busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 21, 2014

    death rides a skateboard 

    death rides a skateboard

    xbi was all hey it’s your birthday tomorrow, what do you want?

    how about for you to leave me alone?

    LOL they said no really, a cake? an ice cream cake? a pie?

    i was all not seriously, for realsie, how about a year of radio silence, maybe three?

    they were like dude youre the best we ever trained we cant just let you flounder out in the world sitting on your assets like some hobo.

    i said whats a year between friends.

    we’re here to save lives and make the world a better place, they said.

    then we both LOLed.

    how about a skateboard, i whispered.

    you’ll break yr neck, they replied.

    i’ll wear a helmet.

    no you won’t.

    ok how about the iphone six plus.

    all sold out, how about the plain old six.

    got that already.

    what do you need the plus for then?

    fine, i’ll take a pie.

  2. Tuesday, October 14, 2014

    tonight imma fix my internet i swear 

    halloween

    it gets me super mad when i cannot do things

    even when im not trained at it

    even if im not the expert.

    for some reason i believe what the xbi taught us when we were 20

    you can do anything

    we can all do anything

    but you can do it better than most

    always believe in yourself.

    even when it’s Game Over

    for it’s never Game Over.

    then of course they shot us but thats another, much longer story.

  3. Tuesday, October 7, 2014

    the xbi has a very clear rule about dating 

    armit forbids it.

    doesnt matter if you are a current or former agent. you cant do it.

    the theory is you the people the xbi go after are so ruthless that they would easily kidnap or threaten to harm a significant other in the heat of battle, and thus put the agency in a position of weakness.

    and emotion.

    weakness and emotion is what the xbi uses as leverage against its foes, not the other way around.

    there are plenty of escorts and other women the agency provides to agents who need or request tlc but anything serious or romantic is strictly taboo, off limits, out of bounds, and non negotiable.

    these things were shouted at me when i began dating ashley, chris, clipper girl, clipper girls cousin, the cuban, and especially the boss’s daughter.

    it’s shocking they even let me live but apparently the bad guys really believe that im no longer an agent or they think the knowledge that i hold is outdated.

    ironically.

    regardless, often i give women who i have fallen for emotionally the novel Pimp by Iceberg Slim. in it, the gentleman claims that being a pimp is the loneliest job in the world. while that may be the case, once you enter the xbi you are asked to keep your distance from your friends family and under no circumstances can you engage in serious romance.

    no matter how much you like them.

    naturally i have disobeyed almost every rule they have thrust upon me

    but they have their own special way of enforcing them

    and punishing my defiance.

    in the end, i understand that it’s for the best. but still.

    iceberg aint got nothing on us.

  4. Wednesday, October 1, 2014

    this is one of my moms favorite songs. covered by Panic at the Disco 

    my internet is still down at my apartment so i have to do posts by telekinesis.

    we learned “tk” in college but i havent used it in a while so it’s a little rusty.

    when i loved the xbi i suggested that once a year the agents should assemble in IV once a year

    and practice on skills they had learned but could use some brush up exercises.

    figures it has never happened. that group is way more concerned with money than professionalism.

    whatever, Panic did a pretty great job at this song, so thats all that matters today.

  5. Friday, September 26, 2014

    dude sets fire to ONE facility and causes a shut down of a super busy airport 

    delay

    and thus cancels a flight of a former xbi agent?

    said agent finds said dude

    who is later discovered with “self inflicted” wounds.

    “stop stabbing yourself, stabby,” he keeps mumbling to himself as he is wheeled to the ambulance.

    two things: why is it that our electrical grid is so sensitive that entire states can be wiped out due to human error?

    and how come the second busiest airport in america can be crippled because of one stinking fire?

    all these electrical engineers making all this money and no one knows about Redundancy?

    if the US was ever attacked we’d be doomed.

    if I was Obama, i’d fund one less air craft carrier and reinvest that money into the infrastructure of the good ole USA.

  6. Wednesday, September 24, 2014

    sometimes you get the bull, sometimes you get the horns 

    hospitaland sometimes your mom has to come to the xbi hospital hidden beneath the abandoned Dominick’s

    and shes not happy.

    “i thought you quit the xbi. i thought these were all lies on your blog. this is not right. THIS IS NOT RIGHT!”

    and sometimes the nurse has to assure her that everythings gonna be ok, that her son was needed, which is why he flew out to chicago when he did, why he missed the sunset strip music festival

    starring one of his favorite bands in the world, janes addiction.

    because there was work to do in chicago. sorta dangerous work. but work he was super great at.

    HE IS TOO OLD FOR THIS! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE COMPLETED IN HIS 20s! she yells

    and the heartbroken nurses try not to cry while the doctors nervously smile.

    he’s an amazing agent, your son, the polish man in the white coat assures her. he chuckles like the black doctor in the simpsons. he tells her, “somehow he always knows what’s going to happen next.”

    “and whats going to happen next, mom, is we’re going to go to red lobster,” i told her as i woke up

    pulled the cords off my hairy chest

    and retrieved my bloody hawaiian shirt.

    some jackhole gave me a white sox jersey

    probably to see if i had all my senses about me

    and i whipped it back at him

    and they gave me a plain blue tshirt in exchange for my bloody rags

    and my mom drove me quietly to the red lobster on army trail road and we ate and drank water and she steamed trying to hold back her anger

    she gritted her teeth and said, your niece and nephew dont want to go to your funeral.

    i said, momma, even deaths not invited to that bash.

  7. Friday, September 5, 2014

    xbi was all thanks for what you did but isnt your house all bloody now? 

    glazed tub and sink

    i was like, never you mind. wheres my money.

    they were all, seriously if theres a blood trail we’re all screwed. i said dude, ive been doing this forever, dont you know i know?

    still they were nervous for some reason. who was this guy? why was this any different.

    they said, we’re gonna send someone over to make sure everythings untraceable.

    i said, absolutely not. plus nothing happened. he was persuaded, and he was escorted out. end of story.

    they said, come on agent, everyone wants to sleep tight tonight.

    so i said the worst thing i could ever say.

    trust me.

    and in the morning i woke up and my 13 year old yellow bathtub and sink were completely reglazed

    and virgin white.

    but worse, my uber app didn’t work any more.

    everyone knows uber customer support for drivers takes forever which means i probably wont be driving this weekend now.

    what the hell am i supposed to do on a friday night? take a damn bath?

  8. Tuesday, September 2, 2014

    the xbi sent me a telegram (!) yesterday 

    mileyit said, have you noticed that everyone all around you falls apart?

    and it made me go through a series of emotions:

    disbelief, all my friends and loved ones are at the top of their game

    doubt, except for that one and that one and

    anger, if the xbi is behind all of this i will use their evil weaponry against them!

    sleepiness, man i was pooped

    super anger, why would they waste their energies on me

    religious, dear god please smite them with your fancy energies of retribution

    and then finally zen: i sent them a pie

    along with it a note

    if you eat this pie all the negative feelings you were trying to instil on me will be multiplied

    and you will have gas for a good thirty minutes

    maybe forty!

    if you dont eat this pie you will prove to me that you have no courage

    for how can a pie be filled with feelings you superstitious so called superheroes!?!!?

    prove you have eaten it all by video taping it with a copy of todays newspaper

    which some of them did as i recently received a youtube clip.

    never kiss an xbi agent.

    they’ll put anything in their mouth.

  9. Tuesday, August 19, 2014

    one of the nice things about the xbi is they teach you how to spot lying 

    rodeo

    one of the bad things about learning that skill is you see how many people lie to you and it makes you sad

    it makes you feel like those people think youre so dumb youd never realize their terrible lies until it’s too late.

    you have to remember not to take it personally, but it’s a total personal attack.

    it’s saying youre a dumb dummy full of dumb and im so smart i can verbalize fiction minus footnotes

    and you’ll never know.

    its why many agents reprogram that part of their brains.

    they get tired hearing the little bell every time an intentional falsehood is levied.

  10. Wednesday, August 6, 2014

    the xbi was so unhappy they did the unthinkable: they ESPed me 

    marie antoinetteYou know you cant have a girlfriend.

    shut up, i dont have a girlfriend!

    Then why did you send her flowers?

    i aint sent nobody no damn flowers!

    You’re not trying to spy on her then?

    if i wanted to spy on her i’d have bugged some of the books i gave her.

    You gave her BOOKS? Ah ha! So she IS your girlfriend!

    read my lips, er thoughts, she is a lovely young woman, with a perfect heart, and if i were to have a girlfriend, id be extremely lucky to have someone like her around me every day. but even though i’m no longer in the xbi, i agree that i should not get too close to any one person. so shut up. ugh!

    Ah ha! You looked in her heart! To see if she would be compatible!

    whoever you are im going to kill you. im going to find you and im going to burn whatevers left of you after i kill you and im going to take the ashes and stuff it in a teddy bear and give it to your momma.

    But you kissed her!

    and after i give it to your momma imma eat some funyuns and kiss your momma on the lips.

    This is why you don’t exist, agent.

    correction: former agent, and i dont exist because

    Because why?

    oh you cant read that part of my mind? perfect. now good day sir.

    What part of your mind?

    I SAID GOOD DAY!