nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, August 23, 2015

    pretty girl direct messaged me the other day 


    she was all, lets meet up.

    i was like, ive heard that before.

    she went, no, i mean it, how about that taco stand by yr house

    i said, are you a computer program?

    she said beep bop beep

    i didnt drive much this week because of my hands. they feel old.

    about every seven years they start freaking out.

    the other day i picked up a stapler and all of this pain shot to my left thumb.

    it felt like it was all of the pain in my hands and arms just moved to the pad of the thumb.

    xbi emailed me and said whoops, we’re experimenting on something

    theyre obsessed with pain

    they said, hopefully we can focus it all in one spot and then slowly shrink it till it’s unnoticeable.

    ben gay didnt work. my wrist bands didnt work. it was too small.

    felt like i had burned my thumb on a hot plate at a sit down mexican restaurant.

    that was the only pain all day that day. and then the next morning.

    this morning i got an email with the subject header of xbisolation

    saying, should be gone in an hour

    and then it was gone in an hour.

    so yeah, i think i’ll have some tacos with that chick.

  2. Sunday, August 16, 2015

    todays bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 

    bukowski, madonnahad a good hot weekend. it was hot. like hottern itd been all year.

    slept over the covers with the windows open and the fan twirling and the cats purring and the moon looking down saying it dont look that hot from up heres

    and the earth saying who the hell asked you anyways

    friday ali said what are you up to tonight i said imma see a one woman show. she said no way. i said i know i never do that.

    she said i wanna come. i said fine meet me at my place and we’ll take a lyft over there. she said not an uber?

    i said, its good to keep the competition going.

    the show was The Mermaid who learned how to Fly. kyla garcia. she was incredible. did like 20 different characters. two of them were in love with her. so basically she made out with herself twice.

    once even as a lady.

    it took me a little while to get into it because i dont go to plays. and it was hot. and you have to suspend your belief and just let go. but once you do, it gets fantastic.

    so at first i didnt like her irish narrator fairy lady but as the play went on i kept hoping for her to come back, and when she did i was so happy. also of interest was the narrator was sorta falling apart physically as the play went on. bad back. it was funny. kyla was very surprising.

    after that ali and i went to malo and ate tacos and drank margueritas. im not crazy about that place but its close and they had an outside so we cooled off.

    saturday i ubered a little. hit my goal and then went to the academy to see Straight Outta Compton. it needs to be stated that since that record dropped back when i was in college, NWA and that record have been super important to me.

    so to see it for free in the best theater in LA was incredible.

    ice cube and the fans

    full house. and almost everyone stayed afterwards to hear Ice Cube, his son, the director, a producer, and the dudes who played Dr. Dre and Eazy talk about it.

    ive never seen that many people stay.

    or cheer so many times at the end.

    i give the movie a B+ but i give ice cube an A+ for staying after the talk and taking pictures with everyone who asked. which were hundreds. he didnt care. he soaked it in.

    and the movie won the weekend. making something like $60 million. smash hit of the summer. a movie about black gangsta rappers whose music is not played on the radio. and yet one of the rappers turns into a movie star another tuns into a billionaire and a third dies of AIDS. so freaky.

    xbi texted me when i was still in the theatre. they wanted a favor i said no. they said order an uber and we can help you out.

    tanya and freedai said i didnt need any help. i was happy. i was in great spirits and i wasnt gonna do squat on sunday. they said dont be a dope, order an uber.

    and when i did a toyota avalon appeared with this great reggae singer as a driver

    and two swedish girls in the back

    and the whole trip i thought, theyre gonna kill me, arent they?

    this is how it ends?


    reggae in swedish probably means good bye i thought but no

    id been to sweden and i knew that hej då meant good bye

    or did it mean hello?

    the girls were just laughing at me.

    they kept calling me Chicago.

    hey Chicago, why dont you change your clothes and meet us at the Chateau

    i said how do you say nothing ever good happens to chicagoans

    late at night at the chateau

    in swedish

  3. Friday, May 22, 2015

    am i sad that the president wears moms jeans and is a sox fan? 


    when i was young the xbi taught me how to meditate while i played a ghetto version of Tetris

    i think it was called Bloxx. doesnt matter, it helped me work with patterns and lack of uniformity

    which helped me identify things from the skies in chopper one.

    but it also settled my mind because all of these good and bad thoughts would float up to my conscious.

    it’s one reason i dont like shooting video games: i cant learn when i play.

    anyways the other day i was playing a different video game, a new one that one of my fellow ex-xbi colleagues made.

    he asked me to try it out and i did and it was fantastic.

    as i was playing all of these thoughts flooded my mind:

    what are you doing with your life? where are you going? what are you wearing?

    who do you think you are? why arent you in the agency any more? why dont you quit blogging?

    why havent you tried screenwriting? why havent you moved? when are you going to clean up?

    why are you driving that car? what about your hands? what about your health? what about yr hair?

    which was all understandable because it was just the drill digging deep past the bilge into

    the hard material that keeps us down.

    and then this one bubbled up: are you sad the president is a sox fan that wears mom jeans.

    and i laughed and i died in the game cuz i couldnt stop laughing.

  4. Thursday, May 7, 2015

    yes i have a fancy new car, no i havent really taken a picture of it 

    bekkai dont wanna steal its soul.

    yours though i want.

    maybe im trying to figure out if it does have a soul. it’s used, and looks it when you investigate it closely. theres scratches, scars, theres a story there.

    im guessing it was abused by its original owner who didnt care about it. so many marks near the trunk. businessman with lots of suitcases. three years old but only 28k miles. they say thats normal. i say its abnormal.

    the interior is fine though but the engine acts as if he gunned it a lot and maybe wasnt the best driver.

    im positive the new car likes me better. sometimes you can just tell.

    it ESPs me things.

    why are people so rough on things? is that supposed to be manly?

    why do people think everythings disposable?

    why are they so selfish?

    there was some issues at the dealership when i first got it and to apologize they told me that i could bring it in whenever i wanted to get a sweet ass detailing and wax job. i told them that after Coachella i would need a good deep cleaning and the other day i dropped it off with a short list of mechanical tweaks.

    if it was an xbi car i woulda taken it to my guy in east la and bing bang boom it woulda been taken care of, so i was a little surprised when i got pushback from the dealer.

    weird answers like, no we see no problems. except for a plastic bag in the exhaust.

    i was all, hmmm well maybe thats why the pickup wasnt what it should be.

    they were like, yeah whatever, but still thats not covered in the warranty so we’re gonna charge you $85 to get it out of there.

    youre not gonna charge me anything.

    yes we are.

    i will bet you 86 dollars you wont. do you want to bet me. do you want to lose a days pay by saying one more word to me?

    i was not charged for the removal of the bag. which was probably there when the car was originally delivered. people are busy. no one has pride any more.

    people think everythings disposable.

    its snot.

  5. Wednesday, March 18, 2015

    xbi was all, we need you in Chicago 

    cubs season tix

    i was all, are you getting high off your own supply?

    they were like, what would it take to get you to move there?

    i said, season tickets to the cubs, pay off my mom’s mortgage

    and make sure the average temperature is 69 degrees, you know, like how it is here in LA


    they said we can do the first two and thanks to the GOP, the third request is coming along.

    i said, great, when it has arrived, if there’s still ozone, lemme know.

    today i receieved the above. and i must say, it was tempting.

    i shouldnta opened the box.

  6. Monday, March 2, 2015

    because im a gazillion, ive bought several cars over the yrs 

    benza saturn right outta college

    then an explorer

    then a two seater quasi sports car that i gave to this poor black kid, which i just remembered

    d’monde was his name. that car smelled funny. not bad, but just funny. so fast.

    then i rode the bus for years and years.

    i dated some of the prettiest girls during that time, and started this very blog.

    for some reason waited until i was canned till i bought a nissan from yr pal ken, a sentra,

    and then gave that to americas sweetheart, danielle, down in san dieger because she was broke and i wasnt

    bought a brand new tits out camaro ss fully loaded because mid life not-so-crisis.

    traded that in for the uber mobile ford

    and then yesterday traded that for some german engineering, also for uber

    but as far as the xbi thinks, for them.

    they love benzes in hollywood because they blend in.

    theyre begging me not to transfer the vanity plates but i dont work for them no matter what they say.

    they’re promising me so much money if i just end the joke of an undercover agent telegraphing to the world that we’re right there.

    it would be like if an unmarked cop car had a license plate that said police on it.

    but crooks are dumb, as has been proven zillions of times, and half of them dont even know who the xbi is

    any more.

    which is another thing the xbi loves.

    and even though this ride is a step back technologically, navigationally, gas mileagely, and back seat actioney,

    it is nice to be lower to the ground and hear a damn engine again.

    desperately need the rear view camera fixed though because i got spoiled actually knowing how close i am to the car behind me is when im parallel parking.

  7. Wednesday, December 10, 2014

    how monicas mom is partially responsible for the world famous busblog 

    monicamany moons ago, long before i was lured by the underground santa barbara mafia, the xbi, i was a mere high school lad with an afro.

    on my first day of school i was nervous beyond belief for i had known all of my friends since kindegarten and never had problems finding amigos since i was the one newbies had to meet, not vice versa.

    the year all of our little junior highs merged into one huge supergroup, i was scared for several reasons. at the top was the fact that being one of a handful of black kids in a school of 100 was difficult, but not impossible. but being one of 1,000 was daunting to say the least.

    but then first period of my first class on my first day the prettiest girl i could ever imagine sat next to me and introduced herself as monica. i could barely get a hello out from my braces but after we did we became super close friends for the next four years.

    not only was she easy on the eyes but she was super smart and played clarinet in illinois’ best high school marching band. eventually she would convince me to join my senior year and it turned out to be my favorite part of my whole high school experience.

    next to sitting next to her of course.

    these were the days before cell phones and the internet and text messages and skype but there was electricity and landline telephones. and one of the things that i will never forget is trying to call monica at her home and having to deal with the family’s call screener, her mother, a very stern German woman who saw no good in young boys phoning up her eldest daughter, and made it known if not verbally, psychically.

    still we would chat and quickly the conversation would be interrupted, which was ok, because it would lead me to write her all sorts of notes in school, including stories and perverted poems and drawings, which later would lead me to a life of writing on blogs like this one.

    often for pay!

    so thank you monica’s mom, my success in the creative arts, is due, in part to you and your (rightfully) protective behavior.

    first day of high schoolbecause of the work i was forced to do via the xbi, i was forbidden to go to any high school reunions or keep in touch with anyone from my innocent past. but thanks to the miracle of facebook, i have been able to catch a glimpse of what has been going on with my longest friend bob, a few of my fellow general managers, and this pal or that. a few christmases ago i even got to reunite with a high school crush who first turned me onto led zep.

    when i returned to LA the xbi reminded me of how dangerous that was and i agreed and reluctantly passed on a milestone reunion a few months ago when i was in my old hometown.

    of the few people i would have loved to have seen was my dear friend monica, who reached out to me yesterday on facebook by friending me. i had no idea she was even on facebook, nor did i have any clue that she has blossomed into an even prettier version of what i remember.

    but what i really remember from being one of her bffs during those super important adolescent years is how important real friends are. monica was as genuine as could be, honest, sincere, and sweet. there was never anything up her sleeve, she was a good sport, and she was everything you’d expect from a midwestern girl who would commute to downtown a few times a month with her hot friend sonja to go to German class.

    one reason i’m rarely without my Cubs hat is to remind the xbi that no matter what ive done with them or what they hope to do with me, at heart i am a goofy midwestern boy with a dirty story to slip your way when you least expect it on the bus on the way to winning best in state. inspired and encouraged by mythical babes like monica.

    photos: above: monica today. below: me on my first day of high school 

  8. Tuesday, November 11, 2014

    hot babe in santa monica gets in and says how do you feel about taking me to redondo 

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo2_400i was all, long hair, dont care, plus you smell like you robbed a perfume store.

    buckle up.

    zig zagged through stragglers, honked at the stoned, rolled down the windows

    and felt it all.

    whats your day job she asked with an accent i couldnt immediately place.

    alaskan? new hampshire?


    i work for an undercover super hero agency that steals from the thieves

    and gives to the poor.

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo4_400oh, the xbi she said and i adjusted my rear view.

    she said, it’s on your license plate.

    oh yeah that.

    why would you give everything to the poor she asked, applying lip gloss and checking her work in a tiny mirror she snapped closed when she was satisfied

    because no one else is gonna do it i said and turned onto the 10 east.

    she looked out her window and yawned, every vacuum must be filled.

    is there a vacuum in your life i asked her, and turned down the pink floyd.

    yeah, im starving

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo3_400beep beep bop she excused herself and called her boyfriend.

    hey im in an uber, i will be home in about 30 minutes, should i pick up something?

    i hate hate hate making stops i esped her but it wasnt working. she wasnt xbi.

    chinese? how about something healthy for a change? no that place closed. i dont know why. they were terrible?

    for some reason no one was in the carpool lane of the 405 so i sped.

    they decided he would order something and it would be ready when she arrived. good boy, i thought.

    i looked back in the rearview.

    she saw me looking.


    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo1_400what are you gonna do when you grow up? she asked.

    i was thinking about doing red carpet interviews for VH-1

    she stopped chewing the gum she was chomping.

    how did you know thats what i do? she asked.

    everyone knows what you do

    i told her.

    and turned up the radio.

    cuz fuck growing up.

  9. Tuesday, October 21, 2014

    death rides a skateboard 

    death rides a skateboard

    xbi was all hey it’s your birthday tomorrow, what do you want?

    how about for you to leave me alone?

    LOL they said no really, a cake? an ice cream cake? a pie?

    i was all not seriously, for realsie, how about a year of radio silence, maybe three?

    they were like dude youre the best we ever trained we cant just let you flounder out in the world sitting on your assets like some hobo.

    i said whats a year between friends.

    we’re here to save lives and make the world a better place, they said.

    then we both LOLed.

    how about a skateboard, i whispered.

    you’ll break yr neck, they replied.

    i’ll wear a helmet.

    no you won’t.

    ok how about the iphone six plus.

    all sold out, how about the plain old six.

    got that already.

    what do you need the plus for then?

    fine, i’ll take a pie.

  10. Tuesday, October 14, 2014

    tonight imma fix my internet i swear 


    it gets me super mad when i cannot do things

    even when im not trained at it

    even if im not the expert.

    for some reason i believe what the xbi taught us when we were 20

    you can do anything

    we can all do anything

    but you can do it better than most

    always believe in yourself.

    even when it’s Game Over

    for it’s never Game Over.

    then of course they shot us but thats another, much longer story.