busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, March 21, 2014

    she asked me if ive ever been satisfied 

    te amoi said for like a year, two years?

    she said, how about for two months?

    she said youre like a shark always moving, but a nice shark, a toothless one.

    i said you need no teeth to eat mrs jim’s beef.

    she was all your jokes merely mask your pain can you ever be serious?

    i will be serious for one drink, senior, tequila s’il vous plait.

    what pain are you covering up, she asked looking straight in my eyes

    an old xbi trick.

    i said, i only have three sources of pain: the cubs, my regrets

    and the fear of not becoming an ice cream man guy in Heaven.

    she said i thought we said no jokes for one drink.

    drink aint here yet, bb.

    what do you regret. name one.

    i regret not going to prague with my friends after college.

    she said, well i can alleviate that weird black cloud.

    whys it gotta be black?

    she said, i can see into the past and you would have married a czech girl, knocked her up

    and youd never have started the busblog.

    i said, the world could have survived without one more blog.

    the drinks arrived, we clinked, we shot and she said

    yeah but you wouldnt have.

  2. Thursday, February 27, 2014

    probably the best part of being an undercover super hero 

    me and etienneis meeting the other undercover super heroes

    especially when they tell you their secrets.

    not the dirty ones, pervs, the awesome ones.

    for example, a few years ago, as you may recall, i met young ms reyes le blanc

    who told me one of her secrets about

    game face.

    most people, she said, think a good game face is all grrrrrrrrrr

    but they’re wrong, she continued.

    the best game face is, she said, and i quote, “DDD: delighted despite despair.”

    if when you’re totally stressed out and angry and freaked, she concluded, and you can pull out the NBD face, you become invisible to those who are freaked out – and thus, deadly.

    weirdly, one day later, something terrible happened to us and we got a motel room to collect ourselves and as soon as we got in there she said, quick take a picture

    but with game face.

    and it was not this one.

    so she said, look, pretend the hardest youve ever pretended in your life but for just twenty seconds. this is your job. this is a game.

    this is your favorite game of all.

    win it with a pretty sorta smile.

    go.

    and that was this one.

    and then we won.

  3. Tuesday, February 11, 2014
  4. Wednesday, February 5, 2014

    barfed up my breakfast because i ate a vicodin at 7am 

    dave

    felt dizzy around noon, then oh crap wheres the mens room

    and then thank god it all bolted out of my poor lil tummy

    and into the super clean bowl in the first rate movie theatre

    the ladies in the adjoining bathroom probably thought i was bulimic

    this is hollywood, after all, but no, im just straight edge and my bod cant tolerate opiates.

    and now i feel 1,000 times better, which is weird because this morning i was nearly in tears.

    a few minutes ago the xbi texted me “sure you still wanna feel pain?”

    i felt like replying “what pain?”

    but they can read my mind.

  5. Friday, December 27, 2013
  6. Sunday, December 8, 2013

    rob in vacaville asks: did the xbi kidnap karisa? 

    pin prick

    regardless of sorry state of affairs the xbi is currently in, at its heart it is a band of gentlemen who typically do the right thing in the service of others.

    and although their means for getting certain things done may seem questionable by some,
    the results are usually magical.

    at all times the goal is to do things honorably. even if that means stealing from thieves during a time out.

    cheating is not allowed. kidnapping is clearly cheating.

    thus the answer is no.

  7. Thursday, December 5, 2013
  8. Monday, December 2, 2013

    totally going to the doctor tomorrow morning 

    poohxbi’s been super sweet lately.

    a little too sweet if you ask me.

    my insurance at the academy doesnt kick in until next month but this morning there was a knock at the door

    it was the guinness book of worlds records with a camera and balloons and a midget throwing confetti

    and a guy on stilts dressed as uncle sam and a mule smoking a cigar.

    apparently i had broken the record for the man with the highest blood pressure in america without totally dying.

    xbi was all, dude

    i was like, hey can i please just enjoy my award FOR ONE DAY!?

    but they were persistent and said that they’d pay.

    “what if your insides are all rotted out and you dont even know” they asked me.

    i have no idea why my pressure is so high. my jobs fantastic. women are throwing themselves at me.

    and my new car is so fuel efficient it has been zipping around town solely on good vibes.

    the biggest stress of my life right now is waiting for my extra large avocados to ripen.

    i havent seen my doctor in forever. his secretary calls me anthony. im all fine as you is you can call me anything you want, but tony is what i prefer.

    i dont think shes ever called me tony.

    she might hate me now that i think of it.

    why would she hate me?

    he had this other nurse, she didnt hate me. but i havent seen her in years.

    anyways, totally seeing the doctor tomorrow.

    but if guinness thinks im returning that mule, they cray.

  9. Saturday, November 30, 2013

    the xbi was not happy 

    xbi in the garbage can

    DID YOU REALLY SELL THE XBIMOBILE?

    did you really just call it that?

    THAT WASN’T YOURS TO SELL!

    what are you talking about, of course it was.

    WE GAVE THAT TO YOU!

    i was under the impression that if something is given to you it’s yours.

    NO! NOT AT ALL! NOT WITH US! NOT WITH THAT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WAS IN THAT CAR?

    dude i had it exactly three years, i know what was in it.

    AND YOU JUST TRADED IT IN? FOR A… A… PRIUS?

    i didnt get no prius, bro.

    AGENT YOU HANDED OVER A CLASSIFIED WEAPON TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC

    technically, if you take me out of that thing, and if i take the secret stuff, it’s just another fast car stuck in traffic.

    xbimobile in the shop

    HOW ARE YOU SURE YOU REMOVED EVERYTHING?

    i’m pretty sure.

    PRETTY SURE?

    jk im sure. i even got the goods out of the tires.

    THE TIRES? THERE WASN’T ANYTHING IN THE TIRES.

    great then you won’t mind if i keep them.

    the lonely life of the xbimobile

    YOU REALIZE THIS MEANS WAR!

    this doesn’t mean war. this means pretty much the opposite.

    DEATH?

    peace.

    YOU WANT TO BE AT WAR WITH THE XBI?

    listen, you have been at war with me since the very beginning. i’ve just been sitting here.

    YOU’VE BEEN A VITAL PART OF THE XBI. THE CAPTAIN OF CHOPPER ONE. THE PILOT OF THE MACHINE.

    first day owning the xbimobile

    im just a loser in a cubs hat and magic shoes.

    ARE YOU SAYING YOU DIDN’T LOVE THAT CAR?

    love? it was pretty. but wasn’t it the xbi who trained us that looks are deceiving, and usually a huge fakeout?

    DOESN’T MATTER, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT

    xbimobile in death valley

    shouldnt? what about all the things you guys did to me and the other agents?

    IT ALL MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE TODAY.

    well you made this agent a pacifist, so great job.

    THANK GOD NOTHING IN HERE IS TRUE LOL

    dude the agency is selfish and unloving and based around fear and greed. most of us just wanted to help people.

    WE HELP PEOPLE.

    you abandoned your best agent when he was down on his luck.

    YOU WEREN’T WITH US THEN

    danielle in the xbimobile

    thats not what you said. rewind the tapes.

    THE TAPES WERE IN THE CAR!

    XBI driver

    good.

  10. Friday, November 15, 2013