nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, July 25, 2017

    sometimes you should just sit right there 

    i never learned to rap

    or breakdance

    or sing in a way that makes the young girls cry.

    but i have learned how to deal with uber passengers who cancel.

    yesterday i was doing so well. first ride went from here to there.

    next ride went there to here.

    and then i cruised up wilshire from the beach past OJ’s to Bundy when ping!

    it was an Uber Select ride, my favorite so i did a U-turn and waited and she canceled.

    i was a little mad because there i was, clean car, vacuumed rugs, Sinatra on the stereo.

    so i looked to see if i was there long enough to get the $5 cancelation fee.


    but when i checked i saw that she was gonna be going to Atwater Village. which is a great ride for me.

    so i looped around again because maybe she needed to take a quick leak or smoke a bowl or take out the trash

    and in 5-10 minutes she would make my day.

    well, friends, she came out of that door 1 minute later and said are you my uber?

    i said sure am.

    she said can you cancel this guy then?

    i said no but you can if you want.

    and she did and she hired me and we drove and $60 later i was 10 minutes from my home and i laughed and laughed and laughed

    but i still regret not learning how to spin on my head.

  2. Saturday, July 22, 2017

    you are loved you are loved you are really really loved 

    hot babes in LA are like fancy cars. everywhere.

    i dont think ive ever seen an ugly girl here.

    not one.

    had this slick young black dude from manhattan in the back.

    he was, “i did NOT see a bentley convertible just pass two Maybachs on the same block.

    i was all this is beverly hills. that doesnt happen here it doesnt happen.


    pretty girl with a dimple and light eyes says look at that im gonna be on time

    we were going from venice to restaurant row, across town.

    she said 30 minute ride? im normally late.

    i asked her her star sign.

    she said aquarius.

    i said, interesting thing about aquarius is after they complete a big task

    like host a baby shower or do a big report or something

    they feel empty.

    because they are the water bearers and their giant pot is now gone.

    i said, does that ring true to you?

    she said no.

    i said good astrology’s for the birds

    we were headed to the most expensive sushi joint in all of LA

    i said im jealous of you

    she said im jealous of me

    i asked where she went to college. i dont know why. but i always do.

    maybe because i just wanna talk about ucsb.

    everyone smiles when you mention it.

    she said usc. i said omg did you hear about your medical dean?

    she was all scandal!

    we bonded beautifully then sighed

    i miss college, she

    me too, me

    sometimes i think of all the books i should have read there

    i said, i still got so many of mine, still unread

    she said i dont think ive ever finished a book


    i said why do you think thats the case?

    she said, maybe because i feel sad after i finish things

    and then winked at me when she caught me looking

  3. Saturday, July 8, 2017

    saw mel brooks on camden in beverly hills yesterday in the heat 

    outside some store

    all these autograph hounds all around him with posters of his movies

    and glossy pictures.

    where do these people come from?

    how do they know he’s gonna be there?

    where do they buy all those Sharpies?

    and Mel just turned 91 last week. still out there giving the people what they want. if i only had a Young Frankenstein stein I would have been out there too begging him to sign it for me.

    but alas, i was driving around rodeo trying to get a nibble.

    even a short ride would be good on a hot day.


    floated over to westwood. got a ping at one of those wilshire skyscraper condos.

    in walks an old man and his youngish wife.

    we are going to the Grill on the Alley

    first he tells me to turn down the jazz and then questions why im avoiding wilshire.

    just take it all the way!

    anything you say.

    around the hilton theres a traffic jam. he still directs me.

    i try to change the subject.

    so what’s good over at the Grill?

    he tells me everythings good and the service is excellent.

    he mentions liver.

    i go, omg i love liver. do they serve it with onions or bacon?

    he says, they serve it with onions And bacon.

    i say i dont want to drop you off. you both must stay and drive with me. you for the directions and your wife for her beautiful perfume.

    she smiles.

    he says, i cannot afford that perfume.

    when they get out he slides me a five dollar bill.

    liver friends.

  4. Thursday, July 6, 2017

    it might not be for you, but for me Ubering is spiritual 

    youre out there swimming with sharks

    the people of Los Angeles aren’t the greatest drivers.

    they’re from all over the world, they have different ideas of what the rules of the road are

    they’re drunk, they’re high, they’re fighting via text, they’re taking selfies, they’re eating, they’re mad, sad, joyous

    and the traffic isn’t great.

    thus, if you don’t have to be out there, you probably shouldn’t because you could get hit, shot, enticed into a fight.

    the earth could open up and swallow you right in there.

    therefore if you ask me, you should trust your instincts. if you dont wanna be out there, dont go. if you feel trapped, escape. if you are solely doing it for the money or the surge or the bonus: i cant imagine too many good things happening.

    but if youre out there first and foremost to help the people get around then you will.

    if youre out there to be informative and loving and you are sharing the city with your passengers

    then very good things will happen

    sometimes even for you.

  5. Friday, June 30, 2017

    happy canada day, heres a great idea for Uber 

    Passengers should be able to Favorite their favorite drivers. Even in a 10 minute trip a connection can be made and you want to have that driver again. Unfortunately Uber’s algorithm only matches a passenger with the closest driver.

    However, one of your favorite drivers might just be 1 or 2 minutes away from the closest driver so it might not be that inconvenient.

    PLUS, because both Uber and drivers want those dolla dolla bills .. IF the passenger chooses to use their favorite driver, Uber should alert the passenger that the fare is multiplied by 1.5x as a “tip” to the driver.

    Would you pay 25% more to ride with someone who you actually liked enough to Favorite? As opposed to some random person who you might not like? Of course you would.  Drivers are the same way. I would much rather drive someone who I liked who went out of their way to Favorite me, who also is waiting a little longer for me, and is willing to give me a 25% bonus.

    This is one of those rare win-win-win scenarios.

    The kind that never see the light of day because not enough people read the busblawwwwg any mores.


  6. Tuesday, June 27, 2017

    super sad dude gets in my uber 

    im all, why the long face

    and he tells me.

    people tell me their problems all the time.

    only a few times do they ask, whats a guy who can afford a benz doing driving for uber?

    but this one dude the other day did.

    and i said,

    we can all afford a benz.

    ours is the Kingdom of Heaven

    but we run around all thinking that ours is the Butthole of Poop.

    ours aint any such thing.

    especially American ours.

    we have clean air clean water habitable conditions and we arent fighting a war at home.

    sure some of us get shot by cops or gangs or the occassional mass muderer but its not like jets are zooming around above us dropping loads on E Street

    we have such a bigger advantage to people in other countries, regardless of who our president is

    what color we are

    or any of our every day minutia that can drive us crazy.

    and i know at times it can feel like a disaster.

    words can be said and they trigger you like theyre the meanest words ever

    politicians can do things or say things or threaten things

    facebook commentors, bad drivers, junk mail from your credit union constantly trying to sell you insurance.

    neighbors, sprawl, the blind as bat umpires in the replay office in new york.

    or churches who turn on their sprinklers at night, every night, ruining your sweet car wash.

    but theres a reason the good book says and i paraphrase fuck the bullshit of this earth

    yours is the kingdom of heaven.

    some can say its a fake out written by the rich so the huddled masses dont rise up and burn it all down

    but thats too easy.

    the poor couldnt even read the bible most of the time, and most of That time it was written in Latin.

    and secondly point me to the politician or king who ever said,

    never mind the here and now

    lets instead focus on Paradise.

    not even one of the phony Christians in congress would

    dare go there.

    dude in my uber says, my girlfriend wants it all the time

    and i just want to sleep when i get home.

    and he starts crying.

    and that is what every problem sounds like, probs

    to the man upstairs

    waiting for you


  7. Saturday, June 24, 2017

    my cookie has expired 

    sort of a perfect day

    one ride after another, little ones, long ones,

    profitable, not worth it

    a cancel from an elusive good one.

    two teenage you tube stars;

    a vegas cocktail waitress heading home after a mid week soiree with a new love;

    dude picking up his girlfriend for a romantico italiano dinner on their one year anniversary

    another dude who had been hanging at a high price veggie and fruit store

    said he goes there on friday nights and drinks coffee

    because models shop there.

    (which is true)

    then two PR peeps who told me about the last time they were actually star struck.

    one of the youtube stars had just recorded a song i said is it on apple she was all yes

    blushing in the backseat, her bff laughing saying i know all the words

    i held my phone and said PLAY SIERRA JUST THIS MOMENT

    and it found it and

    this girl sang soooo — like she was 30.

    this girl was 17.

    i said quit school.

    she said i wanna learn production.

    i said fall in love, and write a song a day like what andy warhol told lou reed

    and when you break up write three a day.

  8. Sunday, June 18, 2017

    picked up a beautiful woman in a high cut black dress 

    in a good part of town. i had just washed my car. and i was thinking about putting on jazz.

    as she approached she seemed younger than 30 so i switched over to todays sounds, sung by women, mostly.

    she got in and we hit it off immediately. she was going to a graduation party for some of her fellow med students.

    i had a soon-to-be surgeon in the back seat.

    i asked her how come in movies theyre always cutting off peoples legs.

    she said if you get an infection and it screws with the main blood flow or the big bone, then your leg dies anyways and there you are with a dead leg.

    so you my as well cut the damn thing off.

    the earlier the better.

    she said back in the day, the kings would be fragile from other dumb things that they did in medicine back then and they’d break a leg and it would just die there. but no one had the guts to tell the king, dude, your leg is dead, it smells, and every time your butler pulls out the footstool, IT STINKS UP THE JOINT

    one of the leading causes of old school leg deaths: too much sugar leading to diabetes.

    i was sipping on a super big gulp of Classic Coke at the time.

    rolled down the window and threw it right into the traffic.

    im telling you, i learn something with every trip.

  9. Friday, June 16, 2017

    had a great night driving last night 

    started later than normal but heres what i have learned about control: aint no such thing.

    driving around fairfax picked up a native american which in canada they call First Nation

    she was from canada – outside vancouver.

    do you know of Matthew Good? i ask. “yes!” she says excitedly.

    then, “is he from vancouver?”

    took her to the Hollywood Bowl to see Phoenix. i think she was going alone.

    got on the wrong side of the traffic jam so i headed toward Universal Studios. i figured i might get lucky and get someone leaving the park or a businessman hopefully trying to get to LAX from one of those hotels over by there.

    sure enough, a ping from a hotel. hot dam! when he waved at me with his shorts and cute girlfriend i thought oh no i hope they arent here to see Phoenix because that traffic was horrible.

    they were going to Griffith Observatory! whoooo hoooo.

    have you seen La La Land? I ask. the observatory is prominently featured.

    yes, the young lady answered scrunching her face in disapproval. but i didnt like it.

    got a couple of short rides and a cancellation that Uber didn’t pay me for, so i headed home, but kept the apps on.

    then around melrose and la brea get a ping from Sugarfish.

    probably a couple heading home after a little sushi meal. fine. whatever. who cares. cubs are world champs.

    dude says, 79th street, westchester. bango! ($28)

    got home and amber, who is crashing with me while she finds a new pad, had made dinner, got dolled up

    and had done all the dishes.

    i shoulda played the numbers.

  10. Friday, June 2, 2017

    what if ive totally lossed my mojo 

    the pings just arent coming out there in the luxury ride sharing world of your pal tone

    today is summer friday so they let us out early but i had to stay an hour late because im dumb

    when i finally got on the road things became so bad after a while that i flipped it over to

    regular Lyft and got pinged for all these tiny short trips that because they were in UCLA

    turned into long ass rides because driving through campus in the day takes forever.

    one ride was 1 mile and took 18 minutes.

    then i got these norwegians going to the westside pavilion.

    i was all, hey didnt you guys have a holiday recently?

    they were like, nooooo. i was all, sure you did!

    then the hot blonde goes ohhhh the 17th of may? i said yes!

    they go oh yeah we went to a festival that day.

    how do you forget that?

    then i took this dude from the grove to the beverly hilton.

    i was all what do you do? hes like stem cells.

    i said damn dude, well thanks for saving the world.

    then he goes, but i also sell guns.

    swear. to. god.