nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, July 11, 2014

    any time the xbi wants to learn more about someone im hanging with 

    blogger-image-1273626205they do something personally offensive like poison me, knock me out, and then put a microphone where my gold tooth used to be.

    or worse, a tracking device.

    to make things easier for them i did the unspeakable: i got a license plate with the three top secret letters on it

    so you will never have problems finding me in traffic.

    the other night i was having headaches, which is rare for me. i had taken a nap and still the headaches continued so i knew they had some sort of transmitter in my head

    and after some investigation i popped a cap and there it was, a devious little device meant to record and track my every move.

    i txted them: who do you think you are? facebook?!?

    her name is amber, she lives in a shoe.

    legs that are longer, and eyes made of blue.

    they played dumb which isnt hard for them which makes them dangerouser. with all the toys they have youd think theyd figure out by now that some former agents shouldnt be messed with

    and not everyone wants to be part of their juvenile little gang. no matter how much money there is there. no matter how much “fun” there is.

    some of us wanna walk the straight and narrow.

    no fancy clothes, no fancy cars, no invisible helicopters

    no machine guns with audio bullets that dont hurt but make you fall down and puke.

    some of us feel like thats like playing video games with the cheater code. like learning math by using the answers in the back.

    like trading arms for hostages. like packing the courts. like using a designated hitter.

    some of us believe that we are on this merry go round once and we will be judged one day not only by how many points we scored but also how many assists we dished and how stylish we were at

    ball handling.

    something the xbi knows far too much about these days.

  2. Thursday, July 3, 2014

    the prisoners ending 


    she was all come over im scared.

    i said im ubering tonights a huge night.

    socksshe went but i hate the fireworks and my dog keeps barking and the gangs are on the street and im having a panic attack.

    i was all its just little explosions in the sky, nothing bad happens.

    she said maybe i didnt make myself clear: come. over. now.

    i was having a great night. the rides were long, despite the traffic, all was good.

    i had even eaten sushi for lunch where the waitresses were all

    we never see you here in the daytime.

    i said thats cuz i never come here in the daytime.

    almost had too much food. salmon collar, rice, soup, mashed potatoes(!), broccoli.

    one passenger even gave me concert tickets to the indio girls and joan baez.

    i can come over on sunday.

    she was all now. arent you in the xbi? isnt this what you people do? help people?

    i laughed and told her im not in the xbi! thats all – why do you insist on believing the buttblog?

    what do you want me to make.

    i said, im full. seriously. so full.

    she was all i’ll make brownies in those socks you like.

    i said im watching my weight.

    she said hurry up, i want to see the prisoner. we can watch the prisoners.

    i nearly fell asleep. the brownies were good. and thats how i saw the prisoners.

  3. Friday, June 27, 2014

    they had decided to put the xbi headquarters in santa barbara 

    me and hilary

    no one knew why. probably the weather. probably the parking. probably the airport.

    sure there were some smart kids there but werent there smart kids everywhere?

    the difference was we were down for whatever. at all times.

    except early in the morning.

    we would drink anything. smoke anything. eat anything. and because of that everyone kissed us.

    one night all the pretty girls in town rounded up all of the junior xbi trainees

    and under the light show of stars, as the waves hit the beach

    they tried to steal all of our secrets by kissing them out of us.

    the technique worked most of the time but that night was different.

    that night was magic.

    and many many more nights after that.

    a few mornings were magic but only accidentally.

    one morning a helicopter landed at the lagoon. we were asleep. but we woke up fast

    with all the sand blowing around us and the noise and all.

    i stood up and before i knew it i was in it. and flying it.

    this is chopper one, the pilot said. and then he jumped out.

    and that, saints, was my first day in the xbi.

    and how i learned to fly.

  4. Tuesday, June 17, 2014

    got some food at this new food truck today 

    buster keaton the general

    and within an hour i was completely depressed. and sleepy. and then it dawned on me: id been poisoned!

    the xbi!


    i get depressed maybe 3 times a year. for about 20 minutes total.

    how did this fish taco nail me for a good 15 minutes?

    and why would they want to poison me? again? but why now?

    ah, because i can uber again. they know i love it so.

    they know that with uber i dont need them. i dont think about them. it completes me.

    the last thing they want me to do is commune with the city and navigate its many twists and turns.

    they know if im low im open to evil. i can be manipulated.

    so i went to the 99 cent store and got a box of milky way bars. and a box of $100k bars.

    and an Orange Crush.

    while waiting in line i saw a french lady with two adorable daughters buy candy and a douche.

    a 99 cent store douche.

    i walked past that ginormous rock and thought about all the mouths that rock could have fed

    if they hadnta spent millions taking that dumb thing from the desert to the miracle mile

    but i knew that was the poison talking. so i ate a candy bar. and then another.

    got up the elevator, got a Coke outta the machine bc i was delirious and totally forgot i had another pop.

    sat down in my office and got back to work.

    now cured i will rejoin the good people of this metropolis and take them to bars and restaurants.

  5. Monday, June 9, 2014

    xbi has a time machine they dont tell anyone about 


    some agents are actually from the future which is why they can predict it so well.

    the only problem with time travel, so ive heard,

    is you have to make sure not to affect real change in the future

    my trick, i mean their trick is to give advice

    since no one ever takes advice

    you’ll never have to worry about screwing nothing up.

    last night sass and i ate noodles and she told me an amazing story about

    a psycho young woman from europe who doesnt even exist.

    i was eating a fried catfish.

    crazy can text and email and all these other things but shes probably total fiction.

    when i asked the waiter if the catfish was whole or cut he said


  6. Monday, May 26, 2014

    xbi was all we gotta get you out of LA for a day 


    i was like 1) i dont even work for you any more and 2) knock knock there was a knock on my door

    and your bff ali was at the door wearing daisy dukes holding a picnic basket saying

    we gotta get you out of LA for a day

    and before the sun set i was in a place i aint never been a’fore: mt. st. helens washington


    i mean little big horn, montana.

    i was all ali isn’t montana like way far away? i feel like we only drove for an hour an a half.

    she was like shhhh just go with it. why you always gotta be so literal.

    the long cross country drive made me thirsty so we went into the local establishment

    Pappy and Harriet’s Pioneer Town Palace.

    because of the holiday and our lack of plans the woman up front told us there would be a two hour wait for a table

    but if somehow we could find a barstool we could eat at the bar

    that sounded like a fun game so we went to the bar and

    wait a durn second

    is that

    could it be


    no not the rack of ribs just bbq’ing over the open fire

    smelling delicious and looking amazing



    no way




    are my eyes deceiving me?

    victoria williams who wrote such songs as This Moment, Love, Shoes, TC, You Are Loved, Big Fish, Lights, Crazy Mary

    played none of those as far as i heard, but it was still fantastic,

    heres a lil taste of the night, i believe this is Sweet Virginia from some brit poppers:

    did i mention it was free?




    afterwards we wanted to go fishing or play a bassoon but no  one was around to help


    but we did meet two flamboyant young gentlemen who loved us so much they bought us a couple of shots

    that was nice.

    as per mr ken laynes recommendation i ordered the catfish poboy and a side of mac n cheese

    young ali ordered the tacos

    we each had a mason jar of the Corvette Summer which sounded better than it tasted

    but whateves it did the job and before we knew it the jetpacks flew us over to palm springs where we woke up

    and ate at the ace hotel diner


    heres a few things you should know about me: i always try to stay as positive as possible


    i love taking pictures of people


    i hate having pictures taken of me


    and if green eggs and ham are on the menu im gonna order some damn green eggs and ham.

    happy memorial day america.

    tell your momma you love her.

  7. Thursday, May 22, 2014

    lets say the xbi had a young lady waiting for me when i got home 


    and lets say i didnt want any xbi young lady inside my crib after a long day of work and uber

    and lets say she was hands down the hottest xbi lady ive ever seen

    and she was wearing a short skirt a beret and a tshirt that said busblog.

    so lets say somehow she made her way into my mcmansion and she looked around for a while

    while i analyzed my fantasy baseball teams.

    lets say in the morning the once-giddy woman was now suddenly seemingly ticked off.

    you dont get to be ticked off, i reminded her.

    she bounded up a led me into the bathroom.

    what is THIS, bald man, doing in your bathroom, she said sharply pointing at a long strand

    of brunette hair.

    i was all, i never want to see you in that shirt again.

    she took it off obediantly

    and i whispered

    my maid was just here

    and i kicked her out.

    and threw a sweatshirt at her through the window.

    one with a tracking chip in the label

    of course,


  8. Friday, May 16, 2014
  9. Sunday, May 4, 2014

    Sat next to Farook and Ali at the Clipper game 


    xbi was all wanna see game 7?

    I was like nah

    They were all front row upper deck drink tickets free tacos

    I said yawn I’d rather see it at home, alone, in my pajamas

    They were all: you can park in our parking lot for free

    I said can I get a plus one?


    They were like sure but you gotta do a flavor for us.

    I went see always a catch with you guys can’t just flow a brother outta the kindness of your heart alwas gotta be quid pro quo alwas gotta be a ying pro yang. What. What do you want me to do: kill someone at halftime? Poison the other teams Gatorade? Hack the scoreboard? Trade arms for hostages?


    They said those are all great ideas, but can you bring us back a few shirts? They might be giving them away.

    And I felt bad for distrusting my old agency.

    So I said yeah sure.

    And at halftime I did them an extra favor at no add’l cost bc they had been so nice.

  10. Friday, May 2, 2014

    this blog is about to be very interesting starting tomorrow around this time 

    like a sirthe xbi knows i have a land line.

    very few other people do. Obama, obvs, my family, and my maid.

    thats about it.

    so when it rings i usually say, “and another thing Barack, whats up with the freaking NSA??”

    this morning it rang earl. super earl. fortunately i was already up because: boyscout.

    i was stretching and becoming one with the sun.

    this isnt obama, this is the office.

    it was the xbi.

    i said im sorry sir you must have the wrong number.

    they said knock it off agent we have some disturbing news about the boss’s daughter.

    i released some wind.

    shes been kidnapped, the voice said.

    i cracked a smile.

    why are you smiling?

    i looked around. i didnt know we were Facetiming, i said.

    i hung up.

    the phone rang again.

    “and another thing Barack, what happened to the pictures I was supposed to see?!?”

    this isn’t the president, it’s the office.


    why did you hang up on us?

    why are there cameras in here. right of privacy yo!

    privacy is an illusion, agent, we have a chip in your brain if you havent noticed.

    i’ll tell you what. imma go to my actual job. while im gone, get rid of any audio and or video devices you have in my humble mansion. and then i will help you recover the boss’s daughter.

    that may take some time.

    tick tock fellas its the boss’s daughter we talking about.

    and then i hung up the phone and disconnected it from the wall.

    shortly thereafter i got a text from the agency that simply read: as if.