nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, June 24, 2017

    my cookie has expired 

    sort of a perfect day

    one ride after another, little ones, long ones,

    profitable, not worth it

    a cancel from an elusive good one.

    two teenage you tube stars;

    a vegas cocktail waitress heading home after a mid week soiree with a new love;

    dude picking up his girlfriend for a romantico italiano dinner on their one year anniversary

    another dude who had been hanging at a high price veggie and fruit store

    said he goes there on friday nights and drinks coffee

    because models shop there.

    (which is true)

    then two PR peeps who told me about the last time they were actually star struck.

    one of the youtube stars had just recorded a song i said is it on apple she was all yes

    blushing in the backseat, her bff laughing saying i know all the words

    i held my phone and said PLAY SIERRA JUST THIS MOMENT

    and it found it and

    this girl sang soooo — like she was 30.

    this girl was 17.

    i said quit school.

    she said i wanna learn production.

    i said fall in love, and write a song a day like what andy warhol told lou reed

    and when you break up write three a day.

  2. Sunday, June 18, 2017

    picked up a beautiful woman in a high cut black dress 

    in a good part of town. i had just washed my car. and i was thinking about putting on jazz.

    as she approached she seemed younger than 30 so i switched over to todays sounds, sung by women, mostly.

    she got in and we hit it off immediately. she was going to a graduation party for some of her fellow med students.

    i had a soon-to-be surgeon in the back seat.

    i asked her how come in movies theyre always cutting off peoples legs.

    she said if you get an infection and it screws with the main blood flow or the big bone, then your leg dies anyways and there you are with a dead leg.

    so you my as well cut the damn thing off.

    the earlier the better.

    she said back in the day, the kings would be fragile from other dumb things that they did in medicine back then and they’d break a leg and it would just die there. but no one had the guts to tell the king, dude, your leg is dead, it smells, and every time your butler pulls out the footstool, IT STINKS UP THE JOINT

    one of the leading causes of old school leg deaths: too much sugar leading to diabetes.

    i was sipping on a super big gulp of Classic Coke at the time.

    rolled down the window and threw it right into the traffic.

    im telling you, i learn something with every trip.

  3. Friday, June 16, 2017

    had a great night driving last night 

    started later than normal but heres what i have learned about control: aint no such thing.

    driving around fairfax picked up a native american which in canada they call First Nation

    she was from canada – outside vancouver.

    do you know of Matthew Good? i ask. “yes!” she says excitedly.

    then, “is he from vancouver?”

    took her to the Hollywood Bowl to see Phoenix. i think she was going alone.

    got on the wrong side of the traffic jam so i headed toward Universal Studios. i figured i might get lucky and get someone leaving the park or a businessman hopefully trying to get to LAX from one of those hotels over by there.

    sure enough, a ping from a hotel. hot dam! when he waved at me with his shorts and cute girlfriend i thought oh no i hope they arent here to see Phoenix because that traffic was horrible.

    they were going to Griffith Observatory! whoooo hoooo.

    have you seen La La Land? I ask. the observatory is prominently featured.

    yes, the young lady answered scrunching her face in disapproval. but i didnt like it.

    got a couple of short rides and a cancellation that Uber didn’t pay me for, so i headed home, but kept the apps on.

    then around melrose and la brea get a ping from Sugarfish.

    probably a couple heading home after a little sushi meal. fine. whatever. who cares. cubs are world champs.

    dude says, 79th street, westchester. bango! ($28)

    got home and amber, who is crashing with me while she finds a new pad, had made dinner, got dolled up

    and had done all the dishes.

    i shoulda played the numbers.

  4. Friday, June 2, 2017

    what if ive totally lossed my mojo 

    the pings just arent coming out there in the luxury ride sharing world of your pal tone

    today is summer friday so they let us out early but i had to stay an hour late because im dumb

    when i finally got on the road things became so bad after a while that i flipped it over to

    regular Lyft and got pinged for all these tiny short trips that because they were in UCLA

    turned into long ass rides because driving through campus in the day takes forever.

    one ride was 1 mile and took 18 minutes.

    then i got these norwegians going to the westside pavilion.

    i was all, hey didnt you guys have a holiday recently?

    they were like, nooooo. i was all, sure you did!

    then the hot blonde goes ohhhh the 17th of may? i said yes!

    they go oh yeah we went to a festival that day.

    how do you forget that?

    then i took this dude from the grove to the beverly hilton.

    i was all what do you do? hes like stem cells.

    i said damn dude, well thanks for saving the world.

    then he goes, but i also sell guns.

    swear. to. god.

  5. Thursday, May 25, 2017

    got a ping about 7 minutes away, which is weird 

    because i was in my old home of century city and usually there are lots of other cars around there

    but things have been slow around there so i guess it has discouraged all of my competition. drove through the super tall buildings and then past Fox studios and then through the high class neighborhood to get the passenger

    it was Wednesday before Memorial Day weekend so i figured it was either a $23 trip to the airport or a little jaunt to a restaurant near Rodeo.

    but when i pulled up i saw the thing i most love to see: a latin american nanny waiting at the door and her employer outside with her making sure she got to the car ok.

    i love it because these are trips usually far away from 90210, and as soon as she got in the car and i saw where to i was thrilled.

    “we’re headed to Lynnwood” i asked.

    yes, she chuckled. and off we went. it would be a $40 ride, i thought to myself, maybe more.

    her english was great. thick accent but i could understand.

    i asked her why her boss was using Uber Select instead of regular Uber and she said that usually she takes two busses and a train to get back and forth from work but whenever the boss or his wife makes her stay late they will get her an Uber home. One night she got this guy who was a little scary. he drove really fast on the freeway and then at stop lights he started to fall asleep.

    she said she has been watching this rich man’s kids for 4 years ever since the oldest one was born. now there was a 2 year old too. she said she loved them very much and sometimes she gets a little too attached emotionally.

    anyways the couple decided to get a higher level car on those rare nights and i guess they could afford it because when we got to Lynnwood they were charged $77 and i got $50 out of the deal so i was stoked.

    on our way there she told me she was Guatemalan and she was married with no kids. she said most of her family had emigrated to LA about 14 years ago. her husband works in a warehouse as a fork lift dude. she says she speaks spanish to the kids she takes care of and they go to that French school on Pico, so they’ll be tri-lingual.

    when i was about to drop her off i said is Carson near here, she said yes, Compton too. but she said those places are no bueno but Lynnwood is mostly hard working families and retirees.

    she said it was mostly Mexican, which is too bad, because the deep fried Guatemalan tacos are much better and i should try them. i said oh trust me, i will.

  6. Tuesday, May 9, 2017

    the noises outside sound like rain 

    but theyre not

    the sounds inside sound like moans.

    but alas.

    drove a young lady last night from USC to LAX via Uber X because i was foolishly going for a $100 bonus and i netted $14.

    when you go from one side of LA to the other you should get at least $20.

    people will happily pay that.

    for years they paid that for Super Shuttle, a hapless extended van that requires you zig zag through town picking up other strangers.

    but you get tony pierce in a benz across town and tony only gets $14?

    i had just washed and vacuumed my ride.

    after LAX i thought about getting a snack at Kanpai but i got a ping at the Custom Hotel.

    three asian college kids probably from the nearby art school

    they were going to Gardena for some Taiwanese Hot Pot.

    they spoke foreign languages to each other. laughing. ignoring me.

    all while i said to myself, never chase that bonus again, its a fools game. just work on premium rides. you know better. why are you such a sucker?

    dropped them off in this super crowded strip mall which i’ll have to go back to because all the asian delicacies seemed delicious. thus the crowds.

    got back on the 110 to DTLA when i got a phone call 20 minutes after i had left Gardena.

    “my girlfriend left her wallet in your car.”


    “it’s pink. can you return it.”

    the whole time i was thinking: how do you not know for 20 minutes that you left your pink wallet in the back seat of a car?

    “i’ll pay you $20.”

    so i turned around.

    cursing myself. hating my life. thinking about the Churches Chicken i passed twice.

    knowing i wouldnt pass it a third without stopping.

  7. Friday, April 28, 2017

    right before he snapped this picture 

    this dude told sam jackson

    hey, pose how you really feel about this right now.

    last night i had to hit the number so i went out to usc to get it done

    because creativity is so subjective, it’s nice to have a few elements in life that are

    all scoreboard.

    so on certain things, like number of trips in three days,

    it’s irresistible to have some goals out there.

    the goal was 35 in 3 days, which is easy if youre a full time driver

    and not so easy if you have a real job and you wanna do it in, say, 10 hours.

    went over there on wednesday night, did 22 rides, so i had to do 13 yesterday, nbd, right? but the word has gotten out with uber drivers that if you’re not doing so well, head over to sc on the last day of the bonus and finish the job

    so there were waaaay more drivers than kids so after two hours i was not even close to finishing.

    and it was windy, and it was weird.

    the devil santa ana winds whippin dirt and dust and giant hardened palm fronds itching to scratch a nice car that has no business being there in south central

    playing a fools game.

    so i thought like a fool, and drove the other way.

    it’s true i dont do things like everyone

    but very few have the numbers i have.

    last night i did my 4,000th lifetime trip to hit the goal.

    4.98 driver rating

    and i think about that .02


    with that same exact

    sam jackson face.

  8. Wednesday, April 19, 2017

    in the days of chimpanzees 

    fucked up and took an uber x ping while 6 rides short of the goal

    i figured, how far could this ride from the freshman dorm be?

    how about brentwood?

    good news, it turned out to be three of the sweetest sorority girls ever who were making the half hour trip to get some frozen yogurt for one of their sisters who lost a house election.

    apparently the Bigg Chill on olympic is magic.

    took a nice jewish lady from a passover party to her moms house by the fox hills mall

    then headed to the 10 so i could get back over to sc but made a pit stop at the jack in the box to get a deep fried chicken guacamole bacon sandwich with curly fries and a coke. did i mention i went to the doc this morning for my check up and ive lost like 8 pounds lately.

    pretty girl today asked why i never work out.

    i said if the xbi knows youre in shape they’ll trick you into working for them.

    picked up three rich ladies in culver city, uber select. all moms talking about their kids and what they’ll eat, how they shower, what to do about book bags (pack them for them, sigh)

    about 10 years ago they started building houses in these hills above brentwood and across the 405 near bel air. i dont know why they never built any houses there before but for some reason LA never figured it out until recently.

    id never been up in there. gated community. way more houses than i expected. close together. huge trees everywhere though. dropped off one of the ladies and the other two talked to each other about food.

    one was saying how she and her husband were vegans before having kids and now theyre at the mercy of them. theyve begun eating way too much red meat, she said. one of the kids doesnt like chicken. and fish you gotta be careful about. especially from japan. and shrimp, forget about it. and who can trust tofu?

    she wants to get them way more into beans.

    i could smell the remaining half of my jack in the box wafting from the trunk.

    like a captive, quietly knocking

    eat me



  9. Monday, April 17, 2017

    some people you click with, some take time 

    some of them it only works in the sack

    some of them only works at work

    some of them on virtually



    but the ones i find the most interesting are the ones where you both sorta hate each other

    and yet you end up together for years.

    uber does this thing where they lie to you. they lie at you, specifically. frankly, and it happens so often that you dont even know when theyre telling the truth, to the point that sometimes you end up with someone telling you the straight up truth and it seems so weird that you dont believe it. literally you dont believe it.

    the other day someone wrote me after i wrote them and they basically said, oh no, we are INTENDING to rip you drivers off.

    because it was clearly from someone who understood the situation perfectly and because none of the lines were preprogrammed cookie cutter like 99% of the correspondences i get from them, my reaction was “oh”

    instead of WTF

    but now we have to go back to the pretend game that they didnt say what they did, which is sad, because if there was an actual person on the end of my monthly emails to them, theyd probably stop.

    they are one of those companies that you say to yourself, if they last thru 2020 i’ll be shocked

  10. Saturday, April 15, 2017

    one of these days the luck will run out 

    the pretty girls will stop coming over

    and doing pretty girl things.

    the hits will dry up.

    all my hair will fall out.

    and i’ll stop learning.

    but last night one thing led to another and i was able to rid my bedroom of cats for just long enough, to do what i have been studying all these many years.

    and when it was over, i gave her a pillow shaped as a poo emoji and i sat on my couch and said, great, now what?

    it was then i decided to move my car from a block away to in front of my house.

    and then i realized i was hungry. and then i realized it was friday night and all the other ubers were probs in coachella, maybe i should fill the void and ubes around LA with a funny little smile on my face.

    and so i did. i didnt really need to get a weekend bonus. it was so small, why bother, but then i figured, it’s there, if i can get it in 3 hours then perfect. otherwise who cares.

    so i drove and i was very close to getting it. i was two rides away. but i was getting sleepy.

    the passenger had purple hair. she told me about where we were headed, Koreatown. she had moved here from Ohio with her black boyfriend. important because in ohio she said they were discriminated against.

    here they were treated just as badly as anyone else in her apartment and she loved that but did not love: the cockroaches, the fact that she never gets hot water in the shower, or the fact that an upstairs neighbor dumped urine out the window and the building manager did nothing.

    dropped her off and i only had one more to go. K Town was about 15 minutes from my house. Let’s hope for a short one. When it came it was something on Wilshire. I was tempted to do the Bad Driver trick of accepting the ride and starting it before the passenger got into the car to check to see where the destination was — and then cancelling if it was too far — but i’m a good boy and good things always seem to come to me when i am good, so i found the woman, who seemed to be stumbling in the streets and allowed her into my car.

    come to find out she was headed to Pacific Palisades: a good half hour to the west. It would be an hour roundtrip, all for $18. but i did it. why not. i love the beach. i love LA. she didnt barf. she fell asleep a half dozen times. we didnt talk. i played 80s music. the roads were empty. it was 1am. Sunset all the way home. no one was out.

    note to self: if anyone wants to vacation in LA, find a weekend when Easter, Passover and Coachella are all going down, not only is there little traffic, but i bet every hotel has a vacant room or two.