zulieka has a child who scribbled on his wall

today we didnt leave the house.

i wanted to go but amber didnt.

we went to the park on saturday with her work friends and it was sweet.

really good people work over there.

it was a park in beverly hills that had tennis courts and a softball field, basketball courts, and lots of grass.

everyone was socially distancing, which was good.

two cops patrolled the people and for some reason were messing with the senior citizens.

kids were everywhere, happy to be out of the house. tons of dogs yapping. even saw three black women — one who arrived in a wheelchair.

in the back there is a playground that had some mushy material under it. spongey. magical. you stepped on it and it gave a little, which was freaky at first, but squishy. you could see a kid take a spill off the swings and be perfectly fine.

beverly hills.

today we watched church then the news. then coming to america.

i shoulda worked but it’s ten minutes to midnight and technically if i work in 10 minutes itll be monday

and i wont be breaking a commandment.

but still i feel like if its dark, it’s still today.

jurys still out i guess.

i heart you.

zulieka goes on a 9 hour first date

At a coffee shop somewhere in Cambridge, I sit between a nerdy math whiz filling up piles of graph paper with hieroglyphics alla Good Will Hunting, and a society of three overweight girls who are knitting. I text “towards the back, red shirt” and kizmet56 takes a seat across from me. He looks barely 20, is rosy-cheeked and smooth-skinned and dressed like a Harvard asshole in a Polo dress shirt. He is so nervous he can’t train his sloe-eyed blue eyes on me, and it seems to me he might have Tourette’s. Ten minutes into the conversation, I think God, this dude might be a virgin.

read the rest here

i had to do a thing and for months and months and months i didnt do it


and i have no idea why i didnt do the thing but every night i would come home and think about it

and every friday i would say to myself, this weekend im gonna do it, but i never did.

i never even got close to doing it.

then the other day, your east cost fairy princess blogger from somewhere

told me, just try harder, and if its crappy its crappy, but push

and yesterday after work i really wanted to uber but i promised myself

that i would come home and do it.

but first i need to watch the end of the cubs game

and then i had to read every page on the internet

and then i had to play with my cats. both of them.

and then i had to open the window. and then i had to pee.

and then i had to close one window at a time on my laptop.

and then i started.

and it was good.

and then it was halfway done.

and it wasnt so good.

so i made it good.

and then it was done.

and i nearly had a heart attack.

i had to stand up.

i wanted to walk to the park and play pokemon but it was 12:30am and you really shouldnt be roaming around hollywood that late

after you just figured something out majorly.

you should stay inside and blog.

the phone rang, it was zulieka

zuliekabut it wasnt the phone, it was the text messenger.

tony, i am in LA, lets make love.

but thats not at all what it said. but thats what i read.

thats what i read every time she writes anything.

for twelve years i have been following every word americas favorite half japanese half naughty nurse has written in americas favorite mommy blog.

and surprise surprise she was in LA and was wanting to hang out. with who? with me?

so i switched over to speaker phone and dialed her up. i was in malibu. deep in malibu. but no matter where she said she was, i was ready to go there.

hi tony! im in a car. its a convertible. so i cant hear very well. can i call you back tonight?

of course!

she called me back. that night. she was in santa monica at the home of a famous writer director. we made plans to meet the next afternoon for a late lunch. when i arrived she was playing the french horn so i took a picture. i learned in our high school marching band that if a girl enjoyed sticking her hand up a french horn she probably liked lots of things. so i said zulieka, how are you prettier than the last time i saw you many years ago. two children ago?

it was no line. she was prettier and somehow shorter and lovelier. her dress was a size small but still not tight enough for LA standards, nor short enough. but the truth was written all over her face. she loved me. and missed me and was happy to see me. and likewise. im sure.

the writer director was a wonderful man. zulieka has good tastes as you can imagine. we talked about LA punk rock, lone justice, X, elvis, tom waits. then i took your girl to sushi and she was all, im half japanese youre gonna have to do a whole lot better than this.

so i said, americas sweetheart heather “the rabbit” havrilesky is having a party far far up in her mountain retreat. lets all go in the writer director producers porsche. and we did. and they were both loved by our friends. it was a joyous night. new friends were made and new schemes were plotted.

i tried to convince your girl that if she really loved LA she should move from mass, a place she doesnt love. FOR THE KIDS. i told her that children need to learn at an early age that if they dont like somewhere or someone that time is short. life is precious. and fleeting! vamoose! turn the page bob seger! she said but money?! i said it grows on trees. look at it growing over there.

she said tony. i said fine, i’ll marry you and pay for everything. she said but i want another child. i said i’ll go on youtube and learn how they are made. she said but the children love their father. i said who doesnt love their father? who doesnt want somewhere fun to spend their summer vacations while their new father gets some alone time with his wife?

she said you have everything figured out. i said i do. she said yes you do. i said i do.

then she said did you ever put that left over lobster in your fridge?

i said, see how desperately i need a thoughtful wife?

zulieka’s unstrung

zuliekaan excerpt from her blog this morning:

I watched Freddy in the shower today; he is packed and moving out tomorrow. I think he is relieved. I watched him soap up, closely, measuring his shoulders among other features. I handed him a towel and wanted to dry him off myself, which he hates. I feel like he’s going off to a war zone. I thought I would be relieved too, but I am very sad. I don’t know what it is we are saying goodbye to–I don’t know who he is anymore. I’m sad that we once shared our dreams with each other, and then did not fight together to keep them alive.

The truth is, the separation is going to be easier for him, and even beneficial. He will be relieved of my corrosive criticism. Everyone thinks I’ll be just fine except they are worried that I’m going to be totally broke. My ten-year-old daughter said “Mom, how are you going to pay rent without Dad? I think you’re being naive.”

there was a time when i proudly said how all of my friends who got married were still married. then this one got divorced then that one then over the last couple years a bunch of them split up.

at first i thought that we, many of whom were raised in divorced homes, had figured it out.

but as it turns out, two people, who are hopefully continuing to grow, sometimes grow apart.

i suppose it’s normal to feel a bit like a failure when the happily ever after doesnt come true but in what part of our lives has forever-ever really been forever-ever?

remember when they told us that CDs could never get damaged?

i change my mind a half dozen times on a variety of things while driving from work to home every night: what im going to eat, what im going to drink, what im gonna watch on tv, which playmate im going to woo, which cubs hat im going to wear to bed.

how on earth did we ever expect two people, with equally changeable minds to change in unison?

the only way it would have worked would have been if the pair got married at 18, had kids at 21 and died at 39.

sadly we live a little longer than that these days.

i have seen people i never thought would ever even fight get divorced

and i have seen people who i never thought would last a second date stick together.

life is a crazy random illogical always surprising series of WTFs that sometimes ends with a warm body in your bed forever who you dont hate.

if you can sprinkle some love in there too

then you are the luckiest person on your block.

something tells me that zulieka will soon be filthy with men

who will gladly offer to dole some WTFs her way.

lets hope she chooses to write about it.

i know im gonna win the lottery, the question is always how many

zuliekaand then of course the question is, how many ways will i blow the cash.

right away i’ll by my mom a house and a snowmobile. but then what?

today i realized i would be zulieka’s publisher.

i read her post today and it was a delight, as always, and she wrote about how she was too poor to really afford a dress and her extra-curricular activities were often few and far between

but she wrote it in such a way that screamed The Bronte Sisters and i was all, my kingdom for a printing press.

maybe i should just be her agent. maybe i should just rob banks. maybe i should just move to oregon and grow the weed in the wilds of umpqua and sell the weed but keep the hemp and with the hemp make the books.

i am always amazed when people are able to make magic and do it in a way that appears effortless.

maybe because so much of what i do requires so much effort.


i email zulieka but it bounces back.

i text message her but i get an exclamation mark with a circle around it.

i facebook message her but nothing.

who are these people who dont live and die by the content going in and out of their phones? what planet do they live on? how can i be so carefree? the remote control of my 3rd tv in my 1BD apartment is lost and i panick and buy a brand new one off ebay. imagine if busblog at gmail didnt work?

but zulieka just keeps on keeping on not at all knowing that someone wants to fund a series of books with her name on the spine. and judging from the tone on many of her pages: doesnt care.

Thursday, June 03, 2004


i met Zulieka for the first time like 11 years ago.

heres what she blogged that night:

Tony Pierce. Deceptively cute at first glance, he notices and reads through subtle indications like a poker player. He is so, so quick but he pretends he’s just sitting there. He is both street smart and worldly. After all, he works for the XBI. Thank You Tony for the breakfast. You forgot to mention that I had hashbrowns too, with tabasco sauce.

zulieka has not blogged in far too long.

it’s been 47 days since Zulieka has posted on her blog


heres the problem with life: it’s fleeting.

the older we get the faster it goes and then justlikethat it’s gone.

did we learn anything? what was life like? all those things become folklore unless we, writers,

which is all of us,

write it down in as much detail or fiction as we can.

today in paris, for example, future readers, terrorists went to a

Eagles of Death Metal concert

shot up the place and bombed it and a few other places

suicide bombed, to be specific, and over 100 people died.

on friday the 13th.

same day beautiful zulieka, out in whereever she is decided, nope this isnt the day i write again.

you know how many stories shes got?

writes 20 times better than me, and always has this hint of sensuality about it.

pariswho doesnt want that every damn day?

bloggers need to be blogging the same way firemen need to pull up those big pants.

we’re volunteer firemen, doing it for the people.

and the people wave and thank us and bring us milk for some reason

and buy our calendars at the Hallmark store in the mall.

zulieka is everyones favorite fireman.

she cant not do her thing.

nobody can replace her.

todays neil youngs birthday.

the millennials, wheres their neil young? gen y didnt have any and the millennials give us none neither.

sometimes the generations behind you cannot replace you and theres this terrible void

write it down.

it doesnt matter that no one is reading it or commenting or sharing it on facebook

almost all of the best writers of olden times were losers

but when that shit got to cable suddenly everyone loved it.

who knows why? no one.

it happened to pinkerton. at first everyone was all meh

then a year later they were like omg.

time takes time, ringo.

but first you have to have something out there for time to do something with.

but the good news is, the older we get the faster time goes.

so make it baby, and put it out there.