nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, October 12, 2017

    cop shows up in my uber backseat, an undercover one 

    he has a beautiful wife.

    but as i have told many before, i can find out everything about my passengers within the first 5 minutes of the ride as long as they talk to me.

    it’s like that weird 20 Questions game you can get at the drug store as a stocking stuffer.

    whenever i pick up someone from a hotel i ask them if theyre in from outta town and usually they are. so i ask them where and they tell me.

    this pair was from Denver. they seemed rich. it was a fancy hotel. Uber Select. going to a fancy restaurant. so i say, may i ask you a question about where youre from?

    they straightened up with excitement.

    i said, LA will soon have legal weed. your state has had it and has made a billion in tax revenue in less than a year. that seems like a lot of pot. has it negatively affected your city at all? has anything drastically changed?

    then he revealed to me that he was a cop. he said that the only thing that has changed is more tourists come to town. other than that crime is neither up nor down. all is well. then he added this:

    “the sheriff and i sit on his porch and pass a joint back and forth. it’s nice.”

    he did say this interesting fact… that emergency room visits are up, usually from hotels, of tourists who buy edibles and eat too many of them and freak out. they get rushed to the hospital where they just have to wait for the THC to get through their system.

    i said, so if LA was to learn anything from Colorado it would be to pay great care to edibles?

    he said yes. make sure they are clearly marked with the dosage and each cookie or brownie or whatever should be equal to ONE DOSE.

    it was a very pleasant conversation and he gave me a $5 tip and then said

    I’d give you $4.20 but you were superb.

  2. Tuesday, November 8, 2016

    voted today cuz i love america and female presidents and plants 


    longest line ive ever seen at the church where ive been voting for the last 15 years.

    there were two lines for the two precincts that vote here. never had i had to stand out in the hallway before.


    you had to look at the voter rolls to see if you found your name. if your name was on the left you stood in line on the right.

    if your name was on the right you could just walk right in that door.


    i didnt like the fact that the church was politicking in a way with their huge board advertising a “drug-free summit”

    despite the fact that we were all voting on a measure that would legalize the “drug” marijuana.

    before i had a chance to call bullshit someone else called bullshit and they removed the sign.

    which is why i love my hollywood neighbors and why i feel good that everything i voted for will win.


    two things we know are true: if you dont have an I Voted sticker, you didnt vote.

    and if you didnt take a selfie of some sort it was all a dream.

    but it was really nice to vote for the first female US president.

    and weed.


  3. Friday, August 12, 2016

    i may not be a huge success but im not a fucking sellout asshole liar 

    head of the DEA

    this is Drug Enforcement Administration chief Chuck Rosenberg.

    just look at him.

    his whole life he has seen people smoke weed.

    he knows people who have smoked weed.

    but one thing we know for sure: he has never ever ever seen someone smoke weed and die.

    he hasn’t even read about it.

    but yesterday he got on the mic and said that, indeed, marijuana should be considered just as dangerous as LSD and heroin.

    heroin, of course, is a drug where if someone takes too much of it they will die.

    but Drug Enforcement Administration chief Chuck Rosenberg doesn’t want to do the right thing today.

    he doesn’t want to say, weed has never killed anyone. it’s easy to stop doing. and it’s easy to regulate.

    it’s as easy to deal with as booze or cigarettes, and in fact we could make a ton of money off sales tax and other sorts of taxes if we wanted.

    but instead of that we want to lock people in jails, and take their shit, and take their money and ruin their lives.

    Drug Enforcement Administration chief Chuck Rosenberg basically said yesterday that the laws surrounding marijuana are more dangerous than the plant itself

    and thats ok with him

    because he’s a fucking tool

    on the take

    just like his predecessor

    and the one before that one.

    this is the biggest thing im disappointed in obama about.

    because he fucking knows too.

  4. Friday, December 7, 2012

    what would you do if you found $175,000 of weed in your hot tub 

    cop does inventory of weedmack reed found weed and freaked out.

    he was preparing to get some solar panels installed in his home in Silver Lake

    and as the inspector was walking around with him to see all the things that suck electricity

    they went to his drained hot tub and opened the lid and there was a duffle bag

    filled with high grade, perfectly bagged, perfectly labeled pot and weed.

    mack is about to launch a new company, he has a home, he has kids, and he had that solar panel guy right there so he didnt have time to figure out how to sell the stash

    plus he was super worried that he would be confronted with the dude who the weed actually belonged to

    so he called the cops, who took their sweet time in getting to him, and they took it away.

    but before all was said and done, mack took a picture of the nice officer

    printed out the photo and wrapped it in plastic

    and made a sign that said sorry bro, cops took the weed and are keeping an eye on this house

    is that what you would do considering the circumstances?

    seems pretty smart to me.

    ah, first world problems.