nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, May 9, 2016

    when im not volunteering at the soup kitchen 

    anna kournikovasexting anna or fighting crime for the xbi

    i’m doing my best to be a great son.

    so every mothers day i send my mom flowers and a note and she always takes a picture of the bouquet and regardless of its condition she always says

    soooo beautiful!

    whats weird is it’s very difficult for florists in chicago to actually put together a truly beautiful arrangement and deliver it to my mom so every year i try a different place.

    last year i was satisfied. the place got these great tulips together and got them to the crib and all was good in the hood.

    so this year i ordered with plenty of time and the delivery fee was fine and the price was right but

    in my mind

    they said they had to deliver it on Thursday before Mother’s Day which didn’t bother me. because as long as it’s early thats cool.

    so i called my mom yesterday and i said how are the flowers

    she said, there were no flowers.

    and i nearly crashed the helicopter.

    was all Siri, what the fuck

    and Siri was like, bro the flowers wont be there until Tuesday

    i was all, Tuesday? Why Tuesday? and Siri said because thats when you set the order for n word. and i rewinded my memory but it didn’t go that far back and im telling you, i might be losing my mind. in the history of me being my mothers son ive never snet her a Mothers Day gift late, why would i Schedule something to be late?

    it gets worse.

    my mom was all, i know i told you you didnt have to send anything, but i was on my way to the hairdresser and it was Saturday and you hadnt sent anything and I saw an Amazon truck and sometimes you send me weird things and I had never even seen an Amazon truck before so i turned around and asked the man

    is there something in there for me?

    and he said, no.

    worst son in the entire planet!

    but because shes the greatest mom in the world she said, dont worry you can make it up to me when you come out here in the fall.

    i said i can?

    she said yeah, just get me some Cubs tickets and buy the first few rounds of beers.

    which is 100% true. and why i love her so. and why anna has such a hard time getting me to commit.

  2. Thursday, April 14, 2016

    went to the doctor today and they said i had to see a specialist 

    da bearsthis is what happens when you try to use the xbi insurance.

    they want you only to see xbi doctors and

    its not because they care about you

    they just wanna keep an eye on their investment

    even if you are just a shell of who you used to be

    i havent been a solid xbi agent in years

    they swear they can get me back in shape if i had the desire to get there but

    as you get older the things you care about substantially changes

    when youre little you want candy

    then you want a bike

    then you want a girlfriend

    then you want a car

    then you want a plane

    then you want a mythical black helicopter that barely makes a sound but ironically can stabilize large groups of terrible people through audio technology that can bring them to their knees with nausea.

    then you want two cars.

    all i want right now is to see the cubs win the world series and it looks like theyre on their way.

    then i want some ice cream.

    then i want to help people.

    the other day someone asked me what i wanna be when i grow up

    i said i wanna never grow up.

    because it seems like the more shit you gotta do

    the less shit you get to do.

    and all the shit i wanna do is for you.

  3. Saturday, February 6, 2016

    most drivers dont enjoy doing Uber pools, but i make due 

    brazilians and brunchers

    what drivers dont like about pools is you dont get paid for the time there are two sets of people in your car.

    meanwhile you have to get to two different places, wait for each group, and then drop off two times.

    so basically double the work for half the rate.

    “smart” drivers will never accept an uber pool, but heres what i think.

    i think none of us are getting rich anyways, and some money is better than no money

    so if you decline certain rides or all rides in hopes for the great big payday

    that you psychically know is gonna happen, then thats you.

    me, im here to drive, lets drive and see what happens.

    today what happened was two very funny brentwood brunchers uber pooled to arena on main and on the way we picked up a brazilian mom daughter team going to the beach.

    i made $17, it took about 17 minutes

    and i woulda driven them for the rest of the day but

    i needed to get back to hollywood

    to pick up my xbi suit.

  4. Tuesday, December 22, 2015

    the xbi asked me what i wanted for christmas 

    marilyn and michael

    i said a warhol of marilyn and one of michael

    they said, thats impossible.

    i said, do you know how little is impossible

    we used to think flying to the moon was impossible

    do you even know how wifi works?

    sometimes beautiful women will follow you into your room

    and pull your hands to their breasts and make out with you.


    nothing is impossible.

    there was an annoyingly long silence

    and finally i just said


    and clicked the end button on the dashboard.

  5. Wednesday, December 9, 2015

    got a massage this morning as my car was being washed 

    ozzz visiting john lennon

    it was one of those chair massagers. this one cost $1 for 1 minute or $5 for 15 minutes.

    this car wash on La Cienega always takes about 15-20 minutes to wash and dry your car so i splurged.

    i dont know if it’s the gloves im wearing or the fact that im driving less

    or the fact im not taking these pills any more the xbi slipped under my door

    but my back and my hands and my arms all feel so much better.

    but every now and then my lower back will want to break and i literally fall to my knees.

    so ive been walking a little more and doing these back stretches and today i got a $5 massage

    while staring at some terrible amateur paintings of a lady sitting on a chair.

    this is the glamour life of a social media superstar who drives a benz for uber on the side

    and flies the skies at night in a black helicopter for the xbi.

    yesterday jeanine made the most amazing pork roast.

    it was day four of me not being able to find my cable remote.

    so i ordered a replacement off ebay.


  6. Sunday, August 23, 2015

    pretty girl direct messaged me the other day 


    she was all, lets meet up.

    i was like, ive heard that before.

    she went, no, i mean it, how about that taco stand by yr house

    i said, are you a computer program?

    she said beep bop beep

    i didnt drive much this week because of my hands. they feel old.

    about every seven years they start freaking out.

    the other day i picked up a stapler and all of this pain shot to my left thumb.

    it felt like it was all of the pain in my hands and arms just moved to the pad of the thumb.

    xbi emailed me and said whoops, we’re experimenting on something

    theyre obsessed with pain

    they said, hopefully we can focus it all in one spot and then slowly shrink it till it’s unnoticeable.

    ben gay didnt work. my wrist bands didnt work. it was too small.

    felt like i had burned my thumb on a hot plate at a sit down mexican restaurant.

    that was the only pain all day that day. and then the next morning.

    this morning i got an email with the subject header of xbisolation

    saying, should be gone in an hour

    and then it was gone in an hour.

    so yeah, i think i’ll have some tacos with that chick.

  7. Sunday, August 16, 2015

    todays bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 

    bukowski, madonnahad a good hot weekend. it was hot. like hottern itd been all year.

    slept over the covers with the windows open and the fan twirling and the cats purring and the moon looking down saying it dont look that hot from up heres

    and the earth saying who the hell asked you anyways

    friday ali said what are you up to tonight i said imma see a one woman show. she said no way. i said i know i never do that.

    she said i wanna come. i said fine meet me at my place and we’ll take a lyft over there. she said not an uber?

    i said, its good to keep the competition going.

    the show was The Mermaid who learned how to Fly. kyla garcia. she was incredible. did like 20 different characters. two of them were in love with her. so basically she made out with herself twice.

    once even as a lady.

    it took me a little while to get into it because i dont go to plays. and it was hot. and you have to suspend your belief and just let go. but once you do, it gets fantastic.

    so at first i didnt like her irish narrator fairy lady but as the play went on i kept hoping for her to come back, and when she did i was so happy. also of interest was the narrator was sorta falling apart physically as the play went on. bad back. it was funny. kyla was very surprising.

    after that ali and i went to malo and ate tacos and drank margueritas. im not crazy about that place but its close and they had an outside so we cooled off.

    saturday i ubered a little. hit my goal and then went to the academy to see Straight Outta Compton. it needs to be stated that since that record dropped back when i was in college, NWA and that record have been super important to me.

    so to see it for free in the best theater in LA was incredible.

    ice cube and the fans

    full house. and almost everyone stayed afterwards to hear Ice Cube, his son, the director, a producer, and the dudes who played Dr. Dre and Eazy talk about it.

    ive never seen that many people stay.

    or cheer so many times at the end.

    i give the movie a B+ but i give ice cube an A+ for staying after the talk and taking pictures with everyone who asked. which were hundreds. he didnt care. he soaked it in.

    and the movie won the weekend. making something like $60 million. smash hit of the summer. a movie about black gangsta rappers whose music is not played on the radio. and yet one of the rappers turns into a movie star another tuns into a billionaire and a third dies of AIDS. so freaky.

    xbi texted me when i was still in the theatre. they wanted a favor i said no. they said order an uber and we can help you out.

    tanya and freedai said i didnt need any help. i was happy. i was in great spirits and i wasnt gonna do squat on sunday. they said dont be a dope, order an uber.

    and when i did a toyota avalon appeared with this great reggae singer as a driver

    and two swedish girls in the back

    and the whole trip i thought, theyre gonna kill me, arent they?

    this is how it ends?


    reggae in swedish probably means good bye i thought but no

    id been to sweden and i knew that hej då meant good bye

    or did it mean hello?

    the girls were just laughing at me.

    they kept calling me Chicago.

    hey Chicago, why dont you change your clothes and meet us at the Chateau

    i said how do you say nothing ever good happens to chicagoans

    late at night at the chateau

    in swedish

  8. Friday, May 22, 2015

    am i sad that the president wears moms jeans and is a sox fan? 


    when i was young the xbi taught me how to meditate while i played a ghetto version of Tetris

    i think it was called Bloxx. doesnt matter, it helped me work with patterns and lack of uniformity

    which helped me identify things from the skies in chopper one.

    but it also settled my mind because all of these good and bad thoughts would float up to my conscious.

    it’s one reason i dont like shooting video games: i cant learn when i play.

    anyways the other day i was playing a different video game, a new one that one of my fellow ex-xbi colleagues made.

    he asked me to try it out and i did and it was fantastic.

    as i was playing all of these thoughts flooded my mind:

    what are you doing with your life? where are you going? what are you wearing?

    who do you think you are? why arent you in the agency any more? why dont you quit blogging?

    why havent you tried screenwriting? why havent you moved? when are you going to clean up?

    why are you driving that car? what about your hands? what about your health? what about yr hair?

    which was all understandable because it was just the drill digging deep past the bilge into

    the hard material that keeps us down.

    and then this one bubbled up: are you sad the president is a sox fan that wears mom jeans.

    and i laughed and i died in the game cuz i couldnt stop laughing.

  9. Thursday, May 7, 2015

    yes i have a fancy new car, no i havent really taken a picture of it 

    bekkai dont wanna steal its soul.

    yours though i want.

    maybe im trying to figure out if it does have a soul. it’s used, and looks it when you investigate it closely. theres scratches, scars, theres a story there.

    im guessing it was abused by its original owner who didnt care about it. so many marks near the trunk. businessman with lots of suitcases. three years old but only 28k miles. they say thats normal. i say its abnormal.

    the interior is fine though but the engine acts as if he gunned it a lot and maybe wasnt the best driver.

    im positive the new car likes me better. sometimes you can just tell.

    it ESPs me things.

    why are people so rough on things? is that supposed to be manly?

    why do people think everythings disposable?

    why are they so selfish?

    there was some issues at the dealership when i first got it and to apologize they told me that i could bring it in whenever i wanted to get a sweet ass detailing and wax job. i told them that after Coachella i would need a good deep cleaning and the other day i dropped it off with a short list of mechanical tweaks.

    if it was an xbi car i woulda taken it to my guy in east la and bing bang boom it woulda been taken care of, so i was a little surprised when i got pushback from the dealer.

    weird answers like, no we see no problems. except for a plastic bag in the exhaust.

    i was all, hmmm well maybe thats why the pickup wasnt what it should be.

    they were like, yeah whatever, but still thats not covered in the warranty so we’re gonna charge you $85 to get it out of there.

    youre not gonna charge me anything.

    yes we are.

    i will bet you 86 dollars you wont. do you want to bet me. do you want to lose a days pay by saying one more word to me?

    i was not charged for the removal of the bag. which was probably there when the car was originally delivered. people are busy. no one has pride any more.

    people think everythings disposable.

    its snot.

  10. Wednesday, March 18, 2015

    xbi was all, we need you in Chicago 

    cubs season tix

    i was all, are you getting high off your own supply?

    they were like, what would it take to get you to move there?

    i said, season tickets to the cubs, pay off my mom’s mortgage

    and make sure the average temperature is 69 degrees, you know, like how it is here in LA


    they said we can do the first two and thanks to the GOP, the third request is coming along.

    i said, great, when it has arrived, if there’s still ozone, lemme know.

    today i receieved the above. and i must say, it was tempting.

    i shouldnta opened the box.