nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, March 18, 2015

    xbi was all, we need you in Chicago 

    cubs season tix

    i was all, are you getting high off your own supply?

    they were like, what would it take to get you to move there?

    i said, season tickets to the cubs, pay off my mom’s mortgage

    and make sure the average temperature is 69 degrees, you know, like how it is here in LA


    they said we can do the first two and thanks to the GOP, the third request is coming along.

    i said, great, when it has arrived, if there’s still ozone, lemme know.

    today i receieved the above. and i must say, it was tempting.

    i shouldnta opened the box.

  2. Monday, March 2, 2015

    because im a gazillion, ive bought several cars over the yrs 

    benza saturn right outta college

    then an explorer

    then a two seater quasi sports car that i gave to this poor black kid, which i just remembered

    d’monde was his name. that car smelled funny. not bad, but just funny. so fast.

    then i rode the bus for years and years.

    i dated some of the prettiest girls during that time, and started this very blog.

    for some reason waited until i was canned till i bought a nissan from yr pal ken, a sentra,

    and then gave that to americas sweetheart, danielle, down in san dieger because she was broke and i wasnt

    bought a brand new tits out camaro ss fully loaded because mid life not-so-crisis.

    traded that in for the uber mobile ford

    and then yesterday traded that for some german engineering, also for uber

    but as far as the xbi thinks, for them.

    they love benzes in hollywood because they blend in.

    theyre begging me not to transfer the vanity plates but i dont work for them no matter what they say.

    they’re promising me so much money if i just end the joke of an undercover agent telegraphing to the world that we’re right there.

    it would be like if an unmarked cop car had a license plate that said police on it.

    but crooks are dumb, as has been proven zillions of times, and half of them dont even know who the xbi is

    any more.

    which is another thing the xbi loves.

    and even though this ride is a step back technologically, navigationally, gas mileagely, and back seat actioney,

    it is nice to be lower to the ground and hear a damn engine again.

    desperately need the rear view camera fixed though because i got spoiled actually knowing how close i am to the car behind me is when im parallel parking.

  3. Wednesday, December 10, 2014

    how monicas mom is partially responsible for the world famous busblog 

    monicamany moons ago, long before i was lured by the underground santa barbara mafia, the xbi, i was a mere high school lad with an afro.

    on my first day of school i was nervous beyond belief for i had known all of my friends since kindegarten and never had problems finding amigos since i was the one newbies had to meet, not vice versa.

    the year all of our little junior highs merged into one huge supergroup, i was scared for several reasons. at the top was the fact that being one of a handful of black kids in a school of 100 was difficult, but not impossible. but being one of 1,000 was daunting to say the least.

    but then first period of my first class on my first day the prettiest girl i could ever imagine sat next to me and introduced herself as monica. i could barely get a hello out from my braces but after we did we became super close friends for the next four years.

    not only was she easy on the eyes but she was super smart and played clarinet in illinois’ best high school marching band. eventually she would convince me to join my senior year and it turned out to be my favorite part of my whole high school experience.

    next to sitting next to her of course.

    these were the days before cell phones and the internet and text messages and skype but there was electricity and landline telephones. and one of the things that i will never forget is trying to call monica at her home and having to deal with the family’s call screener, her mother, a very stern German woman who saw no good in young boys phoning up her eldest daughter, and made it known if not verbally, psychically.

    still we would chat and quickly the conversation would be interrupted, which was ok, because it would lead me to write her all sorts of notes in school, including stories and perverted poems and drawings, which later would lead me to a life of writing on blogs like this one.

    often for pay!

    so thank you monica’s mom, my success in the creative arts, is due, in part to you and your (rightfully) protective behavior.

    first day of high schoolbecause of the work i was forced to do via the xbi, i was forbidden to go to any high school reunions or keep in touch with anyone from my innocent past. but thanks to the miracle of facebook, i have been able to catch a glimpse of what has been going on with my longest friend bob, a few of my fellow general managers, and this pal or that. a few christmases ago i even got to reunite with a high school crush who first turned me onto led zep.

    when i returned to LA the xbi reminded me of how dangerous that was and i agreed and reluctantly passed on a milestone reunion a few months ago when i was in my old hometown.

    of the few people i would have loved to have seen was my dear friend monica, who reached out to me yesterday on facebook by friending me. i had no idea she was even on facebook, nor did i have any clue that she has blossomed into an even prettier version of what i remember.

    but what i really remember from being one of her bffs during those super important adolescent years is how important real friends are. monica was as genuine as could be, honest, sincere, and sweet. there was never anything up her sleeve, she was a good sport, and she was everything you’d expect from a midwestern girl who would commute to downtown a few times a month with her hot friend sonja to go to German class.

    one reason i’m rarely without my Cubs hat is to remind the xbi that no matter what ive done with them or what they hope to do with me, at heart i am a goofy midwestern boy with a dirty story to slip your way when you least expect it on the bus on the way to winning best in state. inspired and encouraged by mythical babes like monica.

    photos: above: monica today. below: me on my first day of high school 

  4. Tuesday, November 11, 2014

    hot babe in santa monica gets in and says how do you feel about taking me to redondo 

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo2_400i was all, long hair, dont care, plus you smell like you robbed a perfume store.

    buckle up.

    zig zagged through stragglers, honked at the stoned, rolled down the windows

    and felt it all.

    whats your day job she asked with an accent i couldnt immediately place.

    alaskan? new hampshire?


    i work for an undercover super hero agency that steals from the thieves

    and gives to the poor.

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo4_400oh, the xbi she said and i adjusted my rear view.

    she said, it’s on your license plate.

    oh yeah that.

    why would you give everything to the poor she asked, applying lip gloss and checking her work in a tiny mirror she snapped closed when she was satisfied

    because no one else is gonna do it i said and turned onto the 10 east.

    she looked out her window and yawned, every vacuum must be filled.

    is there a vacuum in your life i asked her, and turned down the pink floyd.

    yeah, im starving

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo3_400beep beep bop she excused herself and called her boyfriend.

    hey im in an uber, i will be home in about 30 minutes, should i pick up something?

    i hate hate hate making stops i esped her but it wasnt working. she wasnt xbi.

    chinese? how about something healthy for a change? no that place closed. i dont know why. they were terrible?

    for some reason no one was in the carpool lane of the 405 so i sped.

    they decided he would order something and it would be ready when she arrived. good boy, i thought.

    i looked back in the rearview.

    she saw me looking.


    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo1_400what are you gonna do when you grow up? she asked.

    i was thinking about doing red carpet interviews for VH-1

    she stopped chewing the gum she was chomping.

    how did you know thats what i do? she asked.

    everyone knows what you do

    i told her.

    and turned up the radio.

    cuz fuck growing up.

  5. Tuesday, October 21, 2014

    death rides a skateboard 

    death rides a skateboard

    xbi was all hey it’s your birthday tomorrow, what do you want?

    how about for you to leave me alone?

    LOL they said no really, a cake? an ice cream cake? a pie?

    i was all not seriously, for realsie, how about a year of radio silence, maybe three?

    they were like dude youre the best we ever trained we cant just let you flounder out in the world sitting on your assets like some hobo.

    i said whats a year between friends.

    we’re here to save lives and make the world a better place, they said.

    then we both LOLed.

    how about a skateboard, i whispered.

    you’ll break yr neck, they replied.

    i’ll wear a helmet.

    no you won’t.

    ok how about the iphone six plus.

    all sold out, how about the plain old six.

    got that already.

    what do you need the plus for then?

    fine, i’ll take a pie.

  6. Tuesday, October 14, 2014

    tonight imma fix my internet i swear 


    it gets me super mad when i cannot do things

    even when im not trained at it

    even if im not the expert.

    for some reason i believe what the xbi taught us when we were 20

    you can do anything

    we can all do anything

    but you can do it better than most

    always believe in yourself.

    even when it’s Game Over

    for it’s never Game Over.

    then of course they shot us but thats another, much longer story.

  7. Tuesday, October 7, 2014

    the xbi has a very clear rule about dating 

    armit forbids it.

    doesnt matter if you are a current or former agent. you cant do it.

    the theory is you the people the xbi go after are so ruthless that they would easily kidnap or threaten to harm a significant other in the heat of battle, and thus put the agency in a position of weakness.

    and emotion.

    weakness and emotion is what the xbi uses as leverage against its foes, not the other way around.

    there are plenty of escorts and other women the agency provides to agents who need or request tlc but anything serious or romantic is strictly taboo, off limits, out of bounds, and non negotiable.

    these things were shouted at me when i began dating ashley, chris, clipper girl, clipper girls cousin, the cuban, and especially the boss’s daughter.

    it’s shocking they even let me live but apparently the bad guys really believe that im no longer an agent or they think the knowledge that i hold is outdated.


    regardless, often i give women who i have fallen for emotionally the novel Pimp by Iceberg Slim. in it, the gentleman claims that being a pimp is the loneliest job in the world. while that may be the case, once you enter the xbi you are asked to keep your distance from your friends family and under no circumstances can you engage in serious romance.

    no matter how much you like them.

    naturally i have disobeyed almost every rule they have thrust upon me

    but they have their own special way of enforcing them

    and punishing my defiance.

    in the end, i understand that it’s for the best. but still.

    iceberg aint got nothing on us.

  8. Wednesday, October 1, 2014

    this is one of my moms favorite songs. covered by Panic at the Disco 

    my internet is still down at my apartment so i have to do posts by telekinesis.

    we learned “tk” in college but i havent used it in a while so it’s a little rusty.

    when i loved the xbi i suggested that once a year the agents should assemble in IV once a year

    and practice on skills they had learned but could use some brush up exercises.

    figures it has never happened. that group is way more concerned with money than professionalism.

    whatever, Panic did a pretty great job at this song, so thats all that matters today.

  9. Friday, September 26, 2014

    dude sets fire to ONE facility and causes a shut down of a super busy airport 


    and thus cancels a flight of a former xbi agent?

    said agent finds said dude

    who is later discovered with “self inflicted” wounds.

    “stop stabbing yourself, stabby,” he keeps mumbling to himself as he is wheeled to the ambulance.

    two things: why is it that our electrical grid is so sensitive that entire states can be wiped out due to human error?

    and how come the second busiest airport in america can be crippled because of one stinking fire?

    all these electrical engineers making all this money and no one knows about Redundancy?

    if the US was ever attacked we’d be doomed.

    if I was Obama, i’d fund one less air craft carrier and reinvest that money into the infrastructure of the good ole USA.

  10. Wednesday, September 24, 2014

    sometimes you get the bull, sometimes you get the horns 

    hospitaland sometimes your mom has to come to the xbi hospital hidden beneath the abandoned Dominick’s

    and shes not happy.

    “i thought you quit the xbi. i thought these were all lies on your blog. this is not right. THIS IS NOT RIGHT!”

    and sometimes the nurse has to assure her that everythings gonna be ok, that her son was needed, which is why he flew out to chicago when he did, why he missed the sunset strip music festival

    starring one of his favorite bands in the world, janes addiction.

    because there was work to do in chicago. sorta dangerous work. but work he was super great at.


    and the heartbroken nurses try not to cry while the doctors nervously smile.

    he’s an amazing agent, your son, the polish man in the white coat assures her. he chuckles like the black doctor in the simpsons. he tells her, “somehow he always knows what’s going to happen next.”

    “and whats going to happen next, mom, is we’re going to go to red lobster,” i told her as i woke up

    pulled the cords off my hairy chest

    and retrieved my bloody hawaiian shirt.

    some jackhole gave me a white sox jersey

    probably to see if i had all my senses about me

    and i whipped it back at him

    and they gave me a plain blue tshirt in exchange for my bloody rags

    and my mom drove me quietly to the red lobster on army trail road and we ate and drank water and she steamed trying to hold back her anger

    she gritted her teeth and said, your niece and nephew dont want to go to your funeral.

    i said, momma, even deaths not invited to that bash.