nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 30, 2018

    pros and cons of working from home 

    pros: strangely less distracting as i never turn on the tv or radio. my home office is a quiet little sweatshop.

    cons: i miss all the people.

    pros: no need for pants!

    cons: i was getting headaches because my face is smooshed into this bigass macbook pro.

    pros: i learned that the 99 cent store has a generic version of Excedrin that knocks that headache into last week.

    pros: no need for shirts!

    cons: i eat way more.

    pros: but i am spending less because eating at home is way cheaper.

    cons: there are way more people at your work that you meet than you think, and i miss them.

    pros: if someone says, meet me at noon across town for that thing you wanna do for that secret project you dont need to ask permission or get time off, you just say hell yeah bro, and you’re there.

    cons: you’re out of the loop.

    pros: the loop distracted you from the things you really wanted to do anyways. the loop is overrated.

    cons: you work all night and on the weekends when you work from home.

    pros: sometimes your girlfriend is off in the middle of the week and you can hang with you as you work and that may be the best of all.

    cons: she probably misses her alone time at the crib.

  2. Wednesday, April 26, 2017

    am i cursed with pride 


    when you know you’re right, what do you do

    of course you stand up for yourself

    of course you don’t just roll over

    for those who lack courage





    of course you fight fight fight.

    imagine if david byrne said i have a dream

    and jonathan demme said, but that sounds like a nightmare

    would byrne have said oh, lets appease all of your darkest fears

    instead of reach for the highest star

    if he had his name wouldnt have been david byrne

    it would have been phil collins.

    be david byrne.

    and if you can’t,

    be jonathan demme and make dreams come true.

  3. Sunday, March 12, 2017

    tell us more about the 80s tony 

    it’s weird being the old guy in the office

    it’s weird being in an office

    it’s weird being at the oscars

    it’s weird still blogging

    it’s weird how wifi works

    it’s weird that this can instantly be published around the world

    it’s weird to think that some people, who could feed the whole country, don’t.

    it’s weird to think

    it’s weird how much my new tire costs

    it’s weird what kind of car i drive

    maybe we shouldn’t even day dream when we’re young

    because if you’re doing it right,

    nothing ever turns out the way you thought it would.

  4. Saturday, March 4, 2017
  5. Tuesday, January 24, 2017

    i made it 

    i woke up at 3am

    got in the shower around 3:20am

    got to work at 4am

    was eating delicious bacon at 4:13am

    we started our noms around 5:15am

    all was well

    now im exhausted

    we saw the sun rise

    everyone was happy

    everyone said how great everyone was

    someone said how many people saw it

    i said

    1.5 million

    everyone laughed

    now im eating left over eggs and potatoes

    god is good

    life is nice

    now im trying to get my butt back home

    so sleepy.


  6. Monday, January 23, 2017
  7. Saturday, January 14, 2017

    yesterday was elisas last day at work and patrick j dropped by 

    so a bunch of us went to Natalee Thai on robertson and olympic

    usually the primo thai joint in 90210

    a close second going to tuk tuk thai

    the place was packed

    they sat us in the back.

    when the food came out it was hot

    spicy hot like omg

    then it got really hot

    i drank coke. then ate rice.

    people were crying.

    i was crying.

    my sinuses cleared and a truck went through them.

    my ears cleared and i could hear again.

    hair grew on my chest. and my ears, but the fire singed it all, which was nice.

    i asked for a to go bag but

    i threw it out at work and the trash can caught fire.

    and then the fire caught fire.

    but its sinuses cleared.

  8. Monday, October 3, 2016

    mary came to my work today 

    maryand she dolled herself up real good to meet Oscar

    as you know she has a little fluffy doggie named Oscar so she wanted to meet his cousin

    i think she thought we were really gonna break open a case and let her go home with one, but instead of that i brought she and her smokin hot friend to our theater lobby and they took pics next to one of the giant statues.

    after all that nonsense we drove to lunch and mama mia how does mary’s boyfriends do it?

    this girl is nonstop energy the whole time

    funny jokes under her breath

    crazy schemes

    she knows all the movers and shakers. she has questions that she answers herself.

    she ordered a win with a side of ice because she knew the wine wouldnt be good.

    she asked for the salad because she thinks shes fat.

    i was all, baby if youre fat then all of america is fat

    ALL AMERICA IS FAT! she screamed and birds flew from the trees

    my fish was divine and every time marys friend told me her name i instantly forgot it.

    i kept calling her Juanita.

    Juanita is an Aquarius from Afghanistan. amazing eyes, great fashion choices and smart as a tack.

    i friend requested her on facebook and i dont think she will accept me.

    i dont blame her.

    i paid for lunch for all of us but when we got back to the car there was a ticket on it.

    mary was all, why didnt you put money in my meter?

    i didnt know i was supposed to.

    she said you drove my car, everyone knows the driver has to pay the meter!

    i do? i guess i do now.

    but it looks like our trip to vegas to see britney spears at the planet hollywood isnt going to happen bc they hate me now. and thats how the cookie crumbles.

    oh well, i still have my plantains in my doggie bag.

  9. Tuesday, June 21, 2016

    im going to miss a deadline tomorrow at work 

    safe in hell

    it makes me sad because i always hit my deadlines.

    but this is a different type of assignment. it’s long and involved. and even though we knew about it a month ago, i had three other assignments between then and now, plus i had to work far longer on those than i expected.

    and worse of all, this one, like i said, is long and involved. and i know nothing about it.

    and my stomach was in knots all day today and a little yesterday because of it.

    sometimes a situation appears in front of you and you know how to work with it. 99% of the time i drive i know several different routes to where we need to go if disaster strikes. thats why im always cool behind the wheel.

    in this scenario, i knew everything was against me. most of all, time.

    with me, there is often a little spark of magic that strikes when i write things


    from day one on this thing, a month ago, there was no magic, ever. it was all work.

    dig dig dig, polish, place.

    one sentence after another. it literally would take hours for a sentence.

    mostly because it has to be true. and accurate. and well written. and with proof.

    so you read read read. talk talk. google read google. then you have a sentence.

    i even talked to experts but they were on a different plane.

    our planes never intertwined.

    last week my plane and the other dudes planes were doing loop di loos together.

    any question i had there was an answer. anywhere i wanted to go, he was there too.

    it was different because he had little two sentence answers, which is quotable but i wanted to get deep.

    so i realized i needed several followups.

    this was harder. still is. i have tonight and i have tomorrow to see what last minute miracle happens.

    and hopefully i got over the tough transition today, but im still not sure.

    heres my biggest fear about it: i dont want kids looking at it while doing research if its not fucking great.

    as someone who dealt with less than fucking great materials when i was a kid,

    i dont wanna be that guy to them.

  10. Thursday, June 9, 2016

    i interviewed a great photographer yesterday for work 

    just be coolnext week we will publish it.

    he’s lived, in many ways, a blessed life, and i told him that

    he didnt deny it.

    he got to hang and work with warhol, mae west, groucho

    i asked him about new technology and did he adapt to it.

    he said he had to, but he also leaned on his assistants to do that sort of thing.

    he said he loves the dark room and thinks all young photographers should spend some time in there

    i asked if he still spends time in there.

    he said no.

    i asked if there was ever a picture that he didn’t take?

    he said i dont know what you mean.

    i said at the oscars this year i was running around trying to find leo dicaprio so i could snapchat him real quick for the kids, and as i was looking i saw sly stallone at the bar

    and he looked totally dejected because he didnt win in his category

    it had been 40 years since he was last nominated. and there he was with a beer on the bar. not drinking it. and he was looking right at me with his sad eyes

    and he was all alone. and i could have taken the picture and it would have been great

    the ultimate agony of defeat pic, but i felt so badly for him that i didnt take it.

    i said have you ever been in that situation?

    he said, yes, i was once having dinner with audrey hepburn…

    if theres one thing i love love love love love about my job and hollywood and beverly hills and LA

    it’s that people can always top my stories.