nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, March 18, 2017

    way down in louisiana down in new orleans 

    drove a fancy dj girl around a little today

    she told me she had gotten food poisoning from Cafe Gratitude

    probably because they dont cook anything over there.

    she asked, what are you playing?

    i said, its the day after St. Paddys so i figured something chill

    incase you had a hangover

    she asked what is it what is it?

    i said Wes Montgomery from his Blue Note era.

    she said i love Wes Montgomery

    so i turned it up a little.

  2. Friday, March 10, 2017

    drove a guy named mario the other day 

    he told me marriage is a suckers game

    told me he met this woman who turned out was super rich because her dad owned a building in DTLA

    and when he died she got it

    and it brought in $100k a month.

    he said she bought so many shoes they needed their own bedroom. there were purses everywhere. after a while they stopped having sex so he was all, i want a divorce. secretly he was thinking maybe he would get some of this cash because he sure as hell wasnt making $100k a month.

    but in the divorce settlement it turned out that because that money went through a trust, it didn’t count as income for her in divorce court

    indeed in that court it appeared she had zero income,

    so he has to pay her alimony.

    he’s a baker.

    he told me: just go to hookers. it’s cheaper and better sex.

  3. Wednesday, March 8, 2017

    its too bad we’re gonna die from global warming 

    because the weather tonight was like a summers day.

    drove this rich guy from beverly hills to staples to see the red hot chili peppers

    windows rolled down he told me he grew up in tel aviv, was in the army

    now makes deals.

    the whole time he told me about israel and how its the most advanced of any middle eastern country

    how it helps anyone who asks for it in the middle east and europe

    and, since we were driving down pico with the windows rolled down on international womens day

    “theres no better country in the middle east for a woman than israel.”

    i said yes, and that is my problem.

    he stopped what he was about to say and said

    excuse me?!

    i said, as a lyft driver, i like countries where half the population isnt allowed to drive.

    and he laughed.

    which was good because we were late for his dinner meet up before the show and i was

    flyin baby.

    as instructed.

    as would hopefully be tipped generously for cutting up san vicente

    and then he told me this

    he said:

    of all the cities i have visited, and i have lived here for years,

    but of all the cities i have been to,

    los angeles is the most jewish.

    in israel no one asks you why you arent keeping kosher or obeying the sabbath

    we observe the holidays because the kids wont be in school,

    but here people are serious – of course there are those who arent –

    but many more observe the traditions.

    me, i don’t care about your religion because all that matters is if you are a good person.

    if you are a diamond dealer in manhattan who keeps kosher

    but you rip off your customers,

    you should not feel proud.

    we got to staples on time, dropped him off at the ritz

    and remembered uber had settled up with me this morning

    so i could drive to echo park

    eat two delicious tacos from the best truck

    and pick up dinner at the 99 cent store.

  4. Tuesday, March 7, 2017

    im in a fight with uber 

    for some reason they wanna be in fights.

    their founder is in fights with everyone and swears that he has grown and wants to be all peace and love, but hes so not peace and love unless it hits the news.

    over the last 3 weeks i did over 100 UberSC trips. typically they rip us off on the fares and you have to write in and complain.

    after a little back and forth they write back and say, fine heres your $35.

    but when you do so many trips the difference isnt $35… in my case it is $156.

    so i wrote last night and explained it, as usual, and today they fought with me, first lying by saying you have to do this within 3 days of the problem.

    and then saying oh no we paid you soooo much money, which was another lie.

    when i replied by saying, take a screenshot of you paying me soooo much money, they said fuck it, go to the Uber driver customer service way out in Redondo Beach and settle it there.

    they gave me the hours, which are bankers hours basically. they do a half day on Saturday for some reason. why not a full day on Saturday?

    i wrote back and said, no! this is so easy, just pay me i gave you the proof! but they said no.

    so i started a brand new ticket, rewrote my genius, sent in different examples

    but concluded the same thing, you owe me $156.

    it’ll be interesting to see if it gets sent to different people.

    hopefully someone there will understand my dilemma.

    and with the money… i will buy a new tire for my car.

    in the meanwhile i will drive exclusively for Lyft.

  5. Monday, February 20, 2017

    got this rich guy in DTLA 

    he needed to get to a body shop on La Cienega

    it was an Uber Select ride, so i was stoked

    when i put the address into Waze it told me to take the 101

    but i thought, and i told him, shouldn’t we be taking the 10?

    he said, if Waze says the 101 lets do it.

    i thought maybe because of the rain and the sink holes and craziness maybe Waze knew something i didnt know.

    are you ok, i asked, when he told me about the body shop?

    he said, “funny story, my brother is in from out of town and he was gonna rent a car for a few days, i said take my Porsche, it’s a classic but i never use it.

    “so he takes it and as he is about two blocks home he looks over and sees this stunning woman walking down the street and rear ends the car in front of him.”

    i said, i did the same thing when i first moved here from Chicago. the women here are something to get accustomed to. he was all, no kidding.

    we get to where Waze tells us and the guy goes, no, this isn’t it. im like, it’s not? he goes, no its closer to Olympic (we were about 5 miles from Olympic.) i say, my man, I’ll take you wherever you want.

    so we keep going and we’re looking at the sky and its beautiful and he says, when i moved here 20 years ago the air was so terrible. regulations really can make a difference: smog checks, emission standards, fancy gas.

    i said you really dont hear smog jokes about LA any more.

    he was all, no you do not.

    and then we were there.

    $40 on the nose.

  6. Friday, February 17, 2017

    just because youre nice doesnt mean yr not the boss 

    she was all, i want you to do this thing

    i said you should probably change that verb

    to what?

    how about to one where you are begging.

    you mean, tony i beg of you to do this thing?

    i said thats a start in the right direction.

    she said, please tony, im begging?

    i said, keep practicing in that ball park.

    the sad thing about the world is there are very few leaders.

    there are repeaters, and they dont even do that very well

    there are followers, many of whom stray.

    and there are doe eyed believers.

    but leaders, especially those who know where to go and how to get there

    are few and diminishing.

    for some reason she wants to tell me what to do in my house and in my bed


    gigantic mistake.

    and proof she has been lusting the wrong white boys.

    brothers dont play that game.

    other day i was driving through a bad part of town. but crazy me, i forgot i was driving a benz.

    young dude, looked to be have hispanic half black, skinny, hungry, wild eyed

    he was sitting at the bus stop then he jumped up when he saw me not flinch when our eyes met

    the light was red and he approached my rolled up window. he tapped.

    i rolled it down a smidge.

    “whats your name” he asked and yanked the door handle

    knife glistening in his sweaty waistband.

    Death i said. meant it, and drove away.

  7. Wednesday, February 1, 2017

    last night a sweet lady on rodeo drive lost her phone in my car 

    it’s a pain when this happens because it screws up your flow

    if youre doing things right all of your mojo is about pick up drop off pick up drop off, keep it moving.

    as long as the wheels are turning and somones in the car with you youre making that money

    and i dont know about you but ive got a little bit of credit card debt that im trying to knock all the way down to zero and last week i only made $100 off uber, which isnt my goal, fyi

    so i was rolling. one two three uber select rides in a row. it was great. until i realized #2 had left her phone in my car.

    i had remembered what restaurant i had dropped her off in beverly hills so after i picked up and dropped off the screenwriter of Arrival(!) at the Roxy, i headed west to little santa monica to the new italian joint where she was dining.

    heres my problem all of my passengers look the same to me in the back seat in the dark.

    if youre white you look like amy adams to me. if youre black you look like lupita, my queen. if youre a dude you look like robin williams in popeye.

    so there i am roaming around in this crowded nouveu restaurante and no one looks like amy adams. so i double back and go to my Waze to see if her home address got stored in there. it was, sorta, it was a range of addresses. i get there in a few minutes, park, walk up the walk, knock on the door, husband opens, he is shocked that the uber driver is arriving, dont be shocked its busblog who was raised right. was sorta expecting him to slip me a $20 but no, thats ok. i mosey back to the car because giving back to the hood is really what its all about anyways,

    then today i get a phone call. i guess she wrote uber and uber gave her my number indirectly. she and i chat she tells me the restaurante is crap. i was all did you see Ryan Seacrest there? she said yeah he was at the table next to mine. i was all omg i was right there then. oh well. she says i wanna tip you. i say ah, just pay it forward to the next driver. she says no really.

    so i say do you have Venmo. she says no. i say ah. she says but i will get it! so i text her my name on venmo (busblog) (duh) and she flowed me $40!

    people really do win on MTV!

  8. Sunday, January 29, 2017

    dear tony, did Uber do the right thing by capping Surge for today’s protests 


    people are deleting their uber apps for a variety of reasons.

    today Uber said that they won’t have surges for people going to the airports to protest the Muslim Travel Ban. isn’t that a good thing?

    Not Travis

    Uber is hypersensitive about Surge and manipulates it – almost always – for the wrong reasons. This is no exception. Uber introduced Surge as being an incentive to Drivers to go places they weren’t at or go to events that are a royal pain in the ass.

    Most people would say that driving to the airport on a normal day is a pain. Imagine driving there today when protesters are making things extremely slow and arduous?

    If the Surge is capped at a low rate the person losing money on the deal isn’t Uber, it is the Driver. It’s the driver’s car, the driver’s time, the driver’s gas and insurance and headache – not Uber’s. Travis is enjoying a Sunday that will get him more “Booking Fees” than an average Sunday. He doesn’t care about Surge because he only gets 20-25% of that.

    If the Surge is too low, drivers won’t leave their couch. The best way for Uber/Trump to fight these airport protests is to de-incentives Uber drivers from taking passengers to the crowded airports.

    tony, I see your point, but it still seems like an equally viable explanation (to me) was that they were trying to make it easier for people to get there. Uber’s core value (I speculate) is not to help their drivers make money l, but to service their customers (and I apologize, knowing that you’re a driver, too, but their customers SHOULD be their focus). The screwing over of the employees not withstanding, might the corporate bigwigs not have been expecting a baseline of employee responsibility from their drivers and were instead trying to help out the customer?

    It’s interesting how in this case the same action could literally be taken in exact opposite ways.

    – not travis

    I share your belief that Uber cares about the customer. So do we drivers. But again, Surge inspires drivers to get on the road. Which would a customer rather have: no uber cars available or uber cars available at the same price as cabs (which is typically what an uber at surge rates costs)?

    Let’s say right now a driver takes someone from DTLA to LAX. What would inspire him to drive back to DTLA to pick up new passengers other than a generous surge? Nothing. Thus DTLA gets depleted of Uber cars, and the passengers there don’t get served. Surge helps replenish areas with high demand and fewer cars. To manipulate it, in my mind, does a disservice to all parties.

    if you are considering deleting your uber app, sign up with Lyft and get $10 off your first trip

  9. Monday, January 16, 2017

    i wanna say thats not joey ramone 

    but that equipment looks like the real thing.

    those are like four Marshall headers

    but who’s that on guitar?

    i ask because Joey’s neck looks suspicious

    wasnt he always a twig?

    even the hair looks like a wig.

    was listening to end of the century for a while and now im on the clash sandinsta because its my least favorite class record

    three albums of experimentation if you ask me

    aint nothing wrong with trying things out


    tonight i got an uber select call from a little mexican guy named juan

    we talked about tacos when i saw we werent going very far away

    i said ive been to england ive been to france but they aint got tacos. he told me i need to go to mexico city. i say so thats where the real deal is? he goes, no, you gotta go to the towns around it, especially in the south.

    im like do they have chips there and good salsa? he goes yeah. i say whats your thing right now?

    he goes i really like a good quesadea.

    he’s all, youre not spelling it right.

    i go, its not spelled queseda?

    he laughs and says, its not spelled that either.

    we were getting close to his house. huge craftsman right near pico and western. pretty much the house i wanna buy for zulekia and marry her and raise her kids at.

    dropped him off and he paused, dug into his pants

    now believe me when i tell you he looks exactly like a busboy and hes ordering mercedeses

    and tipping!

    gave me three bucks.

    and i was like muchas gracias amigo. and he was all later!

  10. Monday, January 9, 2017

    picked up a guy at usc who had a complicated knee brace 

    i was all, snowboarding?

    he said, skiing.

    i was like, kids still ski?

    he goes

    but before he could i answered for him, not well.


    id been driving for about two hours around SC. today was their first day back from break.

    after so many days of getting very few rides i just wanted to do like 15 or 16 in a couple of hours and get the mojo going again.

    did 22.

    this guy was the last one.

    he goes, hold on got my buddy coming.

    im all, youre the invalid and you got here first?

    his friend arrives with a jovial, hey cripple.

    i slide the iphone and start the ride. Arabian Nights? whats that?

    he goes, we’re gonna buy a bong!


    his buddy is like, all the guys on our floor chipped in and we’ve got $100.

    i go, what sort of flooring is happening in this dorm?

    he’s like hardwood.

    im all well you cant get glass.

    he’s like i cant use a plastic bong.

    i go dude one bong and an entire floor of freshmen dudes? that things gonna break.

    he goes, theres carpet in the rooms.

    and im well alright then, but maybe you should rubberize it or something. get creative.

    and his buddy murmurs, the old one did break. glass.

    i said SEE!