nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, May 29, 2014

    over the years ive written so much about isla vista 

    paddle out

    it’s a magical place with so much more to offer than the sex drugs and rock n roll

    not that theres anything wrong with those things.

    yesterday the students, who are mourning in a bigger way than i remember they did in 2001, held a paddle out

    ucsb paddle out

    two days after they filled harder stadium.

    ive always been proud to be a Gaucho.

    we are uniquely unique from most colleges, and not just because of the geography

    but sometimes, like yesterday, it all comes together beautifully.

  2. Tuesday, May 27, 2014
  3. Wednesday, October 16, 2013

    left nyc as the sun was setting 


    flew across the country and because al gore is amazeballs i got to see the dodgers beat the cards

    from my seat in the plane

    then got to watch the congress stop acting like pouty little crybaby idiots

    then got to watch the pouty little whiners on fox news complain that the president spiked the football

    because he omg said lets not legislate by crisis anymore.

    hannityduring my job interview the other day they asked me what news shows i watch on tv

    and because i didnt wanna sound like sarah palin i resisted saying ALL OF THEM even though that is the correct answer

    but my favorite thing to do is to watch Fox when the GOP bungles and watch MSNBC when the Dems f up

    i like bob shaeffer on cbs on sundays followed by stephanopolis because george will cracks me up

    fox n friends on the weekday mornings makes me laugh because theyre cartoon characters, right?

    muppets. animatrons.

    people forget that when i was in college so was sean hannity.

    and i was one of the few who argued that he should have a daily show on kcsb

    because even though it was the era of grunge we pretended that we were an alternative radio station

    my argument was whats more punk rock and alternative than this crazy conservative kid ranting about clinton?

    instead they played it safe and didnt give him a show, and yay we got a few more hours of reggae that no one listened to.


    the correct answer is i tivo the daily show, rachael maddow, bill maher and cbs2 because paul magers and pat harvey relax me

    and theres no finer weather caster than jackie johnson and jim hill is my homeboy.

    pretty much the best local LA lineup since fritz n fred colleen and john beard in the 80s.

    but because all of that was spinning in my head all i said instead was

    The McLaughlin Group.


  4. Tuesday, August 27, 2013

    todd canceled on me to go to the cubs game so i saw it at barneys beanery 

    cub fan barneys beanery

    in westwood because my man dave was all our bro is doing a radio show from there.

    so i went. it was fun. good beers (Racer 5), good fish tacos, and a few spicy wings.

    near the end of the game a pretty girl sits down at the bar and notices that im a crazy person

    and that i happen to be a cubs fan.

    turns out shes from indiana and would drive up to wrigley to see the cubs

    and now shes out here? why?

    because she is getting her masters at ucsb.

    something someone told me a long time ago when i was deciding between ucla and ucsb

    “ucsb is small enough that any alumni will instantly bond with you, thats not always the case with a big school like ucla”

    truer words my friends.

    also, always be a cub fan, and if youre a cute girl, always have a Cubs ribbon in your purse

    for no good reason, but its excellent proof that you’re just not hitting on the hottest xbi agent at the bar.

  5. Monday, August 5, 2013

    UCSB #2 in partying to Iowa??? 

    floatopia 2011

    These are the Top 10 “Party Schools” according to the Princeton Review

    1. University of Iowa, Iowa City, Iowa

    2. University of California, Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara, California

    3. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, Urbana, Illinois

    4. West Virginia University, Morgantown W. Va.

    5. Syracuse University, Syracuse, N.Y.

    6. University of Florida, Gainesville, Florida

    7. Ohio University, Athens, Ohio

    8. University of Wisconsin-Madison, Madison, Wis.

    9. Penn State University, University Park, Pa.

    10. Lehigh University, Bethlehem, Pa.

    Something must be done.

    #2 in anything is disgraceful. But in Fun? At UCSB?




    I say this is a dare to bring back Floatopia.

    Who’s beach is it anyways?

    Who’s life is it?



    Once those kids roll out of bed I hope they do something about this.

    Build on your history Gauchos!

  6. Wednesday, June 26, 2013

    today is Robyn Bell’s birthday, it should be a holiday 

    robyn bellif you are reading these words it is partially due to the fact that many years ago i was in a Poetry 10 class at UCSB

    and i asked the teacher, Robyn Bell, if she could help me with a 14 page epic love poem,
    the stamp, that i’d written that summer while being an ice cream man.

    after reading it she said things to effect that it was very very good.

    and asked me if i always got bad grades like the one i was getting in her class.

    i said yes.

    she said, dont worry about that, many creative people get bad grades.

    then she said, as a matter of fact, i normally teach at a college here called
    the college of creative studies, where there are no grades
    or tests, or finals, or grade point averages.

    and then she invited me to apply.

    needless to say it was the greatest educational experience ive ever had
    in part because it gave me the confidence and time to do the one thing i really wanted to do:
    write for the award winning college newspaper, the world famous daily nexus.

    probably the finest college rag ever.

    many of my co-horts at ccs were inspired by robyn in one form or another because
    simply put, she is a magical person.

    i could try to give you examples of her personality and how kind she was and gracious and encouraging, but others are that but they’re of this realm.

    robyn has a spirit about her that radiates so many positive vibes that you just want to vibe right back.

    she will let you make mistakes, she will alert you of them, and wait for you to figure it out and make it better. shes got time.

    one thing she corrected me on was my juvenile use of the word gay and its offshoots.

    “i know your characters are often chicago based boys who use common, present-day language, but try to have them say things we don’t expect.” was a little tiny note, in pencil, next to paragraph in question.

    challenge accepted.

    robyn taught some of my favorite classes including a poetry class where every week we had to write in different forms: sonnet, limerick, acrostic, narrative, etc. it was the one class i didnt feel like i made the best poems. very challenging but robyn made me feel like it was ok to fail as long as i tried.

    during one of the classes she invited us to do something different for 5 minutes.

    she said, write the worst few lines you can.

    bad poetry pop quiz

    pretty much the funnest and funniest 10 minutes of the year. because after we wrote them she had us read them out loud.

    so in many ways robyn helped me learn to write better and coach better.

    i just ripped off her easy going, extremely supportive style and prepared for magic to happen.

    happy birthday to everyones favorite ucsb teacher

  7. Monday, November 5, 2012
  8. Tuesday, July 31, 2012

    today is matt welch’s birthday, hes 24 

    born in the bassinet right next to snoop dogg at the long beach memorial hospital many moons ago on this day,

    matt, like snoop, would maneuver the mean streets of the LBC avoiding the traps of drugs guns and money

    to follow his muse, poetry, which eventually lead to his career as a dj

    but the year was 1987 and white djs were shunned and with his flowing blonde locks, matt needed a new way to express himself

    so he sauntered up the coast to the college newspaper where he heard the most delightful sounds

    typewriters clacking, old milwaukee cans popping open, and young women cooing over the words of

    the whalens, a solomon, a hornberger, a collins, a dude named dylan and oh so many more

    he was at home.

    welch wore dresses and lipstick, opened bottles of wine for the ladies and took swigs for himself

    he pasted up the paper and wrote the headlines and spent a good amount of effort on the 4 sentence weather box

    to tell all the kids in santa barbara that the morning haze would burn off after school

    and then all would be 72 degrees and sunny

    matt would eventually move to eastern europe and (mostly) everyone would follow him.

    his guitar playing had improved and his singing was right on so he set up shop on a bridge and the tourist girls swooned

    and all was well.

    until he returned to america and took to the internet where he insulted the daily newspaper early and often

    they paid him to do it once in a while and eventually they paid him a full time wage

    and gave him an office.

    his beautiful french wife wondered if this was the american dream and it was.

    nice house, nice family, the freedom to be courageous in print, and the idealism to speak truth to power.

    the world tilted and now he is on the other coast doing fancy things like writing books and wearing ties.

    his angels are so deep that even snoop dogg is considering sporting a halos cap but because of gang colors he cant

    welch is thinking about working something out between the bloods and the crips

    so that wont be an issue come october.

    bonne anniversarrie, hippieman

  9. Friday, May 25, 2012

    this is my moms favorite picture of me 

    me and hillary clinton

    im not sure why im thinking about my mom so much today, maybe its the flowers.

    anyway once upon a time hillary clinton came to visit ucsb.

    i had already graduated but the xbi wanted me to stick around for some additional “training”

    and hillary came to stump for bill who wanted to be the next president of the usa.

    storke plaza was filled with people because at this point bill was the front runner.

    the xbi at the time was still in lust with former president reagan and asked me to monitor the speech.

    when i came back with this photo they were not impressed.

    “the xbi, cadet, is not seen, and not heard. we are ghosts in the machine.”

    they said if i ever wanted to be a full agent one day i had to learn to hide in the shadows.

    two years later i formed a band with greg from the wonderfuls and jeff from tsar

    called chopper one, named after the best xbi black helicopter.

    the irony of their instruction was lost on them.

    as usual.

  10. Monday, March 19, 2012

    the lottery is 241 million dollars 

    mega million

    figure fifty million goes to taxes

    and any good Christian gives half to charity

    and half of that to their mom

    191 / 2 = 95.5 / 2 = 47.75

    any good College of Creative Studies grad gives $8 million to CCS

    and even if you bought a couple $3 million dollar houses here

    and one in canada, you’d still have $30 million to live off of

    and start a poutinery in echo park.

    and of course buy back the rights to all of Tsar’s records

    and come out with a remastered box set.