nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, July 18, 2017

    theres fires in santa barbara right now 

    those hills never stood a chance

    it never rains enough

    its always so sunny

    rays from around the universe come to santa barbara all year round

    a sunshine convention

    everyones got name tags

    they get a little too drunk right around last call

    then the magnifying glasses come out

    and before you know it those light green and yellow hills


    i used to want to put irrigation up in the malibu mountains but

    everyone says sometimes aint nothing you can do except let nature do its thing

    let all the conventioneers sing

    let their voices flitter up to where they came from

    let their badges curl up

    and wither into the never.


  2. Wednesday, January 20, 2016

    we just had the hottest year on Earth ever 

    we're all gonna die

    we’re all gonna die

    i love you.

    enjoy Wrigley Field and Old Style beer while you can.

    and whatever you do, keep voting for liars who swear this has nothing to do with mankind

    and theres nothing at all that mankind can do to fix it.

    your bible tells us that mankind can do anything



    but it starts with saying oh fuck im sorry i was wrong.

  3. Wednesday, January 6, 2016

    we’ve had two inches of rain, maybe less 

    el ninoyet because of crap in the sewers and drains, we flood easily.

    why is there crap in there? because we hardly get any rain. we’ve been involved in a long running drought.

    leaves get in there, garbage, branches, guns, ammo, the courage of politicians, the dreams of the broken hearted, rock n roll, good turkey burger recipes,

    creative ways to bring back the record industry, the poor, all my cheap sunglasses, all the quarterbacks that could lead the Bears back to the Super Bowl, nachos

    starbucks coffee cups with pictures of Jesus on them, spider-man sequels, newpapers who actually try to gear their news towards minorities and young people,

    bernie sanders supporters, ron paul supporters, american idol viewers, half burned hoverboards, go cart tires, sissy bars, typewriters, atari consoles, the ideals of thirtysomethings who instead buy bmws and couches they see on pinterest

    craft beer bottles, hooker mattresses, jawbreakers, needle nose pliers, my afro, corded phones, freshly beaten fax machines, radio shack signs, lost balloons, circuit cities, dunkin donuts munchkins, white zombie cds, pens with erasers on them, good ideas by network execs,

    network execs, tom from myspace, all the bass players of smashing pumpkins, smashed pumpkins, barrels of kale, lost kittens, burnt couches, burnt hippies, affordable housing, the loch ness monster, the missing link, iraqi aluminum tubes, glenn beck’s career, everyones childhood big wheel

    remote controls, turkey basters, library cards, self addressed stamped envelopes, tupac, my left foot, the blogosphere and


  4. Friday, March 27, 2015
  5. Friday, March 20, 2015

    people come to LA because of the weather 

    from above

    or lack thereof

    i am one of those people.

    it baffles me how few people follow in our footsteps, but when i see how cheap homes cost elsewhere it makes more sense.

    im about halfway through my life expectancy and it looks like i will never have the barbie dream home my sister has had.

    but i also dont have the headaches she has, nor have i needed to marry a big handsome white guy to make it happen.

    still, housing is so cheap where i grew up she could probably have had a decent home without getting hitched.

    regardless, im satisfied with my 1BD apt and the more than awesomely great weather.

    would i like a fridge in the garage? sure. could i get that eventually? probs.

    could i get married to a wealthy woman and “have it all”?

    i can do anything, but i dont want to do it that way: i want things to be natural.

    you know, like hail the size of softballs pouncing on nice people at the beach.


  6. Monday, November 3, 2014

    bill belicheck gets dissed by the Weather Channel: repeatedly 

    bill belicheck is a surly mean cheater. but hes a football coach so thats ok.

    and his team, before his quarterback married that brazillian supermodel, won a lot.

    so his bad behavior was excused.

    winning has a weird effect like that.

    but yesterday for some reason he wanted to take a shot at meteorologists.

    as if dick butkis cared what the damn weather was. or lombardi. or sweetness.

    you line up and bash the guy across from you in the fucking mouth.

    the weather didnt bother belicheck on that snowy day when the NFL gave his team the win over the Raiders in the playoffs on account of the mysterious Tuck Rule

    only old people and whiners drone on about the weather.

    but when you do it on tv, and youre a prick which rhymes with Belechick the weatherman will strike back.


  7. Monday, May 20, 2013
  8. Friday, February 8, 2013
  9. Monday, November 5, 2012
  10. Monday, October 29, 2012

    shout out to my friends back east 


    my favorite kid ever:

    coors light?

    first there was a shirtless man jogging in a horse head

    which of course inspired this rollerblading unicorn

    speaking of animals, they’re so lucky they don’t have a doggy door:

    im hoping my mom doesn’t believe this picture is true cuz no way is that boat that small in real life:

    this one though, super real:

    this panda doesn’t seem to be worried about flying through the storm. dumb panda.

    karisa said you have to protect your house. this guy was all, cool, now im out!

    safe house

    im glad people have their mixes figured out:

    im glad people are still taking great photos

    just everyone watch out for the tiny but surprisingly deep puddles:

    stay strong east coast

    you can make fun of us when the big earthquake hits