nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, July 27, 2019

    this guy should be on TV 

    Erik Jabs of Jabs Family is the baseball card dude who is amazing on youtube

    he opens new super expensive boxes

    he opens older boxes

    fans love him so much they give him cards

    he used to ball hawk a lot

    but maybe the most interesting thing is when he uses his years of knowledge and goes to yard sales


  2. Friday, July 12, 2019

    ive been watching people on youtube who flip things 

    they’ll go to garage sales, thrift stores and estate sales and buy things and run home and sell it on ebay.

    the more professional ones will also have an amazon seller account so they can sell them there too.

    watching these guys made me want to see if i could first sell all the crap I have in my house and then maybe i could think about being a junk flipper like my hero fred g sanford.

    as i was watching one of these guys i noticed i had this Obama action figure, still in the box, under the tv.

    so i looked on ebay to see how many other people were selling them. Just one guy… for $190 shipped.

    like me, the guy is super honest and mentions that a corner of the box is slightly damaged… just like mine is.

    but inside, obi wan obama is experiencing no drama.

    for some reason i went to amazon to see if they sold it there still, after four years, and not only do they, but it reminded me that that’s where i bought this… for $16.34

    however their resellers are selling it for between $400-$450. so this is what i’m thinking. i’m thinking about writing a less dramatic ebay headline than

    Obama Star Wars Rare Jedi Knight Figure Purple lightsaber New In box has damage

    and list it at $325. i’ll show them the minor blemish on the corner and if they choose to go for the $200 one, fine. scram. now i have the lowest price Obama and i will profit over $300.

    millions of people love our greatest black president.

    there are two who want this super rare weird action figure.

  3. Wednesday, July 10, 2019

    there are treasures on youtube if you look hard 

    his name is Clint Miller, an Army veteran who appears to make a pretty good living buying palettes of returned Amazon products and selling them on eBay

    what’s different about Clint is he enjoys teaching others how to do it too via his popular YouTube channel, Franchise Kicks

    nearly every day Clint makes a video of how many boxes of random stuff he bought from Amazon, what he thinks he will make from it, and what he’ll throw away or keep.

    sometimes he’ll get lucky and it’s a smart watch in a shabby box

    sometimes he’ll get unlucky and it’s an article of clothing coated with a healthy layer of pet hair

    so part of the joy of watching him dig through his daily haul is living vicariously through him, true

    but the other part is getting to know this gregarious, seemingly happy, generous man

    who has figured out how to flip the richest man in the world’s trash

    and turn it into his treasure.

    and it’s simple, according to Clint: just do it.

    just buy a small box, he advises, something for, say $58. and then list them on ebay.

    “the best thing about this is literally anyone can do it,” he said in a recent video to his viewers.

    despite having 164,000 subscribers, his videos only average about 25k views,

    but one last week, “I bought TWO 450 Pound Amazon Customer Return Pallets Valued at OVER $2,500” was seen over 200,000 times.

    why? who knows. it’s a big bald guy taking things off the back of his pickup truck for a half hour in sweltering heat,

    while showing a single camera if any of it was good.

    we’re rooting for him, because we are rooting for our future selves. we want to believe that there is money in rolling the dice on gently used – and sometimes new – stuff that all we have to do is list, ship, and profit from.

    while keeping some good stuff for ourselves.

    we are rooting for us.

    we see ourselves in him. our best selves.

    once a week he has been doing videos of boxes of gifts his fans send him

    he does it in front of his enormous shoe collection.

    not only is the internet wild, and bizarre

    but it is filled with love.

    someone noticed he got ripped off of something, so they sent them theirs.

    someone else drew a beautiful picture of him

    someone else bought him a new knife for opening his boxes with.

    who doesn’t love Clint?

    well, it is YouTube, probably the most rude social media channel when it comes to comments

    so there are some in there who make jabs at him.

    can’t win them all.

    Clint took to Twitter to admit that it does bum him out a bit.

    we’re all human. even an Army man has feelings.

    so i think im gonna send him a mystery box of my own. some fan mail from one cub fan to another.

    His UPS box is: 484 E. Carmel Dr. #127 Carmel, IN 46032

    Rock on Clint, YouTube star and dream maker, who, when he has earned some spending money,

    pays what it takes to get some of the Avengers to autograph toys for him

    dont ever change.

  4. Thursday, June 20, 2019

    my favorite magazine, black webmaster, dm’ed me 

    jacarandawait, are you really looking for a job?

    yes, are you all hiring there?


    thats ok.

    how did you lose your job?

    when the xbi wants you, things happen in their favor.

    arent you a little old for the xbi?

    i wish.

    so what are you gonna do?

    the way i see it, i have three options. sell out and go back to them, give up and move into my moms basement in chicago, or become a youtube star.

    i hear it’s so cold in chicago that even the summers are cold now.

    fool i aint going to my mommas basement.

    so you’re going to rejoin the xbi?

    no, im gonna be a youtube star.

    do you know anything about video production, audio production, or video graphics? 

    no. no. and no.

    arent you a little too old to be a youtube star? 

    nah, people of all ages do perfectly on youtube.

    what’s gonna be your angle?

    i’m going to walk around and talk to the people of LA.

    you think people would want to watch that on youtube? aren’t podcasts the thing right now?

    do i think people would want to see video of the most beautiful city in the world? is that what you asked me? and instead of letting them see it, all they get is my pretty voice?

    there’s a lot of competition on youtube.

    i fucking love competition.

    who are you up against?

    there’s three people who i wouldn’t say im up against, but people who i really like and i would know that i am successful if i am mentioned in the same breath as them

    kevin nealon who goes hiking with celebs
    179k subscribers

    the hood russian who interviews people in the poorest parts of LA
    190k subscribers

    and alex from as it lays
    2k subscribers

    how are you gonna beat them?

    pure luck, this time. it’s all gonna be based in luck.



  5. Friday, January 5, 2018

    fakers always quit 

    theres a youtube celebrity jackass named Logan Paul who fell into the trap of

    instead of shining his fleeting light on others

    chose to constantly try to one-up himself by being more and more obnoxious

    and extreme

    than all the other youtube jackasses including his jackass brother.

    he did it by visiting japan and instead of showing his millions of fans

    the beauty and culture and magic of the island

    he instead took a walk inside the Sea of Trees

    otherwise known as the Suicide Forest

    which his cameras caught living up to its name.

    when he posted the deceased hanging from a tree, the internet backlash was quick and sure.

    it roundly called the 20something Paul an asshole

    and he shot a video apologizing and then said he was going to take a little break from posting on youtube.

    which, to me, proves that he is a faker.

    a real youtube star never abandons his post.

    did Tolstoy stop writing novels when his life got hard?

    did Woody Allen stop making films?

    not even death could stop 2Pac from rolling out hits, but Logan Paul,

    the moment he becomes actually interesting


    logs off like a bitch.

    this process that he is going through of wrestling between

    Should I Stop Being A Clown


    When Can I Go Back To Being a Worthless Clown

    if done in a realistic manner, could be beneficial to the viewer and youtuber alike.

    Van Gogh painted through this problems, not because of money money money

    but because he was a painter.

    all of these people who quit doing the thing that they allegedly are omg soooo awesome at

    to me, seem like they were only in it for the money.

    which is the most jackassy thing to be in it for.

  6. Saturday, February 7, 2015
  7. Saturday, August 17, 2013

    everything is perpective, context, anticontext… and speed 

    this is called slow ass jolene

    it’s dolly parton’s original of the white stripes classic

    slowed down to make it sound like a


    a man who youve never heard before

    but sorta a woman

    but definately not dolly parton even though thats exclusively who it is.

    this is now the only song i wanna hear of dolly’s and its not even on a record

    @rdio doesnt have it, only youtube does, and now you.

    i want to hear the greatest hits of dolly now this way

    and for sure yoko ono.

    i want everything slowed down, and put on you tube.

    toot suite

  8. Thursday, June 20, 2013

    john mcafee may have just made the years greatest video 

    the self proclaimed eccentric millionaire

    does all the things you wouldnt think a fellow in his position

    would do

    but he does them with gusto, humor,

    and the most curious dig at a particular website.

    all while dissing the product that got him filthy rich.

    the world has indeed turned insane.

    wash out your red solo cups.

  9. Friday, April 26, 2013

    ive had headaches every day for the last few days, probs from watching the web so much 

    brazilian mob vs asswipe

    but the xbi taught us that if you rub a little tussin on it all will be well.

    and also, if it hurts when you do that: keep doing it till either you die or it goes away

    sorta worked with carpal tunnel, i just kept blogging right through the pain for a good year or two.

    call me stubborn, or too lazy to change, but whatevs, i love the web, mostly for reasons like this

    i was reading a message board and saw the picture above, and i was all, wow whats going on?

    so i reverse image searched it and learned that last year at some feminist rally in brazil,

    this dude whipped out his junk and surprise surprise the ladies didnt appreciate that at all

    which seemed to excite him that much more – which only enraged the crowd, which quickly turned into a mob

    and then thats when this youtuber got his camera rolling:

    no it’s not a happy ending

    but it is a testament to youtube: watch enough of it and you will literally see the world

    usually being ridiculous.

  10. Monday, April 1, 2013