nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, September 17, 2016

    even when we were poor we still had money to see concerts 

    chris joe and me at the dead in vegas

    this is chris, joe and i at the Imperial Palace in Vegas, May 1992 about to see the Grateful Dead with Steve Miller opening.

    the imperial palace doesnt exist any more. the dead doesnt exist any more but i still have that cubs shirt.

    that concert was the first time i ever really started to understand the Dead. i had seen them once before at the Forum but passed out due to an over achieving pot cookie given to me by a beautiful stranger who only asked for a hug in return. i didnt catch her name but she had long blonde hair with flowers in it and a day glow bikini top.

    because i didnt wanna pass out at the Vegas show, i only drank beers.

    you cant tell from this pre party picture but later that day thunderstorms rolled in right about the time the band started playing Drums/Space

    in one of the most spiritually trippy experiences ive ever had at a rock show, the thunder started jamming with the drummers and the drummers jammed right back.

    in that dusty weird twilight out in the desert, i was all, oooooooooooooooooh

    so this is the grateful dead!

    and then two girls with see through tops kissed my cheeks.

  2. Wednesday, November 25, 2015

    i dont think people realize, im very shy 

    the night before

    super true.

    the blogging, the journalisming, the ubering: it’s all ways for me to help me break out of my shell because if i had my way id just move to maui, learn how to mix drinks, and just work at a hotel bar and call it a day.

    why bother with all of this hoo ha?

    but i know that the good lord put me in this place for a reason and it isn’t to take the easy way out and get wrinkly in a tropical paradise and marry a hula girl and be a massive sellout.

    still, it’s a struggle when im at a roulette wheel sipping on my rum n coke and a pretty girl sits a few stools down from me and she smiles. is she a hooker? is she a man? does she have some terrible diseases? does she think i have a wallet full of cash?

    one guy after another sits by her and loses in one way after another and finally after they leave she scootches over to me.

    i like your system she says. shes been watching. of course she has. it’s so simple. bet one chip on black. if you lose, bet two on black. if you lose again bet four on black. if you lose again bet eight on black. eventually it’s gonna be black and when it does, take the winnings and bet one on black again.

    the night beforemeanwhile the rum n cokes keep coming and either the frat boys win big and leave with the girl or they lose and try to woo her anyways but, come on. yr a loser. and just look at her.

    she starts betting along with me. one on black. two on black. four on black, drink.

    she asks me where im from. i tip my cubs hat. she looks confused. i say the c is for canada.

    i think shes from japan, but her english is better than mine. id ask her, but im very shy and i dont wanna be racist. she has sparkly jewelry. i expect her big strong husband to arrive any minute but no one ever comes.

    she says, wanna get out of here?

    i say, whats better than this? free drinks, we’ve hit black like five times in a row, and theres a pretty girl who keeps bumping her knee against mine.

    she apologizes. more drinks come. i tip the waitress for both of ours. she was doing wine, now shes on to cosmos. if i wanted to get drunk id have ordered some shots for us but im still not entirely sure shes not a man.

    after a while she says, if you could do anything right now, what would it be?

    i say, what, it’s like 7pm? vegas. prettiest girl in this whole casino? tony pierce, fresh from canada with like 5-6 drinks in him? well, id see the new seth rogen movie.

    she says what movie is that?

    i say, “the night before.”

    she says the night before what?

    i say, i think its the night before Christmas. i think it’s a Christmas movie for adults.

    and she says, id love to see a Christmas movie for adults.

    and she did for about a half hour, and then she fell asleep on my shoulder.

    was probably a man.

  3. Tuesday, November 24, 2015

    my mom and i got 15,000 steps in yesterday 


    as you know, las vegas has always had, and will always have a very special place in my heart.

    ive been visiting here for years and years starting before i was even born.

    while in college i drove out here several times to experience Comdex back when personal computers were relatively new

    (god im old)

    and so as to see the Grateful Dead play with Steve Miller in one of the most spiritual concerts i’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing (and i wasnt even on any psychedelics).

    over the years ive been back for a variety of reasons including jobs, girlfriends, hospital music,  the xbi and reckless abandon.

    ive nearly died here at least once, and along the way ive had many many many memorable trips.

    i am here this time because my mom decided to have a family thanksgiving here, as she has never visited Sin City

    britney store

    so we went on a walkabout.

    first we headed to Planet Hollywood because i figured it was your typical Vegas strip hotel and casino.

    we walked through it real quick and then i told her about the strange shopping culture on the strip

    how every huge casino also has a giant shopping center wrapped around it with food and stores and bars and stores and shops and boutiques and stores and stores and stores.

    i told her that secretly the strip is the worlds largest mall which is why they let you drink freely


    next door was Paris, one of my favorites, where, if you recall, ashley and i chilled some 14(!) years ago. i showed my mom the pastries and she said they often look better than they taste and i was all, well we should see if thats true. but we didnt. we had lunch plans.


    we walked past the street performers and mom wasn’t at all pleased with the fake playboy bunnies and other scantily dressed women and i was all, everyone needs to get paid.


    we took a free shuttle from Ballys to the Rio for the seafood buffet but it was too early for that so we took a Lyft to the Wynn and my mom loved that even more than Paris. she was blown away.


    when she looked up she was all, hey it’s Colbert’s ceiling!


    for some reason i didn’t know that there was a Jeff Koons just laying in the hall. but lo!


    we stood in line for a minute at the Wynn buffet but the line didnt move and the lady told us it would be about a half hour before we were seated. theres two places i dont stand in line at: sxsw to see bands and vegas to eat. so we were headed out to catch another lyft to go back to paris when i saw this married couple at this asian restaurant at Encore.

    my mom loves chinese food and even though i knew it was gonna cost some good money i asked her if she wanted to try out some Ramen. she had never had ramen served right so she said oui. i got the bigass bowl of pork ramen and mom got a nice plate of salt and pepper shrimp and we shared and she loved it.


    the wynn/encore was all the glitz i think she was looking for in vegas. although she kept saying that it was nothing like what she was expecting, but i think thats cuz television and movies are full of terrible lies, unlike the world famous busblog where everything is true.

    mom at caesars

    so i was all, ok we’ve seen the malls at planet hollywood, paris, ballys, the rio (where i won some money from the robot lady blackjack table) and the wynn/encore, lets go see the mall at caesars the place that started it all.

    she was super amazed. she loved the “sky”, the street, and the fact that all of the luxury brands that she had read about were right there, next to each other: Louis V, Tiffany, Chanel, and on and on and on


    another thing mom wasnt crazy about was all the daiquiri and margarita stands. or the fact that i had a beer in my hand the whole time. one after another. i was all, ma, las vegas is a celebration of freedom. you GET to gamble here, you GET to shoot machine guns in the desert, you GET to walk around a 10 mile long mall with a Miller Genuine Draft in your hand that you tipped the waitress $2 while you were at the tables. and if you are lonely, you GET to have a former stripper come to your room and make sex with you. the daiquiris are sweet symbolism of that freedom. if America was truly free, none of this would exist here because it would be commonplace. so we drink to forget that our real towns are horrible shells of what the founders intended. so drink up.


    when we got home we got stared down by Babe who was ticked that we didnt get her a Shirley Temple.

  4. Monday, November 23, 2015

    just like in the xbi, there arent a lot of commercial black pilots 

    babe the pilot

    so when my family flew from chicago to vegas yesterday and they saw a black pilot they were all

    do you know tony pierce?

    brotha said who? they said xbi. chopper one?

    homie said, busblog?

    and, to quote donald trump, bing bang bong, our little angel babe was the new co-pilot

    and everyone got free popcorn.

    babe loves popcorn.

    so yeah, now we’re all out here in sin city, which is an interesting place for little kids to be

    there was once a time when vegas catered to kids, but im pretty sure that time is gone, thankfully.

    but i do know that its still the time for adults, so im gonna be a terrible uncle and stay drunk all day

    and then eat all night and get drunker. that way they know that booze is bad and they should stay away from it.

    life lessons from drunk uncle.

  5. Monday, December 29, 2014
  6. Sunday, September 1, 2013

    zsa zsa is in vegas right now asking where i am 

    zsa in vegas

    i tolder im sitting on my couch trying to read the bible

    she was all, you should be in vegas with us!

    i was like, duh. but someone has to blog on the web or it will fall apart.

    she was all, perfect – lets blog this shot!

    not sure at all what that means. or if it wasnt a typo.

    so here i am blogging this shot of her and her bff poolside.

  7. Wednesday, March 6, 2013
  8. Tuesday, March 5, 2013
  9. met a nice dancer at a food court at caesars palace 

    collard greens

    we were both eating alone


    are you here on vacation she asked.

    i was about to eat a lobster roll on the thickest texas toast.

    i said what songs do you dance to?

    she said michael jackson, tupac, biggie, aaliyah, everyone who’s dead.

    i said i came here to meet you.

    she was about to eat collard greens.