nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, February 5, 2018

    who’s that bald head in the bottom right corner? 

    sometimes i dont know who to be. sure you’ll say be yourself but

    no, you cant be yourself. because yourself might be someone who honks at someone when they cut you off.

    and then yourself might be someone who flips that person off after they slam their brakes on you.

    and then yourself might be someone who, when invited to join the bad driver into a home depot parking lot


    in life we are sometimes lured into that very same trap and if you’re being yourself

    you just might fall for it, but if you are being the person you have been trained to be

    you politely pass and go on with your day.

    my day started with that bad driver. it was 8am. i was driving amber to pop physique. and then i was off to the annual nominees luncheon where i was to create an Instagram Story to our 1.4 million followers.

    i wasn’t able to get much sleep the night before, but there i was seriously considering being a tad late for work to remind one BMW driver that the person who they cut off, brake check, and flip off

    might be a former xbi agent, who foolishly thought that if he got those plates would send enough of a message to the jerkoffs on the streets to reconsider. but no. twas i who was the fool.

    did my thing at the beverly hills hilton. met some people. chatted with my old boss. didnt make a misstep.

    until i returned back to the office where i had to do some extra. and it was there that your hero hit a wall.

    ran outta gas. threw in the emotional towel. ran out of blood sugar.

    and made some mistakes.

    then on the text message machine, was short with amber, because i was trying to concentrate, and wires were crossed, so we met at the grocery store. and over paid.


    then went to the taco house. and the lady only spoke spanish and thought i said 6 tacos when i meant 2.

    so i was all, whatevs, lets give 4 to the homeless. so i drove to this gas station. amber popped out. i said give him my giant mexicoke too.

    dude goes I DONT WANT YOUR DAMN TACOS, but she convinced him.

    but then he got up and marched from the bus stop bench to a pay phone.

    placed the bottle on top of the phone and i left him in the dust cuz i was all, that fools gonna launch that bottle at us.

    and i didn’t want him to see my magnetic shields in action.

    and god knows who else.

    so we zoomed before it got close.

    i said, just lets get home in one piece.

    then amber said i got us tickets to a show in new york.

    and i was all, new york city?

    pace picante sauce?

    and i am so tired.


  2. Tuesday, November 28, 2017

    the report was what i thought it would be like 

    it said im a nightmare to live with.

    it showed a long list of girlfriends ive had or quasi gfs or loves or lusts or flings or things or or or

    and it said that with each and every one of them i was the prime example of bait n switch

    pretty on the outside, ugly closeup.

    im a slob, i fart, i wear the same things over and over and over. i pass out unexpectedly, even though no drugs or alcohol are around.

    i cant cook, clean, im not well read, i grammar bad and for some reason im as demanding as can be

    but worse, i pretend that the poor women learn the ancient skill of mindreading.

    even though i am not one to live up to many promises, i insist that they keep theirs.

    even though i constantly change my mind about things, i steam when they call audibles.

    theres baseball cards in here, photos of others, letters from others, gifts from others

    how is anyone supposed to feel special in this bachelors pad of boobie traps?

    white socks everywhere and smells smells smells

    closets packed with nick nacks, freezer stuffed with cheese.

    the xbi insists that no agent should have a significant other but mama mia how is this the only rule i dont break?

    and then theres the cubs.

    and the weird hours.

    and the secret trips to the hidden lair.

    it just aint fair.

  3. Thursday, October 19, 2017

    what does the good book say about people being mean to me? 

    Dear Tony,

    Fellow XBI agent here. 

    People are being very mean to me. I don’t understand why. I’ve asked and they won’t tell me. 

    I don’t know where to turn for help. You talk about the Bible a lot. Is there solace in it… for this?

    Sorry about the Cubs,

    Kid Camaro

    dear Camaro,

    if you are really xbi, which i doubt that you are, you’d know that it’s our job to suck it up.

    we are the place the buck stops.

    so if someone is being mean then take it.

    fucking take it.

    what does the bible say? it says pretty much the same thing. it says people who oppress you will probably not get punished for it, or suffer in any way. so move on.

    but heres what i say.

    i say if you feel victimized, and indeed you are xbi, do the thing that xbi is here to do

    help people.

    aint nobody in this whole world who couldn’t use a little help with something.

    help them.

    you are a speck of dust in a forgotten broom in the hall closet of the universe

    but when you help someone

    you become magic.

    so sparkle, fucker.

  4. Thursday, September 7, 2017

    i wrote because my mom encouraged me 

    i wrote because i had a sports illustrated subscription

    i read both papers every day in the library at school

    not because  i was smart – if i was smart i would have read my homework.

    i read them because of mike royko and because sports on tv was pretty much nonexistent.

    i wrote because when i sent little stories to the girls,

    they smiled and

    took my hand and

    i wrote because there was a typewriter in the house.

    when i was little a fancy car rolled past my house and stopped.

    a man got out and said tony pierce?

    i was 13.

    i said jd salinger?

    he said, here is the secret to writing,

    it’s called the baseball hat.

    i said, n word please.

    he said, no, this is a magical one.

    i said i will accept it but i would prefer one someday that will match all the Cubs crap i wear all the time.

    he said im sorry thats not how it works

    and tossed me a weird green one.

    i haven’t washed my hands since.

  5. Sunday, July 30, 2017

    i invite you to let the spirit of Prince ease out of you today 

    the real reason i no longer work for the xbi is because you cannot lie to the lie detector

    every now and then the xbi will poison their agents, one by one,

    and give them a thorough mental evaluation.

    sometimes the poison is laced with LSD or magic mushrooms or ecstasy or combinations of all three

    they’ll sleep deprive us, starve us, torture us, and then give us more poison in the jugs of water

    which we foolishly chug down from thirst

    and then, voila, the truth comes out.

    the last 9 out of 10 trips to the lie detector revealed one thing that scared the xbi to their bones

    at my heart i am a Christian minister.

    because when stripped down to my essence, i was told, i would invite my superiors, my torturers, my bosses, to

    look for the spirit of Good, and Creativity, and Sexiness

    and let it come out in tiny ways.

    indeed, right there, tied up, with a light shining in my eyes, and eye drops being dropped in my eyes

    i would say things like, “ours is the kingdom of Heaven. what will be your dance steps once the Pearly gates are parted?”

    for a while the xbi let this go on because i was fantastic in the field, and the bible is filled with tales of war and destruction, but somehow they failed to realize that the holy trinity was equal parts father, son


    holy spirit.

    and when i was chopped down to the knees, i would teach them about the spirit

    about their souls

    and about how when a fastball is thrown perfectly

    it moves

    and that funkiness keeps it from being hit

    that funkiness defies science

    because that funkiness

    is funk.

    the thing the fearful fear.

    but its the thing that is closest to God than anything you could write down on paper.

    or slide into a spreadsheet.

    or pin onto a wall.

    and its essence, in modern day human form,

    was Prince.

    so, I concluded, reportedly, repeatedly, was

    how are you gonna be funky today babies

    and what color cape will you wear?

    and they let me go.

  6. Wednesday, July 5, 2017

    bear with me 

    took the cats in yesterday to get their annual check up and the lady said

    these are the most behaved cats ive seen in here in a long time.

    which is true, they’re good animals and ive taught them to be chill.

    we have this little ESP that they clearly learned from the xbi

    and im in the same wave length

    today i was over by the beach getting ready to drive a whole lotta

    4th of July Uber and Lyft rides when i got a message

    yo, you should come back home

    even though Prince and Michael can deal with rectal exams and weird offices

    the booming of the fireworks in Hollywood apparently made them


    as i drove through LA fireworks blossomed to the left and the right of me

    like a coronation

    it made me a little emotional because i love this city so much

    and the weather was perfect and seriously every block there were little groups of people

    just launching surface to air missiles with beautiful results.

    for my entire half hour drive

    boom boom ahhhhhhh

    got home and the cats first pretended like it was all nbd

    but soon they were both in my room,

    high up by the tvs

    and alert.

  7. Saturday, July 1, 2017

    dear tony, why don’t you Uber/Lyft on Sundays? 

    im not sure if youve noticed but i am a devout follower of Jesus Christ.

    we can hem and haw about some of the so-called rules in the bible, but it’s hard to call bullshit on something that was literally

    written in stone.

    and Take A Damn Day Off Once A Week

    is written in stone right along with dont fucking murder any one and dont steal anyones shit.

    you know, the list of no-brainers.

    whats beautiful about why God tells us to take a day off every week is because

    HE took a day off and when he looked back at it

    it dawned on him that it was so good that everyone should take it off.

    basically: sure you could work every day, but it is better if you don’t, and because you are probably like me and wont remember to take a day off, im gonna write it down for both of us so that we both remember

    do not work every day.

    indeed, on your day off, try to do as nothing as you can.

    just chill til the next episode.

    whats interesting is even at the xbi my bosses eventually stopped asking me to do things on weekends because i would start to get a little aggro if i wasn’t given the space to just

    super unplug for two days straight.

    like nothing having to do with work. no gameplans. no screenshots. no motivations.


    no xbi nothing.

    and then monday id come in there hot as a rocket.

    im old enough to remember the Tony Express.

    back in olden times people tried to ride their horse from St Louis to Californee but about 1/3 of the way there, their horse would just sit down

    and never get up.

    the indians would be all, bro you have to give them rest. and water. and then rest.

    but the cowboys would be like, but we have somewhere we gotta be.

    so the smart people said, step right up, step right up, have we got something for you

    it’s called the Tony Express

    we’ve got horses, rested and watered horses, every hundred miles. you get on one, ride it fast and hard 100 miles, get off, and hop on a new happy one who’s had its two days of rest.

    and it will run like youve never seen run ‘afore.

    and then you get on the next-un and so on till youre in the Golden State faster’n youd ever believed.

    then a giant conglomerate bought a bunch of horses too, called it the Pony Express

    and history forgot about the inventor of it all

    everyone, that is,

    except the xbi.

  8. Monday, June 12, 2017

    she said, if i could be in any man’s body, itd be yours 

    later we passed by this closed down pot shop

    seemed a little nothing in here is true:

    clean, nice, decent selection.

    everyone was female,

    even the gun totin security lady.

    there was a mexican woman there,

    a bud tender,

    she told me about how much she liked country music.

    also rock, si, but country music.

    i wanted to get back there one day and give her a cd of lone justice songs but just like that you’ll never see that person again.

    which is why xbi agents usually wear something distinctive

    just in case you need us.

  9. Friday, June 9, 2017

    what if im a horrible person 

    would i even know?

    do terrible people even care after a while?

    i dont think so which is troubling because i sure as hell dont care.

    but i dont want to be a nuisance or a bummer.

    i dont go out any more and i dont stay in.

    either i ESP with people or i use braille.

    ive turned into an extremely aggressive driver.

    but i do use my signals.

    i wrote someone an invitation to the greatest offer in the world the other day

    and i know she read it because it says so

    but she did not reply.

    which tells me,

    maybe im a terrible person

    which makes her think no way could this be what it appears to be

    even though its an invitation to something

    so great. so cool. so what is needed right now.

    but if the wrong messenger sends it

    it gets forgotten.

    what would a not terrible person do or say in this situation?

    probably nothing.

    the terribles are always so loud.

  10. Wednesday, May 10, 2017

    theres one reason i have a license plate that says xbi 

    it’s because once xbi always xbi

    and at the xbi we knew everything

    which means if you lie, we know youre lying.

    at first i put it on there when i broke up with the xbi to remind them that they should stop lying to me

    but then i left it on there to remind others.

    and it’s interesting that even when people know that you know

    they still do it.

    and on and on

    until the break of dawn.

    i take so many things personally, but for some reason i dont find it insulting when people lie to me.

    i feel sad for them

    because theyre clearly in a pattern that they learned way back a long time ago

    where they got off the hook, or it bought them a little time or it got people to leave them alone

    if they twisted the facts.

    and theres a burden when you know all the facts to keep them close to you

    when people are wiping their ass with the facts.

    to your face.

    it makes you wanna get a hat that says xbi.

    but that’s too many letters.

    so i wear a different one.