Gaucho who worked at the Daily Nexus covering sports and is now in school to be a nurse or a doctors assistant or a surgeon, who knows, we mostly talked sports and how much we miss del playa.

    my arms felt good the whole day. one woman smelled like blueberry perfume.

    and one guy snorted cocaine as his friends berated him and apologized to me.

    probably shoulda made a citizens arrest but like i said, it was busy.

  4. Saturday, August 23, 2014

    who you trying to get crazy with, esse? dont you know im loco? 

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    the best part about uber is the money. it just rolls in.
    the second best part are the women. sometimes they just grab the back of your head
    whip it around and make you make out with them.
    and since the customers always right,
    and since it’s important to have as close to a 5 star rating as possible

    but the third best is you get to meet people who are new to LA
    like these three youngsters from india going to grad school at USC.

    whattya studying over there? i asked em.
    engineering! they said.

    so i was all, ok heres what i need. i need an iphone app that tells me when people are lying to me.
    i also need an app that tells me if the girl im talking to loves me
    or just lusts me.
    the boys laughed and said.
    humans can determine if someone is lying, but machines cant.

    i said, fine, then what i need is a jet pack that runs on apple sauce.

    for some reason they said that was impossible too.

    and i said, gents when i was your age

    we didnt even have the innernet.

    i’ll be ready with my applesauce soon.

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    then got this guy at ucla who has been in the country a month
    so he could be in a full immersion of english. which i could use one day too.

    he complained that our portions were giant and restaurants dont take care in preparing cooked vegetables.

    therefore the only place he enjoyed eating at was Subway because he could get a six inch sub with
    Switzerland Cheese.

    he was impressed with the varieties of cheeses we have at Subway. over by his house theres only one kind and they give you three tiny little triangles of it.

    he told me that everyone in Thailand carrys umbrellas: men women children.

    because in the summer the sun is super sweltering hot and when its not sunny its raining like a bitch. actually he said raining very hard. i said yeah raining like a b.

    i wanted to complete his immersion.

    he also said our version of chinese food was either way too sweet or way to salty.

    i played motorhead for him and said next time he comes back to LA he needs to meet lemmy

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    these kids talked about invisiline, retainers, and korean food.
    they were headed to Pot
    i was all oh over at the Line
    they were a little surprised i had not only heard of it but been there.
    i was all, come on Roy Choi is my Boy!
    (not true)
    they were like then what did you get there.
    i said i got a Dang, Son!
    then we took a picture

    amber

     

    amber was all have you heard the new cypress hill greatest hits

    i was like say what

    she was all totally: all the hits

    she asked me how my day was going.

    no xbi agent ever wants to answer that question because

    the morning is never good.

    and thats part of the day.

    which is why i like to say

    bring on the night

     

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    super hot girl in a dodger cap and her boyfriend flagged me down east of west adams in a part of town that wasnt surging

    when everywhere was surging.

    but i picked them up because i had just had a long fun ride so why not.

    they told me they had just received an uber ride from a lady in a new mercedes in santa monica and

    half way to dodger stadium the woman huffed and said, i need to get to a dinner, imma let you off here.

    he sat up front with me and she sat in the back where i could keep an eye on her.

    kidding.

    his work had gotten him tickets in a suite and a parking pass

    so i just waved the pass at the parking dude and instead of dropping them off at the bottom of chavez ravine

    we drove right up to the door and i drove out

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    and thats just some of the things that happened

    on this very very very

    fun and trippy night.

  5. Saturday, August 16, 2014

    today is charles bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 

    madonna

    last night i drove an 18 yr old kuwaiti kid from marina del rey to newport beach.

    hundred bucks.

    he sat in the front seat and told me about how in kuwait they’ll throw you in jail for life for having a beer

    if a girl dates a guy and they break up and dont get married then shes shunned forever

    that the worse thing you could do to you or your family is say youre an atheist.

    88 minute drive and the whole way was nonstop about the persian gulf, religion and politics as wiz kalifa bumped in the background.

    traffic was light, he had just been to six flags with his buddy, he wants to study engineering out here for college but it’s very hard he says for international students to get into a UC unless they have a 4.0 average.

    so, just like i did, he is going to take two years of junior college and transfer in that way.

    he says he loves LA, was not impressed by San Diego, was too young for Vegas, but thinks Dubai is the coolest place in the world.

    no offense sir, but their taxis are Bentleys.

    i dropped him off at a swanky hotel near fashion island and watched as cars unloaded with the most amazing young women in outfits i had not seen in hollywood.

    and i was, salaam alaikum, g

    and he was like alaikum salaam

  6. Friday, August 15, 2014

    Uber must include Tips in the App NOW 

    riders

    A while back when Uber started they incorporated something called “Tips Are Included”, which is cute and plausible back before the ridesharing company started slashing prices and raising their commissions.

    A year ago a ride from Hollywood to LAX in a taxi would typically cost about $70 and that same ride via Uber would cost about $50. The Uber ride would be in a cleaner car, a bottle of water would be available, charging devices would be there for your dying iPhone, and thanks to the Uber App after the ride was over the fare would be instantly deducted from the passengers’ credit card.

    Thus the ride to the airport was cheaper and “better” via Uber and the company could say the tip was included.

    A year later that same ride cost a mere $30 with Uber and in a few weeks it will cost even less. The company claims the price cuts will encourage more passengers to use the service which will give the drivers more rides and thus make everyone more money. But the truth is a driver can only make so many trips in an hour – and will more than likely make less money during those hours than they would have a year ago, even if there are more passengers.

    Why? Because It still takes time to get to the passenger and time waiting for them to get to the car and then time for the ride to be completed. Meanwhile Uber is smiling like a pig in [mud] because they are making the same (or more) commission than they did on each ride a year ago, they are now charging the drivers for use of the phone used to connect them to passengers, and other nickels and dimes end up in their pockets and not in the drivers.

    The tips are included. But they are all tips going to Uber, not the drivers.

    Now that the typical ride from Hollywood to LAX is considerably less, it’s time to stop pretending that the driver has this magical tip baked into the fare, because they don’t. Plus, by definition a tip is something the customer determines AFTER the service has been rendered. The cashless Uber model is ideal, and thus should be implemented into the Uber App so that if a passenger experiences a pleasant, clean, fast, enjoyable $27 ride from Hollywood to LAX during rush hour traffic and wants to flow their driver $5 they should be able to do it with a click of a button.

    But Uber has not allowed this.

    One can only imagine it is because there is no immediate business incentive for them to do it.

    But that is short sided. For if they can advertise that they have the lowest rates AND if they can attract and retain educated, intelligent, drivers BECAUSE at the end of the day the drivers are being rewarded financially, then the fleet of Uber drivers will maintain the level of quality it now sees.

    Once the profit motive leaves the driver ranks and the only people who can afford to drive relatively new cars around cities are those willing to work for close to minimum wage, the quality will drop and Uber will have shot themselves in the foot with greed.

    Now is the time to implement tipping while the quality of drivers is still here and the prices are substantially lower than taxis: who also get tipped.

  7. Sunday, August 10, 2014

    do you have any questions for me? 

    biggiepicked up a smoking hot black woman about three blocks from skid row tonight.

    i was summoned by someone claiming to be his brother. but i have a feeling she was a high class hooker and she was done for the night and part of her deal was they have to call an uber to drive her home.

    she was a little sad. emotionally. as we drove she asked me a lot of questions and finally she said, do you have any question for me?

    are you a man? are you a hooker? do you find the back of my head sexy? will the cubs really win it all in just two years after the rest of the kids develop in the minors? what the hell happened to obama? should i see boyhood or galaxy of the guardians tomorrow? will i ever be loved for my heart instead of all the time my abs and quads? will bey and jigga settle their problems? unemployments down the stock markets up gas prices are dropping: what does a president have to do to get a little credit?

    but all i asked was what she did for a living. i do makeup for a high end brand.

    she asked me what my wildest ride was. i didnt have a good answer.

    she asked me if i had kids. i said i have the best kids: a niece and a nephew who i dont have to take to band practice in the morning.

    she told me it was her birthday. she told me that not all women dress for women, some dress for men. she told me she only had one drink all night. she asked if i like to party. i said ive had my share of that, which is why i drive on weekends.

    we drove through hollywood and we talked about prince while listening to biggie, nicki, and then 2pac.

    you like prince she asked like a phone sex worker would say to keep the conversation going.

    of course i like prince? even racists love prince. thats like saying do you like the perfect weather we’ve been having these last 46 months.

    so i told her i like prince so much i named the two kittens prince and michael.

    as we got closer to her apartment she didnt really know where it was.

    exsqueeze me?

    suddenly i had questions but she said, “you have made this ride so nice. thank you tony.”

    and i looked back and somehow she was even prettier.

    even if i didnt know i shoulda just said, i know what youre doing and i just wanna tell you it’s gonna be ok.

  8. Thursday, August 7, 2014

    ubering is like fishing except you dont come home stinky 

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    hadnt ubered since friday night and i missed it. picked up a lady from a fancy house that i swore id picked someone up at before, but it wasnt this lady.

    at first i thought, maybe the man of the house is cheating on his wife and the first one i picked up was his mistress and this was the wife?

    this woman was demanding but in a fun way. “you’ll have to turn that off,” she said mentioning the katy perry music i had put on before i arrived. “i have a book on tape i’d like to hear if you can be quiet.”

    typically i might be offended by that sort of request but for some reason when im ubering i’m 1,000% the customer is always right. so not only did i turn off the teen dream but i handed the woman my aux jack cord so she could hear the book through the car speakers.

    “god i love uber,” she said. then rattled off all the reasons she is a fan.

    the only thing she wasnt crazy about was the surge prices which i said, well if you can just wait a few minutes when theyre happening they usually go away.

    in no time we were at her destination and she never ended up playing her book.

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    got beeped to go to a nice hotel in weho, picked up a gentleman and the first thing i asked was what sort of music should we listen to? he saw katy perry’s name on the screen and said, “got anything else?”

    i flipped through the Sirius stereo dial and said, how about some classic rock? Fairport Convention popped up and i didn’t think he would be interested and instead he was all, sure!

    i said, wow, most people don’t appreciate Richard Thompson.

    we start talking and of course the passenger is a famous canadian music radio host so the conversation moves over to Matthew Good, naturally. and i miss the turn to his stop, so i turn off the meter, sorry metre, drive around the block and ask to take his picture.

    reluctantly he gives me the thumbs up and i think to myself, it’s not gonna get any better than that tonight.

    and yep, it didnt.

  9. Thursday, July 24, 2014

    because Obama is in town some of the roads are blocked 

    dolores del rio

    the whiners whine about it which is boring and predictable but the rest of us use Waze and manage just fine.

    it was hot yesterday and will get hotter today because it’s the summer, the season we’ve waited for

    and the whiners whine about it which is boring and unpredictable because omg its summer whattya want

    which is to say fewer uber drivers were out there yesterday because who wants to be out there in the heat

    and the traffic and the road closures and etc: the answer is i do.

    because when there are fewer drivers there are more chances that you’ll get beeped

    as soon as you drop off your passenger, which is the goal of five star customer service.

    for some reason i agreed to something impossible yesterday at my real job because

    at the root of five star customer service is this phrase: yes. of course.

    i may need to renegotiate later today but i would like to see how close i can get to the crazy goal.

    why? because we who are Cubs fans appreciate it when someone says, yes we can do this.

    even if all signs point to: are you crazy fool?

    accidentally called these beautiful Dominican girls Black yesterday.

    they were all, you hear us speaking Spanish don’t you!

  10. Wednesday, July 23, 2014

    every now and then a beautiful young lady with enormous fake 

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    will come into my uber, sit in the front seat and either take pictures the whole time

    or touch up some intricate and fascinating make up design while yapping it up with me.

    today her name was melody and she was a welcome relief because the previous passengers

    well, they werent my cup of tea lets say

    melody somehow picked up on that while she worked the pencil

    i bet you get a lot of jerks in here, huh?

    we were at a stop light. i said, all of my passengers

    are the most wonderful gentlemen and ladies

    and then turned to her when she laughed.

    you could probably write a book, she said, focusing into the compact mirror.

    i could but one should probably just work super hard to be great at their job.

    well youre doing that, arent you?

    part of the job is getting people where they wanna go, true, but part is doing it in a safe environment

    she was all, yeah, i guess so.

    and i said, i mean this isnt the nsa or nothin