nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 18, 2018

    it’s not easy to get me jealous 

    but right now ive got friends in Egypt checking out the pyramids and in Kuwait playing video games with our troops

    yesterday i had an interesting dilemma. it was surging 2.5x on Uber but i got a ping on Lyft Premium (which is like a 3x surge).

    when i got the Lyft request i saw it was from a gated community near a country club and every time ive picked up someone there it was a short, irritating ride.

    and now that Uber and Lyft tells you whether or not it is a long trip or not, i knew this Lyft ride wasn’t going to be a long ride.

    so i was tempted to cancel it but i had just lectured all these dumb young kids on the Uber facebook page that you shouldn’t cancel a guaranteed decent ride in hopes that you will get a big fat long ride in a minute or two.

    traffic was bad where i was gonna pick them up and again i was tempted, but the Lord led me out of temptation and i got to where i needed to be and there they were waiting for me.

    one of the things about these rides is there is the small chance that as you are driving they will say, oh we didnt mean to drop us off here (a short ride) we meant for you to take us Alllllllll the way over here (a long, profitable ride).

    but the other pleasant surprise is they can give you a $10 tip because they rich as hell and cool and appreciated you and are good hearted.

    and thats what happened. a $10 tip on a $21 ride.

    still i want to see the pyramids soon!

  2. Friday, April 13, 2018

    took these two dude from one side of town to the other 

    if i was a bad person i would have recorded their conversation and transcribed it here for you because it was really fascinating.

    but i am a good person. sorta.

    they were talking about all these tv deals that they were making and wanted to make.

    they were talking about all these women and how powerful they were.

    and how powerful they are going to be when they finalize these deals.

    all of that was typical Hollywood blah blah blah and i was thinking to myself boring

    but then they got bored with that, it was a long ride.

    then they started talking about their kids

    “did you ever take yours to the Tower of Terror?”

    “in Florida, yes?”

    “it’s it fantastic.”

    “oh man, someone at Disney gave us these passes and we went on that thing eight times. Mary loved it.”

    then they talked about this carnival they went to. then Europe.

    their tone was so different. so sweet.

    i wanted to tell them, do business with that tone and you will rule the world.

    they didn’t tip.

  3. Saturday, April 7, 2018

    guy lombardo of course 

    what if you just get tired of things after a while.

    what if you just overthink things after a spell.

    what if you dont wanna share with the whole wide world about your fabulous life and all the pretty girls who kiss you and all the sweet old people who ride in your back seat and

    those who tell you about the time that they moved here from north dakota in 1946.

    oh really, what did you do when you got here?

    i worked at decca records.

    holy shit, decca was the label who didnt sign the beatles so they signed the stones and the rest is history.


    so tell, me, if you were here in the 40s did you ever go dancing at the Hollywood Palladium?


    omg. i heard that one mr frank sinatra used to sing there with a big band and everyone would dance in pretty dresses

    i’ll have you know that that very same frank sinatra kissed me on the cheek when i met him.

    were his eyes as blue as legend has it?

    legend cannot live up to reality — his eyes were bluer than you could ever hope for.

    tell me more about decca. i love them so.

    well, every two weeks, when you got your check, they would let you pick out 6 records.

    which ones do you remember choosing when you first started?

    guy lombardo of course!

    and when i dropped her off her assistant said, she never talks to uber drivers, EVER

    which was the best compliment of all


  4. Tuesday, April 3, 2018

    in the days of chimpanzees i was a drive in 

    she didnt mean any harm. long legs. short hair. didnt care.

    hopped in the back seat, verified where we were headed and just sat there.

    sometimes if they are looking out the window i’ll say something like

    so whats happening where we’re going.

    and they’ll tell me just going home

    or theyre going to a party or

    and sometimes they will tell you the saddest thing in the world

    like theyre going to a funeral or a bar

    or theyre gonna just go to a park and sit and cry.

    one girl told me, sometimes i just want to get out of my own neighborhood

    walk around where no one knows me

    and just think about all the things i did wrong all week.

    id say baby you didnt do anything wrong.

    and she’d cry super quiet back there.

    and id turn up the jazz louder so she could have some space.

    and id drive super fast so we could get their quicker.

    and give her five stars when we got there.

  5. Saturday, March 31, 2018

    back to the back to the beat y’all 

    i got rhymes so fat and sweet y’all

    ubes had a promotion this morning to get all our lazy asses outta bed on Easter Saturday, a morning that is typically slow, and we know

    so like most smart drivers, i don’t get excited for anything unless it’s 1.9 or over

    so for an hour in large swath on the east side of town they had a 2x surge – but the passenger doesnt pay the surge, ubes does.

    and then in the next hour they had a 2.4x surge from koreatown to the west.

    first ride was this young japanese woman. short ride. we passed a new target near mccarthur park.

    a little one. like a corner store.

    target i asked the silent / shy lady.

    yes! she perked up.

    you are so lucky i said.

    yes, she agreed and settled back into the seat, looking out at the buildings going by.

    $7 for a 7 minute ride. whatever. figured i was near the Line Hotel. figured i should probably circle it a few times because 2.4 times the airport is what it’s all about.

    circled around it once. nothing. circled around again: ping. a mom and her two teenage daughters. Mexican.

    i start the deal and it says Universal Hollywood.

    hey we’re going to Hogwarts i say.

    the ladies laugh, yes!

    i told them how great their hotel is. about roy choi. kogi.

    then i ask, where in mexico are you senioritas from?

    the mom says, mexico city!

    they tell me a little about it and i ask,

    is it true that in mexico city the ladies have to ride Women’s Only busses

    because the men are too — and i made the Grabby Hands gesture with wiggling my fingers

    and they said yes.

    and i said, im so so sorry.

  6. Thursday, March 15, 2018

    drove a very rich man from west LA to pasadena 

    he knew everyone, everything, and was super cool about it.

    freaked me out at first because as soon as he got in he said, turn off the music, then he made a phone call.

    i knew it was gonna be a long ride but the thought of no music terrified me if he wasn’t gonna talk but nope he loves music, he just wanted my uninterrupted attention.

    i never asked him how he made his millions but if i can find out tons of details about you in 10 minutes, imagine what can be gleaned in an hour and 10.

    what i learned is he donates to arts causes, homeless shelters, womens shelters, and public radio. he is tough but fair. and not only does he give but he knows exactly where the money is going to, where the shelters are – and who are the people running it.

    he told me about the time when he was 40 and his wife won an auction where a famous celebrity chef spent the day shopping and cooking with him for a dinner party for his friends.

    he told me about classical music, Elton John, and jazz at the Hollywood Bowl.

    he complimented me on my driving and told me that he has a regular driver because so many uber guys “speed up, change lanes, honk, and have foul mouths.”

    fuck them, i joked.

    his fare was $94, I got $64 and when i picked up amber i surprised her with a bowl of her favorite soup and she literally cried.

    back to the old guy. when i asked him why he was going from west LA to pasadena in the middle of rush hour, he said, “my wife and I have been married 47 years. since i am interested in making it 48 years, when she says, we are going to this thing in pasadena at 8pm, i make sure i am there, and on time.”

  7. Saturday, February 24, 2018

    are cub fans the best people in the world? 


    picked up a dude from brazil. he was in the catching money laundering game.

    no kidding.

    i was all how did Paul Manafort fuck up?

    he was all, he got too close to Trump?


    he’s the biggest mark there ever was.

    dropped him off at the airport, then picked up this vacation expert.

    he was on his way to the far east to scope out a private island

    we got talking about Cuba

    i asked, should i check out Cuba during this pause, so as to see it before it gets ruined?

    dude goes, only thing thats gonna ruin it is when Google lays down fiber

    and all the Cubans leave the streets and go inside and surf the web.

    he said, right now the best part of Cuba are the Cubans… who are outside most of the time


  8. Friday, January 19, 2018

    do you know i love you, i do 

    i have been blogging since the begining of time.

    i was handed a macbook pro, and some blazing fast internet

    the Creator said, do your thing my dude

    and right away i was documenting the comings and goings of hollywood, isla vista, and all points in between.

    with a twist.

    in the last 16 years alone i have authored over 11,000 posts and made friends from all around the world due to this humble URL.

    weirdly i tell anyone who will listen that nothing in here is true, and yet they still believe it all and root me on.

    no one more heartily than my dear mother and closest friends.

    i am so blessed i cant even believe it sometimes. it’s disgusting. im sick to my stomach now. hold up. brb.

    the trick to success, as i have seen it, is to utilize the fact that we have two eyes two ears and just one mouth.

    aka listen and learn before type type typing.

    trust me when i tell you this is hard for me. because i have 10 fingers AND 10 toes.

    and believe me when i tell you that there is plenty to see and hear and learn from here in LA,

    so this blog has been a constant battle of waiting and writing.

    for the first 12 years i didnt do much waiting and learning and seeing.

    lately i have been doing a lot of soaking in.

    especially the uber stuff

    which initially was just a way to learn and watch and listen

    but now has turned into something weirder and more loving

    and something that i think about every day

    in a good way.

    which is to say this. if you follow me on instagram, you will know that i have been watching a movie every day. and then writing a sentence or two about it.

    when i am in the theatres the weirdest thing happens: i think about work. never uber, but my real job.

    even last night, during Paddington 2, something that had nothing to do with the innerworkings of my gig, there i was trying to figure out how to be better at it as that cute little bear worked out ways to handle Hugh Grant.

    i dont know why its easier to blog about uber, but it is. and this blog could be 100% that.

    i also dont know why i never think about uber on my down time.

    but i dont.

    maybe it’s because i already know im the best in the world at it.

    no question.

    no offense.

  9. Monday, January 1, 2018

    i drove from midnight to 3:30am, made two mistakes 

    when i told my mom i was driving on new years eve she said


    theres drunks, druggies, freaks, bad people, hookers, pimps, and worse: the underaged experimenting with drugs and alcohol for one of the first times

    but i drove. first to ambers hotel to drop her off as she worked the dreaded graveyard shif

    and then to the Cafe’s 50 on Santa Monica to read the bible from 11pm until the midnight hour, for several reasons including

    i love the bible
    i hadnt read it yet
    and there i was about to drive on sorta Sunday night, but technically Monday morning, but i was nervous because its written there right in stone, dont work on the sabbath. but does that end when the ball drops? would the Lord understand? am i being greedy? am i being lazy since i barely drove all week and there i was doing it on sunday night / monday morning simply because the rates would be very high for a few hours?

    i read. it was about Saul chasing David through the wilderness as Saul’s son did what he could to protect David. it was beautiful. some say they were gay for each other, and i could see how you could see that.

    midnight i was off. 3x surge, four very loud very annoying pretty young women in short dresses, faux furs and Face Time rolling.

    one in the back seat got a FT from this handsome young man in San Diego who was trying to convince her to meet halfway in Orange County. i was all, “i’ll drive!”

    he promised her steak dinner, she said yeah fool Maestros get up here!

    there was much confusion. horns blaring on his side, criticisms being blared on her side from her friends.

    eventually we made it to Culver City, but not soon enough if you ask me.

    already i could see the roads were going to be packed of buzzed drivers and bad uber/lyft dudes.

    my next ride was a $45 lyft premium ride from Baldwin Hills to Inglewood and then a $44 lyft premium from the Dave Chappelle show at the Forum over to El Segundo. on that one the woman wanted to go to Del Taco but her husband, bless him, was all, no no, theres food in our hotel lobby. we settled on iHop.

    right there i shoulda said, “i just made $100 in an hour. go home. you’re safe. no one puked. you werent in an accident. ”

    but of course i didn’t listen to myself. who quits the super bowl in the 1st quarter?

    around 2:45am, after driving little short deals all night in beverly hills, and two cancellations, i got a ping to the Soho House.

    theres two places to pick people up there, on busy Sunset or on the narrow side street next to the garage. so i called as i approached and he was sorta mumbling, which is a RED FLAG to avoid avoid avoid especially at that hour because it means hes drunk or on drugs or up to something.

    he was drunk.

    and he took his boots off immediately.

    and thank god passed out half way there.

    but when we got there he didn’t know where he was and didnt want to get out.

    frail little pup who claimed to work in the fashion industry. his cigarette broke as he gathered his things, but when he called his friend who’s house we were in front of the worst thing ever happened.

    “my phone died. i don’t know where i am. i want to go home.”

    huge problem because i had already ended the ride and they dont let you re-book with a passenger because they dont trust such things. also we were close to my house, it was late and i did not want to go anywhere else with this dude, who i could tell, was VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT HE DIDNT PUKE IN MY BENZ

    so i charged his phone for him as my flashers blinked and cars had to go around us

    and waited and waited, cursing my life choices.

    it charged. he called. and the prettiest black girl i have seen in a very long time comes waltzing out

    with a scruffy white dude.

    they collect my passenger.

    i clean out the back set of trash.

    and call it a night.

    Lesson: I should have just kept my Lyft on exclusively. it was paying better and on a night like that more Lyft passengers were out and drunk and not caring about price.

  10. Wednesday, December 20, 2017

    saw this really good movie last week called Wonder 

    in it is a line that has struck me

    If you have a choice between
    being right and being kind,
    choose kind

    i am definitely guilty of keeping it

    a little too real,

    especially here on the internet.

    but to live up to that quote would be quite an interesting little enterprise, let me tell you

    especially here on the internet.

    theres that other saying that goes,

    take it easy on people bro, you dont know what they’re up against.


    which this movie brings home in a special way. because some people seem like they have it one way, but behind the scenes something is completely different. just  like how pictures of downtown LA make it look so beautiful.

    but when you get in there…

    it’s a different type of beautiful.

    drove this old korean guy across town today. he sat in the front. talk talk talked with a heavy accent.

    told me how he got pulled over by the cops in the 60s in LA and he admitted to the cop that he was too young to drive

    and the cop said, get it together, and sent him on his way.

    told me that he wants his little son to be good at piano.

    i was all i would love to be good at piano.

    and we got to his spot and he said,

    i apologize if i spoke too much. in korean culture, a man should be quiet.

    i said my man you’re in america,

    let it out.