nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, November 4, 2015

    Dear Tony, What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing of Halloween in I.V? 

    snoop dogg with guests at the mtv vmasJustin asks: What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing? The problem is not unique to IV, students have always been treated with less respect and take advantage of by law enforcement or even the school

    1. Challenge any and all “ordinances” that are applied to IV that are not applied to any other part of SB County. Cops can’t punish you for shit you haven’t done yet. That is what a 6pm noise ordinance is. Challenge it in the papers. Shoot video of you interviewing the sheriff asking him how it’s constitutional and why it’s not happening in his neighborhood. Find out who wrote this ordinance and who voted for it. Wear their faces on tshirts. Name dirt fields after them. Create drinking games in their honor. And then call in the ACLU and Matt Welch’s Reason Magazine as they are the defenders of freedom. You are not powerless.

    2. Peaceful organized protests where you invite the media and get arrested. The real media like CNN, Los Angeles Times and  KCRW. A college town isn’t allowed to play music on a weekend after 6pm? How many times do they have to re-make Footloose (1984) till someone calls bullshit loudly and clearly? If everyone carries a boom box and marches around Isla Vista protesting the ban on music after a certain time and cute boys and girls like you are sent, one-by-one into an overflowing SB county jail BECAUSE OF LOUD PLAYING MOZART (seriously, Mozart, the papers will eat it up), the ordinance will be overturned.

    3. After you attend a Halloween concert at the Thunderdome by an artist first known for rapping about killing an undercover cop, and made internationally famous for singing about smoking weed and being a pimp, and then arrived at the MTV music video awards in 2003 holding dog leashes attached to two women: realize that the lifestyle that you should be fighting for is tame in comparison to Snoop’s, a man who has shown that you, too, can live the life that you want to live and you too can be successful for BEING YOURSELF.  Snoop D-O-double G told you about his life for an hour, you sang along, and then you marched quietly to your overpriced and overcrowded apartment and bowed down to those who love to oppress you. Be inspired by the music you listen to, don’t let it tame you!

    4. Ask the cops in the paper, on video, and whenever you see them on the streets “how can LA have several hundred thousand people march down Santa Monica Blvd on Halloween night, drinking, smoking, and carrying on, and there are only 3 arrests; yet when a paltry 500 walk around DP there are 28 arrests? WHY ARE YOU TARGETING ANYONE YOU CAN IN IV? ARENT YOU JUST FALSELY JUSTIFYING YOUR OUTRAGEOUS NUMBER OF OFFICERS?

    5. Only wear SB Sheriff’s uniforms as costumes next Halloween, next weekend, and  at any mass party that you organize. Add a floppy dildo as a garnish. You are college kids. Fucking act like it! I pity the cop who decides he’s going to arrest thousands of students for dressing up as The Out Of Towners that are actually ruining the IV scene.

    6. That student-run radio station that is never used properly: KCSB-FM 91.9 in Santa Barbara. Every Friday night make them play that ridiculous robot music that you kids love more than real rock, the kind St. Cobain gave his life for. Stream KCSB through your iphones and listen to it on your Beats headphones and DANCE IN THE FUCKING STREETS. This sends a royal fuck you to the illegal noise ordinance and you get to do the one thing you’re not going to do in your 30s: get laid after dancing. Invite the media to film the Quietest Block Party in America. And when the cute reporter sticks a mic in your face say, “we’d prefer to dance like every other free person in America, but [name the people who voted for and wrote the noise ordinance] passed laws that prevent us from listening to music in our own homes. We are not criminals. We are Americans who want to boogie.” And then put on your sad, brightly colored overpriced headphones and shake your ass.

    7. Start rock bands. This Halloween has proven that you are all too soft and coddled. Too many of your parents attended your little league games and dance recitals. And none of you can play guitar. This must change. Rock and roll will save your soul and trust me, your souls need saving. Learn the three chords and the truth. Once you have mastered the peaceful protests  and everyone is in a band, the day the ordinance falls every band needs to play on every block in Isla Vista. Because America.

    8. CHALLENGE EVERYTHING STUPID THAT LIMITS YOUR FREEDOMS GOING FORWARD. IF THEY DONT DO IT TO PEOPLE IN MONTECITO THEY SHOULDNT DO IT TO YOU. CHALLENGE IT IN THE NEWSPAPERS YOU RUN. CHALLENGE  IT ONLINE, ON SNAPCHAT, ON PERISCOPE, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, AND IN THE STREETS. Clearly no one else is doing it for you. Good! Do it yourself. And the power of the pen is still the mightiest weapon of them all. The pen is now also the phone. Use it or lose it!

  2. Monday, November 2, 2015

    500 people walked around Isla Vista on Halloween on Saturday 

    isla vista halloween 2015

    dear students of ucsb

    no one forced you to go to the greatest party school in the world.

    you coulda gone to cal poly. you coulda applied at long beach state.

    dont laugh, they have a fucking pyramid at long beach state.

    instead you chose UCSB. U Can Study Buzzed.

    and on top of that you paid much money to live in Isla Vista. greatest town there ever was.

    it’s great because it’s close to the beach, everybody’s beautiful, and the best parties are thrown there. legendary ones that cant even be mentioned because words are just dumb sounds compared to what goes down on dp, sabado, trigo and the others.

    103015-Isla-Vista-Halloween-2_mefrats are a joke, but especially so in 93117 because besides the town being super fun, the people who go to school there wisely reject the idea that you have to buy your friends and lose your individuality in a bizarre struggle of forced acceptance.

    fuck. that. shit with a 6 foot beer bong hanging from a rickety balcony.

    you have your entire life to be a boring disgusting sellout

    terrified of offending this one or that one.

    you will have decades upon decades to dress like a bozo and say yes to things that inside you dont agree with one bit.

    but when you’re in college you get to lose yourself while you find out who you are.

    it’s the expansion and contraction of the universe. and the universe is you.

    you get to grow your hair like you want, kiss who you want, dance like you want, think all the things youve never thought before, be in bands, try new clubs, eat new foods, meet new people

    and best of all dress up as something obnoxious, slutty or hilarious and walk down isla vista’s main street with your friends on Halloween

    and laugh and laugh and laugh.

    and laugh.

    unless you totally fuck up and forget you’re free.

    you live in america, fellow gauchos, the land of the free and the home of the brave.

    it is not brave to sit back and let the so called law tell you you cant play music after a certain hour.

    it is not brave to watch cops year after year come in to your town and treat you like youre some criminal, like you did something horribly wrong, like you are some slimy kid with no rights or lesser rights or temporary rights

    sheriffsyou have exactly the same rights as anyone else in this whole country.

    for example you have the same rights as the 100,000 people who came to West Hollywood on Halloween and dressed up and laughed and drank and smoke and made out and, you know fucking had a Halloween.

    three people were arrested in West Hollywood during the biggest bash in all of LA saturday night.

    28 people were arrested in Isla Vista despite only 500 of you walking around town.

    how is that possible?

    it’s possible because you are allowing it to be possible.

    it is possible because you are listening to the losers who tell you bullshit like “it is what it is”

    we’d be speaking french german or spanish if this country believed in “it is what it is” and thank God above we dont.

    we are americans, we are gauchos, and we are free.

    trust me, there will be more than enough opportunity for you to bend over to fear and take it and pretend it isnt totally humiliating

    for this brief period of your youth, i beg you,


    sure, some of you may die.

    but right now, hardly any of you are living.

  3. Monday, September 28, 2015

    the nexus chilled with the nexus yesterday and all was well 


    several eras of the daily nexus ate pizza, drank, and chatted with each other. some of us gave advice.


    my advice to the kids: stop going to classes, break up with your boyfriends and girlfriends, quit your jobs and devote the rest of your college life to the Nexus. they laughed, but i wasnt kidding.



    barb and elspeth were there with hugs for me to give to jeanine which was very nice. barb let us know that the desks that were still in the office were rejects from AS from the 70s.


    current EIC Emile, former EIC Amy and Barb posed while Todd Francis did his best Grumpy Cat


    the Babes of the Nexus posed in front of all of the bound editions that told our whole story


    the UCen was open and had some weird propaganda poster AS IF the kids dont know where the bookstore is


    Michelle and Doug hadn’t seen each other in decades someone told me, but that cant be true, but maybe it can be since Dougie has been in Prague since the 90s and Michelle has been in Mexico, FLA, Minnesota and now back in Cali.


    i told the current Nexus editors that i wasnt kidding: quit everything, dedicate your life to rock n roll and you too can wind up a bald man with clashing plaids and the greatest friends in the world. i also told them they need to be Periscoping the F outta DP and UCSB and that little bit of advice i have a feeling they might actually accept.


    in summary, even though it was delightful turnout, dont you think Nexus reunions should be about 50x more people? am i the only one who was touched forever by this amazing newspaper? if this was a football school we would have shown up for the dumb football team, but it’s a newspaper school. the best in all the land. yes it was fantastic that my era showed up in big numbers but what about all the other eras? have they all forgotten about where they came from? it’s a mystery to me.

    storke tower

    afterwards i went to the bookstore to get some ucsb swag and i got a text that joe kovach was on the phone at the office and wanted to talk to me. so i dropped everything and ran back across Storke Plaza and wow, i hadnt talked to him in a verrrry long time. he told me kudos for this and that and i told him kudos right back joe. i feel like we should buy a coke machine that dispenses little 10 oz bottles so he can keep it stocked. seeing him do that back in the day was one of my favorite memories.

    later the kids told me about some of the party games that they play now and it made me very happy.

  4. Tuesday, September 30, 2014

    when i got back from chicago the xbi had destroyed my apartment 

    10320523_10152713911683057_3237534527771076360_nthe internet doesnt work, my tv doesnt work

    they took the wires out of my house and patched up the holes but im pretty sure they just reinstalled new bugs and video cameras.

    it was a little stressy but fortunately i had an appointment to meet with this years editors of the UCSB Daily Nexus

    so i drove up to Isla Vista and i thought, why don’t i do this more often? it’s so close. and pretty.

    we talked for an hour. i was hyper. i always get charged up when im around them.

    the Nexus is only a weekly now, which makes me sad, but maybe they will focus more on digital and online more

    which are the jobs they will get when they get out of college, lets be honest. the first ones at least.

    walked around the campus. was inspired. a little depressed.

    then drove home. and began cleaning up the xbi mess.

    thinking about going minimalist with my place. started throwing things out.

    i know they want me to move out but i like to do the opposite of what they want.

    last night amber was sweet and spent the night even though i live in a disaster area.

    we had no tv so we just talked to each other.

    like the indians did back in the day.

  5. Friday, May 30, 2014

    behold the only photo of aj and i on the air on kcsb in santa barbara 

    aj and me on the air of kcsb in santa barbara

    aj had a metal show on like wednesdays at 9pm called the speed of sound

    so naturally i was in love with her.

    i had a new music show on at 6am on thursdays called good morning goleta

    marys danishi opened each show with a bible reading followed by a led zeppelin tune

    because it was 6am who the hell was up in isla vista?

    sometimes i would co-host the speed of sound with her because her show was in safe harbor

    meaning we could play records with dirty words in em

    and we had a funny little routine where id say something and shed make fun of me.

    or she would run to the bathroom and id throw on some gangsta rap

    (which had just begun as the years were 89-91.)

    and she’d come back and yell at me.

    it was the sort of radio youd have a hard time turning off because

    a) aj had the perfect voice and taste for heavy metal radio

    b) who knew what i was gonna do, certainly not me

    c) we could play songs that no one else on the air could because they were worried about commercials

    one day a band called Mary’s Danish, who both of us loved, was scheduled to play right outside in Storke Plaza

    somehow the schedule was shifted around so that aj and i could live broadcast the gig

    first marys danish came in and we interviewed them

    (to great success bc they were so nice, into it, and we knew their music really well)

    and then they went outside and started rocking to a huge crowd.

    it was a great day and this photo was taken right before marys danish came in to talk with us.

    today is the first day ive seen this picture.

    either aj is really sleepy or she was in love with me back.

  6. Thursday, May 29, 2014

    over the years ive written so much about isla vista 

    paddle out

    it’s a magical place with so much more to offer than the sex drugs and rock n roll

    not that theres anything wrong with those things.

    yesterday the students, who are mourning in a bigger way than i remember they did in 2001, held a paddle out

    ucsb paddle out

    two days after they filled harder stadium.

    ive always been proud to be a Gaucho.

    we are uniquely unique from most colleges, and not just because of the geography

    but sometimes, like yesterday, it all comes together beautifully.

  7. Tuesday, May 27, 2014
  8. Wednesday, October 16, 2013

    left nyc as the sun was setting 


    flew across the country and because al gore is amazeballs i got to see the dodgers beat the cards

    from my seat in the plane

    then got to watch the congress stop acting like pouty little crybaby idiots

    then got to watch the pouty little whiners on fox news complain that the president spiked the football

    because he omg said lets not legislate by crisis anymore.

    hannityduring my job interview the other day they asked me what news shows i watch on tv

    and because i didnt wanna sound like sarah palin i resisted saying ALL OF THEM even though that is the correct answer

    but my favorite thing to do is to watch Fox when the GOP bungles and watch MSNBC when the Dems f up

    i like bob shaeffer on cbs on sundays followed by stephanopolis because george will cracks me up

    fox n friends on the weekday mornings makes me laugh because theyre cartoon characters, right?

    muppets. animatrons.

    people forget that when i was in college so was sean hannity.

    and i was one of the few who argued that he should have a daily show on kcsb

    because even though it was the era of grunge we pretended that we were an alternative radio station

    my argument was whats more punk rock and alternative than this crazy conservative kid ranting about clinton?

    instead they played it safe and didnt give him a show, and yay we got a few more hours of reggae that no one listened to.


    the correct answer is i tivo the daily show, rachael maddow, bill maher and cbs2 because paul magers and pat harvey relax me

    and theres no finer weather caster than jackie johnson and jim hill is my homeboy.

    pretty much the best local LA lineup since fritz n fred colleen and john beard in the 80s.

    but because all of that was spinning in my head all i said instead was

    The McLaughlin Group.


  9. Tuesday, August 27, 2013

    todd canceled on me to go to the cubs game so i saw it at barneys beanery 

    cub fan barneys beanery

    in westwood because my man dave was all our bro is doing a radio show from there.

    so i went. it was fun. good beers (Racer 5), good fish tacos, and a few spicy wings.

    near the end of the game a pretty girl sits down at the bar and notices that im a crazy person

    and that i happen to be a cubs fan.

    turns out shes from indiana and would drive up to wrigley to see the cubs

    and now shes out here? why?

    because she is getting her masters at ucsb.

    something someone told me a long time ago when i was deciding between ucla and ucsb

    “ucsb is small enough that any alumni will instantly bond with you, thats not always the case with a big school like ucla”

    truer words my friends.

    also, always be a cub fan, and if youre a cute girl, always have a Cubs ribbon in your purse

    for no good reason, but its excellent proof that you’re just not hitting on the hottest xbi agent at the bar.

  10. Monday, August 5, 2013

    UCSB #2 in partying to Iowa??? 

    floatopia 2011

    These are the Top 10 “Party Schools” according to the Princeton Review

    1. University of Iowa, Iowa City, Iowa

    2. University of California, Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara, California

    3. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, Urbana, Illinois

    4. West Virginia University, Morgantown W. Va.

    5. Syracuse University, Syracuse, N.Y.

    6. University of Florida, Gainesville, Florida

    7. Ohio University, Athens, Ohio

    8. University of Wisconsin-Madison, Madison, Wis.

    9. Penn State University, University Park, Pa.

    10. Lehigh University, Bethlehem, Pa.

    Something must be done.

    #2 in anything is disgraceful. But in Fun? At UCSB?




    I say this is a dare to bring back Floatopia.

    Who’s beach is it anyways?

    Who’s life is it?



    Once those kids roll out of bed I hope they do something about this.

    Build on your history Gauchos!