nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, January 9, 2017

    picked up a guy at usc who had a complicated knee brace 

    i was all, snowboarding?

    he said, skiing.

    i was like, kids still ski?

    he goes

    but before he could i answered for him, not well.


    id been driving for about two hours around SC. today was their first day back from break.

    after so many days of getting very few rides i just wanted to do like 15 or 16 in a couple of hours and get the mojo going again.

    did 22.

    this guy was the last one.

    he goes, hold on got my buddy coming.

    im all, youre the invalid and you got here first?

    his friend arrives with a jovial, hey cripple.

    i slide the iphone and start the ride. Arabian Nights? whats that?

    he goes, we’re gonna buy a bong!


    his buddy is like, all the guys on our floor chipped in and we’ve got $100.

    i go, what sort of flooring is happening in this dorm?

    he’s like hardwood.

    im all well you cant get glass.

    he’s like i cant use a plastic bong.

    i go dude one bong and an entire floor of freshmen dudes? that things gonna break.

    he goes, theres carpet in the rooms.

    and im well alright then, but maybe you should rubberize it or something. get creative.

    and his buddy murmurs, the old one did break. glass.

    i said SEE!


  2. Saturday, May 7, 2016

    i tried an experiment last night but im no scientist 

    tumblr_nt9comvtZO1qa0rryo1_500had a couple of fun rides including this group that included these two i picked up at a swanky apartment complex

    they had both ordered a pool and it just so happened they were at the same place going to frat row.

    on the way the girl goes to the guy, where do i know you, i KNOW you!

    he says yeah i know you too, who are your friends? and i was thinking look how cute this gurl is we could be here all night as she lists off all her friends. but she starts anyways because whatevers

    finally she says who are your friends. and i was thinking to myself this is no way to deduce.

    he goes where do you work. she giggles.

    she says where do you work then she says OMG WE WORKED TOGETHER FRESHMAN YEAR IN THE LIBRARY!

    turned out he’s now on the football team.

    omg youre the kicker, right? she said.

    no, safety. but close!

  3. Thursday, September 18, 2014

    i was a special guest star at a usc journalism class last night 


    mr Drew Tewksbury who ive read in several publications like the LA Weekly invited me to speak to his entertainment journalism class at the famous private school

    id spoken there before but every time i go i get nervous.

    the main theme i told them is: in modern journalism no one really knows what they’re doing.

    we went over a few of the latest scoops and they were all broken by non-traditional outlets, typically digital ones

    ray rice, jay-z and solange, and most importantly the NSA.

    i said newspapers dont know what to do with that type of news any more so people either approach outlets who will pay for the videos or the sources themselves choose to deal with bloggers turned journalists (like glen greenwald) who wont spike the story because it might upset the government (something the new york times has been known to do).

    i said the good news about all of this is there are big opportunities for young journalists to break news as long as you are excited to work for media outlets like Vice, Buzzfeed, Gawker, and LAist instead of struggling to get a spot at a newspaper or tv station.


    not sure if that information actually reached them, the kids tend to keep their eyes on their laptops

    and they smile and they nod but do they understand the words coming out of my mouth?

    who knows.

    i do know that the new annenberg center for journalism is beautiful and wired and wireless and even at 8pm

    there were a lot of kids in there studying or maybe they were escaping the heat?


    afterwards i ubered a kid over to LACMA then picked up a guy going to sushi then took a young lady across town

    then had donuts with amber and her friend

    then watched the first half of the fault in our stars.

    i have a weird life.

    today we are moving back to our academy office in beverly hills.

    it has been remodeled over the summer.


  4. Thursday, May 15, 2014

    I don’t usually like ubering around USC 


    It’s usually short quick rides up and down Fig

    Or being forced to watch frat dudes be frat dudes


    But for some reason tonight was different

    Everyone was super sweet


    Even when I told the frat dudes that they couldn’t bring their

    Coors Lights in my beautifully clean car

    Ok fine they bitched as they spilled and guzzled

    But eventually they got in and we drove off into the super warm night

    As a giant full moon rose all over LA