nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, September 5, 2014

    xbi was all thanks for what you did but isnt your house all bloody now? 

    glazed tub and sink

    i was like, never you mind. wheres my money.

    they were all, seriously if theres a blood trail we’re all screwed. i said dude, ive been doing this forever, dont you know i know?

    still they were nervous for some reason. who was this guy? why was this any different.

    they said, we’re gonna send someone over to make sure everythings untraceable.

    i said, absolutely not. plus nothing happened. he was persuaded, and he was escorted out. end of story.

    they said, come on agent, everyone wants to sleep tight tonight.

    so i said the worst thing i could ever say.

    trust me.

    and in the morning i woke up and my 13 year old yellow bathtub and sink were completely reglazed

    and virgin white.

    but worse, my uber app didn’t work any more.

    everyone knows uber customer support for drivers takes forever which means i probably wont be driving this weekend now.

    what the hell am i supposed to do on a friday night? take a damn bath?

  2. Tuesday, September 2, 2014

    the xbi sent me a telegram (!) yesterday 

    mileyit said, have you noticed that everyone all around you falls apart?

    and it made me go through a series of emotions:

    disbelief, all my friends and loved ones are at the top of their game

    doubt, except for that one and that one and

    anger, if the xbi is behind all of this i will use their evil weaponry against them!

    sleepiness, man i was pooped

    super anger, why would they waste their energies on me

    religious, dear god please smite them with your fancy energies of retribution

    and then finally zen: i sent them a pie

    along with it a note

    if you eat this pie all the negative feelings you were trying to instil on me will be multiplied

    and you will have gas for a good thirty minutes

    maybe forty!

    if you dont eat this pie you will prove to me that you have no courage

    for how can a pie be filled with feelings you superstitious so called superheroes!?!!?

    prove you have eaten it all by video taping it with a copy of todays newspaper

    which some of them did as i recently received a youtube clip.

    never kiss an xbi agent.

    they’ll put anything in their mouth.

  3. Tuesday, August 19, 2014

    one of the nice things about the xbi is they teach you how to spot lying 


    one of the bad things about learning that skill is you see how many people lie to you and it makes you sad

    it makes you feel like those people think youre so dumb youd never realize their terrible lies until it’s too late.

    you have to remember not to take it personally, but it’s a total personal attack.

    it’s saying youre a dumb dummy full of dumb and im so smart i can verbalize fiction minus footnotes

    and you’ll never know.

    its why many agents reprogram that part of their brains.

    they get tired hearing the little bell every time an intentional falsehood is levied.

  4. Wednesday, August 6, 2014

    the xbi was so unhappy they did the unthinkable: they ESPed me 

    marie antoinetteYou know you cant have a girlfriend.

    shut up, i dont have a girlfriend!

    Then why did you send her flowers?

    i aint sent nobody no damn flowers!

    You’re not trying to spy on her then?

    if i wanted to spy on her i’d have bugged some of the books i gave her.

    You gave her BOOKS? Ah ha! So she IS your girlfriend!

    read my lips, er thoughts, she is a lovely young woman, with a perfect heart, and if i were to have a girlfriend, id be extremely lucky to have someone like her around me every day. but even though i’m no longer in the xbi, i agree that i should not get too close to any one person. so shut up. ugh!

    Ah ha! You looked in her heart! To see if she would be compatible!

    whoever you are im going to kill you. im going to find you and im going to burn whatevers left of you after i kill you and im going to take the ashes and stuff it in a teddy bear and give it to your momma.

    But you kissed her!

    and after i give it to your momma imma eat some funyuns and kiss your momma on the lips.

    This is why you don’t exist, agent.

    correction: former agent, and i dont exist because

    Because why?

    oh you cant read that part of my mind? perfect. now good day sir.

    What part of your mind?


  5. Sunday, August 3, 2014

    cubs came to town to beat the dodgers and the xbi stoked me 


    xbi said why dont you take that tall glass of water up to chavez ravine and sit in our seats


    i said does it include valet parking because even though magic lowered the price, leaving that place is such a mess

    they were all, ugh fine, we’ll send you an uber, which they did which was nice since i dont even work there any more.


    settled down in our seats only to be obstructed by this cute little fella, but the cubs were up so who cares


    certainly not me, amber, chris nor andy. we all had hot dogs and nachos and ice cream and after the game ended we lined up

    so we could get on the field to watch the fireworks

    but when we got to the fence they shut it and locked it and said sorry parks full, moose out front shoulda told ya so.

    and thats when we learned the weirdly cool secret to dodger stadium fireworks nights:


    the parking lot is actually the better place to see the show.


    afterwards we drove to echo park and ate tacos and tried to regain our 20/20 vision and perfect hearing.

    thanks xbi!

  6. Friday, July 11, 2014

    any time the xbi wants to learn more about someone im hanging with 

    blogger-image-1273626205they do something personally offensive like poison me, knock me out, and then put a microphone where my gold tooth used to be.

    or worse, a tracking device.

    to make things easier for them i did the unspeakable: i got a license plate with the three top secret letters on it

    so you will never have problems finding me in traffic.

    the other night i was having headaches, which is rare for me. i had taken a nap and still the headaches continued so i knew they had some sort of transmitter in my head

    and after some investigation i popped a cap and there it was, a devious little device meant to record and track my every move.

    i txted them: who do you think you are? facebook?!?

    her name is amber, she lives in a shoe.

    legs that are longer, and eyes made of blue.

    they played dumb which isnt hard for them which makes them dangerouser. with all the toys they have youd think theyd figure out by now that some former agents shouldnt be messed with

    and not everyone wants to be part of their juvenile little gang. no matter how much money there is there. no matter how much “fun” there is.

    some of us wanna walk the straight and narrow.

    no fancy clothes, no fancy cars, no invisible helicopters

    no machine guns with audio bullets that dont hurt but make you fall down and puke.

    some of us feel like thats like playing video games with the cheater code. like learning math by using the answers in the back.

    like trading arms for hostages. like packing the courts. like using a designated hitter.

    some of us believe that we are on this merry go round once and we will be judged one day not only by how many points we scored but also how many assists we dished and how stylish we were at

    ball handling.

    something the xbi knows far too much about these days.

  7. Thursday, July 3, 2014

    the prisoners ending 


    she was all come over im scared.

    i said im ubering tonights a huge night.

    socksshe went but i hate the fireworks and my dog keeps barking and the gangs are on the street and im having a panic attack.

    i was all its just little explosions in the sky, nothing bad happens.

    she said maybe i didnt make myself clear: come. over. now.

    i was having a great night. the rides were long, despite the traffic, all was good.

    i had even eaten sushi for lunch where the waitresses were all

    we never see you here in the daytime.

    i said thats cuz i never come here in the daytime.

    almost had too much food. salmon collar, rice, soup, mashed potatoes(!), broccoli.

    one passenger even gave me concert tickets to the indio girls and joan baez.

    i can come over on sunday.

    she was all now. arent you in the xbi? isnt this what you people do? help people?

    i laughed and told her im not in the xbi! thats all – why do you insist on believing the buttblog?

    what do you want me to make.

    i said, im full. seriously. so full.

    she was all i’ll make brownies in those socks you like.

    i said im watching my weight.

    she said hurry up, i want to see the prisoner. we can watch the prisoners.

    i nearly fell asleep. the brownies were good. and thats how i saw the prisoners.

  8. Friday, June 27, 2014

    they had decided to put the xbi headquarters in santa barbara 

    me and hilary

    no one knew why. probably the weather. probably the parking. probably the airport.

    sure there were some smart kids there but werent there smart kids everywhere?

    the difference was we were down for whatever. at all times.

    except early in the morning.

    we would drink anything. smoke anything. eat anything. and because of that everyone kissed us.

    one night all the pretty girls in town rounded up all of the junior xbi trainees

    and under the light show of stars, as the waves hit the beach

    they tried to steal all of our secrets by kissing them out of us.

    the technique worked most of the time but that night was different.

    that night was magic.

    and many many more nights after that.

    a few mornings were magic but only accidentally.

    one morning a helicopter landed at the lagoon. we were asleep. but we woke up fast

    with all the sand blowing around us and the noise and all.

    i stood up and before i knew it i was in it. and flying it.

    this is chopper one, the pilot said. and then he jumped out.

    and that, saints, was my first day in the xbi.

    and how i learned to fly.

  9. Tuesday, June 17, 2014

    got some food at this new food truck today 

    buster keaton the general

    and within an hour i was completely depressed. and sleepy. and then it dawned on me: id been poisoned!

    the xbi!


    i get depressed maybe 3 times a year. for about 20 minutes total.

    how did this fish taco nail me for a good 15 minutes?

    and why would they want to poison me? again? but why now?

    ah, because i can uber again. they know i love it so.

    they know that with uber i dont need them. i dont think about them. it completes me.

    the last thing they want me to do is commune with the city and navigate its many twists and turns.

    they know if im low im open to evil. i can be manipulated.

    so i went to the 99 cent store and got a box of milky way bars. and a box of $100k bars.

    and an Orange Crush.

    while waiting in line i saw a french lady with two adorable daughters buy candy and a douche.

    a 99 cent store douche.

    i walked past that ginormous rock and thought about all the mouths that rock could have fed

    if they hadnta spent millions taking that dumb thing from the desert to the miracle mile

    but i knew that was the poison talking. so i ate a candy bar. and then another.

    got up the elevator, got a Coke outta the machine bc i was delirious and totally forgot i had another pop.

    sat down in my office and got back to work.

    now cured i will rejoin the good people of this metropolis and take them to bars and restaurants.

  10. Monday, June 9, 2014

    xbi has a time machine they dont tell anyone about 


    some agents are actually from the future which is why they can predict it so well.

    the only problem with time travel, so ive heard,

    is you have to make sure not to affect real change in the future

    my trick, i mean their trick is to give advice

    since no one ever takes advice

    you’ll never have to worry about screwing nothing up.

    last night sass and i ate noodles and she told me an amazing story about

    a psycho young woman from europe who doesnt even exist.

    i was eating a fried catfish.

    crazy can text and email and all these other things but shes probably total fiction.

    when i asked the waiter if the catfish was whole or cut he said