nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, May 10, 2017

    theres one reason i have a license plate that says xbi 

    it’s because once xbi always xbi

    and at the xbi we knew everything

    which means if you lie, we know youre lying.

    at first i put it on there when i broke up with the xbi to remind them that they should stop lying to me

    but then i left it on there to remind others.

    and it’s interesting that even when people know that you know

    they still do it.

    and on and on

    until the break of dawn.

    i take so many things personally, but for some reason i dont find it insulting when people lie to me.

    i feel sad for them

    because theyre clearly in a pattern that they learned way back a long time ago

    where they got off the hook, or it bought them a little time or it got people to leave them alone

    if they twisted the facts.

    and theres a burden when you know all the facts to keep them close to you

    when people are wiping their ass with the facts.

    to your face.

    it makes you wanna get a hat that says xbi.

    but that’s too many letters.

    so i wear a different one.

  2. Monday, March 27, 2017
  3. Friday, March 10, 2017

    when the xbi wants your attention, they get it 

    once upon a time i had the most simple life

    and then it got simpler.

    i judge the simplicity of life by two things

    how many keys you have

    and how many things you


    to do every day.

    one reason i left the xbi was because it became a

    have to

    instead of a get to.

    i’ll be honest sometimes this very blog feels like a have to sometimes

    and i know how to get out of that slide easily.

    usually it’s tell the truth more.

    ended up in urgent care bent over that very table there

    theres a window with some venetian blinds to the right

    but theyre a rip off because when you part them

    it’s a view of nothing.

    not nothing nothing, but not what you wanna see when youre looking for something good in the world

    when you need to see something good in the world.

    you know it’s there somewhere and it sure would be nice for it to be right out there past the garbage somewhere

  4. Wednesday, February 8, 2017

    took an uber to see the doctor yesterday 

    i didnt drive cuz i was all dopey on all the Benadryl and rum i was using to make my cough and headache STFU

    when the driver found himself in a little traffic i noticed that i was gonna be about 10 minutes tardy so i called the doctors office to alert them

    “oh tony no one called you?”

    called me?

    “yes the doctor had to go to home around lunchtime.”

    apparently he was sick too.

    “we can reschedule you for friday if you like.”

    this is the thing about the xbi. they dont want you to get well. and for sure they dont want you using non-xbi doctors.

    the REASON you’re sick is because either they poisoned you

    or they are experimenting with sound waves or mites

    or food allergies or lsd microdoses.

    will they tell you they are using you as a guinea pig?


    will they apologize? or send you a remedy via sexy delivery service?


    they make YOU figure it out. they make YOU suffer. they give you the worst headaches youve ever had in your life. because it is their belief that if you think you are going to die, you, their pride and joy, YOU will find the cure and when you do they will in turn benefit.

    so theres one of two things you can do: die or fight.

    ive seen agents just give up and jump off the rocks into the mexican riviera. and all the xbi will ever say is well he proved he was no longer worth our time and effort.

    and then theres morons like me who curl up with blankets and capt morgan and let the poison do its magic which those bastards love because they can see and they can learn and they can scribble their notes and even though I havent been one of theirs for years suddenly i am working for them in this capacity and its disgusting.

    but i do know some things that they dont like. they dont like me fat. which is why i only eat at drive thrus and never work out. they dont like me single, which is why i havent dated seriously in a long time. and they dont like me writing about them which is why the busblog is my favorite f you.

    who will have the last laugh?

    mcdonalds, probs.

    until then i hope my doc recovers because hes a good man and doesnt deserve this.

  5. Tuesday, February 7, 2017
  6. Sunday, December 25, 2016

    joy to the world, all the boys and girls 

    today a child was born.

    a child who scared leadership so much that the king ordered to have him killed.

    his dad couldnt get a hotel room.

    a gigantic star was blowing up his spot.

    it was cold as balls.

    and the artists kept painting him with blue eyes.

    the donkeys knew what was up.

    as did the mule and the lambs.

    and the goats.

    and the drummer boys.

    the killers were coming, but so were the wise men.

    and all around him were angels, chillin,

    doing what they could,

    which was little.

    it’s ok. he had this.

    you have this.

    today is the day God became human, striking fear into all the things that should be fearful,

    and hope into the hearts of the hopeful.

    today inspired a long list of beautiful songs, weird customs, and totally unrelated activities.

    but at its heart is love.

    the best of all.

    merry christmas from the world famous busblog

    and the super secret xbi

    champions of the world.

  7. Friday, December 9, 2016

    never forget your strength 

    when i was younger i would talk hella shit about the xbi because i didnt want to be in there any more and i was hoping it would scare them off me.

    it didnt work at first

    but now im older and i cant run as fast and theyve got younger kids who are True Believers who will do stupider shit and think waaaay dumber things and go with the flow like Flo Jo

    and i have to admit there are parts of the agency that i miss.

    mostly the danger.

    i think when you get older you see that the danger can give you fun thrills

    but so can leaning in on a pretty girl for the first time

    tryin to kisser

    or negotiating something where you really dont have any more room to budge

    or walking down a street you shouldnt be on

    or trying a new weapon that could literally explode in your hand

    or a new copter that no ones ever tried to do the loop di do with.

    whoops, off track again.

    or saying hi to a stranger.

    or reading a new book.

    or adopting cats and you dont even like cats and what if the girls on Tinder think you’re queer if you have cats or a loser or a lonely soul or a commie.

    i am a commie but thats neither here nor there, tinder girls.

    im someone who will get in a bus and do whatever needs to be done.

    but im also none of the above.

    i dont feel the comfort of feeling sad.

    i dont see the beauty of being bad.

    but i do like things better when they are on fire, at the end of the night, when all you can hear is the crackling and the ashes disobey gravity

    and float up

    and up

    and disappear with the light.

  8. Tuesday, November 15, 2016
  9. Friday, September 9, 2016

    teen spirit is older than 10% of U.S. history 

    giphyshe said youre always charging your phone

    i said we should have some codes


    for when we text each other, i said.

    you mean like hey how are you doing?

    i know how you’re doing.

    then what?

    i was thinking, if i text you “w” it means what are you wearing?


    if i text you “m” it means wanna see a movie?

    if i text you “f” it means

    oh i think i know.

    it means have you had any food?

    ok got it, but why not just text those things?

    well i was reading hillarys emails and if she and her aides just had little codes it would have made it harder to spy on her.


    and it would save time.

    what time are you trying to save?

    what if im on a cliff hanging by a pinkie

    and all i can do is type h to you, which is helppppppp

    or z which is theyve poisoned me and im about to pass out, bring pop

    how am i supposed to remember all of these?


  10. Wednesday, August 10, 2016

    dear tony, is it easy to fly a copter in LA? 


    dear tony,

    i’m interested to learn more about the xbi. namely, why LA? aren’t the skies filled with helicopters anyway?

    first of all theres no such thing as the xbi.

    secondly, yes there are some helicopters in LA but most of them are cops or for the news or traffic. but id say they only account for a dozen or so. then there are the tourist ones that fly visitors over the city.

    if there was an undercover group of super heroes who actually didnt have any super skills, they were just trained really well, there might be a job or two for someone who flew a helicopter.

    specifically a black helicopter.

    and if he was really good at it, the agency, if one existed, would probably set him up in a swanky mansion somewhere up in the hills where no one would expect a sloppy dressed dude in a cubs hat.

    why a mansion?

    where else would you land the copter?