busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, October 20, 2017

    dear tony, is everything horrible, and is everyone terrible? 

    Tony,

    Long time, first time. 

    I love your optimism, but I just don’t see where you get your positivity?

    In my life I feel like everything is horrible. I see people doing hurtful, terrible things to each other. For fun!

    How else am I supposed to look at it?

    Signed,

    Wilbur

    Gentle reader,

    let me take you back. how far back? all the way back.

    once upon a time the Lord made the Heavens and the Earth and he said it was Good. for it was.

    then he made Adam and they high fived, named all the animals, and played a delightful game of H-O-R-S-E.

    in the morning the Lord created Eve, and Adam was all, fuck yes!

    God said, look you can do anything you want, just don’t eat from that one tree. You see all these other trees? Eat your faces off. That tree – be cool. You might not even wanna touch it. Capiche?

    Adam and Eve said, what happens if we touch it?

    God said, YOU’LL DIE.

    Adam and Eve said got it.

    God skateboards outta there and the next thing you know a freaking snake is convincing them to eat from the tree and when the Lord finds out he’s heartbroken.

    He cries and cries because this is the first time any of his Earthly creations did him wrong. He can’t understand it.

    He’s pissed at the snake and takes away its legs and kicks it in the head. it slithers away leaving just Adam and Eve to wonder what God’s gonna do to them.

    but all he can do is look at them and ask WTF people

    W T F?

    so are people horrible? kinda.

    is life terrible? no.

    life is beautiful and sometimes people do things you don’t expect.

    we all come from Adam and Eve who were the original fuckups.

    even their kids were dumbasses. well, one was, for certain.

    i don’t know how you want to maneuver through this river of deceit, but heres how i do it:

    i know it’s gonna be weird. so i expect the weird. i know some of it’s gonna be good, but im still expecting weird.

    when the good comes i take it all in because i know there might be some not-so-good around the corner

    and i don’t wanna be heartbroken the way God was when he saw that unpeeled forbidden fruit

    and that snickering snake.

    if life was Maddon football at the easy level we’d all be bored outta our gourds.

    accept the Expert level and keep playing.

  2. Wednesday, February 17, 2016
  3. Tuesday, November 17, 2015

    the jingle jangle of a thousand lost souls 

    rev james brown

    last night i had a very pretty young lady over my house. how does this keep happening!?

    first she tried to woo me over to her house by claiming there was a jack in the box nearby. good try!

    but i countered by saying that i wanted to watch my favorite film of all time, The Blues Brothers at my crib.

    she said k, which is french for “i will leave my underwear at home.”

    so i picked her up, we drove over to my house and as we parked an Adam & the Ants tune came on and i told her about the time I met Adam while i was pumping gas in Century City back in the day. when it was over she asked omg how old are you?

    note to self: never tell a beautiful young lady that you met an ’80s star in the ’80s.

    we got to my house and did what a man and woman should do on a windy school night and when that was over i turned on my xBox and purchased the HD version of the blues brothers because – as mickey roarke said in Barfly “it’s just easier this way.”

    i could not sit down. the blues brothers does something to me. it fills me with the spirit. she had never seen the film before and i wondered what she thought when the Rev. Cleophus Brown (played perfectly by James Brown) delivered his sermon:

    And now, people… And now, people… When I woke up this mornin’, I heard a distubin’ sound. I said When I woke up this mornin’, I heard a disturbin’ sound! What I heard was the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls! I’m talkin’ ’bout the souls of mortal men and women, departed from this life. Wait a minute! Those lost angry souls roamin’ unseen on the earth, seekin’ to find life they’ll not find, because it’s too late! Tooooo late, yeah! Too late for they’ll never see again the life they choose not to follow. Alright! Alright! Don’t be lost when your time comes! For the day of the Lord cometh as a thief in the night!

    when i turned around she was fast asleep.

    she had a smile on her face, but she was out.

    so i turned off the movie and since the xBox was on i dialed up NBA Jam and made the Beastie Boys play President and Hillary Clinton.

    i have the most fascinating life.

  4. Friday, December 27, 2013

    frost bandit, busblog man of the year 

    hopes santa dies in a fire

    at first glance one could easily look at wednesdays tweet from “Frost” and think

    this is why the terrorists hate us: we whine about getting an inferior game system

    instead of the amazing gift kris kringle shimmied down our fireplace.

    but on deeper inspection it had this blogger thinking

    in what ways am i like @FrostBandit, and how can i improve on that in the coming new year?

    do i look at a glass half full and think

    “glass? wheres my red solo cup”?

    i”ll work on accepting the good tidings with joy in 2014

    instead of complaining via twitter that it wasn’t exactly what i thought i wanted.

    cuz for all i know it might be better.

    so, thank you @FrostBandit!

  5. Wednesday, August 28, 2013

    hate at first sight: madden 25 

    madden 25this is a new series of reviews of things that sucked pretty much right off the bat.

    the first installment will be: EA Sports Madden 25.

    only reason i got this from Amazon for $99 is for the priceless access to all of Directv’s airings of the real NFL games through the upcoming season.

    normally to get that youd need a directv dish, about $250, and the ability to be in front of your tv on gameday.

    with this new Directv offer you get all the games on your smartphone, tablet, or laptop.

    which means if you happen to find yourself in a cabin in lake tahoe during week 13 and your baby says why dont you watch the game im gonna take a super long bath… you can flip on your laptop and watch da bears and da whoevers.

    like papa bear hallas intended oh so many eons ago.

    maybe directv cant just flat out offer this to the world as a stand-alone product,

    maybe they have to bundle it with a game so bad i threw it on eBay after an hour of fiddling with it.

    maybe they dont realize that this directv product is actually more valuable than its original product

    because its so flexible and convenient and now that things like Roku and Chromecast exist,

    a football fan would probably prefer the games on the laptop because then they can beam it to whatever tv is in front of them.

    not necessarily the one hooked up to their satellite dish.

    these be modern times, yall.

    which is why its so disappointing that madden football, one of the most popular and amazing franchises in all of video games, refuses to change with them and keep making the same bad game year after year.

    there was a time during the sega genesis era when each year madden would improve and delight and amaze

    and even though technology has leapt forward with time and everythings so realistic

    and theres so much more depth to the product than ever before,

    the gameplay has only floundered. and the options have only gotten more complicated.

    its especially disappointing in light of games like nba2k, which have figured out how to have technology enhance game play in sports video games.

    basically this is what happens when there is no competition: the product fails.

    barack obama, tear down this wall, and allow other video games to liscense the NFL brands and players names and let there be a solid challenger to the old and moldy madden which i wont ever buy again

    unless they throw in this amazing directv dealio again.

  6. Thursday, July 4, 2013

    i learned today that the xbi were not giving me headaches 

    canadian cheerleaders

    IT WAS CANDY CRUSH!

    how do i know this?

    a few days ago i stopped playing it to see if the headaches was from it. AND IT WAS!

    why do i think this?

    well in candy crush you sorta have to squint a little to search for patterns with colors

    and shapes and you have to look at the whole screen with your peripheral vision.

    most of your time your eyes and head dont do that.

    so even if youre only doing it for 30 mins a day, IT CAN GIVE YOU TERRIBLE HEADACHES FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAY

    so i quit.

    but i miss it so.

    and i think i might just have to delete it from my phone

    because im terribly addicted to it.

  7. Tuesday, March 26, 2013

    dilema of the day 

    nintendo deluxe including robot

    a young man who works at Best Buy received this perfectly good Nintendo Deluxe classic NES system with box and R.O.B.

    the customer was dropping it off so the big box store could recycle it.

    the Best Boy employee, who goes by the name “ipoopinthesink” on Reddit, where he told this tale, asked his boss if it would be okay for him to just take it home instead of seeing it get destroyed. the boss told him he would be fired if he took it home.

    so the young man took to reddit to ask advice from his peers.

    “Save R.O.B.! Save R.O.B!” someone said.

    “You’re our only hope, ipoopinthesink.” said someone else.

    someone else made this amusing mashup:

    you're our only hope

    ironically the moral discussion about what he should do veered into the philosophy of strategy on Fallout, a game you can’t play on a Nintendo system. The debate pingponged between playing the game (and thus this decision) between Chaotic Good, Chaotic Neutral, or Lawful Good – styles that originally were created in Dungeons and Dragons.

    “In my old game groups there was a popular alignment Chaotic Neutral Good or CNG (which people would make fun of by saying “Compressed Natural Gas”) which seemed to boil down to ‘I’m going to to do what I want and look out for myself, but whenever possible I’m not going to be a dick about that,'” someone wrote.

    but any way you look at it, the guy is probably going to have to steal the game.

    currently the best advice hes getting on reddit is to have a friend come pick it up by pretending his mom accidentally dropped it off

    but technically thats stealing too.

    if i was president obama id step in and give him a preemptive Pardon as long as he vowed to give it to a school or and orphanage or a museum or something.

    which is why obama should have a social media deputy of funk and hire me duh.

    update: Business Insider wrote about it and a few of the commenters are mad at him for exposing it before “the heist”

  8. Monday, March 25, 2013

    i remember hunting for quarters to play pac man 

    we’ve come a long way baby.

    not only in how we play video games

    but in video game criticism.

    not only is this review, which most of us will see through YouTube, well thought out

    and indepth, and filled with excellent writing

    but it’s deep.

    i cant wait to get this game and see if i can not quit after 10 minutes.

  9. Wednesday, October 3, 2012

    its gwen stefani’s 43rd birthday today 

    so i wrote a news story about her band suing and settling

    with the worlds biggest video game company.

    apparently they were mad that people could make Gwen sing dozens of non-Doubt songs

    like Honky Tonk Women whose lyrics include “I laid a divorcee in New York City/ I had to put up some kind of a fight/ The lady then covered me with roses/ she blew my nose and then she blew my mind.”

    activision has been sued over guitar hero and band hero by people like Courtney Love and Axl Rose in the past.

  10. Friday, November 18, 2011
     

    i suppose this is where Grand Theft Auto has led us to 

    And although it hurts me to see humankind treated so badly

    And although it doesnt seem like much of a “game” to walk around and kill stuff with seemingly no challenge

    And although the weapons and vehicles seem too good to be true

    And we won’t talk about the disrespectful portrayal of women

    theres a small chance i may end up putting this on my GameFly queue