nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, October 14, 2017

    the good thing about uber and lyft is 

    let’s say you get popped by a damn red light camera not coming to a full stop

    and let’s say that the fine is $500

    you really can go out into the world at all hours

    and you can make that $500 in a week, or a week and-a-half

    i went to court on Friday at like 8:30am and paid the $10 cash to park in the court basement

    it was cash only.

    and i wondered why does the beverly hills court want cash so badly?

    aren’t all-cash operations only doing that because they wanna dodge some taxes?

    so why is a city doing that?

    is there graft in the poshest city in LA?

    and i went to the cour room and there were a couple dozen of us there.

    and we read our names on the print out and the balif said some funny jokes, one of them directed at our dear president.

    and we plead guilty, not guilty or no contest.

    it was a judge pro-tem so he was extra careful to explain everything beautifully.

    and along the way i overheard someone say there was video on the website, not just still pictures.

    and i was all uh oh. because all i had seen were the still pictures and those didn’t really prove anything. well today i saw the video and i wish i had seen it before i plead not guilty because after further review im so guilty they should impeach me from office.

    cubs lost today too.

    but they were supposed to.

    tomorrow im pretty sure they will win. mostly because they played well today even though they were tired AF.

    and it was hot.

    and sometimes the stars are conspiring against you.

    and i should slow down anyways.

    lifes a cabaret, old chum.

  2. Friday, October 13, 2017

    the libras biggest struggle is to truly let go 

    im not a control freak. i swear.

    i feel like im the best team player because i know what its like to be the leader, the quasi leader, and the not leader.

    these people get in the uber and theyre so used to being the leader that they think they gotta tell me how to get to the airport

    and im all, negro, do you know how many times ive gotten someone to the airport

    in rush hour traffic, on the 405?

    and youd think if you have a benz and its clean and theres a liscense plate that says


    and the license plate holder that says 2016 world series champs

    and miles davis is playing

    and ive got water, mints, and a super long cord

    that id be trusted.

    but no.

    some people think they have to do it all and im all sit back and let me do

    what im best at.

    what if it turns out that i was never meant to be a writer or a director or a baseball manager

    but i was meant to be the worlds greatest uber driver.

    would that be so bad?

    theres some people who will never be the worlds greatest anything.

    i appreciate people so much. i see them. i know they see me see them.

    people should try to be the worlds greatest something.

    they should strive.

    i strive like crazy.

    im over here striving my head off.

    but ok mr advertising exec tell me how to drive on the 405.

    the jungle i was sent to this planet to traverse across.

  3. Thursday, October 12, 2017

    cop shows up in my uber backseat, an undercover one 

    he has a beautiful wife.

    but as i have told many before, i can find out everything about my passengers within the first 5 minutes of the ride as long as they talk to me.

    it’s like that weird 20 Questions game you can get at the drug store as a stocking stuffer.

    whenever i pick up someone from a hotel i ask them if theyre in from outta town and usually they are. so i ask them where and they tell me.

    this pair was from Denver. they seemed rich. it was a fancy hotel. Uber Select. going to a fancy restaurant. so i say, may i ask you a question about where youre from?

    they straightened up with excitement.

    i said, LA will soon have legal weed. your state has had it and has made a billion in tax revenue in less than a year. that seems like a lot of pot. has it negatively affected your city at all? has anything drastically changed?

    then he revealed to me that he was a cop. he said that the only thing that has changed is more tourists come to town. other than that crime is neither up nor down. all is well. then he added this:

    “the sheriff and i sit on his porch and pass a joint back and forth. it’s nice.”

    he did say this interesting fact… that emergency room visits are up, usually from hotels, of tourists who buy edibles and eat too many of them and freak out. they get rushed to the hospital where they just have to wait for the THC to get through their system.

    i said, so if LA was to learn anything from Colorado it would be to pay great care to edibles?

    he said yes. make sure they are clearly marked with the dosage and each cookie or brownie or whatever should be equal to ONE DOSE.

    it was a very pleasant conversation and he gave me a $5 tip and then said

    I’d give you $4.20 but you were superb.

  4. Monday, September 18, 2017

    i think about my cat Prince a lot 

    he does things and he cant help it.

    im the same way.

    if you throw his favorite little bell-ball he will run after it like a dog. eventually you will find it near my bed. a weird, slow, game of fetch, even though he’s a cat.

    me, i drive uber and lyft as often as i can, even though i have a perfectly good normal job.

    even though the roads are dangerous, the traffic is heinous and letting strangers in my Benz isn’t the wisest move deep down.

    but i am addicted to learning about and helping people. ive got a friend Ben who works at a Catholic soup kitchen. they lure Catholics to skid row, murder them, and make soup out of them. the poor are nourished and Ben feels good about himself, which is crazy because Ben is one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet.

    got another friend, Steve, who writes novels and interviews other authors about their process. i almost wanna write another book just so Steve will interview me about it.

    some nights i will drive and drive and drive for eight hours straight. peeing just once or twice. usually mcdonalds but today i peed in a bowling alley bathroom. what a great place.

    my problem is i love people for about 25 minutes. i wanna know everything about them. and then they’re gone. no fuss no muss. am i a commitment-phobe? probably. who cares. we live such short lives why are we trying to box ourselves in? why can’t we just enjoy a bite-sized conversation, especially if it goes into a deeper truth.

    the problem though with driving for 8 hours is somewhere along the way you get tired so you eat something and drink a giant Coke. then you get home totally frazzled and you can’t get to sleep.

    luckily for me, theres a long legged blonde girl who dresses sexy and helps me get my Zzzs. and she has a key to my castle.

    do i wanna write novels? yes. do i wanna have a great podcast? yes. would i love to build a house one day and shove a Conversation Pit in there? of course.

    but i am currently addicted to lifestyle choices that keep me a mild mannered apartment dweller with no hope for advancement.

    except in my heart.

    where all my little conversations with the good people of this city live forever.

    occasionally i will let you in for a peek.

    which is how Prince would do it too.

    (my Prince, not yrs.)

  5. Tuesday, September 5, 2017

    i did a lot and i did nothing, then i got rest, now im tired 

    amber wanted to go to a porn star party and i said have fun!

    she said you dont wanna meet the girls? i said ive met everyone.

    she said you wont get jealous if i have tons of fun?

    i said life is short, always have tons of fun

    and i watched the following films:

    the bellboy, king of comedy, nocturnal animals

    and the day before we watched a clockwork orange.

    saturday i drove and drove and drove. it was a flashback to yesteryear.

    i wish uber would realize that there are beautiful feelings that drivers get when you give us a goal and a proper prize

    and then we reach said goal.

    it makes us feel amazing and wonderful and all along the way we are counting down and

    when we hit it we wanna dance around.

    surely theres a way that we can capture this feeling and share it with other drivers

    and inspire them too.

    but  im not sure uber is ready for that jelly.

    tonight im eating steak with my man chris.

  6. Tuesday, August 29, 2017

    drove 100 miles yesterday for Lyft n Uber 

    first ride was right close to my work. two hollywood producers from up north. they didn’t know movies. it was weird.

    the one guy kept asking the other guy “who is that?” and they were talking about Famous people!

    we were speeding across town to go from one fancy hotel to another.

    i mighta blown my tip when, while driving north on La Brea, one of the dudes asks, “so we’re taking side streets?”

    i said, “gotta take them to get to the freeway, but yes.”

    it came across snotty i think. am i defensive about my routes? maybe. sometimes.

    but i did follow up by asking, “is there a way you wanna go?” he said no. he was just asking.

    after that i saw that i was in an area that Uber was giving us a 1.7x bonus.

    i was downtown where you have to be careful because a lot of times people are just going 5-6 blocks and its annoying because you have to wait for them and the roads are packed and youre double parked and ughhh.

    but at 1.7x i figured i would head over to the train station and see if i could get a long ride from there because often people get off the train and have to go to places where there isnt a train station like Santa Monica or Manhattan Beach or Pasadena.

    got over there and immediately got a ping. and whattya know it was a Select ride! thank you Lord!

    ended up being a really good kid who had some birth defect or learning disability. he sounded like Rain Man a little.

    he sat in the front seat which is extremely rare for Uber Select. i hit the app and saw he was going way out over to the Wesssside. $40 ride at least for me, probably $60 for him.

    i said, this is Select, you know that right? he said yep.

    and we were off.

    while talking it became obvious that his parents were very rich doctors and he regularily takes the train East to volunteer at a hospital.

    which ward did you work at today? i asked

    The Burn Unit he said.

    dude, youre going straight to Heaven.

    i know, he laughed.

    i was all, do you go there often? he said every Monday Wednesday and Fridays. so i told him i would see him on Wednesday at the same time.

    he was all, ok!

    my goal every week is $200 as that is what my car costs when all is said and done. if i could make $120 of that on one passenger, i could probably hit $300 every week.

    best laid plans tho so relax.

    so there i was at UCLA pretty happy with myself. i texted amber to see what she had planned for the night. maybe we would get some grub somewhere.

    when ping i got a call from the center of UCLA. usually i would cancel that because those rides are shorter than DTLA ones.

    turned out this woman wanted to go to Rancho PV, which is damn near long beach. 22 mile ride.

    but it was Uber X at only 1.3. I told amber i wouldnt be home till 10pm and id be exhausted from doing the 10 twice and now the 405 there and the 110 to get home.

    she is always a good sport so she said there will be food when i got home.

    for some reason traffic was a dream and i did the whole thing in no time and got home at 9:30p

    amber had told me not to go to fast food, that there would be food waiting so when i got home and there wasnt

    i was mad.

    here i had this super profitable day driving, traffic was amazing, a half naked babe was cooking for me and all i could feel was unfulfilled entitlement.

    it made me upset that i was mad because it reminded me of people who would get mad even though others were doing nice things for them.

    i dont wanna be that guy.

    so i took a walk to get her some milk that she needed for the mashed potatoes and apologized profusely for being a jerk.

    its weird how automatic emotions can filter up.

    i got emotional thinking about how i am not 100 per cent in control of my feelings all the time and sometimes they are dark.

    she said you are super kind, you were not mean, you have nothing to apologize about.

    but i knew what was inside and it reminded me of fellow Libra Jimmy Carter who told Playboy that a sin in your heart is just as bad as a sin you take action on.

    and of course i agree with the president.

  7. Friday, July 28, 2017
  8. Tuesday, July 25, 2017

    sometimes you should just sit right there 

    i never learned to rap

    or breakdance

    or sing in a way that makes the young girls cry.

    but i have learned how to deal with uber passengers who cancel.

    yesterday i was doing so well. first ride went from here to there.

    next ride went there to here.

    and then i cruised up wilshire from the beach past OJ’s to Bundy when ping!

    it was an Uber Select ride, my favorite so i did a U-turn and waited and she canceled.

    i was a little mad because there i was, clean car, vacuumed rugs, Sinatra on the stereo.

    so i looked to see if i was there long enough to get the $5 cancelation fee.


    but when i checked i saw that she was gonna be going to Atwater Village. which is a great ride for me.

    so i looped around again because maybe she needed to take a quick leak or smoke a bowl or take out the trash

    and in 5-10 minutes she would make my day.

    well, friends, she came out of that door 1 minute later and said are you my uber?

    i said sure am.

    she said can you cancel this guy then?

    i said no but you can if you want.

    and she did and she hired me and we drove and $60 later i was 10 minutes from my home and i laughed and laughed and laughed

    but i still regret not learning how to spin on my head.

  9. Saturday, July 22, 2017

    you are loved you are loved you are really really loved 

    hot babes in LA are like fancy cars. everywhere.

    i dont think ive ever seen an ugly girl here.

    not one.

    had this slick young black dude from manhattan in the back.

    he was, “i did NOT see a bentley convertible just pass two Maybachs on the same block.

    i was all this is beverly hills. that doesnt happen here it doesnt happen.


    pretty girl with a dimple and light eyes says look at that im gonna be on time

    we were going from venice to restaurant row, across town.

    she said 30 minute ride? im normally late.

    i asked her her star sign.

    she said aquarius.

    i said, interesting thing about aquarius is after they complete a big task

    like host a baby shower or do a big report or something

    they feel empty.

    because they are the water bearers and their giant pot is now gone.

    i said, does that ring true to you?

    she said no.

    i said good astrology’s for the birds

    we were headed to the most expensive sushi joint in all of LA

    i said im jealous of you

    she said im jealous of me

    i asked where she went to college. i dont know why. but i always do.

    maybe because i just wanna talk about ucsb.

    everyone smiles when you mention it.

    she said usc. i said omg did you hear about your medical dean?

    she was all scandal!

    we bonded beautifully then sighed

    i miss college, she

    me too, me

    sometimes i think of all the books i should have read there

    i said, i still got so many of mine, still unread

    she said i dont think ive ever finished a book


    i said why do you think thats the case?

    she said, maybe because i feel sad after i finish things

    and then winked at me when she caught me looking

  10. Saturday, July 8, 2017

    saw mel brooks on camden in beverly hills yesterday in the heat 

    outside some store

    all these autograph hounds all around him with posters of his movies

    and glossy pictures.

    where do these people come from?

    how do they know he’s gonna be there?

    where do they buy all those Sharpies?

    and Mel just turned 91 last week. still out there giving the people what they want. if i only had a Young Frankenstein stein I would have been out there too begging him to sign it for me.

    but alas, i was driving around rodeo trying to get a nibble.

    even a short ride would be good on a hot day.


    floated over to westwood. got a ping at one of those wilshire skyscraper condos.

    in walks an old man and his youngish wife.

    we are going to the Grill on the Alley

    first he tells me to turn down the jazz and then questions why im avoiding wilshire.

    just take it all the way!

    anything you say.

    around the hilton theres a traffic jam. he still directs me.

    i try to change the subject.

    so what’s good over at the Grill?

    he tells me everythings good and the service is excellent.

    he mentions liver.

    i go, omg i love liver. do they serve it with onions or bacon?

    he says, they serve it with onions And bacon.

    i say i dont want to drop you off. you both must stay and drive with me. you for the directions and your wife for her beautiful perfume.

    she smiles.

    he says, i cannot afford that perfume.

    when they get out he slides me a five dollar bill.

    liver friends.