nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, September 9, 2016

    teen spirit is older than 10% of U.S. history 

    giphyshe said youre always charging your phone

    i said we should have some codes


    for when we text each other, i said.

    you mean like hey how are you doing?

    i know how you’re doing.

    then what?

    i was thinking, if i text you “w” it means what are you wearing?


    if i text you “m” it means wanna see a movie?

    if i text you “f” it means

    oh i think i know.

    it means have you had any food?

    ok got it, but why not just text those things?

    well i was reading hillarys emails and if she and her aides just had little codes it would have made it harder to spy on her.


    and it would save time.

    what time are you trying to save?

    what if im on a cliff hanging by a pinkie

    and all i can do is type h to you, which is helppppppp

    or z which is theyve poisoned me and im about to pass out, bring pop

    how am i supposed to remember all of these?


  2. Wednesday, August 10, 2016

    dear tony, is it easy to fly a copter in LA? 


    dear tony,

    i’m interested to learn more about the xbi. namely, why LA? aren’t the skies filled with helicopters anyway?

    first of all theres no such thing as the xbi.

    secondly, yes there are some helicopters in LA but most of them are cops or for the news or traffic. but id say they only account for a dozen or so. then there are the tourist ones that fly visitors over the city.

    if there was an undercover group of super heroes who actually didnt have any super skills, they were just trained really well, there might be a job or two for someone who flew a helicopter.

    specifically a black helicopter.

    and if he was really good at it, the agency, if one existed, would probably set him up in a swanky mansion somewhere up in the hills where no one would expect a sloppy dressed dude in a cubs hat.

    why a mansion?

    where else would you land the copter?


  3. Thursday, July 14, 2016

    xbi gave me a pair of tickets to see Boston tonight 

    boston 1978but then there were all these strings attached as to whom i could bring

    theyre trying to set me up with someone in the agency who is nice

    and smart, and easy on the eyes

    if you like that sorta thing

    but shes super bossy and judgemental and plays things waaaaay too safe if you ask me.

    she keeps asking me why i dont have a house

    and why my apartment is better furnished

    i told her that some things deserve attention and other things dont.

    i told her that im laser focused right now.

    when i get home i make sure the cats have steak in their bowls

    and theres plenty of gingerale in the gingerale fountain.

    then i look at the kitty litter to make sure their poops are blue and green

    then i look in the fridge and make sure theres plenty of liver and bacon and apple cider.

    whats the difference between apple cider and apple juice she asked me once.

    and i said there are some things that deserve attention and other things dont.

    then i told her i turn on my bedroom tvs and fire up my xbox and ps4

    and she asked why do you need both game systems.

    i told her, are there only blondes and brunettes running around? she said what?

    i said there are more than just those two systems, you know.

    and i said then i switch on the ceiling fan and open the window and guess what, im about 80 percent satisfied with life right there.

    she said what about love?

    i said, are you the pokemon of love that i better catch or someone else will get it and live forever and ever in utter happiness

    and she couldnt say yes so i said, then you probably should either grab a joy stick

    or order us some soul food because this is the part of my day where i take off my pants.

    and thats how i lost my tickets to Boston tonight

  4. Tuesday, May 31, 2016

    xtx has inspired me 

    xbi 33

    i havent written a book in a very long time and now is as good as any time to do long hard things

    hers have been good and theyve been different and theyve been steady

    as has mr steve coulter‘s of rock band tsar

    my problem is all i ever want to do is write about the xbi

    and even though i dont do it in here

    and even if im hinting at them i am basically joking

    thats all i want to write about.

    its 243am i fucked up and took a nap in the middle of the day

    then drank a coke to wake up

    i decided this month is going to be a bukowski full month

    im gonna read as much bukowski as possible because i really havent read him since college

    and i have all these books of his

    today will be the city lights publication of the most beautiful woman in town

    and other stories.

    for some reason i have two copies of it

  5. Monday, May 9, 2016

    when im not volunteering at the soup kitchen 

    anna kournikovasexting anna or fighting crime for the xbi

    i’m doing my best to be a great son.

    so every mothers day i send my mom flowers and a note and she always takes a picture of the bouquet and regardless of its condition she always says

    soooo beautiful!

    whats weird is it’s very difficult for florists in chicago to actually put together a truly beautiful arrangement and deliver it to my mom so every year i try a different place.

    last year i was satisfied. the place got these great tulips together and got them to the crib and all was good in the hood.

    so this year i ordered with plenty of time and the delivery fee was fine and the price was right but

    in my mind

    they said they had to deliver it on Thursday before Mother’s Day which didn’t bother me. because as long as it’s early thats cool.

    so i called my mom yesterday and i said how are the flowers

    she said, there were no flowers.

    and i nearly crashed the helicopter.

    was all Siri, what the fuck

    and Siri was like, bro the flowers wont be there until Tuesday

    i was all, Tuesday? Why Tuesday? and Siri said because thats when you set the order for n word. and i rewinded my memory but it didn’t go that far back and im telling you, i might be losing my mind. in the history of me being my mothers son ive never snet her a Mothers Day gift late, why would i Schedule something to be late?

    it gets worse.

    my mom was all, i know i told you you didnt have to send anything, but i was on my way to the hairdresser and it was Saturday and you hadnt sent anything and I saw an Amazon truck and sometimes you send me weird things and I had never even seen an Amazon truck before so i turned around and asked the man

    is there something in there for me?

    and he said, no.

    worst son in the entire planet!

    but because shes the greatest mom in the world she said, dont worry you can make it up to me when you come out here in the fall.

    i said i can?

    she said yeah, just get me some Cubs tickets and buy the first few rounds of beers.

    which is 100% true. and why i love her so. and why anna has such a hard time getting me to commit.

  6. Thursday, April 14, 2016

    went to the doctor today and they said i had to see a specialist 

    da bearsthis is what happens when you try to use the xbi insurance.

    they want you only to see xbi doctors and

    its not because they care about you

    they just wanna keep an eye on their investment

    even if you are just a shell of who you used to be

    i havent been a solid xbi agent in years

    they swear they can get me back in shape if i had the desire to get there but

    as you get older the things you care about substantially changes

    when youre little you want candy

    then you want a bike

    then you want a girlfriend

    then you want a car

    then you want a plane

    then you want a mythical black helicopter that barely makes a sound but ironically can stabilize large groups of terrible people through audio technology that can bring them to their knees with nausea.

    then you want two cars.

    all i want right now is to see the cubs win the world series and it looks like theyre on their way.

    then i want some ice cream.

    then i want to help people.

    the other day someone asked me what i wanna be when i grow up

    i said i wanna never grow up.

    because it seems like the more shit you gotta do

    the less shit you get to do.

    and all the shit i wanna do is for you.

  7. Saturday, February 6, 2016

    most drivers dont enjoy doing Uber pools, but i make due 

    brazilians and brunchers

    what drivers dont like about pools is you dont get paid for the time there are two sets of people in your car.

    meanwhile you have to get to two different places, wait for each group, and then drop off two times.

    so basically double the work for half the rate.

    “smart” drivers will never accept an uber pool, but heres what i think.

    i think none of us are getting rich anyways, and some money is better than no money

    so if you decline certain rides or all rides in hopes for the great big payday

    that you psychically know is gonna happen, then thats you.

    me, im here to drive, lets drive and see what happens.

    today what happened was two very funny brentwood brunchers uber pooled to arena on main and on the way we picked up a brazilian mom daughter team going to the beach.

    i made $17, it took about 17 minutes

    and i woulda driven them for the rest of the day but

    i needed to get back to hollywood

    to pick up my xbi suit.

  8. Tuesday, December 22, 2015

    the xbi asked me what i wanted for christmas 

    marilyn and michael

    i said a warhol of marilyn and one of michael

    they said, thats impossible.

    i said, do you know how little is impossible

    we used to think flying to the moon was impossible

    do you even know how wifi works?

    sometimes beautiful women will follow you into your room

    and pull your hands to their breasts and make out with you.


    nothing is impossible.

    there was an annoyingly long silence

    and finally i just said


    and clicked the end button on the dashboard.

  9. Wednesday, December 9, 2015

    got a massage this morning as my car was being washed 

    ozzz visiting john lennon

    it was one of those chair massagers. this one cost $1 for 1 minute or $5 for 15 minutes.

    this car wash on La Cienega always takes about 15-20 minutes to wash and dry your car so i splurged.

    i dont know if it’s the gloves im wearing or the fact that im driving less

    or the fact im not taking these pills any more the xbi slipped under my door

    but my back and my hands and my arms all feel so much better.

    but every now and then my lower back will want to break and i literally fall to my knees.

    so ive been walking a little more and doing these back stretches and today i got a $5 massage

    while staring at some terrible amateur paintings of a lady sitting on a chair.

    this is the glamour life of a social media superstar who drives a benz for uber on the side

    and flies the skies at night in a black helicopter for the xbi.

    yesterday jeanine made the most amazing pork roast.

    it was day four of me not being able to find my cable remote.

    so i ordered a replacement off ebay.


  10. Monday, November 23, 2015

    just like in the xbi, there arent a lot of commercial black pilots 

    babe the pilot

    so when my family flew from chicago to vegas yesterday and they saw a black pilot they were all

    do you know tony pierce?

    brotha said who? they said xbi. chopper one?

    homie said, busblog?

    and, to quote donald trump, bing bang bong, our little angel babe was the new co-pilot

    and everyone got free popcorn.

    babe loves popcorn.

    so yeah, now we’re all out here in sin city, which is an interesting place for little kids to be

    there was once a time when vegas catered to kids, but im pretty sure that time is gone, thankfully.

    but i do know that its still the time for adults, so im gonna be a terrible uncle and stay drunk all day

    and then eat all night and get drunker. that way they know that booze is bad and they should stay away from it.

    life lessons from drunk uncle.