nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, November 4, 2018

    amber just gave me the sweetest compliment 

    shes been a little bit sick so shes been in bed for two days,

    i was standing with my shirt off and long plaid pajama pants on

    eating some jumbo shrimp i had just gotten for myself after going out to get her soup and seltzer water.

    she said, “you remind me of a lot of the rock stars that stay at my hotel”

    she works at a fancy beverly hills joint

    she said, “you don’t worry about anything. you’re just cool.”

    shes lived with me over a year and thats what she thinks?

    oh i worry.

    i worry this whole thing might get pulled out from under me at any minute.

    i am not in control of anything. i could do the greatest job ever on this secret project and still get thrown to the wolves. i could do a cruddy job and get praised. you never know what people will think.

    but my biggest fear is not a person at all. it’s God. i wanna go to Heaven. but you dont get in because of  your dazzling good looks or witty banter. it’s your heart. and you can’t fake that.

    what is in my heart? it aint sugar and spice and everything nice, thats for damn sure.

    of course i care about the poor and others and this one and that one but i was in the xbi. ive done some things. who knows if im forgiven?

    Yes Jessica painted this painting that i bought from her that she framed and sent to me. it says “forgive yourself. for all of it.”

    it’s hung right next to my giant bedroom tv. right above a Cubs hat. i look at it every. single. day.

    but there are some unforgivable things.

    and even if i convince myself that there arent, what if God disagrees?

    the Good Book says the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy, or more specifically denying God. everything else has been paid for by Jesus.

    let’s hope thats the case because i would like to go back to worrying about the same things that rock stars in swanky hotels should worry about: when will the creativity dry up one day, when will the pretty girls stop paying attention,

    and when will that Mexicoke ever arrive from room service?

  2. Thursday, August 30, 2018

    theres some changes a brewing 

    which is a good thing and a scary thing, but mostly good.

    i cant wait to tell you about them, but i have always wanted to be such a different person than who i am.

    i want to be the type of man who keeps everything secret. i watch Tony Soprano and he wont even tell his crew what he is up to.

    when he gets on the phone he talks about “that thing of ours.” without revealing a damn clue.

    im good with other people’s secrets, but for me im a huge blabbermouth.

    why? am i looking for approval? do i want everyone to love me? i know hardly anyones gonna love me.

    maybe because it’s front of mind. and when im on a project that i love i’m consumed by it.

    well this next thing is gonna be an all encompassing bon fire of earthly delights, thats all i gotta say

    and when it’s time to really get into great detail, trust me, you’ll be notified properly.

    just know that what im fixin to do is risky, but if it ends up being what im planning on it being

    it could be a literal life saver.

    and thats what the xbi is alllllll about.

  3. Thursday, April 5, 2018

    the best medicine 

    for some reason i still have friends inside the xbi

    one of them ESPed me last night as I was at the Foods Co off Hoover

    What are you doing there?


    Are you poor now?

    ahahah shut up. whats going on bro.

    Dude have you been having brutal headaches lately?

    yep. for about three weeks.

    Well I ran across someone’s screen and they’ve been pummeling you with vicious amounts of pain. What have you done to them?

    same old same old.

    But, like what spawned all of this? Who did you piss off?

    hell if i know. last year i slowed down on my blogging. i thought they’d like that. maybe it’s because i have a girlfriend now?

    Why did you do that?!?!

    man can’t live on bread alone.

    True. True. So what have you done to counteract the onslaught? You should be a mess right now.

    easy, ive been doing the one thing they know nothing about.




    i just told you.

    I didn’t get it.

    laughter. does anyone remember laughter?

    Are you serious?

    it’s the best medicine. and it works. it shines light on the darkness. and best of all it’s contagious. you should try it someday.

    Oh and put myself on their radar? No. Thank. You. I will quietly toil away trying to do as little as possible until I can find a way out of here. 

    that’s cool. i’ll be over here with a pretty girl, drinking pop, laughing whenever possible.

    And being barraged by headaches?

    the more you laugh, agent, the less strength their negative vibes affect you. not sure why. don’t care why. but i gotta go, ive probably said too much.

    and then i bought some avocados.

  4. Friday, March 30, 2018

    dont let the cheery disposition fool you 

    i can be very mean sometimes.

    i try to hold it in. i do. i am a Libra.

    but i am also on the Scorpio cusp so that tail is always moving, always wagging, always looking to


    and when it strikes i feel bad because in my heart all i want are the hippie things: peace and love

    i never want to use my superpowers for anything other than to make magic

    and to help people feel wonderful,

    but sometimes someone will cross the line.

    how are they supposed to know that the xbi taught a few of us to read minds.

    how are they supposed to know that their lies trigger a sound only we can hear.

    how are they supposed to know the real reason i shave my head and wear a cubs hat.

    i warn them by driving a car that says xbi right on it

    i write about it all the time.

    and still they treat me like i dont have this curse.

    a black kid in an all white school will never be normal which is why they recruited me and made me

    the polar opposite of normal.

    even less normal than i was gonna be.

    i did and do everything to balance the scales, i dress like poop i eat like poop i let the belly grow

    i mispronounce misspell watch tmz read twitter and dont read books

    i try to fit in but theres no fitting in because even in a facebook message i can tell when youre full of shit

    and that tail will come out

    and i dont miss.

    she says you should write a book and i say baby youre reading it.

  5. Sunday, March 18, 2018

    had a headache for three days, thought, ‘is this brain cancer’? 

    then i thought can you even


    brain cancer?

    i did all the regular things, started drinking water, ate asprin, ate advil, turned down the radio, stopped reading twitter.


    every day id fall asleep with a little headache right there,

    right where it shouldnt be.

    and every morning id wake up and there it was.

    never overwhelming, just there, like a bruise almost.

    back in the day the xbi would do things to our heads, but i realized ive been away from them almost as long as i was ever with them. i dont think they want me any more. i scared em away. plus they hate being blogged about. hate it. and for sure they hate having it displayed on the benz.

    still i thought, did they do something? did something they did way back suddenly fritz? why is this headache just in one small sector? why does it throb for 20 minutes then disappear for an hour?

    why can i suddenly see through walls?

    why can i read her mind


    why can i see between the dots?

    and whats that aroma?




    i got two save the dates in the mail in my box yesterday, and sadly i can’t make either.

  6. Monday, February 5, 2018

    who’s that bald head in the bottom right corner? 

    sometimes i dont know who to be. sure you’ll say be yourself but

    no, you cant be yourself. because yourself might be someone who honks at someone when they cut you off.

    and then yourself might be someone who flips that person off after they slam their brakes on you.

    and then yourself might be someone who, when invited to join the bad driver into a home depot parking lot


    in life we are sometimes lured into that very same trap and if you’re being yourself

    you just might fall for it, but if you are being the person you have been trained to be

    you politely pass and go on with your day.

    my day started with that bad driver. it was 8am. i was driving amber to pop physique. and then i was off to the annual nominees luncheon where i was to create an Instagram Story to our 1.4 million followers.

    i wasn’t able to get much sleep the night before, but there i was seriously considering being a tad late for work to remind one BMW driver that the person who they cut off, brake check, and flip off

    might be a former xbi agent, who foolishly thought that if he got those plates would send enough of a message to the jerkoffs on the streets to reconsider. but no. twas i who was the fool.

    did my thing at the beverly hills hilton. met some people. chatted with my old boss. didnt make a misstep.

    until i returned back to the office where i had to do some extra. and it was there that your hero hit a wall.

    ran outta gas. threw in the emotional towel. ran out of blood sugar.

    and made some mistakes.

    then on the text message machine, was short with amber, because i was trying to concentrate, and wires were crossed, so we met at the grocery store. and over paid.


    then went to the taco house. and the lady only spoke spanish and thought i said 6 tacos when i meant 2.

    so i was all, whatevs, lets give 4 to the homeless. so i drove to this gas station. amber popped out. i said give him my giant mexicoke too.

    dude goes I DONT WANT YOUR DAMN TACOS, but she convinced him.

    but then he got up and marched from the bus stop bench to a pay phone.

    placed the bottle on top of the phone and i left him in the dust cuz i was all, that fools gonna launch that bottle at us.

    and i didn’t want him to see my magnetic shields in action.

    and god knows who else.

    so we zoomed before it got close.

    i said, just lets get home in one piece.

    then amber said i got us tickets to a show in new york.

    and i was all, new york city?

    pace picante sauce?

    and i am so tired.


  7. Tuesday, November 28, 2017

    the report was what i thought it would be like 

    it said im a nightmare to live with.

    it showed a long list of girlfriends ive had or quasi gfs or loves or lusts or flings or things or or or

    and it said that with each and every one of them i was the prime example of bait n switch

    pretty on the outside, ugly closeup.

    im a slob, i fart, i wear the same things over and over and over. i pass out unexpectedly, even though no drugs or alcohol are around.

    i cant cook, clean, im not well read, i grammar bad and for some reason im as demanding as can be

    but worse, i pretend that the poor women learn the ancient skill of mindreading.

    even though i am not one to live up to many promises, i insist that they keep theirs.

    even though i constantly change my mind about things, i steam when they call audibles.

    theres baseball cards in here, photos of others, letters from others, gifts from others

    how is anyone supposed to feel special in this bachelors pad of boobie traps?

    white socks everywhere and smells smells smells

    closets packed with nick nacks, freezer stuffed with cheese.

    the xbi insists that no agent should have a significant other but mama mia how is this the only rule i dont break?

    and then theres the cubs.

    and the weird hours.

    and the secret trips to the hidden lair.

    it just aint fair.

  8. Thursday, October 19, 2017

    what does the good book say about people being mean to me? 

    Dear Tony,

    Fellow XBI agent here. 

    People are being very mean to me. I don’t understand why. I’ve asked and they won’t tell me. 

    I don’t know where to turn for help. You talk about the Bible a lot. Is there solace in it… for this?

    Sorry about the Cubs,

    Kid Camaro

    dear Camaro,

    if you are really xbi, which i doubt that you are, you’d know that it’s our job to suck it up.

    we are the place the buck stops.

    so if someone is being mean then take it.

    fucking take it.

    what does the bible say? it says pretty much the same thing. it says people who oppress you will probably not get punished for it, or suffer in any way. so move on.

    but heres what i say.

    i say if you feel victimized, and indeed you are xbi, do the thing that xbi is here to do

    help people.

    aint nobody in this whole world who couldn’t use a little help with something.

    help them.

    you are a speck of dust in a forgotten broom in the hall closet of the universe

    but when you help someone

    you become magic.

    so sparkle, fucker.

  9. Thursday, September 7, 2017

    i wrote because my mom encouraged me 

    i wrote because i had a sports illustrated subscription

    i read both papers every day in the library at school

    not because  i was smart – if i was smart i would have read my homework.

    i read them because of mike royko and because sports on tv was pretty much nonexistent.

    i wrote because when i sent little stories to the girls,

    they smiled and

    took my hand and

    i wrote because there was a typewriter in the house.

    when i was little a fancy car rolled past my house and stopped.

    a man got out and said tony pierce?

    i was 13.

    i said jd salinger?

    he said, here is the secret to writing,

    it’s called the baseball hat.

    i said, n word please.

    he said, no, this is a magical one.

    i said i will accept it but i would prefer one someday that will match all the Cubs crap i wear all the time.

    he said im sorry thats not how it works

    and tossed me a weird green one.

    i haven’t washed my hands since.

  10. Sunday, July 30, 2017

    i invite you to let the spirit of Prince ease out of you today 

    the real reason i no longer work for the xbi is because you cannot lie to the lie detector

    every now and then the xbi will poison their agents, one by one,

    and give them a thorough mental evaluation.

    sometimes the poison is laced with LSD or magic mushrooms or ecstasy or combinations of all three

    they’ll sleep deprive us, starve us, torture us, and then give us more poison in the jugs of water

    which we foolishly chug down from thirst

    and then, voila, the truth comes out.

    the last 9 out of 10 trips to the lie detector revealed one thing that scared the xbi to their bones

    at my heart i am a Christian minister.

    because when stripped down to my essence, i was told, i would invite my superiors, my torturers, my bosses, to

    look for the spirit of Good, and Creativity, and Sexiness

    and let it come out in tiny ways.

    indeed, right there, tied up, with a light shining in my eyes, and eye drops being dropped in my eyes

    i would say things like, “ours is the kingdom of Heaven. what will be your dance steps once the Pearly gates are parted?”

    for a while the xbi let this go on because i was fantastic in the field, and the bible is filled with tales of war and destruction, but somehow they failed to realize that the holy trinity was equal parts father, son


    holy spirit.

    and when i was chopped down to the knees, i would teach them about the spirit

    about their souls

    and about how when a fastball is thrown perfectly

    it moves

    and that funkiness keeps it from being hit

    that funkiness defies science

    because that funkiness

    is funk.

    the thing the fearful fear.

    but its the thing that is closest to God than anything you could write down on paper.

    or slide into a spreadsheet.

    or pin onto a wall.

    and its essence, in modern day human form,

    was Prince.

    so, I concluded, reportedly, repeatedly, was

    how are you gonna be funky today babies

    and what color cape will you wear?

    and they let me go.