nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, March 28, 2015
  2. Thursday, March 26, 2015

    had a bad night last night 


    screwed up and picked up a Plus customer after work on Pico. huge mistake that i wont make again.

    he was a high roller lawyer who had me drive him through some of the dumbest traffic (dumb because if he had just told me where he wanted to go instead of keeping it a secret I would have taken a faster route) to go to a liquor store.

    then he had me wait for him as he looked through every row. the booze he was looking for wasnt there. he wanted something specific and fancy.

    he didnt talk to me. he talked to a wide assortment of people on the phone. from the conversation i gathered where he wanted me to take him. so i drove there.

    $30 later he was gone but i was far from the fishing hole that i love at that hour so i slowly made my way there and when i did the fish were all gone.

    except for two guys who wanted to go to the nearest hotel which was literally half a mile away. thankfully that was a Plus ride too which has a minimum fare of $10. youd think that dudes going that short of a ride would want a simple Uber X car, but no, they wanted style for their 3 minute ride and i gave it to them.

    disappointed with life i went to the McDonalds drive-thru and called it a night. went to bed early which means i woke up early.

    at 6:30am i was back on the road looking for someone who wanted to go to the airport.

    instead i found a woman at the Chateau who wanted to go to DryBar and then i found a different woman who needed me to take she and her cute little son to his French school in West LA.

    she was a beautiful scandinavian who then needed me to take her to her work. it was a high fare because it was surging like crazy but she didnt care, which was a delight.

    the morning def made up for last night and best of all i was early for work so everyone was happy.

  3. Wednesday, March 25, 2015

    last night was a good night, all my schemes were working 

    tumblr_nl6982xwfB1up1nc2o1_540uber plus is like fishing, you gotta know where the spots are where no one else is fishing.

    and i think i found some good ones. the tricky part, just like in any part of your life is




    the first two are pretty simple but sometimes you end up in the skankiest public restrooms that it makes you consider peeing in a bottle and throwing that bottle in the trash

    but there are a few problems with that

    1) lots of poor people pick through the garbage looking for bottles and cans (clap yr hands)

    2) what if you spill on your way to the dumpster

    3) peeing in your car in a bottle? is that why you went to college?

    there really should be safe clean beautiful public restrooms where you tip the guy a buck and you can do your thing

    but sadly those places are called McDonalds and theyre not always as clean as i kept them back in the day

    however nothing is as terrible as the Del Taco i found myself at in Venice

    holy moses. and on top of that there were two guys selling/using/experimenting with heroin outside the door

    then i worried about the bottom of my shoes, then my hands, thank god for hand sanitizer


    learned a few more things about Marina Del Rey when i left, and also learned it isnt that profitable to drive people from LAX any more

    $17 LAX -> West Hollywood.

    I was all, what!?!?

    but i know how to fix that now so goal, imma hit you faster tonight, just wait.

  4. Sunday, March 15, 2015

    i had a great day yesterday, one of the best 

    lady in the window

    after several rides i said, “thank you Lord. THANK YOU!”

    i have a sunroof, so i looked up through it and said, “i see you loving me down here!”

    the weather was perfect, the aromas from the trees, the good vibes from every single person.



    im so lucky to be doing the two jobs that i get to do. and drive this magical car

    and be healthy and get to drive around this city that ive known for over 30(!) years.

    so lucky.

    so blessed.

  5. Friday, March 13, 2015

    back in the saddle 

    rock doc

    last night was fantastic. first night driving Uber Plus, and even though the Plus rides were great, i still have the option to also do UberX trips and my sole X ride was the best.

    but first the plusses:

    first plus was a teenage high school girl in Beverly Hills.

    pick her up and shes going to Beverly Hills High. she’s doing a piano recital there.

    i teller that shes my first Plus ever and she tells me to get ready because ALL the kids at her school love to order Plus

    kirsten-dunst-candy-sweets-on-the-set-of-marie-antoinetteand then puke in the cars.

    “they’re not uptight that i’m gonna charge them a $250 cleaning fee?” i ask her

    “they’re rich, they dont care!” she reminds me.

    when i drop her off she says, “say adios to your clean car!”

    right away i get pinged for someone at the Century Plaza in Century City.

    Obama is in town so theres cops everywhere because back in the day presidents stayed there because it has a helipad.

    get the guy and he’s going to the airport.

    we have a great ride. he asks me to stop at a gas station when i find one because he wants some chewing tobacco.

    first gas station didnt have it, second one does, no prob. we hit a little obama traffic but not much, we’re have a great convo.

    get to the airport in a half hour. my guess is the fare will be about $30. turns out it’s $50 and i call my mom because im so happy.

    ma, Plus is gonna be it!

    get a coke and my phone is blowing up from X passenger requests which i ignore because i want one more plus and i will call it a night.

    instead i realize, dummy, if someone is trying to get you from one of the hotels near LAX they’re probably (wisely) trying to get from LAX to Hollywood, so i accept it because it’s better to have $20 in your pocket and be out of the deadspace that is LAX.

    in come two lovely Aussies who yes took a shuttle from LAX to the nearest hotel and summoned me.

    the woman is a nurse, the man is a doctor, but not just any old doc, a Rock Doctor. he helps singers and rock stars stay healthy while theyre on the road.

    we hit it off, have the best convo about music and LA and he even tips me well and we exchange info for when he comes back to LA.

    i drive around a bit more looking for plus rides but ive already hit my goal and it’s barely 10pm

    so i call it a night because the weekend approaches and you wanna pace yourself so you dont die.

  6. Thursday, March 12, 2015

    bukowski never whined 


    he just kept doing his thing: working, drinking, writing, snoring.

    they didnt have the saying “first world problems” back then, and even though for some of his life he was either being tormented and beaten by his father or struggling and running from landlords in skid row,

    he probably would have said that any problem that he had was a first world problem.

    he didnt have to worry about malaria or getting something to eat. he always had a bottle of wine, a hot bathtub, and a radio to listen to music by.

    artmy biggest problem, the one i want to complain about, is the biggest first world problem i could ever imagine: uber hasn’t classified my mercedes into Uber Plus yet

    it’s very frustrating, but i can still eat, i can still sext, i can still go to the farmers market and order a tri tip sandwich potato salad and collard greens.

    the garbage men make a lot of noise but they take away the garbage.

    i dont remember one whine from picasso or ernie banks or even noah and noah never even had an xbox.

    imagine you live 500 years like noah did and you never got to play madden.

    yes i want to drive again. soon. maybe tonight. yes i want to take rich ppl or business ppl or ppl who dont wanna sit in the back of a dirty prius. ppl who will pay 2.3x the typical rate.

    and yes those ppl wanna ride with me, the greatest uber driver of all times. the one who knows all the streets and the stories behind the buildings and the tales of what used to be there and what is planned for there and there.

    the one who will play sinatra on channel 71 or smooth jams on 3, who can talk to you about the back up back up point guard for the clippers, the coach’s son, or local state or federal politics.

    or nothing at all.

    some ppl just want the driver to chill till the next episode and close the sun roof and get their ass to their mistresses crib in the hills.

    and hear nothing but the sounds of the rubber on the wet road and the shifting of gears.

    and babies i want that too.

  7. Monday, March 9, 2015

    this weekend i did something i havent done in a long long time 

    uber hq


    usually, as you know, i work my real job M-F and then friday nights and saturday i uber.

    despite pleading with uber on thursday and then again on friday to approve my new vehicle they are the slowest machine in the world when it comes to matters that would be beneficial to drivers so they wrote me back late friday saying theyve received all my docs but hang in there it is “pending”, which isnt what you want to hear.

    you want to hear, “thank you for upgrading to a luxury car FOR US, now go out and make some damn money.”

    to add insult to injury they texted all of us on friday telling us that if we went to the westwood office on saturday we would get a free tshirt if we listened to their spiel about UberPool, which sadly is Not a 24-hour spa where Uber drivers can shit shower shave and soak in a pool/hottub while taking a break from driving.


    because im not used to sitting on my hands on the weekend, i drove over to their HQ (which just happens to be in the building PeopleSupport used to occupy back in the day, which we called Westwood 2.) in hopes that someone there would be able to switch the button which would let me drive.

    instead they claimed all they could do was talk to me about Uber Pool and give me a tshirt.

    i passed. pissed. drove back home. involved myself in two fantasy baseball drafts and then watched movies and tv shows and read the bible. and took a walk around los feliz because it’s super warm.

    i must say i do feel very rested and ready to take on this week, but i made no extra cash and i feel like i wasted my life.

    say la vee.

    hopefully uber lets me drive soon.

  8. Saturday, February 28, 2015

    last night was fun, if you like that sort of thing 

    last ride in uberx

    started at 8 because i went to the mercedes dealer to see if i could trade my ford in for one of their german luxury cars which would allow me to upgrade uber levels and charge double on every ride.

    dude said yes but he wouldnt know for sure until tomorrow.

    tipped the valet $3 and started ubering.

    was worried about the new Uber Pool because i didnt know how it really worked but eventually learned that the app will tell you if theres another person for pickup ready (and where) and all of that, but strangely it never asks the passengers how many are in their party and the only pool i drove last night were three drunk guys from the midwest and then two confused asian guys who ended up canceling because hi, you cant fit 5 passengers into an uber.

    did a lot of short rides but also had some long ones and surges. drove till 3am.

    – drove some moms with seafood breath from delmonicas right next to the beach through west LA, listening to them talk about baseball practice and whose mom brings what treats and what a relief in one league no one brings any.

    – took the manager of amoeba records from his home in a predominantly black neighborhood to a rock show in hollywood. was very impressed that he lived there bc i dont know of any white ppl living there. and its smart bc it’s a good 35% cheaper. we had a great chat about LP sales in places like amoeba. he says it’s a good chunk of their business.

    – picked up four party girls from santa monica to a house party in west hollywood. couldnt be cuter. we mostly talked about chrissy tiegen.

    – the midwestern boys were on vacation and were staying at the not horrible Dunes motel near the freeway. even though theyd been thrown into some seedy parts of hollywood and dtla they thought LA was beautiful.

    – some drunk guys at 2am made me wait as they got street dogs near my favorite DTLA bar Down And Out. I told them if they spilled any food or puked that the ride was over. I was very clear. Two of the guys looked scary, but i was gonna trade in the Ford in mere hours. Before we drove 5 blocks the guy in the back passed his half eaten dog to the guy in the front and it spilled right next to me and I stopped the car and said get out. Cursing, threats ensued but fellas, lemme tell you about the xbi using sign language. as i was driving off they threw their remaining dogs at my car and i screeched to a stop. fortunately for all of us it was surging even higher and i got back in my car and later wiped the ketchup from my window.

    – took the smartest cutest young lady originally from shanghai from a late night dance club to midwilshire and we talked about global economics and how chinese people dont trust chinese businesses selling them coffee or fried chicken and thus starbucks and kfc dominate. i said i smell a huge business opportunity and esped a wedding proposal to her and her fuzzy hat.

  9. Sunday, February 15, 2015

    last night driving the lovebirds was lovely 

    kanye smiling bc he's happy

    traffic was gnarly because of the record breaking warm weather. 82 degrees near the beach where i drove most of the day. and of course valentines day where everyone for some reason thinks it’s their duty to drive their loved one themselves to a far-away restaurant.

    because of the traffic and the warm temps many drivers didnt drive leaving surge prices for most of the day and night. $11 rides were suddenly $28 (as they should be) and guess what: no passenger complained.

    often drivers will say that they dont like to drive during surge hours because ticked off passengers take it out on them with low ratings.

    this week i drove almost exclusively during surge times and i have a perfect score

    so yes it can be done

    Screen Shot 2015-02-15 at 1.07.03 PM

    yesterday i learned a lot

    high school sophomore girl told me that the kids dont hate iggy azelia because she basic, but because she has bad music. meanwhile shes living the dream: grammy nom, million seller, two huge songs (fancy, black widow), dating a laker, so props to her.

    skinny cross fitter told me i shouldnt eat white things: rice, potatoes, wheat, sugar, salt. and something less impossible: start running, just a mile. do 5 pushups a day until you feel like doing 10. but just do that a few times a day. 10% he said is better than 0%. then he offered me some weed.

    party people leaving the Bungalow told me going up California, albeit full of stop signs, is still faster than Wilshire with all its lights.

    gay Aussie dude going to a lesbian wedding told me that in his country the Republicans are called Liberals and are just as determined to stick their dick into nature (for their god, money) as ours are. he said their prime minister recently approved the dredging around the Great Barrier Reef for a coal port. yes whatever you do, fuck with the largest living organism on the globe.

    these sweet asian recent ucla grads told me that asians who get red quickly when they drink booze have a 60% higher chance of getting cancer than their brethren who dont get red quickly.

    i started at 11am, ended at 9pm, took a few breaks in between and surpassed my goal while enjoying driving with the window down for most of the day.

    had to turn on the AC a few times. in mid February, while most of the nation froze.

    life is so not fair.